they were all egotistical, and in reality, any blog post I write soley so that other people can see my thoughts is self centered. But there's not wrong in processing thoughts, yearnings, and other things.
Recent "blog posts" I have thought of writing include: Why I won't pluck my eyebrows (hint: there are little eyes watching me now), How I need to die to self more, Why this house isn't clean (ok, I made that one up, but I was looking at our living room as I sit on my butt typing).
I will devote a small paragraph to each of these before these thought flicker out, if i can get them out before Naisa has a freak out moment (I'm waiting for her to fall asleep for nap time, but she might need some more milk).
so what was I going to write about originally? My yearning to travel and do mission work, my desire to have less responsibility (on occasion), and to be less needed). Yesterday Naisa and I were outside getting some vitamin D (20 minutes a day, baby! We're prepping for the beach). and I saw a young woman walking her dogs, in exercise clothing. There was no baby in a carrier, no milk in her breasts, no nap to get back at the end of. All she had to do was walk those dogs, get some exercise herself. She could even run too, if she wanted, because there were not thirty extra pounds hanging out on her hips (not that I cannot run with these thirty extra pounds, it's just harder to do longer distances. right now. when I haven't run since the end of June. yep).
And I was longing for less responsibility. I could get a job. Help other people.
COME ON, GRACE! WHAT ARE YOU ALREADY DOING??
It's a nice poke in the gut to be reminded that this sweet sweet child is my job and the one that needs me the most. If I went to a job elsewhere, I would just want to be with her, longing to be with her while I was gone, anxiety spiking as my chest would get heavy. And I would have other responsibility. Silly me. It's all about me. NO IT"S NOT.
I'm constantly humbled as I try to figure out what I want, what I'm yearning for, and what I think I should be doing. I should be breastfeeding, but we didn't have the gumption to get Naisa's tongue tie fixed in time. I should have lost most weight, rather than maintaining these last eight months. But what are all these things about? Me. Stop. Stop. Stop.
God knows that I wanted to do these things. He knows how hard it has been for me to pump. He knows how much of a challenge it has been to adjust from being "independent" to being "depended on." But He knows it's GOOD for me. It's for the GOOD WORK that He's doing. Grace, stop being Jonah! Get with the program. Do the work and will of God as He calls you, giving with joy!
I know, I know, I know! There are so many things I wouldn't have been able to experience or do if I had a job, or graduated without a bump in the road, or we didn't have Naisa so soon. These things I HAVE experienced because I have been pregnant, I've been home, I've been in this neighborhood and this apartment. Time with friends, and making new friends, being held accountable and holding other people accountable. Babysitting new people's kids and getting to know them!
I think that I just need to change my attitude and wake up on the right side of the bed (today I woke up angry. I've been praying for peace. it's coming, it's coming.)
I'm stuck on me. I'm stuck on the things I still think I need to do. Maybe I will do them, but they will be done differently than I imagined. And I have new things I yearn to do. But they will be different than I imagined them as well. Like when we travel. We will have one (or more) in tow, coming along for the ride, doing different things than Ben and I would have done just us. When/if we do mission work in another country, it will be different. When/if I get a chance to work at camp again, it will be different.
Different isn't bad, different can be good, but ultimately, different is just different.
What needs to die? What part of me is worldly and holding on to "dreams"? Dreams that are worldly and desires of success in this world in ways that are not glorifying to God. Fame has been a past dream of mine, with music and songs. I just want to reach people with God's love, but recently I recognized that the music neither needs to bring fame or money to touch people. It's part of giving to receive. Let me bless others so that I can live more abundantly! The more I grow closer to God, the more I see that any dream to become famous can be of Satan, and more times than not it is, because it's about me, it's about what I can do and what I can make, not what God can do and make. If what we're doing isn't prioritizing spreading the Gospel to other people, is it of God? no. No. It's not.
-My worries with my appearance/reading pre-pregnancy weight/exercising everyday--these are all about me, now, not me, later. Does it matter in the long term, as in eternal? no, not really. But as we hone and tone our relationship with God, and it hampers what I do for him, does it mean it could be something I need to pay attention to? Yes, but the most important thing is growing close to Him in the process.
Father God it's hard to be
Strong in You in lukewarm water
God I pray that I would seek
Only your right words to speak
We don't know when is our final step
Or when we'll take Our last breath
But i know for sure where I'll be
if I don't let Christ work in me
So be bold and open your mouth!
God's love is here make sure it's loud!
We are called to reach out
Not enclose ourselves
Are you ready for judgement day?
We've got a path to take
And if we're standing still
All we have is sinking sand
And if we forget
To let God speak
Our tongues will leave malicious streak
Seek His work everyday
Take the focus off of self
