Rebound

We were driving down the highway. It was cold and dark. The wipers weren't as fast as the drops attacking the car like piranhas. I was exhausted. The next road wasn't coming up fast enough. Finally, I saw it--passed it--looked back to the road. There was a red light, like the red eyes of an wild animal filled with rage. Three cars lined up obediently--in my lane--as I inevitably rushed toward them. I feebly attempted to brake. I slammed the pedal to the floor, begging for mercy. But the wheels had no remorse for their actions--and brutely ran into the white car in front of me.

Immediately the slightly burnt smell of powder filled up my nostrils, as an airbag was expelled and cushioned my face as I was jerked forward. I felt no pain. It hit me in slow motion. I hit another car. Things started to expand around me. The groans of shock, realization, and surprise of the friends in my car. The screams of unprepared fear of the passengers from the cars I had hit, as they got out of their blemished vehicles. They called the police right away. They called the ambulance right away as well.

It was a blur--I was in a zone. I hit another car. But it didn't hit me that I could have hurt another person. And yet the ambulance was coming for someone. It didn't look serious. Yet how am I to judge? I didn't see their faces.

There were people from Florida other places. They weren't from here. They had lives to get back to. Here I was stopping them from this.

As I stepped out the car, I was filled with the urge to commit my vomit to the ditch on the side of the road. I was shaky. I wasn't ready for this. This responsibility. I wanted to hand the phone of responsibility to somebody that could hold back tears and speak clearly. Yet, somehow I found that person inside of me as I spoke to my father, and to the policeman about what happened. I told it like it was. Fear left me, but worry overcame my thoughts. Where do I go from here? There was no more transportation. Our uncle came, drove an hour and a half out to come get us. There was no more Daewoo. We'll be fine & do without. Anna can borrow someone else's car. I don't have to go to Harrisburg this weekend for relaxation.

I cannot tell you how hard it is to worry. I don't know if the people whose cars I hit are going to press charges, or if they are going to let me be. I don't know if I'm going to have to go to Whitacre to get the tags of my car, or if there's something else I can do. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep well. I don't know if I'm going to bruise or not.

I feel like I'll be able to drive. I just feel like I've lost the trust of anyone who might have lended me their car at some point. I'm fine physically. But I can't handle the fact that there are factors that will hit me tomorrow. I'm going to get a phone call. I'm going to have to make phone calls. I may have to go to court.

Ellie said she prayed when it started getting more rainy and the roads more curvy. What if she hadn't? Anna said she thought about not wearing her seatbelt because she was in the middle. What if she hadn't? These thoughts overcome my mind.

Where am I in this mess of the future?