from my sophomore year of high school, love of soccer, feelings of desperation, unsettledness, unhappiness with where I was and where I thought i should be.
from my junior year joy, energy and motivation to try new things and to show myself I could do new things, flirtatiousness
from my senior year: love of music helping me process my life, dribbling soccer balls to deal with tension in my mind, soccer friends and the expectations I created for myself to do well, period. hoping for one thing, needing another, the complicated natures of being a friend of someone no longer a boy friend.
from my freshman year of college, exctiement of what could be, all the potential I could see in me, the monotony of how some classes turned out. Friendships of iron created.
from my second year of college: more expectation of excellence, more friendships of iron. More hope for holding relationships together. Them falling apart, and holding onto the friendships of iron.
from my last year of college: love formed on my ring finger, working through engagement drama, beautiful smiles and kind eyes in the girls I lived with, running whenever I felt like it.
from 2012: wide pregnant belly, the backyard of Evelyn's apartment, cool crisp air as I walked to EMU to see Bridgett, Madelyn, Melody, Meg, Bekah, Jamila. The people whose names I did not know coming up to me and asking about the baby in my belly. Feeling more distance from my friends. A baby being born in the water. Struggles and pain with feeding. Feelings of frustration, anger, depression with bottles, pumps, and social work degrees.
from 2013: feeling the first twinges of morning sickness for a new babe in my womb, watching Lily with Naisa, frequent trips to Food Lion, infrequent trips to EMU.
from 2014: being in Fredericksburg, VA. Staying in a bed n breakfast. Watching the entire series of 7th heaven. Not feeling connected to anyone. The day wrapped around the joy of seeing my husband come home from work. Struggling with transition
now: I have feelings of freedom. I have a nursing toddler. We have conquered that battle. We have a home with people we know and I have friends who care deeply for me and my family. I have mom friends in the same and different places on their journeys. I have a garden. I go outside. I feel the crisp cool breeze and feel content. I crave the pure spiritual milk of Scripture. I no longer have the unsettled stirrings of incertainty, of darkness looming in every picture, I accept my position and role because it now requires more than just feeding. I am building relationships with my children. I keep adding bricks to the house I'm building with Ben. I have space. I have messes that aren't the end of the world. I am putting food away for the winter. I feel the dirt of the earth in my hands, I have felt the life of animals close to me, treasuring their gentleness. The worst of my battles are fading, and I am thoroughly enjoying my windows of eyes open.
oh yeah
Beautiful! <3
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