You happen to be
The opposite of me
In some ways
You step on the other side
You balance my controversial mind
In spite of everything
You accept me.
And there's more God in your eyes
Than I've ever seen in my life
I see it and squirm for more time to go by
Because I just want to embrace you
More than other people do
More, because I mean more
Because Love means more.
What is this love?
English forgot to define
The feelings you've inspired
I can't remain the same.
You've claimed my attention
We've intercepted I want this connection
You were unexpected untimely interesting
You've intrigued me I can't stop suggesting
That you succeeded in tripping me over
That you succeeded in tripping me over
You succeeded in tripping me over
In love with you.
Beautiful words
develop in my mind
I can't speak my face erupts in smiles
I'm bashful and you're accepting
It all helps the depths of
Our hearts connecting.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Thoughts on complications between race and gender oppression
It’s important to be aware. To be passionate, to be driven, and motivated by injustices in the world and to reach the point where you can tell the world because you understand that it needs to be known. That it needs to be something that people are passionate about, and it needs to be something people are motivated by, because it is an injustice in the world.
Part of passion is the empathy that goes along with acknowledging oppression. I take on the pain that other people feel, can sense the frustration in the air when the oppression continues, when people misunderstand what’s really going on. I hate seeing conflict, seeing people disagree, but what I hate more is not seeing the truth bared at the end of the day. This happens when people don’t accept others for who and what they are, but instead choose to stereotype, discriminate, and hate. Other parts of oppression, though, I have experienced, as a woman.
On Monday night, there was a presentation of a video about Hip Hop culture. Afterward, at the discussion, two opinions were created: one in the discussion and the other in my own mind. The African American students who attended the event wanted us to know that the video displayed a stereotype of their culture; this wasn’t who they all were. During the video presentation the idea that stuck out to me the most was the oppression and the issues within our culture. These are caused by patriarchy: men being the leaders in relationship and being dominant over women. This idea is portrayed in the media displaying that women are for men’s sexual pleasures, they have little brain, little clothes, and no voice, other than to voice sexual desires.
I understand that not all African American men carry themselves standing on pedestals of dominating violence, homophobia, and objectifying women. I have reached the point through my life experience of diversity, through my cross cultural in DC and a summer in Queens, that I cannot stereotype anyone by the standards that the media portrays. Certainly, there are men of all races and ethnicities that fulfill that patriarchal role, but there are also quality, deep, men who love the beauty of person and personality.
I left the discussion, however, with a feeling of oppression upon my gut. I walked away disgusted, feeling like my body was oppressing me. Once, when I was walking home from the metro in Washington D.C., I was stopped by a man in a car, in broad daylight, who got out of his car and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I responded with a ‘yes,’ but proceeded to talk to him until he let me on my way. He did not touch or harm me, but I have never felt more confused or filled with fear in my life. I try to carry myself with confidence, to be quick to conversation, but I’m also quick to hide my fear, and my lack of comfort. If the man who got out of his car to ask me that question thought he was complimenting me, or would be able to convince me that he was a worthy gentlemen of choice for a relationship, he was quite confused. This man, though displaying his interest through conversation, only pulled over because he thought I was beautiful, and objectified me.
My frustration continues when I see people who only flirt with others because they are women, or because they fit the standards of beauty in society. This, though building some sort of shallow relationship with someone, still banks off of outward beauty and sexuality. It seems that flirts don’t genuinely like anyone, they just live for attention, and for the self-esteem boost when people reciprocate a response of “I think you’re hot, too.”
Oppression, frustration, and anger resonated in me as I left. What could I do? The only way to stop the objectification of women is to change the structure of our media influences. This means in advertising, we have to stop making people feel bad about themselves enough to buy something. We have to stop setting the standard of women’s idealized body weight at 13-18% underweight. We have to stop sexualizing everything, making every advertisement about thin women, sex, or both. It’s become all about comparing ourselves to others, as if at the genetic level, we all fit the same stereotype.
Awareness is the first part of making a change. I am passionate and driven enough to want to make others aware the oppression of women in society, even if it’s only through my own frustrations and anger. I want people to have awareness of their own actions, and what their influences are. Even if they don’t ‘fit a stereotype’, what are their tendencies? Look! Go outside into the beautiful world, look at human beings and see human beings, with beautiful intelligence and beautiful ideas, not just a beautiful face.
Part of passion is the empathy that goes along with acknowledging oppression. I take on the pain that other people feel, can sense the frustration in the air when the oppression continues, when people misunderstand what’s really going on. I hate seeing conflict, seeing people disagree, but what I hate more is not seeing the truth bared at the end of the day. This happens when people don’t accept others for who and what they are, but instead choose to stereotype, discriminate, and hate. Other parts of oppression, though, I have experienced, as a woman.
On Monday night, there was a presentation of a video about Hip Hop culture. Afterward, at the discussion, two opinions were created: one in the discussion and the other in my own mind. The African American students who attended the event wanted us to know that the video displayed a stereotype of their culture; this wasn’t who they all were. During the video presentation the idea that stuck out to me the most was the oppression and the issues within our culture. These are caused by patriarchy: men being the leaders in relationship and being dominant over women. This idea is portrayed in the media displaying that women are for men’s sexual pleasures, they have little brain, little clothes, and no voice, other than to voice sexual desires.
I understand that not all African American men carry themselves standing on pedestals of dominating violence, homophobia, and objectifying women. I have reached the point through my life experience of diversity, through my cross cultural in DC and a summer in Queens, that I cannot stereotype anyone by the standards that the media portrays. Certainly, there are men of all races and ethnicities that fulfill that patriarchal role, but there are also quality, deep, men who love the beauty of person and personality.
I left the discussion, however, with a feeling of oppression upon my gut. I walked away disgusted, feeling like my body was oppressing me. Once, when I was walking home from the metro in Washington D.C., I was stopped by a man in a car, in broad daylight, who got out of his car and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I responded with a ‘yes,’ but proceeded to talk to him until he let me on my way. He did not touch or harm me, but I have never felt more confused or filled with fear in my life. I try to carry myself with confidence, to be quick to conversation, but I’m also quick to hide my fear, and my lack of comfort. If the man who got out of his car to ask me that question thought he was complimenting me, or would be able to convince me that he was a worthy gentlemen of choice for a relationship, he was quite confused. This man, though displaying his interest through conversation, only pulled over because he thought I was beautiful, and objectified me.
My frustration continues when I see people who only flirt with others because they are women, or because they fit the standards of beauty in society. This, though building some sort of shallow relationship with someone, still banks off of outward beauty and sexuality. It seems that flirts don’t genuinely like anyone, they just live for attention, and for the self-esteem boost when people reciprocate a response of “I think you’re hot, too.”
Oppression, frustration, and anger resonated in me as I left. What could I do? The only way to stop the objectification of women is to change the structure of our media influences. This means in advertising, we have to stop making people feel bad about themselves enough to buy something. We have to stop setting the standard of women’s idealized body weight at 13-18% underweight. We have to stop sexualizing everything, making every advertisement about thin women, sex, or both. It’s become all about comparing ourselves to others, as if at the genetic level, we all fit the same stereotype.
Awareness is the first part of making a change. I am passionate and driven enough to want to make others aware the oppression of women in society, even if it’s only through my own frustrations and anger. I want people to have awareness of their own actions, and what their influences are. Even if they don’t ‘fit a stereotype’, what are their tendencies? Look! Go outside into the beautiful world, look at human beings and see human beings, with beautiful intelligence and beautiful ideas, not just a beautiful face.
No Longer Suffering Alone
Suffering is a part of humanity. It can be drawn from the very beginning, in Genesis, when the fruit was bitten. Sin was born, pain created, and toiling planted into the working of the soil, the earth, and everything in it. As we have been born into this world that has sin and suffering, we are also bound to suffer.
Because of this, suffering should be normal. People are dying constantly, incurable diseases coming upon people, accidents happen, and life changes. It should be accepted that pain will come along in our lives. Life’s emotions are a bit of a roller coaster, but in knowing this, there is always a mountain after a valley--a positive on the other end. We will live through it!
Somewhere along the way, this Western society seduced us to conform to individuality. This means that we care about ourselves, what others think of us, and have no need to depend upon them. We are who we are, and we don’t need anybody’s help. This means that when we suffer, we are in constant thought of what other people would think of us. If we are crying, or depressed, or seem “lonely,” we are in a state of vulnerability, and our society is uncomfortable with genuine vulnerability. Instead, we put on masks. We avoid pain. We avoid conversations about pain. We hold our pain in.
This idea of perpetual happiness is fictitious. There is not one person in this earth who has lived a life of pure happiness. What kind of a life would that be, to only see the high side, to be constantly floating? This life would be out of touch with reality. Because there would be no up or down, life would be monotonous and boring.
My point is this: why should we have to hold in our pain, keep our shamed secrets within our hearts until we die, because we must hold to these standards that have rooted their way into our souls? God created humans for relationship, and within that relationship, he calls us to bind together, so that “if one falls, the other can help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). God wants us to glean off of our friends, our brothers and sisters in Christ, because they will build us back up when we are suffering, and be our support when we cannot go on anymore. God wants us to open up about our past pains and sufferings—the ones that have lain dormant for so long, but still influence everything we do. God wants us to talk about it.
In my experience, pain stays with me until let others cross the boundary of comfort and enter into the vulnerable deep within me. It is so hard to let others do that, to let people comfort me, because I’ve been framed by the standard that “I can do it myself, I can get better myself” and have been self-medicating through writing lyrics and songs for so long. But God has helped me realize that writing music to an ambiguous crowd can only heal so much.
Confiding in someone helped me remove the fear of rejection, the fear that everyone else is individualistic and doesn’t care. I always knew in the back of my mind that people do care, they can empathize, and they can love unconditionally, but because of the pain I’ve experienced, I only thought I could depend upon myself. I’ve learned otherwise, but it’s been a long process getting there.
In this life, when you are suffering, remember that though you are “in the valley of the shadow of death,” (Psalm 23:4) you aren’t alone. God is with you. Listen to that whispering voice. It’s okay to open your mouth and let your words come out, no matter how hard it is to speak.
Because of this, suffering should be normal. People are dying constantly, incurable diseases coming upon people, accidents happen, and life changes. It should be accepted that pain will come along in our lives. Life’s emotions are a bit of a roller coaster, but in knowing this, there is always a mountain after a valley--a positive on the other end. We will live through it!
Somewhere along the way, this Western society seduced us to conform to individuality. This means that we care about ourselves, what others think of us, and have no need to depend upon them. We are who we are, and we don’t need anybody’s help. This means that when we suffer, we are in constant thought of what other people would think of us. If we are crying, or depressed, or seem “lonely,” we are in a state of vulnerability, and our society is uncomfortable with genuine vulnerability. Instead, we put on masks. We avoid pain. We avoid conversations about pain. We hold our pain in.
This idea of perpetual happiness is fictitious. There is not one person in this earth who has lived a life of pure happiness. What kind of a life would that be, to only see the high side, to be constantly floating? This life would be out of touch with reality. Because there would be no up or down, life would be monotonous and boring.
My point is this: why should we have to hold in our pain, keep our shamed secrets within our hearts until we die, because we must hold to these standards that have rooted their way into our souls? God created humans for relationship, and within that relationship, he calls us to bind together, so that “if one falls, the other can help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). God wants us to glean off of our friends, our brothers and sisters in Christ, because they will build us back up when we are suffering, and be our support when we cannot go on anymore. God wants us to open up about our past pains and sufferings—the ones that have lain dormant for so long, but still influence everything we do. God wants us to talk about it.
In my experience, pain stays with me until let others cross the boundary of comfort and enter into the vulnerable deep within me. It is so hard to let others do that, to let people comfort me, because I’ve been framed by the standard that “I can do it myself, I can get better myself” and have been self-medicating through writing lyrics and songs for so long. But God has helped me realize that writing music to an ambiguous crowd can only heal so much.
Confiding in someone helped me remove the fear of rejection, the fear that everyone else is individualistic and doesn’t care. I always knew in the back of my mind that people do care, they can empathize, and they can love unconditionally, but because of the pain I’ve experienced, I only thought I could depend upon myself. I’ve learned otherwise, but it’s been a long process getting there.
In this life, when you are suffering, remember that though you are “in the valley of the shadow of death,” (Psalm 23:4) you aren’t alone. God is with you. Listen to that whispering voice. It’s okay to open your mouth and let your words come out, no matter how hard it is to speak.
Monday, February 21, 2011
One of the reasons I'm late to work. new song. "The only way to live"
You've proved to me Your love
How perfect! I have no fear.
But Lord teach me to walk
What I believe and hold dear.
You are my foundation
My everlasting Rock of Ages.
Rest upon my calling.
Let me listen and hear your voice again.
I'm distracted by my own abilities
But you've placed them in me!
And I want you to shine more than me.
Father guide my hands
Polish my mind so that I can stand for You.
I am blind, Lord, I need to see you
I am deaf, Lord, Let me hear you
I can't feel anything, Jesus be within me
Father I'm tasteless and I know you are good
Show me how to live like I should
You are the only way to live
You are my way to truthful life.
You've filled me with your peace.
How gracious! I have true rest.
Lord teach me not to worry
For life will pass, no matter if I fear or not
You are my foundation
My Everlasting Rock of Ages
Rest upon me Your Peace
Let me listen and hear your voice again
I'm distracted by my own abilities
But you've placed them in me
And I want you to shine more than me
Father, guide my hands
Polish my mind so that I can stand For you.
How perfect! I have no fear.
But Lord teach me to walk
What I believe and hold dear.
You are my foundation
My everlasting Rock of Ages.
Rest upon my calling.
Let me listen and hear your voice again.
I'm distracted by my own abilities
But you've placed them in me!
And I want you to shine more than me.
Father guide my hands
Polish my mind so that I can stand for You.
I am blind, Lord, I need to see you
I am deaf, Lord, Let me hear you
I can't feel anything, Jesus be within me
Father I'm tasteless and I know you are good
Show me how to live like I should
You are the only way to live
You are my way to truthful life.
You've filled me with your peace.
How gracious! I have true rest.
Lord teach me not to worry
For life will pass, no matter if I fear or not
You are my foundation
My Everlasting Rock of Ages
Rest upon me Your Peace
Let me listen and hear your voice again
I'm distracted by my own abilities
But you've placed them in me
And I want you to shine more than me
Father, guide my hands
Polish my mind so that I can stand For you.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Everything
I never ceased to be moved by this song.
It hits the heart of my heart and reminds me to worship with all of me without inhibition.
Listen here.
It hits the heart of my heart and reminds me to worship with all of me without inhibition.
Listen here.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Valentine's Day
Life consistently isn't what you expect.
I suspect that this is because society is so influenced by media fantastical reality, but that's not what I'm blogging about tonight.
Being conspicuous and sneaky with Meg, and decorating Ben's car with words and hearts and cute window crayon pictures.
"Have a wealthy Valentine's Day."
A warm, sunny, windy day that brought on a run outside, then a barefoot game of "ultimate football" outside.
Borrowing heighty heels to be extra intimidating/dominating, first in personality, then in stature.
Practicing to walking in said heighty heels down the hall.
Being suddenly six feet tall.
A pair of pink roses and a sweet kiss on the lips from a handsome, also-tall, charming, Godly man.
Bubbling over with happiness, enthralled by love, flowers, that it's real!
Getting picked up, and a car door opened.
A packed Taste of Thai.
Waiting, standing (in now Painful heighty heels), wobbling, but supported.
Scooting our chairs closer like we're in the cafeteria.
A pair of pink roses and a wealthy card center our table.
Ordering spring rolls because Ben is starving.
Having many "close one"'s
Great conversation about pranks, our parents' Valentine's days, gifts, last minute preparations."
"I love you."
Dim lighting. Delicious Thai food.
A chocolate pyramid for two. No, it was not vegan.
What a wonderful Valentine.
Changing shoes when we got back, and going back to Ben's room to have a Bible Study.
Instead listening to one of my dad's sermons.
Going to bed Happy.
Very Happy.
Happiness that flowed over to today.
Getting a vegan cake heart at breakfast in the caf.
Getting Stella Leona's chocolate hearts in the mail.
Playing piano and singing too loud for my Valentine.
"We are His Portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If Grace is an ocean then we're all sinking.
Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss.
And my heart turns violently inside my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way He loves us."
This is how I feel loved.
I suspect that this is because society is so influenced by media fantastical reality, but that's not what I'm blogging about tonight.
Being conspicuous and sneaky with Meg, and decorating Ben's car with words and hearts and cute window crayon pictures.
"Have a wealthy Valentine's Day."
A warm, sunny, windy day that brought on a run outside, then a barefoot game of "ultimate football" outside.
Borrowing heighty heels to be extra intimidating/dominating, first in personality, then in stature.
Practicing to walking in said heighty heels down the hall.
Being suddenly six feet tall.
A pair of pink roses and a sweet kiss on the lips from a handsome, also-tall, charming, Godly man.
Bubbling over with happiness, enthralled by love, flowers, that it's real!
Getting picked up, and a car door opened.
A packed Taste of Thai.Waiting, standing (in now Painful heighty heels), wobbling, but supported.
Scooting our chairs closer like we're in the cafeteria.
A pair of pink roses and a wealthy card center our table.
Ordering spring rolls because Ben is starving.
Having many "close one"'s
Great conversation about pranks, our parents' Valentine's days, gifts, last minute preparations."
"I love you."
Dim lighting. Delicious Thai food.
A chocolate pyramid for two. No, it was not vegan.
What a wonderful Valentine.
Changing shoes when we got back, and going back to Ben's room to have a Bible Study.
Instead listening to one of my dad's sermons.
Going to bed Happy.
Very Happy.
Happiness that flowed over to today.
Getting a vegan cake heart at breakfast in the caf.
Getting Stella Leona's chocolate hearts in the mail.
Playing piano and singing too loud for my Valentine.
"We are His Portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If Grace is an ocean then we're all sinking.
Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss.
And my heart turns violently inside my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way He loves us."
This is how I feel loved.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
blah blah
Sometimes I say what I think.
All the time.
It's like a self narration of my brain map.
Yep.
So sometimes I need to be quiet.
But sometimes I can't think of the things to say.
What are my strengths?
Why do I find myself going back and forth to the same things, and not drawing on variety, the drive of my life?
Now, I can think of so many other things that I have strengths in, or so many more ways to talk about things in better words.
I guess I just felt like there wasn't the greatest connection.
And felt insufficient.
But maybe I just have such high expectations that I cannot attain them.
And I need to level the playing field.
All interviews won't be the best. But I like to be able to smile and laugh.
My body is telling me it's hungry again.
I want to run and I want to be vegan.
What a conundrum.
All the time.
It's like a self narration of my brain map.
Yep.
So sometimes I need to be quiet.
But sometimes I can't think of the things to say.
What are my strengths?
Why do I find myself going back and forth to the same things, and not drawing on variety, the drive of my life?
Now, I can think of so many other things that I have strengths in, or so many more ways to talk about things in better words.
I guess I just felt like there wasn't the greatest connection.
And felt insufficient.
But maybe I just have such high expectations that I cannot attain them.
And I need to level the playing field.
All interviews won't be the best. But I like to be able to smile and laugh.
My body is telling me it's hungry again.
I want to run and I want to be vegan.
What a conundrum.
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