Finding Grace and Her Life

I ate french fries as a side dish this evening for supper. I have never willingly, since the seventh grade ordered that as a side dish. I personally hate fried foods and they make me feel inferior, in all honesty. They make me feel like a fatty. The point is I'm deciding what I want. And what I feel I need to do. The French Fry thing isn't a good example because I didn't have any other options, but what I'm saying is that I want to be able to do the thing that brings the most spring to my step. That makes me jump out of bed despite lacking hours of sleep. The thing that will give me motivation and both a heart and a mind for said thing. I want my major in college, and in essence, my career in life, to be something that I am truly passionate about. That I can fall out of my bed, get a concussion (this is hypothetically), and be disappointed that I'm missing classes because I want to do things that energize me.

Judy Mullet, our present Honors professor, asked us as leaders to state the ways that we can be energized when we are exhausted or having an off day. I knew mine was simple, but it scares me to admit so much in class. I'm energized by people. I thrive off of my own classmate's lack of energy and the silence that ensues when they are tired from waking up still.

One of my passions is people. Specifically helping people. Seeing a visual difference in how they take their days. Spending time with people energizes me and makes me really happy. I know this is true because when I feel depressed the exact opposite happens to me--I want to be alone--it's my mental shutting-down stage. So when I feel depressed I want to feel lonely and sad... It's a vicious cycle I need to step out of... Rabbit trail.

I want to do Missions. I'm so sick of sitting on my butt studying and getting fat from learning. (actually I'm not gaining weight, I'm going running as much as possible with my friend Ellie) The point is that I'm not DOing. I want to DO! I learned that I've had enough book learning and I want to experience learn. I enjoy labs for the science classes I'm currently taking. (when, lo and behold, I wanted to be a Biology Major. Whatever crossed my mind?) I want to travel outside of this dang country and help people in the way that I know how. Making relationships. With the universal language of music. Learning a language. Making a artistic project. I may not be great with building things, and with strategizing how to do said projects, but I can keep the people on the right track by being their friend and hypnotizing them with my music (Ok, I'm not that good. I was just making another point). This weekend I went to Harrisburg Discipleship Center for the Family Weekend, to see Zach, and what he's been up to before he goes to Guniea Bissau in December. While I was there, he was going through what they do during a week, and I kept thinking, I should do this. Why am I not here doing this? Naturally, my over-thinking mind would go through the checklist of the things that separate me from doing the things that I love and want to do--Financial Stability, Having to be Humble to ask people to give me money, Second Guessing my Decisions. What STUPID reasoning! These are the same reasons that I didn't major in Music, or Psychology, or Outdoor Ministries. I worry too much! I didn't want to be where my parents were when I was in elementary school. Not being able to buy everything that we needed. Or at least, that's how I felt. I didn't like the feeling of finances being inconsistent. I wanted to be the perfect college student--have a full ride--not loans coming my way. I wanted to have no debt going into medical school--my dream of financial heaven come true, after becoming a brain surgeon, I would proceed to have a family and be within the high class of "YourAverageCity", USA. But now that I realize it, anything that I think of for my future in sight of plans never work out. It's always better than what I foresaw, or something that I didn't even think of. Like Zach. Who thought I'd date a home-schooled guy from Middleof, Ohio? Then again, I didn't really have a set guy type... except for maybe Band Jerks. But what I'm saying is, it was unexpected that I'd find a guy that was crazy and equally stubborn and hilarious and that made me become more silly and more comfortable with myself than I have ever before. And in the past, I have always thought that I would be the Alpha Mom. Work and Mom. Because I'm GraCe, and I can do anything. But this semester has showed me, "No, Grace, you can't. Stop shopping for refrigerators at the Chinese food market. Not everyone can do everything." (by the way, I had to throw in some completely bogus line about something there. If it's too random for you, I'm sorry). I have taken way too many science credits than I could handle. I'm involving myself in one too many items. I want to be friends with everyone, and I want to do well in science, and I want to play the piano all the time. The point is, I can't do everything. In some ways, Zach showed me that. Which is interesting, as usual. I'm a bit of a skeptic with him, because sometimes he likes to pull my leg and see if I'm really paying attention, or to see if I know what I'm talking about. But on the days when we're seriously serious, I see that what I do has an end, and you know what? He picks it up where I leave off.

The only thing holding me back from becoming a Music Major is the fact that there are humans outside my practice room walking around. Not aliens! How amazing is that! (Sorry, it's almost one in the morning) But there really are humans walking around, and so I am personally obligated to warmly shake them by the hand and be their friend. And see what is good in their lives and what isn't, and express my pure emotion and frank thoughts about what they could/should do with what's happening in their heads. I can come up with honestly good ideas in short amounts of time, depending on my experience with the issue.

I'm a leader, an extrovert, but sometimes the quietest in the group. Sometimes I just listen, as that was the person I grew up being, but now as I listen, I'm waiting for someone to start being deep--to stop joking around about so and so's momma and start saying how they are really feeling. I don't want to always know how you felt today, I want to know what you learned and how you feel about it and if there's something that you could do to make it better or worse than what it was.

So my consensus: Being unsure. at least I know that for real. I thought that wanting to be a Biology Major was for real, but it turns out it was a stale memory of interest combined with the fleeting idea of not having to worry about money for the rest of my life. And then I hid my reasoning in baggage and put the motivation on autopilot. And I just woke up from my 1300 year long nap to find that 1) I was asleep 2)Biology is for Biologists, not for GrAce. 3) Hey! I'm flying an airplane. What's up with that? and 4)Who knew that toenails could get that long.

The point is, I know that I shouldn't be a doctor. If I wanted to be a doctor, I'd be motivated through the boring classes by the end point of the study. Next point. I don't know if I want to Major in Music. I love it. But I cannot practice four hours a day, productively. As Zach has said, "Stop being antisocial" There is a time and a place to play the piano. I'm more inclined to play all the time, because I love it, but I don't know if i could sacrifice my relationships for an instrument. Yes, I get my emotions out this way. Yes, it's something that makes me feel accomplished, but if I major in it, then that will be my main focus. I love the idea of that being my main focus, but I also love the idea of having people be my main focus. Music will ALWAYS be a part of my life. Learn what you love. and love what you learn. I can love the piano, and love the music that comes out of the piano, but it's always the wallflower. The accompaniment. The background music. And I don't dance to that beat. I'm a circulator. I'm the lead vocalist. I'm the one bearing my heart to the crowd with my own sense of humor. If it were People versus Piano, I believe that People would win. Mainly because pianos don't really have any offensive skills besides some pretty sharp bass strings, but really: People would win. But it's like Bush vs. Gore. Electoral vs. Population. It changes with time. Sometimes I'm certain. Sometimes there's nothing I'd rather do than play piano. But other times, it's the limiting reagent, especially if I just want to talk and hang with the peeps.

So Being Unsure translated into being a Major=Liberal Arts. And I'm actually slightly excited. If I take that route, I could be out of EMU in two years. Because of my kick cheeks work at UA the past two years, I have sixty credits to my name and seventeen more coming as this semester ends. I'll take classes in the areas I want. Psychology and Music. Poetry and Media Business. Drawing and Theology. Outdoor Ministries and maybe even Chemistry. But then I'll explore my option of exploring. Even though I don't want to wait. I don't see a majorly open option other than this. I could take a year off and go exploring. as of now, I have not a clue of where it could lead me. As I'm learning of myself, my spontaneous decisions are more true to myself than the ones that were flying the airplane for years. So it may be that I will have to explore my options to see what and where God is leading me. I'm a baby to this world of things to do and I want to so so many different things in so many different places. Doors and windows just need to be opened so I can climb in. I might even try to squeeze through a crack in the wall. If given the option, I may even try to break the wall down. So be aware. I may not be fast to start, but my momentum could knock over a 6'6" Lacrosse player.

First Day eve.

Stayed up late. Watched EVER AFTER. burned the popcorn. only a little. Ate mini animal crackers off the floor until Kayla insisted that I put them on the plate or I wold get the H1N1 virus. lol. I woke up at 7:00 and mourned the idea of having a meeting at eight in the morning.

Went to the meeting. After being the last people in the dining hall. And spilling my milk on the floor and having to carry my grapes in my Nalgene out of the cafeteria to the meeting.

Then we went to another meeting, about safety and I texted Alisha the entire time and we made jokes and decided to get a pet fish.

After all the intense meetings and my impatience rising, and my lack of sleep wacking me in the face every minute or so, we got a break time, and I jumped at the oppurtunity to go play the piano and record a new song (on my phone).

I'm excited for the music department. I peeked in some rooms and I believe they do have some recording equipment that I should be using. :)

We had some hall bonding and it was amazing. We made cards for our "mail partners"

Mine's name is Allison. She's in the Honors program. There are three girls in our hall in the honors program. And three that are biology majors. So I'm all set to do really well and study a lot.

It's hard to be away someone I want to see and hug and kiss everyday. It's even harder when we can't understand or I can't be sensitive when there's something serious said and I cannot be. I try to be a funny person by nature, so being serious when I'm uncomfortable is difficult.

But I am realizing that life is full of uncomfortable feelings. And I am accepting it now and loving the idea. Even though it's uncomfortable. I feel love is more important than being completely comfortable. So I'm going to try to find a balance in that.

Welcoming Silence

Music is my life. It describes me. It completes me. It gives me peace, helps me work through what's on my mind, and figure what I want. Music is a term or something that describes me, and balances the chaos and the silence that envelope the rest of my time. There is always a "musik" in someone's life. It's the thing that keeps one from going crazy when there's twenty poopy diapers, or that annoying co-worker just doesn't know when to quit. Your "music" is the headache reducer, stress-relieveing, relaxing activities that you take on to escape the reality that's not so bright all the time. So take this into consideration as you read. Take it in. Take advice. Take your music, and let it free you.

While being a musician, it's sometimes completely necessary to invoke the right of silence. There's always a need for alone time, especially when life beyond the world of music is jam-packed with questions and demanding things. I thrive off of the days when the chaos stops, even just for a moment. It lets me hear the true voice within me, and the real questions that I have to ask. It's in the moments of silence that I find out what I'm truly worried about, what's been on my mind, and how I need to make balance occur in my day. It's the balance of chaos, music, and silence that lets one's true self escape the bonds of the mind. So here's my recommendation to you. Think of a way that you can break away from your chaos, find your music, and feel the silence. Let the nature, the world around you fill you with peace of mind. Seek God in your own way. Learn to listen, not just to the outside, but to the inside. Find balance in what you do to figure your worries.

As for me, worries are just for the future. Who? what, when, where. How? Why? Can I possibly be able to do what I need and want to do and that be the same thing? Can I know that my heart, my mind and my soul are not going to agree, yet still feel okay with that? Is there a way that I can escape the loans that will follow me into college? Can I have any idea who or what is going to be there for me through moving, going to college, and then whatever's next?
This is why I have faith.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2Corinthians4:18) What we see, we take for granted. "Look there's a tree. I can keep breathing because it's there." What we don't see, we don't understand. "Why is that tree there? Why does it take my waste and produce something to keep me from stopping breathing? Why do I breathe? What's my life plan?" We spend eternity contemplating the unseen. People have philosophized about the unseen since the beginning of time, and will continue doing so until the end of time. So I know that human life is temporary, but God is eternal.