Grateful Giver

It hit me hard yesterday.

The movie and music choices didn't help much either.

All the commercials for movies and it seems that every song in the entire world is about love. Missing love. Love being far away. Love happening. Getting married. It seems that our culture is consumed by this. It's an obsession.

"Why you do Obsessed with me? I just wanna know..." Even Mariah is feelin' it. But the fact is we take little situations and write overexaggerated songs about them.

It's not that I don't care about Love. It's just that my love and I don't have the average American relationship. Probably because he's going to Africa. I may get to talk to him once a week through Skype, but we aren't even sure about that. It takes a month for mail to be delivered to where he's going.

For me, it's this constant back and forth sway of emotions.

He needs to go. There's no other thing he can do. He's prepared for this. He's taken care of business at training. He's made a difference in Harrisburg, and now he'll go make a difference in Guinea Bissau.

I need him to go. I know that the spiritual growth that has happened in the past two months is part of what he needs to do. I know that this is what God's plan is for him.

But I don't want him to go. We've been apart for so long. It's so rough for me to go, day in and day out, and see the fortunate couples who get to spend time with those they love everyday. And I see them take that person for granted. I don't take him for granted. Every second he'll be here will be met with an equal amount of thankfulness that I'll be able to spend this second, this minute, this day with him, because there will be eight months of seconds, minutes, days, that I won't be able to see him.

I've been challenged by God to give of the things that matter to me. This is something that I need to be willing about. But I'm selfish. I'm bitter. I'm wishing and waiting, and seconds still tick by at the same speed as before.

What am I complaining about? I'm not his family. I'm not a member of the group of people that have known him his whole life. I'm the girlfriend. In love with him. And we haven't even spent that much time together, but we've made a point to communicate with each other, to give the other trust and love in ways no one else can receive from us. That's why I complain. And he hasn't left yet. I get to spend five WONDERFUL days with him before he drives back, before he leaves the country until we are both a year older, with the experiences and maturity that a nineteen-year-old normally gets when they go to DC or to Africa.

Can I handle it? No. With God's guidance. Yes, I can. Yes, I am.

That's the one thing that has struck me--that I will consistently be a mess around my friends every time one of them talks about their boyfriends, or listens to a love song, unless I hold tight to the One who will not let go.

This I learned this Sunday at church, and this Monday (today) as I listened to my mother's sermon.

From Pastor Ben's sermon,

* we are all built to be dissatisfied with what we have here on earth.

This I have learned to except in my human relationships. We all have faults. We make each other angry. We can't be together when we want to all the time.

*we put out trust in the things we can see. BUT THEY ALL FALL AWAY. Who do we trust? Who should we have trusted all along?

This is when I fall again and again. This statement makes me realize that I depend altogether too much upon the people around me to hold me up. I can do it.

*All is not lost, because God can fill us up. God :), who IS so wonderfully perfect that he didn't need to have humans. BUT GOD IS LOVE, and the purpose of humanity is to enjoy a relationship of love with our God. This is how we are satisfied.

*Turn your focus away from the things that destroy and look to God.

So I'm taking steps to make this about God. It was before, but in a more superficial sort of way.

Monday's sermon. "Grateful Giver"

Mom was talking about the feeding of the five thousand, and how he had the disciples participate in the miracle. We as humans participate in the miracle and then God does the rest.

Maybe I'm participating in the miracle and if I become the inhibitor, it won't be.

Zach, I love you. I love you as you go away from me. Go. Don't hesitate. I know you need to do it. I can and I will wait until you come back for what the future. holds. Don't let me hold you back.

Waves of (Now) Ineffective Intimidation

Stress. It's something inevitable, especially if the first word in your title is "college" and the second is "student." But with stress comes feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. It brings feelings of discouragement, and thoughts of "why am I really doing this?"

But for me stress brings a feeling of relaxation, that is, once it's over. Once I finish the big project, or the reading, or the exam, and I get a grade I am happy with. This is what I can deal with. I can relax and make sense of it all.

Some things that I am currently studying I did not find relevance in when I first started in the classes. Listed as a Biology major planning on a medical future, with sixty credits to push me through college a little faster than most, I vigorously took two science courses this semester, to total 17-18 credits for my semester.

I figured since I pushed myself in high school with college credits, that I could handle the load plus one or two more classes with flourish. But within the first week of classes, I was struck with a Pocohauntus song, to listen to my heart, and challenged by my own honors class to" learn what I love and love what I learn." At that point, I knew I wasn't loving what I was learning. And I made it through most of the semester without loving the classes.

But I found relevance. In my Honors class, we were required to complete a personal impact project, and I challenged myself with not throwing away trash for two weeks. What I did not expect was that it was going to affect me totally and completely.

All of a sudden, the environment mattered. I'm not even sure how on earth I got there. And when I went to DC for my interview, I was overwhelmed by the thought that being a pacifist was related to environmental studies and these things could be something that I would study in the future.

So Biology started to be relevant, despite the ugly "C" on my midterm, and the stubbornness, in which I refused to study or care, suddenly made me realize that it was relevant. It made a difference in the future options that I might pursue, as it could be a step toward an Environmental Stability endorsement with my (as of right now currently planning to have a) Liberal Arts Major.

And I'm writing a Lab Report for Biology, and it's not that I'm learning that I have a passion in the subject, but that there are things in the environment that people everywhere need to be aware of, and I think that it maybe something that I need to share with the world. Awareness that if we aren't careful, we could accidently transport an invasive species and disrupt the entire ecosystem. Not many Americans know that the government spends $27,000 per second on the military currently. Not many humans in general know that those with homosexual tendencies were born that way, they did not, in fact, chose to be that way.

I was working on my Chemistry Labs so that I can relax during Thanksgiving break, and I was suddenly realizing the relevance of the labs. We were testing the SPF of sunscreens in one, and the amount of caffeine in energy drinks in the other, to see if the labels were actually accurate. Although some of those answers were not clear, it's a statement in itself that we as humans tend to trust the labels that are on things that we consume.

If I go to the store and buy some tomato juice, I trust that it's going to actually be tomato juice, not blood. Or I trust that the Tylenol that I'm taking is only 200 milligrams, not 2000.

So the fact that we are testing it in class makes it more relevant, although, I'm still not sure where the knowledge of nuclear reactions is going to assist me in any environmental studies, although I suppose that if I have to deal with a large amount of nuclear damage, that eventually that would be beneficial.

The other class that I was certain would be easy and almost silly after the first week of classes was Ethics in the Way of Jesus. The professor's teaching method threw me and my friends through a loop and we spent attended class periods coloring pictures and occasionally participating, every time there was an option.

But the readings challenged me. They led to my Personal Impact Project. And living for God through how I live suddenly became physical and environmental. I realized that I wanted to be equal to people with less. So, this class has been the most influencial.

So I'm learned that stress can be overcome with motivation. And apathy can be overcome with relevance. :)

Ambitious Ambiguity

I just spent an epic twenty four hours in Washington D.C., attempting to decide my future internship. It was intense, as I had to work to choice between several different internships before I even came to D.C. to interview.

However, that statement itself is ambiguous. I had assistance picking out my internship. One just clicked with my personality. In fact, it was less of an internship and more of a mentorship, and much more laid back and calm than any internship interview would be.

The guy that I rode to Washington D.C. with, Andrew, had two interviews, both of them pretty intense. The idea with internship interviews in D.C. with WCSC is that an interviewee would do research on the company that they are going to work with. I'm pretty sure that he had to do that. And more.

The hardship of my internship shadowing experience was the metro at 6:00 am. And also the fact that I was navigating D.C. myself. This went well, and I arrived at the first school before classes started. The person I was shadowing was supposed to come and meet me, but he never did, so I waited until second period to meet him. Then after that I attended the first class on Peace Studies (for me) of the day. It was informing. The school was large, but well-behaved. Reminded me of Streetsboro. But the point is, that is one of the good schools in the D.C. area. And then when the class was finished, there was another metro ride. This one was much shorter and I arrived, walked in the wrong direction a couple times, and then figured out where I was going, and arrived at the second high school. This was the exact opposite of the first school. There was a metal detector at the entrance, and I was asked for my I.D. (which I didn't have. Yikes!). Colman (the teacher which I was in the process of shadowing) told the entrance guard that I was with him. Probably mentioned I was from a school that promoted peace, because she let me in without any worries. The sign said, "Please remove all metal from your person before walking through the metal detector." So I went to go unscrew my tongue stud, but the lady told me that it was fine. There was security in the hall, and students openly swearing like sailors, but it wasn't intimidating. I'm not sure exactly why it wasn't, because I feel like that would be something that would freak me out. But I wasn't.

This class discussion was different. The class period was twice as long. But the discussion in this class was way more in depth than the classes at the "better" high school. I felt like the students had a better relationship with Colman at this point. That was when "Outliers" kicked in, and I was reminded that it's not the level of class that designates the students' abilities of learning, it's their drive to learn. I was impressed by this.

After that class, I was to eat lunch at any place close by. I had seen Whole Foods on my way in, and decided that it was where I wanted to eat. It was the healthiest grocery store in the country (?) or something, and then I walked to the back of the store, and I saw the buffet--there were three or four different buffet tables and too many options. I got some chicken curry, some squash and some beans, and then I went up to the register to pay. But when I was there in line, I realized (as I had) earlier, that my wallet was still MIA, and I thought I had enough cash in my pocket, but I was poorly mistaken. There were two dollars in my pocket but that was it. I was freaking out, thinking (insanely) that I would have to eat out dumpsters my first day in D.C. because I couldn't pay for the food. But the cashier said, "We'd have to throw it away anyway, so you might as well take it." So I did get to eat, which was wonderful.

Then I took a shuttle to American University and waited for the upper level class that Colman taught to commence. It was a two and a half hour long class, though, and I was cold, tired, and developing a headache (from stress maybe?) and when it finally ended, we had to wait for the shuttle, and then for the metro. I met several nice people. It was like being a commuter to school again, and my late evening Spanish class at UA. I may have gotten a headache from meeting so many different new people. Then I got back to the WCSC house, and scared the heck out of one of the residents who I had not met the night before. (I followed her inside). Then Andrew and I left, and we both talked nearly the entire way back, because we were just full of information and probably excitement, and caffeine. McDonald's. We got back at nine o'clock ish. I completely missed the Chem lab I was going to go to. But for the most part, it was ok.

I say Ambitious Ambiguity because I feel like my trip to D.C. was a little over emphasized, and added a little extra stress to my world this past week. I didn't get to run, besides indoor soccer, and I was stress half the week trying to find a ride, and then Emily found me one (thank goodness). Then there was also the stress of my chemistry exam that I didn't do amazingly well on, so it was just a big pile of things adding up even more.

But this weekend was rejuvenating, which was amazing. I was very content with the rest that I received, the friendships that were built upon, and the conversations that were held. I hope this next week isn't as bad.

"So Grace, what is love?"

My friend Stacey and I went to Harrisburg last Saturday. We drove out Friday night and Lydia and her friend Hope, along with several YES staffers, a few neighbors, Stacey, myself, and also the girls we half-transported to home piled into Chris and Katie's wonderful home and watched the second half of Three Musketeers. We ate halloween candy and popcorn, and stayed up long after the movie ended, and the YES staff, the neighbors, and the half-transported girls went home.

We sang "Three Chartruese Buzzards" until twelve in the morning. The next day was filled with wondrous excitement, as we got to join the YES trainees for lunch, and then joined them for their work project later. It was an exhausted three thirty when we sadly left the work site and said our goodbyes. I was physically and mentally dead tired when we got back to Chris and Katie's. We ate the most scrumptious beef stew from a pumpkin!, as it was Halloween. Then Stacey and I had to leave. Homework was calling our names.

Every time I leave Harrisburg, I wonder why I'm leaving. I don't feel that way about any other place I have lived. It overwhelms me a little bit, because I have realized how much I love it there.

Stacey and I were talking about what we learned on the way back. Through the Honors Program, she was assigned to be my mentor, but it's been kinda vice versa--several times I have been the one to initiate activities... We went to Gift N Thrift together, to my grandparents for dinner, and then on this trip to Harrisburg. So it was funny, but serious, when I asked her, "What did you learn this weekend?"

The point of the trip was to explore the idea of doing the YES program , which was why I was slightly surprised by her answer. "I rediscovered why I'm going to school for education. I knew I wanted to do it, but I have been running away from the idea of finishing my education degree for awhile now. Those girls opened my eyes to the love of teaching again."

"What did you decide for YES then?" I knew, then, that she wouldn't be coming to YES with me next year.

"I definitely want to be a part of YES. I had a great time working with everybody this weekend. But I need to finish up my degree first. I have been running away from these circumstances surrounding me, and I figured out this weekend that 'for everything, there is a season.' I need to tough this season out so that I can be content in the next one."

I was encouraged by her willingness to push through this rougher season in her life. I have been there. I understand when it's like that, and I have to say that I would more likely to be the one running away from the situation. In some ways, I think I'm still running away from some situations. Broken friendships and relationships.

Then Stacey asked me, "What did you learn this weekend?"

I personally wasn't expecting this questions. I guess I'm too used to being the facilitator, rather than the learner. But either way, I did learn something.

"I learned that I can't wait to have kids. They are hysterical. I learned that I can't stand leaving Harrisburg every time I do. I knew this the first time I left, yet now I know that I belong there."

It's kind of like working at Camp. The staff are so close you can almost see the bonds between everyone, and it's only been two months in training. It's so tight and you grow so spiritually strong and grow in relationship with each other that there's this development between each person that is life-long strong. I know I will thrive in this type of situation. I'm motivated not to be the one on the outside anymore.

Somewhere along in the conversation, I was talking about Zach, who is also part of the training. I spoke about how it great it was to see him, how he was more cute than I remembered, and at the end, I mentioned something about the fact that I loved him, and Stacey followed up directly with, "Okay Grace, what is love?"

It was a good question. I said so. :)

"Love is when you can leave a visit and feel more beautiful than when you came. Love is undeserved compliments. Love is the trust two people have, knowing overall that they won't cheat. Love is challenging. Love is arguments and frowns, and sometimes bitter words. But love is also communication, smiles-- it's sweeter than candy. Love is knowing you really want to say something but not saying it because words can't really express. Love is saying the very words you feel, whether good or bad. Love is a homemade meal. You know it's love when it makes you better."

And for me, it's made me better.

I don't know the road ahead, but I know that today, now, I'm different than I was before I started dating Zach, and I'm glad for that.