His Eye is on the Sparrow

"and I know He watches me."

Last Friday it rained a lot.
A lot is an understatement.
Last Friday the heavens opened up and we had a brief experience of what it would have been like if we missed the ark.

Thankfully, our home was not flooded, but others in our neighborhood were.

Now, Friday, at lunch time, I realized we needed to get milk. We had received a flash flood warning on our phone, but we hadn't had any rain, so that didn't seem very relevant when I was getting Judah and myself in the car for a quick run to the Country Store, about ten minutes from our house.

As I was driving in, it was starting to rain and I noticed a lot of areas that were saturated with water already, which I thought was unusual since we were not getting any rain. Then it started to pour again, as I was still driving toward the store, and I was noticing what seemed to be a lack of good drainage of the streets. And then I drove down an essential road to get back from the store, and saw that the low-lying bridge had rising, fast-moving, brown water under it. And I should have turned around then. But I am pretty hard headed. So on we went, a few minutes to the country store. As we neared it, there was water already overflowing from the drain in place under the road, and water over the road (just a half an inch, but it was there).

Quickly, Judah and I went in, and alas, there was no milk! I still bought cheese, and mentioned to the cashier I would probably have trouble getting home. Bleh. By the time I drove out of the parking lot, the little streams across the road were much higher and as I got to the road I would have turned down, I saw a fire engine turn down that road and I knew that there was no way down that road. So I pulled into a stranger's driveway. And there we sat as the rain poured down. I got Judah out of his carseat so he wouldn't get restless-- and he was Quite happy to climb all over the car. But I was anxious and at the beginnings of panicking because I wasn't sure when we would get home. At this point, it was 2:15 pm. I called Ben to tell him he was right, that I shouldn't have left the house.... and that my phone was dying. And after that call I couldn't respond to any of the messages of calls from him. Then we sat in the car in a downpour for close to an hour. It was still pouring down rain when the owner of the house came out and tried to help me brainstorm a way home, which proved futile; the roads he suggested were closed/flooded. So we ended back at the country store. I went in, bought a snack, and camped out in the rocking chair by the exit. It was ice cold in there, but at least there was food, water, a bathroom, and sweaters to buy if I got cold enough.

There were at least ten to fifteen people stranded there with me--a cluster of old gentlemen, one of whom graciously allowed me to call Ben on his phone to update him on my location (it had been at least an hour since we'd last spoken). A man came into the store in a full suit and tie attempting to get to a wedding in Elizabethtown (just ten minutes down the road). A grandma, mom, and her two kids headed for Hershey Park. A man and his son, who didn't know what town he was in, just that he had gotten off of 283, which was also flooded. Someone who lived half a mile from the store, but the road was closed to get there. A lady came in, also stranded, with updates-- a local trailer park was being evacuated due to flooding. And, oddly enough, an employee talking about how people just don't know how to drive in floodwater. The store manager was lightheartedly planning the night's stay at two employees' homes who lived within a quarter mile of the store.

Because we had left the house in a hurry, I didn't have my diaper bag, I was wearing shorts and a tank top, and Judah was just wearing a onesie. I did have my baby carrier, by God's grace.  The car still had our plug in GPS, but it didn't have live updates for how the roads were.

Eventually, we'd been there an hour or more (around 4:00pm), To quell my worries, I'd (unsuccessfully) shopped for sweaters, Naisa's birthday gift, various flours, and checked to see if they had diapers in stock. They did not.) The store manager looked up and printed a list of closed roads for several people. I took one and looked at it.... and after looking at it some more, saw that the date it was from was September 9, 2011..... from the last time Lancaster County had flooded... Eventually she called me into her office and showed me a map from the waze app (shout out to them!!), where people had posted alerts for roads that weren't just main roads, and all my roads home were still flooded. Then I remembered someone from church lived across the road... or at least someone else from church said that someone from church lived across the road, so I asked if I could use the computer to check. I found someone! I had to Facebook message them to see if they were able-- but they answered right away and invited us over!

I was so relieved! I gathered my things and headed out to the car. I turned on the GPS, plugged in their address, and drove the two minutes to their apartment. Jen and Caleb enthusiastically invited me in and immediately, I relaxed. As I borrowed Jen's phone to call Ben, Caleb showed me his phone charger, which worked for my phone! Judah was so happy to be out of the carrier and walking around, playing with the cat toys, and the games they had available.

They had planned to be at a home inspection, because they were buying a house, but because of the rain, they had to stay home. Out of the blue, Caleb asked, "Do you need diapers? We have diapers!" I looked where he was pointing and saw an unopened box of size 4 Luvs diapers. "Yeah, those came by accident from Target a few days ago."

They were the right size. Jen and Caleb don't have kids. They aren't even expecting a baby. They had absolutely no use for them. God provided for us, a few days ahead of time.

They also had a pull out couch if I needed a place to sleep that night. And they were totally ok with us staying there.

We sat down and chatted. I nursed Judah and he got his sillies out. We laughed and watched the video footage on the news from the flooding. It was absolutely crazy. Main Street looked like a river with rapids at one point. We stayed for dinner and dessert (yum!), and after dinner (7pm), I was starting to think about coming home.

Caleb volunteered to drive around to see how the roads were. (Thanks, Caleb!!) While he was out, Jen and I looked at each other's wedding pictures (which is always super fun!), and by then, Caleb was back and the roads looked fine, although he looked a little wet, (which we found out he had bad luck with a utility truck and closing windows too slowly), but if I couldn't make it home, they told me to come back for the night.

I was still smiling about it when I loaded up my finally tired baby, my block of cheese, my fully charged slider phone, and a box of 144 Luvs size 4 diapers into my car and said bye. Without much trouble (just one spot with water and two easy reroutings) I made it home and ended my evening with an early bedtime.

I give thanks and glory to God for that one! God knew I would need a gracious grocery store staff and a ROCKING chair to camp out in, and a manager willing to let me use the computer. There was someone I knew right across the road-- within my island of not flooded area. There were home and on Facebook the moment I messaged them. They were happy to host us for the night if need be. They had a charger for my phone and for goodness sake's Judah's diapers arrived a few days earlier!

God takes care of the little things in our lives, not just the big things.
We can pray to God for the little things, too.
Not just, "Lord, save me from this flood."
Not just, "Lord, keep me on higher ground."
But also, "Lord, please help me have diapers for my baby tonight!
Please help me be able to charge my phone."

Trust the Lord in the little things.

More Reflections, A Poem

My grief process continues, as it will for my lifetime.
I started writing a poem or something like a poem.

I have this mug that I got from Dad who got it from Anna that says, "Angels in us coffee".
We got it in 2016; when we saw Mom and Dad in the middle of the year, Ben had watched a documentary about Pentecostal Christians and they had a funny way of saying good bye-- "Angels on your body."

So that is how we acquired the mug, which we still have, and is still not broken (Congratulations, Grace). This morning I was drinking (caffeinated (after a month of boring decaf (Swiss water process)) coffee out of this mug, and an image of angels with Mom as she lay asleep at home, waiting to go Home.

As also a way to process a very traumatic event (the day Mom fell asleep and wouldn't be roused), here is my poem.

How we accumulated $100,000 debt in cafeteria food (how we met)

My husband and I were both good kids, enrolling in college and getting our degree on. We were also ready and willing to get those gifts that keep on giving— student debt! Did I think about paying for my school after attending as the best and only option?(sorry Dave Ramsey!) Yes, I did. My parents taught me (in a well thought out way, knowing me as a person) that studies were a full time job and should be treated as so, and to also enjoy the college experience. 

I did my part and got a half-ride scholarship to reduce the debt… and also accumulated 60 college credits before arriving on my first day of freshman year through the FREE program in Ohio called Post Secondary Enrollment Options Program (they probably renamed it by now). Seriously, I took piano lessons at college for free and only paid for (ok, mom and dad paid for) the parking pass. 

I figured that graduating from college with $20,000 in debt was pennies with a full time job and my genetically inclined “make doing” otherwise known as so frugal you don’t buy what you want ever. 

Problem number one with entering college directly after high school. 

High school is not real life. If I wanted any sort of life experience, there was no facilitating of that through my high school, I had to seek it out. I did one job shadowing before college, with my own pediatrician. I liked what I saw, so I thought I was moving in the right direction. (But I didn’t do any other job shadowing…. which I should have). 

I started college bored and antsy in my classes…. too much theory, too little application. I could have used a trade school option for that semester. I really enjoyed my work study job (setting up labs and taking care of frogs for the neurology professor), and I loved my musical extras (Jazz and piano lessons), but I was really enjoying the social aspects of college… friends that live in the room next door? They want to hang out right now? Let’s go for a run! Let’s eat for the seventh time today! 

Eventually I buckled down and got my studies done. I just didn’t enjoy my chemistry and biology classes… which were essential for my Biology degree… to go to medical school to become some sort of doctor… so I did a cross cultural in DC for a semester (which you can read about in detail on the blog !!! from 2010!)

Then I did a summer of service/outreach in New York, and I have honed and toned what I was going to do with my college experience— social work. I’ll be honest— it was either elementary education and social work. and the reason that I picked social work was….. drumroll please…. because I would still finish my degree in three years. I wanted to save money!! (Did one more year really matter that much in the amount I would be paying for loans? Not really. But in the actual events of my life, it worked out much better to graduate in three years… hello Naisa!) Once I started social work, it was definitely what I wanted to do (I could have said that with elementary education though). 

I was ready for whatever the degree threw at me!

Judah's Labor and Birth (September 6th, 2017)

Welcome to Judah Benjamen Delp, my T-Tapp baby!

He was born September 6th (40 weeks and 5 days for me) at 10:08pm, after a six hour labor, pushing for 13 minutes. :) He was 8lb 15 oz, 21.5 inches long, and had a 14.75 inch head! We are both doing great! 

The waiting game really started back in August when I got back from the T-tapp retreat. We were glad to still be pregnant, but now ready for the arrival. 

But 37 weeks passed. 

38 weeks passed. 

I was on the worship team that week. And then we thought, "now the baby will arrive!" 

Nope. 

39 weeks came. 

My dad and younger sister were there that day and we had hoped that baby would come by 39 weeks (like Yonah), but nothing. I made it to my appointment halfway through that week and had my membranes swept. The midwife told me I was 1 cm dilated and about 50% effaced (and still pretty high). 

So then 40 weeks arrived! And that day came and went. :) 

During this time, I kept exercising, baking, tolerating my children and my increasingly anticipating husband who would ask me if I was having contractions. 

 had been having them—but they were painless and that meant nothing… if you have to concentrate to tell if a contraction is starting then it’s not labor!! :P 

Labor day came and went. Then Tuesday was the first day of preschool for the kids, and so I went for a walk completely by myself for 45 minutes at a slow pained pace (my inner thighs had been bothering me for a couple weeks). I had my appointment and I had my membranes swept again (and it was much more uncomfortable this time), I could stretch to 2 cm, but baby was still pretty high. This was the appointment where the midwife tells you to call in when you reach 41 weeks to get your foley bulb placed. I was not excited about this option at all. The membrane sweep made me feel rather crampy, but I was usually crampy at some point during the day (usually caused by the digestion process ;)). I spent a good bit of time on the couch resting that evening. Then we slept through the night. 

Wednesday morning came and we had our weekly mom’s group. Before we went, I used my breast pump for some nipple stimulation. And then I had a random migraine that started and ended at mom’s group— like the aura in my eye (the most annoying part for me because I couldn’t look at people!) and then a dull headache. After lunch, when I went to use the bathroom, I passed some bloody show, so I had it in my head that the migraine came from hormone movement, and I started mentally preparing for that to be the birthing day. 

I didn’t start having contractions until 4:00, but I knew almost right away that they were the real thing because they were accompanied with the achey period feeling that would get more intense. 

Naturally, I decided to make pizza for dinner, because it sounded good! 

My contractions continued as I made it, and I called the midwife with our planned time of arrival, and I told my husband it was baby time. He needed to shower and put gas in the car, but naturally as I pulled some pizza (that I had baked in a glass casserole dish) out of the oven, it exploded all over our kitchen floor, so we (he) had to clean that up first, because I was in labor and we knew it! It was around this time that I told my kiddos that they weren’t going to be able to go to Awana (first night of the year) because Mommy was having the baby. 

They were super mopey and didn’t want to eat their pizza. I hardly ate mine because i was cleaning up glass and laboring. Once our childcare arrived (and I somehow managed to pull off some semblance of bedtime), and Ben had returned from getting gas (and squeezed in a shower), we got in the car (my seat lined with a garbage bag and towel) and left! We encountered no traffic on the way in, but it still took almost 50 minutes. I continued to have contractions that I vocalized through and when we got to the birth center, I had one contraction in the parking lot while we were unloading. We went straight to their exam room (a pre-requisite for getting a birth room— you have to be far enough along so they don’t have to clean a whole room for someone who was in prodromal labor). A nurse (I think her name was Paula) took my blood pressure, followed some of my contractions with a monitor, listened to baby’s heartbeat, and told me what a good job I was doing vocalizing through my contractions. The midwife came in after probably about ten minutes (while Ben was eating his pizza!) and checked me. 

I was at 6 cm, with a bulging bag of waters and +2 (location of baby’s head in pelvis). She asked me then if I wanted my water broken and I decided to wait and see if it would break in the tub. So at 8:00pm we went to our room and I got in the tub! The midwife who was there for our delivery was one of the few I had not met, but she was chipper and kind; so everything was just fine. Ben chose to stay out of the tub this time, bringing me my labor-ade and replacing my cool towels. the tub had jets… I would sometimes turn then on and off depending on the contractions (and how loud i was). Ben also did the music, and sometimes, depending on the song, would moan in harmony. I labored in the tub for almost two hours, slowly moving baby down (every time the midwife came to check heart rate (which was great), she had to relocate the Doppler further and further down my belly and pelvis.) Each contraction was hard, but not as hard as I expected transition to be, so at one point (probably around 9:45), I reached down and could feel that darn bulging bag of waters just an inch inside my vagina, and decided to have the midwife check me and also decided to have her break my waters. I was at 8cm then. 

Once my waters were broken, it was game on—the midwives told Ben to turn off the fan because the baby was coming— and I was in transition immediately and got as loud and low as necessary to make it through. Right before I started pushing, I made one fitful declaration, “I’m so uncomfortable!!” Of course, there was nothing anyone could do about it but me! So I repositioned from a squat to semi-reclined on the side of the tub, and it was pretty much pushing time after that. Very, very soon after pushing started, baby was crowning ( I was feeling the stinging!), and I had to hold the crowning for in between contractions to let him stretch me so I wouldn’t tear. After that, he came very quickly. My core was strong and quite effective at pushing. It was quite easy for me to push—thanks to all my brain to body workouts (thanks, Teresa!) and he was out at 10:08 pm after 13 minutes of pushing contractions. I think I said something like, “Already!” and began talking to baby immediately. He was quite calm, and I was quite surprised that he was a boy (and Ben was elated and pleased). 

My placenta came a few minutes later and I only slightly struggled with the membrane coming out. You have to cough for it. But even that was easier than previous births—despite a deflated abdomen I had noticeably more core strength to cough! I also didn’t get super shaky afterward. The midwives said his umbilical cord was longer than average—they held it out of the tub— quite long (although nobody measured it). Ben cut the cord after it stopped pulsing… I think I would have waited a little longer before putting it but at that point I was too tired and distracted to ask. 

They weighed him at 8 pounds 15 ounces (would have been more if he was still attached to placenta a little longer), 21.5 inches long and a 14.75-inch head (that’s a big head.) When Bonnie the midwife checked me afterward, I only had a skin split so not even a first-degree tear. I felt pretty good— not woozy, blood pressure was great, blood loss was minimal, I walked to the bathroom with assistance (but would have been just fine). No problems with bathroom going. 

Baby Judah wanted to nurse right away and wanted to stay nursing until he fell asleep (and then he did! But me and Ben couldn’t sleep. He was too cold, I was too hot, and the bed (a full size) was too small. We had hourly checks through 2:30am and then we went home. it was quite foggy when we left and we got home at 3:30 am. 

The next morning the kids met Judah! Yonah heard him crying at 6:30 after a bathroom break and asked me what Naisa was doing, “Naisa is sleeping. That’s the baby!” “Oh.” and he went back to bed. Around seven I went downstairs and Elizabeth (our babysitter) was already awake and texting her mom. When the kids came down, Yonah and something he wanted to say to the baby. “What is it?” I asked him. 

With a twinkle in his eye, he said, “Poopie”. That’s true love right there. 

My T-Tapp adventures from the past month! + Reasons to T-Tapp during pregnancy!

I am "full term" on Friday (so I will be 39 weeks). I did some adventurey things in the past month!

 It all started when I shared this photo of myself on the T-Tapp Support page on facebook at the beginning of July.


I was just sharing how thankful I was for having the T-Tapp workout to consistently do during pregnancy. This workout doesn't break your body down, it makes it get stronger without too much muscle ripping. :) (I still get sore and I still lose inches, but my adrenals are not fatigued the next day and I want to do it!)

So I shared it on facebook at the beginning of July, and later that evening, I got a call (on Sunday) from a number I didn't recognize. I thought it was a telemarketer, so I didn't answer, but when I got a voicemail, I obliged and listened to it. It was Teresa Tapp (the creator of the T-Tapp workout) calling me from her cell phone (!), telling me how impressed she was with my progress/results, and that she had a game plan and to call her back. I was shocked and elated.

"Ben! Teresa Tapp just called me!!"
"So call her back!"
"Ok!"

So I called her back and she invited me to come to Florida at the beginning of August to be a part of a  pregnancy-specific T-Tapp workout VIDEO. And to stay for the annual T-Tapp retreat that she held at the local spa hotel.

Wow.

I couldn't believe it.

Ben and I looked at the timing, and originally we thought I would already be 36 weeks and it wasn't going to quite line up. But then. Then! I was Skyping Marie because I was so excited. And she was really encouraging me to make it work and go even though it would be late in my pregnancy. And I looked at the dates again--and I wasn't right-- it was 35 weeks at the beginning of August. So, while Naisa or Yonah talked to Marie, I called Teresa back and said YES I COULD come!

I got my midwife's permission (and blessing!) to fly and then I called my Aunt Rosie and asked her if she wanted to come to be my travel buddy. She said she hadn't planned a vacation and was planning to do so soon and that this was perfect timing.


Then I spend the month of July not getting too excited in case anything would change with my pregnancy. But everything went smoothly! I got a couple emails from Imal, Teresa's publicist, who got my photos and then later emailed me to let me know that I was going to be filmed for the local TV station's T-Tapp Tuesday! So my adventure got even more exciting.

 Look at that photo bomb! On the airplane out

This picture is funny because I am pulling her dress at the waist so it actually has a waist! This is on the way out to the TV studio.

At the end of July Aunt Rosie flew in and the 1st of August, we flew out of our local airport and headed to Tampa Bay! We finally got there around 6:00 and got an Uber to the hotel and went to the cafe and met Teresa and the several people who were also going to be filmed for TV the next day AND the ladies who would be in the pregnancy workout video the next day. It was a big WOW and exciting thing!

The next day (Wednesday) I got up early and had my makeup done.
Then we were off in a limo (!) to the local TV station!

Teresa, Imal (Teresa's publicist), Renee (who had been T-Tapping for 18 years), Alicia (who had lost 40 pounds of menopause weight in four months and kept it off for four years), me (pregnant T-tapp!) and Chantelle, who lost 30 inches in the 60 day challenge and was a Grand Prize Winner, and of course, Aunt Rosie, my personal photographer :).

The interviews went great, we did them all in one take each. And Imal and Aunt Rosie made sure I got to try the maple bacon creme filled donut that was sitting in the green room. (It was quite interesting, and I only had half). We were all super excited/elated/adrenalined by the experience when we got in the limo to head back to the hotel. Of course, when my door unexpectedly swung open when the limo went around a turn, and I casually shut it like it was no big deal, that was quite the surprise as well!

When we got back, we were beginning to prep for the pregnancy workout video! We met the videographers and also did our professional photos for the DVD cover/promos/website promo!
That was fun (and tiring! You really hold it all in when you are doing that!!). Aunt Rosie got me some food during this time (it was lunch time!) and I ate between being needed and also got to chat with Margaret (the pregnant T-Tapp trainer who is the same age as me), Vivian (Margaret's sis in law who t-tapped through her first pregnancy and was part of the first video), and Shannon (Margaret's mom who had seven babies... including the last one at 47.5! and she T-tapped off the baby weight even then!) . They did the instructional workout first, and I took a few pictures and talked with Teresa while they did the workout. Then we started the portions I was a part of-- some with just me and Margaret, and the main workout with Margaret, Shannon, and me. It was long, it was good, we sweated, we giggled, we smiled, and when it was done we were starving and ready for dinner!!

I got the salmon that time, and Margaret and I got a cheese plate! Yum!

Thursday morning, the T-Tapp retreat started! So many enthusiastic people, so much good food. Highlights include
Hanging out with Margaret, Shannon, Dana (one of Margaret's T-Tapp friends), meeting Rebecca,
seeing Aunt Rosie learn to T-Tapp!
working out near trainers who I've only known through facebook,
meeting an Israeli T-tapper and speaking in Hebrew with her (!).
Seeing Teresa give so much love and energy to her students with a full heart.
Seeing a company with the sole goal of helping people better themselves.
Getting a prenatal massage (they had more pregnant security than the airport!)
Getting reflexology on my feetsies.
Getting holy-crap challenged in the standing workouts (I didn't really participate in the floor workouts because I was so pregnant!)
Rocking the Hoedown showdown (and then needing a nap that afternoon)
Losing several inches in my arms, ribs, and hips!
Eating more good food! Loving on people!

Aunt Rosie and I had a great time! it was crazy when Sunday morning arrived. I participated an hour of the morning workout before we got in our Uber to the airport. The security didn't last as long as week expected (we could have waited a little longer). Then we were on our way home. Rosie had to get back checked twice (which was super annoying!), but she made it home just fine, it was just a little overwhelming.

We had received these two huge tote bags of goodies from companies who had sent samples to T-Tapp for the retreat. Becuase I had already packed pretty light, I just decided to really smash my stuff in my bag and check the one with liquids (it turned out to be cheaper than shipping it).

That bag of goodies was gone in a week (save some toiletry items, some hot sauces, and some stevia). And every day I look for them in the snack cabinet because they were SO GOOD. But they saved me money on breakfast and snacks on the plane. And I don't eat that much snacky food, so I enjoyed it!

It was crazy coming home! Benjamen and the kids managed without me. He, in fact, upped the bar for going to the park every day! The kids said almost every day and still occasionally say, "mom, we're glad you came home on the airplane." They said it yesterday when I showed them the TV segment I was in. :)


Reasons to use T-Tapp during pregnancy!
I am now almost 39 weeks pregnant, I am still T-Tapping! It was been a wonderful workout for the entire pregnancy. I am still doing portions of workouts when I feel like it, and yesterday I did a full workout because I felt like it!)

- It has given me great posture (and if not, great knowledge of posture),
- stronger back muscles (I have not had back fat this pregnancy!),
- a WAAAY stronger core (I have subtle oblique lines on either side of my belly!),
- the only time I needed my support belt was when I was having issues with an umbilical hernia in the first and second trimesters),
- I have had NO balance issues (with my second, I had to sit in the last trimester so I wouldn't tumble over putting on shoes),
- I have a method to control my back pain (due to baby's positioning) (it's T-Tapp!!)
- I only started experiencing swelling in the past week (!) and I am also managing it! (Epsom salt baths, pregnancy tea)
- My weight gain has been much more controlled!
- I have had little to no aches and pains this pregnancy and can only complain about the challenge of getting out of bed because my belly is so large. It doesn't hurt, it's just BIG.
- My blood pressure has been ON POINT this entire pregnancy (save the one day I wasn't feeling well, and it was 130/80). I think that's related to my great workout routine!
- I have been able to lie on my back without feeling like I can't breathe. I don't do it for long periods, but it's not uncomfortable unless I put my legs in the air. I contribute this to stronger muscles in my back and abdomen.

Loss and Emotion

I've noticed some different emotions lately. It could be hormonal or it could be grief surfacing in different ways. Either way, my life is coming to a season I know well, but Mom isn't here. Mom isn't here to come when the baby is born, to be joyful with me in this time of new life and that is so hard.

I really want you to be here, Mom!

This time last year the kids went for a week with Mom and Dad in Ohio. Then we did a mini adventure when Marie's choir was performing in NYC. We didn't have a clue what was coming within the next month and a half.

This has been the hardest year of my life.

All we could do was pray for God's triumph over the cancer in Mom's brain. It broke my heart when she started changing and when the kids noticed and made comments. It broke my heart when I had to tell them that she was dying and wasn't going to be here anymore. It breaks my heart now that she won't know this baby earth-side. and that my sweet Yonah probably won't remember anything he didn't see in a video or a picture.

My young Mama fought so hard but her body was too tired.

Pregnancy dreams knock me off my feet sometimes. Often they take alternative routes, the possibles of what could have been. In this one, Mom was alive, her body working, but her mind going. I can't decide which is worse, the body going first or the mind going first. Both are painful, especially so soon. These dreams are vivid and often I cannot sleep again quickly after them. I was trying to figure out where in Wauseon they could put a dog park in Mom's memory.

We listened to Mom's memorial service for the first time since we were there two weeks ago, at the Engle reunion. It sucks to be reminded that she has gone home to Jesus and I'm still here. It was hard for Mom not to be there at the reunion. It's been hard for me that Mom isn't just a phone call away or a days' drive away. Because we lived so far away, it can be easier to forget that she isn't coming to visit in a month. We've got a long way to go before we'll gather at the river together.

I've noticed fears of people close to me dying, especially when they aren't nearby.

My children are visiting Ben's parents right now. The what-if's impale me emotionally and I have to very intentionally give my control to God. But I feel the same way about Ben, who is here with me, and about this baby, who is inside of me still. And I keep remembering that God is in control. His ways are higher than mine and even if I only get so many years with my children or my husband or my sisters or my father, His grace is sufficient for me. But it's so much harder to say that when I have already experienced the devastating loss of Mom.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of his glory and grace.

Pregnancy #3: 30 week update

Besides most family voting that I am having a girl this time (and myself.. I can sleep through the night most nights without a snack, and I am not eating humungous portions! But we may be surprised!), reaching thirty weeks has helped me realize something--how much exercise has SERIOUSLY made a difference. From everything I did from the time Yonah was born to everything I have done so far during this pregnancy, I am stronger, recovering quicker, and I am not complaining about a single thing about this pregnancy.

Random factoids of being 30 weeks:
Sleep is ok most of the time, and good some of the time.
I do not have heartburn (though I didn't have it with my other two) .
I do not have any swelling (I definitely had this with my other two!).
I am losing my belly button (significantly more than I even have).
I can see my oblique lines on either side of my belly (this has never happened).
The other day at the store when I was fetching my shopping cart I accidentally knocked it over (there was nothing in it).. when I realized that it had fallen over, I said "oops!" and then picked it up... with one arm. I think that perhaps the employee walking over to help me with the cart was a bit surprised.
I continue to do twenty-minute to thirty-minute workouts (T-tapp only. I had been walking, but it got hot and I got out of the routine.) on an almost daily basis.
I eat LOTS of eggs (courtesy of my friend Shelah's happy healthy chickens), but I don't have meat every day.
I am still teaching 2 hours of English every week (so I get up early two days a week).
I find myself on my feet for several hours a day doing various tasks (main task: keeping my husband fed!)
I don't "feel" pregnant (uncomfortable, fatigued, heavy, annoyed at everything) most of the day... when we have a hot day, I reach that point a little sooner, and really appreciate that we have an efficient air conditioner for sleeping!
I have gained weight! In essence, my body has grown a 3.5lb-ish human so far! Baby will be packing it on in the next two months (and hopefully I don't! LOL), but it will be ok if I gain some more weight. Because I AM eating healthy. I am exercising and hydrating. I am doing self-care.
I have an appointment today. Looking forward to it!

And there is something VERY exciting in the works for the beginning of August!

Thoughts on adding baby number three

I am focusing on self care post baby.
This us something that could easily become a back burner with two kids who gave needs and schedules and also a husband! (After he goes back to work.) I have been preparing herbal sitz baths, ordered supplements to help with post birth contractions and an herbal /hormone balancing tincture. I have made pregnancy tea that I have been drinking diligently, because it helps with hydration and I call it my happy tea. I have been going through spurts of preparing soups and other foods for the freezer for after the baby comes.
There's no room for "pregnancy brain."
I have a house to keep up with and a kitchen to maintain. My mind is as sharp or more sharp now than before pregnancy. It helps that we now live in our own home and there is peace in knowing. It helps that the kids have their own rooms and space (although they still seem to play right next to me ad much as possible.) it also helps that I don't feel so out of control in my body from weight gain and swelling, I don't have much swelling-- maybe some today since it was 90 degrees in the house before we got the air conditioner fixed. The heat slowed my focus some... and the sleep deprivation caused by the heat. But now all is well and we will sleep loads better tonight.
I cannot push too hard at any point during the day.
I still have to sing the kids to bed. I still have to instruct them to take naps or use the potty... I can't push too hard with exercise or working in the heat because I could become much too exhausted to do much more than sit at the computer or read "the two towers" for the rest of the day.
I need quiet time.
I realized this a bit more last week when I had been drinking completely caffeine free coffee for s couple days, had slept in, but in doing so, had everyone in the family wake up at the same time as me, walk down the stairs with me and talk almost constantly that I realized I was unable to focus or think clearly without one of two things: caffeine or substantial quiet time. I have added back half caff and that helps, but also have been getting up before my family most days?(because I cannot sleep any longer)

Week 28, Preggs #3

My radar for handling any sort of blogging in the past while hasn't been what it used to be. I'm aware of that. Sometimes I'll think of things to write, but most of the time I'm too dry from my emotional processes and to busy being active in the present (and in the kitchen) to think about taking time to write something. But if I make it through this entire pregnancy with only occasional facebook updates about my life then I will regret it in a couple of years when I have forgotten my mindset, and how I handled things.

We are 28 weeks and a couple days here. Still due September 1st. I have gained about thirty pounds, which I consider just fine. I step on the scale at the midwives' office and I am surprised it went up, but not surprised because I know my belly's growing and no other part of my body is shrinking. It's going somewhere! I measure a little ahead, like with Yonah's pregnancy. We have still not had an ultrsound and still do not know the gender. I am happy with that decision because I do like surprises and mysteries!! :) For the record, most of the time I think that there is only one baby, and I think it's a girl. (this is mainly based on my appetite compared to Yonah's pregnancy).

I am happy there are only "twelve" (ish) weeks left... so my maximum weight gain isn't completely ridiculous!! There's only a few extra inches here and there on my legs and hips anyway.... I am SO not worried about postpartum "bouncing back (more like slowly getting up after having a wipeout)". I still have a pair of size 14 pants that I wear places (they are low rise), but as the baby's head gets bigger (and more comfortable in my pelvis, this is getting uncomfortable. My wedding rings still fit, which is saying something, since the possibility of swelling is quite available considering the fact that it's summer. But somehow I have negated swelling so far.

I get the whole summer to be pregnant!!!!!

Isn't that great???

For this reason, my garden contains tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, zucchini, and one squash plant that is either butternut or spaghetti (the mystery!!). I did not want to pick green beans every day. But the exchange of space means there are weeds. That I papered and straw-ed, we will see if this continues to be effective.  . . thoughts on gardening in development clay... I mean soil.... If I have maximum energy and motivation, I will do a green manure (buckwheat then dig it in) in the fall before the frost but after everything is done.  A lot of gardening decisions better next years' garden.

I feel like this is my best pregnancy. I got an ice cream maker for my birthday, and maybe you think that would make me make worse choices... but it actually saves money and makes better choices!! because I have a firm excuse to not buy ice cream at the store--I can make it at home, and I do. My kids like it because it's so good. I like it because I am hot as heck right now and it's a fun alternative to a smoothie.

I don't feel super huge--definitely smaller than when I was pregnant with Yonah. Definitely exercising more, definitely eating very clean and not out of control. I have been drinking my herbal tea very frequently--almost everyday, and it is an excellent addition to my day. It keeps me hydrated and also nourished-- it has raspberry leaf, catnip, nettles, alfalfa, dandelion root, and this time around, chamomile.

We have a great path in our neighborhood for walking around--I can do a mile loop, completely lined with homes and with sidewalk and slow moving cars the whole time. It's great because it's all very close to home the entire time, so I easily can let myself do a mile and go home, no big deal. I love that. I haven't walked this past week, but I do have interest in going when it's cooler!! (maybe at 6am tomorrow...)

Sleeping hasn't always been fun... depending on my activity level, I sleep great, but I'm up at 6 most days and some days way earlier, just because my body wakes up and refuses to return to rest even though I am tired.

I get kicked a lot--there is lots and lots of movement, and some evenings I feel my upper stomach stretching and growing, which is wearying but expected. I will not complain about a single thing! I feel excellent, we have a healthy baby growing, and we are very blessed.

It will be interesting to compare belly shots from Yonah's pregnancy in two weeks, at thirty weeks.

It's hard to put it all into words

Mom's been in heaven for three months and eighteen days.

We said goodbye for now on the first of the year, a little after twelve noon. This was after falling into a sleeping coma three days before Christmas, and being at home in hospice a little less than a week. We cared for her and sat with her, sang to her and cried with her for those last days.

Nothing is harder than saying goodbye much sooner than you expected. Even with the cancer, she had just finished her radiation treatment and we were preparing for an upturn of her health, energy, emotions.

A few days before she went on, we got to see a beautiful phenomenon called the 'burst of energy'. For Mom, that meant she was responding to us some. Still through a tight jaw, sometimes hard to understand, but we heard words, felt hand squeezes, and were able to respond to her needs and not just guess. It is so hard to talk when tears are constant, but we were able to say things that we needed to. I told Mom I was going to miss seeing her so often (she would come visit us sometimes once a month for a day or two), and I was going to miss her help and support, her presence when the next baby came. (We had found out that we were expecting again on Christmas day).

Aunt Rosie came in the last three days and we were able to have her there, to add to the conversation and give us love while we were grieving, and also because she felt it just as strongly as we did. Marie had been home since the beginning of December, and Anna made it home on Christmas day. Ben, the kids, and I made it to Ohio on the day before Christmas eve. We were all there together.

As Easter came this past Sunday. I was hit hard with deep emotion early in the morning, as the sky was lightening with dawn not far away, of Christ triumphantly walking out of the tomb. Of his sacrifice for us, for me, so that death is not the end. I cried tears of thankfulness to our God for the gift of His love to us. We were Chosen to be Holy. We were dearly loved enough for Him to sacrifice his son for our sake. My grief is heavy, but I have our Lord's promise that I will see Mom again. I feel peace, even through tears, that I will see her again.

Thank you Jesus, for your sacrifice.

A Trip to the Car Garage

Today we had to go to the car garage. Our car needed its oil changed. We could do it ourselves, but it costs about the same to get it done by a car technician, so that’s what we do. I had to bring Naisa and Yonah along with me, because Ben, my husband, was working. I was busy in the kitchen when I realized that it was time to go. 

“Naisa! Yonah! Hurry and get dressed!,” I said quickly, hoping my speed of my voice would help the process. However, It had no effect. Despite Naisa and Yonah getting dressed and shoes on by themselves, with bags of toys packed to go, we still had to hurry out the door to get to the garage. Though I prefer to be five minutes early, when we arrived at 9:01, it was still within the range of ‘on time.’ We walked into the office and settled into the two chairs available for those who wait for their cars to be fixed. These chairs sat right next to a water filter, and an older coffee machine.

“Good morning!” I said to the car repairman, whose name was George. 

“Good morning!” George replied. 

“Good morning,” Yonah said to him. Then to me, he asked, “what’s his name?” 

“His name is George,” I said, quietly. 

“George?”

“George.”

“What’s your name?” George said to Yonah.

“I’m Yonah,” said Yonah.

“Yonah, would you like some water?” he asked.

“YES!” Both my children smiled and moved excitedly over to the water filter. George put the cups in the cup holder, backward first, then the right way, and gave each child a cup.

“Only a little bit,” I said. “Be careful.”

Then we settled in for a little while. Naisa had brought along a train which was a source of conflict for Yonah for a few minutes before he settled in with his ‘robot-car’. I decided to do some writing. It wasn’t quiet for very long, though. Soon, there were people coming in and out. 

First, a man came to take the coffee maker (which we found out was broken) out and replace it with a new one. 

“Hi. What’s your name?” Yonah asked him. 

“My name’s Bud, what’s yours?” he replied. 

“I’m Yonah. Look! I have a car!”

Then there was Mark, the other repairmen. He was the one who was working on our car, and so when Yonah showed him his car, he said, “I’m working on a car just like that.”

Because Yonah was interacting with him, Mark had asked Yonah what his name was. 

Quietly, sitting in the chair next to me, Naisa said, “I want him to know my name. Why didn’t he ask for my name?”

Another person, a delivery woman, bringing car parts and other supplies to the shop, popped in three times, dropping off boxes of various sizes for the cars that were being repaired. 

“Hello again!” She said breathlessly, as she entered the shop for the third time, with a third box. “So many stops today!”

When Mark came back into the office area for the second time, Naisa got her wish. “What’s your name?” Naisa asked Mark. 

“I’m Mark,” he said, pointing to his name tag on his work shirt. “What’s yours?”

“I’m Naisa,” she said, with a big smile. 

Another man entered the office, this time to talk to George about scheduling an inspection for his van. Yonah wandered over to him to show him his car, “Look! I have a car!”

“Yes, yes you do!” the man replied, smiling at him and at me. 

Despite the business of the office, the car was finished quickly and we were on our way home before ten in the morning, with plenty of time left in the day for asking strangers what their names were. We left with a “Merry Christmas!” and with two children who now enjoy waiting at the car garage.  

Waiting waiting waiting

We made an offer on a house nearby. They accepted the offer. We had the inspection done. Now we are waiting to do a few more things. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Limbo is a fierce place to be. We don't need to be out of our current place until after we sign for closing.

Waiting. For a dishwasher. and a garbage disposal.
Waiting. For a bedroom for each child.
Waiting. For a first floor exit to a fenced yard.

Mom is starting her third week of radiation and chemo today. But we have still so many weeks left. Everyone is enduring with her. Can't it be December 9th already--when Marie will be home to help and we will be upon the week of closing, When we will have only a few weeks left until Christmas.

When will my Christmas music CDs get here!?!

When will my cravings for packing all be fulfilled and everything in boxes and ready to enter a trailer to our new home?

Anyway.... it's just like waiting for the end of the semester, although I haven't thought about it in that way for many years.

More Stress, More peace

I'm standing here, day-dreaming about our future house. Hoping--hoping that it will be the one with the yard and the basement, three adequate rooms and a dishwasher in the kitchen. Nearby enough that sweet Naisa can continue to do preschool and we can still go to the church community that I have knitted myself into.

I am praying for a smooth transition into a new home. It's time to get out of the rocky sharp situation that we are in now. We have to be out of our apartment by the 3rd of December, for reasons somewhat substantiated, but mostly fabricated by the landlord. This is beyond frustrating and stressful.

We always knew we wanted to buy a house. We even thought about doing it earlier this fall, but then put it off because we wanted to pay for some debt. But then we received a notice, unexpected, because we had found a good balance with our neighbor that is below us, having issues with the children's noise. But yet we received this notice. So we started shopping vigorously.

God is good. I have his peace. I have his strength. And I have His restraint to not allow my mouth to go off, although I should process with someone who has counseling experience. We are choosing to be meek and not weak. We are choosing to allow injustice to happen to us though we could go to court and settle something in our favor. God is good.

Grey. Messy. Purple

My pain is painted gray right now. Gray because it’s monotone sometimes. Gray because it’s a weird middle place that doesn’t have a specific niche to live in. Gray because the brain is gray. Gray because clouds are gray, and clouds bring rain, and we haven’t seen the sun today and I hope we do. Gray because that’s about how much life and energy I have within me to explain to people who don’t know and don’t understand what’s going on with my mom. 

My pain is messy. Most of the time I am emotionally holding it together. But sometimes I’m angry at everything. I start crying to random people that I do not want to know what  i am holding… and then they do. Messy because I am holding it upfront, focusing on it in the foremost so that I have forgotten a couple of things and feel a little off balance (figuratively). 

It’s better than it was. The tumors are out now. But it's not better. It’s not okay. It’s messy. It’s gray. Mom is different. Dad is different. I am different. My sisters are different. The dog is different. We are aware of mortality we hadn’t deemed near a possibility one month ago. But in two days, a month ago, Mom had trouble with balance twice in one day, and our worlds changed. Nothing is the same. 

Healing is purple. Life. Vibrant. Vocal. Smiles. Hugs. Healing is remission. Now I know. Now I know what other people have gone through. And I am hoping for a happy ending. I have faith for thirty more years. God, please give us thirty more years. 

On September 7th, doctors discovered two brain tumors via MRI in my Mom’s brain, in her right frontal cortex. Mom had a craniotomy (brain surgery) removing over 95% of the tumors on September 15th. She recovered well and left the hospital on the 17th. On September 20th, we found out it was cancer—glioblastoma multiforme, a grade 4 cancer of the brain. On the 26th of September, the neurosurgeon told us that Mom has one to two years to live, with treatment. Less than 10% make it past two years. We are praying for thirty more.  

Mom in 2012 with Naisa, three months

So I entered a small singing contest

A quick summary of all the new things.

--It's summer! So garden garden garden, and tan tan tan.

--One of my neighbors moved, so no more chickens, and no more garden buddy, but also quieter.
--My children want to play outside all day long.
--I am on page 72 in my Hebrew Harry Potter book. Slowly and surely I am getting better.

--I started working on learning how to write in Hebrew script/cursive. That's how all Israelis write, so that's how we are writing.

Not my writing but an example!!

--My Hebrew is slowing getting better. . . .
--Yonah turned 2 two weeks ago. He impressed the pediatrician with his correct pen holding position, and his coloring of circles, and also his phrases of descriptive feelings, "That's scary." "I don't like it."
--I started doing pushups a little more than two weeks ago. Because I haven't done them in like.... nine years, and I thought it was about time I do them without my knees. And now they are getting easier and my range of motion is improving.
--My parents came to visit a week and a half ago. We had  a picnic, we watched a movie, Naisa saw Finding Dory with Memaw. We grilled. It was very relaxing.
--Ben's parents stopped by for an afternoon recently, we had a picnic, we went to the park, we ate lots and lots of watermelon and turkey hot dogs.
--I entered a small singing contest, solely based in Lancaster County, called, you guessed it, "Lancaster's Got Talent". (No relation or preluding of America's Got Talent, so I will not be on TV."
I will, however, be on the internet. I was chosen in the top twenty finalists. I went on Friday and was recording singing "I'm leaving soon" (an original song about someone you love passing away, to my own (already recorded) piano track. (This was due to the fact that when I went to go get the keyboard to bring along for the recording, it was ninety pounds, awkward, had no case, handle or wheels, none to be found, and I'm afraid I do have limits to how much I can carry for two whole blocks by myself. . .So we finagled a recording (a decent one!) of just the piano part while we were still at the church, and I performed with that recording. ... anyone who knows me know that we can count on one hand the amount of times I have performed without a piano in the last seven years. So I got comfortable after three times through.)
Anyway, this video of me singing my song will be on the internet for voting starting on July 11th. There will be a two week (or three week) voting period, and then on August 5th, the top ten finalists will perform live at Lancaster's First Friday event. So, my friends, if you are reading this, please take thirty seconds of your time to vote (for 4:15 to see my beautiful singing video!!!), starting on July 11th (so ONLY SIX DAYS AWAY!!!!!!)

From Yonah's 2nd birthday

Cute quotes from the kids.
Ben taught them "it's just the wind" when the door jiggles from the wind blowing through the window. So Yonah says that every day.
"Car... blow aWAY!" Yonah shows his concern everyday about the loss of items from blowing away.
"AsSAUCE" applesauce.......

The loudness of Social media

An you describe the unceasing delivery of unimportant news on social media as noise?

I think it's visual noise. It's not what you are looking for. It's a distraction. It makes you forget what you were doing there in the first place. You watch pointless videos and look through other people's pictures that don't mean an iota to you.

I find more meaning in the "quiet" of a blank screen. A meditative state. You don't find that on the internet. You find that in the real world.

Get off the internet and go find the "quiet" off the internet.

And teach your children to do the same.

Dear Conservatives: Learning to mourn when you are uncomfortable.

I keep reading things about this shooting. It's devastating. It's awfully painful.

As a conservative white Christian, sometimes it is easier to brush off the pain of others, especially those I do not understand.

I don't understand people who are homosexual.
I also don't understand African American people.
Or Hispanic people.
Or people from Asian countries.
Or Jewish people.
Or Muslim people..(et al)
And in my lack of understanding, I note my discomfort in the differences in their cultures to mine. But every last one of these people are PEOPLE.
They are human beings, each has a life that deserves to live.
Each is a child of a mother and father, some are sisters and brothers.

I implore you to not brush off the pain of these just because they are different from you.
Do you have parents?
Do you have children?
Do you have siblings?
If so, you can understand.
Try to understand.
Grieve with the families who lost loved ones.

Life is life. Each person did, does, and will matter.

I also implore you to pray for the people in our country who at this time are being radicalized by the Islamic State.
I implore you, though, not to pray for your safety, because if God wills it, he will provide it.
But instead, pray for the souls of these PEOPLE.
Pray that they would seek God and find Jesus, the Prince of Peace.
Without Jesus, they cannot find true peace, and without Jesus, they will not be in heaven celebrating and worshipping Christ at the end.

"Love your enemies, and pray for the people who persecute you."

Let's not reciprocate hate with hate, and terror with terror.
Let's replace hate with love.
Let's show others how Jesus wanted us to live, even if it means to be meek in the face of terror.
God has a plan for each of us, and our lives are not over until God says they are over.
He has a will for each of are lives.
And God is not done with YOU yet.
God is also not done with people of different religions than us.
Let their ears and hearts hear the peace of Christ upon them. 

Jesus prayed for the people who were crucifying him, saying, "Forgive them Lord, they do not know what they are doing."

Let us also show forgiveness, for true healing.

Forgive the terrorists, guys.

There. I said it.

how making 'perfect' coffee gave me wisdom

I turned 25 yesterday.
My kids work me up before there was light in the sky from the sun starting to rise (must have been before 5, I don't know) By the time it was time to get ready, I was tired, tired of my children, and was in "Is this real life?' mode.

We were out of milk, and I like my coffee with milk, and I wanted good coffee on my birthday! Anyone hear me?? So I loaded my slightly-delusional self and my nutty whiney children into our car and drove the two and a half miles to the farm stand and got my freakin milk.

And I made my coffee the way I like it, with a little more honey than usual ... so like 2/3 a teaspoon instead of 1/3 a teaspoon because it was my BIRTHDAY. And that milk was not stirred before I poured it into my coffee so I got CREAM. cream. creamy cream. in my perfect coffee for my birthday. (And yes, I added collagen to it. but there wasn't anything different about that).

While I drank my perfect coffee, my children wanted to watch a Japanese man yodel about chickens video over and over. And so we did, because I needed to laugh and not be an angry lady on my birthday. :) After about five times through we switched to an adorable compilation from 2014 of both of my children when they were tiny (Naisa 21-22 months, Yonah 1week-1 month). Cuteness! Sometimes you need your sister to record your beautiful memories on her video camera.

As I was thinking about the theme of my birthday--do things that I wanted to do despite my 'circumstances' (my circumstances are not bad/horrible/awful. They are just not ideal!). I decided that I needed to spend more time doing things to better me, and not wearing my energy sources and patience stores down to the ground from my children. I am a determined lady and I want to see change and improvement, but often when nap time rolls around, if the kids won't nap, then I have to figure out when to exercise instead. But yesterday, on my birthday (lol), I realized that even if the kids don't nap, I need a break so I need to take that dang break.

And so I am going to MAKE time to have more exercise. And if my kids are cranky because they were too stubborn to take naps, that's their fault. I will have my alone time. I need to refuel so that I can function!

I am usually a very selfless person, and so that means making breakfast for and feeding/cleaning up/bathing/setting up shows on the computer/ whatever the kids wanted to do before I take care of myself. So that often means a snack breakfast and a snacky lunch (meaning I take one thing out of the fridge, eat it, then another thing, instead of cooking something, putting it on a plate or in a bowl, and sitting down to eat it.

So HERE's to a year of sitting down to plates of food and eating, and exercising more because my body and mind deserves it! And here's to QUIET time even if they are fighting behind that door.

Being a mother

Now I am a mother.
-I parent my children.
-I encourage other peoples children.
-I love other mothers.
Now I feel pain much more clearly.
-I feel it. Your pain is my pain now.
-With great love comes great grief.
-Each day has a few tears for the pain of someone else's loss.
-Now I want to love the pain away.
-Let me love the pain away.
Now I understand righteous anger.
-The mama bear tendency frames and focuses me.
-I want to change situations. I want to care. I want to love. I want to foster
-I want to nourish and love as many people as I can.
Now I am overcome with unconditional love.
-I can't stand my children sometimes, but if they nap too long I worry about them.
-I look at pictures of my kids after they go to bed sometimes.
-What a life we have together.
Now I treasure time and cherish moments.
-Every adorable (and annoying) stage will pass
-I don't want to blink and my children be teenagers and glued to phones
- I will turn off the screen and let my children be my joy and entertainment.
Now I laugh at silly things.
-Every single day has more laughter when we change our attitudes to appreciate it
Now I grow.