I was praying tonight. It's something that I do every night, as I know that tomorrow is indecisive as it is, and I don't know what circumstances could change in the night. I know that one day could go by and everything change. So I give it to God. Every single night. Tonight I was discerning about my future. It's such a touchy subject, because everything can change with the flip of a card, the ring of a phone, or a ring. But it's not that I worry about that, it's that I really have no idea what on earth I am going to do this summer. I thought I knew. I thought that was the one thing that I had figured out. Then I realized that the one thing I had figured out was the fact that I'm going to DC on Sunday. That's it. I realized that I am starting to plan things for myself again, even though I had no intentions to. I was planning on working at Camp. It's my default. For a little while I went off on a whim and thought about working at a sign shop in Lancaster with some people that are related to some other people that I used to go to the same church with (Mennonite connections). But it was just a whim, and with some convincing from a good friend, I was back on the Camp track. And it was then when it came back up, today actually, that I realized that I needed to rethink the entire idea of doing Camp. What if that was what I wanted, and not what God wanted? What if I was just going with the flow--the routine of my life this far?
I'm a rather rebellious person, though I don't like to talk about it, and often rationalize these things as to being normal. Because it is normal to be a Mennonite pastor's kid and get your tongue pierced. And it's normal to be an Honors student at a high school, but give up being around your high school friends to go to a local university and be a junior in college before you graduate high school. And it really is normal to go to college with one major in mind, but change your mind a week in. But it isn't normal to finish the semester with those classes, despite the fact that you are not planning to use them in any way, shape, or form. Despite what others say, you have already filled your general education slip for that spot, and though you don't like to think about it, it was kind of a waste of money. (the good part is that you learned from it, you know a little bit more about science than you did, and discovered Chemistry wasn't that bad. And of course, the experience of knowing that it isn't something that you want to do.) It is normal to be completely in love with someone--you have a long distance relationship--but for them to be in Africa, and not heard your voice in nearly a month. And lastly, it's normal to go on a cross cultural your first year. But the people who know you also know that you were thinking about quitting college and going to do work in the mission field, but this option seemed like a good transition point, considering you didn't know what you wanted to major in, and finishing school as quick as possible was the original plan (didn't get those 60 credits for nothing), but now you have nothing to work from.
This might be a phase that I'm going through. Maybe I just want to be different from people. Maybe it's a psychological uniqueness, where I have to be different from people. I have to make my music, and hope they listen to the words so that they truly hear what's going on in my head. I have to dance around the point I want to say, because it's hard for me to be completely assertive with people who intimidate me. But either way, maybe my rebellion is making me distance people from me.
This isn't even about my "rebellion". I'm not rebelling to make a point to someone, or anyone. I'm not doing it for any ideals, although my vigorous-high-staked-almost-perfectionism could have something to do with that. Within that case, I've always had high standards for myself, being grades in school, and being better, doing things on purpose.
I've discovered, that though I have this attitude at the beginning, it becomes genuine very quickly. It's like high standards are my front that wear, and me being a nut this makes me define myself by my standards. This is so unrealistic, even though people define me by my standards, it's actually just a front I wear. (Which finally gets me to my point)
I don't care about grades. I don't care about academics. I can't care if I'm better than a person, because everyone has relative standards anyway.
What a rabbit trail.
What I have been getting to:
I was praying. Praying that God would show me what path I should take. What I should do this summer. and then after that I'm not worried about. What I know is that God wants me to do something--I don't know what yet-- with people. Seems easy.
I started to be aware of this. That people, and relationships were more important than school work to me, so much to the point that I was disappointed that there was no one to hang out with and I had to go study. The relationships I built at EMU weren't all deep. For me, I'm happy with just talking to someone that I wonder about, or having a quick, but interesting and funny conversation for twenty feet (of walking, in case you didn't catch my drift). I flit from conversation to conversation. It's just how I am. I can stay in the cafeteria for hours, just because there are new people to talk to, be funny with and catch up. I just want to know what's going on in their lives. Anyone really. It tickles me pink to know what makes a person happier than anything, or excited, or to know something significant about their lives that makes them different in what they do and why they do it, than anyone else. I thrive in relationships. And where some people benefit from a few deep friendships, I benefit from being deep with everyone! As you can imagine, even with my truly (almost one hundred percent, it seems) extroverted self, this passion takes a wear on me. Towards the end of the semester, when I was getting amazing amounts of work done, but also when so many people were finally opening up to me and I to them, I was so exhausted, and so unmotivated. I could keep going and keep going, but I had to force myself to do things that my body needed. Like exercise and sleep (I didn't have a problem making it to the cafeteria--that's where all the people were). When I got home, I was tired three hours after waking up in the morning, and I was getting headaches (though I'm pretty sure that had to do with dehydration). Now break is closing, and I'm heading in the direction of DC. A place where the communication will never stop, and I have less work than I did this semester. Either way. I know that right now, God is calling me to a place of work with people. Obviously--he stuck me in a high school. I have no idea where this is getting me. As of right now, I know I'm too impatient to go anywhere for more than a year-year and a half more of classes. So here I am trusting. As of now, the answer that I received may not even be for this summer, and maybe this summer will be another one of my weird mood swings (like WCSC was) and then I will have become obligated, but I will enjoy it nonetheless. Thus, whatever it is, I trust God.
That's what I have been doing all this time. But what? I still don't know yet. Sorry. It's an open-ended story as of now.
Nothing seems right yet. And I know if I wait too long, opportunities will close. But others will open. This I know, this I am calm with. God is my God, I trust Him. I know that the future is complicated. But this isn't my first rodeo, life is complicated.
As for my options right now, I'm still thinking about Camp Luz. But if something else kicks me in the rear I will not ignore it. I sort of feel like I have a calling to work in inner-city missions, and I feel like DC will either make or break that. But I have spent time in Harrisburg, and I am totally willing to assimilate to anything with people who are willing to listen.
This is where I am.
Sorry if you are confuzzled.
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