New Song: We are the Same in this

How can I help you with your life
If there's pain written all over your face?
Because there's lies, stereotypes
Telling me to keep my distance
You're broken, peace-ridden
What can I suggest?
Because this cold, cold night
Of hopelessness is approaching fast.

And the fight to win this battle
Is going the wrong way
As people take money for themselves
Instead of society

We are lost in this
We are lost in this

These selfish ties victimize
We separate contaminate
Corruption reeks deception
Can we escape?
Remove the lies, which fantasize
An atrocity of fake paradise
Let the layers melt off, see the shock
Human just like them

We are lost in this
We are lost in this

This trap that we've created
Limits your heart size
You're on your own
No one to hold anymore
Marginalized
Sinking into the mud
Let the rain wash away the difference
What makes me different
For you?

We are the same in this
We are the same in this
We are the same.

New Song: Growing Up

I changed the title. This song is about growth and strength in God. Yay!

As the rains of struggle
Fall over me
I feel your foundation stabilizing
With your walls of strength around me
I'm stronger than I could ever be
With me

Without your balance, Lord,
I'm stumbling on my own
Walk with me as my steps are faulty
You have given me the strength to stand
And only in your ways
Can I keep growing up

I'm still such a babe in this
I'm challenged by these bigger steps,
You prepare me for them
I depend on you
I can't try anything I do
Will you lead me to succeed?
In your way, Lord
In Your way

If I walk on my own
I start drowning
Waves of ocean fill me with fear
My faith disappears
Until I let me see
Your perfect love frees me!

It's your will, not mine
And you're my guide
And my soul shines with
You inside
I can't hide
This freedom within me
Can't you see Him? See Him!
Can you see Him?

Christ in Me

Where do you see God in yourself?
How do you let Him serve through you?
Do you let God take on both feminine and masculine identities?
Do not limit God!

Where do you let God speak through you?
Does He sing through the songs you write?
Do Her words escape that mouth of yours as you open your mind to God's plan?
Listen to God!

How does God love through you?
Let your eyes envelope the hurting souls of another.
Surround their pain with God-strength to overcome.
Does God's comfort in your silence echo?

How do you praise God?
Do you let His Word reverberate through you?
Do you humble yourself and let the nature of your soul no longer conform to this world?
Be transformed by God!
/-/
What is good?
Is it the things we say when we should?
Or is it words we would
Say, if it weren't for hurting feelings?

But God is good,
Our good is good!
He takes us as we are, with a love we can't define!

It's the love of our Christ!
A child once like us.
He became the bread and the wine,
Because he knew we'd break it every time
Understanding man's imperfection,
God gave us His son's connection
To take away our unworthy souls,
And make us pure gold,
and make us Good.

Who is Good?
Did not God say that not one is worthy?
Then why do we still do things to define our worthiness?
/-/
Let God's works shine through you.
Don't think you need to do anything for Him!
The king is enthralled by your beauty!
Honor Him, for she is your lord!

This is the love of Christ in me.

Skydiving

Falling in love seems so dangerous
It's cause for broken hearts
Collapsed on the floor
There's always risk involved
When you let fall
You soul is bare
Susceptible to insecurity

But if you both fall at the same time
If you're holding hands
As you jump and fly
This love will catch
Pull that parachute string

Dive into the sky
Soar over mountains
Look over the earth
It was made for us
See potential
Reach for exponential limits
Let real true love envelope you
As you fall together
Grab on hold tight
This is the night for you

Falling in love is so thrilling, freeing
It makes you who you are
And better
It fills you with excitement
Butterflies and you are ready
For your love to fly higher!

Cause if you both fall at the same time
If you're holding hands
As you jump and fly
Your love will catch
Pull that parachute string.

Ben's Song

You happen to be
The opposite of me
In some ways
You step on the other side
You balance my controversial mind
In spite of everything
You accept me.

And there's more God in your eyes
Than I've ever seen in my life
I see it and squirm for more time to go by
Because I just want to embrace you
More than other people do
More, because I mean more
Because Love means more.

What is this love?
English forgot to define
The feelings you've inspired
I can't remain the same.
You've claimed my attention
We've intercepted I want this connection
You were unexpected untimely interesting
You've intrigued me I can't stop suggesting
That you succeeded in tripping me over
That you succeeded in tripping me over
You succeeded in tripping me over
In love with you.

Beautiful words
develop in my mind
I can't speak my face erupts in smiles
I'm bashful and you're accepting
It all helps the depths of
Our hearts connecting.

Thoughts on complications between race and gender oppression

It’s important to be aware. To be passionate, to be driven, and motivated by injustices in the world and to reach the point where you can tell the world because you understand that it needs to be known. That it needs to be something that people are passionate about, and it needs to be something people are motivated by, because it is an injustice in the world.
Part of passion is the empathy that goes along with acknowledging oppression. I take on the pain that other people feel, can sense the frustration in the air when the oppression continues, when people misunderstand what’s really going on. I hate seeing conflict, seeing people disagree, but what I hate more is not seeing the truth bared at the end of the day. This happens when people don’t accept others for who and what they are, but instead choose to stereotype, discriminate, and hate. Other parts of oppression, though, I have experienced, as a woman.
On Monday night, there was a presentation of a video about Hip Hop culture. Afterward, at the discussion, two opinions were created: one in the discussion and the other in my own mind. The African American students who attended the event wanted us to know that the video displayed a stereotype of their culture; this wasn’t who they all were. During the video presentation the idea that stuck out to me the most was the oppression and the issues within our culture. These are caused by patriarchy: men being the leaders in relationship and being dominant over women. This idea is portrayed in the media displaying that women are for men’s sexual pleasures, they have little brain, little clothes, and no voice, other than to voice sexual desires.
I understand that not all African American men carry themselves standing on pedestals of dominating violence, homophobia, and objectifying women. I have reached the point through my life experience of diversity, through my cross cultural in DC and a summer in Queens, that I cannot stereotype anyone by the standards that the media portrays. Certainly, there are men of all races and ethnicities that fulfill that patriarchal role, but there are also quality, deep, men who love the beauty of person and personality.
I left the discussion, however, with a feeling of oppression upon my gut. I walked away disgusted, feeling like my body was oppressing me. Once, when I was walking home from the metro in Washington D.C., I was stopped by a man in a car, in broad daylight, who got out of his car and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I responded with a ‘yes,’ but proceeded to talk to him until he let me on my way. He did not touch or harm me, but I have never felt more confused or filled with fear in my life. I try to carry myself with confidence, to be quick to conversation, but I’m also quick to hide my fear, and my lack of comfort. If the man who got out of his car to ask me that question thought he was complimenting me, or would be able to convince me that he was a worthy gentlemen of choice for a relationship, he was quite confused. This man, though displaying his interest through conversation, only pulled over because he thought I was beautiful, and objectified me.
My frustration continues when I see people who only flirt with others because they are women, or because they fit the standards of beauty in society. This, though building some sort of shallow relationship with someone, still banks off of outward beauty and sexuality. It seems that flirts don’t genuinely like anyone, they just live for attention, and for the self-esteem boost when people reciprocate a response of “I think you’re hot, too.”
Oppression, frustration, and anger resonated in me as I left. What could I do? The only way to stop the objectification of women is to change the structure of our media influences. This means in advertising, we have to stop making people feel bad about themselves enough to buy something. We have to stop setting the standard of women’s idealized body weight at 13-18% underweight. We have to stop sexualizing everything, making every advertisement about thin women, sex, or both. It’s become all about comparing ourselves to others, as if at the genetic level, we all fit the same stereotype.
Awareness is the first part of making a change. I am passionate and driven enough to want to make others aware the oppression of women in society, even if it’s only through my own frustrations and anger. I want people to have awareness of their own actions, and what their influences are. Even if they don’t ‘fit a stereotype’, what are their tendencies? Look! Go outside into the beautiful world, look at human beings and see human beings, with beautiful intelligence and beautiful ideas, not just a beautiful face.

No Longer Suffering Alone

Suffering is a part of humanity. It can be drawn from the very beginning, in Genesis, when the fruit was bitten. Sin was born, pain created, and toiling planted into the working of the soil, the earth, and everything in it. As we have been born into this world that has sin and suffering, we are also bound to suffer.
Because of this, suffering should be normal. People are dying constantly, incurable diseases coming upon people, accidents happen, and life changes. It should be accepted that pain will come along in our lives. Life’s emotions are a bit of a roller coaster, but in knowing this, there is always a mountain after a valley--a positive on the other end. We will live through it!
Somewhere along the way, this Western society seduced us to conform to individuality. This means that we care about ourselves, what others think of us, and have no need to depend upon them. We are who we are, and we don’t need anybody’s help. This means that when we suffer, we are in constant thought of what other people would think of us. If we are crying, or depressed, or seem “lonely,” we are in a state of vulnerability, and our society is uncomfortable with genuine vulnerability. Instead, we put on masks. We avoid pain. We avoid conversations about pain. We hold our pain in.
This idea of perpetual happiness is fictitious. There is not one person in this earth who has lived a life of pure happiness. What kind of a life would that be, to only see the high side, to be constantly floating? This life would be out of touch with reality. Because there would be no up or down, life would be monotonous and boring.
My point is this: why should we have to hold in our pain, keep our shamed secrets within our hearts until we die, because we must hold to these standards that have rooted their way into our souls? God created humans for relationship, and within that relationship, he calls us to bind together, so that “if one falls, the other can help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:10). God wants us to glean off of our friends, our brothers and sisters in Christ, because they will build us back up when we are suffering, and be our support when we cannot go on anymore. God wants us to open up about our past pains and sufferings—the ones that have lain dormant for so long, but still influence everything we do. God wants us to talk about it.
In my experience, pain stays with me until let others cross the boundary of comfort and enter into the vulnerable deep within me. It is so hard to let others do that, to let people comfort me, because I’ve been framed by the standard that “I can do it myself, I can get better myself” and have been self-medicating through writing lyrics and songs for so long. But God has helped me realize that writing music to an ambiguous crowd can only heal so much.
Confiding in someone helped me remove the fear of rejection, the fear that everyone else is individualistic and doesn’t care. I always knew in the back of my mind that people do care, they can empathize, and they can love unconditionally, but because of the pain I’ve experienced, I only thought I could depend upon myself. I’ve learned otherwise, but it’s been a long process getting there.
In this life, when you are suffering, remember that though you are “in the valley of the shadow of death,” (Psalm 23:4) you aren’t alone. God is with you. Listen to that whispering voice. It’s okay to open your mouth and let your words come out, no matter how hard it is to speak.

One of the reasons I'm late to work. new song. "The only way to live"

You've proved to me Your love
How perfect! I have no fear.
But Lord teach me to walk
What I believe and hold dear.

You are my foundation
My everlasting Rock of Ages.
Rest upon my calling.
Let me listen and hear your voice again.

I'm distracted by my own abilities
But you've placed them in me!
And I want you to shine more than me.
Father guide my hands
Polish my mind so that I can stand for You.

I am blind, Lord, I need to see you
I am deaf, Lord, Let me hear you
I can't feel anything, Jesus be within me
Father I'm tasteless and I know you are good
Show me how to live like I should
You are the only way to live
You are my way to truthful life.

You've filled me with your peace.
How gracious! I have true rest.
Lord teach me not to worry
For life will pass, no matter if I fear or not

You are my foundation
My Everlasting Rock of Ages
Rest upon me Your Peace
Let me listen and hear your voice again

I'm distracted by my own abilities
But you've placed them in me
And I want you to shine more than me
Father, guide my hands
Polish my mind so that I can stand For you.

Everything

I never ceased to be moved by this song.
It hits the heart of my heart and reminds me to worship with all of me without inhibition.
Listen here.

Valentine's Day

Life consistently isn't what you expect.
I suspect that this is because society is so influenced by media fantastical reality, but that's not what I'm blogging about tonight.

Being conspicuous and sneaky with Meg, and decorating Ben's car with words and hearts and cute window crayon pictures.
"Have a wealthy Valentine's Day."
A warm, sunny, windy day that brought on a run outside, then a barefoot game of "ultimate football" outside.
Borrowing heighty heels to be extra intimidating/dominating, first in personality, then in stature.
Practicing to walking in said heighty heels down the hall.
Being suddenly six feet tall.
A pair of pink roses and a sweet kiss on the lips from a handsome, also-tall, charming, Godly man.
Bubbling over with happiness, enthralled by love, flowers, that it's real!
Getting picked up, and a car door opened.
A packed Taste of Thai.
Waiting, standing (in now Painful heighty heels), wobbling, but supported.
Scooting our chairs closer like we're in the cafeteria.
A pair of pink roses and a wealthy card center our table.
Ordering spring rolls because Ben is starving.
Having many "close one"'s
Great conversation about pranks, our parents' Valentine's days, gifts, last minute preparations."
"I love you."
Dim lighting. Delicious Thai food.
A chocolate pyramid for two. No, it was not vegan.
What a wonderful Valentine.
Changing shoes when we got back, and going back to Ben's room to have a Bible Study.
Instead listening to one of my dad's sermons.
Going to bed Happy.
Very Happy.
Happiness that flowed over to today.
Getting a vegan cake heart at breakfast in the caf.
Getting Stella Leona's chocolate hearts in the mail.
Playing piano and singing too loud for my Valentine.
"We are His Portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If Grace is an ocean then we're all sinking.
Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss.
And my heart turns violently inside my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way He loves us."

This is how I feel loved.

blah blah

Sometimes I say what I think.
All the time.
It's like a self narration of my brain map.
Yep.
So sometimes I need to be quiet.

But sometimes I can't think of the things to say.
What are my strengths?
Why do I find myself going back and forth to the same things, and not drawing on variety, the drive of my life?
Now, I can think of so many other things that I have strengths in, or so many more ways to talk about things in better words.
I guess I just felt like there wasn't the greatest connection.
And felt insufficient.
But maybe I just have such high expectations that I cannot attain them.
And I need to level the playing field.
All interviews won't be the best. But I like to be able to smile and laugh.


My body is telling me it's hungry again.
I want to run and I want to be vegan.
What a conundrum.

Music

Have you ever gotten so angry that you could break something, that you could scream until all your breath was gone, and so loud that you hoped that everyone could hear? Have you ever been so sad that you couldn't describe it anymore, that nothing could paint a picture of how you felt, and no one could understand? Have you ever felt so in love that "I love you" just didn't say it quite like you wanted to anymore, that you just wanted to say it better, say it "more" than you ever did before? Life is about love, life is about life, and for me, life is about music. Music is the way that I express when I can't speak it anymore, when my words can't formulate the answer that i desire to say. The way I combine my fingers moving and the air exiting my lungs with vigor, shaping my lips into words fills the synapse of emptiness that I feel when I only say how I feel. When I speak, words can become jumbled, meanings discombobulated, and mispronounced words misconceived. This doesn't happen all the time, but it can, especially when emotions are strong. This is why I write music. I write music so that I can express how I feel, not just through the meanings of the words, but also through the tones of the notes, the chord progressions, minor or major, and how I crescendo and diminuendo.

"Normal"

This was a very interesting paper that I put together for my Abnormal Psychology class. :)

I define “normal” as someone, something, or somewhere that fits into the norms of the society that said someone, something, or somewhere is located. “Normal” can take both positive and negative attributes, because it carries the majority perspective of the dominant culture. In this way, sometimes it’s good to be counter-cultural, or “abnormal”, and be environmentally sustainable. However, in other ways, it is appropriate to be “normal.” Respecting elders, listening when in class are some positive “normal” behaviors that I feel are appropriate to follow through with. In addition, I think that expressing emotion, whether in public or in private, should be a “normal” action and not be considered inappropriate. This is looking at “abnormal” in more of a counter-cultural context, not in terms of behaviors in the psychological context.

            “Abnormal” is often used as a definition when something is out of the ordinary, but no other word can quite describe it. I say “abnormal” when there is murder, but no motive. When there are voices heard, but silence, and when there are characters created, but only in the cognitive fantasy. “Abnormal” is when levels of hormones go too far, and go from creating pleasure to monstrosity, or when blood sugar levels get so low, someone goes from being hungry and weak, to psychopathic. An abnormal behavior is when a rational “question” is met with an irrational response, and no repentance. In this definition, no repentance means, where some people would follow an irrational response with a recognition of their own irrationality, others will forget, or not recall their recognition. This is shown through saying a simple, “just kidding”. An example of “Abnormal behavior” is when artists buy paint instead of food, and chop off parts of their ears to express love.

            I have never been diagnosed with a maladaptive behavior, but I have known people who have. I have relatives who have suffered from depression, and I have an uncle with schizophrenic tendencies and also Parkinson’s. I have lived with my sister who suffered from depression for several years, and I know that symptoms of depression because I have experienced several myself. Knowing that I am genetically disposed for many psychological disorders makes me more aware that there are possibilities for me to suffer from them myself. However, because of this awareness, I find myself even more stubborn to get myself out of any depressing holes that I dig myself into.

            Through my personal experience, I realize that psychological disorders happen to everyone. They exist in every family, though some are more covered up than in the open. I have learned through my experience that the best way to address these disorders is to talk about them, and if one shows tendencies and symptoms, perhaps diagnosis, then, if continuous monitoring requires, medication. People having psychological disorders in secret compounds them into monsters of destruction to the beautiful mind that we are all created with.

            Abnormal behaviors are sticky to define, let alone diagnose. I can think what I want, but in the truth of it is that I use other people as my resources, and it’s a team effort to come to the present conclusions that I create in my mind. I glean for second opinions, and don’t resort to defining people’s oddities to be some life changing disorder. I hope this semester is a learning experience for me, increasing in knowledge and understanding of what maladaptive behaviors are.

Song: "Stand."

God over my fears
Take my hand
Lead me through
This death land
God over my distractions
My misconceptions
Make me dance without burdens
Be my light
In this dark night
Calm my trembling lips
Give me the strength to speak
And take the steps you call me to
On this path made by You

Here I am
Will me to stand
And raise my hands and scream
"HOLY IS YOUR NAME
OVER ALL THE EARTH
YOU MADE!"
You are here
Your mercy is clear
You want to love me
I was broken,
But now I can learn to stand.

Caretaker of my heart
Mold me now
So that I can feel your timing
Busy minds
Distract this temple
Worship becomes obligated
Spark the light
Catch me afire
Burn for all to see
That you are God
You Are God

Spirit of my soul
Breathe in me
Make my empty spaces
Into holy places
Let your wind surround me
Even when my heart is pounding
Lead me to your grace
Taste peace when you say,
"Here you will have troubles,
But take heart!
I have overcome the world!"
YOU ARE GOD!

I'm living above the cafeteria!

So I am now living on campus again.
This is exciting: I can safely say that I won't be unintentionally breaking any EMU rules by spending too many nights in a row on campus, or having to beg people to pay for me to eat in the caf. This feels great, because there is ownership in that.
I actually got to eat breakfast in the caf, and I don't remember the last time I did that. I don't even think I did that very much when I lived in Elmwood, but there seems like no point to not walk down the four flights of stairs to get to the caf when it's right there, and I don't even have to walk outside.
My room is officially starting to feel like home. There is a collage wall right above my bed, which I hope to add to as much as possible.
I paid my balance at the business office this morning, after a chilly walk to the bank to extract all my funds from my checking account. Then someone who knew my family when we went to Lindale (which was in 1996 and 1997, btw) picked me up halfway home and gave me a ride to the Commons. That was cool. I love having Mennonite connections.
When I paid my balance, I felt so blessed. I had enough money, and now I'm all set for this semester. I sent some books for some money and that didn't cost me anything. That was nice.
Now I'm in Common Grounds, spending some time with Katherine, and Mila too, later. It feels weird, because I feel like I should be doing something. I need to be okay with just being. Now that I'm going to be  on campus, there's going to be more "be" time, and I will need to find the places that I feel the most comfortable to do that. There is a wondrous prayer room with a piano in Northlawn, directly below my suite a couple floors. I'm looking forward to having lots and lots of piano time in there.
I'm on a knitting hoodie high right now, and I want to make lots and lots of hoodies for everyone!!!

We love long hair! Why?

Or we love hair that's layered, to our shoulders, the declaration of normal for American teenagers.
High schoolers, college girls, the average is long. Layers. Wear it straight, wear it scrunched, curl it!, braid it.
The latter is the reason I keep my hair long. Otherwise, if I don't have knitting, I get bored and unbearable.
More recently, Marie and I have been thinking about taking the plunge together, to go for a shorter pixieish cut. The more I think about it, the more I can't wait.
I like my curls, they are wavy and fun, but I am starting to get sick of tangles and the flyaways.
It's like a cleansing for your scalp, a weight lifted off your shoulders.
I was going to do dreads. And then shave my head.
I could still do that.
Once spring comes around, and Marie is done with Prom, it's gone.
I'm going to hold true to that promise I made to my hair dresser, that one that began, "one of these days, you are going to get to go crazy with my hair"
Patience is a virtue.
I sometimes love long hair.

I'm knitting a hoodie.

It's true.
I really wasn't going to blog about anything. I just woke up, and I was trying to add someone to follow--all my friends are going on their cross culturals (or are already gone, and most of them are blogging or emailing), and somehow I ended up clicking on the "New Post" button twice. So I decided to post.
I am knitting a hoodie, as the title states and as the first line of the post clarifies.
It looks like Joesph's TECHNICOLOR Dream Coat.
I'm serious. I couldn't be more happy about it.
Considering I have no money for yarn and this is basically all I got (give or take a few skeins) for Christmas in the yarn department, it might be a little while until I get to make another one.
I still have to replace the light on the back of my car and maybe the one on the front too (something happened finals week. There was snow on the ground. That's my excuse)
But anyway. I was going to make this hoodie for Marie. Because we have been talking about it for a little while. But I'm thinking of keeping it for a little while. It is my colors, after all. And it's amazing.
Did I tell you that I fell in love with my hoodie that I'm knitting?
Among other things,
I miss Bekah, Meg, Jamila, Ben, Mike, Andrew, Joanna, Samuel, Abi, Lizzie, Graceanne and so many more people from Kansas, from school, that I don't see very much of. Or when I'm at school, I see them all the time.
But to those of you who are going on cross cultural: Don't think about those of us in America too much, it will take away from the awesomeness of being an alien! Immerse yourself in the language and culture. Relish in your mistakes, learn from your experiences. Take pictures of grand sunsets, deep valleys, high waterfalls. Make friends! Not just with your fellow EMU students, but with those who are native to the country. Be as social as you are at EMU--that's the only way you can learn the language.
Lots of love, mittens, glittens, socks, hats, scarves, and now hoodies,
Grace

and it's me

Caught up in my own mind

Overthinking, desiring perfection

But what is this perfection?

Doesn’t my mind change one million times?

I am my own person

I create Grace on every page

I’m crazy for independence

Outside the box

Spontaneous

There is beauty in plenty

Look left and right up and down

I see it here

Why would I need more than I have-

Is it insufficient?

Is there echoing space of empty?

Swirling lines of patterns drawn

Vibrating notes held out almost too long

Can you breathe now?

Warming toes with homemade socks

Braids in hairs undone, rebraided lots

I am chaos—I am a storming brain

Catch up, catch up, see I’m picking the pace here

I would fly if I’d been given wings

Tumble turning, belt the reason why

I wanna live until I die!!

Slipping falling dancing stalling

Laughing, holding secrets in

This is where it begins.

I’ll tease until I laugh and cry at the same time

Elbow just to prove a point

Scream if I’m surprised,

Tickled pink.

Real laughter comes with a little snort

Accept me,

Expect me to resort

To doing things the hard way

Or being the weird one

I don’t mind playing in snow barefoot

Feeling the cold brings the chill to reality.

It needs to hit home for me.

I mix melody and harmony for fun.

Why should I have to choose only one?

I am variety.

I melt molds of conformity.

Tiptoe into the garden

Eavesdrop on that Everlasting Voice

Bold be Strong, throw your note in

Sing loud, say what you mean

I have peace

I breathe a breath of relief

Stability

Christmas Break

I am driven crazy with the love that I am surrounded by.
The family that I get to spend time with
My peers, my very own academics, theologians, and companions.
There is so much beauty in the crossing of the lines in relationships because we are family.
We can argue/discuss SO many different things, but still get together next year to do it again, in love.

Laughter, being the best medicine, has rid me of negativity.
"Things", walks, showers, meals, runs, helping cook and clean, "Hahahahaha, weird"
Tickle fights with sisters, gas, joking about "spirits" with Grandpa
Discussions with avid thinkers on deep and relevant topics.

It calls me back to my first love: relationship.
Just being together, communicating, touching, relating, laughing.
Teaching younger cousins funny phrases.
Chasing other young cousins around in circles until we're both dizzy.
Swinging on swings like our preteen selves once did.
Reminiscing about the "distance" to the park, thrift store.
Running to Bethel and back with Mom (woowoo)

Doing new things. Welcoming and accepting the cousins who get older and more mature
Planning our future of everyone living together , or at least closer together.
Oh the growth that is happening now, in just a few short days.
I wish we could be around everyone all year round.
Our predestined best friend relatives bring joy, happiness, change.

The first, Ben married off and in love with Maddie, and an Ellie on the way.
Abi, only my age, ink-still-wet engaged to an army boy.
Graceanne in Sweden
Anna to go to Russia or Japan,
Joanna to South Africa or China.
Abi and Andrew back to school for Psychology
Marie for vocal performance to still-who-knows-where
Me, at EMU, for Social Work.

I am
*Loving the curious interest in my piercings
"What's that on your tongue?" --Cousin Katie
"You are so bad!" --Aunt Rachel
*Pondering and treasuring
this time, seconds of giggling, words of potency and beauty and love from my truth filled family's mouths.
*Jesus being a part of the family gathering.
--finding so much more depth in relationships this year
I hope it gets deeper and deeper as we get older.

God is good.

"Please follow your dreams," & Revolutionary Road

If you don't do what you want, follow your dreams, strive after your passions, you end up like April, in Revolutionary Road. Trying to get rid of one thing so significant that it killed you, in hopes of getting back the life that you once thought you had. The life April had in the story wasn't what she'd desired. She wanted to be an actress, she wanted to explore passions, get out of the house, as a parent, and do work, have a job. Her situation changed, her husband's job was promoted and she became pregnant, so they didn't leave for Paris. As the issues continued, there were affairs, declarations of hate, and then a failed self-abortion that led to her untimely death.
In my opinion, the reasons for her demise existed because she subdued herself behind her "I don't want to talk about it"'s. She lived uncomfortably in her little housewife role for too long. Want and desire become biased behind secondary thoughts and dreams as passions, and her real needs weren't met.
--This happens to anyone when we cover our core, empirical selves, with layers upon layers of "if"'s and "perhaps"'s and "someday"'s. These cause irritation to the deepest layer, weighing it down upon itself, until implosion. They make you fight about little things, they make you hold it all in, or spew it all out. They make you do crazy things (that you once thought were crazy yourself, but rationalized it enough that it became reasonable.) in efforts to reach your utopia.
So, instead of all those bad things,
pursue what you are passionate about
take baby steps toward completing your dreams
Don't hold it in or spew it out, have balance.
Talk about it.
Have a firm foundation.