The path from complacency to rightness with God

Once in a while, I go through a season that has periods where I seek out things that do not satisfy.

My personal issue was using facebook, specifically, reading through the newsfeed forever, instead of doing other necessary important things.

I knew I was doing it. I knew I needed to change. Yet I was comfortable with where I was. Yet I was unsatisfied. A day would end with feelings of "that was a waste of time" "I need a better way to spend my time" and "I'll try to find it tomorrow."

And I knew that spending time with God was the way to feel satisfied and peaceful about my day, rather than anxious and like I wasted my time doing meaningless things.

But spending time with God, reading his word, and seeking to do his will is humbling. And it takes time, and discipline, most of all discipline, to keep the effort coming.


And the most often issue was that I forgot to do it the next morning. And when I remembered, I was too lazy to do it. And I didn't want to be humbled by my human-ness, and my need for God.
And the dialogue of me vs me goes:

But I need it! 
I need it 
I need it

And then I would ignore those needs, say to myself, I'll find something interesting to read soon, and would continue the complacent cycle.

Days when I spent my time doing this, I felt antsy. (I also feel antsy for other reasons, needing to get outside, needing to be in a different environment, etc, because that's what happens when you stay at home with your babies) I always would feel the boredom and feel like there was nothing to fill it.

One might call that apathy. I felt apathy to finding the solution to my need, though intellectually, I knew I needed to fill my spiritual voids.

what is there to do? What can i do to occupy my boredom. I'm so bored i'm so bored

But God I don't want to be humbled. 

I don't want to take the time. 
Something else is more important. 
I'm going to go find it! 

And on and on the cycle went. I knew what I needed to do, but I wouldn't do it.

Nothing else occupied my heart like you do Lord, but I'm certain i'll find something else.
But no movie.
No article
No news on a newsfeed is going to fill what you can fill, Lord.

But I don't want to give it up. I want to keep doing what I'm doing, certain it's going to satisfy this deepening hunger inside my soul for fulfillment.

But it won't. Not the conversation with a friend or family.

Not any person. Not any relationship (not even my husband), nor my children, can fill the need that I have in my heart for the Lord.

At the end of the complacent day my mouth is dry and parched from "eating" too much "carby junk".

I needed real food, pure milk. Deep satisfying spiritual fats and hardy high quality proteins to fill my stomach and heart with.

I needed to satisfy my craving with what my carving was: God.

I NEED YOUR WORD. I NEED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE. 

I knew I needed it and I gave in to my need and sought the Lord, and I feel so much more whole.