Waves of (Now) Ineffective Intimidation

Stress. It's something inevitable, especially if the first word in your title is "college" and the second is "student." But with stress comes feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. It brings feelings of discouragement, and thoughts of "why am I really doing this?"

But for me stress brings a feeling of relaxation, that is, once it's over. Once I finish the big project, or the reading, or the exam, and I get a grade I am happy with. This is what I can deal with. I can relax and make sense of it all.

Some things that I am currently studying I did not find relevance in when I first started in the classes. Listed as a Biology major planning on a medical future, with sixty credits to push me through college a little faster than most, I vigorously took two science courses this semester, to total 17-18 credits for my semester.

I figured since I pushed myself in high school with college credits, that I could handle the load plus one or two more classes with flourish. But within the first week of classes, I was struck with a Pocohauntus song, to listen to my heart, and challenged by my own honors class to" learn what I love and love what I learn." At that point, I knew I wasn't loving what I was learning. And I made it through most of the semester without loving the classes.

But I found relevance. In my Honors class, we were required to complete a personal impact project, and I challenged myself with not throwing away trash for two weeks. What I did not expect was that it was going to affect me totally and completely.

All of a sudden, the environment mattered. I'm not even sure how on earth I got there. And when I went to DC for my interview, I was overwhelmed by the thought that being a pacifist was related to environmental studies and these things could be something that I would study in the future.

So Biology started to be relevant, despite the ugly "C" on my midterm, and the stubbornness, in which I refused to study or care, suddenly made me realize that it was relevant. It made a difference in the future options that I might pursue, as it could be a step toward an Environmental Stability endorsement with my (as of right now currently planning to have a) Liberal Arts Major.

And I'm writing a Lab Report for Biology, and it's not that I'm learning that I have a passion in the subject, but that there are things in the environment that people everywhere need to be aware of, and I think that it maybe something that I need to share with the world. Awareness that if we aren't careful, we could accidently transport an invasive species and disrupt the entire ecosystem. Not many Americans know that the government spends $27,000 per second on the military currently. Not many humans in general know that those with homosexual tendencies were born that way, they did not, in fact, chose to be that way.

I was working on my Chemistry Labs so that I can relax during Thanksgiving break, and I was suddenly realizing the relevance of the labs. We were testing the SPF of sunscreens in one, and the amount of caffeine in energy drinks in the other, to see if the labels were actually accurate. Although some of those answers were not clear, it's a statement in itself that we as humans tend to trust the labels that are on things that we consume.

If I go to the store and buy some tomato juice, I trust that it's going to actually be tomato juice, not blood. Or I trust that the Tylenol that I'm taking is only 200 milligrams, not 2000.

So the fact that we are testing it in class makes it more relevant, although, I'm still not sure where the knowledge of nuclear reactions is going to assist me in any environmental studies, although I suppose that if I have to deal with a large amount of nuclear damage, that eventually that would be beneficial.

The other class that I was certain would be easy and almost silly after the first week of classes was Ethics in the Way of Jesus. The professor's teaching method threw me and my friends through a loop and we spent attended class periods coloring pictures and occasionally participating, every time there was an option.

But the readings challenged me. They led to my Personal Impact Project. And living for God through how I live suddenly became physical and environmental. I realized that I wanted to be equal to people with less. So, this class has been the most influencial.

So I'm learned that stress can be overcome with motivation. And apathy can be overcome with relevance. :)

Taking One for the Team

Today was my first Not-So-Good day. 

I'm not sure where it started going bad--Honors went really well.

Lunch was a good experience. 

Maybe it was that Biology lab. We did an experiment (ugh, and I still have to finish the lab part) and it involved holding our breath underwater in a container. Not my favorite thing to do. 

The other thing I don't like so far is the pre class exams that I have taken in Biology and Chemistry. They are to assess what needs to be taught to us, but they make me feel stupid, unprepared, and like a failure.

After this, I went back to the dorm, exhausted and spent time with Deanna, Monica, and Alisha, and we went to the Den for supper and that was fun. I had Michelle take my picture for my running for Senator. 

Then our hall prepared for the Variety show, and we went over early. I had to see if I made Chamber Singers. I didn't. It was like a tiny devil,  of "You really aren't that good" started kicking my shins.  He continued kicking my shins all the way through the variety show, so much that I didn't really enjoy it, and our skit had a major broken part. 

I felt like a failure who couldn't act or sing and so I walked back to the dorm, grabbed some piano music, and went down to the lounge in my dorm and played piano and cried.  It's not like the entire world walks through the lounge, but one of the guys on the mens' soccer team was walking through, and asked if I was okay.

I'm learning to be honest. I said No.

He offered to give me a hug and said his name was Tripp (I think.) That was very kind of him.

I was still recovering when a guy stepped in and asked if I was going to continue to play piano.

He said he'd go get a shirt and be back and come listen.

So I played some of my stuff, and some of Chopin's stuff and some of Schumann's stuff. It was a good combo. We got to talking. It turns out Martin plays on the basketball team. And he said he wanted to come listen to me play whenever I did. 

He was very honest, which was appreciated.

"So, you're smart, an amazing musician, you want to be a doctor, but you always date jerks. What's the catch?"

I truly have no idea. Anyone want to do an analysis?