A Perspective on Uncle Charlie (1975-2015)

Charlie's hari, example one

**This is a raw emotion process of the death of my uncle. It is not meant to be flowing and eloquent. It is meant to be a method of the unique mourning process that comes with a complicated and dysfunctional relationship.**

Most of my memories of Uncle Charlie are from my childhood. Many memories are funny stories, and many others matter-of-fact statements on how his life was.

Charlie would have been 40 this year, but he seemed much other than my Uncle Jon, who also turned 40 recently.
He had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
His hair was always a mess. Or dyed blonde, and he was bi racial with very curly hair, so it wasn't the best look for him.
His street name was Squirrel. People still knew him as that as of yesterday.  When his hair was "blonde" he temporarily wanted it to be changed to Bumblebee. I think we all liked Squirrel 'better.'

Uncle Charlie spent a lot of time in his early adult life without a permanent home. It was due to this that he would (by my parent's permission) sleep on our various porches when we lived in Virginia. He also slept in the basement of the duplex (which led to our cat Simba/Big Boy, who was an indoor cat, being let out and in the pound for several weeks.). He also slept on the couches we had in our homes, but after coming home drunk and falling asleep with the contents of his pockets spilling out (including chewing tobacco, with curious preschool and elementary school aged girls in the house), he was relocated to the porch at the duplex, and then the shed at our home in Bridgewater. I have memories of coming downstairs in the middle of the night (for a bathroom break) and hearing the TV static and hearing him snoring on the couch.

Charlie in Steelers gear

We had interesting memories--to say the least-- of Uncle Charlie. I remember him giving us girls two Disney movies, and then later asking for them back. One was the Lion King 2, and I don't remember exactly if he every took them back, because my parents still have that movie in their movie cabinet.

Once, at a Christmas family gathering in the 90s, Charlie decided he was a coffee connoisseur and was acting all high and mighty about how m uch milk and sugar was added to it and my dad and his brother added hot sauce to his cup. There is a picture commemorating this event.

Charlie's hair, example 2

Around the same time the snuff was falling out of his pocket, my dad picked it up one morning and enriched it with some rabbit turds. Charlie came back later that day with, "Man! You won't believe what happened! I offered my buddy some snuff and he took a pinch and put it in his mouth and spat it out and said, 'Man! This tastes like *&^$! Hahahahahahah!."

Once, in elementary school, I came home from school and couldn't find my sweet new pink bike anywhere. I had bought it for $75 with my paper route money and was distraught that it was gone. Turns out Charlie was running late to work and he "borrow" it to get to work faster. You know you are desperate when you ride you niece's pink bike to work at McDonald's.

Parts of his life were tragic.

Being born with fetal alcohol syndrome means that the birth mom drinks heavily during the pregnancy. Talk about hardship. It also means that a person is going to have a hard life, right from the womb. It causes developement, mental, social and psychological challenges. He was a foster child in my grandparents' home very early in his babyhood (it may be been before eight weeks.)

He had trouble keeping a job. He struggled with authority.

He could not obtain a license (although he knew how to drive a car and had at many instances). He had many girlfriends, and married once. That lady was pregnant with another man's baby (he was in prison), at the time but Charlie treated that sweet girl like his own daughter. When his wife became pregnant again, with twins, he was overjoyed, and also loved those girls deeply. Sadly, they too, were children of yet another man, and he and his wife separated and were on their way to divorce (but it was never made legal as of yesterday). He was a stay at home dad for those girls. He loved to grill. Once he had us over at his motor home for tons of delicious barbecued meat.

Charlie in Steelers gear, 2008

We always saw him at family gatherings. There, and specifically at gatherings with large amounts of family (except for funerals), he wore themed outfits. Steelers garb. There was never a Thanksgiving or Engle Reunion when the terrible towel (or dirty rag, depending on if it had been washed) didn't attend, along with golden sweats and a black and gold jersey. And beanie.

Once at the Engle reunion, he told us to call him Uncle "Chuckle", and called his shed his "hut."

My relationship with Uncle Charlie was complicated.

I have shied away from interacting with him in the past few years and had not seen him since Naisa's baby shower in August 2012. Charlie was known for his outspoken vocal opinions of women's appearances. Even relatives. I had heard more than enough from him. When I was an insecure teenager it was quicksand for my ego. Then when I found myself in college, it was irritating and demeaning. My sisters and I would ignore it roll our eyes. There haven't been any remembered abusive interaction besides that one time he slapped my hand in church when I accidentally dropped the offering plate. However, my mother told me in 2012 that when I was five, she found me sleeping in the same sleeping bag as him one morning. When I saw him again after that, I was twenty weeks pregnant, and had a small baby bump. He gave me an intrusive hug, and touched my belly (which I did not say he could touch and he did not ask) and he exclaimed, "You are going to be as big as a house." Everyone was staying at my grandparents' house that night and though sleeping in a different room, he was going to be sleeping in the basement. My mother noticed my discomfort and suggested that Dad also sleep in the basement and that comforted me. Charlie's boundaries were definitely askew.

Brianna, Charlie, Abby and Izzy, 2008

I'm humbled, I think, for someone I knew well, loved, but did not like, to pass away. I am a bit ambivalent. Is that wrong? It feels like it is because this is someone who means different hings for different people.

For my dad, he helped raise him. He worked hard to connect with him and be supportive of him. This is love! But this was not my role. I was a niece. I am a woman. I am my father's child. Charlie and I had a complicated relationship and I didn't need to be close to him. I needed distance. I didn't want him to have my cell phone number or know my address. I didn't want him interacting with my children. (I was not opposed to him meeting my children, but it never happened. )

He did not die peacefully. I heard from my dad that he had a seizure and choked on his vomit. This is not something I want to tell people about. Death isn't pleasant, especially before their 'time', though God knew his time. I don't even know if I want to tell people about it here, because it's a weird feeling having to address the fact that it was a dysfunctional relationship, and I don't want to say out loud that he was a hard person to be around.

His personality--he was a womanizer, had lots of things to say, but not much to do about them. He deeply desired to have a child of his own line--deeply desiring unconditional love. Calling relatives and asking for money to help with food, rent, etc, after spending the money on something else. There was too much pain in his life. I wonder how he processed it all. A birth mom who drank so heavily through her pregnancy that he was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. There's so much I dont' know or don't understand about his situation. I thin most of the Engles feel the same say. Why didn't he work on his issues with authority? Why didn't he work on getting better with his finances? I don't know. Because he was Charlie.

Charlie and Dathaniel Thanksgiving 2013

When we had our baby shower for Naisa in 2012, he brought his new girlfriend, Ashley. They were trying for a baby, he said, and they'd just lost one. Later they were pregnant and they did have a son. Dathaniel was born on June 11th, 2013. In August 2014, I received a letter from social services saying I was being contacted because I was a relative of Dathaniel and he was being put in foster care. And my heart was completely broken. This child may never know the Engle family. I want so badly to take this little boy in. There should always be this option. But Ben and I are also in a rough spot. But I want to be a momma to this little boy. A deep mama bear cam out when he was born and I heard that he was placed in foster care, that he couldn't live with his family because it wasn't safe there. He will be two this June. I feel like my window of opportunity has closed. I have never met this child. Just seen pictures. He has been in Foster care for almost eight months. No one wants to uproot a toddler from their living environment. I think it frustrates me the most when I think about all the GOOD families in the Engles. Is there not one who could have taken him?

I have know for awhile that I try to avoid the imagery and confrontation that comes with death. The last funeral I attended was in 2010--my grear-grandfather Engle--a man well lived. It was a joyous occasion with lots of remembering and not as much mourning, because he'd lived a good life and was with His Savior.

But I don't know about Uncle Charlie. Dad once said that Charlie struggled with "church" stuff. I don't know the answer why. There are a lot of questions unanswered that may never be answered here on this earth.

I hope HOPE! that he has a new body and is worshipping out Glorious LORD in heaven now. That's hard to think about. And it wasn't my role to be the one to encourage him to think about Christ... or was it? Maybe in a lifetime with less of the pain of reality that existed for him that spilled out into the rest of us.

I want so badly to not portray him in such a light. "Don't speak ill of the dead." But it is hard to think of times when I felt I could take him seriously, except when he was struggling--struggling with the reality that the twins he thought were his for such a long time were another man's children. I remember the phone call to Dad that I heard on the answering machine the night when Brenna died. He was having a hard time dealing with it. I knew it was hard too, but I didn't understand it like I do now, as a mother. When little Peili died, I felt it. I had to write then.
I remember being at Uncle Mike's house, doing a developmental study with Megan for school, when he got a call from Charlie who was frustrated because he couldn't see the girls--they were getting a divorce. I remember that, and the deep sorrow I felt. Divorce is something I'd neve wish upon anyone.

I have been writing this to process and to figure out in what way I've respected him. I wanted there to be some positive light, although sometimes in real life there aren't always positives. But I have realized it now. I respected his fierce love for those girls whose fathers were not present. He had a fierce desire for and love for children, which is why he wanted a child of his own. It was challenging for me to watch when he had such a child in those bad circumstances.
I also respected his desire-need to have a job. Even thought he was let go and fired again and again for various reasons, he still tried to get another one over and over again. And he was hired over and over again. That, my friends, is endurance. "Blessed is the man who endures his trials, for when he passes the test he will received the crown of life that God promised to those who love him." My memorization of James 1 and 2 thus far is making me think about this. Did Charlie believe in God"? I'm sure he did! Did he have good works too? I can think of some. Not all of his works were good, obviously, but isn't that the way it is with all of us? If one keeps the entire law, yet fails at one point, he is guilty of breaking it all. I write that for myself, as no one of us is a "bigger" or "worse" sinner than the other.

I am remembering now, when I was fifteen and just starting to write songs, I played some for Charlie and my Uncle jon. We were on our way back to Ohio from the beach that summer, and he said, "Yeah, me and some guys are putting together a band."
"What kind of a band?" I asked.
"Like insane clown posse. Yeah we got a recording coming up."
I rolled my eyes then and chuckle to myself now when I think about that interaction. It was classic Charlie, 'one-up-ing'. but I think that was his 'way' of teeling you he liked something. Like when I was twenty weeks prego and he touched my belly and said, "you are going to be as big as a house." Doesn't make it any less traumatizing, but its just how he worked.

Mom with Izzy and Abby, 2008

I remember when Charlie said he was learning Spanish at one of his jobs, or in the neighborhood he was living in. I thought that was great, although wary of whether or not it was a boast or a fact (this was often the question). But he spoke it and it was Spanish and it was something he was learning from another. What a gift to learn another language from a peer.

In conclusion, I would like to share a story that points to another essence of Charlie: great, but unrealistic ideas and no money to do them.
It was at the same visit that he said he (and some of the guys at the trailer park) were going to start a hot dog stand and sell hot dogs though the trailer park. He asked Grandpa for money so he could buy a portable hot dog stand or grill that his friend was selling.
"only $600!"
Grandpa's suggestion that he attach Uncle Joe's old three wheeled bike (which was brakeless, in thei shed) to his grill.

Being awake at 6:20 provides updates about my life!

I love my alarm clock. He coos and hmms and "Duh'duh"s until I get him out of his bed, hoping that it's just a snooze button that can be nursed back to sleep.

But when he's trying to crawl out of my arms the moment he's done nursing, I knew I battle was lost.
So I pulled my husband's cot into the bedroom (with my husband on it! hahahahah) where Yonah was (we sleep in the living room because that's where the futon is, until we get our things), and Yonah and I went into the living room to hang out. Ben, who is a nighty owl (I can't convince him otherwise), has been working until close every night this week, (EVERY NIGHT. I'm going to fire his manager.)(But I can't.) so he can sleep in in the morning. If I don't drag him into the bedroom by my own volition, then the agreement is that we (Yonah and I) stay in the bedroom until 8am. An hour and a half....  If it's fifteen minutes, it's not so bad.

I love the warm weather!! (45 degrees being warm... hahah) I think I was in this mindset that it was going to be winter forever in PA. It was a coping mechanism, just like if I didn't think about it too much, staying in the extended stay hotel wasn't awful. So I Netflixed away my feelings. And I have been doing that here too, just with different free trials.

But this warmer weather--it's a game changer. I'm thinking about gardening. I have seeds and I will grow little transplants this year! This weekend, my grandma is coming to PA and is bringing our stroller! Just in time for the warmer weather! So I can go out for walks with my little treasures when the weather is mild enough!

Yonah has some teeth on their way. they are getting ready to pop through his gum line, which is why I gave him a carrot to gnaw on this morning. He LOVES solids. He gets really upset when he's hungry and has not been fed!

We have started the potty training process with Naisa. Right now we're waiting for some Hello Kitty underpants to come in the mail, and then I will plow full force toward success. She has her princess potty. and peed in it once. the day before yesterday. The day before that, she peed on the potty once. Right now, she really loves to wash her hands and brush her teeth right after peeing (or just sitting on the potty). I showed her that the potty makes a fun noise when you pee in it, but she hasn't connected the dots yet. she knows it "makes noise" and she wants to "go potty and make noise", but she hasn't yet (the one time she did pee on it the noise wasn't activated, dang it!)

I finished my 60 day T-Tapp challenge, and too my after photos. While I had not dramatic transformation, I had results, and it wasn't just a visual result. I also had success with using the workout program to ease back pain that resulted from a minor car accident we were in as a family in the snow on the way to a wedding in February. I'll post the before and after pictures here:

Got to go do some diaper changes!

Updates for the month of February

Yonah is very mobile, crawling everywhere and he loves going into the other rooms (especially the bathroom) and playing with things he shouldn't--the cable cords, the door stopper, the soors themselves, climbing on the step in the bathroom, eating fuzzies off the floor! He's always chewing on something he found on the floor and I have to go fish is out of his mouth (or I see it in his diaper later!). He has enthusiastically began solids in full force and his body has had quite an adjustment switching from 100% breastmilk to lots of solids with breastmilk. He is pulling up easily, and yesterday he started to try standing without holding onto things. He is 8 and 1/2 months.

Naisa's vocab is excellent. The other day I was trying to fix her hair and she didn't want me to, so she said, "Please stop my hair." Most of the time she has great grammar and great sentences, and we also get a lot of made-up blahblahblah "Yonah's blue elephant" blahblahblah. She makes "trains" with several boxes of different sizes and often blocks the walking way in the apartment with them. "Rocket's crate" was identified as one of them.

It's really fun to see them playing together. They are so giggly and most of the time Naisa is taking the things that Yonah is playing with because she suddenly has an uncontrollable desire to play with them now that someone else is playing with them (typical two year old).

My mom and sister, Anna, came to visit twice and we really enjoyed seeing them. I gave Naisa and Yonah hair cuts because things were getting a little out of hand. Yonah may need another hair cut soon! Mom and Anna brought us some items from our storage unit, including but not limited to: dish drying rack, some plates, our silverware, some mugs, clothes for Yonah and Naisa, the cloth diapers, diaper pail. It has been so nice to not have to purchase diapers now!

I have been doing a 60 day challenge with T-Tapp, the workout routine I follow. I have seen some changes in my clothing fitting, and more recently started tracking my POINTs (old weightwatchers style) to attempt to have some accountability with my eating to help with progress. This workout is gentle and rehabilitative, as well as challenging (I always workout a sweat if I focus on the form!).

We attended a wedding in Sonderton on the 20th. We hit some bad weather on the way in and had a minor car accident due to the slush on the roads. We had started fishtailing and went into the cement median. We were blessed, though--Naisa lept watching her show, Yonah kept sleeping, no one got hurt, the car was almost completely unscathed (one broken windsheild wiper.), Ben had been breaking the entire time, so we bounced off, and did not smash into the median. I had some back pain afterward, but because I have the T-Tapp workout, I was able to do some of the moves to stretch and align my back again so that I wouldn't have pain.

We had finally received our health care and Food Stamp Assistance in PA and we have so much gratitude for the fact that there are programs so we can receive these things.

Ben is still working hard at Lifeway, and hopes for change soon.. our income needs a boost!

I quit coffee and we got a futon and a washer

We have been in the new apartment for almost three whole months now. We had this wonder washer, which is completely manual and you have to wring everything out and it still takes forever to dry, and then a kind family from the church had an old washer available and they brought it over. The problem was it was a cold day and she had just done a load in it. It worked great, but leaked all over the floor into the downstairs storage area onto our neighbor's things. So the day we deemed the washer unusable, Ben set out and found an affordable washer for our family and we had it delivered almost the next day. 

Our air mattresses had worked great for a while until one sprung a leak and then so did the other. Ben got a cot and I got a futon. It's a nice quality futon that was new when we got it. We need to avoid having a broken futon. It's great to have because within a week of purchasing it, Yonah pulled up for the first time.

Probably in the middle of Janurary, I didn't want to keep running out of coffee and hating everything for the few days until we could buy some again, and so I got a coffee sub called TeeCcino. It's tasty, you make in a coffee maker, and was just enough to make my morning routine still happen. I do miss it, but I have coffee once a week at mom's group, and it's never quite how I would make it. 

We had been attending Bossler Mennonite, which is where my mom's group meets! It's my survival! I love it and Naisa loves it. She asks to "go a kids" and when it's over and she still wants me to play, she tries to send me "go back to mommies" . She is disappointed when we miss nursery. 

We had been visiting a couple different churches because Ben wanted to attend one with a pastor with  extensive education. We went to a Calvary chapel in Lancaster, but we're disheartened when we couldn't have our children in the service and some left mid sermon after my glasses broke and Naisa fell down on her way out of the narrow pew, 

We are now attending the first church we looked at when we came... And we have been there one time since we decided to start going back, because of the weather. We won't be going this week because we will be in Souderton this weekend, attending one of Ben's cousin's wedding. 

Goals for the New Year!

When I was in high school, I made goal lists every season, and hung them on my wall. Whether or not I completed them, it was a good reminder to keep on growing and learning.  Then I stopped doing that, and through college I just kept my goals just in my head. Get at least a B in Chemistry and Biology. Try to exercise a couple times a week. Run more. Play piano and write every day.

In one of my social work classes we learned that goals are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and within a time restraint.

To be realistic, I am not setting 100 goals, but only setting a few: one for each specific area in my life.

Spiritual: Get into God's word every day. No matter how little, just do it. And pray. Pray with music or while nursing the baby.

Musical/Mental: Once I get the piano, play at couple times a week at least.

Physical: Do a T-Tapp workout 3-5 times a week. Dry brush almost everyday. Fit comfortably in my pre Naisa pregnancy clothes by the end of the year.

Fertile: Take temperature each morning and monitor signs of ovulation.

Creative/Emotional: Be creative weekly, whether through song writing, knitting, baking projects, writing. Grow as much of a garden we can this year!

Naisa: Keep teaching letters, move on to sounds and then words when she's ready. Establish a regular play date if I don't get a babysitting job. Potty train. 

Yonah: Nurse the whole year! Start working on solids when he can sit up and grab.

Husband: Do something just for us everyday. Either work on finding a Bible study we both like, playing games, or just talking.

What are your goals for the year?

Sanity Busters tiny room version

We have been in our extended stay studio room for almost a month now. Yonah is five months old now and is getting to be a big, happy, laughing, squirmy little boy! He is scooting backwards and grabbing at things at every chance he gets! We are still nursing strong and I am thoroughly enjoying being able to do that. Naisa gets into everything and every item in this room is a toy, it seems. All the extra plug covers have become pacifiers (and she never had a pacifier, mind you). All the DVDs go in and out of their cases. All e parts of her still unused potty are in various spots all over the room. When I go get free oranges and coffee in the morning, from the lobby, she claims them as her own and plays with them for the next hour. I have found the. Under our bed and Yonahs bed. She does funny things! When e heater is blowing air into the room, she mimics washing her hands, and says,"washing hands!" She claims everything in the room as hers. I hear,"that's Naisa's bed, bathroom, nap, chair, toy, blanket." All the time. 

Due to the nature of every item being relocated several times a day, and mycleaning several times a day, I get weary. Very weary of putting things back for the twelfth time. And telling Naisa not to play with something for the fourteenth time. It's exhausting. And when she doesn't listen, I get too tired of the fits she has because she's is angry because she said she didn't want to eat. Then I have to fight her to take any bite, let alone Naisa  taking her own bite with the utensil herself! She gets timeouts in her bed a couple times a day, and I really encourage nap time earlier than later.

There have been a couple times I haven't replaced things in their original places after Naisa has relocat them. Unfortunately, both of these things were favorite DVDs. For the life of me, I cannot find where they are in the room! I have looked everywhere! Several times, at least once a day for the past week and a half, I have looked for the lost dvd. And the the second one went missing! All because naisa couldn't stop playing with them! 

But it drives me insane! There are onlY so many places that you can look for things In a room the size of a master bedroom. Both surfs up and blues clues have disappeared. I know we are going to find the. The day we move out and i am going to be so mad! 

This concludes Sanity Busters: Small Room edition

Living in a Room with the curtains shut

There have been several times this week that have pushed me to angry.
Angry that I am stuck living in a tiny room most of the day without adult contact.
Angry that there are no sidewalks nearby or playgrounds closer than a mile away.
Angry that Naisa always screams as hard as she can when she's mad, even if Yonah is napping at the time (three feet away from her)
Angry I have to pull the blackout curtain closed when I am nursing- there are no mini blinds!
Angry that Naisa just wants to drink milk and doesn't want to eat very many other things.
Angry that I need to touched by my little humans all day long.

I am tired this morning because Yonah decided that he wanted to be awake and not asleep between 11:45 and 12:45 last night. I get tired of the domino effect of one child waking up the other.

It seems like a dream that we will soon have more space including separate rooms for the bedrooms and the kitchen, and maybe even (gasp) a dishwasher! I am thankful though, for the free coffee and oranges in the lobby, as this week we ran out of fruit early on and the refrigerator is getting emptier and emptier and we need to make it to Saturday.

I dropped the laptop on my big toe yesterday, and spent the day with throbbing intense pain and I am limping around. At least Naisa didn't want to go for a walk yesterday. My nail is almost completely purple, and I am going to lose it.

We we went for a walk on Tuesday, around our building and the one next to ours. They're was a block of grass in between that had lots of crunchy leaves that we walked through. That was great for us- the weather was rather warm in comparison to the polar voters that has arrived.

Naisa has been obsessed with this Backyardigens Surfs Up DVD. She wants to watch it over and over all day long. I do make her take breaks, especially when she starts pressing buttons instead of watching, and I tell her to play with her toys (always met with great protests). I have been working to teach her shapes and colors, and have started on capital letters. Repetition and fun pictures are key for this, and to go very slowly because I have her attention for one to three minutes. There are a few letters she can recognize if I ask, "what's that?" Like B and N and sometimes A and I and S (especially if they are in that order, writing "NAISA". And the others, I just keep using and describing.

I am sick of disposable diapers and pee coming out the side. Naisa just peed on the bed... A big toddler pee. Now I have to get a new sheet.

Tiny space, constant mess

With the amount of stuff that we have, the small space we have, and the overactive Naisa's need to touch and move everything that is at her level, we have a constant pile of things all over the room (because that is what we have--a room. Naisa (thank goodness!) has a little curtain that we can close off from the room (she's in the "closet") and Yonah will sleep adequately once he's asleep and and noise levels are kept at a level pace.

I clean up everything approximately twice a day, once around nap time and once around bed time. I have removed the potty from Naisa's level because she screams "NO!NO!NO!" and takes the bowl out from under the seat, and makes a mess of it. There's no place for the toys besides Naisa's bed and she can't reach them unless I get them for her, and it's extra work for me to be Naisa's servant. And not really my style. She needs to be independent.

It's much more challenging to wash dishes in a room when your children are sleeping...right next to the the kitchen. So I have to put dishes off until morning, which is a little unwise due to the reviews I read about this extended stay having issues with cockroaches. . . so I need a better plan for that.

Yonah is starting to grab at things, and I think he needs some soft stuffed chewing toys (mom? wanna makes something?). He's starting to lift his hips up and scoot backwards (he not five months yet!), and so we have to watch where we place him and what's around him now that he's moving and grabbing and we're in a unsatisfactory extended stay.

OK. that's all I can think about right now because I'm watching 7th heaven at the same time and Yonah's got a poopy diaper!

Shalom.

Our Trip to Nashville, plus extended stay first impressions

The Trip to Nashville
We had a very long trip from Fredericksburg.
We split the trip into two days, Naisa and Ben in the rented car and Yonah and I in our car.  On Friday, I packed up most of our things and then on Saturday morning, we packed some more and went to get the rental car at ten. Then we all had to drive back (did I mention it was cold and looking like rain?), pack up the cars with our things, get gas and air in the tires, and then finally at 12:30, we were on the road.

When we stopped the first time, Ben saw a wasp in his car and proceeded to try to kill it with the very large, very full bag of Late July blue tortilla chips. We now have a very large bag of crumbs.

Ben handled Naisa in his car, and didn't use the DVD player (!), but let her play and nap and scream while he listened to his audio Bible. It was during this trip that Naisa became attached to a purple blanket and got insane when it fell to the floor of the car and Ben couldn't reach it.

I had Yonah in the car and because I was driving we had to stop every time he got hungry or inconsolable.

While Yonah has napping, the drive felt great, doable, and not stressful. But when he would get fussy, I would call Ben and we would find a place to park and I would nurse him. he needed to nurse some, but he mostly needed to look and interact with me. After the third time we stopped, we got on the road again and Yonah started crying almost right away, and I tried to calm him, but I had been singing the whole drive, it was dark, it was raining on and off and that was stressing me out and also trying to follow Ben. I watched the clock for ten minutes and soon i was crying--exhausted, frustrated I couldn't calm Yonah, mad we still had two more hours. I did that for a little while and then I called Ben and we pulled over and right then, Yonah fell asleep.

And then we drove the rest of the way. When we got to the hotel and got into our room (which the door was very squeaky and the heater did not work, but we slept fine. We ate when we got there--11pm, and then all were in bed by midnight. We left the next morning at 9 (adjusted time), went to breakfast and left there at 10, and then began our drive from Knoxville to Nashville. It was only three hours, was rather scenic, and besides someone trying to veer into my line, there was no drama.

Extended Stay first impressions
We made it to the extended stay around one. shortly after, they gave us keys to the room and then the long afternoon started. The room we were given had a toilet that was eternally running so we called them to have them come take a look at it. And then we waited. We had not had lunch at this point. about a half an hour later, someone showed up, took a look at it, and told us that he needed to consult with the manager. Some more time passed, and they called us to tell us that the toilet needed some maintenance and we could look at another room, but it was being cleaned at the moment so we had to wait. Well we waited over an hour (calling a couple times and no one picking up!) and finally the manager came and gave us new keys for the other room. We walked in to our non smoking room that was freshly scented with an air spray and we could both tell that this wasn't quite was we originally had in mind for the month, but since his company was paying for it, we didn't really have an option.

I have spotted at least two cigarette burns on furniture, there are places where the pain is scraped off the wall. There is a hole in the sheet. I found frozen pink something in the freezer, and two pairs of boxers in the drawers. They brought use a "clean" set of dishes and a toaster, and the coffeemaker still had a filter and grounds in it (and we returned that to them, no longer needing it). The bar latch on the door was loose, and there are cracks on the window. We are on the first floor. I feel relatively safe, but it's not the carriage house we were in. There is space for both kids, and our things, but it is a tight fit.

I am thankful to have a place to be, to have our things in here and to be able to not be in transition. But I am tired today because our neighbor was watching the football game with his loud swearing friends last night until eleven or something. But don't worry, Pittsburgh won. Eh.

We are not impressed with this extended stay. When Ben stayed with the extended stay in Lynchburg, it was new, nice, and high quality. They one is more run down, and not really ideal, but because it's location is in the center of the three different stores that we need to be at in the next couple weeks, we'll have to make it work.

The weird part is that there is another extended stay right next to this one, with just one other hotel in between them. And it looked nicer. It's rather bizarre.

One-Room-Quiet Acrobatics

The past few nights Ben hasn't slept well and so he tries to get as much sleep as possible in the morning. This worked fine when we had a two bedroom apartment, and a two bedroom carriage house bed and breakfast but it is much more challenging in a one room hotel room.

Yonah woke up at 6:41am, which is fine for me, but isn't good for Ben who needed the extra sleep. So I nursed Yonah, and then tried to keep him quiet, but that's among one of the most impossible things to do. Babies squeal and don't respond to "shhh!", so I let him talk, albeit as minimal as I could.

Then Naisa woke up and although she can be quiet while she's in her bed, normally waking up in the morning means getting to make noise. So naturally Ben was awake. Naisa started fussing for her milk, right while I was changing Yonah's diaper (which has become a wiggly process that takes longer than it used to), and tension rose some.

So I ended up getting Yonah bounced back to sleep at 8:00 and Naisa had a banana and some milk while in bed, and she's doing an okay job of being quiet. It's just a challenge because it makes Ben and me frustrated at each other. That's challenging for me because I want to spend time with Ben and enjoy that time, but instead either he's irritated at me or I'm irritated at him or I'm irritated because Yonah and Naisa has been driving me bonkers all day. And I just want some adult time and talk to an adult.

Now Naisa's diaper and pants (and bed) were wet so out of the bed she comes. It's 8:30 and Ben's alarm is going off and he's still not getting up, so I have to continue to keep her quiet (not an easy process with a two year old). I gave her a some almonds and some water. So far she's wuiet, but it's a limited moment. Soon she'll be loud though, because being out of her bed means she can make noise... and Yonah and Ben are still sleeping/trying to sleep.

This... is my morning.

And we're in! How things are going so far!

We are in our new space for the next month. It is a one room "efficiency" apartment with the only other room being the bathroom.

When we packed and moved our things into Ben's father's truck and located ValuePlace and got checked in by a kind and energetic host. And when we walked into the original room we were going to rent, it was just room for a bed, tv, half a dresser and a coat rack. It was the size of Ben's CA dorm room in college. So we upgraded to the room with the sofa, because it had more floor space and then I rearranged the room while Ben and his dad were loading up the cart to bring things up.

As they brought things, I went through the boxes and moved all the things I thought we might not need in the next month. Goodbye cornmeal, extra spoons, many books and toys, and a pink ball. There wasn't enough floor space or patience to keep a large garbage bag full of toys.

Naisa and Yonah's beds are stationed next to each other in the corner where the couch previously was. The couch is where the table used to be and the table is in front of the window. All our extra things that didn't need to be out and accessible were shoved under the very high bed frame.

We put the shoes and stroller in the bathroom, because there was more floorspace in there and not in the way.

There is no oven. It would be good to have a toaster oven or a crock pot, but there's no counter space, so I'm using the pressure cooker for things that are needing cooking and the other pans for quick heating.

Naptime and bedtime are going okay so far. I originally wanted to have a tent set up for Naisa to have her own space, but there definitely isn't enough space. Naisa and Yonah's beds are next to each other in the corner where the couch was originally. Naisa plays quietly in her bed for a couple hours, pretending to sleep when I check on her before peering over the edge of the crib and smiling at me. The problem is nap time is pushed very far back. Normally she would nap at two and now she's falling asleep at four. Yonah's napping is whenever and when Naisa is in her bed she stays quiet so I don't have trouble keeping Yonah asleep.

The fun part is doing things in the kitchen portion while the children sleep. I don't like being forced to be quiet but sleep is sacred. But I'm sure they will adjust to the noise as long as I'm not ridiculously noisy.

The first night of sleeping was really hard because Naisa, Ben, and I all went to bed at eleven and then Naisa spent an hour between 2 and 3 coughing intermittently and we were up with that and then Yonah got up at seven, bright and early so we were all tired.

The second night went much better. Everyone was so tired, Yonah slept from ten to six and I almost did also!. :)

Today we went to the grocery store.. I walked to Lifeway to get the car and then we went to Wegmans. Ben's job is now located within a quarter mile of our apartment and when he won't drive to work, he can walk and I'll have the car.

I'm going to post pictures later.

Transitioning from the bed n breakfast to a one room extended stay hotel

This weekend Ben, Naisa, Yonah, and I are moving from our cozy bed and breakfast two-bedroom-apartment to a one room extended stay hotel room for a month. Ben's training was originally supposed to be ending at the end of October, but there were several unforeseen occurances that extended the training--the first week of training, which was more of the manager trying to do hisi thing, and Ben trying to follow the instructions of the company and not much getting done, a week of training in Lynchburg, and a week of the Yearly Sales Meeting (a conference with all the managers in the company). So here we are, almost November, and Ben has a couple weeks to go still.

When I made the reservation for this place I didn't expect it to need to be extended, so we needed to move to another place for the rest of the training. I looked and LOOKED for another place via Airbnb.com, but nothing met our needs quite like this place (two bedrooms and a whole kitchen with all the things we needed!, and affordable.) I even looked at apartments in the area that were short leases with furnished options, but they were all so much MONEY. Even extended stays in the area were too far and too expensive. And KOAs weren't ideal either. So when I found this place, called Value Place, an extended stay place in the area with lower weekly rates, it looked like this was just what we needed, even though they didn't have any two room options that were affordable.

On Saturday, Ben's parents are helping us move into our room, which as a full sized fridge, two burners and some storage space, a table and two chairs, and a bed for Ben and I. Naisa and Yonah will sleep in their pack n plays. And i get to learn to parent in an even tinier place.

I know bedtimes, nap time, and after bedtime is going to be a challenge, because that's when Ben and I get to spend time together, and when I get my time to exercise, but it's very very close to where Ben works, so the car will be available to use.

I'm looking forward to the challenges and joys of living closer together. I'm also looking forward to finding out where we are going to be and READY to know that. 

Dad, then Mom visits, 7th heaven, and kust thinks

Mom has been here this week, which has been great, since Ben has been gone for a conference with his new job. Naisa is in full charge of a two year old behavior. Learning new words, and screaming when things aren't as she wants them! We went to Babies'R'Us yesterday and picked out a cute baby potty for Naisa. She picked out one and it's set up in the bathroom, and her babies (not her!) have peed and pooped on the potty. :)
We went to the park with Naisa on Monday. It's within a mile of our place, and we found it had a nice playground within a fenced area. There was another little boy Naisa's age with his dad. I'm still trying to figure out if I could handle Naisa having a fit at the park while I need to take care of Yonah. I figure that if she has a fit and won't recover, then we'll go home right away. And I'll try to figure out how to do that when Yonah needs to nurse at the same time. But I can handle it.
Tuesday we went to the library. We drove out, although it is in walking distance. There was a story time, and Naisa wanted to be held the whole time because Memaw was there. But it was fun and I think Naisa would continue to enjoy it, and they have a "pre-literacy" room with toys and puzzles. I met a girl who was an au pair for tow little boys that I might get together with. I think the library thing might work out.
Yesterday we got Naisa her potty and today we went for groceries. Mom went and got some Indian food and we had it for lunch. It was good! A nice change of pace.

I've been spending this week hanging out with mom, Naisa, Yonah (my nursing 'boss') and watching 7th heaven. HuluPlus has all eleven seasons, so I decided that I would purchase a month of Hulu plus and see how far we could get.

I like it because, unlike other TV shows, there is no marital infidelity, it doesn't scare or disturb me, I like the husband-wife relationship, it's like Gossip Girl with all the drama, but in a family setting (hahahahahahah). It's funny to me and makes the days go a little quicker until Ben comes home from work. :)

With Mom being here, I have had some of my people needs met, but I'm looking forward to gettting out of the house with both of the kids so that I can meet my extrovert sanity needs.

How was your week?

My Mommy Promise

I love you
I cherish you
I will keep you safe
I will protect you
I will keep you fed
I will keep you warm
I will let you nurse
I will help you sleep

I will take care of myself so I can take care of you
I love you

Today, You're Two!

Dear Naisa,

My sweet treasure, my princess

a little booger 

At this time two years ago I was at the birth center, pissed I had to sit still for my blood pressure, annoyed the birth tub was taking too long to be filled.

 The waves kept coming, intentional, rhythmic, louder, then softer
I moaned, screamed, pushed

And then you slipped out, with troll hair
Big eyes, mouth wide with the first cries
Letting me know you're alive

IT'S A GIRL!
A surprise we "knew" when we couldn't think of a boy name

Naisa

He lifts up, and carries away

God forgives

You were my reminder of redemption, a God who took me back, though the mess I am

What a journey the beginning was.
Learning what was wrong,
not fixing it,
and figuring another way
Your stubborn mama could put the milky treasure into your sweet body

Determined, I was.

Even when you slept through the night, I didn't sitting with my "oxygen tank", hunched over reading real food blogs and birth stories on the internet for half an hour in the dark hallway, the lit bathroom, and eventually the living room of our third apartment in a year of marriage.

Your drooly smiles took away my fears of being inadequate to myself
I loved the way you took it all in with your anime eyes
Pondering, carrying, loving.

Then you started walking
Messes began
We learned how to eat..and how to drop food on the floor.

mommy and daddy blew out one candle for you
And you ate your coconut flour cupcake

teddy, belly button, baby, all pronounced "daddy"

playing with Lily. in and out of cabinets
and the diaper bag
in the racecar cart at food lion
giggling down the aisles
and playing in the pool

playing with McKenny
and his push car

watching Mommy's belly grow and trying to make yours bigger in your reflection on the oven.

requesting to do "dups" in the sink, pulling the chair over

eating yummy pizza made by mommy.
loving roast chicken and salmon.
becoming addicted to smoothies every day for breakfast.

learning what a mess was,
never letting Mommy forget.

bus, truck, car, flower, food "ion",

developing an identity and a temper
Positively benefiting from quiet time in your crib

Loving the time with TeeTee. Playing, Food Lion, running down the hall. Going on walks to EMU and up the Summit Ave hill!
(after Yonah was born, we went for a walk to water plants and we needed to go to Summit Ave (aka a very steep annoying hill). Marie (TeeTee) pushed the stroller and I carried Yonah. We made it to the road that was a block lower than Summit, but still had to climb the hill. But instead of walking on the road, we chose the shorter, steeper route (the kind where you will reach another cardio threshold afteward), and I hike up, arriving first because my load was lighter. We passed a house as we reached the road and there was a woman outside working. We had made eye contact so I told her, "We wanted to go the hard way! My sister is coming with the stroller!"
Confused, she replied, "How did you lose the stroller?"
I had forgotten to mention there was a little person in the stroller. 
She had assumed we'd lost control of the stroller and it had careened down the steep hill.
Marie and I laughed hysterically about that afterward. )

Meeting "baby Onah" in the morning after Mommy and Daddy's "date night"

Dropping a cup on his head.

Watching Mommy "baby, mouth, breast, nana"
and also pump.
"Yonah bottle?"

Mommy being able to say, "Yonah doesn't need a bottle anymore."

Waiting until Mommy put Yonah down for a nap to ask to be "up".

patiently watching your "nap" get packed up and set up again and again
transitioning here

and two.

we love you Naisa Fern 

Riding in the car with mommy

Napping on Mommy

Not everything is happy slappy

Lovely with Daddy

baby bathtime

Holding baby brother

New glasses at Yonah's baby shower!

Trying out Mommy's version of feeding the baby

Naisa's "selfie"

Lots of attitude (and laundry!)

walking on her first birthday

playing with Daddy on vacation

playing with Lily outside

Joyous 8-9months old

1st birthday

a glimpse after a nap

a not so exciting day in the life of Grace

It is now 2:35 pm and Naisa is fussing herself awake from her nap. yay
not.

Yonah, fell asleep so beautifully ten minutes ago snuggle-nursing is occasionally murmuring, but mayhave fallen asleep.

But not if this screaming continues...

but if I get her she'll still be fussy.
Or not. Those are the options.

I guess I'll take the chance. I NEED a sleeping baby!

the routine that follows is to throw everything out of the bed. And if she doesn't do it (and name each thing), I have to.

Now she's bringing everything into the living room.

and fussing.
And it's only for that nasty loved blanket, nana.


My dad is arriving in a little over an hour. I hope we all survive.

TIME TO EAT, NAISA!

Sometimes Life Throws You Screaming Toddlers.

I have to keep reminding myself that I can't do everything on my own.
Sometimes I forget.
And Naisa reminds me.

In a busy market surrounded by hundreds of people,
who don't completely understand.

Why is that toddler crying in the middle of the aisle by herself? "Whose child is that?"

Oh, that's my child. The one who is too stubborn to stand up and walk by herself and can't remember that Mommy is already carrying her brother in a carrier and the soap she bought and the coffee that the sympathizing woman (THANK YOU) purchased for her.

Sometimes na-nuh (the blanket) is dropped out of her hands on purpose and we need to cry about it a couple of minutes before we realize that we can pick it up and move on.

Sometimes we need to do it several times.

Someone offered to carry her for me to my car. But I said it was okay--I thought she would get her act together and stand up and walk and hold my hand and listen to mommy. But she was tired, and a runny nose had started yesterday and clogged last night and she had already had several fits.

I knew Naisa was too far gone when another toddler came up to her and asked her what happened and tried to help her up. That's when I started tearing up.

And again when she refused to stand up and only wanted to be held by Mommy as a very helpful young lady offered to carry her to my car. Naisa wrestled herself out of her arms, SCREAMING bloody murder for na-nuh (who was in her arms) and mommy (who was right next to her). Then the kind coffee lady held my wallet and purchases and walked them to the car.

And then Yonah started screaming as we drove off and fell asleep in the carrier because I couldn't wait any longer to leave before I would lose it. He fell asleep by the time we were on Wolfe street, but I could feel the adrenaline pulsing through my body, begging time to arrive us at home so I could slow down my mind again.

But I didn't get mad. I didn't angry-lose it.

But I did just finish a small bowl of very sweet chocolate chips.
And now I am tired.

Naisa wanted to go outside and I hadn't taken her with me yesterday so I determined that she could come.
I thought about bringing her back inside after it took me fifteen minutes to put the car seats for both children in the car, but she was outside and I didn't want her to have loud fits at home because Ben was sleeping and Grandma had already helped in so many ways.
So I brought her along.
But I didn't have to.

I didn't realize how tired I was until we were surrounded by people and my screaming daughter would not be consoled by anyone but me.

Let this be a reminder for me that I am allowed to make things easier for myself. I do not need to be a people pleaser. I can ask for help.

What's your story? Have you been there? 

We love liver! (And why organ meats should be a part of your regular diet!)

When my mother got a quarter of a cow in northwest Ohio this summer, I asked her to get me a couple special extras. First: LOTS of bones for making broth!! Second: Liver, sweet breads, and I think I asked for a package of brains (It's a delicacy in France!).

via thepaleohygenist.com

This week, I've at my grandparent's house because Ben is away in Lynchburg for training, and I brought up how I wasted to have liver again, and lo and behold, it made an appearance in the menu last night, with creamy mashed potatoes. Naisa, unbeknownst to her, thought it was chicken and ate a good amount without complaint (there was one bite that was too chewy that got spit out, but she was hungry and she ate it! MOMMY WIN!).

I love liver and eat it as often as I make it. Depending on the month, I might have it every week, or I might not have it at all. It just depends on if I'm up to the process! At our house, we thaw, then soak in lemon juice for a day, then cook it the next day. I usually pan fry it, dredged in flour with salt and pepper, and eat it with ketchup and onions, although for awhile I was having it with cold potatoes and yellow mustard, because that satisfied my fancy. When I was in my first trimester, though, I couldn't stand it (just like I couldn't handle fermented cod liver oil.. it was a texture thing.). So I did with out, though I tried several different times to consume it! (Or forced myself to consume it!)

I know what you are thinking.

EWWWWWWWWWW.

That's too bad, though, because the nutritional powerhouse of liver (and other organ meats) is the densest nutrition on the planet. Check out this link comparing fruit to beef liver. To have the same amount of vitamins as only four ounces of beef liver, one must eat 70.9 ounces of fruits (five pounds, anyone? ? )

If that's not enough to encourage you to discipline yourself to eat it, you can always take dessicated liver pills, so you don't have to taste it, but you get the benefits. But you do have to take a lot of them. But if you can't handle texture, I understand.

Grace... that organ filters toxins. So it must be full of them!! Why would you eat such a thing??

Actually, because the liver filters toxins, it doesn't actually contain them (except for the albeit tiny amount the animal may have been filtering at the time of death. But that is not a large amount at all). Animals that are healthy, spend their lives in the sun, outside, eating what God created them to eat will have healthy livers doing a great job of filtering out their toxins. Here's a great description of what the liver does with the toxins. Toxins are passed through the liver, and either sent to be stored in fat cells (another very important reason to eat animals that live happy lives on green pastures!), or passed from the body through elimination (we all know what those are!)

What about cholesterol? I thought we're only supposed to eat a very tiny amount of that? Isn't liver full of cholesterol? 

Did you know that the human brain is mostly cholesterol? So, if we don't eat enough cholesterol, how do you think the brain is doing? (that' s my common sense approach). Also, there is a lot of cholesterol in breast milk for (you guessed it!) your growing baby's brain. Babies need cholesterol. Adults need cholesterol.
Here's a quote about cholesterol from the Weston A Price Website:

"Dietary cholesterol contributes to the strength of the intestinal wall and helps babies and children develop a healthy brain and nervous system. Foods that contain cholesterol also provide many other important nutrients. Only oxidized cholesterol, found in most powdered milk and powdered eggs, contributes to heart disease. Powdered milk is added to 1% and 2% milk." 

You know what we don't need? Trans fats. GMOs. Medicine to "level" our cholesterol levels. Contrary to popular belief (and Time magazine recently reported on this) saturated fat and cholesterol do not cause heart disease. It's the way that food is processed and convenienced and microwaved and ultra-heated and us eating it that causes the arteries to clog and the body to fail. May I even step out to say cholesterol IS ESSENTIAL. Don't put down that butter!

Cholesterol and saturated fat aren't destroying your arteries... eating industrialized oils (think canola, corn, cottonseed, and soy oils), processed grains (like white flour), and processed sugars (think sugar, high fructose corn syrup) cause insulin resistance (aka pre prediabetes), and lead to all sorts of other issues (nutrient deficiencies, sugar cravings, lots of abdominal fat, and eventually the hated heart disease,

Ok, but what about the large amounts of vitamin A in liver? Aren't large amounts of vitamin A toxic?

Liver has lots of Vitamin A (in combination with vitamin D and K2, it's so great for your immune system!) and you are right, too much vitamin A is toxic.. if it's synthetic. Read this section on the Weston A Price website, under the section Vitamin A Knavery.

Other organ meats provide other levels of nutrients and are just as good for you! Organ meats are noninflammatory, which helps level out the inflammatory effects of chronic consumption muscles meats :) (Don't worry: eggs, dairy, and bone broths are also noninflammatory!)

It's recommended by the Weston A Price Organization to eat some organ meats of a weekly basis (not much, though! Just a couple ounces!)

Liver truly is nature's multivitamin.

Do you include organ meats in your diet? Would you be willing to try?

Why we drink Raw milk (And you should too!)

http://www.examiner.com/article/happy-cows-an-illusion

When Ben and I got married, we had stopped drinking dairy milk. I had been vegetarian for awhile (and then when I got pregnant I craved meat, so that stopped), and would drink soy milk (which I shudder about now. Here's why). But we decided to get almond milk and we enjoyed drinking that with our cereal (but I didn't think it was a good substitute in coffee! Nothing like good old cream for that!). We continued drinking almond milk for that and it was okay in smoothies too. We even experimented with making almond milk at home. (This is something I could keep doing. Here's a good recipe!)
But I couldn't kick cheese. There was one Sunday that I was craving cheese (while pregnant with Naisa) and our grocery store was only open a limited amount of time, and I made Ben come with me to get two 8oz blocks of cheese. I think one was pepper jack and one was cheddar. It was so good. :)

But we knew that dairy milk wasn't the best, because the cows weren't happy. Towards the end of my pregnancy I started researching vaccines and came across this article on The Healthy Home Economist. (However, we made the decision about vaccination based on our own experience with our daughter at her two month appointment.) Then life happened, a baby came and a couple months later, i found myself staring at the same website, thinking about homemade formula, as we were supplementing a small amount of formula with the pumped milk I was getting. I didn't like all the ingredients in the organic formula we were getting. As I did my research, it started looking like raw milk was something that everyone should be drinking, as long as it came from a cow receiving grass and sunshine and no antibiotics. These are the cows that don't get sick. Raw milk is a whole food, with all it's fat as nature intended, not like the fat free or even "whole" milk at the store. Raw milk isn't homogenized or pasteurized, contains all it's original enzymes and beneficial bacteria to help the body digest it.

If you are lactose intolerant, you may be able to drink raw milk because it naturally contains that enzyme lactase, to digest the lactose in the milk. It was contains that enzyme required to properly process the calcium in milk. This was the kicker for me. I wanted a food I knew I would absorb calcium from. My husband had seen the documentary forks over knives and they talk about how drinking too much (pasteurized) milk can cause a person to experience osteoporosis. Dr. Mercola also talks about this on his website. And the reason why is because the enzyme in milk that is needed to absorb the calcium is destroyed in the pasteurization process--even for low temp pasteurizing.

We found a farm nearby that had a herd share we could purchase, but it took my husband a visit to his nutritionist to believe that raw milk was good for you. And then we got it to drink, and to make Naisa's formula. Now it is a staple in our home and Naisa (mostly) and I drink it everyday. My husband can have some sometimes, but he still gets a little sensitive to it. (I think he should probably go on the GAPS diet. but that's another story).

But Grace, it's not safe! There could be listeria or e coli in there! First of all, that's not really an issue. Second of all, my friends, this is why you go to the farm you are purchasing from before you sign on and see the milking process, the storage units, the sanitation process. Ask what the cows are fed, how illnesses are treated. We did this, developed a wonderful relationship with our farmer, and learned a lot in the process. (And learned to make raw butter. :))

That, in a nutshell, is why we drink raw milk. For more information, and to find locations where you can purchase raw milk or herdshares, please view realmilk.com