Taking University by the Horns.

(I was going to use my new college vocabulary, but I do know that there are some of my relatives who would not like to see how rebelious I am.)
Ahem.
I am not a Biology Major.
Ok. Technically I still am. On paper.
But my heart was changed weeks ago.
My "interest" in science was a self-placed psychologically tweeked engravement in my mind because I wanted to have a career that was financially stable. Silly silly reasoning. I did NOT want to be like my parents, and become pastors, going to seminary and not being able to always buy what I wanted. How selfish that statement is.
Within this first month of college, I have realized that I have A LOT to say. About God and about many other things. I like to be informed and to have the answer. I like to be able to tell other people about things so that they can also e informed. I love to tell people of the things I know in a laid back atmosphere. When I go running I can talk about what I'm thinking, blurting out thoughts as the enter my brain. I realized this month that I want to be directly helping make people happy, and more stable in that happiness.
At my first piano lesson, I realized how much of a commitment that two credit class was. My teacher, knowing that it wasn't my first priority, not being a music major, still made it possible for me to have an hour long lesson. The fact that I hadn't had a lesson for almost nine months showed how rusty I was, but she hit the nail on the head and we got going. I want to practice everyday. I want to play all the time. but I ahve these pesky classes that I have to go to. Biolopleh, which I have to have a diet Coke and constant texts from friends to survive, along with lots of burps and giggles with my friend Susan. And Chemistry... I have found a love. But it is time consuming and motivating to do better in. Chemistry is more absolute than Biology--it is more like math than science for me. Which is one of the reasons why I think I enjoy it. Realizing that, I could have done well in a math class this semester. And although it would have been time consuming, all of the work is directly related to a formula, which is preferred.
Back to Piano, though. It is directly connected to my brain. When I practice, it's not studying, a habit that I have to reinitiate myself with. It's like eating, and sleeping. Something that not only makes a day better, but it makes it so I can function. (Have you met me when I haven't eaten? I'm constantly reverting back to the hunger every five minutes.)
I'm addicted to caffeine, as stated for Biology. Who knew science was so boring I'd have to do drugs to get through it.
Not that all science is unbearable. I enjoy setting up Greta Ann's Human Anatomy and Physiology labs even though I haven't gotten to see any cadavers yet. My time will come. I did tell her I had interest in that. There are jars with pigs, possums, jeely fish, and some unidentified I think headless organism in them. There are also skulls. (All of these I have observed and entertained myself with while setting up labs and getting easily distracted.) The most surprising skull for me was the fetus skull. It was so light! I was surprised. But I recall holding baby Carmine, when I was working with Tessa this past spring. He was so light. It's saddening, and frightening, and I don't know what I think about it. If I had a baby and it died, I wouldn't donate it to science. That seems insensitive.
I'm kicking *butt* in my Ruling Ideas class. I'm writing a children's book. We were supposed to write it about a person college aged who made a difference. I was struggling with finding a person to write mind about. So I decided to do Jamila, who is in my Honors class, and participated in the Morocco YES trip this past year. The illurstrating is going pretty well, but it is time consuming and I don't know if I am going to be able to finish and still feel good about the pictures I'm drawing and shading. I will post the pages of the book after I am finished.
Animal blood.
Never thought I would write about it, but Greta Ann had to ahve it ordered for a lab, and it didn't come yet and so we were having to call the costumer service and see why it didn't come. The reasoning makes sense, but you'd think that they would inform the customer of the reasoning. "living" products are shipped directly from the vender on a different time schedule and they only ship on Tuesdays, and if one misses the time deadline on the Tuesday before they have to wait the entire week. That's what I learned.
I "like" my workstudy. Kind of like how I "like" dogs. I'm not sur ehwat would be better... considering there's not much work that I enjoy doing. But I could be an informant at the historical library. I just don't think I could work with Lois.
I went running yesterday. It went great. I think a lot of people are surprised that I can run so much.. Probably because I don't exactly have an athletic sort of body shape. But heck yes, I can run a little bit more than three freaking miles. :D
Dig it.
I have to pee and go get more diet Coke. And maybe go run again.

In Memory of Little Yellow

Today I went to breakfast with three missed calls on my phone. After I ate, I walked back to my dorm and called my mom, who was leaving the messages. She told me that they found Little Yellow on the side of the road--he'd been hit by a car. We had moved to a smaller house twice as close to the road, with roads where cars drive twice as fast. He was twelve, he has seen many roads and cars. This time he wasn't quite fast enough to make it.

Little Yellow, or "Baby", as I affectionately called him, was my baby. He, and his sister, Little White, were added to our family when I turned six. We got them as kittens from a friend I had in kindergarten at Waterman Elementary. They lived inside with us in the duplex with our family. They were introduced, ironically, to Simba/Big Boy, who they were originally replacing because he was thought to have run away. He was found at the local SPCA, and readded to the family.

Little White was originally my kitten, and I named her this because she was the majority grey and had a "little white" on her stomach. Marie, who was the "owner" of Little Yellow, followed suit and named her small kitten "Little Yellow." Of course, they grew, and little Yellow was no longer so small. We considered ourselves similar in personalities to our cats. Little White was more quiet, as was I, but "cried" when given a shot, which I did as well. Little Yellow was more rambunchous, but made no sound when given his shots, as was Marie. There were several points in our elementary careers that we wanted to trade pets, and make each others' cats our own. I do not remember if we came up with a consensus, or if either cats were ours.

They moved with us to Bridgewater, in the white house with the large yard and the park next door. They relished in the space of the yard, catching moles, mice, birds, and even Baby got a rabbit one time (to Marie's horror). They shed every collar they were given, and slowly the fears of them being lost had vanished. They survived the make pretend of Marie and I, dressing them in doll clothes, and enclosed under laundry baskets. They slept on our beds, in our windows, on our piles of clean laundry, on our laps, with me in my bed.

As the years went on, I matured, meaning I did not dress the cats in doll clothes anymore. The cats gained a few pounds as well, and our relationships became less like civil aquaintances and more like friends. My kitty and I would sleep together and snuggle. He would purr in my arms and come when I called, "Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!!" (in a super high voice) He would always raise his tail in the air when he saw me. Sometimes he would meow as he came toward me. He was my teddy bear and would make me feel safe on nights when I felt like I was going have bad dreams. I was always calmed by the kneading and purring combination, and when he was giving himself a licked bath, I could feel true peace: that there was nothing else left in the world but this here and how, just calm down. Take it slow.

He was my therapist. I had no problem snuggling my face into his fur and crying. He used to climb onto my lap when I played the piano, no matter how difficult the angle of sitting was. Whenever I would crack a hard-boiled egg on the counter to peel the shell off, he would come bounding into the kitchen and rub his body against the back of my legs, begging for the yolk. Marie and I used to go to the pet store and buy the canned cat food so that Baby and Little White could enjoy a little change in meals.

I loved him, through his fat days and then when he lost a little weight and had this little bag of extra skin that made him look like a homeless man/cat. He always looked disgruntled, according to Marie, like he'd just woken up.

One time, at our home in Streetsboro, Ohio, he was sleeping in the pocket of the window and the screen fell out and he fell onto the ground outside. It was only a few feet down, but he was still so surprised. He used to sleep under bushes and we could often see him napping the the shade of the plants. Baby would faithfully climb onto the windowsill of Marie's room, and proceed to knock every single item off so that he could sit on it. We had fish tanks for awhile. He and Little White, or both would drink the running water from the filter and make the water get lower and start to trinkle so that I would have to refill the tanks more often. He would sleep in boxes and bags and climb into the vents of the old house and go exploring underneath and we could always hear the echoing of the steps throughout the house because we had wood floors.

There were things about having him, and cats, in general, that I didn't like. The hairballs and random barf found in random places around the house, or on my floor in my room, or on my bed (I hated those times) were not welcome. Then there was the cat pee. Whenever the litter boxes needed to be cleaned, (and this happened especially much when Little Yellow and Little White were older) they would pee on other things. Like the carpet that I used to have in my old room. Or the generality of backpacks on the floor. But pee can be washed out, no matter how unwelcome the smell is.

I still loved him. He was the most wonderful cat. He would follow me wherever I would go. He would go sleep in the neighbor's garage. He would snuggle me to sleep at night. I loved him much more than I realized today when I heard that he was gone. I used to think that when he would die that I would be okay with it, and that I wouldn't let myself cry. But I did. He was my sweetest love. My snug muffin. Even when he smelled like cat butt.

I miss you Baby.

The Lifetime of a Pair of Contact Lenses

I realized today that my contacts have reached the ripe old age of almost two months, and it is time for them to be replaced with new young ones so I can read what my Ethics teacher writes on his board in such an obscure way.

And then I was thinking about these two months. And how much my life has changed.

It was the end of Fine Arts camp when I got the lenses, after misplacing one of my lenses at one o'clock in the morning the night I got back to the Peaceful house after Convention. And I functioned in my glasses until my parents brought my contacts among other provisions when they came to pick me up to go to the Engle Reunion. I was so enthralled and happy that I put them in as quickly as possible. And as I recall, we played Settlers and went to MugzWigs and then some stayed up until four in the morning. Only to leave at seven the next day for the reunion. I was exhausted almost the entire reunion and didn't really care. But I was there and that is what mattered.

There were four more weeks of camp after that. Boys Camp was wild. I washed a lot of dishes and actually got to spend a little time with Zach, who was counseling, on his break. I counseled Junior High Camp. Which was awesome. I was the coordinator of Junior Teen Camp, also another amazing week. And then there was Fledgling Camp. Not my favorite memory. I was way too exhausted to function. And there were conflicts with my co counselor, who was from Russian. Then Camp was over, and I drove home--to my new home. In Wauseon. A few illegal u turns later I arrived at the petite brick house that was now home to my things, my bed, my boxes of memories. But when I opened the boxes of memories, I was still in my yellow room with the collage wall and the stains on the carpet. With Baby sleeping on my bed and the late night conversations, with the knitted projects as well.

A week later I was back at the Peaceful house. Saying goodbye to Zach for what we thought would be three long months, which has been shortened greatly since then. I went to see him a couple of weeks ago for his Commissioning service, and I get to see him next week.

Then I spent one more week in Wauseon before driving eight and a half hours to EMU, where my college life (for rizzle this time) began. I've made friends (thank goodness) done pretty okay with grades, and written some songs. There have been some days I just couldn't put the contacts in. Like a couple days ago, I woke up thirty-five minutes after my first class had started.

But all in all these contacts have had me see through some of the most transitioning positions of my life.

No pun intended.

Since when is Cleaning a Room Necessary?

When you can't find things that are on your desk. Which are visible.

Today was a fun day.

It started off well. I slept in until 8:35, making it just in time (NOT) for Honors, which started at 8:00. I prepared very much for this class--I read a lot of material, and I missed most of the lecture. But it was great because I picked up right where they were, because I was so prepared. Hallelujah for a memory that works.

Later, my teacher commended me for coming to class forty minutes late. She said most people wouldn't do that. Most people also wouldn't have thought they turned their alarm on when they didn't. She said I was an example. . .

I realized today at lunch that I'm more talked about than I realize. There were some girls who had heard about me, and my tongue piercing (apparently not everyone at EMU has on), and some probably have heard about my musical abilities, but hey, I'm not Phillip Martin, so I'm not actually a Music Major. But that's what I plan to do. Anyway. Rabbit Trail.

I spent a good part of my morning and afternoon playing piano. It made me really happy, and the Resident Director's husband told me that he liked to hear me practice. I love to practice. That's why I would be a BAD biology major. I'm not failing. I just think I will get a B in the class or so. We'll see. I may put forth the effort after all.

I made it through almost the entire day without science. At lunch, my lab partner and I decided to work on our Chemistry prelab. Unfortunately, we were mobbed by awesome people and were easily one of the most social/hysterical tables in the cafeteria at the time. ---I almost finished. But am still far from done. And I don't believe in copying. By the way, I actually like Chemistry more than Biology right now, which is pretty amazing, considering I though for sure that I was going to hate it with passion. ---One of the girls who did the presentation in the class sat at our table, and immediately recognized me as the extremely late one. But I was intrigued by her writings and enjoyed them immensely, so I could talk to her about it if I did desire, (unfortunately, Chemistry was on the mind). The table had some hilarious comments. Like how, for me, anions were easily remembered as negative ions because the word was basically onions.. and for some reason, onions have a negative association for me... must have been the rotten onion sorting at the Peacefuls...

Yesterday at Jazz Ensemble, I felt like I had started to be improving. The director asked me to sing the solo I was to improv on the piano. Totally out of my comfort zone. Turned BRIGHT red. But his point was to play it like I would sing it. So I put all the recordings of the arrangements on my Mac, and will soon put them onto my ipod. Anyway, he also told me that anytime I was inspired to write something for the Jazz Ensemble, that I should.

Well, today I wrote something. But it's not really my style. It's sexy. Jazz.. So I don't know if I like it, nor do I know if it's moral.. ha. It's really not that bad.

I accompanied my first lesson with Lauren. It went well. Thus, we both have some learning to do. And also, I cannot wait until Marie gets to that level of music.. Lauren's a beast.

Then I had my piano lesson. My Sinfonia is going well. Gets better every time I play. Lynne is having me work on little parts of each song because I don't have as much practice time. It's frustrating, but eventually I have to get somewhere with the pieces and will not do so by playing the whole piece over and over again.

Then this evening, I "reluctantly" went running. Meaning I wanted to, but I was unmotivated. I don't know. It's two very different parts of my mind. Ellie and I ran two and three quarters again. And then Alisha came up to me just as I came back and told me to come play field hockey with her, that she was scared. So I went. and played for the first time ever. I think I beasted it.. our team won. But it's really up to the audience to tell. It felt great. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow.

Then (oh yes, there's more) I went to Lehman to see Vineyard55 play. They are the band that I am going to cover for when I perform in Common Grounds. Although I'm not sure that they know that. It was interesting. Not perfect, but still well thought out. And worked on. And original. Rapping with guitar, bass, and piano--not something you see everyday. It was pretty cool, although I'm more of a melody type of person, and could probably nitpick the flat notes out. But I'm not, because I prefer to listen and learn.

Now, after a nice shower, a brief ice fight and a couple quarts of Raspberry Koolaid. I'm out. Still didn't finish Chemistry. Sleep is more important.

Love you Mom and Dad.

Am I Inconsiderate?

I feel lonely because I miss my boyfriend. I won't get to see him for eight months after Thanksgiving. But tonight I was struck of the emotion that some of my fellow students are having right now because a friend of theirs died this week. I saw some people hugging on my way back from the movie tonight and I was wondering why they were hugging for so long. Then I realized that they were crying in each other's arms. And I felt really selfish and inconsiderate of these thoughts. I felt like the space away from the one that I love is only temporary. But what those girls were experiencing-- they won't see that person again in this life. I'm reprimanding myself for not being able to see where they are coming from. But I still miss him. But I feel guilty because I don't feel for them--I didn't know who the person was that died. But after seeing those girls, I was motivated. Motivated to do something for myself, I was sick of sitting somewhere. I decided that I should take care of myself. Live to the fullest of by abilities. I ran three miles. At 11:00PM. Yes I am still up and it's 1:30. Not even tired. I need to go to bed though. I'm going to church tomorrow.

What can I do?

I have met so many people. I've made so many friends. Yet I don't feel at home. Maybe it's because it isn't home. Or I don't have a home. Or because I'm not content to be here.

Home is relative. It's relational. Maybe I need to be around those that I love to feel like I'm at home. I need to feel comfortable in myself to feel at home. I need feel comfortable in the people I'm around. And for the most part I am. But I'm still holding things back and so I'm nots comfortable yet.

My Cool New Friends

I'm blogging from Room 306 in Elmwood right now. This has become one of the places that I go to hang out with the girls that are my friends. It's Deanna and Alisha's room, and it's on the other side of the hall from Andrea and I's room.

These girls are loud, hilarious, and wonderful. We talk about everything, are free to fart around each other, and never get any homework done. We stay up late every night.

These girls, plus Monica, from Cedarwood, Grace from the room next to Andrea's and mine, and Mike, "Bodner" from the floor below all go to lunch when we can and hang out as much as we can. We do random things like camp out in the Commons while being hyper. or go get piercings after going to the mall.

We go to the den and common grounds when we don't need to. We eat everyone's food. We go shopping as a group to Walmart, Staples, Barnes & Noble, and Starbucks.

Last Friday we went to Ruby Tuesdays as a smaller group and ate good food. We put our cell phones in the middle of the table, and we prayed for our food and ate good food.

It has been great.

Yesterday Jamie had a bible study and I went to it. She talked about Hosea and his prosititute wife. I thought of some really good statements.

--It's more acceptable in our culture to not believe in God than to be sexually unfaithful. People are more shunned if they have cheated on someone because it's human to human contact/relationship, and it's more real. If someone doesn't believe in God of have a relationship with God, it's accepted as a belief and then not thought of otherwise. In Hosea, God was referring to the relationship between Israel and him as a adulterous relationship. In this country, we SHOULD feel like not following God is the worst sin, but somehow it's lost in the distractions of the world. The money and the sex itself and we don't even think about God in the scheme of all things.

--Sex is the closest way to know someone. Jesus is our bridegroom and he's waiting for us, to have this relationship that is so close and so wonderful. When we have sex with someone, we share the closest bond possible with another human being. So when someone cheats on another and has sex with another person, the bond is severely severed and there isn't, couldn't be the same anymore. Serious forgiveness and rethought thoughts have to be gone through. Most couples that have cheated on one another have to go through serious marital counseling. So when God is our God and we love him, but we get distracted by the world and do not love Him or give Him what He deserves, then it's cheating on God. It's the worst thing you can do in the relationship. God loves you so so much and it's horrible for Him when we walk away to see if there are better things out there. But although God hates it when we walk away, he takes us back, though broken, with open arms. That's how much he loves us. Even when we cheat on God, he takes us back every time, no matter how many times we leave and come back, we are still accepted.

My Strengths

I took a Strength-Based Leadership test yesterday. I was late on doing it--I was supposed to read this book for Honors and I finally read it and took the test. And I thought the test was bogus because there were two choices on the sides of the spectrum and I could have chosen either of them. So I chose Neutral. But I guess Neutral has a completely different answer than either side of the spectrum. And the results--well, at first I didn't really read through them and took them as they were. But then I called my mom today and was reading her the descriptions of the different aspects of leadership that I have and she was telling me that it sounded just like me. All of them.

And I realized that they did. And it kind of freaked me out, really. I feel really vulnerable, it's like I fell in love and somebody figured out my true feelings, can understand me completely and now I'm not so mysterious. Now I'm vulnerable that people can understand everything that's going on in me. It's almost scary that something truly defines almost every single thing about me.

Strengths-Based Leadership Report 

Leader:Grace Engle 

Gallup found that it serves a team well to have a representation of strengths in each of the 

four domains of leadership strength: Executing, Influencing, Relationship Building, and 

Strategic Thinking. Instead of one dominant leader who tries to do everything or individuals 

who all have similar strengths, contributions from all four domains lead to a strong and 

cohesive team. This doesn't mean that each person on a team must have strengths exclusively 

in a single category. In most cases, each team member will possess some strength in multiple 

domains. 

According to our latest research, the 34 Clifton StrengthsFinder themes naturally cluster into 

these four domains of leadership strength. See below for how your top five themes sort into 

the four domains. As you think about how you can contribute to a team and who you need to 

surround yourself with, this may be a good starting point. 

Your Top Five Clifton StrengthsFinder Themes 

Executing Influencing Relationship 

Building Strategic Thinking 

Command Empathy 

Woo Connectedness 

Communication 

Your Personalized Strengths Insights 

Empathy 

By nature, you may push yourself to meet certain standards or reach particular goals. Your 

feelings of success or failure might depend on the way others judge your results. Your keen 

awareness of some people’s moods might motivate you to work harder. Sometimes you want 

to please them. Sometimes you want to earn their approval; other times, you just want to 

Strengths-Based Leadership Report (with your personalized Strengths Insights) 

make them happy. Because of your strengths, you may be a person who feels certain things 

very deeply. This partially explains why you place some importance on having others know 

who you are as a person or as a professional. Perhaps you hope specific individuals grasp a 

little bit of what you think, feel, need, dream, or desire. Driven by your talents, you may be 

emotionally attuned to what is going on in your own or others’ lives. Perhaps you concentrate 

on what is good. Sometimes you search for the best in people, experiences, assignments, or 

situations. Maybe you strive to fill certain individuals with joy. Occasionally you find ways to 

unburden them of their anxieties, frustrations, sadness, disappointments, fears, or anger. It’s 

very likely that you might bring an emotional awareness to certain kinds of conversations. 

Sometimes you can ease the stress of individuals if they are about to make an important 

decision. Perhaps you can calm those who are struggling with the uncertainty of change. 

Once in a while, you pose probing questions to direct the thinking of others. To some degree, 

you refrain from telling people what they should or should not do. Instinctively, you may 

have quick and ready insights into the moods and emotions of specific individuals. This 

awareness might enhance your effectiveness as a trainer, guide, or instructor. Perhaps your 

sensitivity allows you to help certain people express what they are thinking or feeling. 

Command 

Chances are good that you routinely gamble on whether to engage outsiders or newcomers in 

conversations. When you take your chances and succeed, you probably gain confidence. You 

usually become more assertive when you have to make inquiries, give directions, or issue 

orders to your new acquaintances. By nature, you empower people with your air of certitude 

— that is, confidence. Your very presence reassures them that they indeed are quite ready and 

capable of tackling assignments, spearheading projects, or playing key positions on a team. 

Driven by your talents, you usually have more innovative ideas or original suggestions than 

others in the group. You are delighted to participate in forums where you can present your 

creative concepts. Others are likely to share your desire to improve things. This explains why 

many individuals welcome your suggestions. Because of your strengths, you generate ideas 

quickly. You draw clever linkages between facts, events, people, problems, or solutions. You 

present others with numerous options at a pace some find dizzying. Your innovative thinking 

tends to foster ongoing dialogue between and among the group’s participants. It’s very likely 

that you automatically vied for the top ranking in contests and games as a child. Reflecting on 

your youth, you might remember a few instances of being self-sufficient, assertive, or bold. 

Woo 

Chances are good that you are very fond of and devoted to the people in your life. You thrive 

when individuals reciprocate — that is, return — your feelings of warmth and affection. 

Instinctively, you enjoy chance encounters with friends and strangers. You engage them in 

conversation. Rarely are you at a loss for words. You delight in all kinds of dialogues, 

discussions, and verbal exchanges. You are apt to move swiftly from person to person, taking 

Strengths-Based Leadership Report (with your personalized Strengths Insights) 

time to briefly chat with each individual. Because of your strengths, you may be guileless — 

that is, candid and frank — about what you think or feel. You might reveal many details 

regarding your past, your present circumstances, or your future prospects. Some individuals 

appreciate your plainspoken and open style. Maybe you spend little, if any, time pretending 

you can do or be something you know you cannot. You might win some new friends by being 

open about yourself. It’s very likely that you customarily enjoy being the person who gets 

people talking. When outsiders or newcomers have little or nothing to say, you usually find a 

way to ease them into the dialogue. Driven by your talents, you are occasionally surprised 

when your upbeat attitude inspires people. You might generate good feelings in people by 

emphasizing their successes, contributions, and favorable traits. Eager to bond with others, 

perhaps you make the time to offer sincere compliments or send congratulatory messages. 

Connectedness 

It’s very likely that you underscore what people have in common even though their 

backgrounds, experiences, languages, cultures, or interests vary greatly. You facilitate 

dialogue between individuals. You create peace within groups and between people by linking 

them to one another. By nature, you sense every event is somehow the consequence of a 

series of actions, reactions, or lack of actions. You can accept that which cannot be fully 

explained using logic. You say there are no accidents. You are confident that things are 

linked together for a purpose that may or may not be revealed to you. Driven by your talents, 

you sometimes experience an unexplainable yet natural link with some people. Perhaps this is 

a common occurrence with certain individuals, particularly those whose talents, limitations, 

interests, goals, needs, or fears are known to you. Because of your strengths, you genuinely 

like to help people overcome obstacles that prevent them from linking up with one another. 

This explains why you engage so many newcomers or outsiders in small talk as well as 

serious discussions. Instinctively, you may bring a more optimistic perspective to life than 

some people do. Why? You somehow feel linked to other members of the human family. 

Perhaps knowing you are not alone in your suffering or joy encourages you. 

Communication 

It’s very likely that you might be able to keep a discussion or small talk moving when you are 

talking with someone you know on a personal level. By nature, you delight others with your 

stories and adventurous tales. You are a natural conversationalist. You gravitate to 

discussions and engage in casual chitchat. When the dialogue begins to lag, you probably 

keep it moving by asking questions, introducing a new topic, describing an incident, or 

offering an explanation. Because of your strengths, you value what others have to say. You 

pay attention to the observations they make. You acquire knowledge, skills, and insights from 

your peers during group conversations. You exhibit a strong inclination to participate in 

dialogue with others so new ideas are brought to everyone’s attention. Chances are good that 

you usually dive into conversations when you have a story to tell or a point to make. You 

Strengths-Based Leadership Report (with your personalized Strengths Insights) 

enjoy speaking with people. You recognize that conversations are a valuable source of new 

information. You probably want to share what you know with others. When you are involved 

in a group discussion, you typically add to it. Driven by your talents, you enjoy verbalizing 

your thoughts. You want others to acknowledge your ideas and feelings. Gaining and 

maintaining people’s attention pleases you. 

Seems Like a Dream, Really

Have you ever done something that was so out of routine with normality, and was so beautiful and perfect that, it truly seemed like it didn't happen? That it was a figment of your imagination and every second you continue imagining it seems like a pointless ritual that you should quit because it didn't really happen. ---but wait! it did. 

And that thought makes life seem so much better. And how could one live live with moments like these and not feel God in the world? See in the motion of the minutes you have with the one you love are truly a gift. Don't take them for granted. 

This Sunday was normal except for the fact that I was awakened by a phone call at 8:00 from my boyfriend. And then I went back to sleep until eleven and avoided the idea that I skipped church. I went to lunch with some of the girls and then hung around with the rest of them. At around 12:30, it was just me and Deanna sitting at the table and as the idea popped into my head, I found myself saying, "Do you want to go to Pennsylvania with me today?"

Deanna replied, "sure." and the fun began from there.

First, I called to find out when and where we would need to be. I meant to keep it a secret from Zach, but that didn't happen, considering he knows me too well.

Then we grabbed snacks, mouthwash, and homework, stopped to get gas and then got on 81.

Although few, there were some mistakes on the spontaneity of the trip-- we didn't get directions directly to the place we were headed. Luckily Deanna is from the area and called someone to give us directions. Unfortunately, Deanna also thought she knew the way. We got to Harrisburg at 3:45. We got to Mount Joy at 5:15. We took the long way. A way involving a detour through Hershey and a quick rinse of mouthwash somewhere in Manheim... 

But we got to the church without getting lost. We discovered an atlas in the car three hours into the trip.

I greeted Zach's parents, and then I saw Zach. He gave me a huge hug and smile. I also saw several other people that I knew--Chris. We talked a little, but I look forward to when I can stay at their house when visiting during family weekend. It's coming up in a few weeks. I also saw Melody Tobin. She of course didn't remember me, but I remembered her because our parents constantly receive their family's newsletter. We also saw Aaron Yutzy's sister, but did not say anything to her. She might have been freaked out.

We had some funny conversation with Denice and Toby and then there was the commissioning service. I counted it as my church for the day and enjoyed the service, especially when the worship team sang "Mighty to Save" and when the message's message was that "we as Christians stink. Let the world know!" Priceless.

And I cannot forget the time that Zach noticed I was sitting just across the way from him. He glanced over because someone was coming back to their seat and saw me and didn't see me. When he glanced again, to make sure that it was really me, he gave me a smile I can't forget easily.

Then we had the prayer circles. This was the first time that I really felt like I could be who I am in our relationship (his girlfriend) and be with God and pray with Zach and be there with him. (Every other time we have prayed together has either been on the phone or at camp, where you cannot really have a relationship.) It was closure for me. I loved that we could have that moment. I had an arm around his waist and prayed for him and thanked God for him. It was wonderful. 

We hugged goodbye for a long time. There were a lot of words that weren't said in those hugs. Just squeezed me tight. We'd only been away from each other a month and will see each other again in a couple weeks. But  him leaving for a good long time is looming ahead. So I savor every breath I take in your arms. And every word you couldn't say that you swept around my body with your strong grasp. 

I'm leaving soon

I'm leaving here soon

Please forgive me for the 

Things I forgot to say to you

I'm leaving soon

I'm leaving here soon

Please forgive me for the

Memories I left behind.

What I meant to say was goodbye

But you held me so tight

All I said was a sigh

Because I love you and I don't like this word "goodbye"

So can we stay in this embrace forever

Can the sun come up and down and never find us?

Could we just swallow our words

Until tomorrow it's absurd to let go

But I'm letting go now

I'm missing you

I really miss you

I'm reminded of the 

Things I wanted to say to you

I'm missing you

I really miss you

I'm surrounded by the

Memories left in my heart 

What I remember are the times

That you held me so tight

And I remember those lines I meant to say

But no words could express what your love did

So can we stay in this embrace forever?

Can the sun come up and down and never find us?

Could we just swallow our words until tomorrow 

It's absurd to let go

Please don't let go now.

Every second we drove away made it seem more and more like a beautiful dream that I could tell my friends of later. But it was true. It is true. Maybe all the good moments of life feel like they are dreams later on so that we realize that we need to savor them as we are in the moment. And so that we do not forget the beautiful things that happen.  

I tried to listen to a song you sang

  but you weren't there

I tried to find a way on the map to see you

  but you were not there anymore

I tried to focus on some sweet memory

But ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW is this desolate hole.

I try to find the sweet melody of the life that I will have in short weeks, short months, a short year when our combination makes the best recipe.

But all I find is this yearning.

There's no closure for me right now.

What I would give to see you in passing 

You have no idea.

I don't want to let go

But I'm in agony right now.

Lately I've Been Here

To hear your voice speaking to me, 

But I can't answer.

And the tears fill me.

I want to be there.

I want to look into your eyes.

But Lately I've been here

Instead of There.

Every time I think about you.

I think of those I have met because of you.

I think of the things I have tried because you wanted me to.

And all that I know because you told me.

So lately I'm been here.

I know I've changed

I think for the better

But that makes it so much harder. 

How am I supposed to be who I am

When I'm my best with you?

I can't stand just standing lately in here

I think I can. I know I can. 

I will wait.

And you, you know how agonizing it is.

The miles away are like scraps on my skin

Feeling the burn of the peroxide washing it

Wounds do heal, 

But I don't want it to be okay in my head for you to be away.

I'll wait every second in anxiety

pushing harder everyday

Going to bed exhausted

Hoping that the day I see you will come a little bit faster. 

That I can mentally survive these months.

Lately I have been here.

It's the burn of a slap to the face

When I think about the length of time away.

I don't want to give it up.

I won't give up you.

Unless I die before you do.

Tongue Piercing and Patience

So I decided to get my tongue pierced yesterday. Yes, I told my family. No, they didn't want to kill me. There are a couple things I learned that can be used in normal life settings.

Something that doesn't hurt a lot at the beginning still pierces something, and will hurt eventually. It didn't hurt very much to get it done at all.

If one bit of you is in it, ALL of you is in it. My whole tongue hurts. Plus my throat, although that may have something to do with feeling sick.

Long hard things do not belong in the mouth--which is why I cannot wait until four weeks from now, so I can put the shorter bar in.

People will always laugh at you no matter what you do. For example, Evan, who couldn't stop laughing at my lisp, also asked me to tell him how the piercing affects french kissing.

Don't bite off more than you can chew. When we got back to the dorm, there were donuts on the table in the lounge and I was like "Ooo that sounds good." Don't eat the donut. I have yet to figure out how to chew...So for dinner last night I had pudding, sherbet, and I did inhale some corn, lima beans, and rice. 

I cannot wait to see what kind of selection of soup they have next week.

Keep it clean. If my tongue gets infected, no one will be able to understand me.

Ice is cold. And it hurts to say the word cold.

Would I do it again? Probably.

 

Because I know what I want

With college comes dean's list, work-study, all-nighters, and cafeteria food.

There's also beer, cigarettes, parties, boys, and cops. 

Don't forget that side.

I went to my first ever drinking party, my first weekend on campus. My girl Alisha was going with Marsha and Carina, and I decided to come and my dear roomie Andrea decided last minute as well.

We walked to a parking lot where we met some guys who showed us the way to the house the party was. It was pretty close to the campus. The people who lived in the house, for the most part, go to EMU.

There was jungle juice and and a keg of beer in the basement. We were offered whichever we wanted. I, being the person I am, asked if I could have water. And I did. I drank water the entire time I was there. It was fun playing Rummy with some of the guys and Alisha and Andrea, and also fun watching the game of beer pong. 

I saw some people I knew, and also some I didn't know.

There was one girl who was thin, and was easily drunk from what she had. She was just over friendly and smiling a lot. One of the guys that I met on the first day was there, and was having issues standing up, he was so drunk.

I got into an interesting discussion with two Chris's. The older Chris was trying to teach the younger Chris how to talk to girls. But the things that I heard from the older Chris's perspective were pretty accurate.

Boys are polite to girls even when they are drunk.

Except for the swearing. I always forget that when people are put in a completely different atmosphere than you first know them in, that they can be completely different. Thus, there was no problem for the girls that were with me to let it all out. 

With the guys drunk, it was just, "F--- this," and "F--- that!" 

But I am from Streetsboro, where people use that language sober. At least I think they're sober. 

Everyone freaked and ran out the back of the house around 11:45 because some cops stopped by. The girls bolted, and Andrea and I walked slowly away. Then we sat outside for five minutes or so. After that, we decided to walk back to campus. 

Finally, two of the guys from the party were back on campus, but still drunk and wanted to go back to the party, but wanted to be driven.

I volunteered to drive them. I drove the one guy's truck and then drove it back to campus. Even on the ride over, they were paranoid and goofy. Drunk.

I don't plan on drinking. I don't want to lose control of who I am around other people. It's important to me. I went to the party because it was a great social situation. Even though there was alcohol involved, I kept myself clear.

 

Thoughts on My Major as of now

Science is hard. You have to study even if you know parts of it, there is so much you don't know. It's intimidating. There's so much equipment and memorization.
I started my work study today. It's overwhelming. Half of that is probably because I am getting a cold. No, it's not H1N1, although that would be ironic.

Taking One for the Team

Today was my first Not-So-Good day. 

I'm not sure where it started going bad--Honors went really well.

Lunch was a good experience. 

Maybe it was that Biology lab. We did an experiment (ugh, and I still have to finish the lab part) and it involved holding our breath underwater in a container. Not my favorite thing to do. 

The other thing I don't like so far is the pre class exams that I have taken in Biology and Chemistry. They are to assess what needs to be taught to us, but they make me feel stupid, unprepared, and like a failure.

After this, I went back to the dorm, exhausted and spent time with Deanna, Monica, and Alisha, and we went to the Den for supper and that was fun. I had Michelle take my picture for my running for Senator. 

Then our hall prepared for the Variety show, and we went over early. I had to see if I made Chamber Singers. I didn't. It was like a tiny devil,  of "You really aren't that good" started kicking my shins.  He continued kicking my shins all the way through the variety show, so much that I didn't really enjoy it, and our skit had a major broken part. 

I felt like a failure who couldn't act or sing and so I walked back to the dorm, grabbed some piano music, and went down to the lounge in my dorm and played piano and cried.  It's not like the entire world walks through the lounge, but one of the guys on the mens' soccer team was walking through, and asked if I was okay.

I'm learning to be honest. I said No.

He offered to give me a hug and said his name was Tripp (I think.) That was very kind of him.

I was still recovering when a guy stepped in and asked if I was going to continue to play piano.

He said he'd go get a shirt and be back and come listen.

So I played some of my stuff, and some of Chopin's stuff and some of Schumann's stuff. It was a good combo. We got to talking. It turns out Martin plays on the basketball team. And he said he wanted to come listen to me play whenever I did. 

He was very honest, which was appreciated.

"So, you're smart, an amazing musician, you want to be a doctor, but you always date jerks. What's the catch?"

I truly have no idea. Anyone want to do an analysis? 

Second Day of Classes

I went to bed early last night. I needed to.

This morning, I had an audition for Chamber Singers. I felt like I did really well. 

There was Chapel today. I sat next to Kayla and we giggled our way through the service. There was a welcoming tunnel afterward. 

I wandering into the Commons in search of my sister, whom I did not find, but instead found the Petition form for being a SGA Senator. I spontaneously decided to do that. I went and got my notebook for my Chemistry class, walked to class, had class, and walked over to the cafeteria, and I got all the signatures that I needed. I met some new people in the process, and learned of some of the issues that I should address. I still need to write my platform, and Michelle from my hall, who is a photography major, and is going to take my picture for the photo that is needed. I'm rather excited. Note to readers: The people still have to vote. The petition just gets me on the ballot. But there has to be at least one freshman, of the thirteen Senators.

I had Biology. That was a sleepy class. The teacher should have handed out the syllabus at the beginning of class but waited way too long. We talked about the biological structure of the H1N1 virus though, and that was interesting.  

I had an hour break. I went back to the dorm and was going to nap, but Eva got locked out of her room, so I hung out with her for the hour. We had a good time just talking.

Then I went to Ethics. Bethany is in my class--she was the girl I stayed with when I visited for the Honors Program. The class is very diverse, different ages, cultures, relationship stati, thus, I feel like it's going to be majorly interesting. I was slightly unsure coming into the class, but I like it. It makes me happy.

I worked out with some girls on my floor--weight lifting. Then we had some hall practice for the variety show (meaning we had to figure out what we were doing.) 

I went to Common Grounds I tried the Groundsbreaker--it's  milkshake with coffee grounds in it. VERY good. We got there right before the line did. Then Grace and I walked back to the dorm and I walked and talked to my sweetie.

Then I read for Ruling Ideas, and Chemistry. Now it's time to tuck in. I'm waking up at seven, and do not need to be pooped for Honors. Again.

First Day of Classes.

I hate waking up after an inadequate night of sleep. But I did, and walked to the caf and put some milk in my water bottle and walked back to the dorm and made myself a smoothie.

Then at eight o'clock I had my first class. It was Ruling Ideas, the Honors Program required course. And somehow I felt like I was the most awake of all of them. But that may have been because they are introverts. I am not sure. We went around the room and introduced ourselves and finished the "If you really knew me..." My answer was that when I really laugh, I snort.

I went to the computer center afterward. Enjoyed the free printing and also typed my Transitions homework. Then I fixed Alisha's computer. (Meaning, I plugged it into the printer, and got the printer to work, and also got the papers to print.)

I was meaning to take a nap. Didn't happen. I played guitar instead. And Alisha, Deanna, and I got ourselves a pet fish for our floor. Then I went to lunch. Met more new people. Learned more new names. 

Went to Transitions. Still felt like the loudest person there. I answer every question, I feel like.

It was a good class. But I was antsy by the time it was over and went back to my dorm and got a Michelle to go walking with me. Then I took a shower.

Then I thought there was Chamber Singers, but it turned out that Auditions are first. So I signed up for an audition for tomorrow at 9:15. On my way back to the dorm, I saw people playing frisbee and decided to join them. They started an Ultimate game and I invited Alisha and whoever to come join me. My hair was still wet, but I played anyway. I was wearing jeans. 

It was a blast. I met more new people.

Then there was the BBQ. There were so many vegetarian options that I didn't have meat.

I talked to so many people. So many new people and it was great. I had a blast and laughed my face off.

Then we went to the mens soccer game. It was great fun. All the people I sat around and I talked and laughed and were goofy and no one wanted to come sit in the open space in the bleachers beside me. I even offered in Spanish. But Ben Bergey isn't a Spanish Major. And so he sat away from where we were. Then Mitch texted me on Deanna's phone and told me to heckle some of the other teams players. So I took number 21 that I liked his hair, that he should try cornrows next time, and that it looked better down. And also that I liked his yellow (which Evan informed me that they were gold) shoes.

I got a headache. And left early. They tied. Even after overtime.