Grateful Giver

It hit me hard yesterday.

The movie and music choices didn't help much either.

All the commercials for movies and it seems that every song in the entire world is about love. Missing love. Love being far away. Love happening. Getting married. It seems that our culture is consumed by this. It's an obsession.

"Why you do Obsessed with me? I just wanna know..." Even Mariah is feelin' it. But the fact is we take little situations and write overexaggerated songs about them.

It's not that I don't care about Love. It's just that my love and I don't have the average American relationship. Probably because he's going to Africa. I may get to talk to him once a week through Skype, but we aren't even sure about that. It takes a month for mail to be delivered to where he's going.

For me, it's this constant back and forth sway of emotions.

He needs to go. There's no other thing he can do. He's prepared for this. He's taken care of business at training. He's made a difference in Harrisburg, and now he'll go make a difference in Guinea Bissau.

I need him to go. I know that the spiritual growth that has happened in the past two months is part of what he needs to do. I know that this is what God's plan is for him.

But I don't want him to go. We've been apart for so long. It's so rough for me to go, day in and day out, and see the fortunate couples who get to spend time with those they love everyday. And I see them take that person for granted. I don't take him for granted. Every second he'll be here will be met with an equal amount of thankfulness that I'll be able to spend this second, this minute, this day with him, because there will be eight months of seconds, minutes, days, that I won't be able to see him.

I've been challenged by God to give of the things that matter to me. This is something that I need to be willing about. But I'm selfish. I'm bitter. I'm wishing and waiting, and seconds still tick by at the same speed as before.

What am I complaining about? I'm not his family. I'm not a member of the group of people that have known him his whole life. I'm the girlfriend. In love with him. And we haven't even spent that much time together, but we've made a point to communicate with each other, to give the other trust and love in ways no one else can receive from us. That's why I complain. And he hasn't left yet. I get to spend five WONDERFUL days with him before he drives back, before he leaves the country until we are both a year older, with the experiences and maturity that a nineteen-year-old normally gets when they go to DC or to Africa.

Can I handle it? No. With God's guidance. Yes, I can. Yes, I am.

That's the one thing that has struck me--that I will consistently be a mess around my friends every time one of them talks about their boyfriends, or listens to a love song, unless I hold tight to the One who will not let go.

This I learned this Sunday at church, and this Monday (today) as I listened to my mother's sermon.

From Pastor Ben's sermon,

* we are all built to be dissatisfied with what we have here on earth.

This I have learned to except in my human relationships. We all have faults. We make each other angry. We can't be together when we want to all the time.

*we put out trust in the things we can see. BUT THEY ALL FALL AWAY. Who do we trust? Who should we have trusted all along?

This is when I fall again and again. This statement makes me realize that I depend altogether too much upon the people around me to hold me up. I can do it.

*All is not lost, because God can fill us up. God :), who IS so wonderfully perfect that he didn't need to have humans. BUT GOD IS LOVE, and the purpose of humanity is to enjoy a relationship of love with our God. This is how we are satisfied.

*Turn your focus away from the things that destroy and look to God.

So I'm taking steps to make this about God. It was before, but in a more superficial sort of way.

Monday's sermon. "Grateful Giver"

Mom was talking about the feeding of the five thousand, and how he had the disciples participate in the miracle. We as humans participate in the miracle and then God does the rest.

Maybe I'm participating in the miracle and if I become the inhibitor, it won't be.

Zach, I love you. I love you as you go away from me. Go. Don't hesitate. I know you need to do it. I can and I will wait until you come back for what the future. holds. Don't let me hold you back.

Ambitious Ambiguity

I just spent an epic twenty four hours in Washington D.C., attempting to decide my future internship. It was intense, as I had to work to choice between several different internships before I even came to D.C. to interview.

However, that statement itself is ambiguous. I had assistance picking out my internship. One just clicked with my personality. In fact, it was less of an internship and more of a mentorship, and much more laid back and calm than any internship interview would be.

The guy that I rode to Washington D.C. with, Andrew, had two interviews, both of them pretty intense. The idea with internship interviews in D.C. with WCSC is that an interviewee would do research on the company that they are going to work with. I'm pretty sure that he had to do that. And more.

The hardship of my internship shadowing experience was the metro at 6:00 am. And also the fact that I was navigating D.C. myself. This went well, and I arrived at the first school before classes started. The person I was shadowing was supposed to come and meet me, but he never did, so I waited until second period to meet him. Then after that I attended the first class on Peace Studies (for me) of the day. It was informing. The school was large, but well-behaved. Reminded me of Streetsboro. But the point is, that is one of the good schools in the D.C. area. And then when the class was finished, there was another metro ride. This one was much shorter and I arrived, walked in the wrong direction a couple times, and then figured out where I was going, and arrived at the second high school. This was the exact opposite of the first school. There was a metal detector at the entrance, and I was asked for my I.D. (which I didn't have. Yikes!). Colman (the teacher which I was in the process of shadowing) told the entrance guard that I was with him. Probably mentioned I was from a school that promoted peace, because she let me in without any worries. The sign said, "Please remove all metal from your person before walking through the metal detector." So I went to go unscrew my tongue stud, but the lady told me that it was fine. There was security in the hall, and students openly swearing like sailors, but it wasn't intimidating. I'm not sure exactly why it wasn't, because I feel like that would be something that would freak me out. But I wasn't.

This class discussion was different. The class period was twice as long. But the discussion in this class was way more in depth than the classes at the "better" high school. I felt like the students had a better relationship with Colman at this point. That was when "Outliers" kicked in, and I was reminded that it's not the level of class that designates the students' abilities of learning, it's their drive to learn. I was impressed by this.

After that class, I was to eat lunch at any place close by. I had seen Whole Foods on my way in, and decided that it was where I wanted to eat. It was the healthiest grocery store in the country (?) or something, and then I walked to the back of the store, and I saw the buffet--there were three or four different buffet tables and too many options. I got some chicken curry, some squash and some beans, and then I went up to the register to pay. But when I was there in line, I realized (as I had) earlier, that my wallet was still MIA, and I thought I had enough cash in my pocket, but I was poorly mistaken. There were two dollars in my pocket but that was it. I was freaking out, thinking (insanely) that I would have to eat out dumpsters my first day in D.C. because I couldn't pay for the food. But the cashier said, "We'd have to throw it away anyway, so you might as well take it." So I did get to eat, which was wonderful.

Then I took a shuttle to American University and waited for the upper level class that Colman taught to commence. It was a two and a half hour long class, though, and I was cold, tired, and developing a headache (from stress maybe?) and when it finally ended, we had to wait for the shuttle, and then for the metro. I met several nice people. It was like being a commuter to school again, and my late evening Spanish class at UA. I may have gotten a headache from meeting so many different new people. Then I got back to the WCSC house, and scared the heck out of one of the residents who I had not met the night before. (I followed her inside). Then Andrew and I left, and we both talked nearly the entire way back, because we were just full of information and probably excitement, and caffeine. McDonald's. We got back at nine o'clock ish. I completely missed the Chem lab I was going to go to. But for the most part, it was ok.

I say Ambitious Ambiguity because I feel like my trip to D.C. was a little over emphasized, and added a little extra stress to my world this past week. I didn't get to run, besides indoor soccer, and I was stress half the week trying to find a ride, and then Emily found me one (thank goodness). Then there was also the stress of my chemistry exam that I didn't do amazingly well on, so it was just a big pile of things adding up even more.

But this weekend was rejuvenating, which was amazing. I was very content with the rest that I received, the friendships that were built upon, and the conversations that were held. I hope this next week isn't as bad.

Welcoming Silence

Music is my life. It describes me. It completes me. It gives me peace, helps me work through what's on my mind, and figure what I want. Music is a term or something that describes me, and balances the chaos and the silence that envelope the rest of my time. There is always a "musik" in someone's life. It's the thing that keeps one from going crazy when there's twenty poopy diapers, or that annoying co-worker just doesn't know when to quit. Your "music" is the headache reducer, stress-relieveing, relaxing activities that you take on to escape the reality that's not so bright all the time. So take this into consideration as you read. Take it in. Take advice. Take your music, and let it free you.

While being a musician, it's sometimes completely necessary to invoke the right of silence. There's always a need for alone time, especially when life beyond the world of music is jam-packed with questions and demanding things. I thrive off of the days when the chaos stops, even just for a moment. It lets me hear the true voice within me, and the real questions that I have to ask. It's in the moments of silence that I find out what I'm truly worried about, what's been on my mind, and how I need to make balance occur in my day. It's the balance of chaos, music, and silence that lets one's true self escape the bonds of the mind. So here's my recommendation to you. Think of a way that you can break away from your chaos, find your music, and feel the silence. Let the nature, the world around you fill you with peace of mind. Seek God in your own way. Learn to listen, not just to the outside, but to the inside. Find balance in what you do to figure your worries.

As for me, worries are just for the future. Who? what, when, where. How? Why? Can I possibly be able to do what I need and want to do and that be the same thing? Can I know that my heart, my mind and my soul are not going to agree, yet still feel okay with that? Is there a way that I can escape the loans that will follow me into college? Can I have any idea who or what is going to be there for me through moving, going to college, and then whatever's next?
This is why I have faith.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2Corinthians4:18) What we see, we take for granted. "Look there's a tree. I can keep breathing because it's there." What we don't see, we don't understand. "Why is that tree there? Why does it take my waste and produce something to keep me from stopping breathing? Why do I breathe? What's my life plan?" We spend eternity contemplating the unseen. People have philosophized about the unseen since the beginning of time, and will continue doing so until the end of time. So I know that human life is temporary, but God is eternal.