A New Era

I am an evolving interactive soul, functioning in consistency with those around me, keeping up, sometimes going ahead, but about a week ago my world got tumbled. And the rain, which was subtle before, started pouring down, and it seemed like the avalanche would overcome and smother me. This is unsolicited transition. My intentions, my inspirations, my dreams have been tossed about in the hurricane of "I love you, but I was never in love with you."But I didn't go to bed that night alone. I was instead surrounded by friends, hugs, support, knowledge, wisdom, love, and God and that amazing peace of his. The first few days were very hard. Every moment that I take to review my life to this point causes my mind to crumble under the swift blow that it wasn't real, for me, that is.
I decided to train for a half marathon to work towards moving on. The running is great--I feel very empowered, and motivated. I'm not exercising to lose weight, but to instead reach a goal, and that motivates me all the more. Yesterday I did a weight lifting workout in the earlier afternoon, abut didn't feel as emotionally fit as I would have desired, and when I went to talk it out in Bekah's room later, I decided to go for a run-again. So Ellie and I ran, and we ranted.
I got angry for the first time yesterday, while I was lifting. It was the perfect time to get angry, but it's not as healthy when the words that make you angry are a song that is playing over and over in your head.
"It's not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really f-ed it up this time
Didn't I, dear?"
And yes, it really did screw up everything. Until I really look at what I was truly feeling about the big picture--the idea of compromising some of my dreams, and feeling tied to one particular place. It's liberating, and constricting at the same time. I haven't let go yet, and I know that you don't just fall out of love with someone right away.
One of the hardest parts is that I am in school right now, and studying involves a lot of time in my head. So as Aly says, I'm on the run, always doing doing going going. When I sit down and study, if I'm by myself, it all comes back--the moments, the memories. It helps to take the time to take care of myself, and go play the piano somewhere that no one else is, so that I am unconscious of those who listen, and can just play, and figure out what my mind is doing.
I am working through this. Where my mind is does matter. So I'm working toward that.
"If sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace." Romans 8:6