Today, You're Two!

Dear Naisa,

My sweet treasure, my princess

a little booger 

At this time two years ago I was at the birth center, pissed I had to sit still for my blood pressure, annoyed the birth tub was taking too long to be filled.

 The waves kept coming, intentional, rhythmic, louder, then softer
I moaned, screamed, pushed

And then you slipped out, with troll hair
Big eyes, mouth wide with the first cries
Letting me know you're alive

IT'S A GIRL!
A surprise we "knew" when we couldn't think of a boy name

Naisa

He lifts up, and carries away

God forgives

You were my reminder of redemption, a God who took me back, though the mess I am

What a journey the beginning was.
Learning what was wrong,
not fixing it,
and figuring another way
Your stubborn mama could put the milky treasure into your sweet body

Determined, I was.

Even when you slept through the night, I didn't sitting with my "oxygen tank", hunched over reading real food blogs and birth stories on the internet for half an hour in the dark hallway, the lit bathroom, and eventually the living room of our third apartment in a year of marriage.

Your drooly smiles took away my fears of being inadequate to myself
I loved the way you took it all in with your anime eyes
Pondering, carrying, loving.

Then you started walking
Messes began
We learned how to eat..and how to drop food on the floor.

mommy and daddy blew out one candle for you
And you ate your coconut flour cupcake

teddy, belly button, baby, all pronounced "daddy"

playing with Lily. in and out of cabinets
and the diaper bag
in the racecar cart at food lion
giggling down the aisles
and playing in the pool

playing with McKenny
and his push car

watching Mommy's belly grow and trying to make yours bigger in your reflection on the oven.

requesting to do "dups" in the sink, pulling the chair over

eating yummy pizza made by mommy.
loving roast chicken and salmon.
becoming addicted to smoothies every day for breakfast.

learning what a mess was,
never letting Mommy forget.

bus, truck, car, flower, food "ion",

developing an identity and a temper
Positively benefiting from quiet time in your crib

Loving the time with TeeTee. Playing, Food Lion, running down the hall. Going on walks to EMU and up the Summit Ave hill!
(after Yonah was born, we went for a walk to water plants and we needed to go to Summit Ave (aka a very steep annoying hill). Marie (TeeTee) pushed the stroller and I carried Yonah. We made it to the road that was a block lower than Summit, but still had to climb the hill. But instead of walking on the road, we chose the shorter, steeper route (the kind where you will reach another cardio threshold afteward), and I hike up, arriving first because my load was lighter. We passed a house as we reached the road and there was a woman outside working. We had made eye contact so I told her, "We wanted to go the hard way! My sister is coming with the stroller!"
Confused, she replied, "How did you lose the stroller?"
I had forgotten to mention there was a little person in the stroller. 
She had assumed we'd lost control of the stroller and it had careened down the steep hill.
Marie and I laughed hysterically about that afterward. )

Meeting "baby Onah" in the morning after Mommy and Daddy's "date night"

Dropping a cup on his head.

Watching Mommy "baby, mouth, breast, nana"
and also pump.
"Yonah bottle?"

Mommy being able to say, "Yonah doesn't need a bottle anymore."

Waiting until Mommy put Yonah down for a nap to ask to be "up".

patiently watching your "nap" get packed up and set up again and again
transitioning here

and two.

we love you Naisa Fern 

Riding in the car with mommy

Napping on Mommy

Not everything is happy slappy

Lovely with Daddy

baby bathtime

Holding baby brother

New glasses at Yonah's baby shower!

Trying out Mommy's version of feeding the baby

Naisa's "selfie"

Lots of attitude (and laundry!)

walking on her first birthday

playing with Daddy on vacation

playing with Lily outside

Joyous 8-9months old

1st birthday

a glimpse after a nap

a not so exciting day in the life of Grace

It is now 2:35 pm and Naisa is fussing herself awake from her nap. yay
not.

Yonah, fell asleep so beautifully ten minutes ago snuggle-nursing is occasionally murmuring, but mayhave fallen asleep.

But not if this screaming continues...

but if I get her she'll still be fussy.
Or not. Those are the options.

I guess I'll take the chance. I NEED a sleeping baby!

the routine that follows is to throw everything out of the bed. And if she doesn't do it (and name each thing), I have to.

Now she's bringing everything into the living room.

and fussing.
And it's only for that nasty loved blanket, nana.


My dad is arriving in a little over an hour. I hope we all survive.

TIME TO EAT, NAISA!

Sometimes Life Throws You Screaming Toddlers.

I have to keep reminding myself that I can't do everything on my own.
Sometimes I forget.
And Naisa reminds me.

In a busy market surrounded by hundreds of people,
who don't completely understand.

Why is that toddler crying in the middle of the aisle by herself? "Whose child is that?"

Oh, that's my child. The one who is too stubborn to stand up and walk by herself and can't remember that Mommy is already carrying her brother in a carrier and the soap she bought and the coffee that the sympathizing woman (THANK YOU) purchased for her.

Sometimes na-nuh (the blanket) is dropped out of her hands on purpose and we need to cry about it a couple of minutes before we realize that we can pick it up and move on.

Sometimes we need to do it several times.

Someone offered to carry her for me to my car. But I said it was okay--I thought she would get her act together and stand up and walk and hold my hand and listen to mommy. But she was tired, and a runny nose had started yesterday and clogged last night and she had already had several fits.

I knew Naisa was too far gone when another toddler came up to her and asked her what happened and tried to help her up. That's when I started tearing up.

And again when she refused to stand up and only wanted to be held by Mommy as a very helpful young lady offered to carry her to my car. Naisa wrestled herself out of her arms, SCREAMING bloody murder for na-nuh (who was in her arms) and mommy (who was right next to her). Then the kind coffee lady held my wallet and purchases and walked them to the car.

And then Yonah started screaming as we drove off and fell asleep in the carrier because I couldn't wait any longer to leave before I would lose it. He fell asleep by the time we were on Wolfe street, but I could feel the adrenaline pulsing through my body, begging time to arrive us at home so I could slow down my mind again.

But I didn't get mad. I didn't angry-lose it.

But I did just finish a small bowl of very sweet chocolate chips.
And now I am tired.

Naisa wanted to go outside and I hadn't taken her with me yesterday so I determined that she could come.
I thought about bringing her back inside after it took me fifteen minutes to put the car seats for both children in the car, but she was outside and I didn't want her to have loud fits at home because Ben was sleeping and Grandma had already helped in so many ways.
So I brought her along.
But I didn't have to.

I didn't realize how tired I was until we were surrounded by people and my screaming daughter would not be consoled by anyone but me.

Let this be a reminder for me that I am allowed to make things easier for myself. I do not need to be a people pleaser. I can ask for help.

What's your story? Have you been there? 

We love liver! (And why organ meats should be a part of your regular diet!)

When my mother got a quarter of a cow in northwest Ohio this summer, I asked her to get me a couple special extras. First: LOTS of bones for making broth!! Second: Liver, sweet breads, and I think I asked for a package of brains (It's a delicacy in France!).

via thepaleohygenist.com

This week, I've at my grandparent's house because Ben is away in Lynchburg for training, and I brought up how I wasted to have liver again, and lo and behold, it made an appearance in the menu last night, with creamy mashed potatoes. Naisa, unbeknownst to her, thought it was chicken and ate a good amount without complaint (there was one bite that was too chewy that got spit out, but she was hungry and she ate it! MOMMY WIN!).

I love liver and eat it as often as I make it. Depending on the month, I might have it every week, or I might not have it at all. It just depends on if I'm up to the process! At our house, we thaw, then soak in lemon juice for a day, then cook it the next day. I usually pan fry it, dredged in flour with salt and pepper, and eat it with ketchup and onions, although for awhile I was having it with cold potatoes and yellow mustard, because that satisfied my fancy. When I was in my first trimester, though, I couldn't stand it (just like I couldn't handle fermented cod liver oil.. it was a texture thing.). So I did with out, though I tried several different times to consume it! (Or forced myself to consume it!)

I know what you are thinking.

EWWWWWWWWWW.

That's too bad, though, because the nutritional powerhouse of liver (and other organ meats) is the densest nutrition on the planet. Check out this link comparing fruit to beef liver. To have the same amount of vitamins as only four ounces of beef liver, one must eat 70.9 ounces of fruits (five pounds, anyone? ? )

If that's not enough to encourage you to discipline yourself to eat it, you can always take dessicated liver pills, so you don't have to taste it, but you get the benefits. But you do have to take a lot of them. But if you can't handle texture, I understand.

Grace... that organ filters toxins. So it must be full of them!! Why would you eat such a thing??

Actually, because the liver filters toxins, it doesn't actually contain them (except for the albeit tiny amount the animal may have been filtering at the time of death. But that is not a large amount at all). Animals that are healthy, spend their lives in the sun, outside, eating what God created them to eat will have healthy livers doing a great job of filtering out their toxins. Here's a great description of what the liver does with the toxins. Toxins are passed through the liver, and either sent to be stored in fat cells (another very important reason to eat animals that live happy lives on green pastures!), or passed from the body through elimination (we all know what those are!)

What about cholesterol? I thought we're only supposed to eat a very tiny amount of that? Isn't liver full of cholesterol? 

Did you know that the human brain is mostly cholesterol? So, if we don't eat enough cholesterol, how do you think the brain is doing? (that' s my common sense approach). Also, there is a lot of cholesterol in breast milk for (you guessed it!) your growing baby's brain. Babies need cholesterol. Adults need cholesterol.
Here's a quote about cholesterol from the Weston A Price Website:

"Dietary cholesterol contributes to the strength of the intestinal wall and helps babies and children develop a healthy brain and nervous system. Foods that contain cholesterol also provide many other important nutrients. Only oxidized cholesterol, found in most powdered milk and powdered eggs, contributes to heart disease. Powdered milk is added to 1% and 2% milk." 

You know what we don't need? Trans fats. GMOs. Medicine to "level" our cholesterol levels. Contrary to popular belief (and Time magazine recently reported on this) saturated fat and cholesterol do not cause heart disease. It's the way that food is processed and convenienced and microwaved and ultra-heated and us eating it that causes the arteries to clog and the body to fail. May I even step out to say cholesterol IS ESSENTIAL. Don't put down that butter!

Cholesterol and saturated fat aren't destroying your arteries... eating industrialized oils (think canola, corn, cottonseed, and soy oils), processed grains (like white flour), and processed sugars (think sugar, high fructose corn syrup) cause insulin resistance (aka pre prediabetes), and lead to all sorts of other issues (nutrient deficiencies, sugar cravings, lots of abdominal fat, and eventually the hated heart disease,

Ok, but what about the large amounts of vitamin A in liver? Aren't large amounts of vitamin A toxic?

Liver has lots of Vitamin A (in combination with vitamin D and K2, it's so great for your immune system!) and you are right, too much vitamin A is toxic.. if it's synthetic. Read this section on the Weston A Price website, under the section Vitamin A Knavery.

Other organ meats provide other levels of nutrients and are just as good for you! Organ meats are noninflammatory, which helps level out the inflammatory effects of chronic consumption muscles meats :) (Don't worry: eggs, dairy, and bone broths are also noninflammatory!)

It's recommended by the Weston A Price Organization to eat some organ meats of a weekly basis (not much, though! Just a couple ounces!)

Liver truly is nature's multivitamin.

Do you include organ meats in your diet? Would you be willing to try?

Why we drink Raw milk (And you should too!)

http://www.examiner.com/article/happy-cows-an-illusion

When Ben and I got married, we had stopped drinking dairy milk. I had been vegetarian for awhile (and then when I got pregnant I craved meat, so that stopped), and would drink soy milk (which I shudder about now. Here's why). But we decided to get almond milk and we enjoyed drinking that with our cereal (but I didn't think it was a good substitute in coffee! Nothing like good old cream for that!). We continued drinking almond milk for that and it was okay in smoothies too. We even experimented with making almond milk at home. (This is something I could keep doing. Here's a good recipe!)
But I couldn't kick cheese. There was one Sunday that I was craving cheese (while pregnant with Naisa) and our grocery store was only open a limited amount of time, and I made Ben come with me to get two 8oz blocks of cheese. I think one was pepper jack and one was cheddar. It was so good. :)

But we knew that dairy milk wasn't the best, because the cows weren't happy. Towards the end of my pregnancy I started researching vaccines and came across this article on The Healthy Home Economist. (However, we made the decision about vaccination based on our own experience with our daughter at her two month appointment.) Then life happened, a baby came and a couple months later, i found myself staring at the same website, thinking about homemade formula, as we were supplementing a small amount of formula with the pumped milk I was getting. I didn't like all the ingredients in the organic formula we were getting. As I did my research, it started looking like raw milk was something that everyone should be drinking, as long as it came from a cow receiving grass and sunshine and no antibiotics. These are the cows that don't get sick. Raw milk is a whole food, with all it's fat as nature intended, not like the fat free or even "whole" milk at the store. Raw milk isn't homogenized or pasteurized, contains all it's original enzymes and beneficial bacteria to help the body digest it.

If you are lactose intolerant, you may be able to drink raw milk because it naturally contains that enzyme lactase, to digest the lactose in the milk. It was contains that enzyme required to properly process the calcium in milk. This was the kicker for me. I wanted a food I knew I would absorb calcium from. My husband had seen the documentary forks over knives and they talk about how drinking too much (pasteurized) milk can cause a person to experience osteoporosis. Dr. Mercola also talks about this on his website. And the reason why is because the enzyme in milk that is needed to absorb the calcium is destroyed in the pasteurization process--even for low temp pasteurizing.

We found a farm nearby that had a herd share we could purchase, but it took my husband a visit to his nutritionist to believe that raw milk was good for you. And then we got it to drink, and to make Naisa's formula. Now it is a staple in our home and Naisa (mostly) and I drink it everyday. My husband can have some sometimes, but he still gets a little sensitive to it. (I think he should probably go on the GAPS diet. but that's another story).

But Grace, it's not safe! There could be listeria or e coli in there! First of all, that's not really an issue. Second of all, my friends, this is why you go to the farm you are purchasing from before you sign on and see the milking process, the storage units, the sanitation process. Ask what the cows are fed, how illnesses are treated. We did this, developed a wonderful relationship with our farmer, and learned a lot in the process. (And learned to make raw butter. :))

That, in a nutshell, is why we drink raw milk. For more information, and to find locations where you can purchase raw milk or herdshares, please view realmilk.com

I am Determined to be a Success Story

So this post is something I was thinking about the other week. . .

Now that Yonah is sleeping normal "ish", we are between transitions so Naisa is also behaving better, I am getting to exercise. My mind is in the coreect shape for it this time, as well.

Here's what I mean. My body image esteem has gone through the roof since Yonah was born. Honestly it was breastfeeding that did it. I'm SO THANKFUL for the fact that my body can successfully feed Yonah "from the tap". Pumping was okay, but it was so many extra steps and hurt most of the time and was stressful most of the time. Breastfeeding, and seeing my chubby chubs keep growing is such a feeling of accomplishment. It has helped me (finally) put the importance of being fit, getting to my previous previous weight, on the back burner. But not in a bad way. I am eating healthy, and exercising either a little or a lot every day. But the number on the scale no longer punches me in the face when I see it. I know what it is, and I'm at peace with it.

I am doing an exercise program called T-tapp. It's a no impact workout that uses isometric tension to work your muscles. It helps you align your spine and exercise in alignment and activate many different muscles at the same time. There are many many variations of this workout and I am doing the most basic of all the workouts, called Basic Workout Plus (which is fifteen minutes), and I am (finally) getting started learning the Total Workout (which includes the basic workout, and is fifty five minutes). One of the things I love about it is that instead of in pounds, you measure your progress by your measurements (in inches) going down. This is great because you are building muscle to replace fat and sometimes the scale doesn't change (and thus doesn't show progress) when that is happening.

Another really important thing that I've been thinking about right now is the need for a detox, which isn't going to happen anytime soon, because I'll be nursing for a long, long time. :) But I am sensing I need it, because of all the junk I consumed (like diet soda, low calorie bread, and fat free ice cream, milk, cream cheese; tofu, soy sauce, and various junk food) when I was in middle school, high school, and college. 

Anyway, I am determined to be a success story because I need to be for my own being. I need to feel good on the inside to be the best wife and mom. so I am being active (and I CAN be active because I don't have to pump!!).

The other reason I am being active is this prolapse. Nobody talked to me about this kind of thing when I was pregnant either time, but it is more common than I anticipated. (and I'm glad for that, because I have resources). But t-tapp is good for prolapse because it strengthens the pelvic floor through the various positions held through the workout. Walking is also very good for it. I'm hoping to get this Pelvic floor workout DVD soon called Hab-it, to specifically strengthen my pelvic floor, and the surrounding muscles.

I need to paint with words again

I have spent over an hour this evening reading someone else's blog, thinking but not thinking
about how I feel. I find myself ignoring how I feel, or trying to figure out what my feelings are, because I am so occupied with caring for my little ones.

I'm not sure this is a good thing. I cannot be aimlessly moving through these days or I will wake up one day and feel like I've forgotten my own definition.

What defines me right now?
Motherhood. mother in da hood, yo.

But what else?
Also music, but where is it right now? It's not gone. But it's polluted.. by mainstream songs, not all the time, but some of the time, getting stuck in my head. Where are the uplifting songs--where are my songs? I'm still searching my mind and heart for "the song". The one that defines me and my love of God and my love of my husband and my children. I haven't written "the song" yet. I wonder if I ever will or if I will just keep writing songs per my season of life.

It's been awhile since I've been inspired. The roads have changed, as I have two growing people to carry around and care for. So song writing--just playing to play is on the back burner. I don't like that piano seems like a stranger right now, but it's impossible for it to be another way.

My mind is constantly desiring to be occupied. Am I afraid of what would appear underneath if I would stop occupying it? I'm not sure. I just know that it's an extreme desire to read about food, facebook, natural remedies on the internet. I know I need none of these things. I should be doing, not reading about them.

This constant occupation with other things --using the computer, reading about every other thing, covers up, obliterates, removes my time with God during the day. yes, I read a little Bible on Saturday. It's Tuesday evening, and I haven't read since, and I can't seem to completely clear my mind when I do--there's something else always there, and when I get breaks during the day, there's always something else to do--exercise, computerize, wash dishes, make food, clean. I put it last, even though it should be first, and I should be motivated and encouraged by it during the day. I'm putting half of my energy into it when I do read my Bible. I want to give complete attention and complete surrender, but the only time I have to read my Bible is during the day when the children are awake, or asleep, but I can't completely focus. Or I don't let myself completely focus.

I feel like my mind is absent from everything. I need to recharge, I need to detox.

I need to paint with words again.
Maybe not beautiful at the beginning. Maybe cracked tones and smears, and scribbles, but I need to find the rhythm on my heart to continue to beat, to clear my head and to help me push myself to clarity and to focus on the important things!

Life is full of things that distract, things that are toxic to the soul, and that make it harder to be who you ultimately want to be as a human for your entire life. And so I strive to be the oddity, to try to be the person who can be who I want to be... Am I who I want to be? Not completely, not at this moment. I need to work on changing.

But I have made progress in some areas--after Yonah was born something switched off in my body and the number on the scale didn't matter anymore. For me, my size does matter, but my body's health and how I feel is more important. Right now I am breastfeeding!, something I am thankful for everyday, and since this is my focus, i know that going down in size will take longer and I need to be patient with it. And I am being patient with it, and finding time to exercise when I can.

And now I have blogged seven minutes past my 9:30 pm bedtime.
goodnightall

So far, in Fredricksburg

We have dove in.

It took six long irritating hours to drive from Souderton to Fredrickburg, a trip that boasts four hours, if that, but plagued us with being stuck in five plus miles of stop-go traffic that followed an accident.

Our apartment is very close to everything...just a short highwayish drive away, which makes walking there harder. We are thankful that it is a reasonable distance from Ben's work.

Moving in took no time. Unpacking took a couple days (with small children, something that could take an hour would instead be a day's job, especially with no naps.)

Naisa seems to be transitioning well. It took a couple days of on and off crying for her to adjust. She has her Na-Na and her kitty and her teddy and her babies and her "odr" toys. So she's ok. But it took a lot of patience and yesterday we had a failed outing because she was too upset because I wouldn't let her climb the stairs of a Methodist church on the way to a place to throw the ball.

We successfully found a place to purchase a herd share just north west of Fredricksburg a little bit. We visited their farm on Labor day and it was a great, relaxed, fun visit. It's a (wonderful) mom, her husband, and three rambunctious boys, one of whom is Naisa's age and she, of course, had a blast. When Yonah needed to nurse while we were there, the husband said to me to "pick a couch" inside. It's wonderful to be around people who are so welcoming to nursing a baby. :)

Today was Ben's second day at Lifeway and he's getting the hang of it. I can tell he is energized by the challenge and the place, I think we are both energized by the transition. It feels like a honeymoon--that kind of excitement--the something-new joy... even though we have two little ones, one of which is a handful (now which one is that??). I think I like it because Ben has to get to bed at a a good time to get up in the morning, so we are more intentional with hanging out (whereas when we were at his parent's house on our "vacation" he would be researching Bible passages, and Greek words from Hebrews 12:17 and go to bed in the wee hours of the morning.)

We found a church we'll be attending while we are here, and are hoping to connect to a Life Group while we are here. It's called Calvary Chapel Fredricksburg. They preach line by line out of the Bible and have the nursery and nursing room right by the sanctuary (with a TV and speaker of the sermon!). We love it. And it's five minutes down the road (but everything is five minutes down the road.)

I have been able to start exercising with T-tapp while we were on our "vacation" and have continued to do it since we've been here. I'm looking forward to trying the longer workout. . . when the nap times allow. It has been helping my back pain that has ensued from nursing and and carrying around a 30lb two year old while having a baby in the carrier.

Almost all my attempts to organize have been cadoodled by my Naisa, who dumps over my recipe cards (organized by types of dish) and then gets upset about the mess, and throws all the books on the floor and rips pages (of already destroyed books) apart. Then she destroys more books, and INSISTS on having her ENTIRE basket full of toys in her Pack-n-Play for naptime (and then unloads them out of it before going to sleep. (It's another fun game for a toddler to play!) I have had success putting clothes into drawers (although I think she relocated some of Ben's socks), and managing the kitchen.

I will be chronically behind on dishes for the entire time we are here. There isn't a dishwasher.
Naisa has been eating much better while we were at Ben's parents house and now. The teething irritation must ahve subsided for awhile. Sometimes in the morning it takes her a little bit to get hungry.... and then she gets HANGRY, and I trip to pump as much nutrition into her smoothis as possible (think coconut oil and gelatin along with the milk and banana and strawberries.)

I try to prep dinner while the babies are sleeping so that I can just heat it up in the pot or in the oven once it's time to start. So far (as in, one night) this has worked. And we are getting plenty of practice nursing in the carrier out of pure necessity.)

So far, interactions with our landlady (who we see often because the business is below us and they bring their horse in and out) have been good, although she is very professional and you can tell she doesn't have children. We got internet today, which is a blessing, not having to count MB.
 
When the internet guy came, we had a discussion about Christianity in the American church, and I encouraged him to attend church, because he said he hadn't been in awhile, but because he had a kid (or more, don't know) that he wanted to start going again. I talked to him about the church we had gone to, and also recommended a couple pastors to listen to online (Skip Heitzig and Frances Chan).

So, without further ado, some pictures from a five minute window of my day.

When I wouldn't let her have the camera.

Yonah, ten weeks. Chubby as can be.

As much of a smile as I could catch with my camera's issues.

Because EVERYTHING

The couch in the living room. There is also an entertainnment center across from the couch

Naisa by the front door. Fussing because Yonah couldn't come into the kitchen for one second.

Kitchen. You can't see all the dishes I have to wash. But you can see the table.

Naisa "Cimbed" the chair all by herself.

L to R Ben and I's bedroom, Naisa's bedroom, bathroom

Our set up in the bedroom.

Bathroom. not much to see here.

Naisa's space. The toys are positioned "out" of the bed at the moment.

Look how big!