I'm not who I was

This is a song that I wrote a couple of weeks ago and every time I sing it, it has so much meaning for me: about how much I've grown in my Faith and grown and who I am in comparison to who I was years ago and that's why want to share it with you.

I'm not who I was I am new in you
 I'm not who I was I'm defined by you

My heart has changed
I have gained
you, my Jesus
no more guilty spaces
I am fully whole
and you my Jesus

I'm not who I was I'm new in you
I'm not who I was I'm defined by you

No longer broken
I am found in the arms of Christ
I am a child of God
filled up with your love overflowing

I can leave behind this shadow
for Christ has won this battle
my sin demolished
 Satan vanquished
 Christ has the victory!!

I'm not who I was
I'm new you
I'm not who I was
I'm defined by you

how to deal with inequality

the only way to change how other people view human life is to view all human life the same.

Always look at both perspectives.

Always grieve pain, especially pain of others. Do not become callous.

Uphold your promises, teach for growth, bless everyone, not just the ones who bless you.

Let others bless you.

let money be a tool not a goal.

Stop judging. Both sides. STOP JUDGING.

Look for full context.

Give love.

November: update of sorts

It's amazing the personalities that are coming forth from my kids!

Yonah listens. That's a contrast from Naisa. He picks up the food he throws on the floor (when I ask him to), he throws his diaper away, he picks up toys.

Naisa asks for "black" beans -specifically-, for dinner. Then she refuses to swallow, chewing the same bite for an hour and a half, before we force her to go to bed with a spanking.

At least she is pooping in the potty (a couple times a day!) now.

We finally have bananas in the house again, so we can feed the children on command and not have to prepare something for every snack time. I get exhausted from that. Especially when snack time is an hour after a meal.

Ben has accepted a sales position at a local small printing company about an house from our apartment. We are looking forward to it (The employers are especially! Exclamation points in the emails and a phone call the next morning ready to get things set up (does he want to have an email that says "ben" or "Benjamen"? Does he want to have a company car (YESYEYSYES) or use his own vehicle)

The first day he starts there is also a Christmas party which we are going to attend. I am very excited, because I think this is going to be a really good fit!

Ben recently had a minor surgery to cut out a sebaceous cyst out of his side, and we are still recovering from the bills that are being sent our way (and Ben is healing fine). It is also good that the hospital that was used has a financial assistance program, even for people who are well above the poverty line!

We also decided on a new health sharing insurance, called Medi-share, through mychristiancare.org. It is for Ben and I because the children are still eligible for the State assistance.

I am excited for the Christmas season!!

I am a super-empathizer

I was reading my Facebook feed. Videos and articles pop up about death, injury, pain and suffering, especially in children. I can't read them. I can't even look at them. I feel it. I feel it in my whole body and I have to move on.

I cannot read the news. I cannot listen to videos. I put myself in their positions.
What if? What if? What if? How can anyone TAKE IT??

I don't want to push away the validity of the things that happen. But I do--I push away the pain before I experience the pain that other people have surrounding them.

I hate it because when I see a video of a Syrian baby looking at a large photo of his daddy that was killed, I lose it. I imagine my children without parents. I imagine myself without a husband. I imagine myself without my children. I take steps back. I get off the Internet. I get out of my head.

I don't want to think about the possibility of something like that happening to me.

But I know eventually there will be people close to me in my family who die. And I will have to mourn them. And I'm sure it will all be different than the projected suffering I have in my head.

But since I cannot avoid any of it. I just pray the Lord give me peace in whatever situation I find myself in. And the knowledge that I will see them in heaven.

Current dietary choices: detoxify with food

This all started when I started drinking diet soda. I was in middle school, doing Weightwatchers, so I wanted to enjoy soda like everyone else (when at events) and so I started drinking it. And I didn't stop completely until 2013. And in between, especially in the last two years of high school and while I was at EMU, I drank a lot of soda. Sometimes two 20oz a day.

It is a bit concerning, considering that aspartame can reak havoc on the brain. I did not see any effects, besides headaches. I drank soda for the caffeine, for the taste, and for the fizzies. I have changed my ways majorly since then. I drink coffee now.

I never really had any problems from it, and I have always eaten pretty clean (aside from the soy consumption when I was vegetarian and vegan in 2010 and 2011). I always avoided most processed foods and cookies and things because of the calorie (and sugar) content.

So I was surprised when I started having gallbladder attacks after Yonah was born. At first they just felt like I needed to burp, that discomfort in the abdomen, but nothing would make it go away. Then the pain would spread and my back would hurt badly, from fifteen minutes to two hours. I couldn't sit still while it was happening and nothing seemed to help. Unfortunately, when I did go to the doctor about it, they were no help, because they thought it was muscular skeletal. I did some research my self and self-diagnosed. Thankfully (oh so thankfully), the gall bladder attacks stopped independently about two months after Yonah was born.

Because I was nursing Yonah at this point, I couldn't even think about detoxing. I wanted to, but dumping toxins into the blood stream while nursing a newborn is just not a good idea. Figuring that Yonah was going to nurse until he was two, I decided I needed to be patient until I would not be nutritionally needed by someone else.

Now, Yonah is sixteen months old and has weaned himself (besides the five minute nurse in the middle of the night) . I didn't think it would happen this early, but I guess it has.

Meanwhile, I started researching foods that assist the body with detoxing. There are a couple things I have been doing.

I started consuming more foods with probiotics. this is in part because I started feeling heaviness and discomfort in my abdomen after eating meat after taking antibiotics for strep throat at the end of September. I knew something needed to change, so I am eating a 1/2 cup of homemade milk kefir everyday wtih four tablespoons of flaxseed meal. And at lunch I have a cup of grated beets mixed with a 1/4 cup sauerkraut.

Milk kefir: it is 10x more probiotically potent than yogurt, and is known to specifically repopulate the gut, whereas Yogurt just helps with digestion.
Flaxseed: this is a powerful food--it has lots of Omega-3s (ALA), has a high fat and and fiber content. Flax oil in itself helps bring oxygen to your cells (which is anti-cancer, because cancer thrives in an anaerobic environment.
Beets: Beets are great for the liver. they help thin bile and are delicious
Sauerkarut: homemade probiotic that has detoxifying helpies in it because it is in the broccoli family.

of course, I'm also drinking a lot of water

Other things I do occasionally:
 oil pull 10-15 minutes a couple times a week.
 dry brush my skin before a shower a couple times a week.
apply magnesium oil a couple times a week.



I am thinking seriously of doing a liver cleanse and hoping to do an all vegetable week sometime soon. I have to get myself on board, of course!! :D

I miss Brookhaven: an ode to my birth experiences

It's been over a year since I was last at Brookhaven, the birthcenter where I gave birth to both Yonah and Naisa.

Just to clarify, I don't miss being pregnant. Not at this moment!

However, I do miss the welcome place to talk and talk and talk about my baby and my pregnancy and the openness to natural paradigms instead of mainstream.
I miss the nonjudgmental approach with which every issue was approached.
I loved how I looked forward to the visits instead of approaching appointments with anxiety.

I loved how labor was "chill" because I wanted it to be. No unnecessary exams, no constant monitoring, just me and my husband doing our thing until my water broke and things picked up. But then, it was only a Doppler checking heart rate. I pushed the baby out. I held my child when they were still beautifully covered with vernix and amniotic fluid. I got to sit in the tub as long as I wanted. The baby's cord could stay attached to the placenta as long as I liked.

There was always so much love from the midwives after the birth. They know it's hard. Not only have they been through hundreds of postpartum experiences with other women, these ladies have experienced it first hand with their own babies. They stopped by our home a couple extra times because baby had a little jaundice and I needed more observation on breastfeeding. They were just a text or phone call away all the time. Even after my six week postpartum, I could text them!

We (my husband and I) developed a real love and trust with our midwives at Brookhaven, and I am so blessed to have delivered with these ladies.

I held a robin in my hands this morning

The kids got up at 5:30 this morning.

5:30

AM

Am I glad I convinced my husband NOT to start watching Thor at 10pm?

Yes.

Oh Yes.

Our mornings start like they always do: I nurse the baby and get irritated when he decides it is time to talk and time to sleep. It didn't help that Naisa was ready to party when I went to get  Yonah.

Then everyone gets mad. Me, because I can't get more sleep. Naisa because she doesn't want to share her toys, Yonah because he doesn't get excacyly what he wants (oh the joys of communicating with a toddler).

The sun begins to rise and we open the curtains.

"Is it morning? Is it morning, Mom?"

YES. IT"S BEEN MORNING. YOU ARE SO VALIDATING, NAISA.

My sarcasm comes out a lot more with my Yes and No child.

As the morning goes, I get angry at adobe flash player for donating pop ups to my web browser and see to revise it with no luck.

The kids are still going strong. Singing and spinning around on the office chair.

I do a "dry run" on wedding hair.

I think I'll try again tomorrow. It's a little abstract.

I cannot find Naisa's new box of markers.

I give Naisa her birthday present from Anna. She enjoys the stamps. She uses the ink as a stamp (it's a circle!)


Then we hear a big thud on the window, and I see a feather float down.

A bird took a wrong turn, and in the morning light, perceived that our (very dirty window) was the entrance to greener pastures.

BAM!

I peer out the window to see if the bird is lying, dying on the porch. Instead I see a stunned robin. In my mind, I think it must be stunned and could go into shock, so out I go onto the porch. And then my assistants follow. and I pet the robin's back and it doesn't move. It's just breathing through it's beak and so I pick it up.

I sit down on the chair and wrap the hem of my shirt around it and make soothing noises (what can I say? I'm a mommy!) We sit for five minutes, and I comb through what I would do if it died, if it was injured, how would I care for it, or not, etc). And then it moves it's head, and i know the stunned period is over.

I open my fingers, and it flies away.

how precious it was

I'm sure that birds were created to survive crashes.

Then I dig Yonah out of the potting soil on the porch and send my reluctant three year old back inside.

And back to reality

the minute of calm of a strange life in my hands
a connection just for a second
disconnected from normal

There it was

Naisa is now politely smothering her elephant and duck in the cloth diaper pile. "Ok, see you in a couple minutes!"

Bed bugs...

Yesterday morning I woke up with the kids at 6:45 and I was itchy on my calves.
I looked at my leg and saw welts, and I knew.

http://www.newhealthguide.org/images/10408409/bed-bug-bites.jpg

There was a bed bug in our bed.

http://cchealth.org/bedbugs/img/bedbug_cycle_240_250.jpg

But how the heck did it get there?!?

I had a dozen bits on my legs, a couple in groupings and one line of three. But I had to be sure, so I looked for the other signs of bed bugs online (I used orkin.com--it's very informative and doesn't just try to sell their product).

Three main things:
Look for their poop: it looks like an ink stain on the sheet--it bleeds a little bit after it is dropped.

http://www.bedbuginfo.com/wp-content/uploads/images/bed-bug-with-bed-bug-feces-01.jpg

Look for skin casings or body parts of the bed bug (if you rolled and killed it in the night)

http://www.underpricedfurniture.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Cast-skin.jpg

Look for blood spots on the bed (from when they bit you.)

http://bedbugs.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/bed-bug-blood-stains.jpg

I found all three.

And then I was mad, because I could NOT figure out where we could have gotten one. Certainly not at my in-law's house, which looks like a model home at all times, and they are immaculate about cleaning (and even keep pillow and sheets in bags between uses).

However, you can get a transfer of a bed bug from someone getting getting into your car and then the bug getting transferred to you in the process. I have a theory though... we killed all the brown recluse spiders (which are hunting spiders), and now there's a bed bug in my bed! ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

Of course my husband never gets bit. (and I had ice cream before bed, so I'm sure it was very sweet blood), and he was sleeping late, so I got antsy about getting the bed worked on.

I stripped the blankets and sheets from the bed and put them in the washer on hot. As hot as you can get. Then you are supposed to put it in the dryer for a long hot time. We don't own a dryer, so I took everything out on the line until it was dry. I also washed all the clothes that we were wearing while we were sleeping.

http://www.kfir-madbir.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/tick2.jpg

While things were washing, I went and used the vacuum attachment around the bed frame. I didn't really feel like that did anything, so then I liberally applied essential oils (we use plant therapy organic lavender and organic tea tree oil) on our mattress pad. This was around noon. Our room smelled wonderful the entire day. These oils are supposed to repel them (my source is just a comment on someone else's bedbug blog, so really I'm not sure. But it smelled great!!).... I suppose it helps with the brown recluses too....

http://brownthumbmama.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/oilsOPT.jpg

We had a storm coming, so I watched the clock and the radar and ran out to get everything off the line when I had "three minutes until heavy rain and a thunderstorm", which actually danced around our area. so we got a quarter of the rain that accuweather said we were going to have. But the clouds were dark-dark! so I was hustling. But everything was dry, so I was impressed with how quick everything dried. And thankful. We did NOT need to figure out how to dry a twin and a queen size comforter inside our apartment.


So last night I did not get bit at all, and I think I might put lavender and tea tree oil (diluted in coconut oil) on my ankle points and behind my knees tonight and tomorrow night to avoid them.

I also read that the find their 'host' via the CO2 they exhale, so some people have had success with using "yeast traps" to catch bed bugs. I have not researched it yet, but it seemed a but more viable than purchasing dry ice to put under our bed.

I may have to try this method.

My kids are driving me crazy. So I will be going now.

Time at the in-laws and tornado dreams

We've been at my inlaws for the past five days.

I'm getting anxious about the food rotting in my kitchen. We were only supposed to be here a couple days and then go back home, but we had a wedding on Saturday and Ben had to get the oil changed on Monday and then they didn't want us to drive at night.

Anyway.

When we stay here, I actually feel like i have less me-time even though everyone takes turns watching the kids. It's a bigger place, so there are more things for them to get into, including toilet paper, pulling plugs, and coasters. And because there are other people around most of the time, I feel more self conscious about exercising, although I do do it anyway. But when you do a precocious exercise program (hello Jog Rocks!), you feel a little silly doing the movements in the middle of the living room while your father in law is watching the news on the TV in the kitchen. Luckily he does his own precocious exercises to strengthen his back for his work.

Last night, Yonah woke up at two thirty to nurse and then was moaning very loudly and not going back to sleep, so I could not sleep (he shares a room with Ben and I when we are here) and after forty minutes of him moaning and me attempting to rock him back to sleep and that not working, we came downstairs to have a snack and play a little bit. Then I nursed him again, and put him back to bed... by then it was four and I had realistic dreams about tornadoes hitting our apartment.

Oh the tornado dreams. Again and again they come. And I can never move fast enough (it's like walking through water when you try to run in your dreams) to get to the safe places that I have situated in my mind for when a tornado would come.

I can always see it in the distance and then I yell to who ever is in my dream (this time it was Harriet, my neighbor who lives below us) that I see a tornado and we need to get into the basement (which hypothetically exists, although I have never been down there... there is a door in the floor in the stoarage area that I know leads to somewhere. ... I need to get batteries for my headlamp and find out where!

And in my dream I felt the wind push me into a corner and then lift me up off the groundin the corner, and the whole time I was thinking, just don't take me away into the tornado!

And then the wind would subside and I would be on the ground again.

And then I would wake up.

I wonder about the re occurrence of the tornado dreams sometimes. Why is it the only natural disaster that happens in my dreams? I wasn't even thinking about tornadoes that day, so somewhere in my subconscious is this fear of tornadoes that comes up.

Interesting.

We finally came home, leaving around one and getting home around 2:30. I'm ready for routine at home again. And I had to throw out a pot of beans that I had set out to soak while we were gone because they sprouted and got moldy. And three eggplants, some chard, and some grains that had been in there too long. And the peppers that got moldy on the counter. But now all is (mostly) better.

I am done with my antibiotics now. So I really have to be intentional about getting probiotics in my system and taking immune supports this winter. Bring on the daily garlic!

A brief education on how the female body works

So this information is for those out there who were like me four years ago.... someone who knows exactly two things about the menustration cycle. I ovulated sometime when I didn't have a period and I could get pregnant if I was sexually active.

But, silly me, I knew nothing else. I tried the mini pill for one week and it left me (you guessed it) hormonal. I didn't want to be "PMS"ing all the time, so I quit and decided to figure out an alternative. I looked up the rhythm method. It sounded good, despite the fact that I had irregular periods and never knew exactly what day my period would come, it sounded perfect. So I tried that. And was I dreaming! And then I got pregnant.

And I learned all about pregnancy. Then I had a baby, knew all about babies, and didn't have a period for ten months.  That was nice.

I did research on family planning methods that did not involve hormones and decided that I was going to use temperatures and cervical mucus data to avoid pregnancy.

I got my first period successfully knowing when I ovulated.

And then I had a 67 day cycle. And we got pregnant again.

Now, obviously I am an "expert" on my pregnancies and on my babies, but had yet to conquer the avoidance of more of them. But I was determined.

So here's a simple education on the female cycle that is vital for both men and women to understand if you prefer no hormones or foreign objects in your body.

Cycles change, and there are lots of reasons why. 
Hormones, stress, the moon, the people you are living with, breastfeeding, hormonal birth control. These things throw your body off and cause anxiety or excitement about the possibility of pregnancy.

In you (or your female significant other)'s cycle there are two phases: the follicular and luteal phases. The follicular phase is the period of time when you start your period through when you ovulate and the luteal phase is the time period after ovulation through the first day of your period.

Ovulation is when the body releases a mature egg from an ovary and it goes through fallopian tube to the uterus. The egg survives 24 hours. If a sperm finds it before it dies, then you have an embryo that goes into the uterus and attaches itself to the cozy ready-made lining (aka period discharge) and grows a cute cuddly baby. 

http://cloudfront.mediamatters.org/static/images/item/prn-limbaugh-20130611-planbchart.jpg

The follicular phase is the part that varies due to situations listed above. However, you always have fourteen days after you ovulate (luteal phase) before your next period.  

During the follicular phase, the cervix is prepping for ovulation. After your period ends, the cervix begins creating copious (or small) amounts of mucus of various textures. It goes from creamy to very stretchy. The very stretchy (as in you can stretch it two inches) mucus is called (for lack of a better term) egg white mucus. This is considered fertile mucus and can shelter sperm.

A note on sperm: sperm, in hostile conditions (aka post ovulation), live only 24 hours, but sperm in ideal conditions (egg white mucus) can live for 5 days. Five days. That's more than half a week. 

So this is all scary and it seems inevitable to get pregnant if you don't want to touch your mucus (and who does?)

Your body temperatures change during the phases.  When you wake up in the morning, before any hot beverages, you take your temperature for five minutes (leave it in after it beeps). This temperatue is your body's baseline temp. Depending where you are in your cycle it's higher or lower. 

In the follicular phase, your temp is lower. For example, mine is 97.5 -97.7 (F). 

Once you ovulate, your body temperature jumps at least .3 of a degree. Mine jumps to 98.3-98.6. 
 During this phase, I always feel warmer than everyone else. And when the week before my period happens, I drink red raspberry leaf tea to negate rash behavior on my part (haha).

Here is an example of someone's temperature on a chart.

http://thegiftoflife.info/Images/Images/nfphormonegraph.jpg

What's so great about this??
 1. I always know when my period is coming (I just look on my calendar two weeks from when I ovulated, and also my temperature drops)
2. I understand my body and what's happening and so when we are ready for another baby, it will be simpler to "plan". 
3. I do not have to ingest any hormones (and their side effects) and our birth control budget is minimal (just barrier control during the fertile pre-ovulation periods)


 



 

 

overcoming the fears of the what ifs

I'm back on facebook.

But getting back on facebook means I see things I don't always want to see.

I follow a page called Stories Untold about sexual abuse survivors. This topic has always striked a chord in my heart, but the most recent post has made me rethink whether or not to continue to follow.

I am a mother so I always have a part of my mind preparing for the worst situation. How to get out, what we need, how do I protect?

So when I read a story about a four year old getting sexually abused at a birthday party by the host's father, I get anxious.

THere are so many unknowns in this situation. No one could have known that was going to happen. It makes me want to stay by my own children at all times. It is a fear inducer, but it is also a great reminder to be very knowledgeable about the people that we allow near our chidren.

The solution to my fear is to build relationships with people and observe them. Watch how they interact with other kids, watch how they interact with my child. Prepare my child. Protect by preparing.

And number one: pray. Pray for safety in the future. and trust God to show how to protect and provide safety in every situation.

The Mental Process of a Crunchy Mom taking Antibiotics

Early Friday morning I got a sore throat. A bad sore throat. One that made swallowing an unfortunate situation that I would avoid like the plague (haha, irony) and would cause me to have a mouth full of spit when I did, and I would wince every time.

I knew it was worse than the sore throat I get before a cold because it was. And it was weird. Only on one side, and I could feel it hurting in my ear, which was bizarre. Typical response for me at this point is to get going on my natural remedies to see if I can make a dent on the fever.

Epsom salt baths: check
garlic and honey: check
vitamin C: check
hot tea: check
gargle with salt water and apple cider vinegar: check
make disgusting combination of cayenne pepper, garlic, and honey, chased with milk kefir (which, also, I hate): check
rinse repeat.

Friday afternoon I recognise that the body temp has gone up and the sore throat has stayed the same and I have almost no appetite. I stand on a stool in front of the bathroom mirror. I point a flashlight into my mouth and flatten my tongue with a table knife (we have no popsicle sticks in the house.) At first I do not see anything, but, when my tonsil peeks out from the left side I see white spots. Crap.

I google white spots. I must know if they are exclusive to strep. I call my mother and discuss my options. Ben does not work the next few days so I have flexibility on getting a doctor's appointment or urgent care. I call the doctor on my insuranee card and find out they aren't accepting new patients on my insurance anymore.

Ben gets home from work and I stubbornly choose to wait until Saturday, thinking the pain will subside. I wince through dinner. We had chicken and broth. The broth tasted great but did not swallow well. I was still a little hungry but did not want to swallow anymore.

When I went to bed I took a Ricola and sucked on it until i realized I would have to swallow much more often than without so I took it out and attempted to sleep. Sleep was on and off, and it was clear to me that I should have allowed myself the time to go to the Patient first that night rather than in the morning.

Saturday morning rolls around... at 5am. I can't sleep because of my pain so I attempt all my remedies again. Epsom salt bath to work the fever along, gargles to help the tonsils, vitamin C in a fultile attempt, forcing the garlic down. I finally get back to bed at 6:40 and my precious children let me sleep until 7:50am. What a gift. Then the morning sucks because it hurts to swallow my spit and my tonsils have swelled so I can hear it in my voice and I know that a visit to urgent care is necessary.

I watch the Tonight show.

When it is 9am I get Ben up and then I leave for Lancaster. On my way i see a "papal event traffic, expect regional delays" sign and giggle to myself, thinking that the pope is still in NYC and they think he's going to cause traffic in Lancaster County. (I later learn that he's in Philly for the end of his US visit.)

I find the urgent care without any trouble and sign in and am immediately called back. I feel good about myself when I step on the scale and the nurse assumes I weigh under 200 pounds... which I don't, especially with breakfast and liquids in my belly and shoes and jeans on.  I see later on my stat sheet that I am five seven (haha!), and then I remembered I was wearing my shoes. The nurse does a quick throat swab and then the longest part of waiting for the day begins. And I hear the casual conversation between the employees there: Some new person is still learning how to correctly stock the drawers, the prescription printer is not working so the pharmacist has to hand write the prescriptions.

I wait for awhile, I read all the brochures in the "room", I half watch some of the employees and spot the doctor right away (he looks exactly the same as his picture on the website). I wonder if any of them know what the pope is doing. I text my mother, Ben, and a lady from my moms group who just ran a half marathon. I get lots of text from my mother in law, as they are coming for Naisa's third birthday on Monday. I hope the kids don't get sick.

Then the doctor comes in, Dr. Weinstein. He asks me what I do when I'm not fighting sore throats, and I tell him of the heroic work I do. (hahaha) He checks my throat and and says, "well you've cured the white spots, but I'm going to let the cat out of the bag--you have strep." So he prescribes the Amoxicillin, and after asking if it's severe pain swallowing, also prescribes some lidocaine that I can gargle with to numb my throat. (Winner winner chicken dinner!!)

As I drive home, I have a discussion with myself about what I want to do. I didn't like the ingredients in the throat squirt (saccharin and artificial cherry flavor, and parabens as preservatives) so I decide that I'm only going to use it if I can't sleep. And I resign to taking the antibiotics.

After a couple more painful swallows, I test out the "gargle". First time, I numb my lips, second time I numb my tongue. Third time, I put it in a spray bottle with water and successfully dull the pain in my throat. And after that time, I start feeling better, so I no longer need to use it.

Anyone who viewed my internet history would know that (besides the current presidential candidates), I spend a lot of time learning what natural remedies I can use to help myself and my children through illnesses. But I always knew that strep was one of those that I can't completely justify "fighting" it off. Viral illnesses, I have no problem with. Bacterial illnesses are much more difficult, especially those that the end product goes to infect your kidneys and organ systems, scarlett fever, and in a few individuals, damaging your heart. And knowing my track record or maintaining a sterile environment in our home (ah no), I did not want to infect my children and have to get them antibiotics as well.


So here's to a healthy throat, then I'll worry about getting a healthy gut again. I have lots of probiotic foods to consume with jest in the next couple weeks (beet kvass, milk kefir, sauerkraut, yogurt).

I'm glad to not have glass stabbing my throat any more.

Yonah's sayings (!!)

As a fifteen month old, I didn't expect him to be so communicating. But during the day, I hear lots of phrases:

I want that ( ioo wan dah)
What's that? (wah da?)
Where is it? (where da?)
Bye Daddy (With a wave) (bye da)
toothbrush (too bra)
door (doo)
window (we do)
up (he's got this one down)
I want some (ah wan some) He brought me an empty bunny graham package and said this to me)
yeah 
cup (dup)
bubba 
dada
dogga
nurse (durse)

Boppa :D
and he kinda says grandma and grandpa, although I've never referred to my parents or Ben's parents as that.

He does lots of pointing and there's lots of nonsense language as well.

We always know when he likes something: he inhales (loudly) and then says something like "googy googy googy googy"

Of course everything is hard to understand.

He's getting to be such a big boy!

The path from complacency to rightness with God

Once in a while, I go through a season that has periods where I seek out things that do not satisfy.

My personal issue was using facebook, specifically, reading through the newsfeed forever, instead of doing other necessary important things.

I knew I was doing it. I knew I needed to change. Yet I was comfortable with where I was. Yet I was unsatisfied. A day would end with feelings of "that was a waste of time" "I need a better way to spend my time" and "I'll try to find it tomorrow."

And I knew that spending time with God was the way to feel satisfied and peaceful about my day, rather than anxious and like I wasted my time doing meaningless things.

But spending time with God, reading his word, and seeking to do his will is humbling. And it takes time, and discipline, most of all discipline, to keep the effort coming.


And the most often issue was that I forgot to do it the next morning. And when I remembered, I was too lazy to do it. And I didn't want to be humbled by my human-ness, and my need for God.
And the dialogue of me vs me goes:

But I need it! 
I need it 
I need it

And then I would ignore those needs, say to myself, I'll find something interesting to read soon, and would continue the complacent cycle.

Days when I spent my time doing this, I felt antsy. (I also feel antsy for other reasons, needing to get outside, needing to be in a different environment, etc, because that's what happens when you stay at home with your babies) I always would feel the boredom and feel like there was nothing to fill it.

One might call that apathy. I felt apathy to finding the solution to my need, though intellectually, I knew I needed to fill my spiritual voids.

what is there to do? What can i do to occupy my boredom. I'm so bored i'm so bored

But God I don't want to be humbled. 

I don't want to take the time. 
Something else is more important. 
I'm going to go find it! 

And on and on the cycle went. I knew what I needed to do, but I wouldn't do it.

Nothing else occupied my heart like you do Lord, but I'm certain i'll find something else.
But no movie.
No article
No news on a newsfeed is going to fill what you can fill, Lord.

But I don't want to give it up. I want to keep doing what I'm doing, certain it's going to satisfy this deepening hunger inside my soul for fulfillment.

But it won't. Not the conversation with a friend or family.

Not any person. Not any relationship (not even my husband), nor my children, can fill the need that I have in my heart for the Lord.

At the end of the complacent day my mouth is dry and parched from "eating" too much "carby junk".

I needed real food, pure milk. Deep satisfying spiritual fats and hardy high quality proteins to fill my stomach and heart with.

I needed to satisfy my craving with what my carving was: God.

I NEED YOUR WORD. I NEED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE. 

I knew I needed it and I gave in to my need and sought the Lord, and I feel so much more whole.

thoughts of thoughts

I often find myself sitting at the computer wondering what to do... since Facebook is not an option at the moment.

and I often hear a whiney voice behind me demanding things. Or someone screaming in the other room for committing offenses.

I am not spending a small amount of curiosity on 9-11, and reading a bit about it. I personally don't remember much other than the basics. four planes, four destinations.  I never watched the footage for a long period of time. A lot of people have come up with questions about eh events because there are so many questions not answered, either because it was a classified issue or just because we simply do not know, due to the mysterious nature created prior to smartphone videos of everything.

I recently raided a pile of Naisa's treasures including her "mail"--junk mail that was given to her as a toy, and three empty packets that once contained our vitamin powder (which was then poured into water), which she calls her "apple ciders" and sometimes "apple cider vinegar". So she's a little upset with me.

Ahh the battles of communication when there are not words yet in the vocabulary for it.

Recently both of the kids' water cups went into hiding. I found Naisa's, the pink one, in our bedroom, under our bed... obviously a drop off point for Yonah. But we still have yet to find his... probably hidden in a cabinet I don't normally open.

At least it only has water in it.

The hard mornings

Man, I get tired of Naisa not listening, screaming and crying and kicking the floor and
I am sick of it.

She is in her room now, mad that I put her in there to take a nape, because, dangit!, she needs it.

What a big turd.

I'm going to listen to a sermon now. and try to get a little more patience with everyone.

Oh The social worker in me is mixing with the mommy in me

I get updates about the Planned Parenthood videos that keep surfacing. It's a conservative voice, and I don't mind that. I watched the first few, but they started getting too gory, too close to home (being a mommy), and knowing that they were real real, it was too much for me, so I have applied censorship for sanity and refuse to watch anymore.

This update also held two video clips for women speaking to congress about abortion. They were survivors of abortion. These stories are horrific and heroic and heartbreaking and God-over-all-in-control situations.

It is amazing that people have such a drive to live even before we can remember it.

The thoughts that I have about this are many. I want to help. I want to take in the hurting person, show them a different way. I want to show them the joys of the swelling baby, ripe with child and then when they labor, be a wall they can lean on and gain strength from.

Then, if they still don't want to cherish that child in their own home, I want to adopt it, and take it into my home and be its mommy.

Don't be so desperate that you think that death will end the 'inconvenience' that you have begot!
Your heart will go on.
You will always remember.

And what about when the unwanted child stays in foster care or in an unwanted home for too long and become annoying and unruly?

I will pray for them. And I will love them. I will try to be patient with them. Nothing like genuine love for the child who is unwanted.

Nothing like it.

Let's show love.

Naisa's sayings

I'm sitting with Naisa, snuggling on the couch shortly after she wakes up, around 6:30am

She has a stuffy nose, because we all had/have colds his week.

"Can you hear my booger? My booger's in there making a lot of noise."

apparently her breathing is louder inside her head than usual!

The Memories the Crisp Air of Fall Brings to me

from my freshman year in high school: love for the blend of sweet ice cream music made in my heart, learning to know new people in marching band, falling in love very uncarefully. 

from my sophomore year of high school, love of soccer, feelings of desperation, unsettledness, unhappiness with where I was and where I thought i should be.

from my junior year joy, energy and motivation to try new things and to show myself I could do new things, flirtatiousness

from my senior year: love of music helping me process my life, dribbling soccer balls to deal with tension in my mind, soccer friends and the expectations I created for myself to do well, period. hoping for one thing, needing another, the complicated natures of being a friend of someone no longer a boy friend.

from my freshman year of college, exctiement of what could be, all the potential I could see in me, the monotony of how some classes turned out. Friendships of iron created. 

from my second year of college: more expectation of excellence, more friendships of iron. More hope for holding relationships together. Them falling apart, and holding onto the friendships of iron.

from my last year of college: love formed on my ring finger, working through engagement drama, beautiful smiles and kind eyes in the girls I lived with, running whenever I felt like it. 

from 2012: wide pregnant belly, the backyard of Evelyn's apartment, cool crisp air as I walked to EMU to see Bridgett, Madelyn, Melody, Meg, Bekah, Jamila. The people whose names I did not know coming up to me and asking about the baby in my belly. Feeling more distance from my friends. A baby being born in the water. Struggles and pain with feeding. Feelings of frustration, anger, depression with bottles, pumps, and social work degrees.

from 2013: feeling the first twinges of morning sickness for a new babe in my womb, watching Lily with Naisa, frequent trips to Food Lion, infrequent trips to EMU.

from 2014: being in Fredericksburg, VA. Staying in a bed n breakfast. Watching the entire series of 7th heaven. Not feeling connected to anyone. The day wrapped around the joy of seeing my husband come home from work. Struggling with transition

now: I have feelings of freedom. I have a nursing toddler. We have conquered that battle. We have a home with people we know and I have friends who care deeply for me and my family. I have mom friends in the same and different places on their journeys. I have a garden. I go outside. I feel the crisp cool breeze and feel content. I crave the pure spiritual milk of Scripture. I no longer have the unsettled stirrings of incertainty, of darkness looming in every picture, I accept my position and role because it now requires more than just feeding. I am building relationships with my children. I keep adding bricks to the house I'm building with Ben. I have space. I have messes that aren't the end of the world. I am putting food away for the winter. I feel the dirt of the earth in my hands, I have felt the life of animals close to me, treasuring their gentleness.  The worst of my battles are fading, and I am thoroughly enjoying my windows of eyes open. 

oh yeah

Mom + Cold =

Can't smell poopy diapers.