Beauty in Family

So it has been a little while since I have written about beauty, although I've been surrounded by it, and have been so enveloped in love that I couldn't really express what I'm thinking.

This past weekend was our Thanksgiving Break, and I got to spend it with my family! They came here, rather than me traveling to them. I felt so loved to be surrounded by them, their realness, their love, and getting to tease and eat really really good food.

One of the things that my family does when we are together is sing hymns together. The singing was so peaceful and fun. We came together, forgetting all the chaos and little fights of the day and lifted our four-part harmony (ish) voices to God in praise. My dad was trying to teach Austin and Tyreeq the bass line. Marie and I were alternating between the melody (loud and proud), the alto line (both of us not sure what exactly we were doing, and for me, sometimes just singing the harmony that I heard, but not reading the music.

"Jumping" picture
LtoR Anna, Me, Karis, Marie, Erin, Audrey

We played football together. I was a great kicker (indoor soccer skillz), and we combined all our assets to make our awesome team. People like Joe, who, although not fast, will scare the living daylights out of the other team's quarterback when he came charging.

We prepared and ate food together. I was peeling potatoes beside my great grandmother and my cousin. I snitched celery and cream cheese from my aunt and cousin.

I went running with my mom twice; she's supporting me in my training for my half marathon, and she's been really great about it.

At my grandpa's birthday celebration, we blew up balloons, some of us (not saying ANNAy names) used certain static electricity to stick them to the ceiling and succeeded, and influenced my younger cousins to do so also...

We ate Ethiopian food--ingera and wut--and Uncle Charlie's Amazing Macaroni and Cheese.

What I cherished the most out of all the time that I had with my family was the conversations that I was able to have with people. Audrey was my roomie for a couple of nights in my grandparent's house, which was truly fun for me. I got to have a conversation with my great Grandma Souder, and promised to write her. I had a good time talking with my Grandma Peg while she was preparing food on Wednesday before everyone got there. We were bonding, as I was multitasking. . .

It was amazing to see my younger sister and my parents, and I couldn't stop hugging them. That's one of the ways that people have changed me here at EMU. I'm much more of a hugging person now than I was. But here we are so open to hug and to love openly then of course I should reciprocate onto my family, whom I have known longer and loved longer.

There was so much laughter. On Saturday night, we played the game, things, and after that, I think we all felt good and de-stressed. Things you shouldn't do on your honeymoon: binge on habenero peppers, Mennonite Your way, skinny dip in an arctic pool, drink too much apple cider *gurgle*
Things you shouldn't title a children's book: "Black women's hair", "Harold Richard gets ferocious ferocious", "The Unbuttoned Shirt", "Hate and Kill your Neighbor", "How to steal from your mom's purse and get away from it", "The Day Your Parents Got Cancer", & "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Love you Anymore."

Nyquil from Anna is love. Coming and meeting my new friend right before they left was love. Affirming comments about my music is love.

And for me love = beauty. I can't deny it.

Vending Machine

This song is about men who objectify women.
It is awesome.

Verse One:
You are the type of person who makes me regret
Being unique today.
You look me over up and down and then tell me I'm pretty
Though "complimenting" on my looks you accentuate my body
You take away my humanity when you wander you mind away

Prechorus:
I'm only the cheap jewels in your treasure box
You want my heart to be a cheap, breakable lock
So that you can enter in and tempt me with seduction
But leave like before you began, with out me name
I was just another body you claimed

Chorus:
I'm demanding equality
For freedom from super-sexuality
My beauty is more than a picture taken
Don't manipulate my God-given brain
I am beauty and also intelligence
Why do you decide to choose
Who I am like a vending machine?
I am a human being!

Verse Two:
You treat me like junk food, gobble me up and throw away the memory
Your single set mind makes you even more hungry
For you cheap rush of dopamine
You make me a means to an end
Of sexuality you can't stop,
At least, you've always thought

Watching Chick Flicks and REALITY

So this past semester has had a lot of homework, and so I haven't had any time to watch movies. I can name all the movies that I have sat completely through. King Arthur, Pocahauntas, and most recently, tonight, Bride and Prejudice.


I would like to point out that romance in movies isn't real life. Because the media influences our thoughts and processes, many people think of romance, relationships, and marriage like the way that actors portray it, which is the way they are asked to portray it by the script & the writers, which is influenced by who knows what.
Outtakes show us that people are acting, that they make mistakes, and that they sometimes have a bit of a hard time trying to act out something  If people acted like this in real life, there wouldn't be any outtakes because it would come naturally to them. They wouldn't need a script. 
Reality has something called free will, and with that free will, people live independently from the stereotypes. 
Unfortunately, the media has a deeper grip than we can loosen just by reading these words. It is a harsh truth. To live counter cultural, one almost has to reject the idea of romance. 


But how can we reject romance? I have a hard time with that. I like our culture's characteristics for "dating and relationships". I would love to receive flowers, and be asked on a date where we dress up like we're visiting our grandparent's church, and we sit at a table, order nice food, and drink nice drinks late into the night, learning about each other. I would love to spend time with someone, dancing the night away, or walking beside a river, or shopping at the mall, taking silly pictures together. 

"Silly Picture"

These ideas come from somewhere. Somewhere along the way, I was told that to have a fun, romantic relationship was to do these things. Maybe it was the novels I read, maybe it was the movies I watched, but either way, I felt like I was taught that someday I would be married, and the world would "LIVE HAPPILY FREAKING AFTER." Who freaking painted that picture? As I continue to look at the world around me and watch people as they build relationships, get engaged, get married, start a family, I see that they also have other things that are building momentum in their lives: finish high school, go to college, graduate, go to grad school, get a good job. Or also, rent an apartment, live independently, buy a house. Or, plant a garden, raise chickens, get a cow, go buy a barn. These are other things that we can do with our lives. Each of us has a different path. Marriage may or may not be a part of it, and if it is, that's great. If it's not, then that's great too! 

Because of society's interpretation of romance, I had high expectations for relationships. They had to work out. There had to be a certain amount of effort put into the relationship to label it as a "relationship." I think a lot of people put expectations into their relationships. But because we all have free will, how could any of these expectations be met as we expected, unless someone was following the script written by the expecter. There's also the agony of things like "breaking up" or expressing that you aren't in love or whatever. There's almost some stigma for telling how you really feel, because there's so much of an expectation (see, there it is again) that you should be in love, and if you aren't in love, you should get in love. I think communication is so much more important. Be frank, dangit. I'm not sure how I feel about you. If a guy said that to me, props to him.

Since I was a little girl, I always thought that marriage was the epic step that I was going to take. Once I found my "true Love" the fire was going to be lit, and my life was never going to be the same. The veil would (literally) be lifted to my whole new world. Because I wanted this idea of marriage so bad, I was ready to look into the eyes of anyone who swore they loved me and think that I was going to be with them forever. To say that this semester has been one of epic change might be an understatement, because I went from, "I found the one--we're getting engaged soon! Wait until you meet him!" to, "He never really was in love with me, and it's over," and that really redrew the entire thought of true love for me. 

Or the idea of romance.  One can be romantic, one can be a friend, one can be a lover. Does one have to be in love to have true love? What is true love? Is true love that kind of love that you fall into? (because if it is, then I've fallen into true love a couple times.) If true love is that type of love, then what does it mean to fall in love? What does it mean be in a relationship? All these things are defined by the society around me, so how do I make them my own?

Right now, I'm "married" to two other women. I lived with them for the first half of the semester, and now, and soon, we will be starting our long distance relationship. Though this is a joke; I am not, in fact, a bisexual polygamist, it is what I need right now. They are my closest friends, and I hold to them, laugh with them, cry with them (sometimes after laughing), and we care for each other. We are all growing alike. We all carry our passion on our sleeve. Spending time with these girls, eating, snuggling, laughing, talking, coloring, I have grown so much in myself, and what I need to "be".

So What is love? 

(baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more)

Love is what lifts us up where we belong. 

"Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be"

--Mumford and Sons, "Sigh No More"

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸ Love never fails."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a

So what love is, who love is with, in reality, in relationships, sometimes love hurts. Sometimes those who love you do hurt you, but they still love you. Sometimes true love means letting go and moving on. Maybe true love happens many times in a life time, and you can fall into true love with many people at the same time. Maybe that's how God feels about us. 

Today is TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS day

Today I represent hope beauty for those who look in the mirror and feel hate toward their entire person so much so that they hurt themselves.
I,We, She, He, They, We desire love so much that we think we can only earn it, and only from other people. Love is not earned. Love is given, love is a gift. Love is unconditional, so no matter what you look like, that means the love is equal. Love is equal rights. Love is so blind that people who look different, love different are LOVED.
We receive love from others, this is true. This love can only temporarily sustain us. This love can seem absent when our lovers are absent. We need to love ourselves. This is a love that is sustained through our lives. We maintain self-love by resting, by exercising, by emotionalizing. Taking time to be spiritual, thoughtful, and seeking balance is a way to pursue self-love. Taking care of yourself is loving yourself.
Our creator is heaven also loves us, with more unconditional mercy than we think we deserve. Where other people's love is finitely sustained, Holy Spirit's love is infinite, and keeps on giving.
When we finally love ourselves, and stop criticizing the "imperfections" that society tries to load upon us, we see the beauty that echos from our lips each time we can be real with other people. We express our confidence, subtly or loud and proud, and not care what other people think. Then we let our beauty blind people.
Overcoming anything is a struggle. Lack of self-love makes one have no drive to do anything; it makes life slavery. The idea of writing LOVE on her arms is to overcome Self-hate with self-love. Even though the people who are writing LOVE on their arms might not have had the struggles that people who cut themselves have, and they cannot provide the love that each person is searching for, they can support, they will support, and they will love.
I will Love like there is no tomorrow (will you?). There might not be, you know.

Beauty in Song

I find that one of the ways that I can show my own beauty is through singing and through writing music. When I got a chance to play "light the silence" for this year's Take Back the Night chapel and coffeehouse, I felt blessed to express inspiration for those who needed it.

I was also blessed by a fellow student, with an invitation to join one of the bands on campus. It turned out to be very beneficial and fun for me, and we have had two performances--one for chapel, and one for Dialogue On Race and Diversity Worship Night. I got to play three of my own songs at the beginning of this event as well.

This beauty thing is for me, but it's not for me as well. Although I would say that within music, my beauty is blooming for others to see, I wouldn't say that it is something that I am unconfident in. And although I need growth in the area, as sometime in the future I will be able to record and have a CD or my music, and there is a lot of work in that, I know that this project and idea is not all about me. Although everyone needs certain levels of empowerment, I know I'm one that needs less in comparison to others.

So with that disclaimer, the truth in all of this is that I WANT to empower others to embrace their own beauty in individuality, in confidence. Part of this is recreating beauty. Knowing that I am an individual makes it impossible for me to redefine beauty by myself. Beauty is different in every person. Where some people are confident in clothes and in things they have to say, others carry their beauty in their art work, in their food justice. Others carry their beauty in their beautiful unwashed hair. Beauty is confidence. Beauty is laughing so hard you cry (or snort).

As we recreate beauty, what makes you your beautiful self? What's striking and individual about you that you see about yourself and makes you overflow with love for whatever you love?

Here's "reclaiming beauty"

It's just genetics
Combinations of chemicals
That create who we see
This makes me unique
No one else
Carries elements like me

Then somewhere I lost me
Under masks I wear
Wanting to please Society
We've molded ourselves
To their blueprint for beauty

I want to bring back beauty
Like birds singing
Like leaves tinged by sunset sky
I want to see individuality
Confidence overflowing
I want acceptance for who I am
Even with "said" imperfections
I was created woman
Don't underestimate me
This is real beauty

It's just genetics
Combinations of chemicals that create
Who you see
This makes you unique
No one else
Carries elements like you

Then somewhere you lost you

Under masks you wear

Wanting to please Society

We've molded ourselves

To their blueprint for beauty

Women made into mannequins by this media

Plastic-coated shiny perfect

Covered in makeup

Just sexy and helpless

How could we call this 

beauty??

What is strength, depth, intelligence

Aren't we perseverance, endurance

Confidence over fashion sense
Individuality--it is beauty.

"Closemindedness"

Because of recent interactions with people who are slightly more conservative than ourselves, there have been several discussions of frustrations with said people. Their ideas seem so constrictive and don't seem like they are beneficial. This frustrates me especially, because I am pro social justice, and I see how the problem can be solved. But instead of seeing how the problem can be solved my way, they only see their way. Sometimes I feel like the subject that we discuss are only based on one thing--one story, or book--that causes their opinion to lean one way. I am so frustrated with this, because I have experienced so much, and the information that I understand has not been spoon-fed to me--I've seen it with my own eyes, and tasted it with my own tongue.
When a person comes to the table (literally. We eat in the caf. They come to the table), with their single story, and argues their point until they are blue in the face, and I get frustrated. It's not just because I'm liberal. To a point, I can have civil conversations with conservatives. I know that people who are conservative are people too, human, and are imperfect, as I am also. And so when I start getting annoyed, I like to draw the conversation out of the concepts, and back into the reality and talk about things that we can agree on. I understand we will have to reach a point where we agree to disagree. This will happen.
But the true challenge comes to mind when I start talking to someone who doesn't know but their one experience--their one perspective. I find myself almost unable to listen to them, because of my life experiences. I know the answer; it's not what they are describing, so I don't listen to the words that they are saying. I label them. "Closeminded." I know that they won't listen to what I say, s I have to take my opinion and throw it out the window, because I cannot convince them of any word that I say. They don't listen to a single word coming out of my mouth when they find out that I am liberal.
Do we liberals think that we are better than conservatives? Of course.
Do those conservatives think they are better than liberals? Yep.
Last night, I came home from band practice and we started talking about talking to conservative people. One of us used the term "Close minded," and then Meg or Bekah said something like "I don't like that term. Saying close minded is close minded."
Instead of talking about the fact that we are liberal or conservative, we need to talk about how we can stop desensitizing people when we talk about them. We can talk about our issues, but we don't want to lose the importance of the issues. We can argue until we are blue in the face about how we are going to feed the hungry, but at the end of the argument, they are still hungry. We can't let the issue lose the face.

So the approach we need to take is to work towards the goal of egalitarianism. Maybe we need to approach things after trying to define goals. Maybe we shouldn't let ourselves become emotional or competitive, and instead become listeners and serve each other. We need to find a way to pull ourselves together despite our differences and meet in the middle. We can't get anywhere if we are pulling the rope in opposite directions.