Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New Year's Thoughts

I've never been one to be normal, so New Year's Resolutions are not really my style.
But I do set goals for myself.
It's harder this year, because I have a lot less motivation than I used to. Luckily this is only temporary. But as of now, as I have changed, these are my thoughts for the new Year.
--Let God be God and let His Plans be. I have so much trouble with this because I just want to do what I want and I want to know what I'm going to be doing in the next year. But God has this wonderful plan... he's just waiting to reveal it to me when I have a fork in the road, and i need to decide which way of the path I'm going to take. I know everything is going to change when I start what I start this year. I know I'm going to be more aware of things I wasn't aware of, and it will, in essence, bring about new passions I didn't know existed. I don't know what I'm doing, and in basically, I'm about to be planted in a highly fertile field. The sun is warm and welcoming, I'm stretching my legs and my arms up to the sky. Now I'm ready for the run.
--Stop eating things that humans made to make themselves feel less guilty about what they are doing to their bodies, and such. I want to go back to the basics in every style of food. I want to learn how to make cheese, and become French! I want to stop eating processed things, and start eating local in the hopes that I can make the world more equal one bite at a time. Sabbath Economics to Barbara Kingsolver plus Meg's Personal Impact Project to My own.
I should probably make a plan of action... because I guess that's the type of person I am. I'm not really sure...but of course I would have to do research. And that is something I dread (also because of the person I am) and I don't know where to start... ok.. rabbit trail.
--I thought about making a goal to blog more often, have some sort of motivation to blog everyday (or as often as I could). This thought is from the inspiration of Julie and Julia, but with something more pliable to my own tastes. As much as I would aspire to be a French cook, I would fail miserably with the idea, and there is no way that I could be consistant about it.
Maybe I could take another science class, and blog about how sure I am that it is not the right class for me, and complain about it in every blog, while reviewing my notes.. Chemistry for the complete Apathetic Dummy. Ha. I would hate myself. OR Grace's Guide to Washington D.C.. But that would have to have some serious research. But it would be Hands On. . . I'm not sure. That last one seems the most plausible.
I could try to listen to a song I'd never heard of, using some type of search engine (ideas?) to look up a particular word or subject, and find different types of music that describe me. And also things like going to as many shows as I can in D.C. Finding connections with artists (and getting into shows for free) I don't know. I'm just storming through this brain of mine.
I'm tired. Bed Time. Maybe this will continue. Maybe not. Either way.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Reflections of a Time Worth Spent





No one said college would be easy. But coming from someone who took it voluntarily in high school to get away from the normality of the world was especially surprised when she discovered this was so.

I took two (and a half) years of classes at Akron University during high school before I graduated, and decided to come to EMU. I had been accepted into the Honors Program, and with that half tuition scholarship, started up on the stylish freshman fall semester. Within the first week, I was surrounded by many wonderful (but also sort of shallow) friends. I was finding time to exercize, the workload didn't seem that bad, and the people I wanted to spend the most time with were on the same floor as I was.

I went to my first party. I refused my first alcoholic drink, and the party crowd as a friendship base. I got my tongue pierced, to "follow my dreams", which is infamously, what I told my mother over a text directly after I got it pierced. Within the first week, I realized that I was more social than I had expected, more social that I'd ever been. So social, in fact, that it was inhibiting me from being a good college student. My friends were not in my classes, and so work did not get done when I spent time with them. Even worse, I realized that the major that I had in my life plan was actually something that I didn't have a passion for. So shoot, I had to finish a semester with two unwanted science classes that were not easy.

I had the first section of hard-core long-distance relationship, as letters and shortened, spaced out phone calls suddenly were treasured so so much more than the original two hour conversations nightly.

And I felt, for the first time, like I was burned out, like I wasn't accomplishing anything, and that all the learning was going down the drain, and it was being wasted. I felt like I wasn't ready to choose my major. I didn't know what to major in and so I had no idea what I was doing, taking classes at EMU to some uncertain, unsure-if-it-was-ever-there-goal. (I'm serious. In the past, it has been so easy to come up with a poster list of goals for a season, a month, or a semester, and I could not think of more than two!) I was unmotivated, nothing was worth working toward, other than the end of the day, or the weekend, or the break. College--learning--had become my 9-5 I-hate-my-job situation. Some days it still feels that way.

Why was I at college? I'd already done this, and I was sick of explaining how I got to where I did, and how I now knew nothing about what I wanted to do, or what classes to take and what was the point of me being here, if all it felt like was a waste of time and money.

The answer was not (yet) for the degree, or the major (which I still have no idea what I am going to major in), but for the experience, and the friendships.
The people I met with the different perspectives that woke me up to my own passions, and the experiences that I'd never challenged myself with,. Even though I waited to the end of the semester to make relationships with some, I still made them, and it made for a great end of te semester (though there was a trippingly horrible beginning.)
One of my goals, once getting to school was to keep running, no matter what time of the day. Within the first few weeks, I didn't go at all, resorting, exercise-wise, to walk around the track (as it was still warm at the time), and talk to Zach on the phone. But after Zach was into training and there weren't any phone calls, I decided to start running, and, fighting off al intimidation, I found a running partner who did thirty minutes at a time, a couple times a week. I was sort of unsure whether I would be able to go thirty minutes without stopping, but Ellie graciously accepted me at my twenty-five minute run, and we built up to the thirty minutes we both longed to be proud of. We ran at the indoor track, and the outdoor track, because often the indoor one was closed at the late hours we decided to go running. We would go between seven and (once) eleven o'clock for our runs, depending on what the day was like. Ellie and I talked about whatever was on our minds, and this run was one to look forward to because we could talk about anything on our minds, and get out the physical frustrations and mental frustrations. Ellie and I also occasionally (but I was the one who usually bought something) went to Organic Grounds--We would buy drinks and play cards, or we would study and play cards, or I would vent and Ellie would study. Either way, it was a relaxing time and break slightly off the EMU campus. One time we walked back to EMU through the back way behind the EMU campus, and we were pretty sure that we saw one of the soccer guys peeing in the pond. We veered around him, and prayed that he didn't hear us.... More recently, I gave Ellie my beta, and we were talking about how we were going to go to Wildwood park and get some Asiatic clams to filter the water because they would filter it indefinitely. We did go to Wildwood, but all the Asiatic clams were dead, and we found a larvae creature which Ellie named Carl, and we went and watched the falls for a couple minutes, and then I decided we should try to scare some of the ducks. Well, the ducks we just rustled from their nests, although the slight bit of yelling may have had a form of motivation. . . But then we glanced down the way of the swing bridge and saw a man on one knee on one side, and a woman crossing the bridge from the other side... We left abruptly after that, and hoped that our audio disturbance hadn't ruined the moment. Although, I'm pretty sure that the woman said, "yes." The last thing we did was a great break after our Biology final. We went to put air in the tires of Anna and I's "new" Honda Accord, and figured it out after the second try. (and the second dollar). Then we went over to the Organic Grounds for the last time. Ellie was still studying for her Psychology Final, but while looking through the book, she found a diagram that we could both relate to. "Look!" She said, "it's Jim's reaction to your Bio Report, and then Jim's reaction to My Bio Report!" (It was a picture of reactions, one with a tiger, and one with a kitten. Priceless.) Ellie gave me her Psychology book after she was done with her final, because she knew that I wanted to study Psych, just didn't get a chance this semester. She also gave me a couple awesome pairs of socks for Christmas, and a beautiful card with lots of insight, and I'm so glad that Ellie and I became friends. We made it through a car accident together, and have had many different talks about nearly everything. I will miss running with her next semester, as I will be in DC.
Bekah and I go way back. She was one of the first people that I spoke to when I was at Honors Weekend. Then this semester, Bekah and I randomly started hanging out. Ironically, I was on the first floor of Elmwood, and the girls bathroom was on the third and even though I live up there, I didn't want to walk up the two flights of stairs, so I walked over to Maplewood and used the girls bathroom on the first floor over there. I wasn't expecting to stop and go in, but my social attitude kicked in, and I did. (By the way, that was the first time I'd been in Maplewood.) And after that, we started talking in Ethics, after Ruling Ideas, eating dinner together occasionally, and on the way from Ruling Ideas to Chemistry Lab. Well, one Friday morning Bekah called me, while at work study. She hadn't babysat for several years, and that was the present task. So I came to her rescue. We got to spend a few hours together then, and watch a little African baby with a rather interesting belly button. After that, Bekah decided to take me to dinner to repay me. We decided to go to the Little Grill, which was nearby Our Community Place. The interesting thing that happened was that we didn't actually know where we were going. We guessed the entire way, but got there. (This is rather unlike the time which Marie, Wendy Huang, and I set out for Red Front and ended up at Roses, which I told Bekah about on our way, only to find that Our Community Place is directly beside Roses.) After that meal, we decided to start having a dinner out a couple more times this semester. Once, we ended up at the Bowl of Good, and then in Artisan's Hope, and she bought me a ring. Which I lost! But I still have the thought of the ring heavily on my mind. Bekah is one of my halves, and we are very similar and very different, and we get along quite spiffily.
Ahh, Stacy. If you have read this blog previously, you already know about Stacy and I. We are kind of opposite to each other, but good for one another either way. We've gone to Gift N Thrift a couple of times, and the clothes have never fitted so well. We have baked together, we've eaten together, and I think we've made each other laugh one million times. Stacy likes to come into the lounge when I'm practicing. Then when I see her come in, I get distracted, and start a good conversation instead of continuing to practice the piano. This is one of the ways that I know I wouldn't be a good Music Major. I wouldn't be able to focus on playing. Instead, I would want to work on my relationships more. Anyway, Stacy and I have built quite an awesome relationship, spending time with her in a car has never ceased from being productive. Stacy and I have enjoyed building gingerbread houses. (We didn't actually do this together). We like being spontaneous and having dance parties in the kitchen on Elmwood 3rd. Because she lives so close to where I live, Stacy and I are going to spend some time over break together, being crazy, playing guitars and making up silly songs. And maybe we'll go Christmas shopping. For ourselves.
I met my good friend Jamila through the Honors program, but I didn't expect that we'd have so much in common, or actually be tenth cousins for rizzle! I checked my great uncles family tree. It's really rather funny. But anyway, through the Honors program, we had to write a children's book about someone college aged that made a difference. I wrote about Jamila and her YES experience. In doing that I learned more about what YES offered. I hadn't heard a whole about it from Zach, but I guess that was probably because there wasn't much to know, because each experience is way different. That "interview" about YES was one of the first deep conversations I had with Jamila. After that, we braided hair together during the Homecoming Weekend. It was always enlightening for me to spend time with Jamila, because she had a different perspective than everyone else I spent time. I soon realized that part of this reason was because Jamila did the YES program. Starting in November, Jamila invited me to play on her indoor soccer team, the World Wide Wonders. I accepted with vigor, because indoor soccer is my passion. Then started a wonderful experience. We didn't win a game during the regular season. We tied one, but barely lost several of our games. Then enter post season. We were number nine--the last in the league, and we played our first tournament game, and we won. Still the lowest team "technically", but we won one... we kept playing, and we kept winning, and made it to the B league championship! This game we tied, went into the shootout, and the other team barely won. (of course, when we found out that half their team was on the A league championship team, we felt cheated, and a bit proud as well, because that meant we weren't that bad.) (at least #2 is solid. :P) Anyway, Jamila braided my hair this past week. She also told me about YES training, and we spent a good hour and a half, while my head was being transformed, talking about life and stuff. It was a good time. The last few weeks of the semester, I started eating meals with people who live in Maplewood, who, in my opinion are deeper than those who live in Cedarwood and Elmwood. (I think Elmwood is the most shallow of all the Woods Dorms). That's my biased opinion. And I lived in Elmwood. I was really glad that I spent time with people who built me up, and didn't leave me hanging.
My boyfriend was in training for YES from September to Thanksgiving break, and he left for Africa on the second of December. But while he was in training, I went to the first event, commissioning. There, I met his teammates and leaders with Deanna, and was introduced as his girlfriend, Grace. I visited again, this time, going to Chris and Katie's house to sleep, and visited HDC, and met everyone again, and they met me again. I visited again, once, just to see Chris and Katie and then right after Fall Break with Stacy. We actually got to work with them at a worksite, and eat lunch with them. Then when I finally came back for the end of training, everyone knew me as Grace. This was Zach's doing--he made sure that everyone referred to me as Grace, not "Zach's girlfriend." (that really meant a lot to me, even if he doesn't know that.)
I met several people with this present YES group. including the grandparents, and parents of Aaron, who I go to school with, and his sister (who is doing YES), Lauren. I'm not even participating in YES, and I am affected by the experience of it. This I highly appreciate.
Chris and Katie had a home only three hours away with two toddlers and Lydia welcoming me to their own different chaos than what I felt at EMU (which was a dreading oh-my-word-how much-work-do-I-still-have-to-do? type of feeling.) They let me have fun with their wonderful kids, and rest within their house. They also let me practice my piano for hours, until I memorized one song. Lydia had me type up a song that I had written, and insisted on learning and singing it for hours and hours one evening, so much so, we had some oooooo accompaniment by Chris.

These are the reasons I was EMU. To meet these people, to let them change me, and to help me grow in my faith, in my patience, and my person. There were so many other people who aren't even noted, that made a difference in my semester.

God is my greatest influence, my best resting place, and gave me the peace to make it through this semester. As of now, I have no idea what next year holds. But God does, and I trust God.
This is how I will listen. With trust, patience, and willingness for change, as it comes.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Rough Stuff: Predators and Boys who Mean Well (Online and Off)

I never thought I would have to write about this, because I tend to think that I have reliable boundaries and morals of which I follow unconsciously to avoid unwanted male contact. But it seems that it is unavoidable, with internet use being for so vastly for communicative purposes.

I had little knowledge of Skype, other than the option that it was a program that could be used for free phone calls to other countries, and it had video chat options. I'd used it for myself, between my parents and my friends for conversation and connections. A couple weekends ago, however, I was on Skype, and I noticed that you could change your "online status" to online, or away, or invisible, and also "Skype me!" I wasn't sure what that meant, so I switched it on, and then proceeded with my other internet communicative obligations (Facebook, Gmail, Blogger). Within minutes, I was being chatted with some random guy who I had never met or even heard of. Because I have learned to be careful about things like this--there are creepers alive and creeping out there, whether we like it or not--I bluntly asked this character "Who are you?"
You know it's a bad thing when they respond with their age and their gender, but don't give a name. I didn't continue the conversation after that, and when the character continued the conversations with, "can i see you?", I replied "no", and he responded "plz Im hard now", I exited the conversation, and blocked the character. Similar situations occured, each, now with an experienced eye, had little to no conversation, and several perverts were blocked.
By then, I realized that it was most likely the "skype me!" status. I discovered that it is synonymous with "Horny", and I reduced my online status back to just "online."
I was saddened by this, because suddenly all forms of communication have a dark side. Desperate people call for desperate measures. That or they are just too bored to realize how stupid they are being.
This has happened on Facebook as well, just not in such a heavy extent. It's usually a friend request or someone I've never heard of, and then, or course, I just ignore their friend request.
The difficult part is when it's someone who is actually a mutual friend of your friends, and so you assume they have some type of connection with you, and so you add them. But when they start sending vague messages, and start a Facebook chat with "How are you, sexy?", I took no dramatic pause to remove my friend connection with the character.
I refuse to be the butt of a group of people that try to get women to like them by telling them how beautiful they are, over the internet, nonetheless, to get them to give favors of some sort.
It makes me nauseous, essentially.
What disturbs me the most is when it's someone I have known before, as a friend. And as a friend, you have the free right to pass through their pictures, giggle at the funny pictures, and Like the beautiful ones. But it's disgusting when you come across PG-13 pictures, taken by themselves. I do not approve. Regardless of whatever seemingly righteous intentions said person had with their photography, it's still trashy, and rude to those of us who like a positive picture drawn when on the internet.
In real life, I hate it when guys whistle out of their cars at girls, or yell at them. I dislike it when it seems that a woman becomes a spectacle of choice that needs "serenading" (aka catcalls).
I hate that there are some upperclassmen that think that all freshman are naive, and that we would be interested in continuing a conversation with them, after their first intellectually deep thought-through statement: "Where you come from?" (when you are on the staircase, and it is obvious that you came from the floor above them).
And also the assumption that the girls dorms are all willing for partiers that aren't students to come into their dorms and have sex with them is a highly wrong assumption. Ugh. Some men never become men. It's really depressing.
This last paragraph is someone who has not offended me.
It is refreshing to be hit on by someone who just wants to watch a movie, Mamma Mia!, nonetheless, in the laundry room. There are no other sexual intentions, no obvious "I want you for your body, and how you can make me feel" moments, but rather, "I think you're smart, and I like your personality, and heck, you're kinda cute too" moments. Unfortunately for anyone who tries to pull this one with me, they will have no luck, because I'm busy. I have a prior (anything but!) obligation. This is one that I pray will make it through the African jungle, and make it all the way to the "I do" stage. But time is time, and God is God, so I'm gonna wait on him. and Him.
That's all I have to say about that.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Finest Draftus of My Personal Impact Paper

So this is the final draft, which I am actually turning in. Enjoy! Ask if you have questions.

Grace Engle

Personal Impact Project Paper

Awareness and “Taking Out” the Trash

The average American produces about 4.4 pounds of trash daily. Americans throw away 1200 pounds of compostable material each year. Almost 75% of the trash that Americans throw away is biodegradable (Recycling). When I set out to start my self-challenge, I had no idea that this was actually true. I felt like I was consistently aware of the need to recycle and that I wasn’t using the 4.4 pound of trash daily. I didn’t think that this was going to be that much of a challenge, although I did know that I was going to have to be changing some of my routines. I had no idea that this whole project was going to change my entire outlook on what I would go about doing with my time, my money, and my trash.

In the beginning, it was a bit more extreme than the rest of the challenge. At first, I had thought that I should not throw away anything. Thus, the first day I did not recycle or compost, but instead, used the paper I had no use for to make snowflakes and other interesting decorations for my dorm room. However, within that first day, I realized how time consuming it would be if I continued saving everything, and making crafts out of it all. I decided needed to be efficient with my time, as I am a student, so I changed the challenge, and I decided to save all of my trash. This included items I recycled, which I kept in my room, and composted, which I did not keep in my room, of that my roommate was rather thankful. I kept these things in my room as a reminder of what I was consuming.

After the challenge was changed, I made several rules. I decided not to use the paper napkins in the cafeteria, because although they are compostable, they aren’t necessary just for a little bit of food on ones face. The single time I did use napkins when I was doing this project was when there was a spill. In this case, they were necessary. This part of my project was reducing the need. I didn’t need to use napkins before, but I would, and did not recognize that I was using them. The same went for paper towels in the bathroom. Where the idea of convenience is welcomed in American society, it’s important to note that getting everything we want all the time makes the world even more unequal. This is fair to no one, and one of my goals was to make the world more equal.

Another rule I made for myself was to discover which types of plastics, glasses, and papers could be recycled in the Harrisonburg area, and then to reduce the amount of the other types of plastics and other materials that couldn’t be recycled that I used, as they would become trash. The plastic wrappings for granola bars and pretzels had to be reduced drastically, or an alternative had to be discovered, and I decided to switch from granola bars to old-fashioned oatmeal. This saved me not only the plastic wrappings, but also quite a bit of money. Eating oatmeal instead of granola bars also made me have to sit down and eat breakfast, wait for food to be ready, and not eat on the go. It was also an ultimate test to see if I was hungry or not, because oatmeal isn’t that much of a palette satisfying dish. Another goal was to reduce the amount of plastic cups, which are plastics #4 and 5, in my life, and avoid any type of disposable options, in general.

The first weekend was slightly rough, as I did some traveling to a family friend’s house, and they were using paper plates and paper napkins because their dishwasher was broken. So I did some dishes that weekend, and made sure that my banana peel and apple cores made it to the outside compost pile. Eating out always adds to the chaotic amount of garbage one consumes, so when Sunday lunch became a food court episode, I had to veer away from the Chinese options, which were being served on unrecyclable Styrofoam, which is plastic #6. The second option was Subway, although I wasn’t sure what I would do with the wax paper wrap and the plastic bag after the sandwich had been consumed. Luckily, when lunching with three-year-olds, a hat can be fashioned out of wax wraps, and for moms, plastic bags are useful for carrying around soiled diapers. So I escaped most of that trash, except for the Grande Starbucks House Roast cup of coffee that my weekend father bought me. Though for my growing coffee love, it was unfortunately contained in an insulated paper, thus unrecyclable cup with a Plastic #4 lid. So I had to hold onto it.

There were several times within my trash saving period that I had to travel, and more things tended to be consumed while I was traveling. When I went home for fall break, the people in out vehicle stopped at Quizno’s for supper, and Starbucks for a caffeine pick-me-up. Though I had packed myself a supper in the cafeteria, by the end of the trip, my trash bag had some granola bar wrappers while staying at home (I was given the option, and I chose granola bars over oatmeal). Some other unrecyclable things were given to me, like mail packaging (there was some mail at home waiting for me when I got home). The ending of the trip back to EMU was unfortunate, as we were in a car accident, and the next day I had to clean the car out. I had to add a good amount of trash to my bag, because there was trash that had been in the car since the previous May. I learned that when one travels, they accumulate more trash, and use more things in general. As Americans, we commute to work, and because of this, we take food in to-go packaging, and accumulate more trash because we take many different things. Because we are in such a hurry, to get from A to B, we end up throwing away everything that we had with us, regardless of whether we knew it was recyclable or not. It takes time to sort through the recyclable and unrecyclable.

Traveling brought many challenges to my plate, but when I told my weekend mom of the idea that I had for saving trash, said she’d seen a television show with a family with children that managed to only use a garbage bag full of trash a month, and also a family of two that only used a shopping bag sized bag of trash in a year. Of my research on saving trash, there were several examples that did the same thing as me, they saved their trash, but for a year at a time, or reduced their trash for a year. Ari Derfel, a Berkeley resident, and a Harvard Law School attendee, saved his trash, reducing as he went, and ended up with 96 cubic feet of trash within the year. Though he did this project from December 2006-December 2007, Ari continued to write for awareness on his blog saveyourtrash.typepad.com until early 2008. In San Francisco article, he noted that when he was little, he had wanted to be a Supreme Court justice to make a difference, but realized later on that it would be better for him to work on helping people one-on-one. So after his project had become public, when people would come up to him and tell him of the difference he’d made in their lives, nothing felt better (Zito, 2007). Ari Derfel donated his trash to an artist. By saving his trash for a year, he brought awareness to the city of San Fransisco. Now, according to an article written in June 2009, San Fransisco has the toughest recycling laws of the country (Cote, 2009).

Matthew and Waveney of Christchurch, New Zealand, who made a decision to go “Rubbish free” for the year of February 2008-February 2009. They used tactics such as reduce, reuse, and recycle, but they also established the idea of “rehoming.” Matthew and Waveney reduced by removing the extra plastic wrappings from their lives, including researching beforehand the plastic wrapping free locations where food could be bought with no plastic involved. They prepared for the project by removing all the things in their home that would cause them to have “rubbish” later on in the year. They replaced these things (such as batteries that were not rechargeable) with things that could be reused and wouldn’t cause waste. They reused as much as possible, by using the plastic #3 and #4 yogurt containers and cloth bags to get foods at the bulk food stores where they shopped. They recycled, of course, and went to some extreme extents to make sure that they could recycle their scrap metal, no matter if it were as small as paper clips and metal toothpaste tubes.

Lastly, Matthew and Waveney used the tactic of rehoming their items that they no longer needed or used, or risked putting in their rubbish bag, and tried to locate someone who would be willing to take it and use it themselves. I have depended on this tactic with my own project at some points. They also used composting, and they made an in-ground compost bucket in their backyard for all of their biodegradable needs. At the end of their year, Matthew and Waveney ended up with a shopping bag full of trash. But only a shopping bag! (http://www.rubbishfreeyear.co.nz/index.php)

After reading their entire blog, I felt overwhelmed, because there was so much more that I could do to make a difference in the amount of trash that I consumed, but as a college student, I neither had the resources nor the time to accomplish any of these things because I am a college student. I was motivated by the idea of rehoming, however, because it is something familiar to me. I have given bags and bags of things to people, or to the thrift store, but never thought much about the fact that I was saving the landfill a lot of space. In my opinion, donating things to a thrift store is almost like throwing them away, because you never have to worry about them, but it is essentially rehoming with a profit for a small (depending on the thrift store) business. It causes the items to be reused, and they aren’t put to waste. Rehoming is the idea that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I filled a large garbage bag with clothes and things from my dorm room, that I no longer needed to have. I decided I could survive with out them. I could survive without so much! This hit me like a truck. I was very glad that I’d reached this point.

When I reduced, I refused to use paper towels or napkins. I was disgusted with the idea of using disposable things when there were so many long lasting options for these disposable items. There are so many natural options for our processed American versions. I used less body wash and tooth paste, showered less, reduced the amount of clothes that I washed and the frequency of times that I washed the clothes. (Washing clothes too many times causes them to be worn out more quickly, so I was extending the longevity of my clothes). I reduced how much paper I printed off of my classes, and for nonassignment printing tried to make sure that I used paper that had already been used so that I wasn’t be unnecessary with the amount of paper that I used. Because each American uses an average of seven trees or 680 pounds of paper a year, I wanted to make a denton that number. I like trees. They give shade and green (J) and add calm to an atmosphere.

With my reusing, because I kept my recycling bin in my room, I reused more things. There were empty plastic bottles in it that stayed there a long time (even after I finished my rounds of saving trash). When I was thirsty, I reused these bottles. When I needed to write something down to remember it, I took a sheet of paper out the recycling bin and wrote the note down on it. I also reused the Starbucks cups that I received (or bought for myself), until they were misshapen, soggy, flimsy, and weren’t really doing their jobs anymore. Then they finally made it to the bag of trash. I also made a goal to get a to-go mug that I could use the next time that I got a hot coffee at Starbucks. This is how I feel we should be with every disposable item that we use. Because they are disposable we should use them until they have no other use but to be disposed of.

When I started this project, I made one of my goals to recycle everything that I had, within my capacity that was recyclable. This was one of the hardest things to do, because it is a habit to throw away paper. (In fact, it’s slightly fun to crumble it into a ball and see if you can make it into the trashcan across the room.) So my hardest adjustment was to make sure that I recycled all the paper that I came into contact with and had to dispose of. It was harder at first, because I would actually throw it away, then realize that I didn’t want to do that, and would have to take it back out of my trash and put it into my recycling bin. It became a lot easier to do when I removed my trashcan from my room (it became a container for recyclable plastic bags, and I couldn’t very well fill this with non-plastic bag items). The recycling bin became the priority for anything that I had with no longer any use for.

Because I was becoming so aware of what I needed to do to reduce my environmental impact, I wanted to make a difference on my hall. I put an extra cloth towel in each of the bathroom and one in the kitchen to promote the idea of not using the paper/disposable version. I also made a compost bucket for our hall, with the then almost-empty ice cream bucket that had been sitting in the freezer for the past month. (I finished the slightly freezer-burnt treat with great joy). I just put a label on the bucket, and then started to fill it with my own compost. I made colorful signs with different examples for what could be recycled, composted, thrown away, and a list of ways to reduce. There was previously a sign with the items listed that could be recycled, which was left up, but I also added my colorful one for those whose eyes tend to be more likely to look at pretty things, than yellow signs. These signs were mostly for the girls on my hall to become aware of what could be recycled and what should be thrown away. I think that it made them more aware of where their waste should go, but I’m not sure the signs made a difference, because I still saw pizza boxes in the recycling bin and coffee grounds in the trashcan. I’ve also had some oppression against the idea of using the cloth towels in the bathroom. The important thing for me was to get the ladies to be aware.

I felt it was also important to note that although Harrisonburg recycles plastics #1 and #2, they do not recycle plastics #3 and #4, which are commonly used in yogurt containers and butter tubs. This makes it harder for conscientious recyclers, who don’t want to fill the landfills with of everything they guiltily consume. There are also no local places to recycle lesser-used plastics #5 and #6, or any places to recycle Styrofoam nearby. The closest place is in Maryland, in a suburb of Washington D.C.

Thus, it would be rather difficult to try to live as a regular American does, and use the amount of plastic that an average American uses, and be able to conveniently recycle it locally. However, in Harrisonburg, one doesn’t have to go far to be able to get good natural, bulk, or local food—the Dayton Farmer’s Market offers food in bulk, though it is in plastic bags. The Harrisonburg Farmer’s Market also offers all local farmers’ own food for people to buy. With the local options of thrift stores to remove things without use, the large amount of people interested in living in intentional communities, and the easily accessible option of biking, there are many different ways that a person could accomplish living in Harrisonburg with a minimal trash diet.

With this project I realized how much I didn’t need, what I could live without. I became more aware of what the world had, and I felt I had too much in the world. In the devotional book, The Basic Trek, they talk about the ecological footprints of different cultures in the world. Americans have the biggest ecological footprints, being 30 acres per American. The average footprint in India is 3 acres per person. The average footprint in the entire world is 8 acres per person, and this takes up more than the world has to offer (Schrock-Shenk)! Americans would have to reduce to about 1/3 the amount of what they presently use.

My new goal with this project, even after my trash-saving episode was over, was to reduce the ecological footprint of myself. I use too much water, I eat too much food, and I cause too much fossil fuel go into the atmosphere. I don’t give back as much as I take, and I feel guilty about it. That is the hardest step—I have to find a balance of reducing and saving that I feel comfortable with so I don’t feel guilty about using so much that other people don’t have. I’d rather have less and not be as happy, if I knew that someone else had enough and was happy. But I am happy and I’m warm and comfortable. And though I should be happy, whenever I think about what the majority of the world is experiencing, what people I know are experiencing as they are doing outreach in Africa, Central America, in Europe, I cannot feel happy. I want to give and give and give of myself until there is nothing left of me to give. I cannot stay in this place with this unlimited amount of things, food, and warmth.

I do not find joy in wasting things that other people need, which happens in the dorm with the heat because it is an uncomfortable temperature all the time, so we have to open the windows to feel comfortable in the heat. I do not find joy in the idea that several girls on my hall cannot handle the idea of recycling paper, so they throw it in the trash. They contribute to the 75% of biodegradable and recyclable waste that is thrown away everyday, and cause the landfills to be 75% unnecessary. I know someone who chooses not to compost and recycle and is happy to not be a part of making the world a greener place. Matthew and Waveney had the same type of oppression while doing their projects. There were people who started doing “a rubbish bag a week” projects to replace the space of to their own “reducing” project. This is discouraging, and I feel the same way when people around me that I care about reject the idea of composting because it smells bad, recycling because it’s less convenient, or they reject the idea of reducing the amount of paper towels they use to dry their hands because wiping their hands on their pants is too much of a hassle. These are convenient, but so unneeded.

I feel that Americans are so used to convenience that we can’t embrace that having what we want all the time is making us universal brats, in the entire global scheme of things. However, just like with the Civil Rights movement, it cannot be just a change of habit. It also has to be a change of heart. This is something that I feel can be met with little steps in the right direction. If each American decided to have a reusable water bottle instead of insisting on using disposable water bottles (which in fact can and should be recycled), rather than using two million bottles every five minutes, there would only be 308,102,488 total used in the country, rather than 12,614,400,000,000. That’s twelve trillion water bottles per year, which is about how many dollars the United States government is in debt! Thus, little changes can make the biggest difference ever.

There are several things that I plan on continuing to do as I go with my post-project feelings. There’s no way that I can’t continue to recycle—it had become a habit that I plan on continuing as long as I am capable. Though sometimes my muscle memory in my arms tries to throw it in the trashcan that has been relocated back into my room, I make sure that it ends up in the right place. I try to reduce the amount of waste that I consume. I have started buying foods in bulk (cocoa powder, because I love to make my own hot chocolate), and I still walk out of the bathroom with wet hands if there is no other option, and leave the cafeteria with hands smelling like something I just ate because I didn’t want to use a napkin to clean up the little bit of a spill I made. I still only wash the clothes that are completely necessary to clean, as little as possible.

I have continued to reduce the amount of things that I have in my room, partly because I am moving out and I don’t need these things as much, by nature I’m a very messy person, and I realize as much as I think I’ll need them at some point, there is a very low possibility that I will actually need the things that I keep saying that I will need.

One of the biggest things that I have in my future, because of the partial impact of this project, is to be a participant in the YES program. Youth Evangelism Services (YES) is a program for young adults, ages 18-30, who get to do short term mission outreach programs. (www.emm.org) I have spoken to several people who have done the YES program within the last year, and also have spoken to some participants that are in the process of doing YES right now. I feel like it is a fit for me. When I went to visit the training center, because of my interest and my friends in the training, I felt called to be there and help and do. Doing is something I have been battling with since I have been on campus, because I have felt like I haven’t been able to help others and do as much as I need to since I have been here. Because I have this calling, I know that I will be able to experience the reduced ecological footprint by being in another country—I welcome it. I will get to live with reduced accessibility and less of everything in general. Then what I have here in America, when I come back, will not be taken for granted any longer, and I will be truly thankful for everything that I have here, and I will have experienced a reduced lifestyle. I will be able to continue to feel as if I have made a difference.

This project has truly opened my eyes to the path that I need to take with my life, and the steps that I need to take as I go. It has given me challenges, but more importantly, it has helped me grow mentally and spiritually, because of the indirect connections to my yearnings in life. Because of the simple idea of “taking out” the trash, I have changed my entire outlook on life, and what I will do with it. This project went from environmental impact to spiritual impact. I cannot wait to see where it will take me.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Send 'Em to Africa + Chemistry

It's the censored version of the card game Mafia. That's what they call it when you play it at Camp Luz. The "town" goes to sleep for the night, and the "nurse", the "police", the "detective", and the "mafia" try to determine who is saved, who, as "mafia", are killed, who the "mafia" are, and which towns person should be sent to Africa next. Because it's better to be sent to Africa than to be killed. Or the idea of killing people for fun in the game seems pointless, add that fact that it's played, out of boredom, at a Christian camp.
It was at this camp that Zach made the decision to do YES. It was at this Camp that so many people were "Sent to Africa" via the card game. But now he's going for real. He'll be there in two hours.
And he's more than ready.
I just wanted to be the "nurse" and save him from going to Africa.
But there's nothing wrong with Africa. This I know. And going there will only make him better. This I also know. I'm not worried. I'm just saddened by the lack of him here in America.
God was the "mafia". God Sent him to Africa. He's the starting gun, or in this case, the catalyst of the reaction. He was there for the entire reaction. He made it start to happen, and then left the "chemicals" to react as they may.
I'm one of those Spectator ions. I'm part of the reaction, but not in the final precipitate.
I'm okay with that.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Grateful Giver



It hit me hard yesterday.
The movie and music choices didn't help much either.
All the commercials for movies and it seems that every song in the entire world is about love. Missing love. Love being far away. Love happening. Getting married. It seems that our culture is consumed by this. It's an obsession.
"Why you do Obsessed with me? I just wanna know..." Even Mariah is feelin' it. But the fact is we take little situations and write overexaggerated songs about them.
It's not that I don't care about Love. It's just that my love and I don't have the average American relationship. Probably because he's going to Africa. I may get to talk to him once a week through Skype, but we aren't even sure about that. It takes a month for mail to be delivered to where he's going.
For me, it's this constant back and forth sway of emotions.
He needs to go. There's no other thing he can do. He's prepared for this. He's taken care of business at training. He's made a difference in Harrisburg, and now he'll go make a difference in Guinea Bissau.
I need him to go. I know that the spiritual growth that has happened in the past two months is part of what he needs to do. I know that this is what God's plan is for him.
But I don't want him to go. We've been apart for so long. It's so rough for me to go, day in and day out, and see the fortunate couples who get to spend time with those they love everyday. And I see them take that person for granted. I don't take him for granted. Every second he'll be here will be met with an equal amount of thankfulness that I'll be able to spend this second, this minute, this day with him, because there will be eight months of seconds, minutes, days, that I won't be able to see him.
I've been challenged by God to give of the things that matter to me. This is something that I need to be willing about. But I'm selfish. I'm bitter. I'm wishing and waiting, and seconds still tick by at the same speed as before.
What am I complaining about? I'm not his family. I'm not a member of the group of people that have known him his whole life. I'm the girlfriend. In love with him. And we haven't even spent that much time together, but we've made a point to communicate with each other, to give the other trust and love in ways no one else can receive from us. That's why I complain. And he hasn't left yet. I get to spend five WONDERFUL days with him before he drives back, before he leaves the country until we are both a year older, with the experiences and maturity that a nineteen-year-old normally gets when they go to DC or to Africa.
Can I handle it? No. With God's guidance. Yes, I can. Yes, I am.
That's the one thing that has struck me--that I will consistently be a mess around my friends every time one of them talks about their boyfriends, or listens to a love song, unless I hold tight to the One who will not let go.
This I learned this Sunday at church, and this Monday (today) as I listened to my mother's sermon.
From Pastor Ben's sermon,
* we are all built to be dissatisfied with what we have here on earth.
This I have learned to except in my human relationships. We all have faults. We make each other angry. We can't be together when we want to all the time.
*we put out trust in the things we can see. BUT THEY ALL FALL AWAY. Who do we trust? Who should we have trusted all along?
This is when I fall again and again. This statement makes me realize that I depend altogether too much upon the people around me to hold me up. I can do it.
*All is not lost, because God can fill us up. God :), who IS so wonderfully perfect that he didn't need to have humans. BUT GOD IS LOVE, and the purpose of humanity is to enjoy a relationship of love with our God. This is how we are satisfied.
*Turn your focus away from the things that destroy and look to God.
So I'm taking steps to make this about God. It was before, but in a more superficial sort of way.

Monday's sermon. "Grateful Giver"
Mom was talking about the feeding of the five thousand, and how he had the disciples participate in the miracle. We as humans participate in the miracle and then God does the rest.

Maybe I'm participating in the miracle and if I become the inhibitor, it won't be.

Zach, I love you. I love you as you go away from me. Go. Don't hesitate. I know you need to do it. I can and I will wait until you come back for what the future. holds. Don't let me hold you back.



Saturday, November 21, 2009

Waves of (Now) Ineffective Intimidation



Stress. It's something inevitable, especially if the first word in your title is "college" and the second is "student." But with stress comes feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. It brings feelings of discouragement, and thoughts of "why am I really doing this?"

But for me stress brings a feeling of relaxation, that is, once it's over. Once I finish the big project, or the reading, or the exam, and I get a grade I am happy with. This is what I can deal with. I can relax and make sense of it all.

Some things that I am currently studying I did not find relevance in when I first started in the classes. Listed as a Biology major planning on a medical future, with sixty credits to push me through college a little faster than most, I vigorously took two science courses this semester, to total 17-18 credits for my semester.
I figured since I pushed myself in high school with college credits, that I could handle the load plus one or two more classes with flourish. But within the first week of classes, I was struck with a Pocohauntus song, to listen to my heart, and challenged by my own honors class to" learn what I love and love what I learn." At that point, I knew I wasn't loving what I was learning. And I made it through most of the semester without loving the classes.
But I found relevance. In my Honors class, we were required to complete a personal impact project, and I challenged myself with not throwing away trash for two weeks. What I did not expect was that it was going to affect me totally and completely.
All of a sudden, the environment mattered. I'm not even sure how on earth I got there. And when I went to DC for my interview, I was overwhelmed by the thought that being a pacifist was related to environmental studies and these things could be something that I would study in the future.
So Biology started to be relevant, despite the ugly "C" on my midterm, and the stubbornness, in which I refused to study or care, suddenly made me realize that it was relevant. It made a difference in the future options that I might pursue, as it could be a step toward an Environmental Stability endorsement with my (as of right now currently planning to have a) Liberal Arts Major.
And I'm writing a Lab Report for Biology, and it's not that I'm learning that I have a passion in the subject, but that there are things in the environment that people everywhere need to be aware of, and I think that it maybe something that I need to share with the world. Awareness that if we aren't careful, we could accidently transport an invasive species and disrupt the entire ecosystem. Not many Americans know that the government spends $27,000 per second on the military currently. Not many humans in general know that those with homosexual tendencies were born that way, they did not, in fact, chose to be that way.
I was working on my Chemistry Labs so that I can relax during Thanksgiving break, and I was suddenly realizing the relevance of the labs. We were testing the SPF of sunscreens in one, and the amount of caffeine in energy drinks in the other, to see if the labels were actually accurate. Although some of those answers were not clear, it's a statement in itself that we as humans tend to trust the labels that are on things that we consume.
If I go to the store and buy some tomato juice, I trust that it's going to actually be tomato juice, not blood. Or I trust that the Tylenol that I'm taking is only 200 milligrams, not 2000.
So the fact that we are testing it in class makes it more relevant, although, I'm still not sure where the knowledge of nuclear reactions is going to assist me in any environmental studies, although I suppose that if I have to deal with a large amount of nuclear damage, that eventually that would be beneficial.
The other class that I was certain would be easy and almost silly after the first week of classes was Ethics in the Way of Jesus. The professor's teaching method threw me and my friends through a loop and we spent attended class periods coloring pictures and occasionally participating, every time there was an option.
But the readings challenged me. They led to my Personal Impact Project. And living for God through how I live suddenly became physical and environmental. I realized that I wanted to be equal to people with less. So, this class has been the most influencial.

So I'm learned that stress can be overcome with motivation. And apathy can be overcome with relevance. :)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Ambitious Ambiguity


I just spent an epic twenty four hours in Washington D.C., attempting to decide my future internship. It was intense, as I had to work to choice between several different internships before I even came to D.C. to interview.
However, that statement itself is ambiguous. I had assistance picking out my internship. One just clicked with my personality. In fact, it was less of an internship and more of a mentorship, and much more laid back and calm than any internship interview would be.
The guy that I rode to Washington D.C. with, Andrew, had two interviews, both of them pretty intense. The idea with internship interviews in D.C. with WCSC is that an interviewee would do research on the company that they are going to work with. I'm pretty sure that he had to do that. And more.
The hardship of my internship shadowing experience was the metro at 6:00 am. And also the fact that I was navigating D.C. myself. This went well, and I arrived at the first school before classes started. The person I was shadowing was supposed to come and meet me, but he never did, so I waited until second period to meet him. Then after that I attended the first class on Peace Studies (for me) of the day. It was informing. The school was large, but well-behaved. Reminded me of Streetsboro. But the point is, that is one of the good schools in the D.C. area. And then when the class was finished, there was another metro ride. This one was much shorter and I arrived, walked in the wrong direction a couple times, and then figured out where I was going, and arrived at the second high school. This was the exact opposite of the first school. There was a metal detector at the entrance, and I was asked for my I.D. (which I didn't have. Yikes!). Colman (the teacher which I was in the process of shadowing) told the entrance guard that I was with him. Probably mentioned I was from a school that promoted peace, because she let me in without any worries. The sign said, "Please remove all metal from your person before walking through the metal detector." So I went to go unscrew my tongue stud, but the lady told me that it was fine. There was security in the hall, and students openly swearing like sailors, but it wasn't intimidating. I'm not sure exactly why it wasn't, because I feel like that would be something that would freak me out. But I wasn't.
This class discussion was different. The class period was twice as long. But the discussion in this class was way more in depth than the classes at the "better" high school. I felt like the students had a better relationship with Colman at this point. That was when "Outliers" kicked in, and I was reminded that it's not the level of class that designates the students' abilities of learning, it's their drive to learn. I was impressed by this.
After that class, I was to eat lunch at any place close by. I had seen Whole Foods on my way in, and decided that it was where I wanted to eat. It was the healthiest grocery store in the country (?) or something, and then I walked to the back of the store, and I saw the buffet--there were three or four different buffet tables and too many options. I got some chicken curry, some squash and some beans, and then I went up to the register to pay. But when I was there in line, I realized (as I had) earlier, that my wallet was still MIA, and I thought I had enough cash in my pocket, but I was poorly mistaken. There were two dollars in my pocket but that was it. I was freaking out, thinking (insanely) that I would have to eat out dumpsters my first day in D.C. because I couldn't pay for the food. But the cashier said, "We'd have to throw it away anyway, so you might as well take it." So I did get to eat, which was wonderful.
Then I took a shuttle to American University and waited for the upper level class that Colman taught to commence. It was a two and a half hour long class, though, and I was cold, tired, and developing a headache (from stress maybe?) and when it finally ended, we had to wait for the shuttle, and then for the metro. I met several nice people. It was like being a commuter to school again, and my late evening Spanish class at UA. I may have gotten a headache from meeting so many different new people. Then I got back to the WCSC house, and scared the heck out of one of the residents who I had not met the night before. (I followed her inside). Then Andrew and I left, and we both talked nearly the entire way back, because we were just full of information and probably excitement, and caffeine. McDonald's. We got back at nine o'clock ish. I completely missed the Chem lab I was going to go to. But for the most part, it was ok.

I say Ambitious Ambiguity because I feel like my trip to D.C. was a little over emphasized, and added a little extra stress to my world this past week. I didn't get to run, besides indoor soccer, and I was stress half the week trying to find a ride, and then Emily found me one (thank goodness). Then there was also the stress of my chemistry exam that I didn't do amazingly well on, so it was just a big pile of things adding up even more.
But this weekend was rejuvenating, which was amazing. I was very content with the rest that I received, the friendships that were built upon, and the conversations that were held. I hope this next week isn't as bad.

Monday, November 02, 2009

"So Grace, what is love?"

My friend Stacey and I went to Harrisburg last Saturday. We drove out Friday night and Lydia and her friend Hope, along with several YES staffers, a few neighbors, Stacey, myself, and also the girls we half-transported to home piled into Chris and Katie's wonderful home and watched the second half of Three Musketeers. We ate halloween candy and popcorn, and stayed up long after the movie ended, and the YES staff, the neighbors, and the half-transported girls went home.

We sang "Three Chartruese Buzzards" until twelve in the morning. The next day was filled with wondrous excitement, as we got to join the YES trainees for lunch, and then joined them for their work project later. It was an exhausted three thirty when we sadly left the work site and said our goodbyes. I was physically and mentally dead tired when we got back to Chris and Katie's. We ate the most scrumptious beef stew from a pumpkin!, as it was Halloween. Then Stacey and I had to leave. Homework was calling our names.

Every time I leave Harrisburg, I wonder why I'm leaving. I don't feel that way about any other place I have lived. It overwhelms me a little bit, because I have realized how much I love it there.

Stacey and I were talking about what we learned on the way back. Through the Honors Program, she was assigned to be my mentor, but it's been kinda vice versa--several times I have been the one to initiate activities... We went to Gift N Thrift together, to my grandparents for dinner, and then on this trip to Harrisburg. So it was funny, but serious, when I asked her, "What did you learn this weekend?"

The point of the trip was to explore the idea of doing the YES program , which was why I was slightly surprised by her answer. "I rediscovered why I'm going to school for education. I knew I wanted to do it, but I have been running away from the idea of finishing my education degree for awhile now. Those girls opened my eyes to the love of teaching again."
"What did you decide for YES then?" I knew, then, that she wouldn't be coming to YES with me next year.
"I definitely want to be a part of YES. I had a great time working with everybody this weekend. But I need to finish up my degree first. I have been running away from these circumstances surrounding me, and I figured out this weekend that 'for everything, there is a season.' I need to tough this season out so that I can be content in the next one."
I was encouraged by her willingness to push through this rougher season in her life. I have been there. I understand when it's like that, and I have to say that I would more likely to be the one running away from the situation. In some ways, I think I'm still running away from some situations. Broken friendships and relationships.
Then Stacey asked me, "What did you learn this weekend?"
I personally wasn't expecting this questions. I guess I'm too used to being the facilitator, rather than the learner. But either way, I did learn something.
"I learned that I can't wait to have kids. They are hysterical. I learned that I can't stand leaving Harrisburg every time I do. I knew this the first time I left, yet now I know that I belong there."
It's kind of like working at Camp. The staff are so close you can almost see the bonds between everyone, and it's only been two months in training. It's so tight and you grow so spiritually strong and grow in relationship with each other that there's this development between each person that is life-long strong. I know I will thrive in this type of situation. I'm motivated not to be the one on the outside anymore.
Somewhere along in the conversation, I was talking about Zach, who is also part of the training. I spoke about how it great it was to see him, how he was more cute than I remembered, and at the end, I mentioned something about the fact that I loved him, and Stacey followed up directly with, "Okay Grace, what is love?"
It was a good question. I said so. :)
"Love is when you can leave a visit and feel more beautiful than when you came. Love is undeserved compliments. Love is the trust two people have, knowing overall that they won't cheat. Love is challenging. Love is arguments and frowns, and sometimes bitter words. But love is also communication, smiles-- it's sweeter than candy. Love is knowing you really want to say something but not saying it because words can't really express. Love is saying the very words you feel, whether good or bad. Love is a homemade meal. You know it's love when it makes you better."
And for me, it's made me better.
I don't know the road ahead, but I know that today, now, I'm different than I was before I started dating Zach, and I'm glad for that.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Rebound

We were driving down the highway. It was cold and dark. The wipers weren't as fast as the drops attacking the car like piranhas. I was exhausted. The next road wasn't coming up fast enough. Finally, I saw it--passed it--looked back to the road. There was a red light, like the red eyes of an wild animal filled with rage. Three cars lined up obediently--in my lane--as I inevitably rushed toward them. I feebly attempted to brake. I slammed the pedal to the floor, begging for mercy. But the wheels had no remorse for their actions--and brutely ran into the white car in front of me.
Immediately the slightly burnt smell of powder filled up my nostrils, as an airbag was expelled and cushioned my face as I was jerked forward. I felt no pain. It hit me in slow motion. I hit another car. Things started to expand around me. The groans of shock, realization, and surprise of the friends in my car. The screams of unprepared fear of the passengers from the cars I had hit, as they got out of their blemished vehicles. They called the police right away. They called the ambulance right away as well.
It was a blur--I was in a zone. I hit another car. But it didn't hit me that I could have hurt another person. And yet the ambulance was coming for someone. It didn't look serious. Yet how am I to judge? I didn't see their faces.
There were people from Florida other places. They weren't from here. They had lives to get back to. Here I was stopping them from this.
As I stepped out the car, I was filled with the urge to commit my vomit to the ditch on the side of the road. I was shaky. I wasn't ready for this. This responsibility. I wanted to hand the phone of responsibility to somebody that could hold back tears and speak clearly. Yet, somehow I found that person inside of me as I spoke to my father, and to the policeman about what happened. I told it like it was. Fear left me, but worry overcame my thoughts. Where do I go from here? There was no more transportation. Our uncle came, drove an hour and a half out to come get us. There was no more Daewoo. We'll be fine & do without. Anna can borrow someone else's car. I don't have to go to Harrisburg this weekend for relaxation.
I cannot tell you how hard it is to worry. I don't know if the people whose cars I hit are going to press charges, or if they are going to let me be. I don't know if I'm going to have to go to Whitacre to get the tags of my car, or if there's something else I can do. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep well. I don't know if I'm going to bruise or not.
I feel like I'll be able to drive. I just feel like I've lost the trust of anyone who might have lended me their car at some point. I'm fine physically. But I can't handle the fact that there are factors that will hit me tomorrow. I'm going to get a phone call. I'm going to have to make phone calls. I may have to go to court.
Ellie said she prayed when it started getting more rainy and the roads more curvy. What if she hadn't? Anna said she thought about not wearing her seatbelt because she was in the middle. What if she hadn't? These thoughts overcome my mind.

Where am I in this mess of the future?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Meaning Behind the Meaning

So random funny weird story. We were sitting at dinner tonight, ragged. Bodner had gotten ten hourse of sleep in the past 72, and we were nagging him to go sleepy sleep, but he kept trying to lasso the Vault I had taken away from him with his lanyard... Anyway, Deanna was being random.
This is normal, mind you.
Deanna: "My nose itches. What does that mean?"
Me: (rather short thought process involving no thought) "It means you are horny."
Grace: "Wait, What?"
Me: "No. Don't listen to what I just said."
Deanna: "Really?"
Grace: "I think it means someone's thinking about you. And when your ear itches, that means someone's talking about you."
Deanna: "(to me) Wow Grace. (referring to my answer) So what's it mean when your whole face is itchy?"
Grace: "It means you want to have sex."
Me: "I thought that's what 'horny' meant."

Sorry if this is a little too blunt for your thought process. I thought you might enjoy some of the ways that freshman college students destress during midterms.... Meaning Vault, lack of sleep, nonsense, and more nonsense.

Today was great though. I got a care package (my first one, hem hem) from West Clinton Mennonite. Hallelujah! Though I don't need more food. I also got ACCEPTED INTO WASHINGTON COMMUNITY SCHOLARS CENTER!! So I'm going to DC next semester! That's quite the blessing. I really needed to do something and so far, this has been great, along with the YES thing that I am applying for.

I went to Gift and Thrift with Ellie today and went a little crazy with the yarn and crafts supplies. I am determined to make a scarf that is better than the ones that you can buy at the store and for less money. I also bought some clay for making jewelry, which my sister and I are going to do over break! I'm stoked!

Stacey is thinking about doing YES with me and I am so excited about this idea. I don't know where God is leading her, but I do know that she and I have connected really well in the few months that we have known each other, and as she is my mentor, and lives in the same area as I do, we could very well connect even more awesomely if she came to YES with me.

Speaking of current YES participants, I received a much needed surprising phone call from a very wonderful person last night. Zach was super excited to hear that I was applying for YES for next year and also that I was listening to God. I could tell by what he spoke about and what his thought processes were that he's growing so much in God, and in everything around him. He's much deeper, more contemplative. But worried about gaining weight. Oh Zach. Go run.

Running. Has been wonderful. I feel like going now, but that would call for very much lack of sleep, so I will be satisfied with running tomorrow morning I hope.

God is amazing over all. That's the lesson for this week. I'm so thankful for each person I have met and connected with and each friendship made.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

AHH! The answer!


I finally know what I want to do.
I finally know what I need to do.
I finally know what GOD's plan is!

My good friend Stacey and I went to the Financial Aid Office and found out that we can keep our Honors scholarship if we take a year off. We keep it for the eight semesters which we attend.
So this means I can take a year off! This means I can do YES and discover where God is calling me to!
My excuse for doing an alternative to the CrossCulturals at EMU--if I go to YES, and I do it (WOO! I'm so excited about this!) Then afterward, I know that God can call me to continue with that kind of thing. I can continue working in that field, and not go back to college. And all the college I will have needed for my life is this first year of school.
But if God has put in me the passion of what I need to do and that I need to go back to EMU to get a degree to do it, then I will have motivation to do it!
Because I WILL have passion to do the process and I want to reach the outcome.
The part that I am most anxious about is whether I should stop at the end of this semester and GO and DO. If you read this, please pray that I will have Ultimate Guidance, as I step out of this box that no longer defines me and start walking with new legs and open eyes.
Pray that:
I have good timing for when I should start to GO and DO.
-Because I feel like service should be what I do, and I feel like I'm not doing service right now.
--I feel like I would be wasting the money to be here if I stay and want to be anywhere but here.

Monday, October 19, 2009

And, I'm slightly torn apart

But how can one be slightly torn apart. You either are or you are not.
As you can imagine, my life is spiraling to some whereabouts I haven't even imagined.
There are several issues that I have started to come to terms with that I'm finding that I'm passionate about.
The environment. What can I do to make it better? Is there anyway to recycle everything that I've been using? What can I do to raise awareness to those around me to see what we can do to save the world around us?
The church. How can I help people see that we should stop spending money on renovations for church, but instead use it in tangible ways to help those with less than us. Those orphans, aliens, widows, and poor people. How can I be content with the large church environment? With more people comes more finances to help other people, yet we are using it for the building. How can I not feel like a hypocrite for attending this church?
In my own life. What can I do to be able to stand having months of distance between me and my family, between Zach and I? How can I stand not going back to the place I once called home... where true friends do live, I just ignore that part when I reminisce?
School. How can I study when I want to serve people? To give my friends a break and find a way to make them smile, even though I find my own studies mounting up higher and higher? How can I start to show responsibilty to the obligations and money that I have put into this place which I am residing? Why am I second guessing coming to college with the desire to GO! and DO! and be a part of the difference?
What can I do to find peace in it all? What can I do to make myself feel like I am not a failure in the things I strive to do for others? How can I feel like I'm doing and know that I belong here for now, when I feel like I'm being called to be everywhere else?
Ugh.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Quite A Thought Process





So for Ruling Ideas, there is a project in which all Honors students challenge themselves by giving up something, as to become more of a lantern and less of a flashlight. (seeing all different perspectives rather than just one.) One of the girls in the Honors program was in Cedarwood last night stir-frying onions, and I asked why. She said that for her Honors project, she was eating only local foods for two weeks. I was highly impressed by this, especially because she was starting early, and second because she was eating all local foods for two weeks! But not to be behind on anything, especially the class where I am most likely to be held to a high standard because of the type of person I am, I decided to start my challenge, though I couldn't decide what to do. As I was processing it, a friend suggested giving up Facebook, but I had already done that this spring for Lent. Last night as I went to bed, the last thought that I had was to do something to help the environment. Last year my fifth cousin Katie went vegetarian for five days because of the water used in processing meat, and also took shorter showers and made points to not leave the water running or waste water. So what I am doing, in the process of doing, anyway, is going to be to not throw anything away for two weeks. Even though I think the time frame that we are required to do something like this is only five days. So I started this morning. I saved the wrapper from my granola bar and left it on my desk for later. Then when I was cleaning my room later, I decided to empty my trash from previous days, only to get a fresh start with what I was doing. And then I took all the trash that I accumulated and started using it to decorate my room. Note that most of my trash is actually paper. I decided not to recycle anything, because I'm more focusing on the "reduce" and "reuse". Those never seem to get as much fame as their buddy "recycle" anyhow. So I reused my extra papers, for here out referred to as "trash". I made snowflakes, and random collages, and also a rather interesting flower. It is really helping me become aware of the oblivious moments where I use paper way too much. I put one of my towels in the bathroom to dry my hands and my face on so that I don't use a multitude of paper towels. I forced myself not take napkins after I already took one, (which I gave to my friend. *Sharing is Caring.*) Anyway, so I was processing this whole idea in my journal, as it's good to take notes when doing an experiment, though on yourself.
I got off on this lovely tangent. At the beginning, you'll find some material that repeats itself a little from what I have already written, but it's all needed to induce what I came up with.
Here it goes:
Day One:
The hardest part may be that I am eating & there's plastic packaging around said food. I'm going to figure out how to reuse said packaging. So far I was cleaning my room & I took the previous trash down to the trash room. Then from today, I took the trash that I accumulated from today & made various decoration in my room--a collage, some snowflakes (note that I used all the little snippets as well! I did not throw them away!). Some of them look rather nice, besides the wording from the church bulletin.
I am not a pack rat, but not throwing anything away will be difficult, I can't keep the gloves I wore in Chemistry Lab. Or can I ?
There's been several mess-ups so far--I took a napkin at lunch, then justified it by giving it to Bekah to use. Napkins can be shared. I have to start using my own towel to dry my hands in the bathroom. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my chewed gum after I've already found something creative to do with my gum wrapper. I don't want to want a snack because then I will have to find something to do with each individual piece of plastic. Making tea would be interesting. What can one do with a tea bad after it has been used?
I'm also deciding to wear all the clothes I have that were previously in my laundry basket twice so that they are actually worn before they are washed.
Reusing things is so important in this society, where it is unAmerican to reuse paper towels. What is up with that? In the book, "On that day everybody ate," (also read for Honors), it describes a woman who used a fourth of a cotton ball to remove the fingernail polish for all of her fingers. I tried that the other day. I succeeded with two quarters of a cotton ball for my ten fingers. Is it really relevant to use as much as we use just to superficially look nice or smell nice or to be clean or to be creative? If we just look at our resources now, the world around us, the trash in every can, there are so many options to have art and expression in the things people throw away.
Why do things need to be individually wrapped? Because people don't want their fun size bars to melt together because they accidently left them in the car for too long. I think that simple changes could be made & less plastic used. So other things could be made in the time & with the money it took to individually wrap chocolates. Or granola bars. Save plastic, save money, save time, save the world.
Another thin I am aware of within this first day. I have the option to buy something, but as I have that option, then comes something that I have to throw away. Extra paper, plastic bottles, metal twist ties to secure some item. Not only am I buying an electronic toothbrush (for example), but I'm buying the stiff shrink-wrapped plastic exoskeleton that comes with it. I'm buying the flashy, name-branded shiny paper cardboard that comes on the inside. That paper can be recycled, but can the plastic encasing it? And what are the odds that a person will remove the paper from the plastic with the goal of recycling both items?
Are there alternatives? Maybe. Are they mainstream and way up there with the big shots form Walmart? No way. One would have to hear about it in the first place to actually know of a packaging that would be recyclable. Are there reliable alternatives to the things in life use,d with the certainty that they will never decompose, like rubber tires? And what can be done with styrofoam? People make track and field tracks out of old tires, but they still aren't decomposing. There's little pieces of styrofoam in potting soil(at least, that's what I think it is) but they are just being ground into little pieces, and the truth of the matter is that trying to break down the chemical compound involving either styrofoam or tires would make more toxic fumes, doing more harm than good. But don't they make toxic fumes when created? So why on earth are we creating them? Especially when we cannot get rid of them or reuse them in the same way without the same effect of consequences. Why aren't companies pursuing "green" tires and styrofoam? Why is packaging so important?
Is mass production & reliance on machines to deliver breakable items going to cause the world ot overheat because there is so much nonperishable cushioning material? People should care more. Then we can be more careful as we deliver. If we actually car about what is being carried, it is less likely to be broken. (People don't drop puppies or babies. Not that we want to think of technology or lamps in those terms. ) Thus, it is less likely to need massive amounts of packaging. because of this, there is less of a need for styrofoam to pad something that won't be dropped, thus not broken. (If something is broken, yes, I understand people won't buy it. And that messes with businesses and profits and peoples' salaries etc... Yeah, yeah I get the poing. So don't make items of demand breakable. Find ways to make things pretty much indestructable. LEt the design of the item overcompensate for itself so it doesn't need packaging)
Within the advance of technology, it is more important that the item is stable and made for humans, considering that humans use it, and it should be able to be dropped and still function. If a user can drop an item while in ownership of it and the item still work, then why does it need packaging to "protect" it? It's already protected! (yes, I realize that for some people, it's all about the image, and if it's scratched, they won't like it. Stop crying. Is it still functioning like you want it to? Stop whining!) If it can be dropped when someone uses it, then it can be dropped while being shipped. There's no need for styrofoam! No one EVER sees average Joe's Mom walking around, carrying her purse, cell phone, and car around in styrofoam casing! (No one ever sees average Joe's mom carrying her car in general... but you get the point!)
To reduce the use of tires, one has to reduce the use of cars. With using tires, people can save a lot more money by switching to riding a bicycle. They still have tires, but much smaller tires. Bikes also use a lot less to no fossil fuels (depends on if one is riding a motorcycle.) It takes a lot more time to bike places. And it's more difficult to carry wide screen TVs home from the store. So don't buy one. It's a waste of electricity anyway. Besides, if one is making a lifestyle of vastly biking, there won't be much time for sitting around and watching TV anyway. Too busy running errands.
We don't need it all, really.
Live simply. By the way, after my experiment, perhaps I will "get rid" of things that I do not use or need, by way of a thrift store, using a resource with the ability to "reuse" things I no longer use. As for "reducing", I'm sure that being aware will bring forth an eager mindset to use less and make more of what I already have. For what I already have is more than many would ever dream of. So I'll give it away.
That's all I have to say about that.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Everyday I Would Spend with you.

My daddy came to visit this past weekend. It was homecoming weekend at school, and so a lot of people's parents came to visit. He came down on Thursday, riding with a perspective/ future student from the area where my family lives now. We all went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner, and that was a great relaxing half a minute before I had to go back to my dorm and attempt to finish writing a biology lab report. That went okay, considering that I started it earlier, no matter that what I'd written before was completely bogus, I was just just brainstorming. I started working at 8:30 and finished at twelve. Not something I want to do again. I'm going to work to pay attention to what needs to be done AHEAD of time...
It was great to visit my grandparents, because I feel I've been too busy to walk to the mile over to their house and just relax for another half a minute. It helped to be there. I got to doze on their couch for a second and I was rather thankful that I got to be comfortably placed in a familiar home. (Another time I've been able to do that was within my trip to HDC, a weekend or so ago, when I stayed with the Epps, and that was really like home.) When I got back to school, I was relaxed enough to be able to write that paper, knowing that I'd finish while my mind was still sharp, and I'd get a good night of sleep.
On Friday, I went through class well, though wanting to see Daddy as it was, I still attended all my classes, though tempted by Phillip with the Ethics of skipping Ethics. It was an important lecture to attend, which I spent writing a letter and stopping to read a long passage Scripture so that I was paying enough attention to get a little of what my teacher was talking about. And really, every time I read, it's not about hearing my voice. It's about expanding my abilities to be able to read better in front of more people.
After all my classes, I walked over to Anna's apartment and Daddy, Anna, and I all went to Xenia, a chic Mediterranean resturaunt with delicious pita bread and Dolma. We shared a two person meal. It was just enough to want more. But we stopped ourselves. we got to pick two sauces--one dad picked and I picked one--the Pineapple with Horseradish. Anna wrinkled her nose at that idea, but I was intrigued. And was it good. It was sweet but then, pow!, it was hot too! After our meal, we were paying the check, and a young, stout man hustles into the resturaunt and asks for a menu. The camo vest gave it away though, it was our Uncle Joe! Daddy called out his name, and he looked over at us, not sure what to think, as Dad stood up and gave him a hug. I gave him one too, and it was great to see him as we were around town. He left without saying much, but as he crossed the busy street outside the doors, Dad glimpsed him "directing traffic". He ran out to the middle of the road, and then jabbed his hand into the air in the direction of the oncoming vehicles, one right, one left. And then, as quickly as he went into "traffic Policeman" mode, he ran across the street to his waiting ride. He's hilarious. It has been fun retelling that story.
On Saturday, I braided several people's hair (We hung up a sign that said Hair Braiding Within, because "within" is so much cooler sounding than "inside"), did a little studying, and cleaned my room. When I went to the cafeteria for brunch, I accidentally tossed my salad onto my friend Grace and then proceeded to have a hysterical laugh while cleaning it up.
Then in the evening, I got back together with Dad and Anna. Dad and I went out to Food Lion and got provisions for a salad. While there, I was taking a peek into the carbonated beverage aisle and I found a three liter of diet Food Lion cola for $1.29! I was so ecstastic that I was laughing when I found Daddy and told him. It made me really happy...
We went to Organic Grounds and I got Coffee Crunch Mocha and it was awesome. Their smalls are so large. :) It made me really happy. There were gourds on the tables for decorations, and I decided to do some balancing awesomeness. It was pretty fun. It was challenging and a good conversation as well. Daddy was reminding me that he and Mom will support me in whatever career I choose. And also to remind me to go "Steady. Steady. Pace. Pace." So one things I've been trying to do everyday is do something that destresses me. I ran on Sunday night, and I ran tonight. We didn't run as long, but it was faster and good.
I brought a bunch of my friends over to Anna's apartment for pizza, salad, and pop. We had a great time with Kendall and Anna and Daddy. It was great. We played the color game when someone burped. We just had a hilarious time. Bodner is in love with both my dad and my boyfriend. Not really, of course. He just thinks they are awesome.
On Sunday we all went to church at Ridgeway. It was awesome. I had a great time.
The visit was great. I was relaxed. I'm not too worried about Biology. It's good.