Early Friday morning I got a sore throat. A bad sore throat. One that made swallowing an unfortunate situation that I would avoid like the plague (haha, irony) and would cause me to have a mouth full of spit when I did, and I would wince every time.
I knew it was worse than the sore throat I get before a cold because it was. And it was weird. Only on one side, and I could feel it hurting in my ear, which was bizarre. Typical response for me at this point is to get going on my natural remedies to see if I can make a dent on the fever.
Epsom salt baths: check
garlic and honey: check
vitamin C: check
hot tea: check
gargle with salt water and apple cider vinegar: check
make disgusting combination of cayenne pepper, garlic, and honey, chased with milk kefir (which, also, I hate): check
rinse repeat.
Friday afternoon I recognise that the body temp has gone up and the sore throat has stayed the same and I have almost no appetite. I stand on a stool in front of the bathroom mirror. I point a flashlight into my mouth and flatten my tongue with a table knife (we have no popsicle sticks in the house.) At first I do not see anything, but, when my tonsil peeks out from the left side I see white spots. Crap.
I google white spots. I must know if they are exclusive to strep. I call my mother and discuss my options. Ben does not work the next few days so I have flexibility on getting a doctor's appointment or urgent care. I call the doctor on my insuranee card and find out they aren't accepting new patients on my insurance anymore.
Ben gets home from work and I stubbornly choose to wait until Saturday, thinking the pain will subside. I wince through dinner. We had chicken and broth. The broth tasted great but did not swallow well. I was still a little hungry but did not want to swallow anymore.
When I went to bed I took a Ricola and sucked on it until i realized I would have to swallow much more often than without so I took it out and attempted to sleep. Sleep was on and off, and it was clear to me that I should have allowed myself the time to go to the Patient first that night rather than in the morning.
Saturday morning rolls around... at 5am. I can't sleep because of my pain so I attempt all my remedies again. Epsom salt bath to work the fever along, gargles to help the tonsils, vitamin C in a fultile attempt, forcing the garlic down. I finally get back to bed at 6:40 and my precious children let me sleep until 7:50am. What a gift. Then the morning sucks because it hurts to swallow my spit and my tonsils have swelled so I can hear it in my voice and I know that a visit to urgent care is necessary.
I watch the Tonight show.
When it is 9am I get Ben up and then I leave for Lancaster. On my way i see a "papal event traffic, expect regional delays" sign and giggle to myself, thinking that the pope is still in NYC and they think he's going to cause traffic in Lancaster County. (I later learn that he's in Philly for the end of his US visit.)
I find the urgent care without any trouble and sign in and am immediately called back. I feel good about myself when I step on the scale and the nurse assumes I weigh under 200 pounds... which I don't, especially with breakfast and liquids in my belly and shoes and jeans on. I see later on my stat sheet that I am five seven (haha!), and then I remembered I was wearing my shoes. The nurse does a quick throat swab and then the longest part of waiting for the day begins. And I hear the casual conversation between the employees there: Some new person is still learning how to correctly stock the drawers, the prescription printer is not working so the pharmacist has to hand write the prescriptions.
I wait for awhile, I read all the brochures in the "room", I half watch some of the employees and spot the doctor right away (he looks exactly the same as his picture on the website). I wonder if any of them know what the pope is doing. I text my mother, Ben, and a lady from my moms group who just ran a half marathon. I get lots of text from my mother in law, as they are coming for Naisa's third birthday on Monday. I hope the kids don't get sick.
Then the doctor comes in, Dr. Weinstein. He asks me what I do when I'm not fighting sore throats, and I tell him of the heroic work I do. (hahaha) He checks my throat and and says, "well you've cured the white spots, but I'm going to let the cat out of the bag--you have strep." So he prescribes the Amoxicillin, and after asking if it's severe pain swallowing, also prescribes some lidocaine that I can gargle with to numb my throat. (Winner winner chicken dinner!!)
As I drive home, I have a discussion with myself about what I want to do. I didn't like the ingredients in the throat squirt (saccharin and artificial cherry flavor, and parabens as preservatives) so I decide that I'm only going to use it if I can't sleep. And I resign to taking the antibiotics.
After a couple more painful swallows, I test out the "gargle". First time, I numb my lips, second time I numb my tongue. Third time, I put it in a spray bottle with water and successfully dull the pain in my throat. And after that time, I start feeling better, so I no longer need to use it.
Anyone who viewed my internet history would know that (besides the current presidential candidates), I spend a lot of time learning what natural remedies I can use to help myself and my children through illnesses. But I always knew that strep was one of those that I can't completely justify "fighting" it off. Viral illnesses, I have no problem with. Bacterial illnesses are much more difficult, especially those that the end product goes to infect your kidneys and organ systems, scarlett fever, and in a few individuals, damaging your heart. And knowing my track record or maintaining a sterile environment in our home (ah no), I did not want to infect my children and have to get them antibiotics as well.
So here's to a healthy throat, then I'll worry about getting a healthy gut again. I have lots of probiotic foods to consume with jest in the next couple weeks (beet kvass, milk kefir, sauerkraut, yogurt).
I'm glad to not have glass stabbing my throat any more.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Yonah's sayings (!!)
As a fifteen month old, I didn't expect him to be so communicating. But during the day, I hear lots of phrases:
I want that ( ioo wan dah)
What's that? (wah da?)
Where is it? (where da?)
Bye Daddy (With a wave) (bye da)
toothbrush (too bra)
door (doo)
window (we do)
up (he's got this one down)
I want some (ah wan some) He brought me an empty bunny graham package and said this to me)
yeah
cup (dup)
bubba
dada
dogga
nurse (durse)
Boppa :D
and he kinda says grandma and grandpa, although I've never referred to my parents or Ben's parents as that.
He does lots of pointing and there's lots of nonsense language as well.
We always know when he likes something: he inhales (loudly) and then says something like "googy googy googy googy"
Of course everything is hard to understand.
He's getting to be such a big boy!
I want that ( ioo wan dah)
What's that? (wah da?)
Where is it? (where da?)
Bye Daddy (With a wave) (bye da)
toothbrush (too bra)
door (doo)
window (we do)
up (he's got this one down)
I want some (ah wan some) He brought me an empty bunny graham package and said this to me)
yeah
cup (dup)
bubba
dada
dogga
nurse (durse)
Boppa :D
and he kinda says grandma and grandpa, although I've never referred to my parents or Ben's parents as that.
He does lots of pointing and there's lots of nonsense language as well.
We always know when he likes something: he inhales (loudly) and then says something like "googy googy googy googy"
Of course everything is hard to understand.
He's getting to be such a big boy!
Saturday, September 19, 2015
The path from complacency to rightness with God
Once in a while, I go through a season that has periods where I seek out things that do not satisfy.
My personal issue was using facebook, specifically, reading through the newsfeed forever, instead of doing other necessary important things.
I knew I was doing it. I knew I needed to change. Yet I was comfortable with where I was. Yet I was unsatisfied. A day would end with feelings of "that was a waste of time" "I need a better way to spend my time" and "I'll try to find it tomorrow."
And I knew that spending time with God was the way to feel satisfied and peaceful about my day, rather than anxious and like I wasted my time doing meaningless things.
But spending time with God, reading his word, and seeking to do his will is humbling. And it takes time, and discipline, most of all discipline, to keep the effort coming.
And the most often issue was that I forgot to do it the next morning. And when I remembered, I was too lazy to do it. And I didn't want to be humbled by my human-ness, and my need for God.
And the dialogue of me vs me goes:
But I need it!
I need it
I need it
And then I would ignore those needs, say to myself, I'll find something interesting to read soon, and would continue the complacent cycle.
Days when I spent my time doing this, I felt antsy. (I also feel antsy for other reasons, needing to get outside, needing to be in a different environment, etc, because that's what happens when you stay at home with your babies) I always would feel the boredom and feel like there was nothing to fill it.
One might call that apathy. I felt apathy to finding the solution to my need, though intellectually, I knew I needed to fill my spiritual voids.
what is there to do? What can i do to occupy my boredom. I'm so bored i'm so bored
But God I don't want to be humbled.
I don't want to take the time.
Something else is more important.
I'm going to go find it!
And on and on the cycle went. I knew what I needed to do, but I wouldn't do it.
Nothing else occupied my heart like you do Lord, but I'm certain i'll find something else.
But no movie.
No article
No news on a newsfeed is going to fill what you can fill, Lord.
But I don't want to give it up. I want to keep doing what I'm doing, certain it's going to satisfy this deepening hunger inside my soul for fulfillment.
But it won't. Not the conversation with a friend or family.
Not any person. Not any relationship (not even my husband), nor my children, can fill the need that I have in my heart for the Lord.
At the end of the complacent day my mouth is dry and parched from "eating" too much "carby junk".
I needed real food, pure milk. Deep satisfying spiritual fats and hardy high quality proteins to fill my stomach and heart with.
I needed to satisfy my craving with what my carving was: God.
I NEED YOUR WORD. I NEED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.
I knew I needed it and I gave in to my need and sought the Lord, and I feel so much more whole.
My personal issue was using facebook, specifically, reading through the newsfeed forever, instead of doing other necessary important things.
I knew I was doing it. I knew I needed to change. Yet I was comfortable with where I was. Yet I was unsatisfied. A day would end with feelings of "that was a waste of time" "I need a better way to spend my time" and "I'll try to find it tomorrow."
And I knew that spending time with God was the way to feel satisfied and peaceful about my day, rather than anxious and like I wasted my time doing meaningless things.
But spending time with God, reading his word, and seeking to do his will is humbling. And it takes time, and discipline, most of all discipline, to keep the effort coming.
And the most often issue was that I forgot to do it the next morning. And when I remembered, I was too lazy to do it. And I didn't want to be humbled by my human-ness, and my need for God.
And the dialogue of me vs me goes:
But I need it!
I need it
I need it
And then I would ignore those needs, say to myself, I'll find something interesting to read soon, and would continue the complacent cycle.
Days when I spent my time doing this, I felt antsy. (I also feel antsy for other reasons, needing to get outside, needing to be in a different environment, etc, because that's what happens when you stay at home with your babies) I always would feel the boredom and feel like there was nothing to fill it.
One might call that apathy. I felt apathy to finding the solution to my need, though intellectually, I knew I needed to fill my spiritual voids.
what is there to do? What can i do to occupy my boredom. I'm so bored i'm so bored
But God I don't want to be humbled.
I don't want to take the time.
Something else is more important.
I'm going to go find it!
And on and on the cycle went. I knew what I needed to do, but I wouldn't do it.
Nothing else occupied my heart like you do Lord, but I'm certain i'll find something else.
But no movie.
No article
No news on a newsfeed is going to fill what you can fill, Lord.
But I don't want to give it up. I want to keep doing what I'm doing, certain it's going to satisfy this deepening hunger inside my soul for fulfillment.
But it won't. Not the conversation with a friend or family.
Not any person. Not any relationship (not even my husband), nor my children, can fill the need that I have in my heart for the Lord.
At the end of the complacent day my mouth is dry and parched from "eating" too much "carby junk".
I needed real food, pure milk. Deep satisfying spiritual fats and hardy high quality proteins to fill my stomach and heart with.
I needed to satisfy my craving with what my carving was: God.
I NEED YOUR WORD. I NEED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.
I knew I needed it and I gave in to my need and sought the Lord, and I feel so much more whole.
Friday, September 18, 2015
thoughts of thoughts
I often find myself sitting at the computer wondering what to do... since Facebook is not an option at the moment.
and I often hear a whiney voice behind me demanding things. Or someone screaming in the other room for committing offenses.
I am not spending a small amount of curiosity on 9-11, and reading a bit about it. I personally don't remember much other than the basics. four planes, four destinations. I never watched the footage for a long period of time. A lot of people have come up with questions about eh events because there are so many questions not answered, either because it was a classified issue or just because we simply do not know, due to the mysterious nature created prior to smartphone videos of everything.
I recently raided a pile of Naisa's treasures including her "mail"--junk mail that was given to her as a toy, and three empty packets that once contained our vitamin powder (which was then poured into water), which she calls her "apple ciders" and sometimes "apple cider vinegar". So she's a little upset with me.
Ahh the battles of communication when there are not words yet in the vocabulary for it.
Recently both of the kids' water cups went into hiding. I found Naisa's, the pink one, in our bedroom, under our bed... obviously a drop off point for Yonah. But we still have yet to find his... probably hidden in a cabinet I don't normally open.
At least it only has water in it.
and I often hear a whiney voice behind me demanding things. Or someone screaming in the other room for committing offenses.
I am not spending a small amount of curiosity on 9-11, and reading a bit about it. I personally don't remember much other than the basics. four planes, four destinations. I never watched the footage for a long period of time. A lot of people have come up with questions about eh events because there are so many questions not answered, either because it was a classified issue or just because we simply do not know, due to the mysterious nature created prior to smartphone videos of everything.
I recently raided a pile of Naisa's treasures including her "mail"--junk mail that was given to her as a toy, and three empty packets that once contained our vitamin powder (which was then poured into water), which she calls her "apple ciders" and sometimes "apple cider vinegar". So she's a little upset with me.
Ahh the battles of communication when there are not words yet in the vocabulary for it.
Recently both of the kids' water cups went into hiding. I found Naisa's, the pink one, in our bedroom, under our bed... obviously a drop off point for Yonah. But we still have yet to find his... probably hidden in a cabinet I don't normally open.
At least it only has water in it.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
The hard mornings
Man, I get tired of Naisa not listening, screaming and crying and kicking the floor and
I am sick of it.
She is in her room now, mad that I put her in there to take a nape, because, dangit!, she needs it.
What a big turd.
I'm going to listen to a sermon now. and try to get a little more patience with everyone.
I am sick of it.
She is in her room now, mad that I put her in there to take a nape, because, dangit!, she needs it.
What a big turd.
I'm going to listen to a sermon now. and try to get a little more patience with everyone.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Oh The social worker in me is mixing with the mommy in me
I get updates about the Planned Parenthood videos that keep surfacing. It's a conservative voice, and I don't mind that. I watched the first few, but they started getting too gory, too close to home (being a mommy), and knowing that they were real real, it was too much for me, so I have applied censorship for sanity and refuse to watch anymore.
This update also held two video clips for women speaking to congress about abortion. They were survivors of abortion. These stories are horrific and heroic and heartbreaking and God-over-all-in-control situations.
It is amazing that people have such a drive to live even before we can remember it.
The thoughts that I have about this are many. I want to help. I want to take in the hurting person, show them a different way. I want to show them the joys of the swelling baby, ripe with child and then when they labor, be a wall they can lean on and gain strength from.
Then, if they still don't want to cherish that child in their own home, I want to adopt it, and take it into my home and be its mommy.
Don't be so desperate that you think that death will end the 'inconvenience' that you have begot!
Your heart will go on.
You will always remember.
And what about when the unwanted child stays in foster care or in an unwanted home for too long and become annoying and unruly?
I will pray for them. And I will love them. I will try to be patient with them. Nothing like genuine love for the child who is unwanted.
Nothing like it.
Let's show love.
This update also held two video clips for women speaking to congress about abortion. They were survivors of abortion. These stories are horrific and heroic and heartbreaking and God-over-all-in-control situations.
It is amazing that people have such a drive to live even before we can remember it.
The thoughts that I have about this are many. I want to help. I want to take in the hurting person, show them a different way. I want to show them the joys of the swelling baby, ripe with child and then when they labor, be a wall they can lean on and gain strength from.
Then, if they still don't want to cherish that child in their own home, I want to adopt it, and take it into my home and be its mommy.
Don't be so desperate that you think that death will end the 'inconvenience' that you have begot!
Your heart will go on.
You will always remember.
And what about when the unwanted child stays in foster care or in an unwanted home for too long and become annoying and unruly?
I will pray for them. And I will love them. I will try to be patient with them. Nothing like genuine love for the child who is unwanted.
Nothing like it.
Let's show love.
Naisa's sayings
I'm sitting with Naisa, snuggling on the couch shortly after she wakes up, around 6:30am
She has a stuffy nose, because we all had/have colds his week.
"Can you hear my booger? My booger's in there making a lot of noise."
apparently her breathing is louder inside her head than usual!
Monday, September 14, 2015
The Memories the Crisp Air of Fall Brings to me
from my freshman year in high school: love for the blend of sweet ice cream music made in my heart, learning to know new people in marching band, falling in love very uncarefully.
from my sophomore year of high school, love of soccer, feelings of desperation, unsettledness, unhappiness with where I was and where I thought i should be.
from my junior year joy, energy and motivation to try new things and to show myself I could do new things, flirtatiousness
from my senior year: love of music helping me process my life, dribbling soccer balls to deal with tension in my mind, soccer friends and the expectations I created for myself to do well, period. hoping for one thing, needing another, the complicated natures of being a friend of someone no longer a boy friend.
from my freshman year of college, exctiement of what could be, all the potential I could see in me, the monotony of how some classes turned out. Friendships of iron created.
from my second year of college: more expectation of excellence, more friendships of iron. More hope for holding relationships together. Them falling apart, and holding onto the friendships of iron.
from my last year of college: love formed on my ring finger, working through engagement drama, beautiful smiles and kind eyes in the girls I lived with, running whenever I felt like it.
from 2012: wide pregnant belly, the backyard of Evelyn's apartment, cool crisp air as I walked to EMU to see Bridgett, Madelyn, Melody, Meg, Bekah, Jamila. The people whose names I did not know coming up to me and asking about the baby in my belly. Feeling more distance from my friends. A baby being born in the water. Struggles and pain with feeding. Feelings of frustration, anger, depression with bottles, pumps, and social work degrees.
from 2013: feeling the first twinges of morning sickness for a new babe in my womb, watching Lily with Naisa, frequent trips to Food Lion, infrequent trips to EMU.
from 2014: being in Fredericksburg, VA. Staying in a bed n breakfast. Watching the entire series of 7th heaven. Not feeling connected to anyone. The day wrapped around the joy of seeing my husband come home from work. Struggling with transition
now: I have feelings of freedom. I have a nursing toddler. We have conquered that battle. We have a home with people we know and I have friends who care deeply for me and my family. I have mom friends in the same and different places on their journeys. I have a garden. I go outside. I feel the crisp cool breeze and feel content. I crave the pure spiritual milk of Scripture. I no longer have the unsettled stirrings of incertainty, of darkness looming in every picture, I accept my position and role because it now requires more than just feeding. I am building relationships with my children. I keep adding bricks to the house I'm building with Ben. I have space. I have messes that aren't the end of the world. I am putting food away for the winter. I feel the dirt of the earth in my hands, I have felt the life of animals close to me, treasuring their gentleness. The worst of my battles are fading, and I am thoroughly enjoying my windows of eyes open.
oh yeah
Saturday, September 12, 2015
September colds and Mom visits us
Well, Naisa caught something on Sunday at church and on Wednesday after Mom's group she got a shot nose and a fever. Then Thursday night, Yonah got a snotty nose and had a bad night sleep. I felt off yesterday and tired (because of the bad night of sleep and now today feel totally zonked (I don't know if anyone will know the meaning of that word in fifty years). I have a slight sore throat, and a slight stuffy nose, but mostly "stuffy brain" aka sinus stuff. and my energy went whoosh after my third visit to the little lady's room (which I think is caused more by the excess consumption of Vitamin C than anything else.)
Mom was here Wednesday through Friday morning and we made salsa and sauced some apples, and went to Shelah's garden. We got tomatoes, peppers, onions, chard, and a big bowl for making the salsa and the juicer! The juicer is fun! and easy to wash, so I love it.
We made 19 quarts of salsa, that will really help with covering our salsa costs for the year! And I have been making applesauce a couple times a week. I go out to the dwarf yellow delicious apple tree that is on the property we live on, and go pick half a bushel and fill my 5.5 gallon stock pot with halved (and de wormed) apples and cook it until they are soft. Then we get almost 8 quarts of apple sauce. I've been freezing it because that's where we have the most storage and it saves the most time. So now we have several gallons of applesauce.
We are almost out of the berries I picked in June and early July. I have one more gallon bag. The kids love them, and so does Ben so it makes sense they are almost gone.
The weather here has cooled down significantly, and it makes me think (fondly) of when I was pregnant with Naisa (the last month of pregnancy) and when she was first here. I have also had some interesting memories that weren't so pleasant: When it was raining outside and mom was here and we made popcorn I had a memory of watching seventh heaven in fredericksburg last year. And later that day when Ben and I were riding in the car and it was raining and the heat was on in the car and I was wearing my knitted hoodie (the feeling on my skin), between all of those things it reminded me of the two day drive we had to do from Fredericksburg, VA to Nashville, TN, and how I had to drive with four month old baby Yonah by myself for a the long drive. I had to stop to nurse him several times and he had gas for a last portion of the drive on the first night and just screamed for like a half an hour in the car and because I was so exhausted I just cried with him. I needed a break. It was hard. So it wasn't a happy memory to be reminded of.
Please pray for grace for the neighbor boy that no one has enough patience for. And that everyone starts feeling better.
Mom was here Wednesday through Friday morning and we made salsa and sauced some apples, and went to Shelah's garden. We got tomatoes, peppers, onions, chard, and a big bowl for making the salsa and the juicer! The juicer is fun! and easy to wash, so I love it.
We made 19 quarts of salsa, that will really help with covering our salsa costs for the year! And I have been making applesauce a couple times a week. I go out to the dwarf yellow delicious apple tree that is on the property we live on, and go pick half a bushel and fill my 5.5 gallon stock pot with halved (and de wormed) apples and cook it until they are soft. Then we get almost 8 quarts of apple sauce. I've been freezing it because that's where we have the most storage and it saves the most time. So now we have several gallons of applesauce.
We are almost out of the berries I picked in June and early July. I have one more gallon bag. The kids love them, and so does Ben so it makes sense they are almost gone.
The weather here has cooled down significantly, and it makes me think (fondly) of when I was pregnant with Naisa (the last month of pregnancy) and when she was first here. I have also had some interesting memories that weren't so pleasant: When it was raining outside and mom was here and we made popcorn I had a memory of watching seventh heaven in fredericksburg last year. And later that day when Ben and I were riding in the car and it was raining and the heat was on in the car and I was wearing my knitted hoodie (the feeling on my skin), between all of those things it reminded me of the two day drive we had to do from Fredericksburg, VA to Nashville, TN, and how I had to drive with four month old baby Yonah by myself for a the long drive. I had to stop to nurse him several times and he had gas for a last portion of the drive on the first night and just screamed for like a half an hour in the car and because I was so exhausted I just cried with him. I needed a break. It was hard. So it wasn't a happy memory to be reminded of.
Please pray for grace for the neighbor boy that no one has enough patience for. And that everyone starts feeling better.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Finding new ways to absorb God's word
My relationship with God had become a little bit like doing the same exercise routine for too long.. it was not as effective as it once was. I had hit a plateau, and I wanted to get out of it, but my life path had changed so much that I could hardly even do the minimum (in my mind) to maintain. I had one baby, and then I was pregnant again and watching my own and another toddler, and then I had another newborn and we moved three times in four months. Then I found myself in a new apartment in Lancaster County, and a mom's group found me and took me in. We did a study of James, with Beth Moore teaching, and I challenged myself to get back into a devotion routine.
I did the homework, I read James, I wrote James, and I memorized James. I wrote it over and over, and repeated it over and over and it became like the back of my hand. (Now it is more like the back of my head (which I do not know as well), but that is what happens). But it is still in there and I know how it goes. I know it better than I've known any other book of the Bible. It is Holy Spirit empowering to memorize God's word.
I've read the Bible all my life. When I was in seventh grade, I read through the whole Bible in a year. I remember waking up at 6am and sitting in front of the heater vent in our living room after I turned the heat up to 65 (yes, you read that right.), and reading each morning.
As I went through high school I continued to read and do devotions and journal and pray some. Camp was a place where I really craved God's word and developed better understanding of God's love for me. In college, I continued to read and devour and consume God's word, but after I became pregnant with Naisa and she was born, it was much harder to get back into the word of God. I wasn't motivated. I wasn't focused. Even if I did read, it was just going through the motions, I wasn't absorbing anything. I knew I needed it, so I would keep trying, but there were long breaks in between, sometimes.
When we did the James study, I realized that writing the Scripture took it slower through my mind, and I listened and savored and absorbed more. I heard the sentences in my mind and understood their meaning. Having a teacher also increased the interest and having a group doing it with me increased the accountability.
So here I am in September, a couple months out from the James study, and I have decided that the best way for me to "get" God's word is to write it. Not necessarily memorize the whole book but maybe one chapter at a time. So right now I have started working through the books that Peter wrote. I am writing one chapter a day (and working on my handwriting. haha!) and I am listening through a series of exegetical sermons on First and Second Peter by Skip Heitzig. He does a significant job of researching and portraying the information in a way that makes it understandable, as well as entertaining, and it holds my attention. I find this kind of teaching helpful especially with certain verses in the Bible that no woman "likes" to read. "the weaker partner", "be submissive to your husbands". I have greater understanding of how my own relationship with my husband becomes easier and more loving when I submit my own authority to God and entrust my will to Him.
I want to encourage you, if you are reading this, to take on a discipline to write a book of the Bible. Pick a short one, maybe one that you don't like!, and write it, slowly, just a chapter a day, and find a good quality teacher who does an exegetical teaching of the book (like Skip Heitzig) and follow along with them for a little while. Even if you don't agree.
Blessings
I did the homework, I read James, I wrote James, and I memorized James. I wrote it over and over, and repeated it over and over and it became like the back of my hand. (Now it is more like the back of my head (which I do not know as well), but that is what happens). But it is still in there and I know how it goes. I know it better than I've known any other book of the Bible. It is Holy Spirit empowering to memorize God's word.
I've read the Bible all my life. When I was in seventh grade, I read through the whole Bible in a year. I remember waking up at 6am and sitting in front of the heater vent in our living room after I turned the heat up to 65 (yes, you read that right.), and reading each morning.
As I went through high school I continued to read and do devotions and journal and pray some. Camp was a place where I really craved God's word and developed better understanding of God's love for me. In college, I continued to read and devour and consume God's word, but after I became pregnant with Naisa and she was born, it was much harder to get back into the word of God. I wasn't motivated. I wasn't focused. Even if I did read, it was just going through the motions, I wasn't absorbing anything. I knew I needed it, so I would keep trying, but there were long breaks in between, sometimes.
When we did the James study, I realized that writing the Scripture took it slower through my mind, and I listened and savored and absorbed more. I heard the sentences in my mind and understood their meaning. Having a teacher also increased the interest and having a group doing it with me increased the accountability.
So here I am in September, a couple months out from the James study, and I have decided that the best way for me to "get" God's word is to write it. Not necessarily memorize the whole book but maybe one chapter at a time. So right now I have started working through the books that Peter wrote. I am writing one chapter a day (and working on my handwriting. haha!) and I am listening through a series of exegetical sermons on First and Second Peter by Skip Heitzig. He does a significant job of researching and portraying the information in a way that makes it understandable, as well as entertaining, and it holds my attention. I find this kind of teaching helpful especially with certain verses in the Bible that no woman "likes" to read. "the weaker partner", "be submissive to your husbands". I have greater understanding of how my own relationship with my husband becomes easier and more loving when I submit my own authority to God and entrust my will to Him.
I want to encourage you, if you are reading this, to take on a discipline to write a book of the Bible. Pick a short one, maybe one that you don't like!, and write it, slowly, just a chapter a day, and find a good quality teacher who does an exegetical teaching of the book (like Skip Heitzig) and follow along with them for a little while. Even if you don't agree.
Blessings
Tuesday, September 08, 2015
Taking some time to silence the chaos in my mind
I decided to deactivate my Facebook for a month.
I need to get the automatic entertainment that it provides out of my system because my mind doesn't need to be occupied all the time with what other people are doing.
I need to get the muscle memory that occurs in my fingers to type "Facebook.com" as the first thing that happens when I sit down at an internet browser out of my system.
I need to spend more time in quiet and less time staring at the screen.
I am spending more time reading and write chapters of the Bible instead. And eventually, memorizing, meditating and praying.
I need to spend my precious thoughts on my children, and on my husband, and to pray for them and our lives, and our financial situation and employment situations.
I need to get the automatic entertainment that it provides out of my system because my mind doesn't need to be occupied all the time with what other people are doing.
I need to get the muscle memory that occurs in my fingers to type "Facebook.com" as the first thing that happens when I sit down at an internet browser out of my system.
I need to spend more time in quiet and less time staring at the screen.
I am spending more time reading and write chapters of the Bible instead. And eventually, memorizing, meditating and praying.
I need to spend my precious thoughts on my children, and on my husband, and to pray for them and our lives, and our financial situation and employment situations.
Friday, September 04, 2015
Sometimes censorship means sanity
For the past couple weeks I have seen posts and videos of the refugees from Syria being treated unjustly and not being welcomed to places. They have dealt with the worst of humanity and now they are being turned away by the "better" of humanity.
And then there is the story/photo/video of the toddler that drowned. He was a refugee and his family was seeking refuge. I didn't read the story because I know myself. I know that as a parent of young children near or at the age of the child who died, that I would over empathize. I imagine my own children in the same situation. I did not want to see pictures. I did not want to hear the story.
Alas, Facebook and yahoo have betrayed me. I saw some pictures just from scanning my news feed. It's too much. I keep asking myself,"Why would someone take a picture or draw a picture of a dead child?" Isn't it enough to bear the knowledge that a child has died? I cannot handle it. I have to push it out of my mind or the part of me that feels it crumbles.
There will always be a part of me that sobs viciously and incessantly over the deaths of children.
I want to be censored. I know my limits. I do not want people to share this kind of article even though I know they are doing it to show the world of injustice. But for my mental health, I cannot handle it. I don't get to talk to adults all day and debrief about these things. I don't always want to talk about this kind of thing to the people I'm comfortable with. I don't want to have to deal with it.
For me, with my young lives in another room, I cannot read stories of tragic death, whether from vaccinations, or drowning, or violence, or accidents (think of the first chapter of One Thousand Gifts: the imagery has plagued me deeply.) The pain is real and touchable, because lives are fragile and I am responsible for two fragile lives.
A deep part of my soul cries out for these children.
But I cannot know the details.
So remember that there are always many ways to receive information, and one way is being traumatized. There will always be people who are traumatized by the visceral pain of the world. Right now, I am one of them.
Tuesday, September 01, 2015
Sexual Purity and our fallen world.
I keep seeing posts on my Facebook feed about how the ideals of sexual purity are "patriarchal".
But let's be honest.
The ideal of sexual purity is God-blessed, because when we hold to sexual purity we have the best relationships we can in marriage.
But sin and corruption have screwed some people's sexual "purity." Abuse, rape, relationships before being saved, relationships deceived while being saved. There are a lot of examples of this.
I think the beauty in the midst of each of these dark scorching coals in our hearts in the redemption that God provides.
He relieves our guilt (for consensual relations) and our shame (for nonconsensual relations).
He helps us forgive others and ourselves.
He helps us redefine our paradigms for healthy sexual relationship from the scars our past has left. God is maternal,
God is paternal.
God does not hurt us but He helps us.
He heals us.
If a person feels oppressed by humans that are leaders in the church, they should turn to God's healing, and not broken people (although I definitely agree that there is a purpose and necessary need for counselors in many situations).
I do not think that male leaders in the church have it all figured out.
I do not think that female leader in the church have it all figured out.
There is imbalance and not enough realizations in the "middle" ground of the liberal and conservative arguments of the church.
There is division.
When I think about the division of the church, sometimes it's just misunderstanding.
But sometimes it's people being too stubborn to listen to God (on both sides).
And sometimes it's people listening to God.
When you listen,
Really stop and listen to God
Do you find yourself arguing with Scripture (the inerrant words of Christ!)?
Do you find yourself mad at Paul's writings?
Do you say to yourself that this is cultural and was a broken system?
Stop listening to your voice and start listening to God's voice.
It's in the Scripture. The more you study it (and NOT what other people write about it), the more you understand God's will for your life! And what He's really saying. Study the cultural understanding.
Step away from theology and take a look at history.
Study someone who takes an exegetical perspective and not a topical perspective.
Spend more time in God's word and less time in devotionals written by people.
(This is by no means my exhaustive feelings on this topic.)
But let's be honest.
The ideal of sexual purity is God-blessed, because when we hold to sexual purity we have the best relationships we can in marriage.
But sin and corruption have screwed some people's sexual "purity." Abuse, rape, relationships before being saved, relationships deceived while being saved. There are a lot of examples of this.
I think the beauty in the midst of each of these dark scorching coals in our hearts in the redemption that God provides.
He relieves our guilt (for consensual relations) and our shame (for nonconsensual relations).
He helps us forgive others and ourselves.
He helps us redefine our paradigms for healthy sexual relationship from the scars our past has left. God is maternal,
God is paternal.
God does not hurt us but He helps us.
He heals us.
If a person feels oppressed by humans that are leaders in the church, they should turn to God's healing, and not broken people (although I definitely agree that there is a purpose and necessary need for counselors in many situations).
I do not think that male leaders in the church have it all figured out.
I do not think that female leader in the church have it all figured out.
There is imbalance and not enough realizations in the "middle" ground of the liberal and conservative arguments of the church.
There is division.
When I think about the division of the church, sometimes it's just misunderstanding.
But sometimes it's people being too stubborn to listen to God (on both sides).
And sometimes it's people listening to God.
When you listen,
Really stop and listen to God
Do you find yourself arguing with Scripture (the inerrant words of Christ!)?
Do you find yourself mad at Paul's writings?
Do you say to yourself that this is cultural and was a broken system?
Stop listening to your voice and start listening to God's voice.
It's in the Scripture. The more you study it (and NOT what other people write about it), the more you understand God's will for your life! And what He's really saying. Study the cultural understanding.
Step away from theology and take a look at history.
Study someone who takes an exegetical perspective and not a topical perspective.
Spend more time in God's word and less time in devotionals written by people.
(This is by no means my exhaustive feelings on this topic.)
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