New Song: Steadfast

I've been mulling over this thought for awhile. I've been thinking about the next CD I'm going to record, and I really wanted to put all of my new stuff from this semester on this CD. I was reading in Psalms and I read "My heart is steadfast O my God. I will sing praises to you with all my soul". And I was thinking about my relationship with God and how important sticking with God is to me. And I decided I wanted to call this CD "Steadfast." I hadn't written a song with that title at that point, but I wanted it to show how I want to live my life: for God. This song is a mixture of Psalm 23 and the Psalm I read with "steadfast" in it.

My heart is steadfast
To you, my God.
You bring me through this
Toward you, Shepherd

You keep your promises to me
And blessed am I through
Every struggling thing
You lead me to a resting place
My soul is restored
You are along the way
All along the way

When the world tries to show me a different gate
You taught me to turn and run back to you
When the world tries to make me want
You are my God.

New Song: Holes, Whole, Holiness

I wrote this song for many reasons. I find myself getting lost in my thoughts and I feel like my mind isn't being healthy. I am being hyper-sensitive to things that I'm thinking about, but these are consuming me, becoming anxiety, stress, worry. Jesus told us not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it self, so the lyrics of this song are my heart seeking God to fill me completely, and to take away my worry.

Spirit, take over
Take over my mind (heart, soul, life)
Remove my thoughts
And my desires

Make clear your will
For my soul
Walk with me
On this path towards light

Will me to seek you
With everything
I have no peace
Without you

You are the only one
Who can fill my holes
And make me whole
With your holiness

New Song: TBTN "God to you, Love"

The deepest wounds healed in my heart
Burn for yours
Every time I see
The deepest wounds in your heart
Are Open Sores
Because it's still new

And how do I address
How can I access you?
Your pain builds walls thicker
Than sound can come through
Let me call you out of stone
You are not alone in this
I feel every tear

And you are precious to Me
You carry Holy Strength and Beauty
You are Rock Solid, Let me make you Liquid
You can melt into me
And I will carry you through
This hell the world's done to you

Genuine

God, teach me patience. Teach me patience with people I don't like. Help me to love them even if I can't like them.
Creative Abba, lead me to be humble. Teach through the words that come out of my mouth, but not just others, me too. Teach me that my own way isn't always the best way. Open me to new thoughts.
Eloheim, teach me what it means to be a God-fearing woman. Teach me to respect those who disrespect me, to give flowers to those who hurt me, and to give smiles to those who rupture me with their words.
Teach me that tears are like 1000 words. Deep emotion is worth feeling. Balance is worth working to keep. Love is worth giving. Vulnerability is worth reaching. Trust is worth giving and keeping.
Let Your power be made perfect in my weakness. Show Yourself through my imperfection.
You are God over all of me.

Song: You are the Breath I Breathe

I wrote this song with a desire in my heart to put God into every aspect of my life. I have been working to write many songs about being led, listening to God, and following God to do His will. I struggled after I wrote this song, trying to figure out if I wrote it for me or if I wrote it for God, because I felt like my motivations weren't right as I was writing it. So I put it down for a couple days, because there is nothing worse that not being genuine with the music that I am feeling from my soul. But I felt okay about what I had written, came back to the song with a humble heart, and saw a little more of what God was teaching me in these words that God inspired me to write.

Let the serenity I seek
Cleanse my inner being
Let motivation form
To keep these steps I'm walking
Let this balance beam of life
Give me support to cope
Keep my self-strength looking toward you
You are my everlasting

Teach me to hold your hand
Guide my thoughts to become yours
Teach me to love your words
You've followed through with me
There are no other means to exist in this world
You are the breath I breathe

When my lens is indecisive
I can't see beyond the hill ahead
You walk beyond
I can see your footsteps
Let me be a holy sacrifice
Come away with nothing
You are my daily bread
You are everything I need

Song: Lead me

You taught the ocean to take its first breath
And it makes wave to a rhythm pleasing you
You spoke your will into the ears of trees
And now they produce leaves

You gave fantastic motivation to birds
To learn how to fly even when
they fall to the ground the first time
Now open these wings of mine
And ask me to fly
But in your will not mine

So Lead me
Emptying my heart
Of my own motivation
Lead me
To share your love
With every action
You are holier
Than my mist of a life
Take me and make me
Yours

New Song: You Save Me from myself

You are godliness
Live through me
Let my actions show
Bear fruit in me
Help me give your love away
An the knowledge that's in my soul
You're in control

You within me
Is more than I could ever deserve
Your actions in my life
What a merciful God
I'm filled with humility
how you do this for me!
You save me from myself

Your promises are kept
Fill me with faith
I know this life's better than my selfish desires
Your goodness through me
Redefines the best I can be
You fill me

New Songs

These psat two weeks have been academically, mentally, and emotionally busy, but God has continued to remind me to walk on His path, and take time for myself and time for Him. I am continually blessed with the God awesome Gift to write music as worship for God. I think the coolest thing that has made the biggest impact is the fact that I've been learning and growing from the words that I write. God has been providing lyrics that both express how I feel and challenge me. These two new songs, which have been written in the past two weeks, express my love, my need, and my growth in my relationship with Christ. I know that I cannot do anything by myself, that it is with God's mercy that my life is the way it is, and I'm firmly thankful of it.

I will keep walking
Standing firm, believing
I know this path this faith is true
I will keep holding
Onto this hope
Love must surround me
As I walk down this path

My God, My light,
I will dance in your footsteps
As I keep learning the way you move
And I'm not much of a dancer
But you lead so well
I know I'll go wherever you will

I used to long for fullness, Holiness
Christ you are my promise,
Salvation is satisfied
For Christ fully understands
Reprimands darkness
You are my strength

My God, My light,
I will dance in your footsteps
As I keep learning the way you move
And I'm not much of a dancer
But you lead so well
I know I'll go wherever you will me to go

We're now of one mind
Breathe in, Slow down
Soak in the Son
He'll guide every move
Let your light shine
The Father's in you
He'll lead you wherever he wills.

New Song #2
I have peace surrounding me
Your trust is clear I don't need anything
I have true love in my soul
My God has filled my heart full

Before I had you inside of me
My empty heart tried empty love
But you grow beauty from nothing
You dwell in me, you make me beautiful

Your freedom is within me
New life is your gift to me
And it's not about me,
You are holy, holy!
Now it's your breath I breathe
It's your words I speak
Your love loving out of me
You are holy, holy!

You are my God who provides
I don't need any love besides
The truth, the promises
Are fulfilled, you fulfill me.

Engagement Story--pictures to come!

The Important Events Preceding, and Ben and I’s Engagement Story
Ben came home from his trip around the world on the 28th of July, and then headed to northwestern Ohio, where I had been all summer, working at Sauder Village, recording a CD, and living with my parents and sister. It had been a long, long three months. We were ready to see each other and be with each other.
We got to do a whole bunch of things. He came to and supported me at my CD release concert at West Clinton (the church my parents attend) Sunday night. We went to the zoo on Monday, Sauder Village on Tuesday, and then Wednesday we headed out to Streetsboro, OH, where I was going to have another concert, at the church I attended there for the seven years when my family lived there.
Ben still had to ask my parents for permission to marry me, and we weren’t exactly sure when it was going to happen. He finally set up an appointment with my mom and dad on Tuesday evening before we left. He was nervous as all get out, and I didn’t know that I was going to be a part of the discussion until we were in the sunroom at my house, and we were pouring tea for four people.
Ben started out the conversation: “I love your daughter, I love spending time with her—“
And my dad interrupted him, “Stop for a second, let me ponder that. Hmm. You love my daughter.”
After that pause, Ben asked, “Can I marry your daughter?”
And Dad said, “Sure.”
Ben looked at my mom, and she nodded, smiling real big, ” Yeah, absolutely.”
Ben and I were both expecting some sort of question-answer situation, so Ben was trying to figure out what he would say to these. Thus, Ben nearly peed his pants when my dad stopped him like that.
Then my dad talked about how he was able to watch our relationship this summer as we communicated long distance, and talked about how he’d been praying for Ben this past summer.
But then Dad said, “So you’re the guy that I’ve been praying for all these years.” My father has been praying for, is still praying for, the future husbands of all of us girls, and it’s really cool to think about how before we even met, God knew, God was listening, God was blessing.
The next morning we went to Streetsboro, I had my concert at Aurora Mennonite Church (which was such a blessing, and I’m almost certain that this concert was more significant for me than the first one. And God is good.) Ben and I spent the night at Vern and Dee’s and then we headed out the next morning for Ben’s home. We drove for nearly seven hours, and then arrived at his house. We left for Spruce Lake Retreat, where the Delp family vacation was. We arrived there Friday afternoon, and I started getting reacquainted with the relatives I had met in April (when I had mono), and also meeting some new relatives.
Sophie, one of Ben’s cousins, latched herself to me. I met Ben’s Delp grandparents, (what characters!!). One of Ben’s aunts, Christie (who is Sophie’s mom), situated some of the sleeping arrangements, and we shared a bed in the girls’ room in the house that everyone was staying in.
While we were still in Ohio, Ben and I had decided that we were going to go hiking up the mountain and read Genesis 1 and 2, because that was something that Ben had wanted to do since we had started dating (in fact, on our first date, he was showing me pictures on his iPhone of mountains and talked about that idea). We also decided that we should do it as the sun was rising, so we planned to wake up at 6am the next morning to do this. Thus, we went to bed decently early (or at least I did. Ben stayed up with the guys in the guys room and did a power Bible study before they went to bed.)
Then we woke up really early, Ben had a HUGE bowl of cereal (which was not enough for him), and we set out on our hike. We hiked up the mountain for about an hour. It was pretty rocky terrain, but I enjoyed it and it was good change scenery for me (Ohio has nearly no rocks in the ground, is flat, and there aren’t really ferns growing anywhere). There were ferns everywhere (and I like ferns, so this was nice), and nice peaceful morning noises like waterfalls tinkling, and birds chirping. We got to an over look that showed a view for miles and miles of trees and mountainous terrain. Then we sat down and started reading Genesis, and pondering the creation of the earth, in the creation of the earth. We did some praying and snuggling, and sat in silence for a little while.
Then Ben asked me, “What does love mean to you?”
I don’t remember all that I answered, but I can assure you, it was genuine and true. Then I asked him the same question. He answered statements of truth, promises that had been kept; my heart swelled at his response. Then he started smiling and stopped talking, and I knew something was up.
“And one more thing.” Then Ben got down on one knee, pulled out a mahogany box and asked, “Will you marry me?”
And of course I said YES!
Now the sun had been out when we had hiked up the mountain (we didn’t experience the “sunrise” but we had seen the sun continue to rise, which counts. :D) but then as we continued to be there, some clouds were out and so we didn’t see the sun. Now for Ben, that was pretty important. God has spoken to him in very clear ways with the sun, and so he really did want the sun to be shining, but it was consistently cloudy, right up until he got down on one knee. Then the sun came through the clouds, God’s promise, his affirmation for us.
Then we hiked down the mountain, overjoyed, incredibly in love, and certain that God’s will in our life is for us to be together. Ben made an announcement at lunch to his whole family, and I was overwhelmed with welcoming, acceptance, and love. Ben’s aunt took some engagement pictures for us, and we spent the afternoon calling relatives and close friends.
As far as the date for our wedding goes, we are still working out some logistics (financial things), but very very soon, we will have an official date.
Love you all,
(the soon to be) Grace Margaret Engle Delp (or something along those lines)

"Inspirations" CD Release!

Well folks, get excited!
I've been working hard all summer, and it's all starting to pay off!
I recorded my first CD, called Inspirations, containing twelve of my many original songs.
Then, I set up this button, so you can purchase them online, and this is perfect for my family members, friends in high and low places, and telling the world about my music!
Thus, below you can click and buy a CD!

Inspirations CD $14, $2 shipping:

This button will also be available on the margin of my blog for purchasing purposes.

New Song! Look to God Alone

This song has a humbling theme for me. It's a reminder of the fact that what I want doesn't really matter. Ahhh. That is such a hard one to over come. But! God is good. He knows exactly what we need AND when we need it. And that is the beauty of His Will! So enjoy. THough I can't afford it right now, I hope to record this one and many others that I have written this summer, in the midst of recording my CD (so I couldn't record them then.).

Seek first the kingdom
For it is not of this world
Lay down your earthly things
And leave them behind
Seek the will of a Father
Who will keep you safe from harm
He is our love, deep inside
Our Holy Satisfaction

Let the Provider fill your need
Seek the one who turns mourning to rejoicing
May his will encapsule your life.
Don't live for people
Look to God alone.

If you have so much pain
It makes it hard to breathe
Come to me and I will give you rest
Let me breathe on you
And give you eternal life
It's love, the Father's will is LOVE!

Let the Provider fill your need
Seek the one who turns mourning to rejoicing
May his will encapsule your life.
Don't live for people
Look to God alone.

Our God has created peace
And overcome the world!

God Working [In Me]

I've been reading Experiencing God with my church this summer, and have really been moved by God.
This book is really affirming for many reasons, because it's helping me switch the view point from me to God, from selfish to selfless. I knew that there were reasons that I felt compelled to do things, to encourage other people, and at times I could feel the Holy Spirit with my and knew that God was doing the work and not me, but now I'm in a view point where I see that it's not just me, in fact it's not me at all doing anything!
In this book, there are certain things that are highlighted and pointed out for looking for where God is at work in you. This helps me because it leads me to pray a certain way, instead of the normal "Help me..." Instead it's "Lord, do your will ..." This is completely different! and I love it. I've been yearning for it all my life!
What I'm learning is that when I feel compelled to do something, I need to let God do everything, not try to direct my own thoughts and words. God's doing everything around me. In every situation I'm in, instead of doing the usual logical thinking, I let God tell me what to do, instead I ask God what He wants me to do! For someone as stubborn as I am, this is a working progress, and remembering that God is number one in my life reminds me that He should be on my mind all the time, not just part of the day, and be in eery activity, not just the ones I think I need Him in.
It's easy for me to discuss and be candid, to high heaven, in fact, I could talk somebody's ear off. But for now, I'm going to start having holy conversations, because I really do hate small talk as much as the next person.

This is a short update, there's so much more spinning around in my head that is good and healthy and God! May God lead you to listen to His Voice instead of your own.

You are GOD ALONE

As I was walking beside the ocean today, breathing in the moist air, collecting shells, praying for patience with an unwelcome cold, the lyrics of this song rang true for me. As the waves, even the small ones, as the surf crashed over my feet,
"You are not a God created by human hands.
You are not a God dependent on any mortal man.
You are not a God in need of anything we can give.
You are God, that's just the way it is."

Not a God in need of anything we can give. But God is God, and does want us, and does protect us.

"You are God alone, from before time began,
You were on your throne, you were God alone.
And right now, in the good times and bad,
You are on Your throne, you are God alone."

And the wind wrapped around me,beautiful shells stood out to me as a walked along the sand,
I dodged one live jelly fish in exchange for an especially beautiful shell. And I kept breathing, and thanked God for his speaking through the ocean.

More Reflections on the Ocean

The connection of waves, and the molecule that make the ocean.
1) It takes several ripples to make a wave, and Many Many more molecules to create the ripples. The more ripples and the long distance to take them, the bigger the impact. And with more energy. God is the driving fore, and we are but wee ripples in the water, but together, God uses the ripples to create an impact upon the sand. And the more of us on the same page, we can make a greater impact, as the driving force of the waves permit. This is a reminder of what God can do with people in unity
2) sand needs to be moist with the Water of Life to be moldable.To be shaped for the will and work of God. Otherwise it falls apart at any notion of attempted shaping. It fills in holes of work that were being dug. There is a need for lots, and many to build a kingdom with God's Will.
3) Sometimes the ocean is frustrating. It dunks you, flips you about, and you get salt water in your mouth. Sometimes it makes you feel uncomfortable, nervous, afraid, feeling uncertain about getting back to shore. Sometimes we rejoice in the ocean, a cooling breeze, and we jump through the ocean, feeling the power of the ocean, and enjoy the surf watering our feet.
As the waves stay the same, always tumbling, moving in a direction, in and out, in a circle, a cycle. The tide comes in and goes out, removing foot steps taken the day before.
4) Watching the sunrise teaches me a lot about the timing of God. You can't slow down or pseed up the sunrise. We can't rewind and replay. And we have to watch the entire time, or we miss something.
You have to be patient. You never know what to expect, and it's sometimes not what you did expect. But it is what it is. It's beautiful no matter what, and if you take the time to listen, it will speak to you. Each sunrise is a painting and glimpse of God's glory, and they are different every day, so keep watching, listening, reflecting. Don't forget to reflect.

Sand

I'm taking a vacation with my family at Cape Hatteras, in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, and I was recognizing the significance of sand, in the circumstance of Go promising Abraham that his descendants would be more abundant than the grains of sand on the earth. Phew. That's uncomfortable.

I say uncomfortable because with the beach comes sand, sand in your hair, sand on your feet, sand in every crevice of your body. And for those of us with more crevices, this gets a little unreasonable to have to rinse off every time we come back to the campsite from the beach. It gets a little annoying, you know what I'm saying?

Th point is, those little Israelites were going to prosper, and there was nothing that was stopping them. They weaseled there way into a lot of good deals, and out of bad deals because they were prosperous (and sometimes into bad deals, like slavery) But that didn't stop them. They still burrowed their way into those little nooks and crannies.

The truth is, we annoy God sometimes, like sand sometimes annoys me at the beach. But the great thing to notice is that sand is moldable. God can form sand into something beautiful--sandcastles, sculptures, and even glass. Whenever people walk through sand, they imprint their foot print upon it. This is beautiful and unique, but it also blemishes the perfect smoothness of the sand that the ocean just created. But God takes those imperfections, and just like a wave of ocean, washes away the blemishes from us.

God erodes away, reshaping our intentions for good. He buries our sins in the sand, in the patterns of his plan painted with the shells, seaweed and sand. God makes things grow out of sand.

God-Water Song

I've been contemplating this one since April. It's been a hot topic since I had a great analogy about how God is like water to humans and the earth! We need it every day to keep living. We breathe it in, we drink it in, we bathe in it, we thank God for the rain. So here it is, or part of it thus far

Pour your unending love upon me
Let the peace flowing from your streams surround me
Your fountain soaks my soul
You make me expand so that I am whole

You are The waterfall
Raining down all around me, cleansing
My walls are falling down
Eroding my false identity
TO make me who you want me to be

You are always around me
I breathe you in,
You fill me with life
The water of life
Without Your mercy I'm cracked and cry
You are all-knowing
You fill the shape of who your working in,
You erode, replenish, build
To fulfill your will

You're my oasis in this desert
You give me energy, you are cooling, relaxing, sweet
May your will hydrate me to keep
Living in this humanity

You take away the shame
I will dance in your rain
You wash away my stain
I will dance in your rain!
You take away my pain
I will dance in your rain
Even when I fall again
I will dance in your rain!

Obsession

I have my share of obsessions. I realize that these come out more when I am more bored and have less to do. Piercing obsession. I'm thinking about getting something else done! I don't know why, but this always happens. Maybe I'll get something in my ear done. Not my lip, not my eyebrow (but OH SO TEMPTING!)Ha! You can totally tell I'm obsessed. It has something to do with curiosity, a little masochism, and also getting attention.
But I have good obsessions. and these are linked to the knowledge that I have found peace within me. Reading, journaling and discussing God's word. Making it a contemplation, meditation, and realization. Also, my obsession with piano, music, writing music. (Every time I see a piano, I want to play it)
But the balance of it all is that I have people to balance me out. When I have others around me, they regulate my obsessions, so I'm not so tempted to get a piercing (unless they are egging me on), and they encourgae me to pursue what God has made a gift in me. And this is holy in itself.
I'm not so obsessed that God cannot work in me, and I recognize that i can sometimes be weakened in my faith in God when I obsess, I worry, and I over think. So here's to giving God obessions.

My only desire is to obsess and give all I can be to God, and listen to God's will!

All things Grace (and where they came from)

I am an Engle. This means I like to say the word, "poop" and then giggle, don't care about people farting around me, give the middle finger to my parents, and have a good sense of humor. this also means that I am stubborn, have big hips, and a tiny nose. Being an Engle also means I like to be strong, independent, assertive, and have occasional pack rat tendencies. I
I am descended from an Epp (my mom's side of the family). From them, I inherited thick fingers (they are thick! though my ring finger is a size 6, my hands are tiny!), big eyes, a small chest, a bout of shyness from the age of 2 through the age of 13. I had a farm girl's appetite which was inhibited enough in middle school to lose forty five pounds on Weight Watchers. Mom got me into crafts, art, knitting, and sewing (when I was little).
From both sides of the family, I inherited frugality and musicianship. I would go grocery shopping with my dad, and learned how to find the cheapest thing (and sometimes that meant to go to two different stores). Mom taught me to look through the coupons in the paper. We didn't have cable TV until I graduated, or a cell phone until I was 18. My parents got me into shopping at thrift stores and I love he random things I can find there, as well as the great deals for things I would never buy in normal stores. My mother taught me to play the piano (in the beginning). My dad taught me to sing with my gut (not directly. But you follow the example of those you are around).
I am goal driven. I don't know where this comes from exactly, but it has something to do with my stubbornness, and my high expectation for my self of achieving. I used to make goal posters for myself, and put them on my wall. Now, I have lots less goals, don't have them all written down, but I have conceptualized and realized them.

I'm making a CD

This has been something I have been putting off for a long time.
I haven't been ready to do this ever before. My life now has the stability that is necessary for me to work toward this. Plus, my writing abilities have blossomed. God is consistently in my writing now. :) Which is great, so I don't have anymore compartmentalization issues.

But here's the plan-o. This Friday is my first recording session. I'm over excited. Today I created my CD cover, a collaboration of a talented photographer friend (Bridgie) and some crayons later, and I have the most "Grace" CD cover that ever existed.

This is inner beauty. Heck yes. There is so much truth in everything about this CD so I'm so excited.

Bones vs. Glee

This morning I began to analyze my TV intake. Why do I watch the sitcoms I do?
Glee is a musical-esque high school drama/soap opera. Bones is a forensic anthropologist studying the remains of people to figure out who killed them.
I started rationalizing that I watch these television shows for several reasons: This is why I like Glee 1) I love music, especially creative endeavors such as what they do in Glee. The music they do inspires me to write my own music, as well as I feel that the way they perform and make their music original is much more genuine that much music that is performed by artists today. 2) High school: that's a complicated reason. Maybe I watch because I wish that I was part of a successful show choir in high school. But I wasn't, though I was in the most successful musical group in the school: the marching band. So it's like I'm reliving marching band through glee. Yep, with all the drama from high school attached.

Why do I watch Bones: 1) Ben liked this reason, but I like the way they talk. The main character has a way of using big words that I understand and it makes me want to talk intellectual (yes, that's a language). I also like the variety of intellectual characters, as well as the healthy mixture of real life going on in the show at the same time. 2) I like mysteries, and I don't mind the grotesque nature of the corpses. . . I cleaned up the cat lab for Anatomy and Physiology. I can do anything!

I was reflecting on the fact that these two TV shows don't reflect where I am in my life. I am in college, on my way to real life, and in neither field, though at some point I may hold the intellect that would put me in the running for a teaching position at EMU... I realized that all the TV shows that represent the life stage I am currently in are about partying and sex, both of which do not represent the college experience that I have had so far. So then I was thinking if there could ever really be a TV show that represented my college experience and realized that there was nothing better than sitting around the table at the caf laughing and making farting noises, making up handshakes that involved lazy eyes, pulling up our pants like grandmas, crackling our backles, drinking tea and eating chocolate, staying up late, dumpster diving, carrying people around in duffle bags, modeling, singing loudly and passionately in sporatic four-part harmony, giving God the glory. This is not on television. This is real life. This is what I like to experience.

Why I watch these shows? I never watch these TV shows at school. I have work to do, and I have friends to spend time with. And that is the reason I don't watch them at school, and I do watch them at home. Oh how pitiful it sounds, but I watch TV because I miss my friends. If we could be together all the time the world would be different, I wouldn't get so bored.

Thus, I can't wait to spend time with people at EMU again. I miss so many more people than I have pictures for. I can't wait to drink bottomless cups of coffee at Common Grounds, sing loudest and write music with people, to be known deeply by those who surround me. This is what I desire. For now, God will fulfill my needs, and spending time with my family will be fulfilling as well. And I hope to make some close friends here in Wauseon/Archbold/Pettisville. Enough that I don't want to watch Glee and Bones. You can't be best friends with a fictional character.

A Storm is Brewing

Life. It goes up and down, but God still waits for me to grab onto His stability.

Ups:
Work!: I have been learning a lot! I trained in the Stuckey house yesterday, which is an 1870s house that some wealthy Anabaptists lived in with their nine children. Don't think it's a mansion: it's just a kitchen, parlor, and three very small bedrooms in the upstairs for the girls, boys, and the parents. I baked cornbread in a wood stove, and it was super rich (1 cup on sour cream anyone?)

Benjamen's visit: Ahh that was so wonderful!! We took a trip to Sauder Village and we got to hang out there for a couple of house. We did some good Bible reading, studies, and debates. We went out to ice cream with Marie and Kyle, as well as going hiking with my parents, Marie, and Rocket. We had a good bit of fun. The last day before he left, we went thrift store shopping, and I bought a shirt and Ben almost bought a green jacket. We went to Ten Thousand Villages, and Ben almost bought a fountain, we were mistaken for being married, and had coffee. The woman there wanted to hire us for the summer (doesn't everyone?). Then we went to the Black Lantern, a little restaurant in Defiance that Laura knew (she went with us) and the food was amaaaaazing!

Running: I went for a run for the first time in almost a month, and man do I feel better! I will be running a 5K with my parents and some people from my church coming up soon.

Downs:
Well Ben left, as he had to. He's traveling around the world, and then he'll be back, and be back here, but until then, I need to be patient. God brings good things to those who wait. So I will be patient! God is good!

Stability: music. Bible. The air I breathe. Amen.

new song: Your Strength is all I need

It's still in pieces: as in, I haven't decided what order I am doing.


I saw the truth written on your heart
The recipe of true life in love to start
I can taste the promises you’ve kept
With me, Always

You are patient with me
As my expectations are waiting
I desire everything
But I need your timing

Your love is sufficient for me
It builds strength within me
There’s so much power in this passion
It becomes a chain reaction
Your strength is all I need

I felt the warmth shone from your Son
Security surrounds me I know you’re the one
I have your truth written on my heart
For me, In me

I want to walk on the narrow road, Jesus
I want to walk on the narrow road
I want to walk on the narrow road Jesus
I want to walk on the narrow road

Jesus you are my king Jesus
You are my king
You are my king Jesus
You are my king

Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you Jesus
Lead me on and I will run after you.

Love the New Job

I am working in a new job that enlightens my mind!
I started my summer at Sauder Village on Tuesday, and have been wrecking havoc ever since.
Susan showed me the gardens around Sauder Village that I will be working in at some point, and I am excited about gardening, and I also learned a little bit about how the settlers used to garden, what they used to garden, and how they used to can.
For those of you who are just tuning in, I am working at a frontier culture museum, designed to help students live history as it was for settlers back in the day, in Northwestern Ohio.
On my second day of work, I was rigged up in a costume for Natives and Newcomers, dressed as an Indian from the early 1800s. They dressed in wool skirts and leggings, with calico shirts made from fabric traded with the settlers traveling west. Indians made currency with the pelts and hides of the animals they trapped. As the settlers brought more things to trade, the indians homes became more modernized: some lived in log cabins, they used canvas on top of their wigwams to stop the rain from coming in, and they used metal tools: rakes, hoes, pots and pans, to cook and garden instead of the ones created from bone and gourd.I spent an afternoon making moccasins, from elk and moose leather, sewing them with fake sinew (they don't actually sell sinew).
This day flew by, I didn't even think about time until the announcement rang through that there were twenty more minutes for visitors to walk through. It was a bit chilly, but we made it through the day. I breathed in smoke all day; I was making popcorn for part of the morning, then crushed the popcorn into a flour like consistency, and put it in a pot of water that was over the fire: popcorn soup! In addition, a pot of hominy was started and some old hominy that needed to be peeled was set out for visitors to peel as they pleased. The corn that was being used for the Hominy was White Miami corn (named after the Indian tribe, not the city in Florida). The corn used for the meal was actually blue, and from far away looked like ash in the grinding log. It came from Blue Delaware corn. I imagine that it makes pretty cornbread. It would be interesting to serve to people. There were four types of corn that we had, two in addition to the ones I've already talked about: Cherokee Corn: the indian corn used for popcorn that we made the soup with, and Silver Queen corn, a sweet corn that was dried, and when cooked like popcorn, made a sweet parched corn.
I talked about the mound gardens that had the three plants that supported each other in their growth: Beans who put nitrogen back into the soil, also supporting the corn stalk as it grows up it, corn which takes the nitrogen out of the soil, providing a natural pole for the beans to climb, and squash, whose shallow roots served as a natural mulch hampering weeds from growing.
There was so much more!
My second day I was training as a Train Conductor: this is the role that I was looking forward to the most. Mom had to assist me to find a costume within our home so I would look like a conductor: I used my black dress pants, one of Dad's old dress shirts, Dad's Guatemalan vest inside out, one of Dad's old ties, which I somehow remembered how to tie, and I put my hair in a bun and wore my sneakers with black socks. I pulled it off.
It was fun doing this job because of the people that I was working with. One's name was Phil, who was the conductor that was training me, and the other was Jack who was the engineer driving the train. THere weren't too many customers at the beginning of the day, but before lunch and after lunch, there were several runs. I sat through two train rides with Phil doing the interprestation: talking about things in the Village and the adjacent Sauder buildings and functions, and then I had a go and did the rest of the day. The first one I did, Sarah Beck showed up and Phil promptly got up, took his conductor hat and placed it on her head, and sat her down on the Conductor's chair next to me and sent us on our way. I felt like I did ok. I got more comfortable with it as the time passed and the last group I went with really enjoyed my conversation. I have to run a cash register for this position, but it's not a pain in the butt because there is so much of a social aspect of this job, and I love it!
This is Sauder Village thus far. On Saturday I work as a Native again, on Tuesday as a Conductor, On Thursday I am supposed to alternate between training at the Stuckey house and working at the ice cream shop and Friday and Saturday I'm to work at the ice cream shop. I'm busy! But I'm enjoying it a lot. I like that I'm getting to get to know people.

Mom on the phone with Sara, our neighbor:
"Sara, can we get some eggs? WE'll have the money ready for you when you come over"
Me: "Mom are you talking to the Bloomers about eggs? Can you ask them to bring a kitten over?"
Mom:"Can you send a kitten over too? (to me) Do you want to borrow it?"
Me: "Yep, just borrow it!"

So I borrowed a kitten that could curl up in the small of my back and fall asleep, with its bright orange fluffy fur and sky blue eyes. We let her tramp around the house with her squeaky meuws and let her defend herself to our ramboncuous hound of a dog, ROcket. I could tell she was getting sleepy, so I brought her in my room and let her crawl onto my back. And there she slept for a little while. After I was done doing some things and really had to pee, I brought her back over to the Bloomers. She crawled up my shoulder and lounged on my neck/back on the walk over and caused giggles to erupt from the Bloomer girls as I knocked on the door with my hunched back and said, "I have a kitten for you."
Later, when Dad looked at the pictures, he said that I couldn't have the kitten around when he was, that that was a bad idea. He might want to keep it. My family has always had a soft spot for animals.

Finishing up the year TWO at EMU

A lot of time has passed since I lasted posted thoughts, let alone events about me. Thus, enjoy my reflections of my second year, fourth semester at EMU.
This past semester, I:
Fell in love with Ben, and even more with God, and we are enjoying listening to our God together while in love, about our future and where he is leading us!
lived with Meg, Bridgie, Melody, on fourth floor of Northlawn, with the walking disciples, enjoying much tea in beautiful cups, henna, dinners of Thai, pizza, dumpstered food, crappy movies, prayer, laughter, crackled backles, and SINGING! (and so much more!)
Fully embraced social work as my major, and the friendships that have been produced. Yay Laura!
Ran with inconsistency but adequacy. I would have loved to run more, but I was so much more busy this semester.
Sort of assisted with reestablishing Eastern Mennonite Student Women's Association.
Collaged like it was it was nobody's business. The art currently hangs from my walls.
Had my first concert for my own music in Common Grounds.
Saw beautiful people leave for their cross culturals and come back, beautiful, excited, learned, broken, peaceful, invigorated, and so much more.
Wrote longer papers in shorter amounts of time than ever before, and it only gets longer.
Took a CLEP exam for the first (and hopefully, last) time.
Reported and took action for injustice on campus for the first time.
Got mono for the first time, during finals week!

And tomorrow, for the first time, I am going to work at Sauder Village, in a beautiful dress, as a train conductor, a townsperson,and a native American. I have some expectations in my head, but I know it is going to be entirely different. I'm going to work on recording a CD of my present and past music.

This past year there is so much I've learned and in so many ways developed. Life has changed, and I'm surrounded by beautiful amazing Godly women and men and supported in every way needed.

New Song: We are the Same in this

How can I help you with your life
If there's pain written all over your face?
Because there's lies, stereotypes
Telling me to keep my distance
You're broken, peace-ridden
What can I suggest?
Because this cold, cold night
Of hopelessness is approaching fast.

And the fight to win this battle
Is going the wrong way
As people take money for themselves
Instead of society

We are lost in this
We are lost in this

These selfish ties victimize
We separate contaminate
Corruption reeks deception
Can we escape?
Remove the lies, which fantasize
An atrocity of fake paradise
Let the layers melt off, see the shock
Human just like them

We are lost in this
We are lost in this

This trap that we've created
Limits your heart size
You're on your own
No one to hold anymore
Marginalized
Sinking into the mud
Let the rain wash away the difference
What makes me different
For you?

We are the same in this
We are the same in this
We are the same.

New Song: Growing Up

I changed the title. This song is about growth and strength in God. Yay!

As the rains of struggle
Fall over me
I feel your foundation stabilizing
With your walls of strength around me
I'm stronger than I could ever be
With me

Without your balance, Lord,
I'm stumbling on my own
Walk with me as my steps are faulty
You have given me the strength to stand
And only in your ways
Can I keep growing up

I'm still such a babe in this
I'm challenged by these bigger steps,
You prepare me for them
I depend on you
I can't try anything I do
Will you lead me to succeed?
In your way, Lord
In Your way

If I walk on my own
I start drowning
Waves of ocean fill me with fear
My faith disappears
Until I let me see
Your perfect love frees me!

It's your will, not mine
And you're my guide
And my soul shines with
You inside
I can't hide
This freedom within me
Can't you see Him? See Him!
Can you see Him?

Christ in Me

Where do you see God in yourself?
How do you let Him serve through you?
Do you let God take on both feminine and masculine identities?
Do not limit God!

Where do you let God speak through you?
Does He sing through the songs you write?
Do Her words escape that mouth of yours as you open your mind to God's plan?
Listen to God!

How does God love through you?
Let your eyes envelope the hurting souls of another.
Surround their pain with God-strength to overcome.
Does God's comfort in your silence echo?

How do you praise God?
Do you let His Word reverberate through you?
Do you humble yourself and let the nature of your soul no longer conform to this world?
Be transformed by God!
/-/
What is good?
Is it the things we say when we should?
Or is it words we would
Say, if it weren't for hurting feelings?

But God is good,
Our good is good!
He takes us as we are, with a love we can't define!

It's the love of our Christ!
A child once like us.
He became the bread and the wine,
Because he knew we'd break it every time
Understanding man's imperfection,
God gave us His son's connection
To take away our unworthy souls,
And make us pure gold,
and make us Good.

Who is Good?
Did not God say that not one is worthy?
Then why do we still do things to define our worthiness?
/-/
Let God's works shine through you.
Don't think you need to do anything for Him!
The king is enthralled by your beauty!
Honor Him, for she is your lord!

This is the love of Christ in me.

Skydiving

Falling in love seems so dangerous
It's cause for broken hearts
Collapsed on the floor
There's always risk involved
When you let fall
You soul is bare
Susceptible to insecurity

But if you both fall at the same time
If you're holding hands
As you jump and fly
This love will catch
Pull that parachute string

Dive into the sky
Soar over mountains
Look over the earth
It was made for us
See potential
Reach for exponential limits
Let real true love envelope you
As you fall together
Grab on hold tight
This is the night for you

Falling in love is so thrilling, freeing
It makes you who you are
And better
It fills you with excitement
Butterflies and you are ready
For your love to fly higher!

Cause if you both fall at the same time
If you're holding hands
As you jump and fly
Your love will catch
Pull that parachute string.

Ben's Song

You happen to be
The opposite of me
In some ways
You step on the other side
You balance my controversial mind
In spite of everything
You accept me.

And there's more God in your eyes
Than I've ever seen in my life
I see it and squirm for more time to go by
Because I just want to embrace you
More than other people do
More, because I mean more
Because Love means more.

What is this love?
English forgot to define
The feelings you've inspired
I can't remain the same.
You've claimed my attention
We've intercepted I want this connection
You were unexpected untimely interesting
You've intrigued me I can't stop suggesting
That you succeeded in tripping me over
That you succeeded in tripping me over
You succeeded in tripping me over
In love with you.

Beautiful words
develop in my mind
I can't speak my face erupts in smiles
I'm bashful and you're accepting
It all helps the depths of
Our hearts connecting.

Thoughts on complications between race and gender oppression

It’s important to be aware. To be passionate, to be driven, and motivated by injustices in the world and to reach the point where you can tell the world because you understand that it needs to be known. That it needs to be something that people are passionate about, and it needs to be something people are motivated by, because it is an injustice in the world.
Part of passion is the empathy that goes along with acknowledging oppression. I take on the pain that other people feel, can sense the frustration in the air when the oppression continues, when people misunderstand what’s really going on. I hate seeing conflict, seeing people disagree, but what I hate more is not seeing the truth bared at the end of the day. This happens when people don’t accept others for who and what they are, but instead choose to stereotype, discriminate, and hate. Other parts of oppression, though, I have experienced, as a woman.
On Monday night, there was a presentation of a video about Hip Hop culture. Afterward, at the discussion, two opinions were created: one in the discussion and the other in my own mind. The African American students who attended the event wanted us to know that the video displayed a stereotype of their culture; this wasn’t who they all were. During the video presentation the idea that stuck out to me the most was the oppression and the issues within our culture. These are caused by patriarchy: men being the leaders in relationship and being dominant over women. This idea is portrayed in the media displaying that women are for men’s sexual pleasures, they have little brain, little clothes, and no voice, other than to voice sexual desires.
I understand that not all African American men carry themselves standing on pedestals of dominating violence, homophobia, and objectifying women. I have reached the point through my life experience of diversity, through my cross cultural in DC and a summer in Queens, that I cannot stereotype anyone by the standards that the media portrays. Certainly, there are men of all races and ethnicities that fulfill that patriarchal role, but there are also quality, deep, men who love the beauty of person and personality.
I left the discussion, however, with a feeling of oppression upon my gut. I walked away disgusted, feeling like my body was oppressing me. Once, when I was walking home from the metro in Washington D.C., I was stopped by a man in a car, in broad daylight, who got out of his car and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I responded with a ‘yes,’ but proceeded to talk to him until he let me on my way. He did not touch or harm me, but I have never felt more confused or filled with fear in my life. I try to carry myself with confidence, to be quick to conversation, but I’m also quick to hide my fear, and my lack of comfort. If the man who got out of his car to ask me that question thought he was complimenting me, or would be able to convince me that he was a worthy gentlemen of choice for a relationship, he was quite confused. This man, though displaying his interest through conversation, only pulled over because he thought I was beautiful, and objectified me.
My frustration continues when I see people who only flirt with others because they are women, or because they fit the standards of beauty in society. This, though building some sort of shallow relationship with someone, still banks off of outward beauty and sexuality. It seems that flirts don’t genuinely like anyone, they just live for attention, and for the self-esteem boost when people reciprocate a response of “I think you’re hot, too.”
Oppression, frustration, and anger resonated in me as I left. What could I do? The only way to stop the objectification of women is to change the structure of our media influences. This means in advertising, we have to stop making people feel bad about themselves enough to buy something. We have to stop setting the standard of women’s idealized body weight at 13-18% underweight. We have to stop sexualizing everything, making every advertisement about thin women, sex, or both. It’s become all about comparing ourselves to others, as if at the genetic level, we all fit the same stereotype.
Awareness is the first part of making a change. I am passionate and driven enough to want to make others aware the oppression of women in society, even if it’s only through my own frustrations and anger. I want people to have awareness of their own actions, and what their influences are. Even if they don’t ‘fit a stereotype’, what are their tendencies? Look! Go outside into the beautiful world, look at human beings and see human beings, with beautiful intelligence and beautiful ideas, not just a beautiful face.

No Longer Suffering Alone

Suffering is a part of humanity. It can be drawn from the very beginning, in Genesis, when the fruit was bitten. Sin was born, pain created, and toiling planted into the working of the soil, the earth, and everything in it. As we have been born into this world that has sin and suffering, we are also bound to suffer.
Because of this, suffering should be normal. People are dying constantly, incurable diseases coming upon people, accidents happen, and life changes. It should be accepted that pain will come along in our lives. Life’s emotions are a bit of a roller coaster, but in knowing this, there is always a mountain after a valley--a positive on the other end. We will live through it!
Somewhere along the way, this Western society seduced us to conform to individuality. This means that we care about ourselves, what others think of us, and have no need to depend upon them. We are who we are, and we don’t need anybody’s help. This means that when we suffer, we are in constant thought of what other people would think of us. If we are crying, or depressed, or seem “lonely,” we are in a state of vulnerability, and our society is uncomfortable with genuine vulnerability. Instead, we put on masks. We avoid pain. We avoid conversations about pain. We hold our pain in.
This idea of perpetual happiness is fictitious. There is not one person in this earth who has lived a life of pure happiness. What kind of a life would that be, to only see the high side, to be constantly floating? This life would be out of touch with reality. Because there would be no up or down, life would be monotonous and boring.
My point is this: why should we have to hold in our pain, keep our shamed secrets within our hearts until we die, because we must hold to these standards that have rooted their way into our souls? God created humans for relationship, and within that relationship, he calls us to bind together, so that “if one falls, the other can help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). God wants us to glean off of our friends, our brothers and sisters in Christ, because they will build us back up when we are suffering, and be our support when we cannot go on anymore. God wants us to open up about our past pains and sufferings—the ones that have lain dormant for so long, but still influence everything we do. God wants us to talk about it.
In my experience, pain stays with me until let others cross the boundary of comfort and enter into the vulnerable deep within me. It is so hard to let others do that, to let people comfort me, because I’ve been framed by the standard that “I can do it myself, I can get better myself” and have been self-medicating through writing lyrics and songs for so long. But God has helped me realize that writing music to an ambiguous crowd can only heal so much.
Confiding in someone helped me remove the fear of rejection, the fear that everyone else is individualistic and doesn’t care. I always knew in the back of my mind that people do care, they can empathize, and they can love unconditionally, but because of the pain I’ve experienced, I only thought I could depend upon myself. I’ve learned otherwise, but it’s been a long process getting there.
In this life, when you are suffering, remember that though you are “in the valley of the shadow of death,” (Psalm 23:4) you aren’t alone. God is with you. Listen to that whispering voice. It’s okay to open your mouth and let your words come out, no matter how hard it is to speak.

One of the reasons I'm late to work. new song. "The only way to live"

You've proved to me Your love
How perfect! I have no fear.
But Lord teach me to walk
What I believe and hold dear.

You are my foundation
My everlasting Rock of Ages.
Rest upon my calling.
Let me listen and hear your voice again.

I'm distracted by my own abilities
But you've placed them in me!
And I want you to shine more than me.
Father guide my hands
Polish my mind so that I can stand for You.

I am blind, Lord, I need to see you
I am deaf, Lord, Let me hear you
I can't feel anything, Jesus be within me
Father I'm tasteless and I know you are good
Show me how to live like I should
You are the only way to live
You are my way to truthful life.

You've filled me with your peace.
How gracious! I have true rest.
Lord teach me not to worry
For life will pass, no matter if I fear or not

You are my foundation
My Everlasting Rock of Ages
Rest upon me Your Peace
Let me listen and hear your voice again

I'm distracted by my own abilities
But you've placed them in me
And I want you to shine more than me
Father, guide my hands
Polish my mind so that I can stand For you.

Everything

I never ceased to be moved by this song.
It hits the heart of my heart and reminds me to worship with all of me without inhibition.
Listen here.

Valentine's Day

Life consistently isn't what you expect.
I suspect that this is because society is so influenced by media fantastical reality, but that's not what I'm blogging about tonight.

Being conspicuous and sneaky with Meg, and decorating Ben's car with words and hearts and cute window crayon pictures.
"Have a wealthy Valentine's Day."
A warm, sunny, windy day that brought on a run outside, then a barefoot game of "ultimate football" outside.
Borrowing heighty heels to be extra intimidating/dominating, first in personality, then in stature.
Practicing to walking in said heighty heels down the hall.
Being suddenly six feet tall.
A pair of pink roses and a sweet kiss on the lips from a handsome, also-tall, charming, Godly man.
Bubbling over with happiness, enthralled by love, flowers, that it's real!
Getting picked up, and a car door opened.
A packed Taste of Thai.
Waiting, standing (in now Painful heighty heels), wobbling, but supported.
Scooting our chairs closer like we're in the cafeteria.
A pair of pink roses and a wealthy card center our table.
Ordering spring rolls because Ben is starving.
Having many "close one"'s
Great conversation about pranks, our parents' Valentine's days, gifts, last minute preparations."
"I love you."
Dim lighting. Delicious Thai food.
A chocolate pyramid for two. No, it was not vegan.
What a wonderful Valentine.
Changing shoes when we got back, and going back to Ben's room to have a Bible Study.
Instead listening to one of my dad's sermons.
Going to bed Happy.
Very Happy.
Happiness that flowed over to today.
Getting a vegan cake heart at breakfast in the caf.
Getting Stella Leona's chocolate hearts in the mail.
Playing piano and singing too loud for my Valentine.
"We are His Portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If Grace is an ocean then we're all sinking.
Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss.
And my heart turns violently inside my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way He loves us."

This is how I feel loved.

blah blah

Sometimes I say what I think.
All the time.
It's like a self narration of my brain map.
Yep.
So sometimes I need to be quiet.

But sometimes I can't think of the things to say.
What are my strengths?
Why do I find myself going back and forth to the same things, and not drawing on variety, the drive of my life?
Now, I can think of so many other things that I have strengths in, or so many more ways to talk about things in better words.
I guess I just felt like there wasn't the greatest connection.
And felt insufficient.
But maybe I just have such high expectations that I cannot attain them.
And I need to level the playing field.
All interviews won't be the best. But I like to be able to smile and laugh.


My body is telling me it's hungry again.
I want to run and I want to be vegan.
What a conundrum.

Music

Have you ever gotten so angry that you could break something, that you could scream until all your breath was gone, and so loud that you hoped that everyone could hear? Have you ever been so sad that you couldn't describe it anymore, that nothing could paint a picture of how you felt, and no one could understand? Have you ever felt so in love that "I love you" just didn't say it quite like you wanted to anymore, that you just wanted to say it better, say it "more" than you ever did before? Life is about love, life is about life, and for me, life is about music. Music is the way that I express when I can't speak it anymore, when my words can't formulate the answer that i desire to say. The way I combine my fingers moving and the air exiting my lungs with vigor, shaping my lips into words fills the synapse of emptiness that I feel when I only say how I feel. When I speak, words can become jumbled, meanings discombobulated, and mispronounced words misconceived. This doesn't happen all the time, but it can, especially when emotions are strong. This is why I write music. I write music so that I can express how I feel, not just through the meanings of the words, but also through the tones of the notes, the chord progressions, minor or major, and how I crescendo and diminuendo.

"Normal"

This was a very interesting paper that I put together for my Abnormal Psychology class. :)

I define “normal” as someone, something, or somewhere that fits into the norms of the society that said someone, something, or somewhere is located. “Normal” can take both positive and negative attributes, because it carries the majority perspective of the dominant culture. In this way, sometimes it’s good to be counter-cultural, or “abnormal”, and be environmentally sustainable. However, in other ways, it is appropriate to be “normal.” Respecting elders, listening when in class are some positive “normal” behaviors that I feel are appropriate to follow through with. In addition, I think that expressing emotion, whether in public or in private, should be a “normal” action and not be considered inappropriate. This is looking at “abnormal” in more of a counter-cultural context, not in terms of behaviors in the psychological context.

            “Abnormal” is often used as a definition when something is out of the ordinary, but no other word can quite describe it. I say “abnormal” when there is murder, but no motive. When there are voices heard, but silence, and when there are characters created, but only in the cognitive fantasy. “Abnormal” is when levels of hormones go too far, and go from creating pleasure to monstrosity, or when blood sugar levels get so low, someone goes from being hungry and weak, to psychopathic. An abnormal behavior is when a rational “question” is met with an irrational response, and no repentance. In this definition, no repentance means, where some people would follow an irrational response with a recognition of their own irrationality, others will forget, or not recall their recognition. This is shown through saying a simple, “just kidding”. An example of “Abnormal behavior” is when artists buy paint instead of food, and chop off parts of their ears to express love.

            I have never been diagnosed with a maladaptive behavior, but I have known people who have. I have relatives who have suffered from depression, and I have an uncle with schizophrenic tendencies and also Parkinson’s. I have lived with my sister who suffered from depression for several years, and I know that symptoms of depression because I have experienced several myself. Knowing that I am genetically disposed for many psychological disorders makes me more aware that there are possibilities for me to suffer from them myself. However, because of this awareness, I find myself even more stubborn to get myself out of any depressing holes that I dig myself into.

            Through my personal experience, I realize that psychological disorders happen to everyone. They exist in every family, though some are more covered up than in the open. I have learned through my experience that the best way to address these disorders is to talk about them, and if one shows tendencies and symptoms, perhaps diagnosis, then, if continuous monitoring requires, medication. People having psychological disorders in secret compounds them into monsters of destruction to the beautiful mind that we are all created with.

            Abnormal behaviors are sticky to define, let alone diagnose. I can think what I want, but in the truth of it is that I use other people as my resources, and it’s a team effort to come to the present conclusions that I create in my mind. I glean for second opinions, and don’t resort to defining people’s oddities to be some life changing disorder. I hope this semester is a learning experience for me, increasing in knowledge and understanding of what maladaptive behaviors are.

Song: "Stand."

God over my fears
Take my hand
Lead me through
This death land
God over my distractions
My misconceptions
Make me dance without burdens
Be my light
In this dark night
Calm my trembling lips
Give me the strength to speak
And take the steps you call me to
On this path made by You

Here I am
Will me to stand
And raise my hands and scream
"HOLY IS YOUR NAME
OVER ALL THE EARTH
YOU MADE!"
You are here
Your mercy is clear
You want to love me
I was broken,
But now I can learn to stand.

Caretaker of my heart
Mold me now
So that I can feel your timing
Busy minds
Distract this temple
Worship becomes obligated
Spark the light
Catch me afire
Burn for all to see
That you are God
You Are God

Spirit of my soul
Breathe in me
Make my empty spaces
Into holy places
Let your wind surround me
Even when my heart is pounding
Lead me to your grace
Taste peace when you say,
"Here you will have troubles,
But take heart!
I have overcome the world!"
YOU ARE GOD!

I'm living above the cafeteria!

So I am now living on campus again.
This is exciting: I can safely say that I won't be unintentionally breaking any EMU rules by spending too many nights in a row on campus, or having to beg people to pay for me to eat in the caf. This feels great, because there is ownership in that.
I actually got to eat breakfast in the caf, and I don't remember the last time I did that. I don't even think I did that very much when I lived in Elmwood, but there seems like no point to not walk down the four flights of stairs to get to the caf when it's right there, and I don't even have to walk outside.
My room is officially starting to feel like home. There is a collage wall right above my bed, which I hope to add to as much as possible.
I paid my balance at the business office this morning, after a chilly walk to the bank to extract all my funds from my checking account. Then someone who knew my family when we went to Lindale (which was in 1996 and 1997, btw) picked me up halfway home and gave me a ride to the Commons. That was cool. I love having Mennonite connections.
When I paid my balance, I felt so blessed. I had enough money, and now I'm all set for this semester. I sent some books for some money and that didn't cost me anything. That was nice.
Now I'm in Common Grounds, spending some time with Katherine, and Mila too, later. It feels weird, because I feel like I should be doing something. I need to be okay with just being. Now that I'm going to be  on campus, there's going to be more "be" time, and I will need to find the places that I feel the most comfortable to do that. There is a wondrous prayer room with a piano in Northlawn, directly below my suite a couple floors. I'm looking forward to having lots and lots of piano time in there.
I'm on a knitting hoodie high right now, and I want to make lots and lots of hoodies for everyone!!!

We love long hair! Why?

Or we love hair that's layered, to our shoulders, the declaration of normal for American teenagers.
High schoolers, college girls, the average is long. Layers. Wear it straight, wear it scrunched, curl it!, braid it.
The latter is the reason I keep my hair long. Otherwise, if I don't have knitting, I get bored and unbearable.
More recently, Marie and I have been thinking about taking the plunge together, to go for a shorter pixieish cut. The more I think about it, the more I can't wait.
I like my curls, they are wavy and fun, but I am starting to get sick of tangles and the flyaways.
It's like a cleansing for your scalp, a weight lifted off your shoulders.
I was going to do dreads. And then shave my head.
I could still do that.
Once spring comes around, and Marie is done with Prom, it's gone.
I'm going to hold true to that promise I made to my hair dresser, that one that began, "one of these days, you are going to get to go crazy with my hair"
Patience is a virtue.
I sometimes love long hair.

I'm knitting a hoodie.

It's true.
I really wasn't going to blog about anything. I just woke up, and I was trying to add someone to follow--all my friends are going on their cross culturals (or are already gone, and most of them are blogging or emailing), and somehow I ended up clicking on the "New Post" button twice. So I decided to post.
I am knitting a hoodie, as the title states and as the first line of the post clarifies.
It looks like Joesph's TECHNICOLOR Dream Coat.
I'm serious. I couldn't be more happy about it.
Considering I have no money for yarn and this is basically all I got (give or take a few skeins) for Christmas in the yarn department, it might be a little while until I get to make another one.
I still have to replace the light on the back of my car and maybe the one on the front too (something happened finals week. There was snow on the ground. That's my excuse)
But anyway. I was going to make this hoodie for Marie. Because we have been talking about it for a little while. But I'm thinking of keeping it for a little while. It is my colors, after all. And it's amazing.
Did I tell you that I fell in love with my hoodie that I'm knitting?
Among other things,
I miss Bekah, Meg, Jamila, Ben, Mike, Andrew, Joanna, Samuel, Abi, Lizzie, Graceanne and so many more people from Kansas, from school, that I don't see very much of. Or when I'm at school, I see them all the time.
But to those of you who are going on cross cultural: Don't think about those of us in America too much, it will take away from the awesomeness of being an alien! Immerse yourself in the language and culture. Relish in your mistakes, learn from your experiences. Take pictures of grand sunsets, deep valleys, high waterfalls. Make friends! Not just with your fellow EMU students, but with those who are native to the country. Be as social as you are at EMU--that's the only way you can learn the language.
Lots of love, mittens, glittens, socks, hats, scarves, and now hoodies,
Grace