Feminism and BeautyinGrace

Grace and Katherine, the beautiful feminists

Why feminism?

On Monday, I was sitting in Common Grounds with two couch-fulls of lovely ladies, and my friend Katherine, already declared, asked me if I was a feminist, and Mila also shared her tastefulness in the topic.

I gave quite the hesitation--I'm scared of stigma--then said, "Well, maybe."

Given looks of astonishment, I gave in, "Okay, yes, I am! I just don't like the stigma."

I then went on later to say, "You know, I think my dad is a feminist," because he's always been all about my sisters and I taking on whatever came our way.

The funny part is that I went on declaring it for the rest of the day, to anyone who I spoke to about political issues, or just in conversation with Bekah and Meg, later in the day.

Feminism and Beauty:

I think it's important to establish the connection between feminism and beauty. Feminism, with one of the ideas being to give women their rights, also asks for the right of women to define their own beauty. Thus, it is very important for me to define myself as a feminist. I declare that women's beauty is unique, not what oppressive media (and some men) make it to be, and that it doesn't need someone else to say anything for it to be beautiful. If the wind blows in the forest, but no one hears it, did it move through the forest?

Of course. Part of women being beautiful is that almost nothing needs to be said. Beauty exists in the existence of feminism, in the ideals, the attitudes, the confidence, and all of these aspects are beauty. Someone could be blind and deaf and still be completely beautiful, though no one would ever clarify it for them, as long as they believed it, it would be true. 

This comes to my own unique beauty. It's very important that I declare myself to be a feminist (partially because people already assumed it was so), and also because it declares that I am more radical than the beauty that society tries to claim of me. 

Today was a day to do gracebeauty, not societybeauty. So Grace brightened her eyes, braided her hair in a circle, and wore bunny slippers to class, even though it rained. 

Goal today: go run, because it makes me feel so much better than a compliment from a guy telling me that I'm completely beautiful. Running brings out a confidence of capable dreams, and endurance and possibilities. What's great is that today I also chose to wear sweats and a sports bra. And get my picture taken for the Shen (school yearbook). I care about my unique beauty that much. People who get that yearbook will remember me as the girl with the interesting slippers, the runner, the braided hair and the bright eyes. 

I am the Plant in the Room [Perfect (2)]

Grace + "Beauty"

Last year in the class Ruling Ideas, Dr. Judy Mullet talked about the connection between fundraising, and having a plant in the room. Studies show that if there is some sort of foilage in the room when one is trying to raise money for something, a person is likely to be more generous. In essence, the plant is the manipulator.

Today was the first day of experimence (experiment and experience). Life is an experimence in itself, if we choose to look at our experiences and let our observations be so. However, today became the first day of a drive to change society's beauty standards. Is it a transformation? Is it a decision to not waste time in front of a mirror? I've already done these things today. I've transformed myself into someone that the culture would think of as beautiful.

The idea was to answer anyone who asked, "What's the occasion?"
"I wanted men to notice me today."

[Of course, I was then asked that particular question by a professor, and I chickened out.]

But why don't we instead ask a different question? There's nothing wrong with wearing make up for no reason, [although if has become a habit, then perhaps the habit needs to be rethought.]

But why not ask a question every time someone exhibits the confidence that creates their unique beauty?
"What's making you so beautiful (or unique, or confident, or you) today?"

That was tangenial. (meaning: a tangent)

Today started out as sort of an experimence to see if I would be able to manipulate men to notice my beauty by way of curlies and eye shadow. It makes me feel bad. I don't want people to think that I was doing it for attention. To a point I was, but it was also to make a point. Point: Make up and hair that's "done" do define "beauty". At least by the culture's standards. Or makeup and hair is synonymous with deserving a verbal response by those of the male species. By our culture's standards.

Can I redefine this beauty? I want to exhibit the beauty that I see all around me in each woman and man on this campus that is unique and shows an uninhibited beauty in each person.

I don't want beauty to make people rip themselves apart. I want people to look at themselves, see their own beauty, see their own gifts, and glue it all together, and let the cup of confidence and self-love overflow.

I'm starting this experimence with the opposite. And I'm going to transition from this society standard to the beauty that I feel I exhibit the most from myself.

"Watch" me as I go from externally motivated and extrinsic beauty to internal motivated and intrinsic beauty. [Watch is in quotations, because not all beauty is seen.]

How do you define your internal beauty?
What are society's standards that you feel required to navigate and why?

Mini Transition

I could get used to being at home.
In fact, I did. But I have come back to school.
Those eight hour LONG car rides really wear me out. Being dehydrated & having caffeine crashes--getting back just in time to study for an Elroy Exam (defn: Epic essays, and if missing any piece of information from the question, points docked off), which requires hours of meaningless studying because almost none of it is on the exam.
Then there were epic pains in the abdomen in combination with not having enough time to get coffee for the morning, and I was off to school to dread myself through the actual exam. Going in kicking and screaming calls for kicking and screaming moments mid-question 1, mid question 4, and mid question 5.
Then it was over, and I was almost compulsive with hug needs and my inability to have a happy mood.
Tim, an angel, provided some Tylenol (Extra Strength) during Exploring Social Work, where I also found out my mid-term was not in vain (93% A).
Then Mila and I (meaning: just me) went to get the drugs for the day. Now, two cups of coffee and an ounce of chocolate covered espresso beans later, I am functioning enough to smile at people.

I just hate the feeling of putting half of my classes on the back burner because I have needy professors. How on earth does everyone else handle getting through Social Stratification and Social Welfare history and Philosophy? Will next semester be easier? Maybe. I think that idea that I can count (on three and a half fingers) how many semesters of this I have left certainly helps.
But then where does life lead me? I used to think I had all this together, not now the world is my whetstone (is that the quote?). I think it would be more appropriate to say that the world is my sandstone. It's easier to shape. (and as I was thinking of the right rock, manure pile went through my head) The Whetstone just lights the fire. What do I do with my life?? Maybe I'll grow a garden and water it with my tears. Maybe I'll sing a song and cause someone to cry. Maybe I'll change the world with my college education. But maybe the world will change me because I spent all this time getting a college education.

I want more. I want less. I want someone. I want no one. I want no more. I want everything. I desire nothing. I'm broken. I'm mended. I'm getting there. Thus goes the wave of grace.

Perfect (1)

We think of things that we have that aren't perfect, making the world a negative trunk with occasional bump of positivity. We can paint this painting of perfection, but we cannot attain it. It is only something that we look upon and wish that we can be. In physical images, women reach for the perfection of beauty, a beauty designed by advertisements, Photoshop, and makeup. This drive for perfection pokes bones through skin, and causes fear and hate. It creates a dread to stare at the image that is created in a reflection, it creates criticism of every cell that defaces the smoothness of perfect. It creates 'ugly.'
I just want to grab this beauty and wring it's neck. Just as perfect love should cast out fear, perfect beauty should cast out ugly. There is nothing that makes this image rotten. Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing all that is imperfect, don't look for imperfection. Look at perfection. Look at what already exists. God created each of us perfect in His image. That image is unique in each of us. God shines differently in each of us. He's so diverse, he would create people big and small, with slight facial features, and sharp ones, with tiny eyes, with big ones. You are perfect. Accept that perfection. Accept that no one has the perfection that you have. If you try to be someone else, of course you are going to feel imperfect--you cannot become them. And if you try, you will continue to feel like you will never reach that point. Because you won't-- you can't.
I want you to remove the word ugly from your vocabulary. It is lethal for your health. Every time I say the word ugly, it connotates to not wanted, unloved, broken, useless. If we call our bodies ugly, we don't want them. We instead want someone else's, and we can't have theirs. If we want the ideal body, whose body are we stealing to replace ours?
What is 'ugly'?
Is 'ugly' not putting on makeup in the morning?
Is 'ugly' not having enough time to exercise?
Is 'ugly' feeling inadequate and incapable?
Whatever ugly means to you, whether it's a weakness or a feeling of failure in a reflection, free that feeling. Put it out in the open. Then, do the unthinkable. Take that ugly thing, and call it beautiful. Not the beauty that society creates. That beauty doesn't exist anymore. It has no substance. Though the media surrounds you, it is NOT you. You cannot become the media. You cannot be created by the media. You create yourself. And what you create of yourself is beautiful. Every part that is unique, and worth something. It is part of the whole of you. It is loved by God and should be loved by you. You need it and you want it. Your body is what your body is.
What's to make better when there's nothing wrong with you?
Perfection is looking at your reflection and realizing that you aren't being deceived by society's lies anymore.

The Lyrics that Pour from my mind

This is me processing what's been the past, and what is now. I know that there's good in the bad things that have happened to me, and that's the good thing.

Everywhere I look I see you

In faces of friends Potentials

And it causes me To not forget

Memories Of who we were

What we had Or what I thought

We had

Dreams, an attempt for reality failed

My mind is thrown away

That my reality can make me stronger

Moving on I can stand longer

The distance seems so great

But every stride I take

Hurdles me closer to 

Finding peace in what we made

I am strength in strength

This love that surrounds me

Carries me further than I could see

I'm realizing reality

I made vulnerablity comfortably fit

When I was around you

I jumped in with nothing

Didn't know you were drowning

You could have told me that.

Hard Times

It's hard to take eighteen credits.
And have work-study, and be scattered because you actually live off-campus.
And to be really social.
And to have your life reshifted--it seems like everything hard is happening all at once.
But at least I know that I can graduate the Spring after next.

I have exams tomorrow,
In two different kinds of psychology over all types of information.
All I can think about is the music that I wrote today, and
The songs that I accidently turned on
When memories became captivating and disheartening
And my heart weeped for the times that were
Though they were dishonest
And my mind remembered what I thought was real,
And to perceive it as not is almost like grinding me twice.

Music is the emotion that I can't express
Or that I repress
Because I am so wanting to be proactive that I can't even contemplate the idea
All I want to be is busy so that I don't have to think about what I am really thinking
Maybe taking a short moment to put a tiny abridged piece of it into a song,
Molded until it suits something appropriate from someone's ears.
But that's hard. I can't let out all these emotions completely.

And I'm so sore and tired. My body is exhausted. I want to run more, I need to run more, but
somehow I can't.
I want to be motivated to do the work that I have set before myself.

I hate looking back on everything before me and thinking that it was easier, simpler.
It used to be looking back to high school, and how that was simple.
But now I'm looking back at my spring semester in DC, and thinking, oh, wouldn't it be nice to be back there, it was so much easier then.
I long for these times to be easier. Easy will come.
I got to get over the hump first.

A New Era

I am an evolving interactive soul, functioning in consistency with those around me, keeping up, sometimes going ahead, but about a week ago my world got tumbled. And the rain, which was subtle before, started pouring down, and it seemed like the avalanche would overcome and smother me. This is unsolicited transition. My intentions, my inspirations, my dreams have been tossed about in the hurricane of "I love you, but I was never in love with you."But I didn't go to bed that night alone. I was instead surrounded by friends, hugs, support, knowledge, wisdom, love, and God and that amazing peace of his. The first few days were very hard. Every moment that I take to review my life to this point causes my mind to crumble under the swift blow that it wasn't real, for me, that is.
I decided to train for a half marathon to work towards moving on. The running is great--I feel very empowered, and motivated. I'm not exercising to lose weight, but to instead reach a goal, and that motivates me all the more. Yesterday I did a weight lifting workout in the earlier afternoon, abut didn't feel as emotionally fit as I would have desired, and when I went to talk it out in Bekah's room later, I decided to go for a run-again. So Ellie and I ran, and we ranted.
I got angry for the first time yesterday, while I was lifting. It was the perfect time to get angry, but it's not as healthy when the words that make you angry are a song that is playing over and over in your head.
"It's not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really f-ed it up this time
Didn't I, dear?"
And yes, it really did screw up everything. Until I really look at what I was truly feeling about the big picture--the idea of compromising some of my dreams, and feeling tied to one particular place. It's liberating, and constricting at the same time. I haven't let go yet, and I know that you don't just fall out of love with someone right away.
One of the hardest parts is that I am in school right now, and studying involves a lot of time in my head. So as Aly says, I'm on the run, always doing doing going going. When I sit down and study, if I'm by myself, it all comes back--the moments, the memories. It helps to take the time to take care of myself, and go play the piano somewhere that no one else is, so that I am unconscious of those who listen, and can just play, and figure out what my mind is doing.
I am working through this. Where my mind is does matter. So I'm working toward that.
"If sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace." Romans 8:6

Bringing Light to the Silence

Take Back the Night is a weeklong event that EMU takes part in during the school year. It's in recognition of those who have been sexually abused, and bringing openness and inviting people to talk about what has happened to them.

I decided to be on the Take Back the Night chapel committee for this year. I wasn't really sure what role I was going to take, for I originally wanted to be a part of the sidewalk chalk committee. That was fun for me last year. But Bekah was excited about the idea, so I joined. Later on in the week, I was thinking about how it would be awesome if I could write a song about the theme, Bringing Light to the Silence.

A couple of days ago, I was feeling overwhelmed by schoolwork and life, and I wrote these lyrics. I put melody to them yesterday. I wish I could post a recording, but no performance has been perfect yet, and nowhere near a microphone. Thus, here are my lyrics.

These echoing words aren't love.
I'm being taunted by my own thoughts.
The world doesn't need more pain.
I'm just repeating what's already been said.

Being broken can be mended
But my pieces have been lost along the way.
I'm not together the same
But only I notice I'm missing.

There's light on these dark walls,
And as I pray each day it's lighter.
And there are rainbows slipping through
The prisms I carry inside.
The promises I feel are real
They crumble the brokenness I felt
And my sould won't rock to sleep at night
With it's lips sown shut.
It's bringing light (and life and sound and song)
To this silence.

It all seemed to make sense until I popped my blister.

Here I am at EMU studying my ass off.
For those of you who don't know, I'm taking 18 credits, including two psych classes and four social work classes. All of these things are great. I'm learning a lot, but there's some intense reading that I have to do, and all of these assignments and quizzes that are crowding my schedule as I start the second half of the second week.
I'm wondering if I can do it.
New York took a lot out of me. I made great friends, but I almost feel like I burned out. There was too much to think about, too much to do, and I'm not a work-a-holic, nor was I used to that lifestyle, and it's been a struggle for me to be in three different places during August. But now I'm back at EMU, and I'm challenged by my capacity to study, to meet professor's expectations. I don't want to fail. I feel like I'm approaching failure with every step, that each day in class I come, not knowing if I forgot some reading or assignment.
 I feel like I'm unprepared to handle the requirements that are before me. I hold high expectations for myself.
 I should be able to handle eighteen credits and Jazz Ensemble. But I didn't think that upper level classes would make me feel like I wasn't every finished.
I should be able to feel adequate about commuting and being social enough at school. But I always feel the pressure of being with people and not studying, and wondering if it's necessary to study then.
I should be able to walk around with the confidence I carried with me. But I lost that confidence this summer. It slipped out of my fist.
I should feel like music is something that I can build a career with. But where is the door of opportunity swinging open? Who is going to hear one song that I've written and say, "Wow. That girl needs to record with my company," and sweep me off my feet to a wondrous weighted eighty-eight key keyboard and tell me to write my story until those keys. Who wants to hear that story? Am I new, fresh, and relevant?
Should I still pursue music?
My dear friend Christa told me that I could do both school/Social work and music. But I don't know if I can. I'm driven by the thought that I cannot serve two masters.
Am I serving two masters?
And where am I letting God into all this?
Am I serving three masters?
All I feel is that I cannot figure out who I am because I lost part of who I am when I couldn't feel at home in a place where I was staying. I lost part of what I strived to be when I had to put a face on for fear or angering or disappointing people.
What is the good of reading something if I don't even take it in the first time, or the second time?
I'm brought back to humanity and humility when I taste the bitter taste, or is it the blood, of failure. It takes pieces of me.

The only person that I need to worry about disappointing is. . . is there anyone?
I can only learn from what I am incapable of.
What is failure? a lack of success. Who defines success?

When someone pulls the chair out from under my weak routine and lands me on my butt, again, here I am. Surprised, and tears pour out like they have been waiting to, but I hadn't recognized. These tears come when something dear to me is adjusted. That's all is takes. And I've been slightly ruptured, like the blisters I was nervously popping on my feet, as tears rolled down my face, listening to Zach tell me to ride it out and if I fail, at least I will know how not to do it next time.

I must be adjusting
Because I'm scattered like leaves falling
Down, pitter patter like rain.
I'm dancing spinning round and round
Faster, does the time slow
Enough to not stumble out of my mind?

Is school too hard for me right now?

Day One, Round Two :)

I should read through last year's blog about the first day at EMU. I can guarantee that though I may not have said it, I was intimidated and slightly scared. It's definitely bizarre to think that I'm starting to feel like I've got the hang of EMU, and there isn't anything, really, that surprises me. If I redid last year, I would have not take all these science classes right away. I would have taken things that sounded fun and interesting, not efficient, and I would have not declared my major right away, so to not feel like I was going to explode. I would have tried to do a fun work study job, like being a barista at Common Grounds. I would have been more involved in clubs.

So now I'm starting my second year at EMU, slightly more complicated than I want it to be--with a senior status and explaining myself, and living off campus--I'm starting to feel at home here in the basement of my grandparent's house. Although I have not decorated yet, I know that it's somewhere in the days ahead. I have some assignments of reading that I would like to get to, but it's important to realize where I am with things first, I think.

I got distracted in the morning from having contact with people, and left a little late for my walk over to EMU. Luckily, Social Stratification, my first class, was located in the library, and the closest building to my grandparent's house. I arrived while they were taking attendance, so I was not late. I knew a couple people in the room, two who would have been hall mates, and one who I have connections in NY with. The seventy-five minutes sped by, as we were learning about social inequality, learned in by two Youtube clips, and then everyone presenting from their own small group discussions about the things that were a part of the second clip. Then I had my break for lunch. I had packed my lunch, and was afraid that there would be no one to sit with to eat, when I saw a friend from my days of Biology in the same place. I sat, ate, and talked with her while we had our break. That was a blessing. I went to go wash out my dishes, and I saw my aunt, who works in the human resources department. I gave her a hug, and she told me that great grandpa Engle had just passed away this morning. He was ninety-seven.
That was news, but as time had passed earlier this year, there was a sense that it was going to happen soon, and so it wasn't a great surprise.

I located the classroom for my second class of the day, and then attended it. Race and Gender sounds very interesting, and I cannot wait to see where this class goes. We have some fun assignments ahead of us. I sat with Sanj, Rose (who I had met in Jess' apartment), Jamila, and a girl that was in the Social Work line when I was getting the signature for changing my major. The class discussion was very interesting. It was similar to how the first class started also. The teacher wanted to see where we were within the subject. There were several people in the class that were also in my first one of the day.

After that, I located Monica and located her dorm, and we spent time together until dinner time. I ate some of her peanut butter and almonds, so I wasn't hungry right away when I came home for supper. But I had to walk up the hill to get my bike and figure out what I was going to leave at Anna's apartment so I wouldn't be staggering up hills on my bike. I had just gotten my Jazz book of songs, and I brought the texts I needed to do today's homework.

The biking is starting to get easier. I feel like I need to run though, so that I can get in shape that way too, and have training all around. Hopefully Ellie and I can start running after we get our routines going. I might have to move my running time to a different one than hers for some of the week.

As far as classes go, these have to be the most interesting classes I have taken, and we've barely gotten past the syllabi.

It's nice to live with people who don't criticize my every move, and I feel comfortable with. Yay grandparents!

I still need to get a lock for my bike. Crap.

Various Writings of the past few days.

Friday
The trip lasted almost seven and a half hours, and I was very tired and hungry when I finally arrived at my grandparent's house. Bedtime is going to be a lot earlier because of my eight o'clock classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Classes start on Tuesday. 
I can't wait to get reconnected with people and start hanging out, and I'll need to figure out how I'm going to do that, considering the cafeteria is the most social place on campus, and I don't have a meal plan. I could get a partial meal plan. I'm not sure how much that costs though.
It's good to see Anna, although she is currently in possession of the room that I will be staying in, and so there isn't any space for anything of mine yet. But we are moving her into her apartment tomorrow. It's when all the new freshman are moving in also, but we won't be on campus. 
Saturday
 We woke up early (ugh), and then went to the Farmer's Market. Then Anna packed up some more of her stuff, and we went to her new apartment. It's sooo close to campus. I'm kind of peeved that I'm not granted permission to live there, because it's a pretty darn perfect apartment. Although, sharing a room with Anna might get a little bit old. I got a little bit sick of her today. We moved her in to her apartment, and I met Christina her roommate (who seems very similar to Sarah Rody), and helped bring in stuff. Lots of fun. I went down to the quad (the grassy area between all the dorms) and saw a whole bunch of people which was great. I loved it. Bekah and I walked around together doing all sorts of fun things, which means we helped bring in someone's things, and tried to get the shirts that all the people moving people into their dorms were wearing (but we didn't.)
I climbed the hill to Anna's apartment three times today!
I also crashed the Honors Reception. Not all the honors students were invited, which was weird, but there might have been some reasoning which I am not aware of. But I went to it anyway, and nobody got mad, and ended up having some great discussion with some of the freshman and other people that are in the Honors program.
I saw all kinds of wonderful people. A couple people that I lived with in DC. and got to give wonderful hugs to all.
I walked around barefoot all day. My feet look disgusting. It's great.
My grandparents that living in West Virginia have a foster child named Brandon. He's quiet, but very polite and sweet.
Anna and I went shopping in the afternoon. I was really tired, and realized it when Anna suggested that we go to this store, and then that store, to see if what we needed was there for a better price. Ugh. And she drove in the wrong direction to go to Walmart, but wouldn't listen to me when I told her directions to get to where we wanted to go. We had to call Grandma and Grandpa to figure out how to get there. I then realized that I hadn't eaten since noonish, and was hungry.
We went to Taste of Thai for supper, and enjoyed Pad Thai tofu. Mmmm.
Sunday
We went to Crossroads church today. It's a church that Anna used to attend during the first few years she was in college. At first, I was really pessimistic about it. I didn't want to car pool, and Anna was being really silly and rushing me and being annoying, so I was so annoyed by her. But when we got to the church, I felt really welcome and accepted. Anna and I were to take care of the children during the service--they were doing a healing service. In the church, there has been many financial issues and loss of population in the church, so the pastor had to leave, and so they were having some open discussion about what everyone was feeling. Anna and I spent time with Leah, a six or seven month old, Naomi, a two and a half year old, and Hannah, a fourteen year old with Downs Syndrome. We played with blocks and play dough, and Leah fell asleep in my lap as I was bouncing her. I got to talk to several people that I used to know before we moved to Ohio, and had a delicious meal that was vegan at the potluck afterward. :) Thank goodness for beans and rice. mmmm. After church, I went home and moved in all my stuff. I went to Anna's, had to bike over to the people we carpooled with's house because I left my phone in their car. Then I ran an errand for Anna, and got some tomato paste at Food Lion for her. I biked over to Maplewood and helped Mariah, a girl that is on the hall I would have been on, loft her bed, and then helped Bekah move in her stuff. I saw a few more people before I went home. I biked back up the hill to give Anna her tomato paste, and then biked to my grandparent's house for supper.
We had veggies, hummus, crackers, cantaloupe, and Concord grapes. and then peach cobbler for dessert. It was really good. and now I'm at home watching Heroes, and processing what it means for me to live off campus, and if I like it or not. I know that what it is is where I'm going to be for the next year, and I know that it's a little bit more flexible. But it's hard to see that I'm going to be able to spend time with all the people either. I know I will, but I will be tired. I will find a balance. I know it. I'll get in biking shape, and it will be easier to get where I need to go. . .
Ellie and I are going to run together once classes start. I've met several new people that I didn't get tospend that much time with in the past that are actually Social Work majors and that's great. Some of them are actually on the hall I was going to live with.
I'm looking forward to dumpster diving sometime this week. I have a bunch of friends that are planning on going and I can't wait to do so.
It's really interesting being back on campus again, and having so many opportunities and things that I like and want to do. It's distracting and wonderful.
Monday
Today was a tiring good day, for the most part. I got up this morning, ate breakfast, and made a planner so that I can keep all my dates on track when things start to get hectic. I'll be al set for the next year and a half or so, for the amount of pages that I put in (on accident).
I biked to EMU this morning, and got in the registration line. I did all sorts of registering things, like wearing a name tag and attempting to remember what Anna and I's car's license plate it. I changed my major (finally) officially to social work. Be Gone, Biology! I ate lunch in the caf with some of my friends. I'm debating about how I'm going to be able to spend time with people during the day if I pack my own lunch, because I don't think they allow people who pack their lunch into the caf. If they did, I would do that, and it would be perfect. The other option is to buy a meal plan, and then go to the caf every dat for lunch, or about everyday. I'm not completely sure I can fit it into my budget, but it would certainly be cheaper than spontaneously buying lunch a couple times a week, and it would ensure quality discussion time with friends.
I played piano in Lehman (it's the music building where they also have chapel) for an hour. I'm trying to figure out some piano parts to some of my songs.
I wandered over to Maplewood, and camped out on Bekah and Meg's couch for a little while. I ate some dumpster strawberries and was packing up my stuff when I realized I had no idea where my phone was. So I jumped on my bike, and pedaled barefoot back to Lehman, and it was sitting on the bathroom counter. . . haha.
I didn't really know what to do with myself after that, and so I was going over to Anna's house and passed the EMU garden and I saw my friend Bekah. I decided to stop (I was also rather winded. These hills are intense.) and I sat with her eating some of the garden's grapes, and we watched cars go by for a little while. Then I biked up the little mountain to Anna's house and camped out in her living room for an hour or something, rehydrating, and doing busy work. (they gave us the schedule for the spring semester's classes also, so I was planning out next semester's classes for me)
When Anna got home (she was working out) she started getting dinner ready, and Grandpa and Grandma soon arrived. We had a simple dinner, some spaghetti with homemade tomato sauce, and a version of pico de gallo "salad" that you could put soybeans and mung bean sprouts on. Anna also had this molasses bread that she made, and served Anise candy afterward.
I had to go to a meeting for the Sustainable Food Initiative group that I'm joining. Most of my friends are in this group, and the ideas and plans are totally down my alley. I'm excited to get started and spend more time with these people, and in the garden, and bringing the leftovers from the caf to Our Community Place, a sort of soup kitchen place.
I walked home. It was getting a bit dark, and knowing that, I'm going to get my bike some lights, so that I can bike home, and also let Anna drive me next time. It's a bit of a long walk to do at night. It's close to a mile and a half or something.

Starting the Second Round

The second round of school. Year number two, I suppose you could say, but there's always a complicated answer to that question. Thus, this is the second round of EMU. Almost a second start, I would say, because of the fact that there is a whole new major in mind, with beautiful opportunities and options. I can't wait! There are upsides and downsides to each new circumstance.
I have chosen Social Work as the major for me. There are so many opportunities and a variety of awesome options right out of college, and I'm so excited for them! The downside, of course, is that the extra science classes I took last fall are now electives, unless I pursue some sort of science minor. I was thinking about still doing a music minor, but I still want to graduate early (oh the competitive heart of mine). So at this point, I'm just focusing on social work, and I'm hoping to take some fun classes like Rock climbing, and drawing or painting at some point, because I deserve to let that art out of my soul. For this semester, I have my watercolor paints (and I FINALLY have a blue!!!) and my sketch pad, so I should be all set, when it comes to things that I need for art outage. Of course there is a piano here, and I'm hoping that living her longer term will produce some sweet inspiration from those keys.
it has been recommended that I recycle some of my songs. Or work them out, so that they aren't all rough drafts, which they are. Many times, the piano part changes with each round of playing, mostly because I improvise the chords and that's just what I do. Some of the songs, though deserve their own unique piano part. I think I can do that. And then I can record.
I just finished up two weeks of glorious loveliness with Zach. He got to come to my house a couple days earlier than planned last week, and then stayed with my family all the way through Thursday, when we left to go to his house, and now I am in Harrisonburg. We did so many things. We went walking and running with my mother, father, and Rocket. We made Engle cookie bars (made into bars by Zach. I was content with cookies), and pizza Hazlett style--on the big wooden cutting board, with a serve yourself attitude. We made bread together, and many smoothies. We spent hours cutting up green beans, blanching these and also tomatoes, which we peeled, and picante sauce. We improvised from my mother's original recipe of chili. And all that was just in the kitchen! Well, that was mostly what we did, besides going to Sarah's house and picking raspberries with her for a little while. We spent a lot of time watching movies that we hadn't seen before that were quite interesting-- The Hudsucker Proxy, Signs, The Sixth Sense, Donnie Darko, and also some that one of us had already seen--Dumber and Dumber. That was very important.
What I enjoyed most about our time together were the conversations that we were able to have. We talked about important things that haven't been able to be discussed for a year, and we started getting to know one another again. We had a few arguments, several ending with me screaming on the floor. . . because he grabbed my foot, pinned it in between his arm and side, and was tickling it without remorse. A couple times my knee popped out of place. . . and then right back in, because I was kicking frantically. We all learn our limits one way or another.
Zach started challenging me mentally with these logic puzzles (he calls them "red herrings") where he would say a sentence, which could be the last sentence of a story, and then I would have to figure out why it happened. These drove me up the wall, but for Zach, we wouldn't do anything else until I figured it out. He looked up Red Herring games on the internet, and found this one that was really challenging that we couldn't get past level eleven on. . .
Zach also went to the zoo with Mom and me, and then met Kristen and her family (she was moving into her apartment in Toledo while we were there).
We drove to his home in Millersburg after I had an epic eye appointment with Dr. Darnell. We went to the Dandelion Seed Company, what you could call a showing of the arts, when we got there. It was a lot of fun, though I was tired from driving, and needed to eat some protein. I enjoyed the music and readings that were shared by everyone there, and realized how nice it would be if there was something like that for me to be a part of here so that I could regularly get feedback for my music.
Now it's time to go to sleep, or move into my room, or something. My eyes are tired, and so is my body. Driving seven and a half hours in one day by yourself can do that to you.

Finishing Flushing. Or just beginning

Here I am at the end of my three months already. And more and more, I realize that life is life, and everything changes. High school is now a distant memory or something I used to do and someone I used to be. My music has changed, my heart has changed. My motivations are for different ears to hear. I go through stages of being the listener and being the talker, and I'm learning how to love the talkers I know, and learn to listen to them, even when it gets really painful. This trip has challenged me. It's challenged me to decide when I can give, and when I should limit myself because I'm too exhausted to function. I've felt stretched and pulled like silly putty, and then crammed back into a container. To a point on this trip, I've felt used. I've served and planned a program that was an idea that was not my own, not my original plan. But in the ways I have felt this way, I also know that there is so much I've benefited from every second of being here. Ever second, I have benefited, and to a point, being used is a feeling that everyone feels all the time. But if we love each other, we look past the feeling of being used, and see that we are giving of ourselves to help others, even if they don't see it right away, or if they don't appreciate it. In that way, I don't view this trip with me as a puppet. I am a human, with no comparison to a puppet. God gives me the nudges I need to keep going when I need to keep going, and rest when I need to rest. He leads me to speak when something needs to be said, and when to shut my mouth.
Though I'm not in the same place I was at the beginning of my summer break, I still feel the same way about my Major choice, and I am excited to begin taking the multitude of classes that is the Social Work Major starting August 31st. Though at the beginning of the summer I was planning on living in the dorm with a wonderful roommate, I know that God is working in me, and the fact that I'll be living with my grandparents this semester. Even though I know that these friendships that I've built while I was here were very shortlived, I know that the connectiions I've made with people are going to stay connected, because we have an Awesome Common Ground of God, and we have know Him together--that is enough for me. I know that I was only in a piece of some people's lives--I was there on church, I was at the summer program, I was the white neighbor who lived upstairs, but I collided the worlds for some. I want the world of Flushing to collide with the rest of my life. I want to bring my little sister here and get her some Bubble Tea. I want to take Anna running through Kissena Park. I want to introduce my dad to Mark and my mom to Judy.
And I said I would come back. And I plan to, someday. We will see where God leads my feet and my heart.

Fifth Week of the Summer Program

This week went by quick. Not as quick as we all wanted it to, but it went by. There was a continuous feeling of exhaustion that pushed us all to keep going--keeping staying awake until the day was done, and we could go home and sleep and eat.
On Tuesday we had a visitor from the Department of Health. She came really early in the day for the lunch service, so I decided to let her feel a little more welcome than to just sit in the kitchen awkwardly for three hours, and had her make paper mache with the kids. We passed that inspection with flying colors. Joyce was a cool inspector anyway.
On Wednesday, we went to the Astoria pool instead of Camp Deerpark. We brought eight kids, a pile-up of volunteers, and went to the park nearby while most of the kids swam. It was a good time. I didn't get in the pool, but enjoyed the park with the sprinkler that was close to where we sat our things down. Besides Dequisha getting hives from the infamous peaches that come in the free school lunches, it was an uneventful, fun time, ending at the Lemon Ice King, for Italian Ice. After work, I went with Vanessa to get her ear pierced--she got a Rook. It looked really painful.. The piercist had to bend the needle because her ear was so small, and when he pushed the bent part of the needle through, she grabbed my hand. Ouch!
Friday was more of less the worse day of the week. The kids walked to P.S. 20 for a hot lunch, and played at Bowne park. I stayed back at the church because there were parents that always come early, and it's good for someone to be there when we are doing the program. I cleaned up the rooms after crafts and dodgeball, and everyone started coming back, and soon everyone was back, until the doorbell rang, and Vanessa went to see who it was--Gregory, one of the kids in the program. We were all in a bit of a state of shock when he said he was left at the park and walked home by himself. After that came the heavy heavy discussion between leadership about how to tell his dad--the only dad that had been riding us the entire time, and seemed to be wanting more out of what we were doing. When Dan did tell his dad, we knew that Gregory wasn't coming back. The whole issue is really full of tension, so I'm just going to leave it at that.
The rest of the day was fine, but after that stress load we were all frustrated--with the program, and with each other when we left.
The work that we do in this program has two sections: the work that you do, and the work that you are. The work we do is the preparation, the crafts, the food, the clean-up--things we see and do, and the work we are is the attitude which we come in the door with, and the relationships we build with the kids. I think both at equally important.
Friday evening, I was blessed with a sit-down dinner with someone who wasn't affiliated with my work, and I could just talk about it and not worry about offending anyone. We went to the Happy Buddha, and ate vegan entrees and desserts. Judy got the chocolate cake, the soy ice cream, and a smoothie to go for us to share after the wonderful dinner. We took the bus to a Nail place in Bayside, and she bought me a manicure-pedicure, which was completely wonderful and awesome. And so relaxing. Now, my nails are teal, and my toes are neon yellow.
On Saturday, I went to the food pantry for the last time. I hadn't had a chance to go since before the program started, and it was fun, and fine, and I prayed for one of the ladies before I left. Sylvia and her friend Charla came into town--she called me in the afternoon and asked me how I was and what I was doing for the weekend, and at first I said I was fine, but then I said, "Actually, I'm in a foul mood because I miss Zach, and I'm watching Sleepless in Seattle, and I'd love it if you came and visited me," and she did! They came Saturday night, spent the night, set off the alarm while I was in the shower, and scared the crap out of the neighbors. We got a great laugh out of that one. They came to church with me in the morning. I went to the Perri's for dinner Saturday night, and Hannah made a Tofu "Cheese"cake, with chocolate, rum, and cinnamin. It was good.
On Sunday, I shared about my time in New York and what I had learned--what challenged me, and also shared a song. I was going to play one of my newer ones that I had written while I was in New York, but during worship, God nudged me in a different direction, and I played a song Marie and I wrote together--"true love", and said for people to listen to it, as God's love. That went really well. Then there were all these goodbyes. Goodbye is always hard, especially when I don't know when I'm coming back. I had this idea to work at Camp Deerpark, but in all honesty, I don't know where God is leading me, and what kind of a job I'll have. And I very well might spend next summer in Ohio, with people that I love there. Though saying goodbye was happening, I also had some interesting discussions with people. I went into the bathroom, and a woman that I had spoken with the first Sunday I was there, about being a vegan, said, "I've met some more Christian vegans." and then we discussed that for a little while. It made me giggle--that we were having the discussion in the bathroom.
I prepacked all my things, to see if they would fit, and then I sent my guitar with Sylvia because I knew that I didn't want to have to pay extra to take another thing under the Greyhound bus when I would have to take it, so I sent it with her, and I'll see her in September or October.
We went to Manhattan Sunday evening. The weather was perfect. We walked from Penn Station to this wonderful elevated walkway that actually had field grass and wildflowers on the edges--it was like a field in the middle of a city. So bizarre, but so wonderful at the same time. We went to Cocoa V, and they had artisan chocolates like Stella Leona's, but vegan, and I got a bunch that we tried, with great interest, Starbucks later. We then walked to the Crepe place, called Motek, that had 8 cent crepes, because it was their opening night, but Hannah and Christa got in line too late. The plus was, that across the street, there was a Vegan bakery and I went in, bought some vegan lasagna, and came out and when we as a group finally sat down, at Starbucks, add some dollar pizza, dollar falafel, some dolma, and voila! we had a great time! I had a soy chai tea latte. mmmmmmm. Then we took the subway home, the bus from there, and went to sleep at midnight. But it was perfect.

Summer Program Week #4

Things are starting to wrap here in Flushing, NY, even though it doesn't seem like it. The attitude of the program has become less stressed as the entire program has become a routine for all of us. Now we are doing it like it's something we've always done. Since week one, we've been averaging in the mid twenties for kids in the morning, and in the afternoon, we've had about ten to twelve kids.
The morning portion of the program includes breakfast and lunch, supplied for free by the city of New Yo. We have a short chapel following breakfast, and by the end of chapel, most of the kids have arrived at the program. As the weeks go on, we can easily tell which kids are going to come late, and which are going to be early, and also which kids will NEVER actually be coming. That is definitely obvious.
After the chapel, the younger kids start arts & crafts, and the older kids play dodgeball. Christa and I help with the arts & crafts, and Daniel leads the Dodgeball. I personally hate the game dodgeball, so this worked out in my favor. Craft wise, we've done origami, lanyard, coloring, drawing, tie-dye and then put fabric paint on a shirt, and next week we are planning to do paper mache, which I'm excited about. Its one of those things that I did a lot when I was younger. I had this spectacular book with all these cool things to do. I was really crafty when I was little, which has bled a little bit into my adulthood, because I love to knit, and not follow patterns, and I love to make collages. I'm not a bad drawer either. I just don't do it that often. Musically, I have been much more consistent with being artistic, because it's like my second language. With drawing, and other types of art, it's like I'm going in blind, like how I feel when I try to speak Spanish. There's this point where I'm blocked off and I can't see anymore. If I really practice, I get a chance to expand and see more, but I haven't really had that option here. I brought my sketch book, just like I  planned to speak a lot more Spanish, and then didn't really get a chance to use it.
After Arts & Crafts, we switch over to playing board games until the lunch arrives (Dan and Milton have to go get it). Once lunch is over, most of the parents for the morning program pick up their children on time. Then we get started with the afternoon portion of the day--academics. More often than not, some of the kids have been desiring nap time, so we've given it to those who were interested. But the problem that I see with it is that unless we separate them all into their own individual places, they never sleep, so it's counter productive, because it makes them not listen to the volunteers in the room. After they "nap", we have them read for a little while, and write summaries about it. Then the packets of work appropriate to their age and level are given to them, and they do that until about four o'clock. Then we let them have special activities. We have done drama, music, and baking with them.  This usually lasts somewhere between a half an hour to forty-five minutes, and the kids start going home around this time. We have computer on some days, some days we play board games, and on Friday, we watch a movie before they leave. During the special, or during the time that they are doing their work, if there are enough volunteers, some of us clean up, and make the place look nice, so that we don't have to do it after they leave. Some days we even leave before six o'clock, because the parents actually come on time.
For chapel for the last week, we have been teaching the kids a song with motions, and then talking about a fruit of the Spirit that is associated with the song. The Thursday and Friday before last, we did Love and Joy(and I played and sand "Amazing Love"), Then on Monday, we did Peace, Tuesday we did Patience (We did "Trading my Sorrows"), on Thursday we did Kindness (we taught the song about Peter and John healing the crippled man), and on Friday, we did a review.
When we have chapel, the hardest part is getting the kids to stand up when we sing. It never ends. Now that we have musical accompaniment, there's less of a focus issue, but it's still impossible to get them to stand. Sometimes it's the exact opposite, though.
There's this young guy, named Shaquille, who we are pretty sure has ADHD, because of his need to move, and focus so easily switched. He never listens and obviously cannot sit still. Every day we try sometime different. The best solution so far has been to have him sing with us when we teach the song. After we finish every song, he always says "More! More!" He's quite an armful. Sometimes we have to hold him down so that he won't run away, because he does run away. He drives me up the wall, but I see that there is some unfulfilled need for him to see and to learn. On Friday, he was playing dodgeball with the big kids, got hurt, hit someone, then ran away to the bathroom, and one of the volunteers yelled for me. Once we got him out of the bathroom, I took him for a walk around the building. He loved it, and had such a great time trying to and opening doors, and seeing what was behind them. When we got back down stairs, I had him draw me a map of where he'd just gone, and he drew a lot of doors, a staircase, and drew the roof, full of chimneys. (I think because he didn't get to go on the roof, that he was imagining all these chimneys) Then I asked him to draw me his favorite thing. He said music--and drew a guitar, a drum set, a "big piano", and a microphone. A kid after my own heart. When it comes down to it, Shaquille, though hard to understand, and to get to listen, he's quite exceptional. He reads rather well, and if he's focused on something, he will do it. I think when there is too much going on, he runs in circles (literally) because he can't decide what he wants to do.
It's been interesting being in charge of the volunteers. I've never been one to place degrees of separation between people because of the level that they are in comparison to where I am, and so working with the volunteers has been bringing them up to my level. However, at the same time, I know that most of them don't have the exact same experience with kids as I do, in a camp setting, and so I know that they are challenged by the amount of energy that these kids have and the amount of attention that they require.
One volunteer couldn't figure out why he was here. Spiritually, he felt like God was calling him to be here working with kids, but at the same time, he just felt worn out, tired, and like it wasn't going that well. So I challenged him to try and get to know some of the kids at a slightly deeper level. So he played Sorry with Yeong Seo, Phoebe, me, and Edward. Then I asked him later how it was for him, if he felt like he was making some progress with working with kids, and he said he felt better. Something I've noticed with the volunteers in general is that they can handle the kids when they are one to one, or one to two, but when they all come running with the desire of tickling or tackling, it's very easy for the volunteer to lose it.
My role as the observer in that case is to get the kids off of them, whether it be to direct them toward something else ("Look! Shiny!") or to point out that they are disrespecting the volunteer. My role as the volunteer supervisor is to teach the volunteer how to interact with them when they need to keep the child's attention, and how to hold their cool when they are overwhelmed with children. Interaction is key!
This week we learned that it's almost impossible to get enough kids to go to Camp Deerpark. We rented a huge air-conditioned bus with comfy seats and had eight kids, several parents, and a large group of volunteers. I had a great time. I went swimming, got to chat with Sylvia and Alicia, and get my hair trimmed, but I also know that there was a financial burden that was taken because we did not make the ends meet. We will continue these next two weeks to take trips on Wednesday, but they won't be to Camp Deerpark.

Prayer requests and praises:
With no correlation to my Flushing week, besides the fact that I'm here and they are my family there, my parents head to Japan today, and are on a flight to Salt Lake City as I write. I found out about my housing situation, that I am going to be able to stay with my grandparents off campus, to cut financial costs. With this decision, I still plan to stay connected to the hall that I was going to live on, because I love all of those girls, and I was looking forward to their companionship.  Zach finished debreifing this week, and is at home now, and I might call him sometime.  There's a reunion at HDC for all those people that were in training when he was, but because of some planned family things, he went home early and missed that. I get to see him in two weeks. Marie finished up her Music Academy today also, and is going home today, I think.

That's that.

Taking a Baby Step

Some of you already know this, but I am heavily addicted to writing music. I'm not shy to admit it or show it, so when I get the chance to play for people, I take it, and RUN! But I haven't recorded anything, besides maybe a piano track for a song when I was a sophomore in high school, a couple from live recordings here and there, and nothing was ever copied onto a CD. Thus, when I say I've started making recordings of some of my songs that aren't from my camera's crappy sound system, it's a big deal.
And I have. I started making some of my songs into mp3s. Note: I'm recording myself, usually in one or two takes, and it's far from perfect. But I do like it that way, I just don't feel confident in those abilities yet.
Thus, I'm giving everyone who reads a chance to listen in! And if you know some of my songs, suggest one that you want recorded! Leave a comment and I will email you one of the better mp3s that I've done in the past week!
Thanks so much for reading and listening!

VBS Week!

Wow. It's intense that this week flew by.
I was talking to Sylvia the day after I got back from seeing Zach, and was telling her about how I was going through withdrawal, and how I knew the weeks would fly by once I let them. And somewhere between spending several hours reading and writing out verses on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, somehow this week has reached an end, and we are halfway done with this program!

We had Vacation Bible School take over the morning section of the program, and I took Monday and Tuesday mornings to myself to attempt to recover to being back in Flushing, in a city, and feeling like I didn't want to be there. But my God time, as most God time is, was fulfilling, and I felt like I could indeed function for the rest of the week, and the rest of the time.

The rest of the week, from Wednesday through Friday, I worked at the VBS in the morning with the first and second grade group. The other leaders for the group were Vanessa, Tito, and Kevin, and then the sixteen little munchkins that came with us. It was glorious, and fun, and stressful, but we all had peace that once 12:00 came around, those little glorious, stressful, and fun munchkins would go be all those things with their parents.

There also was a lot of peace in the fact that we didn't have to plan and run the program ourselves. I personally felt a lot better about the entire thing because I wasn't in charge, and only had to be a piece of the puzzle, not the designer. I don't really think that God ever intended only one person to be a designer of anything. We are the church, and because God has sneakily given us all the different gifts that we need, there is no need to attempt to do things on our own. That being said, if someone is trying to do that, they should ask for help, and others should donate their advice and their time.

In the afternoons on Wednesday through Friday, everything was so much easier. There wasn't a peak of stress like there has been in the past with the kids at our program, when we are trying to get them to listen to us. Everyone listened, everyone did their work. We communicated with the kids, and with parents. We ate good food made by Christa's mom, and had kids do their academic work so that they could bake food with Hannah later! They made cookies and brownies this week.

Bethany and her friend Nicki were at the program this week--Mark and Annabelle went for a vacation away and the two of them were with Hannah this week as "mommy". They weren't required to do all the work the kids in the afternoon program were, but if we let them to theirselves, they could go pretty crazy, so I took it upon myself to play Monopoly and Risk with them. (I know, such a hard task.) We played for several hours each time. And I dominated each time. They can win next time. I'll teach them strategy.

On Thursday evening, I also got a chance to eat dinner with Weslea and we got to talk about life. That was awesome. She said there might be an option for her to go to Guinea Bissau this January (of all the connections. . . :)) and so I really wanted her to be able to meet Zach, but maybe some other time. (He's going to be chock full of business until I get to sweep him away.

Now, we have the next three weeks of the program to go. We are halfway done. I'm leaving the Thursday of the last program, and then I'm on my way to Harrisburg, for a day of debriefing, then a night bus ride home to Toledo. That's the next three weeks in a nutshell. Are we ready? We hope so.

Prayers/Praises
-Yaya VBS!!!
-I sent in my housing form request with all the letters of support yesterday. Next Thursday, it goes before a housing committee and they decide if I can stay with my sister or if I have to stay in the dorm. I'm willing for both, but I need to know so that I can prepare for that.
-Three more weeks of program. Fill in if it's a prayer or a praise. It is both for sure.
-Pray for rest for all the staff, so there is need for less coffee.

Weekly Update #10

So this past week was a week of challenge; a week of exhaustion; a week of sickness; a week of celebration.
As the program continued, we had many ups and downs. There have been kids who started bleeding and started hurting or got hurt--the IcePacks we got for the coolers have gone to good use otherwise.
We've improvised through activities, and played Dodgeball one thousand times (although I have to say, I have not played Dodgeball once). Having such a spectrum of ages really changes the way the program is run--we have mostly kids going into third grade and under, but they all seem so much older. I think age stereotypes melts away when you learn names and faces.
This past week, I went temporarily insane, to match the lack of being prepared to tie dye, and feeling like there wasn't enough staff, and worrying about food, and tutoring work, and people.
Tuesday wasn't such a great day. I ate some green beans that were in the free lunches for the kids, and around five o'clock, I started feeling nauseous, eventually went home, and then later puked for the first time in seven and a half years. (and then again, and again, and again.) After that, I was sick of being sick, and I went to sleep. I felt better the next day, and have felt better for the rest of the week, but I don't think I've gotten my hydration back to where I wanted it to be, which sucks in the morning when I just need to get up and go, and I feel the need to be watered.
On Wednesday, we were going to go to Camp Deerpark, but then there were more staff that were going to go than kids, and it was going to rain, and so we cancelled the program, and got the day off. Which was absolutely perfect in going with the fact that I had been sick the day before--my mom told me I was contagious and shouldn't go to work. Unfortunately, there were people in my house all day, and I had to seem like I was completely healthy to match their output of energy.
My landlord, bless her heart, thinks that if you leave the fan on when you aren't in the house, that it will cause the house to burn down. But on the days when it was 100 degrees, and I would come home and the house was a sauna, there was no way I was going to leave the A/C and the fan off when I was gone. When you come home and the house is 92 degrees, there's something wrong.
Anyway, so she asked me if I had a learning disability, because I couldn't seem to "grasp" that I have to turn the fan off. My learning disability is that logic. I don't understand it. And, unfortunately, it is socially too late to ask her, because she will think I am starting a revolution in her house.
Thursday was survived, though the morning was stressful--we have been averaging twenty-five to thirty kids in the morning, and ten to twelve in the afternoon. We tie-dye shirts with them on Tuesday (I washed them all at my house on Wednesday), and on Thursday, we painted them with fabric paints.
Once Thursday evening came around, I had to skip Discipleship. I was leaving in the early morning for D.C., and had just gotten over being sick.
Friday morning --2:15AM, I woke up and Dan came over and picked me up and drove me to the Bus Depot. The most hilarious part of the morning was the fact that we were at a stand-still. At 3:00. On the high way. WE saw all the people who were still out, all the people who continued their day like it was light outside.
I barely made my bus. There was nowhere to check my bag, so I just put an ID on it, and then put it in the pile of bags that where checked, and I prayed that they would load it up like everyone's. I sat next to a middle-aged man named Jeff, who was going to Charlotte to start a better life for himself and the family he was leaving behind. He shared his Jolly Ranchers, grapes, and bought me a Fanta and a bag of chips (which I saved to give to Zach later). He was asking about the book I was reading, "Jesus for President", and said, "Oh, so you are into religion?" I said, "Yeah, Christianity." It was quiet for a little while, but later he started talking about what faith he'd grown up with, and how open his parents were, but how he wanted to start going back to church once he got to Charlotte. I'm praying that he does.
When I got to D.C., I was swept away with familiarity, and was so happy to be in a place where I felt like I could navigate myself.
I got off the Metro at Brookland, and then waited for Emily under the overpass. It's amazing what being in a city longer term does to you. I was completely comfortable doing that, whereas one year ago, I would have probably stuck as close to the station as I could. Emily got off the train and we walked and talked our way to the WCSC house. It was bizarre but wonderful to be back there! I felt at home (and played the piano for almost an hour), but felt no obligations. I had a great conversation with Kim, got to see my garden, ran into a couple current WCSCers (they were upstairs) and enjoyed half of an Everything Bagel with Emily before she left to bring a future student out for their interviews.
Around 12:30, the Hazletts arrived, picked me up, and we all headed to Dulles! It was a hot ride, there being no A/C in the car, but it was fine for me--I'd been in a cold building for the past three hours.
We arrived at Dulles a little earlier than the flight was supposed to come in, but then we waited around until an hour and a half after it landed for Zach to come out of customs. It was so awesome to surprise him. He didn't know that his family was coming, though he thought I might.

On my ride home from Harrisburg on the Amtrak, I took the time to reflect about my day with Zach, and here it is. Yes, I am long winded, I know.

What a whirlwind. I just spent a day with Zach. Just twenty-four hours. He’s home from Africa—Here to stay! Thank God for that. I don’t think I could take another year of him being gone. Props to those people who send their fiancées on mission trips, I couldn’t do it. He’s changed, but we can still pick up where we left off. I’m so thankful for that. I can handle this feeling of knowing he’s home now! Even if I can’t talk to him everyday, knowing that he’s just a few hours drive away, rather than a day/s flight away gives me so much peace. He seems to have adjusted well to America so far. Occasionally, he makes an observation of things—like the idea of a grocery store—with everything you need—like four TVs (in the store)—all being in the same place at the same time.
The Hazlett’s came and picked me up at WCSC, with all my stuff, and we headed off to Dulles. We got there early, and we remembered that Zach and his group had to go through customs to come back—so then the wait added to be more than an hour. Noraa had called me “Grace Hazlett”, saying that I was going to marry Zach, and I had accidently touched Taylor’s butt, so she said that it was because I wanted to touch Zach’s butt, and she was going to tell him that when he got there.
I was just starting to fall asleep while waiting for him (Waking up at 2:15 to get to Manhattan at 3:45am, and still getting stuck in traffic is quite annoying. But I slept pretty well, had a great seatmate, with whom I had a great conversation with about life, the universe and Everything (which is, God). He also shared his Jolly Ranchers, grapes, and bought me a bag of chips and a Fanta (didn’t know I was vegan. (But the guy sitting across the aisle from me did—he saw the PETA stickers on the back of my Macbook and asked me if I was in DC for the Animal Rights Convention.)), and Zach got off the airplane, out of customs, and all of a sudden he was there—same clothes, just more worn, and a little more covered in dirt! He was wearing the hat that he wore to Honduras, and looked like he had shaved his head again, and was bald. His face was plastered with a super smile and we could tell that we’d surprised him. Earlier in the day, I had texted Marie and told her what I was up to (because before, it was TOP SECRET), she reminded me that I should let his mom get the first hug. So I did. I let his entire family envelope him, before he smothered me with a wonderful losing-your-balance-hug. I was freaking out in my head—I was nervous and I had had too much caffeine earlier in the day—and was in complete shock, and I couldn’t stop looking at him! He’d changed so much—and looked the same at the same time. There was more hair on his face (and his chest, as I learned when everyone was swimming later). There was a lot less hair on his head (something I hope stays that way for a long time.)
His teammates were Africanized (which meant, for most of them—they lost weight). They looked relived and ready to be taken care of by someone else. (Which, for another tangent, is one thing that I loved the most about this trip.)
We swept him away from his team, and took him into the van (which, though un air-conditioned, was a wonderful trip because we’d all been frozen in airport for two hours), and then went to a grocery store, to pick up some stuff for dinner. Zach was in a bit of a shock. He kept looking around and because he could see everything that he needed it was so bizarre. He said that there was nothing like that store within a hundred miles of where he was. When he saw four monitors stacked together, he exclaimed—four TVs in the same place—so bizarre.
It was so wonderful to hear his motivation and energy. I have this feeling that he was ready to get going with what he wanted to do—either with school, or with work—he said he wanted to get a job. He wanted to get a motorcycle—and I think that is a great idea. I can’t wait until he does. I want to ride it with him!
After that, we headed to a National Park that was on the way to Harrisburg. Denice and Toby grilled food, I ate a lot of Dolma, and we all hung out around the park. There, Zach presented everyone with their gifts. When he started doing this, I could see how much he had thought through everything, as he gave everyone their gifts. He wanted each of us to experience a little bit of what he did in the past month. And the love that he expressed through that made me feel overwhelmed with the great beauty of the fact that Zach really does love me. More than I can expect. I was the last person that he gave the gifts to.
Zach had given everyone a little package that you make tea with, promising to make it with them, because it’s a two person thing, and because it makes about three shot cups per person. I received one of those. He gave each person three pieces of gum that they had in Guinea Bissau. There were two packages of crackers. One was a type that you were supposed to have with the tea, and one was a cookie with some Nutella in the middle. Both of these had some milk products in them, and Zach didn’t give them to me (which is why I assumed I didn’t get any. Later, he told me that he got hungry in customs and ate some, but when I told him I wouldn’t have been able to eat them anyway, he was relived.) Zach gave seashells (that were completely gorgeous) to Jaynie and Noraa, from the seashore that they went to in Guinea Bissau. He gave Aleks two iguana feet and two snake skins of snakes that he had killed. Both of them were poisonous.
Zach found some awesome sculptures to give as gifts to a couple people. My favorite was the tiger—it was more like a jaguar in shape, and had teeth that were probably from an iguana’s foot. He gave two pieces of artwork to Taylor and his mom. They were small paintings from a local artist in the area, but Zach picked them out because he felt like they represented Africa the best. He got Noraa a teenager sized wrap-around skirt, telling her that the girls in Africa are given the same ones, and roll them down to the right length, and then they keep them, and grow into them. He gave Jaynie a skirt also, with an additional hair scarf to just wrap around her head, like the women wrapped around their heads when they had to carry things like water on them. He got his father an entire outfit in a teal green—including a cute hat to go with the big shirt and short pants. It was so beautiful.
Then he gave me my gifts. He laid out the tea and the gum, and then reached in and handed me a necklace—not too fancy, with mostly black beads, with a design where the middle was—and a slight heart on the middle bead. It’s the first piece of jewelry I’ve ever received from a guy—and it means so much to me. And then he unfolded a wrap skirt for me—the same pattern as Noraa’s, and proceeded to help wrap me in it. There was a ruffle/ripple on the edge. Then he pulled out a shirt to go with it, which he helped me put on. It had three buttons and long sleeves. Zach said it was custom-made, and that he designed it. I was a bit incredulous—how did he know my size. “I’m the same size as you, Grace. “ Ah, I had forgotten. I had been so nervous that he was going to get something that he was going to get me something that I wouldn’t like, and would be disappointed with, but I knew that it was going to be alright when he started.
When we got back to HDC, Zach went in, and although there was a bit of a fiasco with Denice’s Ipod being dropped in the ice bucket, and a slippage of Apples to Apples cards all over the backseat (and Zach accidently yelling “Jeweli!” instead of “Grace!”), we brought him in, I said “Hello” to a couple of people—Kaitlyn, who was on Zach’s team in the beginning, but had to be resituated when health problems stopped her from going to Africa, was back for debriefing at the same time. Everyone was slightly surprised to see me there (especially the HDC staff, because they knew I was doing a GO assignment in Flushing), but understood at the same time. We drove to the Comfort Inn, and I got to sleep in the adult room (and fell right asleep, for that matter,) and was on the sofa bed—which was more comfortable than the bed in my house at Flushing. This is very sad.
We all woke up late—a little before ten o’clock, and ate breakfast at the hotel. Toby and I both had a couple spilling moments, but we learned that they offer coffee lids for a reason, and were thankful for the napkins that were also provided. Then Toby, Denice, and I all left for HDC to pick up Zach to come spend the day with us. We all changed into swimsuits and went in the itty-bitty pool that the hotel provided, and made the best of it, I should say. We played with the underwater camera, made as big of waves as you can in a square pool, and did handstands and somersaults to our delights.
We had lunch—I had the rest of the dolma, a salad of lettuce, tortilla chips, and salsa, and lots of fruit and some bread. And another cup of coffee. After we ate, we played a couple rounds of Uno, before we decided to look at some of Zach’s pictures with him. These were beautiful, and slowly the idea that Zach has been gone for a while, and this trip changed him, and the fact that he’s here now, and he’s not leaving soon, have started to seep in. And I feel a peace about me that soon we will get a chance to be in the same place and not have any obligations, and soon the degrees of separation will subside and we can be together for however long of a life God bids us.
When Zach came with me into the train station, and said goodbye to me in person, there beside me, with a kiss on the lips, I could tell you that it was perfect. It left me wanting more, excited for the future, motivated to finish strong, and ready to make things happen. I noticed many other changes in me while I was with the Hazlett’s. I felt like I was helping because I wanted to help, and because I could see the solution would make sense if I helped along with them, and because I love them. I could see that I wasn’t a third wheel when I was with them. I feel like part of the family.

Thanks for reading!

Prayer Requests and Praises
--I have four more weeks to go. This week is VBS, so we get a break in the mornings, but pray for all of us as we continue to work our butts off to make this program awesome for the kids.
--Praise that I got to see Zach! It was so awesome, which you probably read. Praise that I also got to go back to D.C.
--I am currently planning to apply to live off campus for the fall, and could use your prayers as I fill out the form. Anna already has an apartment in the perfect location that we are going to share with her roommate, and we just need to get me approved by the committee.
--Pray for Zach as he does reentry and debreifing
--My younger sister Marie is currently at Music Academy at Northwestern University. Because she talks so much with her chest voice, her vocal chords are really stressed and she has to rest them. Pray for her rest.
--My parents are going to Japan at the beginning of August. Pray for safe flights, a wonderful time with their friends, and a great celebration of 25 years of marriage.

Weekly Update #9

This past week started with the Fourth of July. Sylvia, a friend that I made through Zach being at training last fall was working at Camp Deerpark, came with her friend Ben, and walked around Manhattan with us. We visited a Cathedral, played a piano that was on the street (that's a story in itself), walked to Starbucks, walked to Cocoa V (which was closed for the July 4th stuff), and then settled down for our seating to watch the fireworks. Our neighbors had brought a feast with them, and offered some to us when I said "You guys have quite the feast there." We had some later on, when we got hungry. The fireworks were great, but then I don't really like fireworks that much anyway.
And then the first week of the summer program began!
And one week later, we are still alive, still optimistic: still stressed out.
I can't really tell the millions of things that have happened since we started.
More and more kids signed up.
We have busy afternoons.
Camp Deerpark kicked off well, although the bus ride was intense. We are getting a better bus for this next week, though, so it's going to be better.
On Saturday, we had a very intense day of shopping and then I had to go to worship practice.

Weekly Update #8

I spent this past week at Camp Deerpark, a Mennonite camp located in Deerpark, New York. It's this beautiful, hilly, green, vast camp that enveloped me in love and affirmation and questions. It relieved stress and caffeinated me. It gave me peanut butter, and lots of vegetables. It gave me new friends, and time to build off of the seeds of starters. It gave me a chance to raft, to swim, to pick peas, to challenge myself, to sing, to wake up way too early and go have devos, and to see God in the beautiful place that is camp.

Sunday started out sort of silly--after waiting at the pick-up spot, in the Bronx for an hour, meanwhile meeting someone who is coming to EMU this fall (how awesome),  we found out the bus had broken down, and a couple parents volunteered to drive some of us to Camp. Along the way, we stopped to pick up the bus driver (and I had to pee so bad I went in the woods at that point), and we got lost, and arrived at camp around nine or ten. More people came later, we had a short campfire, and went to bed. 

On Monday, I woke up--no lie-- at 5:50, and went for a run down the hill. I made it a little bit back up and then I walked the rest. Two cups of (GOOD) coffee and devotions later, we had our group prayer, breakfast, and started the training. Monday felt so long. There was some manual overview and then lunch. After lunch, I took the swimming test, and passed with flying colors. I dove into the pool (no belly flopping or fails (yaya)), and proceeded to go down the water slide. As I did, I realized I should pinch my nose, did so, and screamed as I splashed into the water. The ring in my nose pushed against the other side of my nose, and hurt a little bit, but I didn't think about it until Zachary, the Program Director, asked, "Are you bleeding?" I said, "No," and brought my finger to my nose, and I was, in fact, bleeding. A lot. Because I was wet, it kept dripping. Right down my neck. They found some gauze and I cleaned myself up, but there was no Biohazard bag, so I had to take my bloody gauze with me to my next activity, which was fire-building. I burned the gauze. There was no need to carry it around. Alicia and I rocked at the fire building, and then I beat Christian at ping-pong. Of course, we did only play one game. We had a cookout for supper, and I owned the fire, and the veggie burgers (and of course, the poor cow-flesh burgers).We had some good discussion before we headed down to play kickball. Which I was great at--until Christian started playing outfield. And when I did get on the field... let's just say I'm way too competitive for my own good. We had campfire, singing a whole bunch of songs that I had never heard before, and then went to bed. 

On Tuesday we went for a hike to the Back 40, which means a very steep hill with an awesome view. There were wild blueberries on the way. This was before lunch. After lunch we went rafting. Talk about a leadership developing activity. But I didn't want to be that person. We eventually figured out that Matt's paddling was the key to all issues of the raft going in any other direction, and then continued directing as so. We had to stop early because the other group's raft was leaking air. We had a camp out, and slept under the stars. I went in around three because I was cold. 

Wednesday was great! We did some challenge course activities which were frustrating and challenging at the same time. One favorite was the bouldering wall--there was a long strip that you had to boulder down. My other favorite was the wall that you had to get over. People had to lift you up, and someone had to pull you over the wall, and then you pulled them over the wall. After that, we were all exhausted, and I went back to the dining hall and Sherrie was there!! It was great just to talk to someone who wasn't work affiliated or anything, and just wanted to talk and see where I was with everything. After supper, Sylvia needed to go shopping, and as they were leaving, they caught me, and I got to go along. It was a wonderful break from what we were doing there. Sometimes I just need someone to steal me away before things that I want to do start feeling like obligations so I can be refreshed and relaxed for the next thing that I do. I got to bed at ten. 

Thursday showed up, and we had some great sessions--Ken Bontrager led a talk about telling your testimony, during which I had to poke Matt to keep him awake. Dan, Christa, and I went to Freedom Farms after lunch. We explored the property, met the family who owned it, and I picked shell peas, all the while taking it in, and LOVING it. I got to talk to Deborah Bontrager about my life. That was fun.We went to Walmart in the afternoon, and were told to find supper for three dollars. We were also shopping for all of camp's needs, so I rode in the cart with Alicia as she shopped for medicines for the camp. We also picked up some nose studs, since I was messing with my ring, and broke it during one of the sessions. For supper, I got a can of beans, a roll, a banana, and a Powerade Zero. The goal of this was to help the staff appreciate the $3 dinners that the camp makes. (which are awesome meals, and I'm a vegan). Then they took us all back to camp and we had a banquet (to show how awesome the $3 meals are) and a talent show. The talent show was fun, because they had a dance-off and a Camp Deerpark's Next Top Model. I walked in the Model one. That was a lot of fun. And then, towards the end, Christa and I sang two of my songs. That was a lot--a lot of fun. I love singing for people!

Friday rolls around, and with Christa and Dan supporting the ladder, I took the staff picture on the roof of the dining hall. Then we ate breakfast, cleaned up. I got to pick up litter around the camp. We left around eleven. The traffic was normal--bad, and we got there around two, and then passed out flyers for a little while, and then we drove to the drop-off station in the Bronx, which took way too long. We rode the Subway home. 

I ate beans, a bowl of bran flakes and soy milk, and vegan chocolate chips for supper. . . 

Prayer Requests and Praises:
--We got a much needed break from the city for a week, and will continue to go every Wednesday.
--I've been reading and running and praying a lot this past week! Thank God for that!
--I made new friends!
--Our day camp program starts on the 6th of July. We have 33 children coming for the morning program, which is free, but only five for the afternoon, which has a still very affordable tuition. Pray for enthusiastic and awesome volunteers.