ugh-liness in the world and where do you take your place?

I thought about cleaning the house for Christmas.
Then I sat down at the computer and thought about taking a nap, and went on Facebook and wrote a blog.

Is anyone else annoyed at social media and the way we are portrayed in general by social media.

I hate how the word 'porn' has become a normal word to describe things!

I hate how normalized it is about hard core sexuality is. People have become so graphic. On mainstream sites, you can find descriptions that are vulgar, demeaning, and normalized.

So sick of it.

I am also tired of how passive aggressive people are on Facebook. If you want to solve problems in the world, be the change. Get off the freaking computer and go do something meaningful.

Nobody ever wrote an article for news about how "such n such" meme made me go and save the world. I was tot's inspired by that, bruh.

Instead, they write any article that can get as many eyes as possible. Because views = money. That's why.

But, I hate to break it to you, money isn't going to solve your struggles or your pain.
Neither is power.

Only authentic love to others. if you have trouble understanding how to do authentic love, check out Jesus, he's a great example.

Hey everyone. If you want to see change in the world and you post about it on Facebook, get off Facebook, and go be who you are on Facebook for the world.

Deal with the grit in your teeth and the sand kicked in your face in real life, and love those people too.

The best way to bless someone is the show it to them, in real life.

The best way to see change in the world is the change yourself and grow into a different person than you once were.

in other thoughts, whether we like it or not, polarization is happening, and should be happening. We should not be lukewarm Christians trying to blend in to the sick, depraved culture that this world is now. We need to be the light, because, let's face it, the world is so FRICKIN DARK.

Blackout everywhere.

So be on the side where you know, without a doubt you are right. There shouldn't be any ifs.

I've been pro choice before, but there are "if's". Killing children for the convenience of others isn't right, period.

Nope. Na-nope. Don't interrupt. Nope.

Political views are personal, and thus, need to reflect my personal life.

This country, as a nation, is not a Christian nation. We want them to be, but they have been gone for awhile. So when our country makes decisions that are unChristian, the reason is clear. But if it is against what we personally believe, then we need to say it.

Don't be in the middle ground. Don't participate if you know it's wrong.

Be a light.

Being on the other side of the Christmas presents

Well it took three years... but we finally got our Christmas spirit on!

We have a tree. We have lights on the tree. I practiced and played "Have yourselve a Merry Little Christmas" for the Delp family gathering. It was great for me to stretch my piano muscles and lern something new that wasn't just something that I wrote.

We have a wreath that i created.

I made some chocolate.

And I did Christmas shopping for my kiddos.

We did stockings and the Dollar Tree served us well.

We got some nice toys that wer grown out of for Naisa.

We have gifts. They are wrapped. They will be under the tree. On Christmas morning. For kids to unwrap. and we are going to have stockings! And we are going to have hot chocolate and a yummy Christmas morning breakfast. :D

We are having a fantastic Christmas Eve dinner ! Thai coconut curry!! :D

Liver cleanse: Aftermath and how I feel

Yesterday (Wednesday) was the Flush (the toilet) day! Here's my thoughts!

Gallstones and Liver stones
At noon I felt the surges and right after mom's group, I had my first poo and I was surprised at the size of the stones! They were large! almost an inch in diameter, some of them. And then smaller. And so many! Between the several times I went to the bathroom I would say that I passed a hundred of them, many, many small stones, but also the larger ones. I don't think I would have been able to pass those without doing this cleanse, in which I used Livertrex to soften and start to dissolve the stones.

I am very thankful that I had this cleanse, because without it, I may have had to have my gallbladder removed.

Weight Loss:
Today I weighed myself and was down three pounds, putting me now at 190.8. This was a goal of mine, do be under 191 because we can get a discount on our health care sharing per month.

Energy:
I do feel I have more energy! Last night when I went to bed at 9 (and I got up before 6 that morning) I wasn't exhausted.

Adjusting back to the non-cleanse diet:
I'm going to be completely honest. I jumped right in to eating the things that I missed the most when i wasn't cleansing.
(Raw, grass-fed) Cow's milk? √
(homemade whole wheat) Bread? √
Cheese? √
(grass-fed) Steak? √

Don't worry! I also had veggies! and ate lighter at dinner.

Things I learned:
During the cleanse there were several times when I was hungry and I just didn't have the option to eat, or it was bed time and I couldn't eat more. So I just dealt with being hungry.
This was good for me. It is important to be able to be hungry sometimes and just exist with it.
It is now easier for me to be hungry and not feel urgency that I need to eat.

I also learned that five meals a day works pretty well for me. I don't feel as hungry and the smaller meals are manageable. And I think my stomach shrunk getting used to eating five meals.

Drinking the olive oil wasn't the hard part: keeping the olive oil down was.

It was very important to have the high-fat filling foods readily available for almost every meal (not breakfast). I had nuts mid-morning, an avocado with lunch, nuts mid afternoon, and another avocado with dinner. I would have had a lot more trouble if I couldn't have the fat.

Conclusion:
I feel better. I liked the cleanse overall, though there were occasional unpleasant things. The Roxy-powder was very effective, and I never felt dehydrated from it. The livertrex's taste was mild and tolerable and the acv and water tonic was very mild. The Epsom salts in water was very bitter, but it was only 8oz, so also tolerable. The olive oil was icky, but when drunk with orange juice as a chaser, it was just fine. This cleanse did not have any negative side-effects for me. My body feels better! Remember, I'm only 24 and I had lots of stones. Depending on your lifestyle, you may or may not have stones as well.

I highly recommend this cleanse for anyone thinking about it.

Would you do a liver cleanse? Do you think you could do it?

See my liver cleanse day 1-2 here.
See day 3-4 here.
See day 5 (flush day) here.

Liver cleanse: day 5 flush day

Day 5: Today is flush day! It's different because I don't have shorter times between meals, which is hard. It is also hard because my day started extra early! Ben's day begins an hour earlier so we got up at 5am. I was able to enjoy several hours of quiet time this morning, because they slept in until 8:30.

Here are some foodtos (see how I did that?) for visual effect!

breakfast: watermelon 

Foods I used in this cleanse (minus the dried apples in the back: watermelons, avocados, walnuts, olive oil

A sample lunch: 1 lb cauliflower, 4c kale, 3 garlic cloves, and one avocado (not pictured)

Cooked and mashed.

My flush day juice, pre juice!

Juice! Love the ginger! See my liver cleanse schedule on the fridge!

Juice enjoys the outdoors from afar.

So I have felt more hungry today because of the breaks between eating, but it's not the end of the world. Next is epsom salts at 6pm, for 'dinner'. (hahaha) then my late evening snack is olive oil and OJ. yum

I felt pretty weak in the morning, and frustrated when I was at the grocery store (though that is more from the grocery cart (do they EVER fix those???) or the toddler pressing hard against me saying "out" of the carrier.

I had two avocados with lemon for lunch, and then at three I made the juice seen in the picture. It kept me feeling full for three hours. . . and is the only thing I had until I did the oil chug.

I chugged the Epsom salt in water at 5:30. The technique for drinking things that are yucky is to do a deep inhale, then exhale and don't breathe while drinking. This is because you don't taste it as much when you aren't breathing. I only tasted the bitterness afterward. I took a video of that, but it is uneventful. 

The came 8pm. I was starting to over think it, so I just had to do it. The oil was slightly thicker than I anticipated, but I took a gulp of it then a big gulp of orange juice and I was back at neutral (not grossed out ready to vomit). I finished it, then lay on my side, and knew it was doing something in my liver because I could feel some discomfort.

Then I went to bed. I couldn't sleep because I was so nauseous (vomiting is, by the way,  a valid way to remove toxins). So I i threw up around ten, and then I slept much better. When I woke up before six and still felt generally unwell. So I had a cup of orange juice and took the last Oxy powder for the cleanse. I feel almost better, but the idea of olive oil makes me want to vomit.

today is literal flush day. Flush the toilet day! I will be removing toxins all day today and probably some tomorrow! Looking forward to it. 

See liver cleanse day 1-2 here!
See liver cleanse day 3-4 here!

Liver cleanse day 3 & 4

This liver cleanse is five days long, and today I begin the fifth day. Today is the day when I get to chug the olive oil, which I am (obviously) looking forward to like a trip to the zoo! (not)

Here's how Sunday (day #3) and Monday (day #4) went!

Sunday

Sunday morning began early: the oxypowder was working! At 4am, 6:45am, then 8am I was at the elimination station. As can be expected, I felt a good bit weaker today, and hungrier at other times.

I made do with the veggies allowed and made a tasty and filling mashed garlic, cauliflower, and kale "mashed potato", with an avocado. If I felt like perfection (and extra dishes to wash) I would have put it in the food processor until the kale was thoroughly incorporated. So naturally I used the hand masher and chewed my own kale. It was very, very filling! I couldn't finish it, and I typically I have a ravenous appetite. But as the cleanse has gone on, I have less and less of an appetite (could it be my food choices?? Perhaps!)

I did not feel too bad other than the weakness in the morning, but I did have a slight headache after my dinner juice. (My friend Shelah gave us a juicer to use, and I love having it around!) I used two beets with their greens, two carrots, at least six kale leaves (also from Shelah's garden!), and a lemon which I peeled, and also had an avocado (which I couldn't finish). It made 16 oz of juice. I was not hungry later that evening, but thirsty!

That evening, I had a mild headache for a small amount of time. I did not workout on this day. Not important info, but my caloric intake for this day was right around 1500 calories. This is very low for me (not too low, just lower).

I SO wanted to eat the dinner I made for the family, and the leftovers in the fridge!, but I didn't need them.

Monday
I felt incredulous that I have made it through to day #4. The first time I looked at the detox (I was still nursing Yonah at the time, and thus, eating very much, very often, I was having a hard time imagining myself making it through a cleanse with no meat and no grains. However, I learned this great phrase from a support group for T-tapp (the workout I do). It is to say to yourself, "Thank you for your opinion," after you have feelings of, "I don't wanna workout," or "It's too hard, I don't wanna do this cleanse." This has made a difference in my exercise and my food habits!

I had the early morning run to the pot and then three more throughout the day for a total of four total for day #4. I had incredible amounts of thirst today, so I was drinking the most of the ACV water today.

I had watermelon for breakfast, almonds for a snack, and did the mashed cauliflower again for lunch, and couldn't finish it again. I had a snack of walnuts, then for dinner I had an avocado and two cups of the mixed veggies my family had at dinner. It's not on the recommended veggie list (except carrots), but I have been so good, it was okay for me to have this little wiggle as I toe the line. I made my family freaking steak (from our grass fed quarter), so I deserve my mixed veggies....(what a rationalization.... ugh. I AM ALMOST DONE!)

(and just for reference, the diet plan on the instructions, although very specific about the veggies and foods you are supposed to eat, has a big gaping grey area between the rules of things you most definitely should not eat. So, for example, they say don't have cow's milk, but almond or hemp milk is ok during the cleanse, but no where in the daily plan of food does it give any room anywhere for hemp milk to be included. Ok, rabbit trail over.)

After dinner, besides getting over myself emotionally (wanting steak, wanting cheese, wanting beans and rice, wanting cow's milk, wanting chocolate, wanting ice cream... etc etc etc until the end of the food chain!), I started feeling a little more un well, slightly more nauseous than the night before, slightly more icky in the belly. I welcomed the bed time before nine.

In general, I have felt a little like I'm in a haze, more specifically, when I am doing something where I have to invest significant amounts of concentration (practicing a piano piece), and switching back and forth between the focusing on that and then (obviously) breaking up fights between my children and managing a couple situations at once.

Coming soon! How Tuesday's oil chugging goes! 

See how day 1 & 2 went right here.
See how day 5 (FLUSH DAY) went right here.

Liver cleanse, day 1-2

Many of you know that I had some gall bladder attacks for an extended period of time after Yonah was born. Thankfully they dwindled off and I didn't have to seek medical attention for my gall bladder. I reached my goal of nursing Yonah until he wanted to stop. He weaned himself at the end of October (16.5 months) and then I was home free to finally regulate my eating habits, jumpstart my weight loss, and the not so fun part: cleanse my gall bladder and liver. I was going to wait until after Christmas to do the cleanse, because it was going to be one of my christmas presents. Unfortunately, over thanksgiving, I had a familiar pain creep into my right side and I knew what it was: my gall bladder reminding me I needed to do some holiday cleaning. So I ordered the Liver Cleanse Kit from Global Healing Center on Black Friday (although I should have waited until Cyber Monday, because I could have saved $15), and it arrived on Friday.

Why I chose this cleanse: I wanted to follow a specific, doctor-created and doctor-recommended cleanse. This had specific directions for diet and had a colon cleansing component. I discovered this cleanse when I viewed the documentary series called "The Truth About Cancer", where this doctor was featured and he specifically discussed the tonic that he created that helped loosen and dissolve gall and liver stones as a part of a liver cleanse. Since I figured i needed all the help I could get, I decided that this was going to be the cleanse I was going to do. I read the directions and looked at the diet and decided that I was going to suck it up and do no dairy and no meat for five days. It also has a flushing component that was similar to over gallbladder cleanses I had read about.

http://www.globalhealingcenter.com/about/dr-group

The products I am using:

http://www.oxypowder.com/wp-content/themes/oxypowder/images/colon-cleanse-oxy-powder.jpg

OxyPowder: This is the colon cleanser: It loosens your stool and uses ozonated magnesium oxides to help dissolve the impacted stool that is residue on your colon. Most people have impacted stool on their colon unless they recently had a diarrhea virus. :P

http://www.globalhealingcenter.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/l/a/latero_temp.jpg

Latero Flora: This is the probiotic that you take at the same time as the Oxypowder. This bacteria repopulates your colon in a positive way while the Oxy Powder is dissolving your old crap. (hahaha)

Livertrex: this is the tonic I was excited about! These are the ingredients: the formula is called: Spagyrex® formula. It is made with vegetable glycerin, and the proprietary blend is this: Borotutu bark, Yellow dock (root), Dandelion (root), Chanca Piedra (herb), Chicory root, milk thistle (seed), turmeric (rhizome), peppermint leaf, fulvic acid. All ingredients are either organic or wildcrafted.

This is the diet:
I have a fruit breakfast, wait an hour, have the Livertrex in water, wait an hour, have acv water with nuts, wait an hour, have the Livertrex water, wait an hour, have a veggie lunch with acv water, wait an hour, have Livertrex water, wait an hour, have nuts and acv water, wait an hour, have Livertrex water, wait an hour and have veggie dinner with acv, then I take Oxy powder and LateroFlora before bed.

Now to how it is going!

Day 1 wasn't hard: I felt a little hungrier a the end of the day, but I just had some more nuts, as recommended and wasn't hungry at night.
Day 2: This day was harder. I did not feel too bad in the morning: I did a portion of a workout. I also had a slight headache in the morning that got more pointed after lunch and gained some nausea and smell sensitivity. This went away after about 20 minutes. At the end of the day I had a second loose poo and then felt worse then. I also had negative thoughts about the food I was eating while my family was having pasta in meat sauce for dinner. but I got over myself and didn't have any of it at all. I took the recommended amount of the Oxy Powder and Latero Flora before bed.

See how day 3 - 4 went here!
See how flush day (day 5) went here!

Liver cleanse prep

I have ordered the kit (from here.)
I picked a day to start: December 10 (It's not over Mom's group)

http://www.globalhealingcenter.com/liver-cleanse-kit.html

Now I have to prepare mentally.
No grains. No coffee. No cheese. No butter. No meat.

I am going to follow this cleanse (almost) to a T.
The only thing I plan to do differently is to supplement with Collagen Hydrosate, which has glycine (an amino acid that is very important to detoxification) throughout my days. This is animal protein and I feel decent about using it. I've also decided that bone broth is a great choice (as long as it's from the pasture chickens and beef and not from the turkey that we got for free).

This is a fruit (in the morning for breakfast), nut/seed, and vegetable fast.
I am to focus specifically on certain fruits, veggies, and nuts to achieve the best results.

In order to prepare for that, I have picked the fruit I will be consuming ahead of time, so that I can purchase them ahead of time.

Fruits recommended for breakfast:
Watermelon, papaya, kiwi, plum, pear, apple, cheers, figs, or grapefruit.

Not very many of those are in season right now. So I will probably get watermelons (from Costco) and grapefruits. You can eat as many as you want, so I will plan for two g-fruits or a quarter of a small watermelon (4 cups of fruit).

Then for lunch and dinner, you can have a veggie mix or soup from these veggies:
artichoke, asparagus, avocado, carrots, beets, broccoli, cabbage, kale, brussel sprouts, b, spinach, romaine lettuce, salad greens, onions, cauliflower.

I will be focusing on those that are in season (and are readily available).

Snack time can be a handful of nuts:
sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, walnuts, brazil nuts, almonds.

Since we have a bumper crop of walnuts from the trees around our apartment, I will be eating walnuts during this time.

I will be drinking water with the liver cleanse tincture, and also water with apple cider vinegar during this time, and also taking a probiotic and a ozonated magnesium oxide that will be gently cleansing my colon (it is very important to have an open passageway for the liver and gallbladder toxins to exit).

I am looking forward to this cleanse, which is five days long, and I will be updating as I go.

Thanksgiving

WE had a great Thanksgiving weekend!
I loved being able to spend thanksgiving in West Virginia with my family there, and also seeing the Engle grandparents in Harrisonburg.

Things I was thankful for this week:
A Delp thanksgiving gathering that had much less stress!
Lots of laughter and continuing to get to know them!
Braiding hair!
Lots of Laughter!
Being able to drink wine (for the first time, like, ever!)
Kids having a great time playing for hours with Ben's cousins and uncles and aunts.
Not having any struggles not eating dessert
Being able to continue my workouts.
Mom and Dad coming on Monday.
bringing Christmas carols for me to play on the piano
and a box full of elementary school memories.
and some beef to hold us over for our own quarter
Ben and I got to take two dates: a hike near the Susequehanna
and a coffee break in the morning.
We roasted our own turkey (given to us by our sweet landlord)
We drove out to West Virginia Thursday morning with no traffic or car issues
we weren't the last ones there. :P
Got to see Grandma and Dave and we were well appreciated.
Yonah loved Sarah and Matt's dogs (and Naisa tolerated them from someone's arms)
Naisa and Yonah got plenty of grandparent time
and Ben and I got to visit with family and have great conversation!
It was just enough, and then we left for Harrisonburg.
We ate dinner with Grandma and Grandpa and it was a simple Ethiopian. :)
Grandma knows me well.
We played ten thousand, and I won both games. . . I had a straight that came all the way around back to me. I had ginger tea and a back manipulation and my gall bladder felt better.
We had Ethiopian coffee and Mom and Dad were able to be there for that too.
I got to walk in the fresh air to Red Front and back with Yonah.
Our drive home was uneventful as well.
I finished up my prep for my study on the car ride.
Ben got rest and got up at nine yesterday morning.
I got to exercise in peace.
I cleaned some more interesting parts of the apartment (sorting clothes and cleaning the fridge)
The kids and I went outside even though it wasn't beautiful out: cloudy and an occasional drop of rain, and we still enjoyed being outside and breathed the fresh air.
Today we are planning on getting our tree.
I am pretty excited about the season.

I have exciting news

I have stats on my blog that tell me by which people read my blog and also from whereabouts they read.

This week, I noticed that I have a reader that is currently in Russia. 

I can no longer hold in my excitement!

Vladimir Putin is reading my blog!

I have no idea why, but it must be him. 

So thank you Vlad, for reading my blog. 

We go way back, to when you were in the KGB, and I was in... elementary school. Yes, those were the good old days. 

Putin and I on a recent endeavor (Oct 2015)

Create your own picture

We have so much in common. 

I too like to ride horses bareback while wearing trousers.

I too am not a gangster.

I too have unruly neighbors, 

but... ahh, Vlad, you do do things differently. I let my neighbors do their thing. 

But I'm glad that you find my insights so profound as to view my blog. That, *sniff*, means so much to me, my good friend.

Does my parenting give you ideas on how to do you job? I'm so glad it does!

Putin and baby Yonah. So sweet

Create your own picture

It's good to know that we rule our various territories with the same mind: I with my iron fist in this 1000 sqft apartment, and you with your iron fists, the expanse of Russia. 

I know you rejoiced when you read my daughter used the potty to poop for the first time. Thank you for relating to my family. 

Blessings to you, 

Sincerely, 

Grace, around.

My CIA operative position.

Create your own picture

i am american, but I am Christian and a song

I am an American and more increasingly I fear for the safety of my children in the world ahead. I'm a Christian and I think that refugees need to be welcomed. We need to trust God's word and God's will. God's word says to take care of the sojourners, the widows, and the orphans, and also to share Christ with them. If we don't we are cold hearted and selfish and fearful. God also has a will for our country. If we cannot be selfless and want to set up freaking internment camps, then I see American moving quickly down the totem pole.

It was  originally said that they found a Syrian passport next to one of the assailants. It was later said that they know that all the terrorists were European nationals, each who chose to become a member of ISIS and to massacre other people with their own lives.

Why do we fear refugees? Because of the unknown, that they could be terrorists. Because the media is scaring us. Why do we set prejudice upon these people? We are not allowed to cast a judgement on someone before we meet them! It is a sin to do that. God is shaking his head at this.

But at the same time, what the heck is going on in America? So much violence, so much hate. I am certainly frightened by his black lives matter movement, because it frames one race over another, with violence, just in case we didn't hear them the first time. As a woman of swiss and german descent, my families have never experienced slavery, and though my ancestors experienced persecution many, many generations ago, I still don't understand. (That's not something you keep bringing up, as Christians *should* rejoice at the option to suffer as Christ did.) Slavery was a wrong, and people still aren't over the injustices because they continued (and still continue). I understand the anger and the frustrations. But if we want every person to treat every other person equally, we have to treat every other person equally. Each person deserves the same. So I will give them the same.

As for persecution, I see it morphing in this country. People are killed for trivial things, or for nothing at all. I find myself paranoid in the grocery store. (not for persecution but for a random attack).

I am not afraid. I am not afraid.

But I am afraid for my children.

But then I remember to pray and to trust God. God is watching over each sweet baby. Even the ones struggling fleeing for Syria.

I wrote this little song on Yonah's first birthday. I want to teach it to the moms in my study group, and we can teach it to our kids and bless them with it.

Up and over, up and over, up and over
Jesus up and over me
Down and under, down and under, down and under
Satan down under my feet
Back, behind me, back, behind me, back behind me
Satan behind me fleein' me
Front and forward, front and forward, front and forward
Holy Spirit guiding me
All around me, all around me, all around me
I've got angels guarding me.




These posts are always processing, never my complete thoughts.

i am challenging myself, and if you see yourself challenged, ask the Holy Spirit if He wants to work change in you. Seek the Lord, and satan will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Why I am getting into the Christmas Spirit RIGHT NOW

Many of you remember that last year Ben and I were doing job training for Lifeway in Nashville, TN, while staying in an extended stay hotel (one room) during Thanksgiving and the beginning of November. Not only was there stress from the job itself (many of the managers that Ben was working under were going out of their way to try to get him to quit), but I was also stuck in a hotel room (with occasional walks outside when it was nice with the kids) with a five month old and a two year old. We watched lots of blues clues and backyardigens and I watched "the secret life of an american teenager" and listened to sermons. It was then still stressful when we moved to Pennsylvania and had to "camp" in our new apartment in December. We had none of our stuff, and I didn't feel the season at all. I really wanted to, but we didn't know if we were even going to be there very long.

This year, there is much rejoicing. Ben has moved on from his job at Lifeway, and has decided to accept another job that looks much more promising for his gifts and affirming him along the way and is more fiscally affordable for the long term.

So I am getting excited! We are going to get a potted tree that we can use in the apartment for Christmas smell, and to decorate with the kids (and also to purify the air in the apartment).
 I am going to make cinnamon ornaments with some of the moms from my moms Group and we're going to use those to decorate the tree as well and Ben and I are going to make some other ornaments.

We want to figure out an advent time each night with the kids to talk about the coming of Christ and I'm really looking forward to going to Christmas eve service. I'm just really excited about Christmas this year!!

We are also going to spend some parts of Thanksgiving with the Engle family which we haven't done in four years. It'S going to be fun also be different because this past year two family members have passed away and so it will be different and I hope good time I'm looking forward to seeing my family in West Virginia and Virginia.

Working on me (song)

This song I felt like I needed to write something about God still working on even though I'm Christian, and have been Christian for a long time we continue to grow and we can need to be students and children in Christ and not mature until until we die. The name Christian is so much more than a name. We are followers of Christ and need to be humble enough to call ourselves that.

Christians are slandered in media as being idiots and being intolerable and being hypocrites. Because of that, we still need to keep working on being humble and showing people Christ. we are not Christ! we are humans: we are sinful people and we do not show Christ by living by ourselves without Listening to God. We need to listen to God because God will guide our actions and our thoughts and our hearts. If we do not have God guiding our actions and our thoughts and our hearts we are just like atheists even if we call ourselves Christians.

So the song begins with me having trouble spending time in the word but knowing God is still working and me even though I can't spend as much time as I would like or as much time as I should with him.

This is busy
something to do every second
pulling me away from your grace
it's a struggle
maintaining endurance
when every movement is distracted
from your Holiness

So take this moment
breathe in you
this love surrounding
is enough to keep

Holding onto you
even when what you say isn't breaking through
I know your way is truth
when I can't understand
all the things you are doing
 you hold onto me
you are everything
even when I can't see
you are still
still working on me

I'm too busy
too much information
clogging up my focus
should be on you
your beauty
meditating on you
every movement an opportunity to see you

There is no one like you Jesus
 there is no one else who can lead us
 your grace was given to us
your grace has made us free

We have the love of Christ! New song

I wrote this song when I was thinking about how nothing separate us from the love of Christ and I really like that verse and I just felt like I needed to write a song about it that's how it works for me.

So here's the song:

Shall hardship or trouble
persecution or famine
separate us from your love?
Shall shamefulness or danger
or death by the sword
separate us from your love?

We are more than conquerors of the things! (yes we are)
we are more than conquerors with your love
with your love

Shall death or life
or angels or demons
separate us from your love?
shall Government between us
or heights and depths beneath us
separate us from your love?

We have the love of Christ!
conquer of death
creator of life
he has already won what we're fighting!
we have the love of Christ!
 redeeming me from the worst I've been
he has calmed the storms of my soul

Nothing can separate us
we have the love of Christ!

I'm not who I was

This is a song that I wrote a couple of weeks ago and every time I sing it, it has so much meaning for me: about how much I've grown in my Faith and grown and who I am in comparison to who I was years ago and that's why want to share it with you.

I'm not who I was I am new in you
 I'm not who I was I'm defined by you

My heart has changed
I have gained
you, my Jesus
no more guilty spaces
I am fully whole
and you my Jesus

I'm not who I was I'm new in you
I'm not who I was I'm defined by you

No longer broken
I am found in the arms of Christ
I am a child of God
filled up with your love overflowing

I can leave behind this shadow
for Christ has won this battle
my sin demolished
 Satan vanquished
 Christ has the victory!!

I'm not who I was
I'm new you
I'm not who I was
I'm defined by you

how to deal with inequality

the only way to change how other people view human life is to view all human life the same.

Always look at both perspectives.

Always grieve pain, especially pain of others. Do not become callous.

Uphold your promises, teach for growth, bless everyone, not just the ones who bless you.

Let others bless you.

let money be a tool not a goal.

Stop judging. Both sides. STOP JUDGING.

Look for full context.

Give love.

November: update of sorts

It's amazing the personalities that are coming forth from my kids!

Yonah listens. That's a contrast from Naisa. He picks up the food he throws on the floor (when I ask him to), he throws his diaper away, he picks up toys.

Naisa asks for "black" beans -specifically-, for dinner. Then she refuses to swallow, chewing the same bite for an hour and a half, before we force her to go to bed with a spanking.

At least she is pooping in the potty (a couple times a day!) now.

We finally have bananas in the house again, so we can feed the children on command and not have to prepare something for every snack time. I get exhausted from that. Especially when snack time is an hour after a meal.

Ben has accepted a sales position at a local small printing company about an house from our apartment. We are looking forward to it (The employers are especially! Exclamation points in the emails and a phone call the next morning ready to get things set up (does he want to have an email that says "ben" or "Benjamen"? Does he want to have a company car (YESYEYSYES) or use his own vehicle)

The first day he starts there is also a Christmas party which we are going to attend. I am very excited, because I think this is going to be a really good fit!

Ben recently had a minor surgery to cut out a sebaceous cyst out of his side, and we are still recovering from the bills that are being sent our way (and Ben is healing fine). It is also good that the hospital that was used has a financial assistance program, even for people who are well above the poverty line!

We also decided on a new health sharing insurance, called Medi-share, through mychristiancare.org. It is for Ben and I because the children are still eligible for the State assistance.

I am excited for the Christmas season!!

I am a super-empathizer

I was reading my Facebook feed. Videos and articles pop up about death, injury, pain and suffering, especially in children. I can't read them. I can't even look at them. I feel it. I feel it in my whole body and I have to move on.

I cannot read the news. I cannot listen to videos. I put myself in their positions.
What if? What if? What if? How can anyone TAKE IT??

I don't want to push away the validity of the things that happen. But I do--I push away the pain before I experience the pain that other people have surrounding them.

I hate it because when I see a video of a Syrian baby looking at a large photo of his daddy that was killed, I lose it. I imagine my children without parents. I imagine myself without a husband. I imagine myself without my children. I take steps back. I get off the Internet. I get out of my head.

I don't want to think about the possibility of something like that happening to me.

But I know eventually there will be people close to me in my family who die. And I will have to mourn them. And I'm sure it will all be different than the projected suffering I have in my head.

But since I cannot avoid any of it. I just pray the Lord give me peace in whatever situation I find myself in. And the knowledge that I will see them in heaven.

Current dietary choices: detoxify with food

This all started when I started drinking diet soda. I was in middle school, doing Weightwatchers, so I wanted to enjoy soda like everyone else (when at events) and so I started drinking it. And I didn't stop completely until 2013. And in between, especially in the last two years of high school and while I was at EMU, I drank a lot of soda. Sometimes two 20oz a day.

It is a bit concerning, considering that aspartame can reak havoc on the brain. I did not see any effects, besides headaches. I drank soda for the caffeine, for the taste, and for the fizzies. I have changed my ways majorly since then. I drink coffee now.

I never really had any problems from it, and I have always eaten pretty clean (aside from the soy consumption when I was vegetarian and vegan in 2010 and 2011). I always avoided most processed foods and cookies and things because of the calorie (and sugar) content.

So I was surprised when I started having gallbladder attacks after Yonah was born. At first they just felt like I needed to burp, that discomfort in the abdomen, but nothing would make it go away. Then the pain would spread and my back would hurt badly, from fifteen minutes to two hours. I couldn't sit still while it was happening and nothing seemed to help. Unfortunately, when I did go to the doctor about it, they were no help, because they thought it was muscular skeletal. I did some research my self and self-diagnosed. Thankfully (oh so thankfully), the gall bladder attacks stopped independently about two months after Yonah was born.

Because I was nursing Yonah at this point, I couldn't even think about detoxing. I wanted to, but dumping toxins into the blood stream while nursing a newborn is just not a good idea. Figuring that Yonah was going to nurse until he was two, I decided I needed to be patient until I would not be nutritionally needed by someone else.

Now, Yonah is sixteen months old and has weaned himself (besides the five minute nurse in the middle of the night) . I didn't think it would happen this early, but I guess it has.

Meanwhile, I started researching foods that assist the body with detoxing. There are a couple things I have been doing.

I started consuming more foods with probiotics. this is in part because I started feeling heaviness and discomfort in my abdomen after eating meat after taking antibiotics for strep throat at the end of September. I knew something needed to change, so I am eating a 1/2 cup of homemade milk kefir everyday wtih four tablespoons of flaxseed meal. And at lunch I have a cup of grated beets mixed with a 1/4 cup sauerkraut.

Milk kefir: it is 10x more probiotically potent than yogurt, and is known to specifically repopulate the gut, whereas Yogurt just helps with digestion.
Flaxseed: this is a powerful food--it has lots of Omega-3s (ALA), has a high fat and and fiber content. Flax oil in itself helps bring oxygen to your cells (which is anti-cancer, because cancer thrives in an anaerobic environment.
Beets: Beets are great for the liver. they help thin bile and are delicious
Sauerkarut: homemade probiotic that has detoxifying helpies in it because it is in the broccoli family.

of course, I'm also drinking a lot of water

Other things I do occasionally:
 oil pull 10-15 minutes a couple times a week.
 dry brush my skin before a shower a couple times a week.
apply magnesium oil a couple times a week.



I am thinking seriously of doing a liver cleanse and hoping to do an all vegetable week sometime soon. I have to get myself on board, of course!! :D

I miss Brookhaven: an ode to my birth experiences

It's been over a year since I was last at Brookhaven, the birthcenter where I gave birth to both Yonah and Naisa.

Just to clarify, I don't miss being pregnant. Not at this moment!

However, I do miss the welcome place to talk and talk and talk about my baby and my pregnancy and the openness to natural paradigms instead of mainstream.
I miss the nonjudgmental approach with which every issue was approached.
I loved how I looked forward to the visits instead of approaching appointments with anxiety.

I loved how labor was "chill" because I wanted it to be. No unnecessary exams, no constant monitoring, just me and my husband doing our thing until my water broke and things picked up. But then, it was only a Doppler checking heart rate. I pushed the baby out. I held my child when they were still beautifully covered with vernix and amniotic fluid. I got to sit in the tub as long as I wanted. The baby's cord could stay attached to the placenta as long as I liked.

There was always so much love from the midwives after the birth. They know it's hard. Not only have they been through hundreds of postpartum experiences with other women, these ladies have experienced it first hand with their own babies. They stopped by our home a couple extra times because baby had a little jaundice and I needed more observation on breastfeeding. They were just a text or phone call away all the time. Even after my six week postpartum, I could text them!

We (my husband and I) developed a real love and trust with our midwives at Brookhaven, and I am so blessed to have delivered with these ladies.

I held a robin in my hands this morning

The kids got up at 5:30 this morning.

5:30

AM

Am I glad I convinced my husband NOT to start watching Thor at 10pm?

Yes.

Oh Yes.

Our mornings start like they always do: I nurse the baby and get irritated when he decides it is time to talk and time to sleep. It didn't help that Naisa was ready to party when I went to get  Yonah.

Then everyone gets mad. Me, because I can't get more sleep. Naisa because she doesn't want to share her toys, Yonah because he doesn't get excacyly what he wants (oh the joys of communicating with a toddler).

The sun begins to rise and we open the curtains.

"Is it morning? Is it morning, Mom?"

YES. IT"S BEEN MORNING. YOU ARE SO VALIDATING, NAISA.

My sarcasm comes out a lot more with my Yes and No child.

As the morning goes, I get angry at adobe flash player for donating pop ups to my web browser and see to revise it with no luck.

The kids are still going strong. Singing and spinning around on the office chair.

I do a "dry run" on wedding hair.

I think I'll try again tomorrow. It's a little abstract.

I cannot find Naisa's new box of markers.

I give Naisa her birthday present from Anna. She enjoys the stamps. She uses the ink as a stamp (it's a circle!)


Then we hear a big thud on the window, and I see a feather float down.

A bird took a wrong turn, and in the morning light, perceived that our (very dirty window) was the entrance to greener pastures.

BAM!

I peer out the window to see if the bird is lying, dying on the porch. Instead I see a stunned robin. In my mind, I think it must be stunned and could go into shock, so out I go onto the porch. And then my assistants follow. and I pet the robin's back and it doesn't move. It's just breathing through it's beak and so I pick it up.

I sit down on the chair and wrap the hem of my shirt around it and make soothing noises (what can I say? I'm a mommy!) We sit for five minutes, and I comb through what I would do if it died, if it was injured, how would I care for it, or not, etc). And then it moves it's head, and i know the stunned period is over.

I open my fingers, and it flies away.

how precious it was

I'm sure that birds were created to survive crashes.

Then I dig Yonah out of the potting soil on the porch and send my reluctant three year old back inside.

And back to reality

the minute of calm of a strange life in my hands
a connection just for a second
disconnected from normal

There it was

Naisa is now politely smothering her elephant and duck in the cloth diaper pile. "Ok, see you in a couple minutes!"