36 1/2 weeks and five to go!

I figured out the hard way during last pregnancy that you go longer than you are patient with. So I have longer expectations this time. Mentally, I am preparing for 41.5 weeks. But of course hoping for earlier than that. 

I know that labor isn't soon; I know my body well. I also know that labor is on its way. My blood pressure is creeping a little, my body is exhausted by the end of the day, and occasionally I get nerves shooting feeling in my thighs. But the Braxton hicks contractions are slow and normal. They show up when I'm working hard to get things done. And when I'm walking, or pushing Naisa around. My womb measured the same as last time. I thought that was interesting. But it makes sense, since its just one baby. I've been waiting for this since we found just one at the ultrasound. 

I don't like mirrors. I like the mirror in our bathroom, but not any other.. They make me feel very round. I cannot bece less round at this point, so I'm thankful I only see myself in our bathroom mirror. I almost didn't fit in a normal persons lawn chair today. That was a surprise, but since I can't deflate my hips right now, I take a deep breath and look forward to the exercise that I do get to do and the fun exercise I will get to do after the baby is born. 

Our farmer gave us a gallon of cream last Monday, and Ben and I have been dreaming about ice cream since. We made some last night, with honey, a vanilla bean, and some egg yolks. Excellent! Especially with the homemade magic shell I put on mine. And it's not too sweet! We reduced the amount of sweetener used (to about half) and it is very satisfying.

Marie has been around everyday since she been here. She came to church with us Sunday evening, ran errands with me yesterday, and came by today to do an interview at a restaurant and also came to our midwife appointment. And then we enjoyed some delicious Ethiopian food at grandma and Grandpa's house. And we sat outside after dinner becaus Naisa wanted to be "out". And she ran all over the yard chasing after na-na until she got tired. We came home and have been relaxing ever since. 

Things I am looking forward to about not being pregnant:

1 Being able to put on shorts/pants without bowling to the floor (talk about a major balance issue being so top heavy!)

2 not having to pee every half hour when I am fully hydrated.

3 being able to lie on my back and still be able to breathe

4 Bending my legs and ankles without feeling the water retention

5 Energy!!! To do things and carry Naisa and not be intimidated by exercise!

6 stop being bored of food.... Not sure if this will happen or not.

7 not being twice as hot as every one else, and needing a fan on me as much as possible

Things you can pray for:

A smooth and safe arrival for baby

Smooth breast feeding. I am reminded of how hard it was when Naisa was born when a mom called our midwife during our appointment because she was having issues. 

 

34 weeks

 I have some quiet time right now, because Naisa is having quiet time in her room--she didn't go to bed at seven last night. Or eight. She went to bed at nine. So she's a crank today. This is her third 'naptime' of the day.

I am drinking lots of pregnancy tea, browsing the internet, and not doing the dishes (it interferes with the naptime!)

The pregnancy tea has helped with the swelling!! For about a week I was getting swollen ankles and feet at the end of the day, pretty badly, and it made moving unhappy. (Generally, moving is unhappy right now, but I have to, so I do). But I started drinking the tea again (no particular reason, besides that it was a good idea), and I have seen a great difference for my legs, my comfort level, and it's good to know.

I made peace with my swelling last week... but now I don't have the swelling. :)
I also got a new dry brush for my birthday (Thank you Ben's parents!). It's stiffer than the one I was using because it's natural fibers, but I like it a lot and plan to use it often once the baby comes (it helps your skin bounce back!).

So I have also been dry brushing in the morning when I wake up! I hope I can keep up with it. I am notorious for having half-habits. Except for taking my vitamin.

I have a couple funny stories from this week.
Naisa emptied my wallet, unbeknownst to me, and I didn't see until she was completely done playing with it and it was just sitting on the ground. (I had placed my wallet in the formerly safe place of the top of the piano). I put all the cards back in and checked to see if any were missing. . . and one important one was... my driver's license!

Since she emptied them all right by the toy box, I put it upon myself to empty and sort through the toy and book box while two toddlers became VERY interested in every toy I was touching... And after a half an hour of searching, I had no luck. Thinking about the $40 (or $20, not sure) price of replacing a driver's license, I continued searching, and finally, as a last resort, I asked Naisa (almost 20 months ~ 1.5 years) "Naisa, find Mommy's card."

Naisa promptly responded, "out" and pointed toward the door to our porch. Figuring that she remembered (because she has a great memory) where she put it, I opened the door to the porch to see the card on the mulch just outside of the porch.

It was a weird morning.

Then today.
I had an ice cream bucket full of compost from last year (think April 2013) that I had left decomposing because I wanted to use it for the garden. Well, today, while playing on the porch, Lily opened the bucket and dumped it's contents out on the porch, then promptly burst into tears. I carried her into the kitchen to wash her feet off (thank goodness nothing on her white (white!) pants). Then I had to dump several buckets of water on the porch to remove the compost and keep the babies from going back outside and keep the liver from burning. It was a hassle.

We had our midwife appointment on Tuesday evening. It was uneventful, just a quick check on the baby, check on the belly. The baby is doing great, still relaxing head down, lots of kicks, and my uterus is measuring 39 weeks, approximately 4.5 weeks "ahead". But it's just one.

It's not *just* a shot: our process in choicing to not vaccinate

I'm sitting at my computer, vitamin C'd up, at 6:43am, because a sore throat made another appearance... and it's graduation for my EMU friends! And I want to go! And I was just sick two weeks ago!

I'm blaming my sugar intake (it increased since my parents left. haha. funny. not funny.), because I have been doing really well with taking my cod liver oil. it could also be the lessening amount of sleep that happens at the end of pregnancy for me (we are 31 weeks now! In the homestretch!). And that Naisa went to the child care at our moms group on Thursday.

I follow a different mom's group on facebook where the moms help each other by providing information about vaccinations (through Pub Med studies, published scholarly studies, etc) so that each mom/dad has an arsenal when people confront them (or want reasons, like an MD might) that they have a delayed or nonexistant vaccination record for their children. This is why I am thinking about this topic this morning. (Happy post easter, btw! He is STILL RISEN! AMEN.)

Have you ever witnessed a circumcision? Or seen a baby been vaccinated? How about as a mother? Listening to a baby scream in pain is something that a mother drops everything for, to run to their child to comfort them. And we, as parents, give our children vaccines because they protect our children, right? That is our innate nature as a parent, to desire protection for our sweet lovely babes.

My husband was "under" vaccinated as a child (he did not receive the MMR shot until he was a teenager) and held an alternative perspective when we were pregnant with Naisa, and I did the research because I had the time to do so, and we also visited an MD who we hoped to hire as a pediatrician, who recommended not to skip every shot, but to get the DTap and Hib shots, as he had seen, treated, and watched children with pertussis and Haemophilus Influenzae type B (that's Hib, in case you were wondering. I had to look it up) who weren't vaccinated suffer from these illnesses. It was well known to me (in my small amount of research) that babies could die from whooping cough.

Influenced by this doctor's opinion (because that is what it is, not mandated law), we chose to give Naisa the shots for DTap and Hib at two months. Ben (husband) came along for this appointment (he was finishing his last semester of school, so he had flexibility), and was horrified/traumatized by the experience. Naisa cried fiercely for a full hour when it was time for bed, and Ben started to notice arm tremors and that freaked him out. It deeply concerned me too.

Although I come from a background where I was fully vaccinated, and appreciated the shots I received as a child/teenager/ and felt much benefit from where modern medicine had come from (I was still very pro-anti-biotic at this point; I had strep throat many, many times as a child. I also had pretty bad reactions to poison ivy when I was younger and got steroid shots for those.) As a child and teenager, I did not know that side effects could be so severe for people (especially very little people). I remember reading the vaccination insert for Hep B when I was in high school, and reading about the side effects that one gets from the shot and thinking that I was invincible to them, that I wouldn't get them. And I didn't--thus the trust in the medical system.

So I was "ok" with the cries from the shots-- at the doctor's office. In my mind they were for the good health of my child. But the next few weeks/months, and that first night, when she took an hour to fall asleep, I was concerned. It was scary for me. I felt like something wasn't right.

Many pro-vaccination-opinionated persons feel that those who are pro-unvaccination are just afraid of the system, out to get their vaccinated kids (um, no), and are just hippies who don't do their research, don't have any real science backing their claims, and don't trust the system.

I started having more fear for the vaccines than the illnesses. What was I injecting in my child? I did more research. I realized I was uncomfortable giving my child something that made her cry for an hour (and for no other reason) and caused her to shake, though having no other affect on her.

I also came to the realization that I wasn't afraid of the illnesses that my daughter could get. I have tools in my arsenal to handle them, and the means to help her body and mine maintain healthy immunity. I have done my research and found that there are other ways to handle being sick than giving antibiotics and other ways to recover than using over the counter medicines. I feel this way especially because of what happens when a body experiences loss of beneficial gut flora through the usage of antibiotics.

Why a healthy pregnancy is different for everyone. (30 weeks)

WBodies are different. We all have different shapes, genetics, places where weight gain migrates. Because of this, I have issues with the one view of mainstream beauty. You know what I'm talking about. 

Super thin, long lean legs, angular bone structure in the face, no bumps of lumps (other than your lovely lady lumps). 

Yea, you say, it's a problem. But I've made peace with that. 

I understand. And then, pregnancy happens. And that happy medium of beauty comfort I found in my 170lb runners frame disappears under 55lbs all in the name of Naisa. 

And then I lose 35. Then ten creeps back on. I'm still feeling good, enjoying exercise and finding a rhythm. And then the rhythm disappears again. And we find ourselves expecting another treasure. I am overjoyed, founded in my own superpower of discipline. The first trimester weighs well. Nausea keeps the appetite away. Then the second trimester throws 25 pounds at me. The goal of less than ... Disappears with a number I told myself I wouldn't pass arriving as I stand I the scale. 

I get off. I get on. Same number. I stand on my tippee toes. Same number. I turn around. It drops three pounds. Surely the scale is broken! I am doing everything right! 

But I still can't fit into the name brand maternity jeans my mother bought for this pregnancy. Because the weight I unintentionally gained in the name of baby love has filled my legs to the rim! No, not just water retention! The curdles of cellulite texture my once smoother legs. A varicose vein peeks through my right knee.

But the appetite slows down! We experience a cold in the house and I wonder (hope) that my weight gain will slow down. Will I make it out of this pregnancy with less than 100lbs to lose? ( from my pre-Naisa pregnancy weight) 

I stop using the scale in the bathroom. (I stopped a long time ago) I start thinkin about my postpartum weight loss plan. I stop looking in the mirror. Which makes It a little discomfort able when I see my reflection on the way to the grocery store (and I'm waddling, which is also new) . And I have ten more weeks. 

I have accepted that I am the woman who gains lots during pregnancy. I know my body is eating healthy things. I am not eating Processed crap or tons of sweets. I am active. Not a crossfit mama or a runner mama. I t-Tapp and walk. But I get it in during the week. I take care of myself. I eat what I need and stop when I'm done. 

And I've come to realize: my body is different than your body. My pregnancy is different than your pregnancy, but a healthy pregnancy is a healthy mama and a healthy baby, in one package. With no blood pressure issues or glucose issues, I accept what I am. I love it. Because a beautiful baby is worth more than a number on the scale, clothes fitting, or a mental health valley, although I still have a bone to pick with the fashion designer that thought pregnancy clothes don't need stretch.

I love me, and I love you, baby.

29 weeks: we all get sick, and a circumcision decision

Naisa got a cold last Monday:  coughs, runny nose, and she passed it on to Mommy first. . . As to be expected. I didn't think it would get too bad, because I've been working on taking  my vitamin, FCLO, and eating pretty clean. But, woe is me , it seems that Ben and I got the brunt of it. We have major nose cloggage and pressure that goes with it. It's very uncomfortable; we have had a lot of trouble sleeping. I think this is the main thing that has made our colds seem to last longer than Naisa's. We haven't been able to nap during the day, like I have mandated Naisa to.

So we are grudging through, looking forward to the end of it. And I'm hoping that I will begin to sleep better. I have been experiencing third trimester insomnia, which I experienced last pregnancy as well. I think that I have had trouble because of the weather warming up, and I only sleep well when I am relatively cool. 

On another note, I have been against the circumcision procedure since we were pregnant with Naisa. I didn't do research on it, mainly because toward the end of pregnancy, we had a name and a feeling it was a girl. This time around, because we had our "twin" ultrasound and met this little boy, we knew that we needed an answer to that question. Ben wanted to circumcise, and had this idea of finding a mohel (traditional Jewish official that performs circumcisions for Jewish parents on the eighth day, at their naming ceremony). We knew it was possible that we wouldn't find one, and since I put Ben in charge of doing that research because I didn't want to do that, he was doing the research. He got excited when h found a Messianic Jewish mohel, only to find out through email that he had retired from performing circumcisions years ago. 

Then a mom through one of my natural blog networks posted a question finding good research on circumcision. And several moms posted links to lectures, videos, and blogs with information. I opened one of them and surprised, found myself watching a lecture by someone I met when I was in DC! 

Naturally, I was intrigued and I listened to the lecture. About halfway through, he showed a video clip, with sound, of a little newborn boy being circumcised. I only watched maximum five seconds of it, because my momma alarm was going off and I couldn't soothe that baby. 

Later, I finished the lecture, but I told Ben about it and he said he wanted to see it. So I pulled it up for him, started the video, and promptly left the room with Naisa so I wouldn't be traumatized.

After that, Ben decided that we weren't going to circumcise. The problem with modern circumcision is that it no longer resembles the Jewish tradition of cutting the foreskin. Babies foreskins were "trimmed", not removed. This is what the modern procedure does: it separates the foreskin from the glans, a VERY painful portion of the experience, and then is cut off, with no anesthesia. Lots of boys fall into shock during this process. And then the newborn has a wound in the most sensitive organ of his body for the first two weeks of his life, exposed to feces and urine. The foreskin actually protects the penis from the diaper contents.

Anyway, I am thankful to have this information, have this decision out of the way.it would have been a challenge to figure out which doctor to circumcise our son, due to the financial situation we are in.

This little baby has been kicking away and is very lively all day long. Braxton Hicks contractions come and go, and are prevalent when I walk. My appetite is way down, and I think thats because of feeling sick. I am looking forward to enjoying eating again. 

That's all I can think about right now. Ben is listening to Ray Comfort, so it's hard to focus. Especially because I'm sick.

28 weeks pregnant, food projects (they never end!) and other stuff!

We are twenty eight weeks pregnant now, in the third trimester (but don't be fooled! The baby is still planning on coming at the end of June!) We had a midwife visit yesterday afternoon, which was good.

My glucose (fasting at 84) and iron levels (12) are great--I had blood work done the same day as the ultrasound. My weight gain has slowed down (as has my appetite! yay!) and I am thankful for this! This baby boy is still sitting breech (so silly!) but the midwife was able to pick up his heartbeat loud and clear with the fetoscope (different that a Doppler. This is a feto-stethoscope, completely manual), in three different places. Around 28 weeks is the earliest you can really use a fetoscope, so I'm glad to hear this. I'm still measuring big (at 32cm), but it's been consistent about 4cm ahead. My blood pressure was great (100/70). I was thinking this might be because of the walking I've been able to do last week and this week. The walking has also helped so much with the leg swelling. My maternity shorts from last pregnancy fit again!

I had some funny food cravings the past few days, so I obliged myself and made homemade potato salad (with homemade mayonnaise from Austrian almond oil), and also baked beans. I've been making a LOT of soups lately, for Ben, because he is supposed to not be eating any grains or legumes (though he may be able to have quinoa and soaked beans this week--we'll see). So I've had constant stock going in the crock pot. My lovely friend Mariah generously gave me a dehydrator, so that has been helpful for dehydrating soaked nuts instead of using the oven. I have yet to dehydrate liver yet (I'm planning on making dessicated liver capsules), but it's on my to do list. Today has less projects. I've been starting a sourdough starter (I had one last year... and it started me on this whole real food thing! So thankful) again, and we are a week in, so I am making bread today. I'm letting it rise all day to see how much it grows (hopefully a lot!).

I planted some green beans and zucchini/yellow squash outside last Thursday and I have some tomato transplants that have been hardening that I'll need to put outside sometime today or tomorrow because they are ready to go (and hopefully the weather will be nice and green!!).

Ben and I will be moving our garden box to the flowerbed soon to plant other things!

I am now feeling hungry again, so I need to get on that. And figure out this supper recipe with the oxtail that has been simmering since yesterday. And see if I have any other tasks. Probably a T-Tapp video.

Poor Naisa is sick (has had a cough/runny nose since Monday) and so she is taking a morning nap. I am hoping for a quick recovery... and I probably need to give her some FCLO. Yummy!! I was getting a bit of the cough too, but I took my FCLO, and this morning I have been fine.

My sleepless periods at night are starting up again. Having to get up to pee and eat don't help, but I'm doing ok. I'm resting in bed, instead of on the computer. I will try to add photos to this later.

Naisa's learnings and some things I think

I'm sitting here, "playing" with Naisa, who has pooped in her diaper and returned to normal.

And I'm waiting for her to voluntarily lay down on the changing pad... She is running back and forth in the kitchen because it makes noise when her feet fall. And walking on her knees is the new thing.

Yesterday we were looking at a book with pictures of food before breakfast, and Naisa said she wanted pizza for breakfast. "Pee-da." We had it for lunch. Except Ben, who is on a strict grain and dairy free diet.

She also said "oran" (orange).

I learn a lot from people. I see a lot about the vaccine debate on facebook because I follow natural-crunchy-based mommy blogs, but also mainstream babycenter. In every attempt I've seen to push vaccines, a fear-based approach is used. Pharmaceutical-sponsored studies are referenced--Why we need this vaccine or that vaccine.. .

But, my problem with these arguments is that all they do is say we need them or we'll die. Our bodies cannot handle these diseases so we *must* get the vaccine. Even though the vaccine is imperfect, and fails for some percentage, is reactive to the body, contains metals

The best approach is not fear based. It is understanding the disease. Understanding what happens when a child gets it--who is more susceptible to severe reactions, and how we can limit the susceptibility. So these are the things that I research. I am not going to voluntarily expose my child to a disease, never! But I am going to have to tools in my cabinet so that if my child comes down with something serious I will be able to work with it.

Sometimes I wonder if vaccines were invented for convenience. People weren't eating the healthiest of diets, so they were more susceptible to adverse reactions. Many of the diseases we vaccinate for now were normal 50-60 years ago. And people made it through them because their bodies were healthy and they were eating a healthy diet (not low fat! not processed!).

So we had milk kefir, egg yolk, avocado, cacao powder and banana smoothies for b-fast/snack.
And I still need to take my fermented cod liver oil. oh joy.

26 weeks and it's. . .

So we had our ultrasound, finally!!
We had a stressful drive to Charlottesville--it was snowing, blowing, and foggy. worst thing ever. Add that we were a little behind on leaving because I had to do bloodwork in the morning and Ben couldn't shower until I got home. And we didn't know exactly where everything was, so we had to follow directions.

We got there, everything was fine, of course. Just a stressful ride.

We went in for the ultrasound, and she took my blood pressure twice--one arm was really high and my left arm was normal. 118/71.

Then the ultrasound tech put the goo on my belly. It rolled right off. And she squirted some more on. It rolled right off.
"What do you have on your belly?"
I didn't have anything…I told her I put tallow on it a couple days ago. Apparently I was super moisturized. and that doesn't happen normally. That was funny, and calmed our nerves just slightly.

So then we finally saw the baby. She scanned around for a little bit, and said what we saw:

"It's definitely just one."

And I was like. Ok, that's fine. Darn. Ok. We can handle that.

Then Ben and I discussed revealing the gender. I said no, he said yes, then we decided to find out .

The technician said she could tell right away, and then scanned now my belly (the baby is sitting breech), and I could tell too.

"I think I see a penis." hahahahah

But that's what it was! A boy.
She said he was measuring a head size-wise (as accurately as they can tell from an ultrasound.) around 2lb 6oz. in the 69th percentile. So right on schedule.

The placenta was up high and looked nice and thick. I just wonder why the heck I'm measuring so far ahead!?!

Then we drove home, stopped to get groceries, pick up Naisa, and we were exhausted. I woke up with a sore throat today. Yay. I swear the only thing that makes me sick now is stress.  I haven't been sick since last year around this time. I'm tired.

Time to make dinner.

The Prego Blues

I have the pregnancy blues. It took less time to reach this point in his pregnancy, probably because I'm more growing so much quicker. We are 26 weeks pregnant. On the cusp of the third trimester. I am worn out!

There are multiple (no pun intended!) reasons for this. Because my womb is already up in my lung space, it is harder to breathe. Then getting up from the couch/floor/bed is a big groan, because all the air is pushed out of my lungs the moment I lean forward. 

My back aches on the right side. In my personal opinion, I think it has to do with the position of the baby on that side. 

I am hungry All. The. Time. Like I just felt another hunger pang. And so, that makes me have to use the bathroom all the time... Not just number 1...

The cod liver oil. This is the grit-your-teeth-and-bear-it thing that I have decided that I will do for the good of the babies and my own health. And the first day was hard. And then it got harder. And then it got easier. I have perfected the swallowing technique: inhale, ingest spoon of cod liver oil, start hugging water, still don't breathe out of nose, shove dry bread into mouth. Begin chewing ferociously. The bread is key. It absorbs the extra saliva that arrives when one has a gag reflex. I chew it until it is swallow able. Then I'm fine. 

The reasons I take this delectable treat (ha. Ha.) are many: optimal absorption of real vitamin D, vitamin A, omega 3 fatty acids, DHA and EPA(I think that's the other one). These things are vital for baby brain growth! And its great for my immunity, so I can remain healthy through this pregnancy. It's one thing to be pregnant with your first child and be sick. It's another thing to have a year and a half year old and be sick. Thankfully I haven't really been sick since before Naisa was born.

Ugh, weight gain. I've already told Ben that if there is only one baby, I'm just one of those women who gains a lot of weight during my pregnancies. But, since I'm convinced its twins, I feel ok about the weight gain... And then it goes straight to my legs. And my pants no longer fit. And I only want to wear stretchy things. This, I feel, I am entitled to, because, guys, during pregnancy, you only get bigger. This is not a weight maintenance time. Don't expect numbers to go down. Thus, a nice quality pair of stretchy leggings will do. The clothing designer who thought that pregnancy clothes should not be stretchy didn't really honk that one through. Bellies grow...so do arms, and legs, and breasts, and hips!

Water retention. So, guess what? This is a normal part of pregnancy. Sitting for too long will make your ankles swell( like a car ride) elevating your legs makes them feel better, but some of the swelling just sticks around until you give birth. Then you have a couple sweaty days and peeing nights (or the just way around), and it comes off.

Varicose veins. Those pretty blue river that adorn your grandmothers legs are now in style to the expectant mother! Due to blood volume doubling, and, you guessed it! fluid retention, veins like to ripple through your outermost layer of skin! The also show up for excess estrogen for non pregnant women. And spider veins.

But! But but but!

Every kick, thump, roll, and punch, is a sweet reminder to enjoy the flavor o this pregnancy. Don't worry, I am.

-Grace

 

26 weeks at Ben's parents' house

The Waiting Game

So, the wait is on... Again

We had our 24 week appointment on Tuesday and my uterus was measuring 30 weeks. We had discussed using the Doppler to possibly hear two heartbeats, so she used two Dopplers, first finding one, then the other, then listening with both to hear for a difference. Two heartbeats were found, one at 125 and one at 152. 

 Then we decided to use the office ultrasound to see if we could tell I there were two babies in there. Apparently it is harder than it looks to peer inside a Uterus when babies start to get big. At first we found a head near my ribcage and then another (facing up!) pointing down, but returning to the first head, it wasn't as easy to find again. We found a hip, but not a head, so it was inconclusive from the u/s. but it's still a 90/10 situation. 

We have scheduled an ultrasound with an obstetrician who the midwives work with consistently and we will know then. I am convinced there are two...my appetite certainly thinks so. And the size of my abdomen plus the amount of kicks I feel daily, and their locations. 

If you are reading and are praying , we'd appreciate your prayers for a couple different things. In the event of twins, you have an ultrasound to heck out a couple things: are the babies in the same sac or different ones. Are they connected to the same placenta or are there two. Hess are important factors because one or the other can raise the risk level of your pregnancy and Require more monitoring.

Pray for babies that are in two different sacs, with two different placentas. And also pray he placenta is nowhere near the cervix, because this can mean automatic c section if the cerci is covered. I desire to do an water birth, if at all possible, with this birth just as with Naisa.

The other thing I have coming up is a fasting blood sugar test. Thankfully I do not have to drink the GMO glucose drink they routinely have at OBs. But I do have to (somehow) make it brought he might without eating, and skip breakfast and have my blood drawn. I do have a plan for that night- seltzer water flavored with freshly  juiced lemon- but every night it seems I need a fourth meal to sleep efficiently.

Blessings.

This is 24 weeks.

This is what bed time looks like nowadays.

Twins?!

A couple weeks ago, I posted on my birth club on Babycenter: where's everyone measuring? An I saw other second time moms who were in similar boats as me, so I had no worries about twins. 

When I was still measuring big at my midwife appointment, and they showed interest, that was the first time I had thought about twins since earlier. But until then I had only had kicks at the bottom of my uterus that I'd been noticing. 

So, when there begun kicks at the top of my uterus, first separate from the bottom ones, then at the same time, I was starting to be convinced. 

And, I popped again. I look much bigger then I did a couple weeks ago. And my appetite is ridiculous. I have eaten 500 to 700 calorie snacks in the early morning because I couldn't make it to breakfast. My belly button is much shallower at this point than it was with Naisa's pregnancy. 

So, although we don't have an answer yet, as in, an ultrasound or even a Doppler, we are becoming convinced. we plan to use the Doppler at our next appointment in mid March as confirmation. With the amount of growth occurring as it is, I won't be surprised. 

And that is mostly uterus. It's like three inches above my belly button.

UGH- Pregnancy Weight Gain

Nobody likes gaining weight, especially in our culture. Especially me, especially because I'm already carrying weight from last pregnancy that I just couldn't kick after Naisa was born (I suspect I needed to do a detox, and was never given the chance between breastfeeding and becoming pregnant again).

But here I am hopelessly hungry in the middle of the night, during the day, all day. I drink lots of water and take my vitamins. I avoid sweet things most of the time. And you can't avoid carbs if you need energy to chase children around.

I just hope it levels out, and I don't gain over forty pounds this time. I gained over fifty pounds with Naisa. 
But, if there are twins, there may not be any leveling out....

New song: Let it Shine

Your Glory shines in the light

Your Glory shines through the dark

May Your Glory shine through me

I am blind, I am deaf. 

I am only a mess

But you still see, You still love me

Hallelujah 

Give praise in this place

Hallelujah

Give glory to Your face

Father, my King

Humble me

In my iniquity

Let me love only Your way

Let it shine, let it shine!

Your love for the blind 

And searching hearts like mine

You are God, You are my vine.

Insert awesome piano ness here. 

We're pregnant again.

Now, we're 21 weeks! Wow. That was fast. :)

I have been feeling kicks a lot more often lately. :) the past few days, especially. They have been all over my uterus, not just in the bottom right quadrant. I am enjoying this a lot! I have lots of energy- I made bread, lactation cookies, and shepherds pie on Wednesday. And then I went to bed at eight. But that's how it goes.

I have continued to workout four to five times a week with T- Tapp. It has been a great workout to do during pregnancy. And not just great because I actually do it, but because it helps with my neck aches from bad sleep and I have had no round ligament pain or hip pain since the middle of the first trimester.Plus, I discovered the exercise called awesome legs, and its helping my maternity pants fit better! I always gain weight in my legs and hips, especially during pregnancy. I am hoping it helps me curb my weight gain for this second half of the pregnancy. With Naisa, it signed thirty pounds after 20 weeks... I would love to gain only twenty more for the rest of the pregnancy. But we'll see. Interesting things have been brewing. I can't wait to see what the next few weeks' growth shows. We are measuring at 24.5 and 25 weeks at our 20 week appt. last week. I asked if it could be because its my second pregnancy and one of the midwives said that in her practices, moms always measured similar to their previous pregnancies. I measured right on with Naisa until the end. 

So I, though not my husband, am contemplating the possibility that we could have twins (EXCITING), we could be due earlier (much less exciting), I could have a large cyst in my womb (awful), or I could just be measuring big. But hmmmm.... I like to think if the other options... Particularly the twin one. 

What an adventure that would be. And I was doing some research of other moms pregnancies and their births, and I realized how much more monitoring that they do during twi pregnancies and births.... 

And of course it bugged me. Twins are not always high risk. 

I personally want to deliver naturally even if the baby is breech because I have a "generous" pelvis. (Naisa was born (pushed 1/2 an hour in the steamy relaxing water bath) with no issues and a "skid" of a tear. She was 9lb 3oz. ) I feel like I could do anything. 

The only reasons I would find it necessary to get a c-section would be a placenta previa, a cord prolapse, and possibly a stubborn transverse baby that would turn. ( and there may be more that I am unaware of, but i am not thinking if them now.)

it's funny it's Valentines day today. I blogged about very different things in the past years. 

So, as we unthaw from the winter storm, take a date break, I am going to treasure up these things. I had a hard time treasuring my last pregnancy, so right now, I'm treasuring my little girl, my husband, and my bouncing womb. 

Blessings on your day!

Grace

A new song; new life

Hello all! I know it has been a good amount of time since I have last written. There have been a few songs, but this is the one that is the newest. It's my first "Christmas" song. And I'm pretty happy about it.

Incredulous love

You came into this world
From a virgin womb
To heal us from our hopeless pain
That we were going through
Comfort and peace of mind
We've found the Messiah
You know you're the truth
You are the only truth

How holy, the Father gave his only son
Because we thought we could handle this life
On our own
How generous to give everything
In exchange for nothing
Incredulous love
For the forsaken
You have saved me

The hope for my existence,
You were there at the start, creating
Whispers of your life's fulfilled promises
Prophets spoke long ago,
and You held out your end of the deal
And you'll do it again
When you come again


And in other news, Ben and I are expecting again. We are 13 weeks tomorrow, due at the end of June. We are excited, and I'm looking forward to the energy or the second trimester and no more nausea!!

Love, the Delplings

Inhibited Joy

It doesn't say un-inhibited joy, if you were wondering.
I've described to two people, a sister and a friend, the feeling of a shadow covering the true joys of the past year and a half. This shadow rains shame and guilt on the beautiful transitions of my life since the beginning of 2012.

There have been so many true joys since then--
Graduating! Getting Married! Being pregnant and giving birth to Naisa! Naisa!

But each is covered with the shame and guilt and is still covered.

Graduation--I had to finish my social work degree with a practicum. It was a bad fit, there wasn't enough work for me to thrive but because I was already covering one secret (being pregnant), it was impossible to share with my male professor that I wasn't being challenged enough, I was exhausted, I was bored, and the things they were asking me to do were exhausting, boring, and didn't match what I wanted my practicum to look like. Things went down hill, and they fired me, and my safe haven of social work was removed (pulled out from under me). My cords of distinction recognition was also ripped away, though i received the actual cords. I graduated with a liberal arts degree, though all my other coursework was completed.

Then I had a job doing childcare for a family that also ended with me being fired. This was awful, I had a car mishap, and I was still very much an "independent" toddler to the work force, didn't do the "right" thing. That hurt a lot.

The hard parts about both of these things are like the fact that I dated and broke up with a boy one year older than me my freshman year of high school--you run into them often. cue traumatic and negative feelings.

Getting married: There shouldn't be guilt for this one, but there is. We were 20 weeks pregnant with Naisa when we got married. I feel negative, not really about that, or the wedding itself, but sometimes I think about what it would have been like for me to experience marriage with just Ben, like all the other newlyweds do, with their sleek out-of-college-using-their-degree-jobs.

It's not that getting married was the hard part, but adjusting to living with each other, and the hormonal side of me wasn't the easiest thing in the world. It was challenging, sometimes it sucked. We had to learn to communicate, even when angry (anyone?)

Being pregnant: Since the beginning of Naisa's pregnancy was a secret, the whole time, I felt like I was holding back, not telling something, lying because I was quiet. Maybe it was because of my degree being taken, maybe it was because I started feeling like a stranger on campus at school, maybe it was because of that verse in the Bible that says, "all things hidden will be exposed to the light." All I wanted was for other people to know and understand everything. My whole situation, my disappointment with myself, my struggles with feeling like this was forced upon me. And I graduated, and the summer went by and then school started again, and I would go on campus to see my friends, to get away from the apartment, and Naisa was about to be born by then, so there were people who stared and people who knew because a friend told them, and I hate! How people talk!.

Naisa was born easily, and I can only thank God for that! But breastfeeding went down the tubes at two weeks, when she wasn't gaining weight. I wish we'd asked for help sooner, not worrying about money. I started pumping and we had to supplement with formula and eventually only a little formula at a time, but it weighed on me. Not that I was a "failure" at breastfeeding (sometimes, not all the time), but the 'woe is me' is kicking in now, as I'm weaning myself off pumping and providing only a small amount of milk per day. I worry about Naisa's immunities and once she gets sick. I just wanted this to be something that we'd do for a long time. if we were breastfeeding, I wouldn't even be thinking about weaning. She still drinks lots of milk as it is.

So the summary of all of this is, lots of things have happened in the last year and a half. Hard things, challenging things. Things that have changed who I am, in good ways, and things that have made my heart heavier. I don't think about them everyday anymore. But some come up-- you know how that works, the memories are triggered by something. Driving past the location where I worked. Seeing people associated with these hardships. Feeling outside and strange to who I was and wishing I'd turned and walked quickly away from the interview I had for my practicum.

So, as each day passes it does get easier. I don't need to feel triumphant and proud when I run into these people that I've overcome (though that would be a nice feeling). I know time heals, forgiveness is a process, but it is an intentional one.

I want to feel joy untamed
Regain the hope that I thought I lost
Feel Jesus' love completely
Surrounding everything
That's ever hurt me
I will survive through every hardship
Joy, untamed. Break it open!

Worship

So I'm reading this book called "the Invested Life", but JOel Rosenberg and it talks about the difference between worship and praise.

Worship is when you praise God for who he is regardless of your circumstances
Praise is when you thank God for your circumstances, and prepare yourself for true worship.
Worship is when you meditate on God's awesomeness with your humbleness.

God is All-Knowing.
You know my heart, my struggles me fears. Thank you God. You know the pain in the hearts of people I know. Love them God! They need you, and you know it and you are already taking care of them. Amen, God! God you know every micro issue that causes people to be different. Thank you God! You can micro manage.

You are an awesome, holy, powerful excellent Father! Amen.

there have been many posts I could have written, but

they were all egotistical, and in reality, any blog post I write soley so that other people can see  my thoughts is self centered. But there's not wrong in processing thoughts, yearnings, and other things.

Recent "blog posts" I have thought of writing include: Why I won't pluck my eyebrows (hint: there are little eyes watching me now), How I need to die to self more, Why this house isn't clean (ok, I made that one up, but I was looking at our living room as I sit on my butt typing).

I will devote a small paragraph to each of these before these thought flicker out, if i can get them out before Naisa has a freak out moment (I'm waiting for her to fall asleep  for nap time, but she might need some more milk).

so what was I going to write about originally? My yearning to travel and do mission work, my desire to have less responsibility (on occasion), and to be less needed). Yesterday Naisa and I were outside getting some vitamin D (20 minutes a day, baby! We're prepping for the beach). and I saw a young woman walking her dogs, in exercise clothing. There was no baby in a carrier, no milk in her breasts, no nap to get back at the end of. All she had to do was walk those dogs, get some exercise herself. She could even run too, if she wanted, because there were not thirty extra pounds hanging out on her hips (not that I cannot run with these thirty extra pounds, it's just harder to do longer distances. right now. when I haven't run since the end of June. yep).

And I was longing for less responsibility. I could get a job. Help other people.

COME ON, GRACE! WHAT ARE YOU ALREADY DOING??

It's a nice poke in the gut to be reminded that this sweet sweet child is my job and the one that needs me the most. If I went to a job elsewhere, I would just want to be with her, longing to be with her while I was gone, anxiety spiking as my chest would get heavy. And I would have other responsibility. Silly me. It's all about me. NO IT"S NOT.

I'm constantly humbled as I try to figure out what I want, what I'm yearning for, and what I think I should be doing. I should be breastfeeding, but we didn't have the gumption to get Naisa's tongue tie fixed in time. I should have lost most weight, rather than maintaining these last eight months. But what are all these things about? Me. Stop. Stop. Stop. 

God knows that I wanted to do these things. He knows how hard it has been for me to pump. He knows how much of a challenge it has been to adjust from being "independent" to being "depended on." But He knows it's GOOD for me. It's for the GOOD WORK that He's doing. Grace, stop being Jonah! Get with the program. Do the work and will of God as He calls you, giving with joy!

I know, I know, I know! There are so many things I wouldn't have been able to experience or do if I had a job, or graduated without a bump in the road, or we didn't have Naisa so soon. These things I HAVE experienced because I have been pregnant, I've been home, I've been in this neighborhood and this apartment. Time with friends, and making new friends, being held accountable and holding other people accountable. Babysitting new people's kids and getting to know them!

I think that I just need to change my attitude and wake up on the right side of the bed (today I woke up angry. I've been praying for peace. it's coming, it's coming.)

I'm stuck on me. I'm stuck on the things I still think I need to do. Maybe I will do them, but they will be done differently than I imagined. And I have new things I yearn to do. But they will be different than I imagined them as well. Like when we travel. We will have one (or more) in tow, coming along for the ride, doing different things than Ben and I would have done just us. When/if we do mission work in another country, it will be different. When/if I get a chance to work at camp again, it will be different.

Different isn't bad, different can be good, but ultimately, different is just different. 

What needs to die? What part of me is worldly and holding on to "dreams"? Dreams that are worldly and desires of success in this world in ways that are not glorifying to God. Fame has been a past dream of mine, with music and songs. I just want to reach people with God's love, but recently I recognized that the music neither needs to bring fame or money to touch people. It's part of giving to receive. Let me bless others so that I can live more abundantly! The more I grow closer to God, the more I see that any dream to become famous can be of Satan, and more times than not it is, because it's about me, it's about what I can do and what I can make, not what God can do and make. If what we're doing isn't prioritizing spreading the Gospel to other people, is it of God? no. No. It's not.

-My worries with my appearance/reading pre-pregnancy weight/exercising everyday--these are all about me, now, not me, later. Does it matter in the long term, as in eternal? no, not really. But as we hone and tone our relationship with God, and it hampers what I do for him, does it mean it could be something I need to pay attention to? Yes, but the most important thing is growing close to Him in the process.

Father God it's hard to be
Strong in You in lukewarm water
God I pray that I would seek
Only your right words to speak

We don't know when is our final step
Or when we'll take Our last breath
But i know for sure where I'll be
if I don't let Christ work in me

So be bold and open your mouth!
God's love is here make sure it's loud!
We are called to reach out
Not enclose ourselves
Are you ready for judgement day?

We've got a path to take
And if we're standing still
All we have is sinking sand
And if we forget
To let God speak
Our tongues will leave malicious streak
Seek His work everyday
Take the focus off of self

Idolatry and today's "goddesses and gods": Celebrities

Have you ever noticed how people obsess about famous people?

From Angelina Jolie being a 'hero' and incredibly publicized for getting a preventative surgery, to reality TV shows super-publicizing the Kardashian's lives, there is no end to the options. If you have digital television, you can watch hundreds (thousands) of tv shows, reality, competitions,and people 'fulfilling' their dreams, all in the name of money.

Social networking, internet, and the media have mega-sized this. Magazines at every store at every aisle. A person can now 'follow' or 'subscribe' to mulitple outlets of information on their favorite people on the internet.

We want to be like them. We want their lifestyles, their clothes, their cars, their money, their bodies, their sex. We want to dance like them, act like them, have noses and lips like them. We crave new information about them, we wait for the updates.

They are our standard. We become "star struck" by them. They seduce us with their words, bodies, their money, and abilities. 

It's just like the Greek gods and goddesses and their mythology. Their narcissistic lives, driven by their human desire. normal people becoming like them with 'connections' to them.

Do normal people worship them? Is this worshipping I think so.

Where is the majority of our time spent? Reading, focusing on the word of God? Building relationships with others to show them Christ?  Where, instead, is our attention and thoughts focused? that CD coming out. That next update. The three word conversations that happen on twitter.

 Whether positive, or negative, so many Americans, even many or maybe most Christians have their weaknesses.

Media is a great way to spread the gospel, exchange encouragement and uplifting information, but it also pulls people away from God. In most situations of media, I find this to be true.

I'm frustrated with how easy it is to be pulled into following celebrities. We have our excuses. "I look up to them." "They are great actors/tresses." "I want to see who wins/what they do next/what they are like as a real person."

What about what God wants, following God's word, listening to God's call and direction in our lives?

Don't let the word of God become irrelevant because you are "living in the now". Let Christ be your now, and always.

A different type of Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day.

This is the first valentine's day that Ben and I have been married.
This is the fist Valentine's Day that Naisa has been here.

So today I got to spend the first part of my day with 15 1-2 year olds reading books, playing, comforting (lots of comforting) at our local moms group. That was a thankful moment for me, that God did not create humans to have "litters" of children. (Amen, and amen.)

Naisa is enough for now. I like the idea of many children at different ages, but not several children all the same age. Twins would be hard. Triplets--I'd have to bring in reinforcements.

Ben and I will celebrate Valentine's day with church friends tomorrow night at a catered dinner at church. Last Valentine's day, we'd just found out we were pregnant and were getting used to that idea. We went to a really nice restaurant in the Harrisonburg area with a gift card. 

This year we were given the gift of child care by my awesome Grandma (shout out to Grandma Peg!) and the gift of tickets by Ben's dad (shout out to Ben's dad!). We are not so free with our money presently--we started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University mid January and now on a (necessary) budget. So Ben's gift to me was two pieces of dark chocolate and mine to him was several well-thought out "I love you because. . ." notes.

How are you spending your Valentine's day.

If you haven't seen Ted Swartz' video on V-day, here it is. Quite funny. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYk2exdeYIc