Loss and Emotion

I've noticed some different emotions lately. It could be hormonal or it could be grief surfacing in different ways. Either way, my life is coming to a season I know well, but Mom isn't here. Mom isn't here to come when the baby is born, to be joyful with me in this time of new life and that is so hard.

I really want you to be here, Mom!

This time last year the kids went for a week with Mom and Dad in Ohio. Then we did a mini adventure when Marie's choir was performing in NYC. We didn't have a clue what was coming within the next month and a half.

This has been the hardest year of my life.

All we could do was pray for God's triumph over the cancer in Mom's brain. It broke my heart when she started changing and when the kids noticed and made comments. It broke my heart when I had to tell them that she was dying and wasn't going to be here anymore. It breaks my heart now that she won't know this baby earth-side. and that my sweet Yonah probably won't remember anything he didn't see in a video or a picture.

My young Mama fought so hard but her body was too tired.

Pregnancy dreams knock me off my feet sometimes. Often they take alternative routes, the possibles of what could have been. In this one, Mom was alive, her body working, but her mind going. I can't decide which is worse, the body going first or the mind going first. Both are painful, especially so soon. These dreams are vivid and often I cannot sleep again quickly after them. I was trying to figure out where in Wauseon they could put a dog park in Mom's memory.

We listened to Mom's memorial service for the first time since we were there two weeks ago, at the Engle reunion. It sucks to be reminded that she has gone home to Jesus and I'm still here. It was hard for Mom not to be there at the reunion. It's been hard for me that Mom isn't just a phone call away or a days' drive away. Because we lived so far away, it can be easier to forget that she isn't coming to visit in a month. We've got a long way to go before we'll gather at the river together.

I've noticed fears of people close to me dying, especially when they aren't nearby.

My children are visiting Ben's parents right now. The what-if's impale me emotionally and I have to very intentionally give my control to God. But I feel the same way about Ben, who is here with me, and about this baby, who is inside of me still. And I keep remembering that God is in control. His ways are higher than mine and even if I only get so many years with my children or my husband or my sisters or my father, His grace is sufficient for me. But it's so much harder to say that when I have already experienced the devastating loss of Mom.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of his glory and grace.