Music

Have you ever gotten so angry that you could break something, that you could scream until all your breath was gone, and so loud that you hoped that everyone could hear? Have you ever been so sad that you couldn't describe it anymore, that nothing could paint a picture of how you felt, and no one could understand? Have you ever felt so in love that "I love you" just didn't say it quite like you wanted to anymore, that you just wanted to say it better, say it "more" than you ever did before? Life is about love, life is about life, and for me, life is about music. Music is the way that I express when I can't speak it anymore, when my words can't formulate the answer that i desire to say. The way I combine my fingers moving and the air exiting my lungs with vigor, shaping my lips into words fills the synapse of emptiness that I feel when I only say how I feel. When I speak, words can become jumbled, meanings discombobulated, and mispronounced words misconceived. This doesn't happen all the time, but it can, especially when emotions are strong. This is why I write music. I write music so that I can express how I feel, not just through the meanings of the words, but also through the tones of the notes, the chord progressions, minor or major, and how I crescendo and diminuendo.

"Normal"

This was a very interesting paper that I put together for my Abnormal Psychology class. :)

I define “normal” as someone, something, or somewhere that fits into the norms of the society that said someone, something, or somewhere is located. “Normal” can take both positive and negative attributes, because it carries the majority perspective of the dominant culture. In this way, sometimes it’s good to be counter-cultural, or “abnormal”, and be environmentally sustainable. However, in other ways, it is appropriate to be “normal.” Respecting elders, listening when in class are some positive “normal” behaviors that I feel are appropriate to follow through with. In addition, I think that expressing emotion, whether in public or in private, should be a “normal” action and not be considered inappropriate. This is looking at “abnormal” in more of a counter-cultural context, not in terms of behaviors in the psychological context.

            “Abnormal” is often used as a definition when something is out of the ordinary, but no other word can quite describe it. I say “abnormal” when there is murder, but no motive. When there are voices heard, but silence, and when there are characters created, but only in the cognitive fantasy. “Abnormal” is when levels of hormones go too far, and go from creating pleasure to monstrosity, or when blood sugar levels get so low, someone goes from being hungry and weak, to psychopathic. An abnormal behavior is when a rational “question” is met with an irrational response, and no repentance. In this definition, no repentance means, where some people would follow an irrational response with a recognition of their own irrationality, others will forget, or not recall their recognition. This is shown through saying a simple, “just kidding”. An example of “Abnormal behavior” is when artists buy paint instead of food, and chop off parts of their ears to express love.

            I have never been diagnosed with a maladaptive behavior, but I have known people who have. I have relatives who have suffered from depression, and I have an uncle with schizophrenic tendencies and also Parkinson’s. I have lived with my sister who suffered from depression for several years, and I know that symptoms of depression because I have experienced several myself. Knowing that I am genetically disposed for many psychological disorders makes me more aware that there are possibilities for me to suffer from them myself. However, because of this awareness, I find myself even more stubborn to get myself out of any depressing holes that I dig myself into.

            Through my personal experience, I realize that psychological disorders happen to everyone. They exist in every family, though some are more covered up than in the open. I have learned through my experience that the best way to address these disorders is to talk about them, and if one shows tendencies and symptoms, perhaps diagnosis, then, if continuous monitoring requires, medication. People having psychological disorders in secret compounds them into monsters of destruction to the beautiful mind that we are all created with.

            Abnormal behaviors are sticky to define, let alone diagnose. I can think what I want, but in the truth of it is that I use other people as my resources, and it’s a team effort to come to the present conclusions that I create in my mind. I glean for second opinions, and don’t resort to defining people’s oddities to be some life changing disorder. I hope this semester is a learning experience for me, increasing in knowledge and understanding of what maladaptive behaviors are.

Song: "Stand."

God over my fears
Take my hand
Lead me through
This death land
God over my distractions
My misconceptions
Make me dance without burdens
Be my light
In this dark night
Calm my trembling lips
Give me the strength to speak
And take the steps you call me to
On this path made by You

Here I am
Will me to stand
And raise my hands and scream
"HOLY IS YOUR NAME
OVER ALL THE EARTH
YOU MADE!"
You are here
Your mercy is clear
You want to love me
I was broken,
But now I can learn to stand.

Caretaker of my heart
Mold me now
So that I can feel your timing
Busy minds
Distract this temple
Worship becomes obligated
Spark the light
Catch me afire
Burn for all to see
That you are God
You Are God

Spirit of my soul
Breathe in me
Make my empty spaces
Into holy places
Let your wind surround me
Even when my heart is pounding
Lead me to your grace
Taste peace when you say,
"Here you will have troubles,
But take heart!
I have overcome the world!"
YOU ARE GOD!

I'm living above the cafeteria!

So I am now living on campus again.
This is exciting: I can safely say that I won't be unintentionally breaking any EMU rules by spending too many nights in a row on campus, or having to beg people to pay for me to eat in the caf. This feels great, because there is ownership in that.
I actually got to eat breakfast in the caf, and I don't remember the last time I did that. I don't even think I did that very much when I lived in Elmwood, but there seems like no point to not walk down the four flights of stairs to get to the caf when it's right there, and I don't even have to walk outside.
My room is officially starting to feel like home. There is a collage wall right above my bed, which I hope to add to as much as possible.
I paid my balance at the business office this morning, after a chilly walk to the bank to extract all my funds from my checking account. Then someone who knew my family when we went to Lindale (which was in 1996 and 1997, btw) picked me up halfway home and gave me a ride to the Commons. That was cool. I love having Mennonite connections.
When I paid my balance, I felt so blessed. I had enough money, and now I'm all set for this semester. I sent some books for some money and that didn't cost me anything. That was nice.
Now I'm in Common Grounds, spending some time with Katherine, and Mila too, later. It feels weird, because I feel like I should be doing something. I need to be okay with just being. Now that I'm going to be  on campus, there's going to be more "be" time, and I will need to find the places that I feel the most comfortable to do that. There is a wondrous prayer room with a piano in Northlawn, directly below my suite a couple floors. I'm looking forward to having lots and lots of piano time in there.
I'm on a knitting hoodie high right now, and I want to make lots and lots of hoodies for everyone!!!

We love long hair! Why?

Or we love hair that's layered, to our shoulders, the declaration of normal for American teenagers.
High schoolers, college girls, the average is long. Layers. Wear it straight, wear it scrunched, curl it!, braid it.
The latter is the reason I keep my hair long. Otherwise, if I don't have knitting, I get bored and unbearable.
More recently, Marie and I have been thinking about taking the plunge together, to go for a shorter pixieish cut. The more I think about it, the more I can't wait.
I like my curls, they are wavy and fun, but I am starting to get sick of tangles and the flyaways.
It's like a cleansing for your scalp, a weight lifted off your shoulders.
I was going to do dreads. And then shave my head.
I could still do that.
Once spring comes around, and Marie is done with Prom, it's gone.
I'm going to hold true to that promise I made to my hair dresser, that one that began, "one of these days, you are going to get to go crazy with my hair"
Patience is a virtue.
I sometimes love long hair.

I'm knitting a hoodie.

It's true.
I really wasn't going to blog about anything. I just woke up, and I was trying to add someone to follow--all my friends are going on their cross culturals (or are already gone, and most of them are blogging or emailing), and somehow I ended up clicking on the "New Post" button twice. So I decided to post.
I am knitting a hoodie, as the title states and as the first line of the post clarifies.
It looks like Joesph's TECHNICOLOR Dream Coat.
I'm serious. I couldn't be more happy about it.
Considering I have no money for yarn and this is basically all I got (give or take a few skeins) for Christmas in the yarn department, it might be a little while until I get to make another one.
I still have to replace the light on the back of my car and maybe the one on the front too (something happened finals week. There was snow on the ground. That's my excuse)
But anyway. I was going to make this hoodie for Marie. Because we have been talking about it for a little while. But I'm thinking of keeping it for a little while. It is my colors, after all. And it's amazing.
Did I tell you that I fell in love with my hoodie that I'm knitting?
Among other things,
I miss Bekah, Meg, Jamila, Ben, Mike, Andrew, Joanna, Samuel, Abi, Lizzie, Graceanne and so many more people from Kansas, from school, that I don't see very much of. Or when I'm at school, I see them all the time.
But to those of you who are going on cross cultural: Don't think about those of us in America too much, it will take away from the awesomeness of being an alien! Immerse yourself in the language and culture. Relish in your mistakes, learn from your experiences. Take pictures of grand sunsets, deep valleys, high waterfalls. Make friends! Not just with your fellow EMU students, but with those who are native to the country. Be as social as you are at EMU--that's the only way you can learn the language.
Lots of love, mittens, glittens, socks, hats, scarves, and now hoodies,
Grace