Hello all! I know it has been a good amount of time since I have last written. There have been a few songs, but this is the one that is the newest. It's my first "Christmas" song. And I'm pretty happy about it.
Incredulous love
You came into this world
From a virgin womb
To heal us from our hopeless pain
That we were going through
Comfort and peace of mind
We've found the Messiah
You know you're the truth
You are the only truth
How holy, the Father gave his only son
Because we thought we could handle this life
On our own
How generous to give everything
In exchange for nothing
Incredulous love
For the forsaken
You have saved me
The hope for my existence,
You were there at the start, creating
Whispers of your life's fulfilled promises
Prophets spoke long ago,
and You held out your end of the deal
And you'll do it again
When you come again
And in other news, Ben and I are expecting again. We are 13 weeks tomorrow, due at the end of June. We are excited, and I'm looking forward to the energy or the second trimester and no more nausea!!
Love, the Delplings
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Inhibited Joy
It doesn't say un-inhibited joy, if you were wondering.
I've described to two people, a sister and a friend, the feeling of a shadow covering the true joys of the past year and a half. This shadow rains shame and guilt on the beautiful transitions of my life since the beginning of 2012.
There have been so many true joys since then--
Graduating! Getting Married! Being pregnant and giving birth to Naisa! Naisa!
But each is covered with the shame and guilt and is still covered.
Graduation--I had to finish my social work degree with a practicum. It was a bad fit, there wasn't enough work for me to thrive but because I was already covering one secret (being pregnant), it was impossible to share with my male professor that I wasn't being challenged enough, I was exhausted, I was bored, and the things they were asking me to do were exhausting, boring, and didn't match what I wanted my practicum to look like. Things went down hill, and they fired me, and my safe haven of social work was removed (pulled out from under me). My cords of distinction recognition was also ripped away, though i received the actual cords. I graduated with a liberal arts degree, though all my other coursework was completed.
Then I had a job doing childcare for a family that also ended with me being fired. This was awful, I had a car mishap, and I was still very much an "independent" toddler to the work force, didn't do the "right" thing. That hurt a lot.
The hard parts about both of these things are like the fact that I dated and broke up with a boy one year older than me my freshman year of high school--you run into them often. cue traumatic and negative feelings.
Getting married: There shouldn't be guilt for this one, but there is. We were 20 weeks pregnant with Naisa when we got married. I feel negative, not really about that, or the wedding itself, but sometimes I think about what it would have been like for me to experience marriage with just Ben, like all the other newlyweds do, with their sleek out-of-college-using-their-degree-jobs.
It's not that getting married was the hard part, but adjusting to living with each other, and the hormonal side of me wasn't the easiest thing in the world. It was challenging, sometimes it sucked. We had to learn to communicate, even when angry (anyone?)
Being pregnant: Since the beginning of Naisa's pregnancy was a secret, the whole time, I felt like I was holding back, not telling something, lying because I was quiet. Maybe it was because of my degree being taken, maybe it was because I started feeling like a stranger on campus at school, maybe it was because of that verse in the Bible that says, "all things hidden will be exposed to the light." All I wanted was for other people to know and understand everything. My whole situation, my disappointment with myself, my struggles with feeling like this was forced upon me. And I graduated, and the summer went by and then school started again, and I would go on campus to see my friends, to get away from the apartment, and Naisa was about to be born by then, so there were people who stared and people who knew because a friend told them, and I hate! How people talk!.
Naisa was born easily, and I can only thank God for that! But breastfeeding went down the tubes at two weeks, when she wasn't gaining weight. I wish we'd asked for help sooner, not worrying about money. I started pumping and we had to supplement with formula and eventually only a little formula at a time, but it weighed on me. Not that I was a "failure" at breastfeeding (sometimes, not all the time), but the 'woe is me' is kicking in now, as I'm weaning myself off pumping and providing only a small amount of milk per day. I worry about Naisa's immunities and once she gets sick. I just wanted this to be something that we'd do for a long time. if we were breastfeeding, I wouldn't even be thinking about weaning. She still drinks lots of milk as it is.
So the summary of all of this is, lots of things have happened in the last year and a half. Hard things, challenging things. Things that have changed who I am, in good ways, and things that have made my heart heavier. I don't think about them everyday anymore. But some come up-- you know how that works, the memories are triggered by something. Driving past the location where I worked. Seeing people associated with these hardships. Feeling outside and strange to who I was and wishing I'd turned and walked quickly away from the interview I had for my practicum.
So, as each day passes it does get easier. I don't need to feel triumphant and proud when I run into these people that I've overcome (though that would be a nice feeling). I know time heals, forgiveness is a process, but it is an intentional one.
I want to feel joy untamed
Regain the hope that I thought I lost
Feel Jesus' love completely
Surrounding everything
That's ever hurt me
I will survive through every hardship
Joy, untamed. Break it open!
I've described to two people, a sister and a friend, the feeling of a shadow covering the true joys of the past year and a half. This shadow rains shame and guilt on the beautiful transitions of my life since the beginning of 2012.
There have been so many true joys since then--
Graduating! Getting Married! Being pregnant and giving birth to Naisa! Naisa!
But each is covered with the shame and guilt and is still covered.
Graduation--I had to finish my social work degree with a practicum. It was a bad fit, there wasn't enough work for me to thrive but because I was already covering one secret (being pregnant), it was impossible to share with my male professor that I wasn't being challenged enough, I was exhausted, I was bored, and the things they were asking me to do were exhausting, boring, and didn't match what I wanted my practicum to look like. Things went down hill, and they fired me, and my safe haven of social work was removed (pulled out from under me). My cords of distinction recognition was also ripped away, though i received the actual cords. I graduated with a liberal arts degree, though all my other coursework was completed.
Then I had a job doing childcare for a family that also ended with me being fired. This was awful, I had a car mishap, and I was still very much an "independent" toddler to the work force, didn't do the "right" thing. That hurt a lot.
The hard parts about both of these things are like the fact that I dated and broke up with a boy one year older than me my freshman year of high school--you run into them often. cue traumatic and negative feelings.
Getting married: There shouldn't be guilt for this one, but there is. We were 20 weeks pregnant with Naisa when we got married. I feel negative, not really about that, or the wedding itself, but sometimes I think about what it would have been like for me to experience marriage with just Ben, like all the other newlyweds do, with their sleek out-of-college-using-their-degree-jobs.
It's not that getting married was the hard part, but adjusting to living with each other, and the hormonal side of me wasn't the easiest thing in the world. It was challenging, sometimes it sucked. We had to learn to communicate, even when angry (anyone?)
Being pregnant: Since the beginning of Naisa's pregnancy was a secret, the whole time, I felt like I was holding back, not telling something, lying because I was quiet. Maybe it was because of my degree being taken, maybe it was because I started feeling like a stranger on campus at school, maybe it was because of that verse in the Bible that says, "all things hidden will be exposed to the light." All I wanted was for other people to know and understand everything. My whole situation, my disappointment with myself, my struggles with feeling like this was forced upon me. And I graduated, and the summer went by and then school started again, and I would go on campus to see my friends, to get away from the apartment, and Naisa was about to be born by then, so there were people who stared and people who knew because a friend told them, and I hate! How people talk!.
Naisa was born easily, and I can only thank God for that! But breastfeeding went down the tubes at two weeks, when she wasn't gaining weight. I wish we'd asked for help sooner, not worrying about money. I started pumping and we had to supplement with formula and eventually only a little formula at a time, but it weighed on me. Not that I was a "failure" at breastfeeding (sometimes, not all the time), but the 'woe is me' is kicking in now, as I'm weaning myself off pumping and providing only a small amount of milk per day. I worry about Naisa's immunities and once she gets sick. I just wanted this to be something that we'd do for a long time. if we were breastfeeding, I wouldn't even be thinking about weaning. She still drinks lots of milk as it is.
So the summary of all of this is, lots of things have happened in the last year and a half. Hard things, challenging things. Things that have changed who I am, in good ways, and things that have made my heart heavier. I don't think about them everyday anymore. But some come up-- you know how that works, the memories are triggered by something. Driving past the location where I worked. Seeing people associated with these hardships. Feeling outside and strange to who I was and wishing I'd turned and walked quickly away from the interview I had for my practicum.
So, as each day passes it does get easier. I don't need to feel triumphant and proud when I run into these people that I've overcome (though that would be a nice feeling). I know time heals, forgiveness is a process, but it is an intentional one.
I want to feel joy untamed
Regain the hope that I thought I lost
Feel Jesus' love completely
Surrounding everything
That's ever hurt me
I will survive through every hardship
Joy, untamed. Break it open!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Worship
So I'm reading this book called "the Invested Life", but JOel Rosenberg and it talks about the difference between worship and praise.
Worship is when you praise God for who he is regardless of your circumstances
Praise is when you thank God for your circumstances, and prepare yourself for true worship.
Worship is when you meditate on God's awesomeness with your humbleness.
God is All-Knowing.
You know my heart, my struggles me fears. Thank you God. You know the pain in the hearts of people I know. Love them God! They need you, and you know it and you are already taking care of them. Amen, God! God you know every micro issue that causes people to be different. Thank you God! You can micro manage.
You are an awesome, holy, powerful excellent Father! Amen.
Worship is when you praise God for who he is regardless of your circumstances
Praise is when you thank God for your circumstances, and prepare yourself for true worship.
Worship is when you meditate on God's awesomeness with your humbleness.
God is All-Knowing.
You know my heart, my struggles me fears. Thank you God. You know the pain in the hearts of people I know. Love them God! They need you, and you know it and you are already taking care of them. Amen, God! God you know every micro issue that causes people to be different. Thank you God! You can micro manage.
You are an awesome, holy, powerful excellent Father! Amen.
Friday, July 19, 2013
there have been many posts I could have written, but
they were all egotistical, and in reality, any blog post I write soley so that other people can see my thoughts is self centered. But there's not wrong in processing thoughts, yearnings, and other things.
Recent "blog posts" I have thought of writing include: Why I won't pluck my eyebrows (hint: there are little eyes watching me now), How I need to die to self more, Why this house isn't clean (ok, I made that one up, but I was looking at our living room as I sit on my butt typing).
I will devote a small paragraph to each of these before these thought flicker out, if i can get them out before Naisa has a freak out moment (I'm waiting for her to fall asleep for nap time, but she might need some more milk).
so what was I going to write about originally? My yearning to travel and do mission work, my desire to have less responsibility (on occasion), and to be less needed). Yesterday Naisa and I were outside getting some vitamin D (20 minutes a day, baby! We're prepping for the beach). and I saw a young woman walking her dogs, in exercise clothing. There was no baby in a carrier, no milk in her breasts, no nap to get back at the end of. All she had to do was walk those dogs, get some exercise herself. She could even run too, if she wanted, because there were not thirty extra pounds hanging out on her hips (not that I cannot run with these thirty extra pounds, it's just harder to do longer distances. right now. when I haven't run since the end of June. yep).
And I was longing for less responsibility. I could get a job. Help other people.
COME ON, GRACE! WHAT ARE YOU ALREADY DOING??
It's a nice poke in the gut to be reminded that this sweet sweet child is my job and the one that needs me the most. If I went to a job elsewhere, I would just want to be with her, longing to be with her while I was gone, anxiety spiking as my chest would get heavy. And I would have other responsibility. Silly me. It's all about me. NO IT"S NOT.
I'm constantly humbled as I try to figure out what I want, what I'm yearning for, and what I think I should be doing. I should be breastfeeding, but we didn't have the gumption to get Naisa's tongue tie fixed in time. I should have lost most weight, rather than maintaining these last eight months. But what are all these things about? Me. Stop. Stop. Stop.
God knows that I wanted to do these things. He knows how hard it has been for me to pump. He knows how much of a challenge it has been to adjust from being "independent" to being "depended on." But He knows it's GOOD for me. It's for the GOOD WORK that He's doing. Grace, stop being Jonah! Get with the program. Do the work and will of God as He calls you, giving with joy!
I know, I know, I know! There are so many things I wouldn't have been able to experience or do if I had a job, or graduated without a bump in the road, or we didn't have Naisa so soon. These things I HAVE experienced because I have been pregnant, I've been home, I've been in this neighborhood and this apartment. Time with friends, and making new friends, being held accountable and holding other people accountable. Babysitting new people's kids and getting to know them!
I think that I just need to change my attitude and wake up on the right side of the bed (today I woke up angry. I've been praying for peace. it's coming, it's coming.)
I'm stuck on me. I'm stuck on the things I still think I need to do. Maybe I will do them, but they will be done differently than I imagined. And I have new things I yearn to do. But they will be different than I imagined them as well. Like when we travel. We will have one (or more) in tow, coming along for the ride, doing different things than Ben and I would have done just us. When/if we do mission work in another country, it will be different. When/if I get a chance to work at camp again, it will be different.
Different isn't bad, different can be good, but ultimately, different is just different.
What needs to die? What part of me is worldly and holding on to "dreams"? Dreams that are worldly and desires of success in this world in ways that are not glorifying to God. Fame has been a past dream of mine, with music and songs. I just want to reach people with God's love, but recently I recognized that the music neither needs to bring fame or money to touch people. It's part of giving to receive. Let me bless others so that I can live more abundantly! The more I grow closer to God, the more I see that any dream to become famous can be of Satan, and more times than not it is, because it's about me, it's about what I can do and what I can make, not what God can do and make. If what we're doing isn't prioritizing spreading the Gospel to other people, is it of God? no. No. It's not.
-My worries with my appearance/reading pre-pregnancy weight/exercising everyday--these are all about me, now, not me, later. Does it matter in the long term, as in eternal? no, not really. But as we hone and tone our relationship with God, and it hampers what I do for him, does it mean it could be something I need to pay attention to? Yes, but the most important thing is growing close to Him in the process.
Father God it's hard to be
Strong in You in lukewarm water
God I pray that I would seek
Only your right words to speak
We don't know when is our final step
Or when we'll take Our last breath
But i know for sure where I'll be
if I don't let Christ work in me
So be bold and open your mouth!
God's love is here make sure it's loud!
We are called to reach out
Not enclose ourselves
Are you ready for judgement day?
We've got a path to take
And if we're standing still
All we have is sinking sand
And if we forget
To let God speak
Our tongues will leave malicious streak
Seek His work everyday
Take the focus off of self
Recent "blog posts" I have thought of writing include: Why I won't pluck my eyebrows (hint: there are little eyes watching me now), How I need to die to self more, Why this house isn't clean (ok, I made that one up, but I was looking at our living room as I sit on my butt typing).
I will devote a small paragraph to each of these before these thought flicker out, if i can get them out before Naisa has a freak out moment (I'm waiting for her to fall asleep for nap time, but she might need some more milk).
so what was I going to write about originally? My yearning to travel and do mission work, my desire to have less responsibility (on occasion), and to be less needed). Yesterday Naisa and I were outside getting some vitamin D (20 minutes a day, baby! We're prepping for the beach). and I saw a young woman walking her dogs, in exercise clothing. There was no baby in a carrier, no milk in her breasts, no nap to get back at the end of. All she had to do was walk those dogs, get some exercise herself. She could even run too, if she wanted, because there were not thirty extra pounds hanging out on her hips (not that I cannot run with these thirty extra pounds, it's just harder to do longer distances. right now. when I haven't run since the end of June. yep).
And I was longing for less responsibility. I could get a job. Help other people.
COME ON, GRACE! WHAT ARE YOU ALREADY DOING??
It's a nice poke in the gut to be reminded that this sweet sweet child is my job and the one that needs me the most. If I went to a job elsewhere, I would just want to be with her, longing to be with her while I was gone, anxiety spiking as my chest would get heavy. And I would have other responsibility. Silly me. It's all about me. NO IT"S NOT.
I'm constantly humbled as I try to figure out what I want, what I'm yearning for, and what I think I should be doing. I should be breastfeeding, but we didn't have the gumption to get Naisa's tongue tie fixed in time. I should have lost most weight, rather than maintaining these last eight months. But what are all these things about? Me. Stop. Stop. Stop.
God knows that I wanted to do these things. He knows how hard it has been for me to pump. He knows how much of a challenge it has been to adjust from being "independent" to being "depended on." But He knows it's GOOD for me. It's for the GOOD WORK that He's doing. Grace, stop being Jonah! Get with the program. Do the work and will of God as He calls you, giving with joy!
I know, I know, I know! There are so many things I wouldn't have been able to experience or do if I had a job, or graduated without a bump in the road, or we didn't have Naisa so soon. These things I HAVE experienced because I have been pregnant, I've been home, I've been in this neighborhood and this apartment. Time with friends, and making new friends, being held accountable and holding other people accountable. Babysitting new people's kids and getting to know them!
I think that I just need to change my attitude and wake up on the right side of the bed (today I woke up angry. I've been praying for peace. it's coming, it's coming.)
I'm stuck on me. I'm stuck on the things I still think I need to do. Maybe I will do them, but they will be done differently than I imagined. And I have new things I yearn to do. But they will be different than I imagined them as well. Like when we travel. We will have one (or more) in tow, coming along for the ride, doing different things than Ben and I would have done just us. When/if we do mission work in another country, it will be different. When/if I get a chance to work at camp again, it will be different.
Different isn't bad, different can be good, but ultimately, different is just different.
What needs to die? What part of me is worldly and holding on to "dreams"? Dreams that are worldly and desires of success in this world in ways that are not glorifying to God. Fame has been a past dream of mine, with music and songs. I just want to reach people with God's love, but recently I recognized that the music neither needs to bring fame or money to touch people. It's part of giving to receive. Let me bless others so that I can live more abundantly! The more I grow closer to God, the more I see that any dream to become famous can be of Satan, and more times than not it is, because it's about me, it's about what I can do and what I can make, not what God can do and make. If what we're doing isn't prioritizing spreading the Gospel to other people, is it of God? no. No. It's not.
-My worries with my appearance/reading pre-pregnancy weight/exercising everyday--these are all about me, now, not me, later. Does it matter in the long term, as in eternal? no, not really. But as we hone and tone our relationship with God, and it hampers what I do for him, does it mean it could be something I need to pay attention to? Yes, but the most important thing is growing close to Him in the process.
Father God it's hard to be
Strong in You in lukewarm water
God I pray that I would seek
Only your right words to speak
We don't know when is our final step
Or when we'll take Our last breath
But i know for sure where I'll be
if I don't let Christ work in me
So be bold and open your mouth!
God's love is here make sure it's loud!
We are called to reach out
Not enclose ourselves
Are you ready for judgement day?
We've got a path to take
And if we're standing still
All we have is sinking sand
And if we forget
To let God speak
Our tongues will leave malicious streak
Seek His work everyday
Take the focus off of self
Friday, May 17, 2013
Idolatry and today's "goddesses and gods": Celebrities
Have you ever noticed how people obsess about famous people?
From Angelina Jolie being a 'hero' and incredibly publicized for getting a preventative surgery, to reality TV shows super-publicizing the Kardashian's lives, there is no end to the options. If you have digital television, you can watch hundreds (thousands) of tv shows, reality, competitions,and people 'fulfilling' their dreams, all in the name of money.
Social networking, internet, and the media have mega-sized this. Magazines at every store at every aisle. A person can now 'follow' or 'subscribe' to mulitple outlets of information on their favorite people on the internet.
We want to be like them. We want their lifestyles, their clothes, their cars, their money, their bodies, their sex. We want to dance like them, act like them, have noses and lips like them. We crave new information about them, we wait for the updates.
They are our standard. We become "star struck" by them. They seduce us with their words, bodies, their money, and abilities.
It's just like the Greek gods and goddesses and their mythology. Their narcissistic lives, driven by their human desire. normal people becoming like them with 'connections' to them.
Do normal people worship them? Is this worshipping I think so.
Where is the majority of our time spent? Reading, focusing on the word of God? Building relationships with others to show them Christ? Where, instead, is our attention and thoughts focused? that CD coming out. That next update. The three word conversations that happen on twitter.
Whether positive, or negative, so many Americans, even many or maybe most Christians have their weaknesses.
Media is a great way to spread the gospel, exchange encouragement and uplifting information, but it also pulls people away from God. In most situations of media, I find this to be true.
I'm frustrated with how easy it is to be pulled into following celebrities. We have our excuses. "I look up to them." "They are great actors/tresses." "I want to see who wins/what they do next/what they are like as a real person."
What about what God wants, following God's word, listening to God's call and direction in our lives?
Don't let the word of God become irrelevant because you are "living in the now". Let Christ be your now, and always.
From Angelina Jolie being a 'hero' and incredibly publicized for getting a preventative surgery, to reality TV shows super-publicizing the Kardashian's lives, there is no end to the options. If you have digital television, you can watch hundreds (thousands) of tv shows, reality, competitions,and people 'fulfilling' their dreams, all in the name of money.
Social networking, internet, and the media have mega-sized this. Magazines at every store at every aisle. A person can now 'follow' or 'subscribe' to mulitple outlets of information on their favorite people on the internet.
We want to be like them. We want their lifestyles, their clothes, their cars, their money, their bodies, their sex. We want to dance like them, act like them, have noses and lips like them. We crave new information about them, we wait for the updates.
They are our standard. We become "star struck" by them. They seduce us with their words, bodies, their money, and abilities.
It's just like the Greek gods and goddesses and their mythology. Their narcissistic lives, driven by their human desire. normal people becoming like them with 'connections' to them.
Do normal people worship them? Is this worshipping I think so.
Where is the majority of our time spent? Reading, focusing on the word of God? Building relationships with others to show them Christ? Where, instead, is our attention and thoughts focused? that CD coming out. That next update. The three word conversations that happen on twitter.
Whether positive, or negative, so many Americans, even many or maybe most Christians have their weaknesses.
Media is a great way to spread the gospel, exchange encouragement and uplifting information, but it also pulls people away from God. In most situations of media, I find this to be true.
I'm frustrated with how easy it is to be pulled into following celebrities. We have our excuses. "I look up to them." "They are great actors/tresses." "I want to see who wins/what they do next/what they are like as a real person."
What about what God wants, following God's word, listening to God's call and direction in our lives?
Don't let the word of God become irrelevant because you are "living in the now". Let Christ be your now, and always.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
A different type of Valentine's Day
Today is Valentine's Day.
This is the first valentine's day that Ben and I have been married.
This is the fist Valentine's Day that Naisa has been here.
So today I got to spend the first part of my day with 15 1-2 year olds reading books, playing, comforting (lots of comforting) at our local moms group. That was a thankful moment for me, that God did not create humans to have "litters" of children. (Amen, and amen.)
Naisa is enough for now. I like the idea of many children at different ages, but not several children all the same age. Twins would be hard. Triplets--I'd have to bring in reinforcements.
Ben and I will celebrate Valentine's day with church friends tomorrow night at a catered dinner at church. Last Valentine's day, we'd just found out we were pregnant and were getting used to that idea. We went to a really nice restaurant in the Harrisonburg area with a gift card.
This year we were given the gift of child care by my awesome Grandma (shout out to Grandma Peg!) and the gift of tickets by Ben's dad (shout out to Ben's dad!). We are not so free with our money presently--we started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University mid January and now on a (necessary) budget. So Ben's gift to me was two pieces of dark chocolate and mine to him was several well-thought out "I love you because. . ." notes.
How are you spending your Valentine's day.
If you haven't seen Ted Swartz' video on V-day, here it is. Quite funny. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYk2exdeYIc
This is the first valentine's day that Ben and I have been married.
This is the fist Valentine's Day that Naisa has been here.
So today I got to spend the first part of my day with 15 1-2 year olds reading books, playing, comforting (lots of comforting) at our local moms group. That was a thankful moment for me, that God did not create humans to have "litters" of children. (Amen, and amen.)
Naisa is enough for now. I like the idea of many children at different ages, but not several children all the same age. Twins would be hard. Triplets--I'd have to bring in reinforcements.
Ben and I will celebrate Valentine's day with church friends tomorrow night at a catered dinner at church. Last Valentine's day, we'd just found out we were pregnant and were getting used to that idea. We went to a really nice restaurant in the Harrisonburg area with a gift card.
This year we were given the gift of child care by my awesome Grandma (shout out to Grandma Peg!) and the gift of tickets by Ben's dad (shout out to Ben's dad!). We are not so free with our money presently--we started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University mid January and now on a (necessary) budget. So Ben's gift to me was two pieces of dark chocolate and mine to him was several well-thought out "I love you because. . ." notes.
How are you spending your Valentine's day.
If you haven't seen Ted Swartz' video on V-day, here it is. Quite funny. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYk2exdeYIc
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