"Retreat! (reflection time) Retreat!"

I took another sick day on Friday, just because I was still feeling exhausted and challenged by what my body was feeling. I was definitely frustrated with my meds, but I also thought that I had something more long term, over a long period of time that has been affecting my energy levels for months now, it seems. Many people would agree with me that we think I have/had mono, and that would explain the exhaustion.


We packed and left for Rolling Ridge around 7:30-8:00pm, in the car. Doug brought a van with most of the people in the house that left at 7:00 on the dot, and Emily wasn't in a hurry, so we left later. Jess got back at 7:30 even, and then we played around on the piano, working on my new song, and then we got in the car. Then Emily needed some bedding, and Jess needed her guitar. THEN we were on the road.


The ride there was interesting. We had some interesting discussion going on, and it go especially interesting when Doug called Emily and asked her to pick up some water. This was interesting because although they have drinking water at the retreat house, it was well water, and Doug was worried that some people wouldn't drink it because it was hard tasting (when I got there and tried it, it was nothing like water at Camp Luz, and tasted delicious in comparison to the artesian well.). It was also interesting because the whole retreat was supposed to be about water, and how we were conserving it and using less (for example, I didn't take a shower while we were there, and used less water than usual to wash my oatmeal bowl.)
So I thought it was completely silly that we were stopping for water of all things, but Emily also bought some snacks for the riders--some Garden Salsa Sunchips, and some Fruit and Nut trail mix. We chose, but we were probably the most interesting customers in the gas station. We bought everything, and then we got back in the car after an interesting round of bathroom breaks (I was going to race Jess to the bathroom, but Emily inhibited me for some reason or another. And then I was going to go after her, but then Jasmine held me back... ahhh..)

Then the sunchips bag became very interesting--it was extra crinkly because it's made of corn--it's one of those new 100% decomposable bags. It made us really giggly as we continued on our journey, and Emily warned us, as we arrived at the retreat house, that Doug would probably try to scare us. So I was prepared. But then he only scared Emily. We brought our stuff inside, and Jess and I shared a room, and then we joined the group, who were just lounging, drinking tea and eating popcorn.
We played Spoons, deciding to spell "Doug" instead of Spoons because it was shorter. I warned everyone ahead of time that I was really competitive and irrational because I was sick. During this game, I stole a spoon from Sanj--prying it out of his fingers. When Doug joined the game, though disgruntled that we were using his name as the means to being out, played rather ruthlessly. He sat right across from me, and being left handed, went for the same spoon as me. This went interestingly one of these times--we grabbed it at the same time and he somehow pulled me via spoon across the table. And I knocked my chair over in the process. And then we all died of laughter. After Doug joined the game, it wasn't so fun anymore because I wasn't able to win.
Jess wanted me to braid her hair, so I did the first half that night. We went to bed late. But not before Emily fell asleep on the floor in the living room, and we put her blanket on her.
Saturday morning I woke up at 7:30--oh the joy of sleeping in... NOT. I was up about the same time as Doug. I ate my vegan oatmeal that I brought along because I knew what types of foods that they bought for the trip, and I drank some coffee for the first time in a couple weeks, maybe a month. I was talking to him about something. I always talk about something. I'm not a big fan of silence, because to me, it begs to be filled. And I'm a pleaser, so I fill the silence.
Soon Emily and Jess were up and about. I finished braiding Jess' hair and also did the top half of Emily's hair. That was a lot of fun for me, and I really want to braid more people's hair in the house, but not a lot of people are interested in that. Maybe I'll convince Corrie one of these days...
Once Kim arrived, we were forced to jump, sort of without consent into working on the masks. I was the last one there because I wasn't ready to go--I had to put my contacts in and change, and then I ran down to the Art Cottage (which was the first surprising action of energy. Although I'm not certain it was connected to the single cup of coffee I consumed that morning). Once there, I heard the end of Kim's monologue on the mask making and how strong some cultures take masks. Then she asked for the first people to volunteer, and up my hand went. I'm all about new experiences.

So I slathered petroleum jelly all over my face and put on a hair net to cover my braids, and then sat in the chair while Corrie and Kim laid dampened pieces of Plaster cloth onto my face, smoothing and layering, leaving holes for my nose, and nothing else. That was when my vow of silence began. You can't talk. You can grunt, but cannot move your mouth in anyway because it would contort the plaster. It was rather hard for me, but it made me reflect on all the comments I would have made while listening to what was going on around me. I made a mental comparison to being in the womb. Because once the mask dries in certain places, you can move a little bit--once it dried near my eyes, I could blink and see the white of the plaster, but nothing else, but I couldn't talk--or speak legibly until the mask was completely off. I had to move the muscles of my face to loosen it from my skin and then off it came, leaving flakes of plaster at the ducts of my eyes and on the edge of my hair lines. Then looking at the mask was so alien to me. I didn't think my face looked like that. I thought it looked more like some of the other girls' than my own face. Later, when we went back to decorate the masks, I picked up the wrong one the first time, and quickly discovered the discrepancy to my face when laid on it. I was processing what it means--how I define others' faces, and I realized that when I look at people, I notice their eyes, and their eyebrows. I also notice noses, but I notice the things of color on the face--that distinguish from the rest of the skin on their bodies, so looking at these masks when they were on someone's face or after they were peeled off, was like they weren't a real person--that they were a body but not a person, soul, spirit. I laid Emily's mask for her, and she decided to smile for her entire mask making so that it would hold a smile eternally. While I was putting the strips of plaster on her face, I decided to play twenty questions with her, knowing that she couldn't speak, but only "uhhum" and "uhuh", and try to figure out what she was thinking. It was so interesting, because I had to go from "person, place, thing, action" to several questions later "is it part of a day?" and somehow we got to "is it part of a different country's culture?" and I had to go through all these different cultures to Asia, and the final thing was "smiling meditation". But it was an interesting process to get to. And then when I was finished, I took Emily outside, and sat her down. Jess was taking pictures of Jasmine, and Bryan, and so we included Emily in that, getting her to pose in Kim's car and with Toby.
After the masks, we all went back to the house and had lunch. I had a PB and J, and also a tomato sandwich. Fetsum discovered the most potent Dijon mustard, and I, wanting to clear out my sinuses, had some. It was like wasabi, but I was prepared, and enjoyed the burn and the clear passageways. I really wanted to take that mustard home with us, but the guys put it back I think.

Later in the day, we left for the hike. Bryan, Andrew, Christa, Lindsay, Jess, Jasmine, and I, along with Kim and Doug went on this hike. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed getting out of the house and was extremely thankful for the break from the city air and climbing hills and getting to use my body. We hiked until we reached this waterfall, where ice cold water cascaded from the rocks down all the way to the Shenandoah at the end. Most of the group went on one side to get in the water, I climbed up the other side. It felt great to climb the rocks and go higher and higher. I would have kept going, except I didn't really know where I was headed, so I climbed back down, and decided to go wading. I got back down to the bottom and took my camera out of my pocket to take a picture and it was then I realized that I must have banged it against a rock back at the top and broke the LCD screen. But it could still take pictures, so I did. Then I went wading, and got a bit more wet than I planned to--I was climbing down a waterfall and got the front of my pants completely soaked--I was standing too close. Andrew got hit in the back by a golf ball, something that's probably less probable than being struck by lightning at this point. There is a golf course next door, but it's a course, not a driving range. Then we walked over to the Shenandoah and looked at it for a little while. I decided to see how long I could walk bare foot back on the trail. I kept up pretty well--until we got to the main gravel part that is, and then I slowed down a lot, but still kept on until I realized it was going to be rocks the rest of the way, then I put my shoes on and ran to catch up with the pack. 

When we got back to the house, I was completely exhausted, but I didn't want to just go take a nap, so I went back to my room and changed my pants, and was looking out the window as I hung my pants on the curtain rod to see that the roof was right there. And I took out the screen and climbed out onto the roof and read my book there for awhile, but the sun wasn't shining there, so after I finished my chapter, I went back in and took a nap. 

I painted my mask. I wasn't sure what colors to do, but all I knew was that for me because I define people by the surprising colors on their faces, that my mask had to have riveting color as well.
We had hobo dinners for supper. There was tofu that was immensely enjoyed in my own dinner, and we had banana boats, and a sadly attempted marshmallow, strawberry, and crush graham cracker mixture that burned in the fire. The wooden plank that was beneath Jess, Andrew and I's butts broke under Andrew because it was rotting at a knot.
We went back in the house and I read my book for awhile, and then I went to bed, but because I only knew where one of my earplugs were, I didn't fall asleep right away, and then when I finally did, I woke up really hot once, then opened the window and woke up cold. Then I closed the window and fell back asleep on the bottom bunk, because Jess had left that night to go back for her rally, and then I dreamt. Good dreams. Interesting dreams. Like there was a hag that stole my credit card and driver's license and then stole my identity. Then something with Dad being with me and my smart card and things were going on. Then all of a sudden there was a crazy man (depicted by Hugh Laurie) holding the head of a child. and that's when I woke up with fear. Fear like no other. Fear that holds you and chokes you and makes you unable to go back to sleep, not for the dreams but for the reality thoughts that fill your mind. That you know if you hear screaming that you know how to get out. That someone wants nothing more than to torture you and make you suffer the most pain possible. This is when I start praying. For God to bring me peace, for Zach, for Sarah, for Bekah, but thinking of anything but the fears that grasp and hold me in this suffocating grip. When I went out of my room, I was happy to see that the lamps were still lit downstairs and I went to get some water, and I decided to do my devotions that I would be doing in the morning then, because I knew I needed to calm down. Then I prayed more.
"O God I have so much fear--fear of improbable things, of scary deaths, of evil and insanity--God, take them away. You are with me. You keep me safe from harm. This rest is much needed. Fill me with peace and knowledge that your justice flows like the ocean's tide--it comes, it goes back, but then it comes back again--and again. Jesus I am so tired. Give me peace and security that all is well. It's good. I trust you. I trust that your will is being done. You take me and you take my fear. Separate it. I don't want it! It scared me out of my mind and fills me with insecurity. Jesus keep me safe. Death is not my fear. You are my hope. You are everything. Please fill me with peace. I need your peace. Fill me with trust for you. Build my faith. Let the angels attend me and keep me safe. When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say it is well with my would. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control-- that Christ has regarded my helpless state and has shed his own blood for my soul. It is well. With my soul. IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL. Jesus, I will follow you whe the trials come I will give you glory and not be afraid for my life because I know that you keep me safe. Thank you for your peace and love. I pray that you can give me rest now, that sleep would come easily and that I would be rested for tomorrow. Thank you for reassurance that it's going to be alright. Take me. Take what you have in me and use me for your will. I love you Father.-- Grace"
This fear has only come two other times. Both other times I was working at camp. I was counseling and I woke up in the middle of the night with similar fears of people coming and hurting those in the camp. But this doesn't happen often.
I woke up at eight, and went downstairs after packing, and caught Doug, who was making the breakfast, just in time to get my spanish omelette to be vegan--right before they put the eggs in.

We had breakfast, then we went to the Meditation building and had our service. We presented our masks and said what they represented.
Then we closed, cleaned up, and drove home.
That was the retreat. I left with less energy, came back with more. I left without a reprint of myself, and came back with one. I came back with more understanding and more growth, but again, never in ways I was expecting.

My mask represents the definition of color that defines faces for me, it is emphasized in the eyes and brows. The furrowed brow represents that sometimes I get frustrated at my internship. The silver that is around the mask represents all this information that is coming at me all at once, of different ideas, of all the social injustice of it all--and how I'm surrounded by it up to my chin.
The lips represent that I have much to say, as I always do, but now it's not all about me but about everyone else.