A Trip to the Car Garage

Today we had to go to the car garage. Our car needed its oil changed. We could do it ourselves, but it costs about the same to get it done by a car technician, so that’s what we do. I had to bring Naisa and Yonah along with me, because Ben, my husband, was working. I was busy in the kitchen when I realized that it was time to go. 

“Naisa! Yonah! Hurry and get dressed!,” I said quickly, hoping my speed of my voice would help the process. However, It had no effect. Despite Naisa and Yonah getting dressed and shoes on by themselves, with bags of toys packed to go, we still had to hurry out the door to get to the garage. Though I prefer to be five minutes early, when we arrived at 9:01, it was still within the range of ‘on time.’ We walked into the office and settled into the two chairs available for those who wait for their cars to be fixed. These chairs sat right next to a water filter, and an older coffee machine.

“Good morning!” I said to the car repairman, whose name was George. 

“Good morning!” George replied. 

“Good morning,” Yonah said to him. Then to me, he asked, “what’s his name?” 

“His name is George,” I said, quietly. 

“George?”

“George.”

“What’s your name?” George said to Yonah.

“I’m Yonah,” said Yonah.

“Yonah, would you like some water?” he asked.

“YES!” Both my children smiled and moved excitedly over to the water filter. George put the cups in the cup holder, backward first, then the right way, and gave each child a cup.

“Only a little bit,” I said. “Be careful.”

Then we settled in for a little while. Naisa had brought along a train which was a source of conflict for Yonah for a few minutes before he settled in with his ‘robot-car’. I decided to do some writing. It wasn’t quiet for very long, though. Soon, there were people coming in and out. 

First, a man came to take the coffee maker (which we found out was broken) out and replace it with a new one. 

“Hi. What’s your name?” Yonah asked him. 

“My name’s Bud, what’s yours?” he replied. 

“I’m Yonah. Look! I have a car!”

Then there was Mark, the other repairmen. He was the one who was working on our car, and so when Yonah showed him his car, he said, “I’m working on a car just like that.”

Because Yonah was interacting with him, Mark had asked Yonah what his name was. 

Quietly, sitting in the chair next to me, Naisa said, “I want him to know my name. Why didn’t he ask for my name?”

Another person, a delivery woman, bringing car parts and other supplies to the shop, popped in three times, dropping off boxes of various sizes for the cars that were being repaired. 

“Hello again!” She said breathlessly, as she entered the shop for the third time, with a third box. “So many stops today!”

When Mark came back into the office area for the second time, Naisa got her wish. “What’s your name?” Naisa asked Mark. 

“I’m Mark,” he said, pointing to his name tag on his work shirt. “What’s yours?”

“I’m Naisa,” she said, with a big smile. 

Another man entered the office, this time to talk to George about scheduling an inspection for his van. Yonah wandered over to him to show him his car, “Look! I have a car!”

“Yes, yes you do!” the man replied, smiling at him and at me. 

Despite the business of the office, the car was finished quickly and we were on our way home before ten in the morning, with plenty of time left in the day for asking strangers what their names were. We left with a “Merry Christmas!” and with two children who now enjoy waiting at the car garage.  

Waiting waiting waiting

We made an offer on a house nearby. They accepted the offer. We had the inspection done. Now we are waiting to do a few more things. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Limbo is a fierce place to be. We don't need to be out of our current place until after we sign for closing.

Waiting. For a dishwasher. and a garbage disposal.
Waiting. For a bedroom for each child.
Waiting. For a first floor exit to a fenced yard.

Mom is starting her third week of radiation and chemo today. But we have still so many weeks left. Everyone is enduring with her. Can't it be December 9th already--when Marie will be home to help and we will be upon the week of closing, When we will have only a few weeks left until Christmas.

When will my Christmas music CDs get here!?!

When will my cravings for packing all be fulfilled and everything in boxes and ready to enter a trailer to our new home?

Anyway.... it's just like waiting for the end of the semester, although I haven't thought about it in that way for many years.

More Stress, More peace

I'm standing here, day-dreaming about our future house. Hoping--hoping that it will be the one with the yard and the basement, three adequate rooms and a dishwasher in the kitchen. Nearby enough that sweet Naisa can continue to do preschool and we can still go to the church community that I have knitted myself into.

I am praying for a smooth transition into a new home. It's time to get out of the rocky sharp situation that we are in now. We have to be out of our apartment by the 3rd of December, for reasons somewhat substantiated, but mostly fabricated by the landlord. This is beyond frustrating and stressful.

We always knew we wanted to buy a house. We even thought about doing it earlier this fall, but then put it off because we wanted to pay for some debt. But then we received a notice, unexpected, because we had found a good balance with our neighbor that is below us, having issues with the children's noise. But yet we received this notice. So we started shopping vigorously.

God is good. I have his peace. I have his strength. And I have His restraint to not allow my mouth to go off, although I should process with someone who has counseling experience. We are choosing to be meek and not weak. We are choosing to allow injustice to happen to us though we could go to court and settle something in our favor. God is good.

Grey. Messy. Purple

My pain is painted gray right now. Gray because it’s monotone sometimes. Gray because it’s a weird middle place that doesn’t have a specific niche to live in. Gray because the brain is gray. Gray because clouds are gray, and clouds bring rain, and we haven’t seen the sun today and I hope we do. Gray because that’s about how much life and energy I have within me to explain to people who don’t know and don’t understand what’s going on with my mom. 

My pain is messy. Most of the time I am emotionally holding it together. But sometimes I’m angry at everything. I start crying to random people that I do not want to know what  i am holding… and then they do. Messy because I am holding it upfront, focusing on it in the foremost so that I have forgotten a couple of things and feel a little off balance (figuratively). 

It’s better than it was. The tumors are out now. But it's not better. It’s not okay. It’s messy. It’s gray. Mom is different. Dad is different. I am different. My sisters are different. The dog is different. We are aware of mortality we hadn’t deemed near a possibility one month ago. But in two days, a month ago, Mom had trouble with balance twice in one day, and our worlds changed. Nothing is the same. 

Healing is purple. Life. Vibrant. Vocal. Smiles. Hugs. Healing is remission. Now I know. Now I know what other people have gone through. And I am hoping for a happy ending. I have faith for thirty more years. God, please give us thirty more years. 

On September 7th, doctors discovered two brain tumors via MRI in my Mom’s brain, in her right frontal cortex. Mom had a craniotomy (brain surgery) removing over 95% of the tumors on September 15th. She recovered well and left the hospital on the 17th. On September 20th, we found out it was cancer—glioblastoma multiforme, a grade 4 cancer of the brain. On the 26th of September, the neurosurgeon told us that Mom has one to two years to live, with treatment. Less than 10% make it past two years. We are praying for thirty more.  

Mom in 2012 with Naisa, three months

So I entered a small singing contest

A quick summary of all the new things.

--It's summer! So garden garden garden, and tan tan tan.

--One of my neighbors moved, so no more chickens, and no more garden buddy, but also quieter.
--My children want to play outside all day long.
--I am on page 72 in my Hebrew Harry Potter book. Slowly and surely I am getting better.

--I started working on learning how to write in Hebrew script/cursive. That's how all Israelis write, so that's how we are writing.

Not my writing but an example!!

--My Hebrew is slowing getting better. . . .
--Yonah turned 2 two weeks ago. He impressed the pediatrician with his correct pen holding position, and his coloring of circles, and also his phrases of descriptive feelings, "That's scary." "I don't like it."
--I started doing pushups a little more than two weeks ago. Because I haven't done them in like.... nine years, and I thought it was about time I do them without my knees. And now they are getting easier and my range of motion is improving.
--My parents came to visit a week and a half ago. We had  a picnic, we watched a movie, Naisa saw Finding Dory with Memaw. We grilled. It was very relaxing.
--Ben's parents stopped by for an afternoon recently, we had a picnic, we went to the park, we ate lots and lots of watermelon and turkey hot dogs.
--I entered a small singing contest, solely based in Lancaster County, called, you guessed it, "Lancaster's Got Talent". (No relation or preluding of America's Got Talent, so I will not be on TV."
I will, however, be on the internet. I was chosen in the top twenty finalists. I went on Friday and was recording singing "I'm leaving soon" (an original song about someone you love passing away, to my own (already recorded) piano track. (This was due to the fact that when I went to go get the keyboard to bring along for the recording, it was ninety pounds, awkward, had no case, handle or wheels, none to be found, and I'm afraid I do have limits to how much I can carry for two whole blocks by myself. . .So we finagled a recording (a decent one!) of just the piano part while we were still at the church, and I performed with that recording. ... anyone who knows me know that we can count on one hand the amount of times I have performed without a piano in the last seven years. So I got comfortable after three times through.)
Anyway, this video of me singing my song will be on the internet for voting starting on July 11th. There will be a two week (or three week) voting period, and then on August 5th, the top ten finalists will perform live at Lancaster's First Friday event. So, my friends, if you are reading this, please take thirty seconds of your time to vote (for 4:15 to see my beautiful singing video!!!), starting on July 11th (so ONLY SIX DAYS AWAY!!!!!!)

From Yonah's 2nd birthday

Cute quotes from the kids.
Ben taught them "it's just the wind" when the door jiggles from the wind blowing through the window. So Yonah says that every day.
"Car... blow aWAY!" Yonah shows his concern everyday about the loss of items from blowing away.
"AsSAUCE" applesauce.......

The loudness of Social media

An you describe the unceasing delivery of unimportant news on social media as noise?

I think it's visual noise. It's not what you are looking for. It's a distraction. It makes you forget what you were doing there in the first place. You watch pointless videos and look through other people's pictures that don't mean an iota to you.

I find more meaning in the "quiet" of a blank screen. A meditative state. You don't find that on the internet. You find that in the real world.

Get off the internet and go find the "quiet" off the internet.

And teach your children to do the same.

Dear Conservatives: Learning to mourn when you are uncomfortable.

I keep reading things about this shooting. It's devastating. It's awfully painful.

As a conservative white Christian, sometimes it is easier to brush off the pain of others, especially those I do not understand.

I don't understand people who are homosexual.
I also don't understand African American people.
Or Hispanic people.
Or people from Asian countries.
Or Jewish people.
Or Muslim people..(et al)
And in my lack of understanding, I note my discomfort in the differences in their cultures to mine. But every last one of these people are PEOPLE.
They are human beings, each has a life that deserves to live.
Each is a child of a mother and father, some are sisters and brothers.

I implore you to not brush off the pain of these just because they are different from you.
Do you have parents?
Do you have children?
Do you have siblings?
If so, you can understand.
Try to understand.
Grieve with the families who lost loved ones.

Life is life. Each person did, does, and will matter.

I also implore you to pray for the people in our country who at this time are being radicalized by the Islamic State.
I implore you, though, not to pray for your safety, because if God wills it, he will provide it.
But instead, pray for the souls of these PEOPLE.
Pray that they would seek God and find Jesus, the Prince of Peace.
Without Jesus, they cannot find true peace, and without Jesus, they will not be in heaven celebrating and worshipping Christ at the end.

"Love your enemies, and pray for the people who persecute you."

Let's not reciprocate hate with hate, and terror with terror.
Let's replace hate with love.
Let's show others how Jesus wanted us to live, even if it means to be meek in the face of terror.
God has a plan for each of us, and our lives are not over until God says they are over.
He has a will for each of are lives.
And God is not done with YOU yet.
God is also not done with people of different religions than us.
Let their ears and hearts hear the peace of Christ upon them. 

Jesus prayed for the people who were crucifying him, saying, "Forgive them Lord, they do not know what they are doing."

Let us also show forgiveness, for true healing.

Forgive the terrorists, guys.

There. I said it.

how making 'perfect' coffee gave me wisdom

I turned 25 yesterday.
My kids work me up before there was light in the sky from the sun starting to rise (must have been before 5, I don't know) By the time it was time to get ready, I was tired, tired of my children, and was in "Is this real life?' mode.

We were out of milk, and I like my coffee with milk, and I wanted good coffee on my birthday! Anyone hear me?? So I loaded my slightly-delusional self and my nutty whiney children into our car and drove the two and a half miles to the farm stand and got my freakin milk.

And I made my coffee the way I like it, with a little more honey than usual ... so like 2/3 a teaspoon instead of 1/3 a teaspoon because it was my BIRTHDAY. And that milk was not stirred before I poured it into my coffee so I got CREAM. cream. creamy cream. in my perfect coffee for my birthday. (And yes, I added collagen to it. but there wasn't anything different about that).

While I drank my perfect coffee, my children wanted to watch a Japanese man yodel about chickens video over and over. And so we did, because I needed to laugh and not be an angry lady on my birthday. :) After about five times through we switched to an adorable compilation from 2014 of both of my children when they were tiny (Naisa 21-22 months, Yonah 1week-1 month). Cuteness! Sometimes you need your sister to record your beautiful memories on her video camera.

As I was thinking about the theme of my birthday--do things that I wanted to do despite my 'circumstances' (my circumstances are not bad/horrible/awful. They are just not ideal!). I decided that I needed to spend more time doing things to better me, and not wearing my energy sources and patience stores down to the ground from my children. I am a determined lady and I want to see change and improvement, but often when nap time rolls around, if the kids won't nap, then I have to figure out when to exercise instead. But yesterday, on my birthday (lol), I realized that even if the kids don't nap, I need a break so I need to take that dang break.

And so I am going to MAKE time to have more exercise. And if my kids are cranky because they were too stubborn to take naps, that's their fault. I will have my alone time. I need to refuel so that I can function!

I am usually a very selfless person, and so that means making breakfast for and feeding/cleaning up/bathing/setting up shows on the computer/ whatever the kids wanted to do before I take care of myself. So that often means a snack breakfast and a snacky lunch (meaning I take one thing out of the fridge, eat it, then another thing, instead of cooking something, putting it on a plate or in a bowl, and sitting down to eat it.

So HERE's to a year of sitting down to plates of food and eating, and exercising more because my body and mind deserves it! And here's to QUIET time even if they are fighting behind that door.

Being a mother

Now I am a mother.
-I parent my children.
-I encourage other peoples children.
-I love other mothers.
Now I feel pain much more clearly.
-I feel it. Your pain is my pain now.
-With great love comes great grief.
-Each day has a few tears for the pain of someone else's loss.
-Now I want to love the pain away.
-Let me love the pain away.
Now I understand righteous anger.
-The mama bear tendency frames and focuses me.
-I want to change situations. I want to care. I want to love. I want to foster
-I want to nourish and love as many people as I can.
Now I am overcome with unconditional love.
-I can't stand my children sometimes, but if they nap too long I worry about them.
-I look at pictures of my kids after they go to bed sometimes.
-What a life we have together.
Now I treasure time and cherish moments.
-Every adorable (and annoying) stage will pass
-I don't want to blink and my children be teenagers and glued to phones
- I will turn off the screen and let my children be my joy and entertainment.
Now I laugh at silly things.
-Every single day has more laughter when we change our attitudes to appreciate it
Now I grow.

Letting Go and Living On

I have been processing a lot lately.

My last great grandparent died a couple weeks ago. Though I didn't have a close relationship with him, there is still many emotions that appear when one attends a funeral. He was a Mason,  World War II Veteran, and  Volunteer Firefighter, but the most meaningful salute was actually the firefighter salute. There were five firetrucks at the burial, with their ladders extended.  After the army salute (in which seven veterans each fired three shots, one played taps, and they presented the flag that was on his casket to Sonya, Grandpa's wife), they went on the intercom (on a speaker) and said,"Howard Souder, (pause), this is your last call." and then let out one long siren.

A friend from college and her husband (also a friend from college), lost their sweet baby boy. My heart hurts so vividly with them. They are in my prayers often. God is working them through each step right now.

I have also taken to reading several biographies of Christians (I read Bonhoeffer, now I'm reading 7 Women, by the same author -- Eric Metaxas), and, as every biography ends, each person dies. Some people (like Susana Wesley) lived with such loss (so many babies died after birth!) and many still lost children in war, to illness, even as young adults. It is much for my heart to bear.

My mom's mom passed away Saturday. Although I have had several great grandparents pass away, I have not had anyone closer to my heart pass away until Grandma Epp. We will be traveling to Kansas in the next couple of days for the funeral, visitation, and some family time.

I had been able to go to Kansas to see Grandma in several years, and we were planning to go to Kansas this year to see them. And now we are, just in a different way. About a month ago, I called her and had a nice conversation with her, updating her on our lives and connecting with her, because it has been a long time since I had talked with her. Then we got to Skype with her on Mom's phone last week, when she was still talking some, and winking and smiling. And talking with Mom on a daily basis about how Grandma was doing and the changes in family emotions was cheering.

So what is grief? Grief is losing the person you love so dearly. Grief is letting go of this person to God. Grief is also losing the way the life's rhythm you found comfort in for a time, and moving through grief is letting go of wishing it was still the old way and moving oneself forward in life that's different.

So how does someone move on? They just do. Every single day, we get up and do life (however abridged) until it becomes a season of harvest again.

How do we cherish those who have already passed on? I recognized that I did not have the closest relationship with my mom's mom, but I recognize that the character of my grandma, her diligence, her humor, her personality, are all reflected immensely in my own mother. So I am very thankful for the vital role she played in my mother's life, making her who she is now.

Another thing I have been thinking about is how worship songs that we sing at church are focused on what Christ has done for us as we continue to live here on earth. As I have been reflecting on the gift of being with Jesus after death, and how much this appears in Scripture (longing for God to call them home), I have been wondering where are the worship songs for us as we pass on to death.

The answer is in hymns, and yes, there are some worship songs that talk about seeing Jesus in heaven. But certainly not a whole lot. Perhaps I will write one some day.

I have been praying more and more, when the pain and suffering of others aches in my heart, "Come Lord, Jesus, come". I am ready for the world that has no more tears, Lord!

end of March life update

The weather has been milder, and we are seeing the sun earlier and earlier. :D I have been outside making dirt behave several times a week. Some of my onions are debuting their green stems. I have popped one of two blisters from my spade work breaking up the soil.

I am beginning to enforce mandatory outside time, although it is not as difficult as it used to be, because both little people want to play outside, and do not fight putting on coats and shoes. It used to be fifteen minutes getting ready and fifteen minutes outside and that was not quite worth it for me. But now we are getting better, and sometimes coats are optional.

My neighbor and I are sharing the three chickens that she owns, who live at the back of the garden. So every other week, I feed, water, and scrape poop off the floor of their house in the morning, and around lunch time there are about three eggs waiting for me. We have decided to make T-tshirts that say, "My pet made my breakfast."

I am in the middle of the T-tapp 60 day challenge. I decided to force  motivate myself to do three long workouts a week, and then anything extra would be exceeding my goal. I am also doing the various extra challenges as they pop up on Facebook--this week's was Awesome Legs (a leg movement that tones inner, outer thighs, and hips), and two weeks ago it was a movement for the abdomen. Since I am not expecting either inch loss or weight loss to be super dramatic (because I lose slowly or in spurts, but it all equals out over time), I am getting a little lazy about weighing and measuring myself.  Mainly because I wear fitting clothes enough to know if there are any changes (and I have noticed some, but again, not dramatic), so I know I am not in need of changing anything. Also, I decided that I needed to take a break from "counting" calories. It was just tedious and I've been maintaining for a little while. I started using sort of a macro portion control method used by Beachbody.... but I have corrupted it a little to include more fat because I believe in fat!! If you want to know how I figured that out, let me know, lol!

At the mom's group I attend weekly, we are going through Daniel with Beth Moore. I am enjoying it because it has a very interesting perspective. Beth always does. And it requires me to get into the word every day, and I appreciate that. I also have been working hard to get together with some of the moms from moms group because I need friends! :D This is good for me and for them. We all live within twenty minutes of each other so it's not hard, we just have to make room in our schedules for it!

I started reading a Biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Now this is INTERESTING!! מענין. (that's hebrew for interesting. pronouced MenYen). rabbit trail!! This book is a perfect faith builder--we get glimpses for Bonhoeffer's theology and sermons, but not enough to bore me, and it has historical aspects that keep me captivated--he lived in Germany during the first world war and the died during the second world war. And (so far), he was a gifted teacher and presenter of the Gospel, really waking people up to Christ. It ignites the fire in me to remember to keep on delivering grace to people, but also showing them the Gospel is vital for them.

Interestingly enough, it also points out how higher education in present day is a weakling limp noodle in comparison to what it was eighty years ago! Like my degree, for example... people wouldn't even think to go to school for something like that in the 20s and 30s. It is important, but the pastor really was the social worker in this period of time in Europe.

Ben's parent's washer broke and so they gave us their dryer, and so now we have a dryer! This is a major improvement on our home! this past winter was a stretch for me, but between our neighbor letting us use her dryer occasionally (we trade things), and having several milder days (if you have sun, even if it's freezing, things will dry, but they will freeze first, and the part of clothing around the clothespin will probably not dry, but it's better than having too much moisture in the apartment). And everything else we dried inside our apartment (which wasn't the majority).

And we also survived the winter with Dyson hot +cool fans instead of using baseboard heating all the time. We used the heater int he kitchen only on particularly cold mornings and the kids baseboard heater at night because it functions efficiently in the side of room that they have.

Ben and I continue to study Hebrew. We have approximately four lessons each week, about 3.5 hours. We do homework and practice speaking together some of the time. We are definitely getting better, and making improvements. I still want to speak more and need names for most things in the house still, but we are getting better. Still learning tenses and different verb structures and rules. But I like it!

We enjoy seeing family occasionally--we saw Ben's family for Easter, and my parents are coming to see us soon. We saw Marie in February when she came back to get her visa stuff figured out.

I joined the worship team at church and play piano and do harmonies (and one song I did lead, on Palm Sunday) once a month. This is a great thing for me--not only for my soul and to stretch my fingers, but to finally have a method to intentionally get to know people in the congregation besides in the nursery.

i'm working through my old fiery trials still

I decided to write this blog because I've been in a weird rut in my mind. Lately, it's taken to remembering things in a slanted view point, in attempts to make me feel inadequate, then guilty, for having such memories. But there is a God who loves me and wants to rewrite the memories of my past. I refuse to look at the things that have hurt me and let them continue to hurt me. I'm done with that. I need to forgive, I need to forget. I need to let go. I need to feel freedom for the emotional baggage of things I could not control and cannot change.

About five and a half years ago, my life changed. I was hurt, broken, confused. What did God do?

God surrounded me.  My group of friends surrounded me, prayed over me, let me live in their room (until the school made me move out...), encouraged me, resurrected my inner beauty confidence, rejoiced with me, healed me. God took this time to give me a support group. My soul was bare and bruised, and my friends picked it up, put it back, and tended to it.

God enriched me. I found ways to write out my hurt, move on with my heart. I am better. I can see the world from better eyes, and I have been taught to not settle for the present options if they are mediocre.

God affirmed me.  Despite heartbreak in the beginning of a semester of college, I put my heart into the degree I desired. I worked at it, I learned I grew, and when that broke too, God still affirmed me in my education.

God showed me forgiveness and redemption. I was broken from the brokenness of it all. I was broken from the sin that was there and the heavy duty commitments I had made that were broken.

And God took my heart in His hands, and took my hand and pulled me out of my darkness into an incredible raw real beauty that only He could create. He put the breath back in and tended the fire of passion in my soul and started the engine again. And I picked up speed and I opened my eyes to the world around me as I passed by. And I learned, and I loved and I felt every step again. 

My heart was full again. 

A year and a half later I took a test and I passed. And a treasure began to accumulate inside.

And suddenly I was viewing the world fly by
out of my control,
and I didn't care,
and I didn't want to be doing what I was doing with school
and I just wanted to be married so that the shame and words behind my back wouldn't hurt so badly.

And suddenly my lack of passion and energy caught up to me and dissolved in thousands of tears and feelings of bitterness and betrayal and shame

Everything was blended together and I could see no support from the people I'd looked up to all this time. My friends, my love--they were there for me, but not the people who brought me to that point.

Two professors of mine, at a later time, expressed to me that they opposed the removal of my BSW to a liberal arts with a concentration in Social Work. One, who was on sabbatical at the time felt things would have been different if she'd been there.

But I couldn't--I can't keep dipping into the "what if's" and the "how it could have gone" because that's not how it did go and I can't change it, I couldn't change it.

And I need to let go and let God.

God is still working on me. This was a hard time. These feelings still create a complicated web that I get stuck in, though not as often as I did a few years ago when it happened.

God shows me how to forgive. Although I am stubborn and frustrated (still) by everything that occurred, I begin to look at each person's actions objectively, and begin to understand how each thing happened.

The person that I need to forgive is myself. Even though I did not make the ultimate decisions that removed my intended degree from my possession, and I did not fire myself from my internship, I made decisions that let that happen. I didn't speak up (and I can always give my reasons why, but that still won't change my situation) that my internship wasn't going well. I didn't tell my male professor leading the internship coordination that I was pregnant. I worked hard and things still fell apart because the few places where I didn't work hard were the places that the people who mattered noticed the most and felt were the most important.

God is unfailing. I think the hardest thing to say about this whole situation despite it's outcome is that I didn't fail. I didn't. I did my job, I worked hard. I did my homework, I contributed to class, and I was exhausted and nauseous everyday and I was over-blamed for things that happened, and I was uncomfortable with confiding in my male professor that I was pregnant, and I thought that I had made better connections with the leadership at my internship than I did, and before I knew it, everything had flip-flopped and I was sitting in my car, with tears continually running down my face trying to pick up the pieces and figure out how I was going to tell my professor, and friends, and family that I had been fired, because it was as much of a surprise for me.

It is easy to say now that everything was over-reacted. It's like my internship supervisor and my professor and all the people who looked at the evidence provided were on the pregnancy hormones running through my veins at the time. And the decisions that they made, several times through voting, broke my heart.

So my grief in this time was not just for the loss of an arrangement of words on my official transcript, but the loss of trust and support from a professor I thought was on my side.

And even in this time, God was seeking me and working to heal me. I was feeling it. I sought the word of God, but it was hard to pray because I was holding so much of this inside, every time I set myself to open my soul to God the grief would spill out.

And I do care that people see that I am alright, and I wanted to be alright and to be done with it and through it, but when I was by myself in our home with our baby with no one to talk to, I would relive these events again, and feel it like it was just a few days ago.

And God. So I still ask myself if I see the conclusion of this event in my mind. Other old, hard memories have been settled. I can't decide if time or remediation or prayer or counseling or something else would give me peace and strength--so I would see the growth and gains I have made from this time.

and of course I can see them--two beautiful children. A strong marriage. a different city, a different state (this helps, of course). Success in other areas, no longer desiring to work in social work (this is a growth, I think, recognizing in myself that I take others stories and apply them to my own family much too easily). Embracing motherhood and the true joys of not having to leave my children to work. Understanding my great desires to work the soil in my garden and grow things.

and I move on. I have worked hard to let Scripture come alive for me and fill my soul so that I gain strength from it. I have written songs that have been better prayers for me. I am a different woman than I was four years ago. Consistently coming back to Scripture until I let the words enter through the cracks in the callus I built up from not wanting to be hurt anymore.

God humbled me. God prepared me. God heals me. God was there in the car when I saw the storm crash around me. He was in the office with me when my degree changed. He was walking beside me every time someone from school took note of my growing belly. He prepared me to overcome my strong emotions and challenges to have a healthy labor.

God is healing me. God is guiding me. 

and I can choose to look at it this way.

weather

For the first time in several months, we did not have to turn on the heat first thing in the morning. The weather is calm now, though yesterday a jump of 30º within a couple hours put us through quite the squall and lightning storm. There was a tornado watch on the county, and our electricity blinked once.

I was on moderate anxiety until the wind slowed, and the storm moved northeast. I wore my head lamp around my neck, just in case the electric left for good, and also wandered into the storage room below our apartment to see if I could open the mysterious door in the floor. I did not explore past discovering its location, but instead knew that this would be the route we would take if there was indeed a tornado on the ground within our vicinity.

Later, I checked my email and saw that there was, indeed, a tornado warning for the county, but it was north east of us by several mile and moving more northeast, so it did not concern me. I felt peace, as our winds had stopped gusting and the lightning subsided. We were not in the eye of the storm. But it made me think about what we would do if there was a tornado that hit our home.

But, as my neighbor has pointed out, there hasn't been a tornado in this area for many many years, if ever. But if I stare out my window, I do not see mountains, I see flat farmland, and it spikes my anxious thoughts when we have an almost perfect storm, like last night.

It appears that there was no tornado where we are, but there was one east of Lancaster in more Amish country. We are blessed that we weren't hit.

http://lancasteronline.com/news/local/fire-officials-reporting-major-weather-event-moved-through-lancaster-county/article_2792b9c0-db36-11e5-9311-673431fc072f.html

I played piano when the wind was blowing pretty fiercely. This was very calming for me, and I felt the peace of God, knowing his power was stronger than this, and His will stronger than mine. Thank you Jesus, for your peace!

Tutus and Toys

Naisa and Yonah are both growing more, and becoming more independent of me and Ben. They play together nicely some, and I break up a lot of fights.

Before Christmas, a little to much Katarina and Daniel Tiger has made its way into her brain and she desired to be a ballerina. She located a pair of tights (which we soon found were too small, because not amount of "hiking up" would amount them to stay over her bottom) and her pink "dress" (very much a shirt length now) and wore them incessantly.

Then, Naisa got a tutu for Christmas that she has not taken off... hardly. It is in the rotation of the three or four outfits that she changes to wear each day (a completely different story). Now the tutu is typically the bottom layer, followed by the pink, then, since it's winter, a purple shirt that has a mouse's face on it. (called the kitty mouse sweater, if you must know)

And she also wears a pair of pink tights that the elastic has been broken on for several weeks. . probably after the first week started wearing them, they no longer held themselves up. So we constantly see her tights on her knees, looking like the "stylish" or "cool" guys who attended my high school. On top of these, she wears a pair of ballet slippers that came with the tutu and sometimes her pink boots, which were also a Christmas present.

Naisa is very attached to these pink tights. She has an identical pair of tights in grey that she has not touched, and a pair of nylon tights that are pink and a pair that are white and these she also shuns.

Yonah has discovered the special-ness of the tutu, as Naisa calls it her "costume' and parades around the apartment, sometimes "dancing", but mostly playing, always the emphasis on the tutu. Yonah began to desire the tutu. Naisa has several bright and fluffy shirts to choose from and soon enough, we discovered Yonah putting on the tutu skirts, pulling them on over his pants as high as he could make them go: until the bottom of his diaper. He also learned the word and will say it anytime he is prompted, "tdutdu."

Naturally, one of us felt his little boy mind would be forever swerved toward tutus, and the the other thought a costume was a great idea, although it didn't have to be tutus. So when my sister was in town and we were at the thrift store, we found a barney and big bird costume (if you would call it that.... I call it his big bird hospital gown), and presented those to them. Yonah has lost interest in the tutus at large. He and Naisa are very creative with the toys.. and the not-toys that they play with. Yonah particularly likes the steamer, and the pots and plastic containers. Some have gone missing into the toy basket.

And Yonah and his stools! I cannot have my back turned, because he pulls his stool up the the silverware drawer, picks out a few to stick in his mouth, and puts a few dirty ones in the drawer. And so demanding is he to do the dishes! Every time I turn on the faucet, he runs over to me, hands above his head, ready to get them wet, screaming, "Dishes", which, to him, means, "run water on his hands for at least five minutes, and play with cups on water, typically pouring water out of the sink, onto his clothes.

The obsession with mail in our apartment is out of control. Naisa receives a card or letter in the mail at least once a week, and Yonah has noticed and has begun to demand his own main every time we pick it up at the mailbox. Naisa is specifically sour when we won't give her something in an envelope after we've made a trip to the mailbox. But then, Naisa, when she Does receive something in the mail, she refuses to open it, instead to cherish looking at it. Probably fascinated with the smoothness of the envelope, and she brings it to the stash of mail that she has, placed in a special box (this special location changes every couple of days of so), and has asked me to tie a string around it and calls it her present.

Nana has reappeared (I found it behind a pile of unfolded (i.e. shoved) towels in the bathroom closet, and presented it to her, and it has taken on a different role, now that it has been several months since she last 'needed' it. Now it is a toy, and still a comfort at night, but no longer needed at nap time, and is sometimes forgotten. It also no longer exits the house, and remains quite clean, as she no longer r requires it to attend dinner with her. Yonah's blanket "blanket", on the other hand, could do with washing, as could Naisa's tutu (although I managed to sneak her tights in the the wash last week, knowing that we could use the dryer of our neighbor to speed the drying, because it was too cold out side.

Yonah's vocabulary has been expanding, slow and steady. New words that I have been hearing: brush, nina (he learned the name of Naisa's blanket. ha!) memaw, josh (that's ben's cousin), milk, eat (I hear this, sometimes at 4:30 in the morning). Berries, banana, bread, milk, apple. and outside , and all done, and down and lots and lots of nonsense language that tends to be much more descriptive about his present situation. This shows that you don't need to know a language to get your basic needs met. ha!

Lately, Yonah and Naisa love to play with the blankets we have in the living room: the big afghans and quilts. They lie wrapped in them,  resting on the couch and on the floor, and I often hear contagious giggles when one throws the blanket on the other.

ah, I know everything is a phase, and these things, once bright and memorable in my mind, will pass away from my distinct memory.

לֹלמוד עברית (Learning Hebrew)

At the beginning of the year, Ben found  website called italki.com that connected people who wnted to learn a language with a tutor that is a certified teacher in teaching the language of their choice.

Ben has been interested in learning Hebrew since 2013 when we started learning Biblical Hebrew. Then last summer we got Modern Hebrew on Rosetta Stone. It was challenging to adjust to the letters and the completely different soundinh words, but the familiarity has become second nature for many words now.

When he found this site, and found some teachers that looked high quality and worth checking out, we decided to do some trial lessons and see how it went. It went really well and we have been taking lessons for a month now and we have improved drastically. The motivation level helps when you have a weekly or biweekly lesson and homework to prepare for.

There was another website, called memrise, that has a community that puts together flash cards with audio on some for learning vocabulary. This has been a great motivating tool for me because I love competition (you get points for learning and reviewing words).

During a lesson, we use Skype and a Google Doc that we can both contribute to and work through topics that we need to learn and new vocabulary words. Today we we working on numbers and shmichoot (which is construct state) and more vocabulary. We have conversation, sometimes scripted and sometimes attempted natural. We also talk about our lives in English and we get to know our teachers.

The cost ranges from 20/hr to 30/hr for a certified teacher, but most languages are affordable, and one can always choose a language partner or community tutor that is not certified and pay less or not at all.

The goal is fluency in the home (!) and to teach our children this language, so it will be interesting to see where we are six months from now and one year from now. We plan on using our tutors for as long as it takes.

Have a question? Ask me!

Being geniune and patient

What does it mean to be genuine as a Christian?

It means being kind when it's really hard, sometimes.

When we reach out to people, makes plans, and want to help change people to the right direction and there is no movement from the other side, it can be very hard to bounce back to, "That's okay, let's try again when you have time."

God changes hearts in his time, not ours. It is our calling to be Christ for them in the meantime. How would Jesus respond to someone who ignored your efforts to spend time with them? With grace.

So we must also have grace, even if we are very angry about it.

Let me just say, anger when someone cancels with no thought to your feelings is justified!

But do not act on that anger, or you will have shamed the name of Christ.

Think about it. If you have a developed friendship with a person, you may show them your frustration, but if this is someone you hardly know, when in doubt, show grace. If they do not apologize, still forgive them. They may not be in a place where they understand you are trying to help.

This is a great time to pull out that "Ya'll don't know me!" phrase. This is the front, the cover, the way a person protects themselves especially if they have been abused in their vulnerability before. This is the defense mechanism that has worked in the past, and gotten them through hard situations.

The most important thing is to admit that you really don't know what they are going through. Everything you see on the outside is multiplied by 100 on the inside. If they look hurt on the outside (or on facebook), know that that vulnerable human being needs and needs, but isn't ready for your Christianity yet.

Ugh ugh ugh

If someone is addicted to sex or drugs, you can show them Jesus but they might not take him seriously because they still have the needs they think they have for the sex or drugs. It's a hard road to walk with someone on. In my social work classes, we talked about meeting basic needs: food water shelter, then helping find a job, then working through their emotional deals, THEN (thenthenthenthenthen) spiritual needs can be discussed and paid attention to.

This is why we need to be Christ through food, water, shelter, clothing, and housing.

Now you understand.

So in my situation, there are other needs that need to be met. I need to be patient, and pray, because prayer is the most powerful thing we can do here on earth.


And show grace. and patience, and God will work. 

thoughties!

I drink a lot of coffee. nothing like other people who drink coffee, but to me, I do.

I am struck by the generosity of friends. I appreciate you!

I'm looking forward to the snow we will be getting... and getting some extra water at the store so we are prepared if the power goes out.

I started a food accountability group on facebook. It has been going well so far. We shall see how it does in the long run! There are a good group of ladies involved and I love each of their contributions.

I am still leading the Bible study at mom's group. next week, we begin the last portion of 2 Peter. We have worked all the way through 1 Peter, starting mid November. This has been a good challenge for me.

I am determined to do a read the Bible in a year program this year. So far, I have fallen off the wagon and had to do some bulk reading days several times.

I read, "The First hostage" by Joel Rosenburg for a couple days last week (and I finished it). Talk about an adrenaline pumping book. I moaned loudly on and off for the last hundred pages or so because it was so intense.

I am doing really well with my weight loss! This past Monday I weighed in at 185.4 pounds. That is exciting to me! I love having visible progress! The pants that I started having to squeeze into are now getting rather comfortable to wear!

Nobody has gotten sick yet this winter--we have had a very mild winter, and the snow this weekend will be the first that will stick! I hope to be able to build snowmen with Naisa and Yonah!

I got a fitness tracker watch that I have been using (it does not attach to an app--that's what I wanted, I don't have a smart phone). I have been challenging myself a couple of times to get more steps in, because I am naturally a competitive person. Yesterday I decided to stand and step in place while I was watching videos on the computer instead of sitting at the desk. I got in almost 21000 steps yesterday! (I watched Harry Potter #1... so I was stepping for an hour then, and an hour while watchign the tonight show).

Now I am having a conversation argument with Naisa about why she can't watch anymore of her cartoon, so shalom everybody!

reflecting briefly on 2015

This year has been a year of lots of changes:
I went from nursing exclusively to weaning at the beginning of November--Yonah went from 6 months old to 18 months old! He's a big growing boy!
We settled into our apartment and worked for Lifeway for most of the year, then at the end of September, Ben resigned and we started looking for jobs. We found a job listing in a newsletter called the Fishwrapper for a sales position that sounded too good to be true: well paid, company car, small Christian company. Ben did two interviews, and they offered him the position. He started at the beginning of December, just finished training last week, and is selling now. So far he loves it!

I have some comparing pictures to show you. These compare photos that I took of myself in January and then in mid December. I decided I wanted to be really intentional about documenting my body changes (although not excessively).

Between these two pictures, I lost 37.5 inches and 26.5 pounds. Take a look.

January 2015 (left) through December 2015 (right)

Although I lost some weight at the very beginning of the year, the majority of the pounds I lost were in the second half of the year, from July, and then really starting in November, when Yonah weaned.

I also started using myfitnesspal to count my calories and watch my portions, but most importantly, allow myself to actually eat and not deprive myself too much.

It was very challenging for me to lose weight while nursing. It is not for some people, but my body would not let go of the weight easily, and I would not let go of my portions easily.

This year for exercise, I have continued to use T-tapp as my main exercise system. With videos ranging from fifteen minutes (and still effective to lose inches), to slightly over an hour, I have lots of options. I don't kill myself with exercise, but I do attempt to be active over four hours in a week.

Before I had kids, I would run as my main exercise and I have not been able to run (except for a very brief period in 2013 with Laura) since having kids for various reasons, the main one being they are heavy and need to be entertained and so we have not run. When I found T-tapp, short videos that do not injure but instead heal the body and encourage spinal alignment and muscle density, I knew that I needed to try it. I love the videos and that I never reach a plateau with the exercises because they continually challenge.

I also have been dry brushing, which exfoliates the skin, stimulates the lymph, reduces cellulite, and can tighten skin. Let's be honest, I am banking on the tightening of the skin! Two pregnancies, and so far, sixty pounds gone and thirty to forty more to go, I need the tightening of the skin.

Dietarily: I have started going lighter on the gluten (and grains in general). Now, when I plan the menu, we will have rice or pasta for half the meals and the other half will have potatoes, either white or sweet. We buy organic whole wheat pasta, but I have started trying to decide if we should just get the brown rice pasta instead, because the kids like it just fine, and it doesn't take as much energy to cook (you boil for two minutes, then let it sit covered, in the pot for 12-20 minutes, off the heat).

If my husband were writing this blog, this blurb of information would have been first and the focus. We are studying modern Hebrew with several tutors, with the goal to be fluent and the goal to use it in some way with a job, and to teach it to our children.

   !שלומ! אני והבּאל שלי לֹומדים עִברִית! אנחנו ללמידים לילדים שלנו

Yes I did just write that with my Hebrew QWERTY keyboard, so if it's not grammatically perfect, waa waa. I am learning.

Ben had a cyst cut out of his side this year, and we took a beating for the bills, but we were blessed financially this year, so it wasn't anything we couldn't bear.

I memorized James and the beginning of the year and have been working through 1 Peter with my mom's group (but not memorizing it at this time) and am going to start 2 Peter on Wednesday.

I think that's all the summary you need!

Be blessed this year!
Grace