I need to paint with words again

I have spent over an hour this evening reading someone else's blog, thinking but not thinking
about how I feel. I find myself ignoring how I feel, or trying to figure out what my feelings are, because I am so occupied with caring for my little ones.

I'm not sure this is a good thing. I cannot be aimlessly moving through these days or I will wake up one day and feel like I've forgotten my own definition.

What defines me right now?
Motherhood. mother in da hood, yo.

But what else?
Also music, but where is it right now? It's not gone. But it's polluted.. by mainstream songs, not all the time, but some of the time, getting stuck in my head. Where are the uplifting songs--where are my songs? I'm still searching my mind and heart for "the song". The one that defines me and my love of God and my love of my husband and my children. I haven't written "the song" yet. I wonder if I ever will or if I will just keep writing songs per my season of life.

It's been awhile since I've been inspired. The roads have changed, as I have two growing people to carry around and care for. So song writing--just playing to play is on the back burner. I don't like that piano seems like a stranger right now, but it's impossible for it to be another way.

My mind is constantly desiring to be occupied. Am I afraid of what would appear underneath if I would stop occupying it? I'm not sure. I just know that it's an extreme desire to read about food, facebook, natural remedies on the internet. I know I need none of these things. I should be doing, not reading about them.

This constant occupation with other things --using the computer, reading about every other thing, covers up, obliterates, removes my time with God during the day. yes, I read a little Bible on Saturday. It's Tuesday evening, and I haven't read since, and I can't seem to completely clear my mind when I do--there's something else always there, and when I get breaks during the day, there's always something else to do--exercise, computerize, wash dishes, make food, clean. I put it last, even though it should be first, and I should be motivated and encouraged by it during the day. I'm putting half of my energy into it when I do read my Bible. I want to give complete attention and complete surrender, but the only time I have to read my Bible is during the day when the children are awake, or asleep, but I can't completely focus. Or I don't let myself completely focus.

I feel like my mind is absent from everything. I need to recharge, I need to detox.

I need to paint with words again.
Maybe not beautiful at the beginning. Maybe cracked tones and smears, and scribbles, but I need to find the rhythm on my heart to continue to beat, to clear my head and to help me push myself to clarity and to focus on the important things!

Life is full of things that distract, things that are toxic to the soul, and that make it harder to be who you ultimately want to be as a human for your entire life. And so I strive to be the oddity, to try to be the person who can be who I want to be... Am I who I want to be? Not completely, not at this moment. I need to work on changing.

But I have made progress in some areas--after Yonah was born something switched off in my body and the number on the scale didn't matter anymore. For me, my size does matter, but my body's health and how I feel is more important. Right now I am breastfeeding!, something I am thankful for everyday, and since this is my focus, i know that going down in size will take longer and I need to be patient with it. And I am being patient with it, and finding time to exercise when I can.

And now I have blogged seven minutes past my 9:30 pm bedtime.
goodnightall