Grateful Giver

It hit me hard yesterday.

The movie and music choices didn't help much either.

All the commercials for movies and it seems that every song in the entire world is about love. Missing love. Love being far away. Love happening. Getting married. It seems that our culture is consumed by this. It's an obsession.

"Why you do Obsessed with me? I just wanna know..." Even Mariah is feelin' it. But the fact is we take little situations and write overexaggerated songs about them.

It's not that I don't care about Love. It's just that my love and I don't have the average American relationship. Probably because he's going to Africa. I may get to talk to him once a week through Skype, but we aren't even sure about that. It takes a month for mail to be delivered to where he's going.

For me, it's this constant back and forth sway of emotions.

He needs to go. There's no other thing he can do. He's prepared for this. He's taken care of business at training. He's made a difference in Harrisburg, and now he'll go make a difference in Guinea Bissau.

I need him to go. I know that the spiritual growth that has happened in the past two months is part of what he needs to do. I know that this is what God's plan is for him.

But I don't want him to go. We've been apart for so long. It's so rough for me to go, day in and day out, and see the fortunate couples who get to spend time with those they love everyday. And I see them take that person for granted. I don't take him for granted. Every second he'll be here will be met with an equal amount of thankfulness that I'll be able to spend this second, this minute, this day with him, because there will be eight months of seconds, minutes, days, that I won't be able to see him.

I've been challenged by God to give of the things that matter to me. This is something that I need to be willing about. But I'm selfish. I'm bitter. I'm wishing and waiting, and seconds still tick by at the same speed as before.

What am I complaining about? I'm not his family. I'm not a member of the group of people that have known him his whole life. I'm the girlfriend. In love with him. And we haven't even spent that much time together, but we've made a point to communicate with each other, to give the other trust and love in ways no one else can receive from us. That's why I complain. And he hasn't left yet. I get to spend five WONDERFUL days with him before he drives back, before he leaves the country until we are both a year older, with the experiences and maturity that a nineteen-year-old normally gets when they go to DC or to Africa.

Can I handle it? No. With God's guidance. Yes, I can. Yes, I am.

That's the one thing that has struck me--that I will consistently be a mess around my friends every time one of them talks about their boyfriends, or listens to a love song, unless I hold tight to the One who will not let go.

This I learned this Sunday at church, and this Monday (today) as I listened to my mother's sermon.

From Pastor Ben's sermon,

* we are all built to be dissatisfied with what we have here on earth.

This I have learned to except in my human relationships. We all have faults. We make each other angry. We can't be together when we want to all the time.

*we put out trust in the things we can see. BUT THEY ALL FALL AWAY. Who do we trust? Who should we have trusted all along?

This is when I fall again and again. This statement makes me realize that I depend altogether too much upon the people around me to hold me up. I can do it.

*All is not lost, because God can fill us up. God :), who IS so wonderfully perfect that he didn't need to have humans. BUT GOD IS LOVE, and the purpose of humanity is to enjoy a relationship of love with our God. This is how we are satisfied.

*Turn your focus away from the things that destroy and look to God.

So I'm taking steps to make this about God. It was before, but in a more superficial sort of way.

Monday's sermon. "Grateful Giver"

Mom was talking about the feeding of the five thousand, and how he had the disciples participate in the miracle. We as humans participate in the miracle and then God does the rest.

Maybe I'm participating in the miracle and if I become the inhibitor, it won't be.

Zach, I love you. I love you as you go away from me. Go. Don't hesitate. I know you need to do it. I can and I will wait until you come back for what the future. holds. Don't let me hold you back.

Waves of (Now) Ineffective Intimidation

Stress. It's something inevitable, especially if the first word in your title is "college" and the second is "student." But with stress comes feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. It brings feelings of discouragement, and thoughts of "why am I really doing this?"

But for me stress brings a feeling of relaxation, that is, once it's over. Once I finish the big project, or the reading, or the exam, and I get a grade I am happy with. This is what I can deal with. I can relax and make sense of it all.

Some things that I am currently studying I did not find relevance in when I first started in the classes. Listed as a Biology major planning on a medical future, with sixty credits to push me through college a little faster than most, I vigorously took two science courses this semester, to total 17-18 credits for my semester.

I figured since I pushed myself in high school with college credits, that I could handle the load plus one or two more classes with flourish. But within the first week of classes, I was struck with a Pocohauntus song, to listen to my heart, and challenged by my own honors class to" learn what I love and love what I learn." At that point, I knew I wasn't loving what I was learning. And I made it through most of the semester without loving the classes.

But I found relevance. In my Honors class, we were required to complete a personal impact project, and I challenged myself with not throwing away trash for two weeks. What I did not expect was that it was going to affect me totally and completely.

All of a sudden, the environment mattered. I'm not even sure how on earth I got there. And when I went to DC for my interview, I was overwhelmed by the thought that being a pacifist was related to environmental studies and these things could be something that I would study in the future.

So Biology started to be relevant, despite the ugly "C" on my midterm, and the stubbornness, in which I refused to study or care, suddenly made me realize that it was relevant. It made a difference in the future options that I might pursue, as it could be a step toward an Environmental Stability endorsement with my (as of right now currently planning to have a) Liberal Arts Major.

And I'm writing a Lab Report for Biology, and it's not that I'm learning that I have a passion in the subject, but that there are things in the environment that people everywhere need to be aware of, and I think that it maybe something that I need to share with the world. Awareness that if we aren't careful, we could accidently transport an invasive species and disrupt the entire ecosystem. Not many Americans know that the government spends $27,000 per second on the military currently. Not many humans in general know that those with homosexual tendencies were born that way, they did not, in fact, chose to be that way.

I was working on my Chemistry Labs so that I can relax during Thanksgiving break, and I was suddenly realizing the relevance of the labs. We were testing the SPF of sunscreens in one, and the amount of caffeine in energy drinks in the other, to see if the labels were actually accurate. Although some of those answers were not clear, it's a statement in itself that we as humans tend to trust the labels that are on things that we consume.

If I go to the store and buy some tomato juice, I trust that it's going to actually be tomato juice, not blood. Or I trust that the Tylenol that I'm taking is only 200 milligrams, not 2000.

So the fact that we are testing it in class makes it more relevant, although, I'm still not sure where the knowledge of nuclear reactions is going to assist me in any environmental studies, although I suppose that if I have to deal with a large amount of nuclear damage, that eventually that would be beneficial.

The other class that I was certain would be easy and almost silly after the first week of classes was Ethics in the Way of Jesus. The professor's teaching method threw me and my friends through a loop and we spent attended class periods coloring pictures and occasionally participating, every time there was an option.

But the readings challenged me. They led to my Personal Impact Project. And living for God through how I live suddenly became physical and environmental. I realized that I wanted to be equal to people with less. So, this class has been the most influencial.

So I'm learned that stress can be overcome with motivation. And apathy can be overcome with relevance. :)

Ambitious Ambiguity

I just spent an epic twenty four hours in Washington D.C., attempting to decide my future internship. It was intense, as I had to work to choice between several different internships before I even came to D.C. to interview.

However, that statement itself is ambiguous. I had assistance picking out my internship. One just clicked with my personality. In fact, it was less of an internship and more of a mentorship, and much more laid back and calm than any internship interview would be.

The guy that I rode to Washington D.C. with, Andrew, had two interviews, both of them pretty intense. The idea with internship interviews in D.C. with WCSC is that an interviewee would do research on the company that they are going to work with. I'm pretty sure that he had to do that. And more.

The hardship of my internship shadowing experience was the metro at 6:00 am. And also the fact that I was navigating D.C. myself. This went well, and I arrived at the first school before classes started. The person I was shadowing was supposed to come and meet me, but he never did, so I waited until second period to meet him. Then after that I attended the first class on Peace Studies (for me) of the day. It was informing. The school was large, but well-behaved. Reminded me of Streetsboro. But the point is, that is one of the good schools in the D.C. area. And then when the class was finished, there was another metro ride. This one was much shorter and I arrived, walked in the wrong direction a couple times, and then figured out where I was going, and arrived at the second high school. This was the exact opposite of the first school. There was a metal detector at the entrance, and I was asked for my I.D. (which I didn't have. Yikes!). Colman (the teacher which I was in the process of shadowing) told the entrance guard that I was with him. Probably mentioned I was from a school that promoted peace, because she let me in without any worries. The sign said, "Please remove all metal from your person before walking through the metal detector." So I went to go unscrew my tongue stud, but the lady told me that it was fine. There was security in the hall, and students openly swearing like sailors, but it wasn't intimidating. I'm not sure exactly why it wasn't, because I feel like that would be something that would freak me out. But I wasn't.

This class discussion was different. The class period was twice as long. But the discussion in this class was way more in depth than the classes at the "better" high school. I felt like the students had a better relationship with Colman at this point. That was when "Outliers" kicked in, and I was reminded that it's not the level of class that designates the students' abilities of learning, it's their drive to learn. I was impressed by this.

After that class, I was to eat lunch at any place close by. I had seen Whole Foods on my way in, and decided that it was where I wanted to eat. It was the healthiest grocery store in the country (?) or something, and then I walked to the back of the store, and I saw the buffet--there were three or four different buffet tables and too many options. I got some chicken curry, some squash and some beans, and then I went up to the register to pay. But when I was there in line, I realized (as I had) earlier, that my wallet was still MIA, and I thought I had enough cash in my pocket, but I was poorly mistaken. There were two dollars in my pocket but that was it. I was freaking out, thinking (insanely) that I would have to eat out dumpsters my first day in D.C. because I couldn't pay for the food. But the cashier said, "We'd have to throw it away anyway, so you might as well take it." So I did get to eat, which was wonderful.

Then I took a shuttle to American University and waited for the upper level class that Colman taught to commence. It was a two and a half hour long class, though, and I was cold, tired, and developing a headache (from stress maybe?) and when it finally ended, we had to wait for the shuttle, and then for the metro. I met several nice people. It was like being a commuter to school again, and my late evening Spanish class at UA. I may have gotten a headache from meeting so many different new people. Then I got back to the WCSC house, and scared the heck out of one of the residents who I had not met the night before. (I followed her inside). Then Andrew and I left, and we both talked nearly the entire way back, because we were just full of information and probably excitement, and caffeine. McDonald's. We got back at nine o'clock ish. I completely missed the Chem lab I was going to go to. But for the most part, it was ok.

I say Ambitious Ambiguity because I feel like my trip to D.C. was a little over emphasized, and added a little extra stress to my world this past week. I didn't get to run, besides indoor soccer, and I was stress half the week trying to find a ride, and then Emily found me one (thank goodness). Then there was also the stress of my chemistry exam that I didn't do amazingly well on, so it was just a big pile of things adding up even more.

But this weekend was rejuvenating, which was amazing. I was very content with the rest that I received, the friendships that were built upon, and the conversations that were held. I hope this next week isn't as bad.

"So Grace, what is love?"

My friend Stacey and I went to Harrisburg last Saturday. We drove out Friday night and Lydia and her friend Hope, along with several YES staffers, a few neighbors, Stacey, myself, and also the girls we half-transported to home piled into Chris and Katie's wonderful home and watched the second half of Three Musketeers. We ate halloween candy and popcorn, and stayed up long after the movie ended, and the YES staff, the neighbors, and the half-transported girls went home.

We sang "Three Chartruese Buzzards" until twelve in the morning. The next day was filled with wondrous excitement, as we got to join the YES trainees for lunch, and then joined them for their work project later. It was an exhausted three thirty when we sadly left the work site and said our goodbyes. I was physically and mentally dead tired when we got back to Chris and Katie's. We ate the most scrumptious beef stew from a pumpkin!, as it was Halloween. Then Stacey and I had to leave. Homework was calling our names.

Every time I leave Harrisburg, I wonder why I'm leaving. I don't feel that way about any other place I have lived. It overwhelms me a little bit, because I have realized how much I love it there.

Stacey and I were talking about what we learned on the way back. Through the Honors Program, she was assigned to be my mentor, but it's been kinda vice versa--several times I have been the one to initiate activities... We went to Gift N Thrift together, to my grandparents for dinner, and then on this trip to Harrisburg. So it was funny, but serious, when I asked her, "What did you learn this weekend?"

The point of the trip was to explore the idea of doing the YES program , which was why I was slightly surprised by her answer. "I rediscovered why I'm going to school for education. I knew I wanted to do it, but I have been running away from the idea of finishing my education degree for awhile now. Those girls opened my eyes to the love of teaching again."

"What did you decide for YES then?" I knew, then, that she wouldn't be coming to YES with me next year.

"I definitely want to be a part of YES. I had a great time working with everybody this weekend. But I need to finish up my degree first. I have been running away from these circumstances surrounding me, and I figured out this weekend that 'for everything, there is a season.' I need to tough this season out so that I can be content in the next one."

I was encouraged by her willingness to push through this rougher season in her life. I have been there. I understand when it's like that, and I have to say that I would more likely to be the one running away from the situation. In some ways, I think I'm still running away from some situations. Broken friendships and relationships.

Then Stacey asked me, "What did you learn this weekend?"

I personally wasn't expecting this questions. I guess I'm too used to being the facilitator, rather than the learner. But either way, I did learn something.

"I learned that I can't wait to have kids. They are hysterical. I learned that I can't stand leaving Harrisburg every time I do. I knew this the first time I left, yet now I know that I belong there."

It's kind of like working at Camp. The staff are so close you can almost see the bonds between everyone, and it's only been two months in training. It's so tight and you grow so spiritually strong and grow in relationship with each other that there's this development between each person that is life-long strong. I know I will thrive in this type of situation. I'm motivated not to be the one on the outside anymore.

Somewhere along in the conversation, I was talking about Zach, who is also part of the training. I spoke about how it great it was to see him, how he was more cute than I remembered, and at the end, I mentioned something about the fact that I loved him, and Stacey followed up directly with, "Okay Grace, what is love?"

It was a good question. I said so. :)

"Love is when you can leave a visit and feel more beautiful than when you came. Love is undeserved compliments. Love is the trust two people have, knowing overall that they won't cheat. Love is challenging. Love is arguments and frowns, and sometimes bitter words. But love is also communication, smiles-- it's sweeter than candy. Love is knowing you really want to say something but not saying it because words can't really express. Love is saying the very words you feel, whether good or bad. Love is a homemade meal. You know it's love when it makes you better."

And for me, it's made me better.

I don't know the road ahead, but I know that today, now, I'm different than I was before I started dating Zach, and I'm glad for that.

Rebound

We were driving down the highway. It was cold and dark. The wipers weren't as fast as the drops attacking the car like piranhas. I was exhausted. The next road wasn't coming up fast enough. Finally, I saw it--passed it--looked back to the road. There was a red light, like the red eyes of an wild animal filled with rage. Three cars lined up obediently--in my lane--as I inevitably rushed toward them. I feebly attempted to brake. I slammed the pedal to the floor, begging for mercy. But the wheels had no remorse for their actions--and brutely ran into the white car in front of me.

Immediately the slightly burnt smell of powder filled up my nostrils, as an airbag was expelled and cushioned my face as I was jerked forward. I felt no pain. It hit me in slow motion. I hit another car. Things started to expand around me. The groans of shock, realization, and surprise of the friends in my car. The screams of unprepared fear of the passengers from the cars I had hit, as they got out of their blemished vehicles. They called the police right away. They called the ambulance right away as well.

It was a blur--I was in a zone. I hit another car. But it didn't hit me that I could have hurt another person. And yet the ambulance was coming for someone. It didn't look serious. Yet how am I to judge? I didn't see their faces.

There were people from Florida other places. They weren't from here. They had lives to get back to. Here I was stopping them from this.

As I stepped out the car, I was filled with the urge to commit my vomit to the ditch on the side of the road. I was shaky. I wasn't ready for this. This responsibility. I wanted to hand the phone of responsibility to somebody that could hold back tears and speak clearly. Yet, somehow I found that person inside of me as I spoke to my father, and to the policeman about what happened. I told it like it was. Fear left me, but worry overcame my thoughts. Where do I go from here? There was no more transportation. Our uncle came, drove an hour and a half out to come get us. There was no more Daewoo. We'll be fine & do without. Anna can borrow someone else's car. I don't have to go to Harrisburg this weekend for relaxation.

I cannot tell you how hard it is to worry. I don't know if the people whose cars I hit are going to press charges, or if they are going to let me be. I don't know if I'm going to have to go to Whitacre to get the tags of my car, or if there's something else I can do. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep well. I don't know if I'm going to bruise or not.

I feel like I'll be able to drive. I just feel like I've lost the trust of anyone who might have lended me their car at some point. I'm fine physically. But I can't handle the fact that there are factors that will hit me tomorrow. I'm going to get a phone call. I'm going to have to make phone calls. I may have to go to court.

Ellie said she prayed when it started getting more rainy and the roads more curvy. What if she hadn't? Anna said she thought about not wearing her seatbelt because she was in the middle. What if she hadn't? These thoughts overcome my mind.

Where am I in this mess of the future?

The Meaning Behind the Meaning

So random funny weird story. We were sitting at dinner tonight, ragged. Bodner had gotten ten hourse of sleep in the past 72, and we were nagging him to go sleepy sleep, but he kept trying to lasso the Vault I had taken away from him with his lanyard... Anyway, Deanna was being random.

This is normal, mind you.

Deanna: "My nose itches. What does that mean?"

Me: (rather short thought process involving no thought) "It means you are horny."

Grace: "Wait, What?"

Me: "No. Don't listen to what I just said."

Deanna: "Really?"

Grace: "I think it means someone's thinking about you. And when your ear itches, that means someone's talking about you."

Deanna: "(to me) Wow Grace. (referring to my answer) So what's it mean when your whole face is itchy?"

Grace: "It means you want to have sex."

Me: "I thought that's what 'horny' meant."

Sorry if this is a little too blunt for your thought process. I thought you might enjoy some of the ways that freshman college students destress during midterms.... Meaning Vault, lack of sleep, nonsense, and more nonsense.

Today was great though. I got a care package (my first one, hem hem) from West Clinton Mennonite. Hallelujah! Though I don't need more food. I also got ACCEPTED INTO WASHINGTON COMMUNITY SCHOLARS CENTER!! So I'm going to DC next semester! That's quite the blessing. I really needed to do something and so far, this has been great, along with the YES thing that I am applying for.

I went to Gift and Thrift with Ellie today and went a little crazy with the yarn and crafts supplies. I am determined to make a scarf that is better than the ones that you can buy at the store and for less money. I also bought some clay for making jewelry, which my sister and I are going to do over break! I'm stoked!

Stacey is thinking about doing YES with me and I am so excited about this idea. I don't know where God is leading her, but I do know that she and I have connected really well in the few months that we have known each other, and as she is my mentor, and lives in the same area as I do, we could very well connect even more awesomely if she came to YES with me.

Speaking of current YES participants, I received a much needed surprising phone call from a very wonderful person last night. Zach was super excited to hear that I was applying for YES for next year and also that I was listening to God. I could tell by what he spoke about and what his thought processes were that he's growing so much in God, and in everything around him. He's much deeper, more contemplative. But worried about gaining weight. Oh Zach. Go run.

Running. Has been wonderful. I feel like going now, but that would call for very much lack of sleep, so I will be satisfied with running tomorrow morning I hope.

God is amazing over all. That's the lesson for this week. I'm so thankful for each person I have met and connected with and each friendship made.

AHH! The answer!

I finally know what I want to do.

I finally know what I need to do.

I finally know what GOD's plan is!

My good friend Stacey and I went to the Financial Aid Office and found out that we can keep our Honors scholarship if we take a year off. We keep it for the eight semesters which we attend.

So this means I can take a year off! This means I can do YES and discover where God is calling me to!

My excuse for doing an alternative to the CrossCulturals at EMU--if I go to YES, and I do it (WOO! I'm so excited about this!) Then afterward, I know that God can call me to continue with that kind of thing. I can continue working in that field, and not go back to college. And all the college I will have needed for my life is this first year of school.

But if God has put in me the passion of what I need to do and that I need to go back to EMU to get a degree to do it, then I will have motivation to do it!

Because I WILL have passion to do the process and I want to reach the outcome.

The part that I am most anxious about is whether I should stop at the end of this semester and GO and DO. If you read this, please pray that I will have Ultimate Guidance, as I step out of this box that no longer defines me and start walking with new legs and open eyes.

Pray that:

I have good timing for when I should start to GO and DO.

-Because I feel like service should be what I do, and I feel like I'm not doing service right now.

--I feel like I would be wasting the money to be here if I stay and want to be anywhere but here.

And, I'm slightly torn apart

But how can one be slightly torn apart. You either are or you are not.

As you can imagine, my life is spiraling to some whereabouts I haven't even imagined.

There are several issues that I have started to come to terms with that I'm finding that I'm passionate about.

The environment. What can I do to make it better? Is there anyway to recycle everything that I've been using? What can I do to raise awareness to those around me to see what we can do to save the world around us?

The church. How can I help people see that we should stop spending money on renovations for church, but instead use it in tangible ways to help those with less than us. Those orphans, aliens, widows, and poor people. How can I be content with the large church environment? With more people comes more finances to help other people, yet we are using it for the building. How can I not feel like a hypocrite for attending this church?

In my own life. What can I do to be able to stand having months of distance between me and my family, between Zach and I? How can I stand not going back to the place I once called home... where true friends do live, I just ignore that part when I reminisce?

School. How can I study when I want to serve people? To give my friends a break and find a way to make them smile, even though I find my own studies mounting up higher and higher? How can I start to show responsibilty to the obligations and money that I have put into this place which I am residing? Why am I second guessing coming to college with the desire to GO! and DO! and be a part of the difference?

What can I do to find peace in it all? What can I do to make myself feel like I am not a failure in the things I strive to do for others? How can I feel like I'm doing and know that I belong here for now, when I feel like I'm being called to be everywhere else?

Ugh.

Quite A Thought Process

So for Ruling Ideas, there is a project in which all Honors students challenge themselves by giving up something, as to become more of a lantern and less of a flashlight. (seeing all different perspectives rather than just one.) One of the girls in the Honors program was in Cedarwood last night stir-frying onions, and I asked why. She said that for her Honors project, she was eating only local foods for two weeks. I was highly impressed by this, especially because she was starting early, and second because she was eating all local foods for two weeks! But not to be behind on anything, especially the class where I am most likely to be held to a high standard because of the type of person I am, I decided to start my challenge, though I couldn't decide what to do. As I was processing it, a friend suggested giving up Facebook, but I had already done that this spring for Lent. Last night as I went to bed, the last thought that I had was to do something to help the environment. Last year my fifth cousin Katie went vegetarian for five days because of the water used in processing meat, and also took shorter showers and made points to not leave the water running or waste water. So what I am doing, in the process of doing, anyway, is going to be to not throw anything away for two weeks. Even though I think the time frame that we are required to do something like this is only five days. So I started this morning. I saved the wrapper from my granola bar and left it on my desk for later. Then when I was cleaning my room later, I decided to empty my trash from previous days, only to get a fresh start with what I was doing. And then I took all the trash that I accumulated and started using it to decorate my room. Note that most of my trash is actually paper. I decided not to recycle anything, because I'm more focusing on the "reduce" and "reuse". Those never seem to get as much fame as their buddy "recycle" anyhow. So I reused my extra papers, for here out referred to as "trash". I made snowflakes, and random collages, and also a rather interesting flower. It is really helping me become aware of the oblivious moments where I use paper way too much. I put one of my towels in the bathroom to dry my hands and my face on so that I don't use a multitude of paper towels. I forced myself not take napkins after I already took one, (which I gave to my friend. *Sharing is Caring.*) Anyway, so I was processing this whole idea in my journal, as it's good to take notes when doing an experiment, though on yourself.

I got off on this lovely tangent. At the beginning, you'll find some material that repeats itself a little from what I have already written, but it's all needed to induce what I came up with.

Here it goes:

Day One:

The hardest part may be that I am eating & there's plastic packaging around said food. I'm going to figure out how to reuse said packaging. So far I was cleaning my room & I took the previous trash down to the trash room. Then from today, I took the trash that I accumulated from today & made various decoration in my room--a collage, some snowflakes (note that I used all the little snippets as well! I did not throw them away!). Some of them look rather nice, besides the wording from the church bulletin.

I am not a pack rat, but not throwing anything away will be difficult, I can't keep the gloves I wore in Chemistry Lab. Or can I ?

There's been several mess-ups so far--I took a napkin at lunch, then justified it by giving it to Bekah to use. Napkins can be shared. I have to start using my own towel to dry my hands in the bathroom. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my chewed gum after I've already found something creative to do with my gum wrapper. I don't want to want a snack because then I will have to find something to do with each individual piece of plastic. Making tea would be interesting. What can one do with a tea bad after it has been used?

I'm also deciding to wear all the clothes I have that were previously in my laundry basket twice so that they are actually worn before they are washed.

Reusing things is so important in this society, where it is unAmerican to reuse paper towels. What is up with that? In the book, "On that day everybody ate," (also read for Honors), it describes a woman who used a fourth of a cotton ball to remove the fingernail polish for all of her fingers. I tried that the other day. I succeeded with two quarters of a cotton ball for my ten fingers. Is it really relevant to use as much as we use just to superficially look nice or smell nice or to be clean or to be creative? If we just look at our resources now, the world around us, the trash in every can, there are so many options to have art and expression in the things people throw away.

Why do things need to be individually wrapped? Because people don't want their fun size bars to melt together because they accidently left them in the car for too long. I think that simple changes could be made & less plastic used. So other things could be made in the time & with the money it took to individually wrap chocolates. Or granola bars. Save plastic, save money, save time, save the world.

Another thin I am aware of within this first day. I have the option to buy something, but as I have that option, then comes something that I have to throw away. Extra paper, plastic bottles, metal twist ties to secure some item. Not only am I buying an electronic toothbrush (for example), but I'm buying the stiff shrink-wrapped plastic exoskeleton that comes with it. I'm buying the flashy, name-branded shiny paper cardboard that comes on the inside. That paper can be recycled, but can the plastic encasing it? And what are the odds that a person will remove the paper from the plastic with the goal of recycling both items?

Are there alternatives? Maybe. Are they mainstream and way up there with the big shots form Walmart? No way. One would have to hear about it in the first place to actually know of a packaging that would be recyclable. Are there reliable alternatives to the things in life use,d with the certainty that they will never decompose, like rubber tires? And what can be done with styrofoam? People make track and field tracks out of old tires, but they still aren't decomposing. There's little pieces of styrofoam in potting soil(at least, that's what I think it is) but they are just being ground into little pieces, and the truth of the matter is that trying to break down the chemical compound involving either styrofoam or tires would make more toxic fumes, doing more harm than good. But don't they make toxic fumes when created? So why on earth are we creating them? Especially when we cannot get rid of them or reuse them in the same way without the same effect of consequences. Why aren't companies pursuing "green" tires and styrofoam? Why is packaging so important?

Is mass production & reliance on machines to deliver breakable items going to cause the world ot overheat because there is so much nonperishable cushioning material? People should care more. Then we can be more careful as we deliver. If we actually car about what is being carried, it is less likely to be broken. (People don't drop puppies or babies. Not that we want to think of technology or lamps in those terms. ) Thus, it is less likely to need massive amounts of packaging. because of this, there is less of a need for styrofoam to pad something that won't be dropped, thus not broken. (If something is broken, yes, I understand people won't buy it. And that messes with businesses and profits and peoples' salaries etc... Yeah, yeah I get the poing. So don't make items of demand breakable. Find ways to make things pretty much indestructable. LEt the design of the item overcompensate for itself so it doesn't need packaging)

Within the advance of technology, it is more important that the item is stable and made for humans, considering that humans use it, and it should be able to be dropped and still function. If a user can drop an item while in ownership of it and the item still work, then why does it need packaging to "protect" it? It's already protected! (yes, I realize that for some people, it's all about the image, and if it's scratched, they won't like it. Stop crying. Is it still functioning like you want it to? Stop whining!) If it can be dropped when someone uses it, then it can be dropped while being shipped. There's no need for styrofoam! No one EVER sees average Joe's Mom walking around, carrying her purse, cell phone, and car around in styrofoam casing! (No one ever sees average Joe's mom carrying her car in general... but you get the point!)

To reduce the use of tires, one has to reduce the use of cars. With using tires, people can save a lot more money by switching to riding a bicycle. They still have tires, but much smaller tires. Bikes also use a lot less to no fossil fuels (depends on if one is riding a motorcycle.) It takes a lot more time to bike places. And it's more difficult to carry wide screen TVs home from the store. So don't buy one. It's a waste of electricity anyway. Besides, if one is making a lifestyle of vastly biking, there won't be much time for sitting around and watching TV anyway. Too busy running errands.

We don't need it all, really.

Live simply. By the way, after my experiment, perhaps I will "get rid" of things that I do not use or need, by way of a thrift store, using a resource with the ability to "reuse" things I no longer use. As for "reducing", I'm sure that being aware will bring forth an eager mindset to use less and make more of what I already have. For what I already have is more than many would ever dream of. So I'll give it away.

That's all I have to say about that.

Everyday I Would Spend with you.

My daddy came to visit this past weekend. It was homecoming weekend at school, and so a lot of people's parents came to visit. He came down on Thursday, riding with a perspective/ future student from the area where my family lives now. We all went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner, and that was a great relaxing half a minute before I had to go back to my dorm and attempt to finish writing a biology lab report. That went okay, considering that I started it earlier, no matter that what I'd written before was completely bogus, I was just just brainstorming. I started working at 8:30 and finished at twelve. Not something I want to do again. I'm going to work to pay attention to what needs to be done AHEAD of time...

It was great to visit my grandparents, because I feel I've been too busy to walk to the mile over to their house and just relax for another half a minute. It helped to be there. I got to doze on their couch for a second and I was rather thankful that I got to be comfortably placed in a familiar home. (Another time I've been able to do that was within my trip to HDC, a weekend or so ago, when I stayed with the Epps, and that was really like home.) When I got back to school, I was relaxed enough to be able to write that paper, knowing that I'd finish while my mind was still sharp, and I'd get a good night of sleep.

On Friday, I went through class well, though wanting to see Daddy as it was, I still attended all my classes, though tempted by Phillip with the Ethics of skipping Ethics. It was an important lecture to attend, which I spent writing a letter and stopping to read a long passage Scripture so that I was paying enough attention to get a little of what my teacher was talking about. And really, every time I read, it's not about hearing my voice. It's about expanding my abilities to be able to read better in front of more people.

After all my classes, I walked over to Anna's apartment and Daddy, Anna, and I all went to Xenia, a chic Mediterranean resturaunt with delicious pita bread and Dolma. We shared a two person meal. It was just enough to want more. But we stopped ourselves. we got to pick two sauces--one dad picked and I picked one--the Pineapple with Horseradish. Anna wrinkled her nose at that idea, but I was intrigued. And was it good. It was sweet but then, pow!, it was hot too! After our meal, we were paying the check, and a young, stout man hustles into the resturaunt and asks for a menu. The camo vest gave it away though, it was our Uncle Joe! Daddy called out his name, and he looked over at us, not sure what to think, as Dad stood up and gave him a hug. I gave him one too, and it was great to see him as we were around town. He left without saying much, but as he crossed the busy street outside the doors, Dad glimpsed him "directing traffic". He ran out to the middle of the road, and then jabbed his hand into the air in the direction of the oncoming vehicles, one right, one left. And then, as quickly as he went into "traffic Policeman" mode, he ran across the street to his waiting ride. He's hilarious. It has been fun retelling that story.

On Saturday, I braided several people's hair (We hung up a sign that said Hair Braiding Within, because "within" is so much cooler sounding than "inside"), did a little studying, and cleaned my room. When I went to the cafeteria for brunch, I accidentally tossed my salad onto my friend Grace and then proceeded to have a hysterical laugh while cleaning it up.

Then in the evening, I got back together with Dad and Anna. Dad and I went out to Food Lion and got provisions for a salad. While there, I was taking a peek into the carbonated beverage aisle and I found a three liter of diet Food Lion cola for $1.29! I was so ecstastic that I was laughing when I found Daddy and told him. It made me really happy...
We went to Organic Grounds and I got Coffee Crunch Mocha and it was awesome. Their smalls are so large. :) It made me really happy. There were gourds on the tables for decorations, and I decided to do some balancing awesomeness. It was pretty fun. It was challenging and a good conversation as well. Daddy was reminding me that he and Mom will support me in whatever career I choose. And also to remind me to go "Steady. Steady. Pace. Pace." So one things I've been trying to do everyday is do something that destresses me. I ran on Sunday night, and I ran tonight. We didn't run as long, but it was faster and good.
I brought a bunch of my friends over to Anna's apartment for pizza, salad, and pop. We had a great time with Kendall and Anna and Daddy. It was great. We played the color game when someone burped. We just had a hilarious time. Bodner is in love with both my dad and my boyfriend. Not really, of course. He just thinks they are awesome.
On Sunday we all went to church at Ridgeway. It was awesome. I had a great time.
The visit was great. I was relaxed. I'm not too worried about Biology. It's good.

Finding Grace and Her Life

I ate french fries as a side dish this evening for supper. I have never willingly, since the seventh grade ordered that as a side dish. I personally hate fried foods and they make me feel inferior, in all honesty. They make me feel like a fatty. The point is I'm deciding what I want. And what I feel I need to do. The French Fry thing isn't a good example because I didn't have any other options, but what I'm saying is that I want to be able to do the thing that brings the most spring to my step. That makes me jump out of bed despite lacking hours of sleep. The thing that will give me motivation and both a heart and a mind for said thing. I want my major in college, and in essence, my career in life, to be something that I am truly passionate about. That I can fall out of my bed, get a concussion (this is hypothetically), and be disappointed that I'm missing classes because I want to do things that energize me.

Judy Mullet, our present Honors professor, asked us as leaders to state the ways that we can be energized when we are exhausted or having an off day. I knew mine was simple, but it scares me to admit so much in class. I'm energized by people. I thrive off of my own classmate's lack of energy and the silence that ensues when they are tired from waking up still.

One of my passions is people. Specifically helping people. Seeing a visual difference in how they take their days. Spending time with people energizes me and makes me really happy. I know this is true because when I feel depressed the exact opposite happens to me--I want to be alone--it's my mental shutting-down stage. So when I feel depressed I want to feel lonely and sad... It's a vicious cycle I need to step out of... Rabbit trail.

I want to do Missions. I'm so sick of sitting on my butt studying and getting fat from learning. (actually I'm not gaining weight, I'm going running as much as possible with my friend Ellie) The point is that I'm not DOing. I want to DO! I learned that I've had enough book learning and I want to experience learn. I enjoy labs for the science classes I'm currently taking. (when, lo and behold, I wanted to be a Biology Major. Whatever crossed my mind?) I want to travel outside of this dang country and help people in the way that I know how. Making relationships. With the universal language of music. Learning a language. Making a artistic project. I may not be great with building things, and with strategizing how to do said projects, but I can keep the people on the right track by being their friend and hypnotizing them with my music (Ok, I'm not that good. I was just making another point). This weekend I went to Harrisburg Discipleship Center for the Family Weekend, to see Zach, and what he's been up to before he goes to Guniea Bissau in December. While I was there, he was going through what they do during a week, and I kept thinking, I should do this. Why am I not here doing this? Naturally, my over-thinking mind would go through the checklist of the things that separate me from doing the things that I love and want to do--Financial Stability, Having to be Humble to ask people to give me money, Second Guessing my Decisions. What STUPID reasoning! These are the same reasons that I didn't major in Music, or Psychology, or Outdoor Ministries. I worry too much! I didn't want to be where my parents were when I was in elementary school. Not being able to buy everything that we needed. Or at least, that's how I felt. I didn't like the feeling of finances being inconsistent. I wanted to be the perfect college student--have a full ride--not loans coming my way. I wanted to have no debt going into medical school--my dream of financial heaven come true, after becoming a brain surgeon, I would proceed to have a family and be within the high class of "YourAverageCity", USA. But now that I realize it, anything that I think of for my future in sight of plans never work out. It's always better than what I foresaw, or something that I didn't even think of. Like Zach. Who thought I'd date a home-schooled guy from Middleof, Ohio? Then again, I didn't really have a set guy type... except for maybe Band Jerks. But what I'm saying is, it was unexpected that I'd find a guy that was crazy and equally stubborn and hilarious and that made me become more silly and more comfortable with myself than I have ever before. And in the past, I have always thought that I would be the Alpha Mom. Work and Mom. Because I'm GraCe, and I can do anything. But this semester has showed me, "No, Grace, you can't. Stop shopping for refrigerators at the Chinese food market. Not everyone can do everything." (by the way, I had to throw in some completely bogus line about something there. If it's too random for you, I'm sorry). I have taken way too many science credits than I could handle. I'm involving myself in one too many items. I want to be friends with everyone, and I want to do well in science, and I want to play the piano all the time. The point is, I can't do everything. In some ways, Zach showed me that. Which is interesting, as usual. I'm a bit of a skeptic with him, because sometimes he likes to pull my leg and see if I'm really paying attention, or to see if I know what I'm talking about. But on the days when we're seriously serious, I see that what I do has an end, and you know what? He picks it up where I leave off.

The only thing holding me back from becoming a Music Major is the fact that there are humans outside my practice room walking around. Not aliens! How amazing is that! (Sorry, it's almost one in the morning) But there really are humans walking around, and so I am personally obligated to warmly shake them by the hand and be their friend. And see what is good in their lives and what isn't, and express my pure emotion and frank thoughts about what they could/should do with what's happening in their heads. I can come up with honestly good ideas in short amounts of time, depending on my experience with the issue.

I'm a leader, an extrovert, but sometimes the quietest in the group. Sometimes I just listen, as that was the person I grew up being, but now as I listen, I'm waiting for someone to start being deep--to stop joking around about so and so's momma and start saying how they are really feeling. I don't want to always know how you felt today, I want to know what you learned and how you feel about it and if there's something that you could do to make it better or worse than what it was.

So my consensus: Being unsure. at least I know that for real. I thought that wanting to be a Biology Major was for real, but it turns out it was a stale memory of interest combined with the fleeting idea of not having to worry about money for the rest of my life. And then I hid my reasoning in baggage and put the motivation on autopilot. And I just woke up from my 1300 year long nap to find that 1) I was asleep 2)Biology is for Biologists, not for GrAce. 3) Hey! I'm flying an airplane. What's up with that? and 4)Who knew that toenails could get that long.

The point is, I know that I shouldn't be a doctor. If I wanted to be a doctor, I'd be motivated through the boring classes by the end point of the study. Next point. I don't know if I want to Major in Music. I love it. But I cannot practice four hours a day, productively. As Zach has said, "Stop being antisocial" There is a time and a place to play the piano. I'm more inclined to play all the time, because I love it, but I don't know if i could sacrifice my relationships for an instrument. Yes, I get my emotions out this way. Yes, it's something that makes me feel accomplished, but if I major in it, then that will be my main focus. I love the idea of that being my main focus, but I also love the idea of having people be my main focus. Music will ALWAYS be a part of my life. Learn what you love. and love what you learn. I can love the piano, and love the music that comes out of the piano, but it's always the wallflower. The accompaniment. The background music. And I don't dance to that beat. I'm a circulator. I'm the lead vocalist. I'm the one bearing my heart to the crowd with my own sense of humor. If it were People versus Piano, I believe that People would win. Mainly because pianos don't really have any offensive skills besides some pretty sharp bass strings, but really: People would win. But it's like Bush vs. Gore. Electoral vs. Population. It changes with time. Sometimes I'm certain. Sometimes there's nothing I'd rather do than play piano. But other times, it's the limiting reagent, especially if I just want to talk and hang with the peeps.

So Being Unsure translated into being a Major=Liberal Arts. And I'm actually slightly excited. If I take that route, I could be out of EMU in two years. Because of my kick cheeks work at UA the past two years, I have sixty credits to my name and seventeen more coming as this semester ends. I'll take classes in the areas I want. Psychology and Music. Poetry and Media Business. Drawing and Theology. Outdoor Ministries and maybe even Chemistry. But then I'll explore my option of exploring. Even though I don't want to wait. I don't see a majorly open option other than this. I could take a year off and go exploring. as of now, I have not a clue of where it could lead me. As I'm learning of myself, my spontaneous decisions are more true to myself than the ones that were flying the airplane for years. So it may be that I will have to explore my options to see what and where God is leading me. I'm a baby to this world of things to do and I want to so so many different things in so many different places. Doors and windows just need to be opened so I can climb in. I might even try to squeeze through a crack in the wall. If given the option, I may even try to break the wall down. So be aware. I may not be fast to start, but my momentum could knock over a 6'6" Lacrosse player.

Taking University by the Horns.

(I was going to use my new college vocabulary, but I do know that there are some of my relatives who would not like to see how rebelious I am.)
Ahem.
I am not a Biology Major.
Ok. Technically I still am. On paper.
But my heart was changed weeks ago.
My "interest" in science was a self-placed psychologically tweeked engravement in my mind because I wanted to have a career that was financially stable. Silly silly reasoning. I did NOT want to be like my parents, and become pastors, going to seminary and not being able to always buy what I wanted. How selfish that statement is.
Within this first month of college, I have realized that I have A LOT to say. About God and about many other things. I like to be informed and to have the answer. I like to be able to tell other people about things so that they can also e informed. I love to tell people of the things I know in a laid back atmosphere. When I go running I can talk about what I'm thinking, blurting out thoughts as the enter my brain. I realized this month that I want to be directly helping make people happy, and more stable in that happiness.
At my first piano lesson, I realized how much of a commitment that two credit class was. My teacher, knowing that it wasn't my first priority, not being a music major, still made it possible for me to have an hour long lesson. The fact that I hadn't had a lesson for almost nine months showed how rusty I was, but she hit the nail on the head and we got going. I want to practice everyday. I want to play all the time. but I ahve these pesky classes that I have to go to. Biolopleh, which I have to have a diet Coke and constant texts from friends to survive, along with lots of burps and giggles with my friend Susan. And Chemistry... I have found a love. But it is time consuming and motivating to do better in. Chemistry is more absolute than Biology--it is more like math than science for me. Which is one of the reasons why I think I enjoy it. Realizing that, I could have done well in a math class this semester. And although it would have been time consuming, all of the work is directly related to a formula, which is preferred.
Back to Piano, though. It is directly connected to my brain. When I practice, it's not studying, a habit that I have to reinitiate myself with. It's like eating, and sleeping. Something that not only makes a day better, but it makes it so I can function. (Have you met me when I haven't eaten? I'm constantly reverting back to the hunger every five minutes.)
I'm addicted to caffeine, as stated for Biology. Who knew science was so boring I'd have to do drugs to get through it.
Not that all science is unbearable. I enjoy setting up Greta Ann's Human Anatomy and Physiology labs even though I haven't gotten to see any cadavers yet. My time will come. I did tell her I had interest in that. There are jars with pigs, possums, jeely fish, and some unidentified I think headless organism in them. There are also skulls. (All of these I have observed and entertained myself with while setting up labs and getting easily distracted.) The most surprising skull for me was the fetus skull. It was so light! I was surprised. But I recall holding baby Carmine, when I was working with Tessa this past spring. He was so light. It's saddening, and frightening, and I don't know what I think about it. If I had a baby and it died, I wouldn't donate it to science. That seems insensitive.
I'm kicking *butt* in my Ruling Ideas class. I'm writing a children's book. We were supposed to write it about a person college aged who made a difference. I was struggling with finding a person to write mind about. So I decided to do Jamila, who is in my Honors class, and participated in the Morocco YES trip this past year. The illurstrating is going pretty well, but it is time consuming and I don't know if I am going to be able to finish and still feel good about the pictures I'm drawing and shading. I will post the pages of the book after I am finished.
Animal blood.
Never thought I would write about it, but Greta Ann had to ahve it ordered for a lab, and it didn't come yet and so we were having to call the costumer service and see why it didn't come. The reasoning makes sense, but you'd think that they would inform the customer of the reasoning. "living" products are shipped directly from the vender on a different time schedule and they only ship on Tuesdays, and if one misses the time deadline on the Tuesday before they have to wait the entire week. That's what I learned.
I "like" my workstudy. Kind of like how I "like" dogs. I'm not sur ehwat would be better... considering there's not much work that I enjoy doing. But I could be an informant at the historical library. I just don't think I could work with Lois.
I went running yesterday. It went great. I think a lot of people are surprised that I can run so much.. Probably because I don't exactly have an athletic sort of body shape. But heck yes, I can run a little bit more than three freaking miles. :D
Dig it.
I have to pee and go get more diet Coke. And maybe go run again.

In Memory of Little Yellow

Today I went to breakfast with three missed calls on my phone. After I ate, I walked back to my dorm and called my mom, who was leaving the messages. She told me that they found Little Yellow on the side of the road--he'd been hit by a car. We had moved to a smaller house twice as close to the road, with roads where cars drive twice as fast. He was twelve, he has seen many roads and cars. This time he wasn't quite fast enough to make it.

Little Yellow, or "Baby", as I affectionately called him, was my baby. He, and his sister, Little White, were added to our family when I turned six. We got them as kittens from a friend I had in kindergarten at Waterman Elementary. They lived inside with us in the duplex with our family. They were introduced, ironically, to Simba/Big Boy, who they were originally replacing because he was thought to have run away. He was found at the local SPCA, and readded to the family.

Little White was originally my kitten, and I named her this because she was the majority grey and had a "little white" on her stomach. Marie, who was the "owner" of Little Yellow, followed suit and named her small kitten "Little Yellow." Of course, they grew, and little Yellow was no longer so small. We considered ourselves similar in personalities to our cats. Little White was more quiet, as was I, but "cried" when given a shot, which I did as well. Little Yellow was more rambunchous, but made no sound when given his shots, as was Marie. There were several points in our elementary careers that we wanted to trade pets, and make each others' cats our own. I do not remember if we came up with a consensus, or if either cats were ours.

They moved with us to Bridgewater, in the white house with the large yard and the park next door. They relished in the space of the yard, catching moles, mice, birds, and even Baby got a rabbit one time (to Marie's horror). They shed every collar they were given, and slowly the fears of them being lost had vanished. They survived the make pretend of Marie and I, dressing them in doll clothes, and enclosed under laundry baskets. They slept on our beds, in our windows, on our piles of clean laundry, on our laps, with me in my bed.

As the years went on, I matured, meaning I did not dress the cats in doll clothes anymore. The cats gained a few pounds as well, and our relationships became less like civil aquaintances and more like friends. My kitty and I would sleep together and snuggle. He would purr in my arms and come when I called, "Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!!" (in a super high voice) He would always raise his tail in the air when he saw me. Sometimes he would meow as he came toward me. He was my teddy bear and would make me feel safe on nights when I felt like I was going have bad dreams. I was always calmed by the kneading and purring combination, and when he was giving himself a licked bath, I could feel true peace: that there was nothing else left in the world but this here and how, just calm down. Take it slow.

He was my therapist. I had no problem snuggling my face into his fur and crying. He used to climb onto my lap when I played the piano, no matter how difficult the angle of sitting was. Whenever I would crack a hard-boiled egg on the counter to peel the shell off, he would come bounding into the kitchen and rub his body against the back of my legs, begging for the yolk. Marie and I used to go to the pet store and buy the canned cat food so that Baby and Little White could enjoy a little change in meals.

I loved him, through his fat days and then when he lost a little weight and had this little bag of extra skin that made him look like a homeless man/cat. He always looked disgruntled, according to Marie, like he'd just woken up.

One time, at our home in Streetsboro, Ohio, he was sleeping in the pocket of the window and the screen fell out and he fell onto the ground outside. It was only a few feet down, but he was still so surprised. He used to sleep under bushes and we could often see him napping the the shade of the plants. Baby would faithfully climb onto the windowsill of Marie's room, and proceed to knock every single item off so that he could sit on it. We had fish tanks for awhile. He and Little White, or both would drink the running water from the filter and make the water get lower and start to trinkle so that I would have to refill the tanks more often. He would sleep in boxes and bags and climb into the vents of the old house and go exploring underneath and we could always hear the echoing of the steps throughout the house because we had wood floors.

There were things about having him, and cats, in general, that I didn't like. The hairballs and random barf found in random places around the house, or on my floor in my room, or on my bed (I hated those times) were not welcome. Then there was the cat pee. Whenever the litter boxes needed to be cleaned, (and this happened especially much when Little Yellow and Little White were older) they would pee on other things. Like the carpet that I used to have in my old room. Or the generality of backpacks on the floor. But pee can be washed out, no matter how unwelcome the smell is.

I still loved him. He was the most wonderful cat. He would follow me wherever I would go. He would go sleep in the neighbor's garage. He would snuggle me to sleep at night. I loved him much more than I realized today when I heard that he was gone. I used to think that when he would die that I would be okay with it, and that I wouldn't let myself cry. But I did. He was my sweetest love. My snug muffin. Even when he smelled like cat butt.

I miss you Baby.

The Lifetime of a Pair of Contact Lenses

I realized today that my contacts have reached the ripe old age of almost two months, and it is time for them to be replaced with new young ones so I can read what my Ethics teacher writes on his board in such an obscure way.

And then I was thinking about these two months. And how much my life has changed.

It was the end of Fine Arts camp when I got the lenses, after misplacing one of my lenses at one o'clock in the morning the night I got back to the Peaceful house after Convention. And I functioned in my glasses until my parents brought my contacts among other provisions when they came to pick me up to go to the Engle Reunion. I was so enthralled and happy that I put them in as quickly as possible. And as I recall, we played Settlers and went to MugzWigs and then some stayed up until four in the morning. Only to leave at seven the next day for the reunion. I was exhausted almost the entire reunion and didn't really care. But I was there and that is what mattered.

There were four more weeks of camp after that. Boys Camp was wild. I washed a lot of dishes and actually got to spend a little time with Zach, who was counseling, on his break. I counseled Junior High Camp. Which was awesome. I was the coordinator of Junior Teen Camp, also another amazing week. And then there was Fledgling Camp. Not my favorite memory. I was way too exhausted to function. And there were conflicts with my co counselor, who was from Russian. Then Camp was over, and I drove home--to my new home. In Wauseon. A few illegal u turns later I arrived at the petite brick house that was now home to my things, my bed, my boxes of memories. But when I opened the boxes of memories, I was still in my yellow room with the collage wall and the stains on the carpet. With Baby sleeping on my bed and the late night conversations, with the knitted projects as well.

A week later I was back at the Peaceful house. Saying goodbye to Zach for what we thought would be three long months, which has been shortened greatly since then. I went to see him a couple of weeks ago for his Commissioning service, and I get to see him next week.

Then I spent one more week in Wauseon before driving eight and a half hours to EMU, where my college life (for rizzle this time) began. I've made friends (thank goodness) done pretty okay with grades, and written some songs. There have been some days I just couldn't put the contacts in. Like a couple days ago, I woke up thirty-five minutes after my first class had started.

But all in all these contacts have had me see through some of the most transitioning positions of my life.

No pun intended.

Since when is Cleaning a Room Necessary?

When you can't find things that are on your desk. Which are visible.

Today was a fun day.

It started off well. I slept in until 8:35, making it just in time (NOT) for Honors, which started at 8:00. I prepared very much for this class--I read a lot of material, and I missed most of the lecture. But it was great because I picked up right where they were, because I was so prepared. Hallelujah for a memory that works.

Later, my teacher commended me for coming to class forty minutes late. She said most people wouldn't do that. Most people also wouldn't have thought they turned their alarm on when they didn't. She said I was an example. . .

I realized today at lunch that I'm more talked about than I realize. There were some girls who had heard about me, and my tongue piercing (apparently not everyone at EMU has on), and some probably have heard about my musical abilities, but hey, I'm not Phillip Martin, so I'm not actually a Music Major. But that's what I plan to do. Anyway. Rabbit Trail.

I spent a good part of my morning and afternoon playing piano. It made me really happy, and the Resident Director's husband told me that he liked to hear me practice. I love to practice. That's why I would be a BAD biology major. I'm not failing. I just think I will get a B in the class or so. We'll see. I may put forth the effort after all.

I made it through almost the entire day without science. At lunch, my lab partner and I decided to work on our Chemistry prelab. Unfortunately, we were mobbed by awesome people and were easily one of the most social/hysterical tables in the cafeteria at the time. ---I almost finished. But am still far from done. And I don't believe in copying. By the way, I actually like Chemistry more than Biology right now, which is pretty amazing, considering I though for sure that I was going to hate it with passion. ---One of the girls who did the presentation in the class sat at our table, and immediately recognized me as the extremely late one. But I was intrigued by her writings and enjoyed them immensely, so I could talk to her about it if I did desire, (unfortunately, Chemistry was on the mind). The table had some hilarious comments. Like how, for me, anions were easily remembered as negative ions because the word was basically onions.. and for some reason, onions have a negative association for me... must have been the rotten onion sorting at the Peacefuls...

Yesterday at Jazz Ensemble, I felt like I had started to be improving. The director asked me to sing the solo I was to improv on the piano. Totally out of my comfort zone. Turned BRIGHT red. But his point was to play it like I would sing it. So I put all the recordings of the arrangements on my Mac, and will soon put them onto my ipod. Anyway, he also told me that anytime I was inspired to write something for the Jazz Ensemble, that I should.

Well, today I wrote something. But it's not really my style. It's sexy. Jazz.. So I don't know if I like it, nor do I know if it's moral.. ha. It's really not that bad.

I accompanied my first lesson with Lauren. It went well. Thus, we both have some learning to do. And also, I cannot wait until Marie gets to that level of music.. Lauren's a beast.

Then I had my piano lesson. My Sinfonia is going well. Gets better every time I play. Lynne is having me work on little parts of each song because I don't have as much practice time. It's frustrating, but eventually I have to get somewhere with the pieces and will not do so by playing the whole piece over and over again.

Then this evening, I "reluctantly" went running. Meaning I wanted to, but I was unmotivated. I don't know. It's two very different parts of my mind. Ellie and I ran two and three quarters again. And then Alisha came up to me just as I came back and told me to come play field hockey with her, that she was scared. So I went. and played for the first time ever. I think I beasted it.. our team won. But it's really up to the audience to tell. It felt great. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow.

Then (oh yes, there's more) I went to Lehman to see Vineyard55 play. They are the band that I am going to cover for when I perform in Common Grounds. Although I'm not sure that they know that. It was interesting. Not perfect, but still well thought out. And worked on. And original. Rapping with guitar, bass, and piano--not something you see everyday. It was pretty cool, although I'm more of a melody type of person, and could probably nitpick the flat notes out. But I'm not, because I prefer to listen and learn.

Now, after a nice shower, a brief ice fight and a couple quarts of Raspberry Koolaid. I'm out. Still didn't finish Chemistry. Sleep is more important.

Love you Mom and Dad.

Am I Inconsiderate?

I feel lonely because I miss my boyfriend. I won't get to see him for eight months after Thanksgiving. But tonight I was struck of the emotion that some of my fellow students are having right now because a friend of theirs died this week. I saw some people hugging on my way back from the movie tonight and I was wondering why they were hugging for so long. Then I realized that they were crying in each other's arms. And I felt really selfish and inconsiderate of these thoughts. I felt like the space away from the one that I love is only temporary. But what those girls were experiencing-- they won't see that person again in this life. I'm reprimanding myself for not being able to see where they are coming from. But I still miss him. But I feel guilty because I don't feel for them--I didn't know who the person was that died. But after seeing those girls, I was motivated. Motivated to do something for myself, I was sick of sitting somewhere. I decided that I should take care of myself. Live to the fullest of by abilities. I ran three miles. At 11:00PM. Yes I am still up and it's 1:30. Not even tired. I need to go to bed though. I'm going to church tomorrow.

What can I do?

I have met so many people. I've made so many friends. Yet I don't feel at home. Maybe it's because it isn't home. Or I don't have a home. Or because I'm not content to be here.

Home is relative. It's relational. Maybe I need to be around those that I love to feel like I'm at home. I need to feel comfortable in myself to feel at home. I need feel comfortable in the people I'm around. And for the most part I am. But I'm still holding things back and so I'm nots comfortable yet.

My Cool New Friends

I'm blogging from Room 306 in Elmwood right now. This has become one of the places that I go to hang out with the girls that are my friends. It's Deanna and Alisha's room, and it's on the other side of the hall from Andrea and I's room.

These girls are loud, hilarious, and wonderful. We talk about everything, are free to fart around each other, and never get any homework done. We stay up late every night.

These girls, plus Monica, from Cedarwood, Grace from the room next to Andrea's and mine, and Mike, "Bodner" from the floor below all go to lunch when we can and hang out as much as we can. We do random things like camp out in the Commons while being hyper. or go get piercings after going to the mall.

We go to the den and common grounds when we don't need to. We eat everyone's food. We go shopping as a group to Walmart, Staples, Barnes & Noble, and Starbucks.

Last Friday we went to Ruby Tuesdays as a smaller group and ate good food. We put our cell phones in the middle of the table, and we prayed for our food and ate good food.

It has been great.

Yesterday Jamie had a bible study and I went to it. She talked about Hosea and his prosititute wife. I thought of some really good statements.

--It's more acceptable in our culture to not believe in God than to be sexually unfaithful. People are more shunned if they have cheated on someone because it's human to human contact/relationship, and it's more real. If someone doesn't believe in God of have a relationship with God, it's accepted as a belief and then not thought of otherwise. In Hosea, God was referring to the relationship between Israel and him as a adulterous relationship. In this country, we SHOULD feel like not following God is the worst sin, but somehow it's lost in the distractions of the world. The money and the sex itself and we don't even think about God in the scheme of all things.

--Sex is the closest way to know someone. Jesus is our bridegroom and he's waiting for us, to have this relationship that is so close and so wonderful. When we have sex with someone, we share the closest bond possible with another human being. So when someone cheats on another and has sex with another person, the bond is severely severed and there isn't, couldn't be the same anymore. Serious forgiveness and rethought thoughts have to be gone through. Most couples that have cheated on one another have to go through serious marital counseling. So when God is our God and we love him, but we get distracted by the world and do not love Him or give Him what He deserves, then it's cheating on God. It's the worst thing you can do in the relationship. God loves you so so much and it's horrible for Him when we walk away to see if there are better things out there. But although God hates it when we walk away, he takes us back, though broken, with open arms. That's how much he loves us. Even when we cheat on God, he takes us back every time, no matter how many times we leave and come back, we are still accepted.

My Strengths

I took a Strength-Based Leadership test yesterday. I was late on doing it--I was supposed to read this book for Honors and I finally read it and took the test. And I thought the test was bogus because there were two choices on the sides of the spectrum and I could have chosen either of them. So I chose Neutral. But I guess Neutral has a completely different answer than either side of the spectrum. And the results--well, at first I didn't really read through them and took them as they were. But then I called my mom today and was reading her the descriptions of the different aspects of leadership that I have and she was telling me that it sounded just like me. All of them.

And I realized that they did. And it kind of freaked me out, really. I feel really vulnerable, it's like I fell in love and somebody figured out my true feelings, can understand me completely and now I'm not so mysterious. Now I'm vulnerable that people can understand everything that's going on in me. It's almost scary that something truly defines almost every single thing about me.

Strengths-Based Leadership Report 

Leader:Grace Engle 

Gallup found that it serves a team well to have a representation of strengths in each of the 

four domains of leadership strength: Executing, Influencing, Relationship Building, and 

Strategic Thinking. Instead of one dominant leader who tries to do everything or individuals 

who all have similar strengths, contributions from all four domains lead to a strong and 

cohesive team. This doesn't mean that each person on a team must have strengths exclusively 

in a single category. In most cases, each team member will possess some strength in multiple 

domains. 

According to our latest research, the 34 Clifton StrengthsFinder themes naturally cluster into 

these four domains of leadership strength. See below for how your top five themes sort into 

the four domains. As you think about how you can contribute to a team and who you need to 

surround yourself with, this may be a good starting point. 

Your Top Five Clifton StrengthsFinder Themes 

Executing Influencing Relationship 

Building Strategic Thinking 

Command Empathy 

Woo Connectedness 

Communication 

Your Personalized Strengths Insights 

Empathy 

By nature, you may push yourself to meet certain standards or reach particular goals. Your 

feelings of success or failure might depend on the way others judge your results. Your keen 

awareness of some people’s moods might motivate you to work harder. Sometimes you want 

to please them. Sometimes you want to earn their approval; other times, you just want to 

Strengths-Based Leadership Report (with your personalized Strengths Insights) 

make them happy. Because of your strengths, you may be a person who feels certain things 

very deeply. This partially explains why you place some importance on having others know 

who you are as a person or as a professional. Perhaps you hope specific individuals grasp a 

little bit of what you think, feel, need, dream, or desire. Driven by your talents, you may be 

emotionally attuned to what is going on in your own or others’ lives. Perhaps you concentrate 

on what is good. Sometimes you search for the best in people, experiences, assignments, or 

situations. Maybe you strive to fill certain individuals with joy. Occasionally you find ways to 

unburden them of their anxieties, frustrations, sadness, disappointments, fears, or anger. It’s 

very likely that you might bring an emotional awareness to certain kinds of conversations. 

Sometimes you can ease the stress of individuals if they are about to make an important 

decision. Perhaps you can calm those who are struggling with the uncertainty of change. 

Once in a while, you pose probing questions to direct the thinking of others. To some degree, 

you refrain from telling people what they should or should not do. Instinctively, you may 

have quick and ready insights into the moods and emotions of specific individuals. This 

awareness might enhance your effectiveness as a trainer, guide, or instructor. Perhaps your 

sensitivity allows you to help certain people express what they are thinking or feeling. 

Command 

Chances are good that you routinely gamble on whether to engage outsiders or newcomers in 

conversations. When you take your chances and succeed, you probably gain confidence. You 

usually become more assertive when you have to make inquiries, give directions, or issue 

orders to your new acquaintances. By nature, you empower people with your air of certitude 

— that is, confidence. Your very presence reassures them that they indeed are quite ready and 

capable of tackling assignments, spearheading projects, or playing key positions on a team. 

Driven by your talents, you usually have more innovative ideas or original suggestions than 

others in the group. You are delighted to participate in forums where you can present your 

creative concepts. Others are likely to share your desire to improve things. This explains why 

many individuals welcome your suggestions. Because of your strengths, you generate ideas 

quickly. You draw clever linkages between facts, events, people, problems, or solutions. You 

present others with numerous options at a pace some find dizzying. Your innovative thinking 

tends to foster ongoing dialogue between and among the group’s participants. It’s very likely 

that you automatically vied for the top ranking in contests and games as a child. Reflecting on 

your youth, you might remember a few instances of being self-sufficient, assertive, or bold. 

Woo 

Chances are good that you are very fond of and devoted to the people in your life. You thrive 

when individuals reciprocate — that is, return — your feelings of warmth and affection. 

Instinctively, you enjoy chance encounters with friends and strangers. You engage them in 

conversation. Rarely are you at a loss for words. You delight in all kinds of dialogues, 

discussions, and verbal exchanges. You are apt to move swiftly from person to person, taking 

Strengths-Based Leadership Report (with your personalized Strengths Insights) 

time to briefly chat with each individual. Because of your strengths, you may be guileless — 

that is, candid and frank — about what you think or feel. You might reveal many details 

regarding your past, your present circumstances, or your future prospects. Some individuals 

appreciate your plainspoken and open style. Maybe you spend little, if any, time pretending 

you can do or be something you know you cannot. You might win some new friends by being 

open about yourself. It’s very likely that you customarily enjoy being the person who gets 

people talking. When outsiders or newcomers have little or nothing to say, you usually find a 

way to ease them into the dialogue. Driven by your talents, you are occasionally surprised 

when your upbeat attitude inspires people. You might generate good feelings in people by 

emphasizing their successes, contributions, and favorable traits. Eager to bond with others, 

perhaps you make the time to offer sincere compliments or send congratulatory messages. 

Connectedness 

It’s very likely that you underscore what people have in common even though their 

backgrounds, experiences, languages, cultures, or interests vary greatly. You facilitate 

dialogue between individuals. You create peace within groups and between people by linking 

them to one another. By nature, you sense every event is somehow the consequence of a 

series of actions, reactions, or lack of actions. You can accept that which cannot be fully 

explained using logic. You say there are no accidents. You are confident that things are 

linked together for a purpose that may or may not be revealed to you. Driven by your talents, 

you sometimes experience an unexplainable yet natural link with some people. Perhaps this is 

a common occurrence with certain individuals, particularly those whose talents, limitations, 

interests, goals, needs, or fears are known to you. Because of your strengths, you genuinely 

like to help people overcome obstacles that prevent them from linking up with one another. 

This explains why you engage so many newcomers or outsiders in small talk as well as 

serious discussions. Instinctively, you may bring a more optimistic perspective to life than 

some people do. Why? You somehow feel linked to other members of the human family. 

Perhaps knowing you are not alone in your suffering or joy encourages you. 

Communication 

It’s very likely that you might be able to keep a discussion or small talk moving when you are 

talking with someone you know on a personal level. By nature, you delight others with your 

stories and adventurous tales. You are a natural conversationalist. You gravitate to 

discussions and engage in casual chitchat. When the dialogue begins to lag, you probably 

keep it moving by asking questions, introducing a new topic, describing an incident, or 

offering an explanation. Because of your strengths, you value what others have to say. You 

pay attention to the observations they make. You acquire knowledge, skills, and insights from 

your peers during group conversations. You exhibit a strong inclination to participate in 

dialogue with others so new ideas are brought to everyone’s attention. Chances are good that 

you usually dive into conversations when you have a story to tell or a point to make. You 

Strengths-Based Leadership Report (with your personalized Strengths Insights) 

enjoy speaking with people. You recognize that conversations are a valuable source of new 

information. You probably want to share what you know with others. When you are involved 

in a group discussion, you typically add to it. Driven by your talents, you enjoy verbalizing 

your thoughts. You want others to acknowledge your ideas and feelings. Gaining and 

maintaining people’s attention pleases you.