Rebound

We were driving down the highway. It was cold and dark. The wipers weren't as fast as the drops attacking the car like piranhas. I was exhausted. The next road wasn't coming up fast enough. Finally, I saw it--passed it--looked back to the road. There was a red light, like the red eyes of an wild animal filled with rage. Three cars lined up obediently--in my lane--as I inevitably rushed toward them. I feebly attempted to brake. I slammed the pedal to the floor, begging for mercy. But the wheels had no remorse for their actions--and brutely ran into the white car in front of me.

Immediately the slightly burnt smell of powder filled up my nostrils, as an airbag was expelled and cushioned my face as I was jerked forward. I felt no pain. It hit me in slow motion. I hit another car. Things started to expand around me. The groans of shock, realization, and surprise of the friends in my car. The screams of unprepared fear of the passengers from the cars I had hit, as they got out of their blemished vehicles. They called the police right away. They called the ambulance right away as well.

It was a blur--I was in a zone. I hit another car. But it didn't hit me that I could have hurt another person. And yet the ambulance was coming for someone. It didn't look serious. Yet how am I to judge? I didn't see their faces.

There were people from Florida other places. They weren't from here. They had lives to get back to. Here I was stopping them from this.

As I stepped out the car, I was filled with the urge to commit my vomit to the ditch on the side of the road. I was shaky. I wasn't ready for this. This responsibility. I wanted to hand the phone of responsibility to somebody that could hold back tears and speak clearly. Yet, somehow I found that person inside of me as I spoke to my father, and to the policeman about what happened. I told it like it was. Fear left me, but worry overcame my thoughts. Where do I go from here? There was no more transportation. Our uncle came, drove an hour and a half out to come get us. There was no more Daewoo. We'll be fine & do without. Anna can borrow someone else's car. I don't have to go to Harrisburg this weekend for relaxation.

I cannot tell you how hard it is to worry. I don't know if the people whose cars I hit are going to press charges, or if they are going to let me be. I don't know if I'm going to have to go to Whitacre to get the tags of my car, or if there's something else I can do. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep well. I don't know if I'm going to bruise or not.

I feel like I'll be able to drive. I just feel like I've lost the trust of anyone who might have lended me their car at some point. I'm fine physically. But I can't handle the fact that there are factors that will hit me tomorrow. I'm going to get a phone call. I'm going to have to make phone calls. I may have to go to court.

Ellie said she prayed when it started getting more rainy and the roads more curvy. What if she hadn't? Anna said she thought about not wearing her seatbelt because she was in the middle. What if she hadn't? These thoughts overcome my mind.

Where am I in this mess of the future?

The Meaning Behind the Meaning

So random funny weird story. We were sitting at dinner tonight, ragged. Bodner had gotten ten hourse of sleep in the past 72, and we were nagging him to go sleepy sleep, but he kept trying to lasso the Vault I had taken away from him with his lanyard... Anyway, Deanna was being random.

This is normal, mind you.

Deanna: "My nose itches. What does that mean?"

Me: (rather short thought process involving no thought) "It means you are horny."

Grace: "Wait, What?"

Me: "No. Don't listen to what I just said."

Deanna: "Really?"

Grace: "I think it means someone's thinking about you. And when your ear itches, that means someone's talking about you."

Deanna: "(to me) Wow Grace. (referring to my answer) So what's it mean when your whole face is itchy?"

Grace: "It means you want to have sex."

Me: "I thought that's what 'horny' meant."

Sorry if this is a little too blunt for your thought process. I thought you might enjoy some of the ways that freshman college students destress during midterms.... Meaning Vault, lack of sleep, nonsense, and more nonsense.

Today was great though. I got a care package (my first one, hem hem) from West Clinton Mennonite. Hallelujah! Though I don't need more food. I also got ACCEPTED INTO WASHINGTON COMMUNITY SCHOLARS CENTER!! So I'm going to DC next semester! That's quite the blessing. I really needed to do something and so far, this has been great, along with the YES thing that I am applying for.

I went to Gift and Thrift with Ellie today and went a little crazy with the yarn and crafts supplies. I am determined to make a scarf that is better than the ones that you can buy at the store and for less money. I also bought some clay for making jewelry, which my sister and I are going to do over break! I'm stoked!

Stacey is thinking about doing YES with me and I am so excited about this idea. I don't know where God is leading her, but I do know that she and I have connected really well in the few months that we have known each other, and as she is my mentor, and lives in the same area as I do, we could very well connect even more awesomely if she came to YES with me.

Speaking of current YES participants, I received a much needed surprising phone call from a very wonderful person last night. Zach was super excited to hear that I was applying for YES for next year and also that I was listening to God. I could tell by what he spoke about and what his thought processes were that he's growing so much in God, and in everything around him. He's much deeper, more contemplative. But worried about gaining weight. Oh Zach. Go run.

Running. Has been wonderful. I feel like going now, but that would call for very much lack of sleep, so I will be satisfied with running tomorrow morning I hope.

God is amazing over all. That's the lesson for this week. I'm so thankful for each person I have met and connected with and each friendship made.

AHH! The answer!

I finally know what I want to do.

I finally know what I need to do.

I finally know what GOD's plan is!

My good friend Stacey and I went to the Financial Aid Office and found out that we can keep our Honors scholarship if we take a year off. We keep it for the eight semesters which we attend.

So this means I can take a year off! This means I can do YES and discover where God is calling me to!

My excuse for doing an alternative to the CrossCulturals at EMU--if I go to YES, and I do it (WOO! I'm so excited about this!) Then afterward, I know that God can call me to continue with that kind of thing. I can continue working in that field, and not go back to college. And all the college I will have needed for my life is this first year of school.

But if God has put in me the passion of what I need to do and that I need to go back to EMU to get a degree to do it, then I will have motivation to do it!

Because I WILL have passion to do the process and I want to reach the outcome.

The part that I am most anxious about is whether I should stop at the end of this semester and GO and DO. If you read this, please pray that I will have Ultimate Guidance, as I step out of this box that no longer defines me and start walking with new legs and open eyes.

Pray that:

I have good timing for when I should start to GO and DO.

-Because I feel like service should be what I do, and I feel like I'm not doing service right now.

--I feel like I would be wasting the money to be here if I stay and want to be anywhere but here.

And, I'm slightly torn apart

But how can one be slightly torn apart. You either are or you are not.

As you can imagine, my life is spiraling to some whereabouts I haven't even imagined.

There are several issues that I have started to come to terms with that I'm finding that I'm passionate about.

The environment. What can I do to make it better? Is there anyway to recycle everything that I've been using? What can I do to raise awareness to those around me to see what we can do to save the world around us?

The church. How can I help people see that we should stop spending money on renovations for church, but instead use it in tangible ways to help those with less than us. Those orphans, aliens, widows, and poor people. How can I be content with the large church environment? With more people comes more finances to help other people, yet we are using it for the building. How can I not feel like a hypocrite for attending this church?

In my own life. What can I do to be able to stand having months of distance between me and my family, between Zach and I? How can I stand not going back to the place I once called home... where true friends do live, I just ignore that part when I reminisce?

School. How can I study when I want to serve people? To give my friends a break and find a way to make them smile, even though I find my own studies mounting up higher and higher? How can I start to show responsibilty to the obligations and money that I have put into this place which I am residing? Why am I second guessing coming to college with the desire to GO! and DO! and be a part of the difference?

What can I do to find peace in it all? What can I do to make myself feel like I am not a failure in the things I strive to do for others? How can I feel like I'm doing and know that I belong here for now, when I feel like I'm being called to be everywhere else?

Ugh.

Quite A Thought Process

So for Ruling Ideas, there is a project in which all Honors students challenge themselves by giving up something, as to become more of a lantern and less of a flashlight. (seeing all different perspectives rather than just one.) One of the girls in the Honors program was in Cedarwood last night stir-frying onions, and I asked why. She said that for her Honors project, she was eating only local foods for two weeks. I was highly impressed by this, especially because she was starting early, and second because she was eating all local foods for two weeks! But not to be behind on anything, especially the class where I am most likely to be held to a high standard because of the type of person I am, I decided to start my challenge, though I couldn't decide what to do. As I was processing it, a friend suggested giving up Facebook, but I had already done that this spring for Lent. Last night as I went to bed, the last thought that I had was to do something to help the environment. Last year my fifth cousin Katie went vegetarian for five days because of the water used in processing meat, and also took shorter showers and made points to not leave the water running or waste water. So what I am doing, in the process of doing, anyway, is going to be to not throw anything away for two weeks. Even though I think the time frame that we are required to do something like this is only five days. So I started this morning. I saved the wrapper from my granola bar and left it on my desk for later. Then when I was cleaning my room later, I decided to empty my trash from previous days, only to get a fresh start with what I was doing. And then I took all the trash that I accumulated and started using it to decorate my room. Note that most of my trash is actually paper. I decided not to recycle anything, because I'm more focusing on the "reduce" and "reuse". Those never seem to get as much fame as their buddy "recycle" anyhow. So I reused my extra papers, for here out referred to as "trash". I made snowflakes, and random collages, and also a rather interesting flower. It is really helping me become aware of the oblivious moments where I use paper way too much. I put one of my towels in the bathroom to dry my hands and my face on so that I don't use a multitude of paper towels. I forced myself not take napkins after I already took one, (which I gave to my friend. *Sharing is Caring.*) Anyway, so I was processing this whole idea in my journal, as it's good to take notes when doing an experiment, though on yourself.

I got off on this lovely tangent. At the beginning, you'll find some material that repeats itself a little from what I have already written, but it's all needed to induce what I came up with.

Here it goes:

Day One:

The hardest part may be that I am eating & there's plastic packaging around said food. I'm going to figure out how to reuse said packaging. So far I was cleaning my room & I took the previous trash down to the trash room. Then from today, I took the trash that I accumulated from today & made various decoration in my room--a collage, some snowflakes (note that I used all the little snippets as well! I did not throw them away!). Some of them look rather nice, besides the wording from the church bulletin.

I am not a pack rat, but not throwing anything away will be difficult, I can't keep the gloves I wore in Chemistry Lab. Or can I ?

There's been several mess-ups so far--I took a napkin at lunch, then justified it by giving it to Bekah to use. Napkins can be shared. I have to start using my own towel to dry my hands in the bathroom. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my chewed gum after I've already found something creative to do with my gum wrapper. I don't want to want a snack because then I will have to find something to do with each individual piece of plastic. Making tea would be interesting. What can one do with a tea bad after it has been used?

I'm also deciding to wear all the clothes I have that were previously in my laundry basket twice so that they are actually worn before they are washed.

Reusing things is so important in this society, where it is unAmerican to reuse paper towels. What is up with that? In the book, "On that day everybody ate," (also read for Honors), it describes a woman who used a fourth of a cotton ball to remove the fingernail polish for all of her fingers. I tried that the other day. I succeeded with two quarters of a cotton ball for my ten fingers. Is it really relevant to use as much as we use just to superficially look nice or smell nice or to be clean or to be creative? If we just look at our resources now, the world around us, the trash in every can, there are so many options to have art and expression in the things people throw away.

Why do things need to be individually wrapped? Because people don't want their fun size bars to melt together because they accidently left them in the car for too long. I think that simple changes could be made & less plastic used. So other things could be made in the time & with the money it took to individually wrap chocolates. Or granola bars. Save plastic, save money, save time, save the world.

Another thin I am aware of within this first day. I have the option to buy something, but as I have that option, then comes something that I have to throw away. Extra paper, plastic bottles, metal twist ties to secure some item. Not only am I buying an electronic toothbrush (for example), but I'm buying the stiff shrink-wrapped plastic exoskeleton that comes with it. I'm buying the flashy, name-branded shiny paper cardboard that comes on the inside. That paper can be recycled, but can the plastic encasing it? And what are the odds that a person will remove the paper from the plastic with the goal of recycling both items?

Are there alternatives? Maybe. Are they mainstream and way up there with the big shots form Walmart? No way. One would have to hear about it in the first place to actually know of a packaging that would be recyclable. Are there reliable alternatives to the things in life use,d with the certainty that they will never decompose, like rubber tires? And what can be done with styrofoam? People make track and field tracks out of old tires, but they still aren't decomposing. There's little pieces of styrofoam in potting soil(at least, that's what I think it is) but they are just being ground into little pieces, and the truth of the matter is that trying to break down the chemical compound involving either styrofoam or tires would make more toxic fumes, doing more harm than good. But don't they make toxic fumes when created? So why on earth are we creating them? Especially when we cannot get rid of them or reuse them in the same way without the same effect of consequences. Why aren't companies pursuing "green" tires and styrofoam? Why is packaging so important?

Is mass production & reliance on machines to deliver breakable items going to cause the world ot overheat because there is so much nonperishable cushioning material? People should care more. Then we can be more careful as we deliver. If we actually car about what is being carried, it is less likely to be broken. (People don't drop puppies or babies. Not that we want to think of technology or lamps in those terms. ) Thus, it is less likely to need massive amounts of packaging. because of this, there is less of a need for styrofoam to pad something that won't be dropped, thus not broken. (If something is broken, yes, I understand people won't buy it. And that messes with businesses and profits and peoples' salaries etc... Yeah, yeah I get the poing. So don't make items of demand breakable. Find ways to make things pretty much indestructable. LEt the design of the item overcompensate for itself so it doesn't need packaging)

Within the advance of technology, it is more important that the item is stable and made for humans, considering that humans use it, and it should be able to be dropped and still function. If a user can drop an item while in ownership of it and the item still work, then why does it need packaging to "protect" it? It's already protected! (yes, I realize that for some people, it's all about the image, and if it's scratched, they won't like it. Stop crying. Is it still functioning like you want it to? Stop whining!) If it can be dropped when someone uses it, then it can be dropped while being shipped. There's no need for styrofoam! No one EVER sees average Joe's Mom walking around, carrying her purse, cell phone, and car around in styrofoam casing! (No one ever sees average Joe's mom carrying her car in general... but you get the point!)

To reduce the use of tires, one has to reduce the use of cars. With using tires, people can save a lot more money by switching to riding a bicycle. They still have tires, but much smaller tires. Bikes also use a lot less to no fossil fuels (depends on if one is riding a motorcycle.) It takes a lot more time to bike places. And it's more difficult to carry wide screen TVs home from the store. So don't buy one. It's a waste of electricity anyway. Besides, if one is making a lifestyle of vastly biking, there won't be much time for sitting around and watching TV anyway. Too busy running errands.

We don't need it all, really.

Live simply. By the way, after my experiment, perhaps I will "get rid" of things that I do not use or need, by way of a thrift store, using a resource with the ability to "reuse" things I no longer use. As for "reducing", I'm sure that being aware will bring forth an eager mindset to use less and make more of what I already have. For what I already have is more than many would ever dream of. So I'll give it away.

That's all I have to say about that.

Everyday I Would Spend with you.

My daddy came to visit this past weekend. It was homecoming weekend at school, and so a lot of people's parents came to visit. He came down on Thursday, riding with a perspective/ future student from the area where my family lives now. We all went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner, and that was a great relaxing half a minute before I had to go back to my dorm and attempt to finish writing a biology lab report. That went okay, considering that I started it earlier, no matter that what I'd written before was completely bogus, I was just just brainstorming. I started working at 8:30 and finished at twelve. Not something I want to do again. I'm going to work to pay attention to what needs to be done AHEAD of time...

It was great to visit my grandparents, because I feel I've been too busy to walk to the mile over to their house and just relax for another half a minute. It helped to be there. I got to doze on their couch for a second and I was rather thankful that I got to be comfortably placed in a familiar home. (Another time I've been able to do that was within my trip to HDC, a weekend or so ago, when I stayed with the Epps, and that was really like home.) When I got back to school, I was relaxed enough to be able to write that paper, knowing that I'd finish while my mind was still sharp, and I'd get a good night of sleep.

On Friday, I went through class well, though wanting to see Daddy as it was, I still attended all my classes, though tempted by Phillip with the Ethics of skipping Ethics. It was an important lecture to attend, which I spent writing a letter and stopping to read a long passage Scripture so that I was paying enough attention to get a little of what my teacher was talking about. And really, every time I read, it's not about hearing my voice. It's about expanding my abilities to be able to read better in front of more people.

After all my classes, I walked over to Anna's apartment and Daddy, Anna, and I all went to Xenia, a chic Mediterranean resturaunt with delicious pita bread and Dolma. We shared a two person meal. It was just enough to want more. But we stopped ourselves. we got to pick two sauces--one dad picked and I picked one--the Pineapple with Horseradish. Anna wrinkled her nose at that idea, but I was intrigued. And was it good. It was sweet but then, pow!, it was hot too! After our meal, we were paying the check, and a young, stout man hustles into the resturaunt and asks for a menu. The camo vest gave it away though, it was our Uncle Joe! Daddy called out his name, and he looked over at us, not sure what to think, as Dad stood up and gave him a hug. I gave him one too, and it was great to see him as we were around town. He left without saying much, but as he crossed the busy street outside the doors, Dad glimpsed him "directing traffic". He ran out to the middle of the road, and then jabbed his hand into the air in the direction of the oncoming vehicles, one right, one left. And then, as quickly as he went into "traffic Policeman" mode, he ran across the street to his waiting ride. He's hilarious. It has been fun retelling that story.

On Saturday, I braided several people's hair (We hung up a sign that said Hair Braiding Within, because "within" is so much cooler sounding than "inside"), did a little studying, and cleaned my room. When I went to the cafeteria for brunch, I accidentally tossed my salad onto my friend Grace and then proceeded to have a hysterical laugh while cleaning it up.

Then in the evening, I got back together with Dad and Anna. Dad and I went out to Food Lion and got provisions for a salad. While there, I was taking a peek into the carbonated beverage aisle and I found a three liter of diet Food Lion cola for $1.29! I was so ecstastic that I was laughing when I found Daddy and told him. It made me really happy...
We went to Organic Grounds and I got Coffee Crunch Mocha and it was awesome. Their smalls are so large. :) It made me really happy. There were gourds on the tables for decorations, and I decided to do some balancing awesomeness. It was pretty fun. It was challenging and a good conversation as well. Daddy was reminding me that he and Mom will support me in whatever career I choose. And also to remind me to go "Steady. Steady. Pace. Pace." So one things I've been trying to do everyday is do something that destresses me. I ran on Sunday night, and I ran tonight. We didn't run as long, but it was faster and good.
I brought a bunch of my friends over to Anna's apartment for pizza, salad, and pop. We had a great time with Kendall and Anna and Daddy. It was great. We played the color game when someone burped. We just had a hilarious time. Bodner is in love with both my dad and my boyfriend. Not really, of course. He just thinks they are awesome.
On Sunday we all went to church at Ridgeway. It was awesome. I had a great time.
The visit was great. I was relaxed. I'm not too worried about Biology. It's good.

Finding Grace and Her Life

I ate french fries as a side dish this evening for supper. I have never willingly, since the seventh grade ordered that as a side dish. I personally hate fried foods and they make me feel inferior, in all honesty. They make me feel like a fatty. The point is I'm deciding what I want. And what I feel I need to do. The French Fry thing isn't a good example because I didn't have any other options, but what I'm saying is that I want to be able to do the thing that brings the most spring to my step. That makes me jump out of bed despite lacking hours of sleep. The thing that will give me motivation and both a heart and a mind for said thing. I want my major in college, and in essence, my career in life, to be something that I am truly passionate about. That I can fall out of my bed, get a concussion (this is hypothetically), and be disappointed that I'm missing classes because I want to do things that energize me.

Judy Mullet, our present Honors professor, asked us as leaders to state the ways that we can be energized when we are exhausted or having an off day. I knew mine was simple, but it scares me to admit so much in class. I'm energized by people. I thrive off of my own classmate's lack of energy and the silence that ensues when they are tired from waking up still.

One of my passions is people. Specifically helping people. Seeing a visual difference in how they take their days. Spending time with people energizes me and makes me really happy. I know this is true because when I feel depressed the exact opposite happens to me--I want to be alone--it's my mental shutting-down stage. So when I feel depressed I want to feel lonely and sad... It's a vicious cycle I need to step out of... Rabbit trail.

I want to do Missions. I'm so sick of sitting on my butt studying and getting fat from learning. (actually I'm not gaining weight, I'm going running as much as possible with my friend Ellie) The point is that I'm not DOing. I want to DO! I learned that I've had enough book learning and I want to experience learn. I enjoy labs for the science classes I'm currently taking. (when, lo and behold, I wanted to be a Biology Major. Whatever crossed my mind?) I want to travel outside of this dang country and help people in the way that I know how. Making relationships. With the universal language of music. Learning a language. Making a artistic project. I may not be great with building things, and with strategizing how to do said projects, but I can keep the people on the right track by being their friend and hypnotizing them with my music (Ok, I'm not that good. I was just making another point). This weekend I went to Harrisburg Discipleship Center for the Family Weekend, to see Zach, and what he's been up to before he goes to Guniea Bissau in December. While I was there, he was going through what they do during a week, and I kept thinking, I should do this. Why am I not here doing this? Naturally, my over-thinking mind would go through the checklist of the things that separate me from doing the things that I love and want to do--Financial Stability, Having to be Humble to ask people to give me money, Second Guessing my Decisions. What STUPID reasoning! These are the same reasons that I didn't major in Music, or Psychology, or Outdoor Ministries. I worry too much! I didn't want to be where my parents were when I was in elementary school. Not being able to buy everything that we needed. Or at least, that's how I felt. I didn't like the feeling of finances being inconsistent. I wanted to be the perfect college student--have a full ride--not loans coming my way. I wanted to have no debt going into medical school--my dream of financial heaven come true, after becoming a brain surgeon, I would proceed to have a family and be within the high class of "YourAverageCity", USA. But now that I realize it, anything that I think of for my future in sight of plans never work out. It's always better than what I foresaw, or something that I didn't even think of. Like Zach. Who thought I'd date a home-schooled guy from Middleof, Ohio? Then again, I didn't really have a set guy type... except for maybe Band Jerks. But what I'm saying is, it was unexpected that I'd find a guy that was crazy and equally stubborn and hilarious and that made me become more silly and more comfortable with myself than I have ever before. And in the past, I have always thought that I would be the Alpha Mom. Work and Mom. Because I'm GraCe, and I can do anything. But this semester has showed me, "No, Grace, you can't. Stop shopping for refrigerators at the Chinese food market. Not everyone can do everything." (by the way, I had to throw in some completely bogus line about something there. If it's too random for you, I'm sorry). I have taken way too many science credits than I could handle. I'm involving myself in one too many items. I want to be friends with everyone, and I want to do well in science, and I want to play the piano all the time. The point is, I can't do everything. In some ways, Zach showed me that. Which is interesting, as usual. I'm a bit of a skeptic with him, because sometimes he likes to pull my leg and see if I'm really paying attention, or to see if I know what I'm talking about. But on the days when we're seriously serious, I see that what I do has an end, and you know what? He picks it up where I leave off.

The only thing holding me back from becoming a Music Major is the fact that there are humans outside my practice room walking around. Not aliens! How amazing is that! (Sorry, it's almost one in the morning) But there really are humans walking around, and so I am personally obligated to warmly shake them by the hand and be their friend. And see what is good in their lives and what isn't, and express my pure emotion and frank thoughts about what they could/should do with what's happening in their heads. I can come up with honestly good ideas in short amounts of time, depending on my experience with the issue.

I'm a leader, an extrovert, but sometimes the quietest in the group. Sometimes I just listen, as that was the person I grew up being, but now as I listen, I'm waiting for someone to start being deep--to stop joking around about so and so's momma and start saying how they are really feeling. I don't want to always know how you felt today, I want to know what you learned and how you feel about it and if there's something that you could do to make it better or worse than what it was.

So my consensus: Being unsure. at least I know that for real. I thought that wanting to be a Biology Major was for real, but it turns out it was a stale memory of interest combined with the fleeting idea of not having to worry about money for the rest of my life. And then I hid my reasoning in baggage and put the motivation on autopilot. And I just woke up from my 1300 year long nap to find that 1) I was asleep 2)Biology is for Biologists, not for GrAce. 3) Hey! I'm flying an airplane. What's up with that? and 4)Who knew that toenails could get that long.

The point is, I know that I shouldn't be a doctor. If I wanted to be a doctor, I'd be motivated through the boring classes by the end point of the study. Next point. I don't know if I want to Major in Music. I love it. But I cannot practice four hours a day, productively. As Zach has said, "Stop being antisocial" There is a time and a place to play the piano. I'm more inclined to play all the time, because I love it, but I don't know if i could sacrifice my relationships for an instrument. Yes, I get my emotions out this way. Yes, it's something that makes me feel accomplished, but if I major in it, then that will be my main focus. I love the idea of that being my main focus, but I also love the idea of having people be my main focus. Music will ALWAYS be a part of my life. Learn what you love. and love what you learn. I can love the piano, and love the music that comes out of the piano, but it's always the wallflower. The accompaniment. The background music. And I don't dance to that beat. I'm a circulator. I'm the lead vocalist. I'm the one bearing my heart to the crowd with my own sense of humor. If it were People versus Piano, I believe that People would win. Mainly because pianos don't really have any offensive skills besides some pretty sharp bass strings, but really: People would win. But it's like Bush vs. Gore. Electoral vs. Population. It changes with time. Sometimes I'm certain. Sometimes there's nothing I'd rather do than play piano. But other times, it's the limiting reagent, especially if I just want to talk and hang with the peeps.

So Being Unsure translated into being a Major=Liberal Arts. And I'm actually slightly excited. If I take that route, I could be out of EMU in two years. Because of my kick cheeks work at UA the past two years, I have sixty credits to my name and seventeen more coming as this semester ends. I'll take classes in the areas I want. Psychology and Music. Poetry and Media Business. Drawing and Theology. Outdoor Ministries and maybe even Chemistry. But then I'll explore my option of exploring. Even though I don't want to wait. I don't see a majorly open option other than this. I could take a year off and go exploring. as of now, I have not a clue of where it could lead me. As I'm learning of myself, my spontaneous decisions are more true to myself than the ones that were flying the airplane for years. So it may be that I will have to explore my options to see what and where God is leading me. I'm a baby to this world of things to do and I want to so so many different things in so many different places. Doors and windows just need to be opened so I can climb in. I might even try to squeeze through a crack in the wall. If given the option, I may even try to break the wall down. So be aware. I may not be fast to start, but my momentum could knock over a 6'6" Lacrosse player.