The Memories the Crisp Air of Fall Brings to me

from my freshman year in high school: love for the blend of sweet ice cream music made in my heart, learning to know new people in marching band, falling in love very uncarefully. 

from my sophomore year of high school, love of soccer, feelings of desperation, unsettledness, unhappiness with where I was and where I thought i should be.

from my junior year joy, energy and motivation to try new things and to show myself I could do new things, flirtatiousness

from my senior year: love of music helping me process my life, dribbling soccer balls to deal with tension in my mind, soccer friends and the expectations I created for myself to do well, period. hoping for one thing, needing another, the complicated natures of being a friend of someone no longer a boy friend.

from my freshman year of college, exctiement of what could be, all the potential I could see in me, the monotony of how some classes turned out. Friendships of iron created. 

from my second year of college: more expectation of excellence, more friendships of iron. More hope for holding relationships together. Them falling apart, and holding onto the friendships of iron.

from my last year of college: love formed on my ring finger, working through engagement drama, beautiful smiles and kind eyes in the girls I lived with, running whenever I felt like it. 

from 2012: wide pregnant belly, the backyard of Evelyn's apartment, cool crisp air as I walked to EMU to see Bridgett, Madelyn, Melody, Meg, Bekah, Jamila. The people whose names I did not know coming up to me and asking about the baby in my belly. Feeling more distance from my friends. A baby being born in the water. Struggles and pain with feeding. Feelings of frustration, anger, depression with bottles, pumps, and social work degrees.

from 2013: feeling the first twinges of morning sickness for a new babe in my womb, watching Lily with Naisa, frequent trips to Food Lion, infrequent trips to EMU.

from 2014: being in Fredericksburg, VA. Staying in a bed n breakfast. Watching the entire series of 7th heaven. Not feeling connected to anyone. The day wrapped around the joy of seeing my husband come home from work. Struggling with transition

now: I have feelings of freedom. I have a nursing toddler. We have conquered that battle. We have a home with people we know and I have friends who care deeply for me and my family. I have mom friends in the same and different places on their journeys. I have a garden. I go outside. I feel the crisp cool breeze and feel content. I crave the pure spiritual milk of Scripture. I no longer have the unsettled stirrings of incertainty, of darkness looming in every picture, I accept my position and role because it now requires more than just feeding. I am building relationships with my children. I keep adding bricks to the house I'm building with Ben. I have space. I have messes that aren't the end of the world. I am putting food away for the winter. I feel the dirt of the earth in my hands, I have felt the life of animals close to me, treasuring their gentleness.  The worst of my battles are fading, and I am thoroughly enjoying my windows of eyes open. 

oh yeah

New Song: Holes, Whole, Holiness

I wrote this song for many reasons. I find myself getting lost in my thoughts and I feel like my mind isn't being healthy. I am being hyper-sensitive to things that I'm thinking about, but these are consuming me, becoming anxiety, stress, worry. Jesus told us not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it self, so the lyrics of this song are my heart seeking God to fill me completely, and to take away my worry.

Spirit, take over
Take over my mind (heart, soul, life)
Remove my thoughts
And my desires

Make clear your will
For my soul
Walk with me
On this path towards light

Will me to seek you
With everything
I have no peace
Without you

You are the only one
Who can fill my holes
And make me whole
With your holiness

Engagement Story--pictures to come!

The Important Events Preceding, and Ben and I’s Engagement Story
Ben came home from his trip around the world on the 28th of July, and then headed to northwestern Ohio, where I had been all summer, working at Sauder Village, recording a CD, and living with my parents and sister. It had been a long, long three months. We were ready to see each other and be with each other.
We got to do a whole bunch of things. He came to and supported me at my CD release concert at West Clinton (the church my parents attend) Sunday night. We went to the zoo on Monday, Sauder Village on Tuesday, and then Wednesday we headed out to Streetsboro, OH, where I was going to have another concert, at the church I attended there for the seven years when my family lived there.
Ben still had to ask my parents for permission to marry me, and we weren’t exactly sure when it was going to happen. He finally set up an appointment with my mom and dad on Tuesday evening before we left. He was nervous as all get out, and I didn’t know that I was going to be a part of the discussion until we were in the sunroom at my house, and we were pouring tea for four people.
Ben started out the conversation: “I love your daughter, I love spending time with her—“
And my dad interrupted him, “Stop for a second, let me ponder that. Hmm. You love my daughter.”
After that pause, Ben asked, “Can I marry your daughter?”
And Dad said, “Sure.”
Ben looked at my mom, and she nodded, smiling real big, ” Yeah, absolutely.”
Ben and I were both expecting some sort of question-answer situation, so Ben was trying to figure out what he would say to these. Thus, Ben nearly peed his pants when my dad stopped him like that.
Then my dad talked about how he was able to watch our relationship this summer as we communicated long distance, and talked about how he’d been praying for Ben this past summer.
But then Dad said, “So you’re the guy that I’ve been praying for all these years.” My father has been praying for, is still praying for, the future husbands of all of us girls, and it’s really cool to think about how before we even met, God knew, God was listening, God was blessing.
The next morning we went to Streetsboro, I had my concert at Aurora Mennonite Church (which was such a blessing, and I’m almost certain that this concert was more significant for me than the first one. And God is good.) Ben and I spent the night at Vern and Dee’s and then we headed out the next morning for Ben’s home. We drove for nearly seven hours, and then arrived at his house. We left for Spruce Lake Retreat, where the Delp family vacation was. We arrived there Friday afternoon, and I started getting reacquainted with the relatives I had met in April (when I had mono), and also meeting some new relatives.
Sophie, one of Ben’s cousins, latched herself to me. I met Ben’s Delp grandparents, (what characters!!). One of Ben’s aunts, Christie (who is Sophie’s mom), situated some of the sleeping arrangements, and we shared a bed in the girls’ room in the house that everyone was staying in.
While we were still in Ohio, Ben and I had decided that we were going to go hiking up the mountain and read Genesis 1 and 2, because that was something that Ben had wanted to do since we had started dating (in fact, on our first date, he was showing me pictures on his iPhone of mountains and talked about that idea). We also decided that we should do it as the sun was rising, so we planned to wake up at 6am the next morning to do this. Thus, we went to bed decently early (or at least I did. Ben stayed up with the guys in the guys room and did a power Bible study before they went to bed.)
Then we woke up really early, Ben had a HUGE bowl of cereal (which was not enough for him), and we set out on our hike. We hiked up the mountain for about an hour. It was pretty rocky terrain, but I enjoyed it and it was good change scenery for me (Ohio has nearly no rocks in the ground, is flat, and there aren’t really ferns growing anywhere). There were ferns everywhere (and I like ferns, so this was nice), and nice peaceful morning noises like waterfalls tinkling, and birds chirping. We got to an over look that showed a view for miles and miles of trees and mountainous terrain. Then we sat down and started reading Genesis, and pondering the creation of the earth, in the creation of the earth. We did some praying and snuggling, and sat in silence for a little while.
Then Ben asked me, “What does love mean to you?”
I don’t remember all that I answered, but I can assure you, it was genuine and true. Then I asked him the same question. He answered statements of truth, promises that had been kept; my heart swelled at his response. Then he started smiling and stopped talking, and I knew something was up.
“And one more thing.” Then Ben got down on one knee, pulled out a mahogany box and asked, “Will you marry me?”
And of course I said YES!
Now the sun had been out when we had hiked up the mountain (we didn’t experience the “sunrise” but we had seen the sun continue to rise, which counts. :D) but then as we continued to be there, some clouds were out and so we didn’t see the sun. Now for Ben, that was pretty important. God has spoken to him in very clear ways with the sun, and so he really did want the sun to be shining, but it was consistently cloudy, right up until he got down on one knee. Then the sun came through the clouds, God’s promise, his affirmation for us.
Then we hiked down the mountain, overjoyed, incredibly in love, and certain that God’s will in our life is for us to be together. Ben made an announcement at lunch to his whole family, and I was overwhelmed with welcoming, acceptance, and love. Ben’s aunt took some engagement pictures for us, and we spent the afternoon calling relatives and close friends.
As far as the date for our wedding goes, we are still working out some logistics (financial things), but very very soon, we will have an official date.
Love you all,
(the soon to be) Grace Margaret Engle Delp (or something along those lines)

New Song! Look to God Alone

This song has a humbling theme for me. It's a reminder of the fact that what I want doesn't really matter. Ahhh. That is such a hard one to over come. But! God is good. He knows exactly what we need AND when we need it. And that is the beauty of His Will! So enjoy. THough I can't afford it right now, I hope to record this one and many others that I have written this summer, in the midst of recording my CD (so I couldn't record them then.).

Seek first the kingdom
For it is not of this world
Lay down your earthly things
And leave them behind
Seek the will of a Father
Who will keep you safe from harm
He is our love, deep inside
Our Holy Satisfaction

Let the Provider fill your need
Seek the one who turns mourning to rejoicing
May his will encapsule your life.
Don't live for people
Look to God alone.

If you have so much pain
It makes it hard to breathe
Come to me and I will give you rest
Let me breathe on you
And give you eternal life
It's love, the Father's will is LOVE!

Let the Provider fill your need
Seek the one who turns mourning to rejoicing
May his will encapsule your life.
Don't live for people
Look to God alone.

Our God has created peace
And overcome the world!

You are GOD ALONE

As I was walking beside the ocean today, breathing in the moist air, collecting shells, praying for patience with an unwelcome cold, the lyrics of this song rang true for me. As the waves, even the small ones, as the surf crashed over my feet,
"You are not a God created by human hands.
You are not a God dependent on any mortal man.
You are not a God in need of anything we can give.
You are God, that's just the way it is."

Not a God in need of anything we can give. But God is God, and does want us, and does protect us.

"You are God alone, from before time began,
You were on your throne, you were God alone.
And right now, in the good times and bad,
You are on Your throne, you are God alone."

And the wind wrapped around me,beautiful shells stood out to me as a walked along the sand,
I dodged one live jelly fish in exchange for an especially beautiful shell. And I kept breathing, and thanked God for his speaking through the ocean.

More Reflections on the Ocean

The connection of waves, and the molecule that make the ocean.
1) It takes several ripples to make a wave, and Many Many more molecules to create the ripples. The more ripples and the long distance to take them, the bigger the impact. And with more energy. God is the driving fore, and we are but wee ripples in the water, but together, God uses the ripples to create an impact upon the sand. And the more of us on the same page, we can make a greater impact, as the driving force of the waves permit. This is a reminder of what God can do with people in unity
2) sand needs to be moist with the Water of Life to be moldable.To be shaped for the will and work of God. Otherwise it falls apart at any notion of attempted shaping. It fills in holes of work that were being dug. There is a need for lots, and many to build a kingdom with God's Will.
3) Sometimes the ocean is frustrating. It dunks you, flips you about, and you get salt water in your mouth. Sometimes it makes you feel uncomfortable, nervous, afraid, feeling uncertain about getting back to shore. Sometimes we rejoice in the ocean, a cooling breeze, and we jump through the ocean, feeling the power of the ocean, and enjoy the surf watering our feet.
As the waves stay the same, always tumbling, moving in a direction, in and out, in a circle, a cycle. The tide comes in and goes out, removing foot steps taken the day before.
4) Watching the sunrise teaches me a lot about the timing of God. You can't slow down or pseed up the sunrise. We can't rewind and replay. And we have to watch the entire time, or we miss something.
You have to be patient. You never know what to expect, and it's sometimes not what you did expect. But it is what it is. It's beautiful no matter what, and if you take the time to listen, it will speak to you. Each sunrise is a painting and glimpse of God's glory, and they are different every day, so keep watching, listening, reflecting. Don't forget to reflect.

Sand

I'm taking a vacation with my family at Cape Hatteras, in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, and I was recognizing the significance of sand, in the circumstance of Go promising Abraham that his descendants would be more abundant than the grains of sand on the earth. Phew. That's uncomfortable.

I say uncomfortable because with the beach comes sand, sand in your hair, sand on your feet, sand in every crevice of your body. And for those of us with more crevices, this gets a little unreasonable to have to rinse off every time we come back to the campsite from the beach. It gets a little annoying, you know what I'm saying?

Th point is, those little Israelites were going to prosper, and there was nothing that was stopping them. They weaseled there way into a lot of good deals, and out of bad deals because they were prosperous (and sometimes into bad deals, like slavery) But that didn't stop them. They still burrowed their way into those little nooks and crannies.

The truth is, we annoy God sometimes, like sand sometimes annoys me at the beach. But the great thing to notice is that sand is moldable. God can form sand into something beautiful--sandcastles, sculptures, and even glass. Whenever people walk through sand, they imprint their foot print upon it. This is beautiful and unique, but it also blemishes the perfect smoothness of the sand that the ocean just created. But God takes those imperfections, and just like a wave of ocean, washes away the blemishes from us.

God erodes away, reshaping our intentions for good. He buries our sins in the sand, in the patterns of his plan painted with the shells, seaweed and sand. God makes things grow out of sand.

God-Water Song

I've been contemplating this one since April. It's been a hot topic since I had a great analogy about how God is like water to humans and the earth! We need it every day to keep living. We breathe it in, we drink it in, we bathe in it, we thank God for the rain. So here it is, or part of it thus far

Pour your unending love upon me
Let the peace flowing from your streams surround me
Your fountain soaks my soul
You make me expand so that I am whole

You are The waterfall
Raining down all around me, cleansing
My walls are falling down
Eroding my false identity
TO make me who you want me to be

You are always around me
I breathe you in,
You fill me with life
The water of life
Without Your mercy I'm cracked and cry
You are all-knowing
You fill the shape of who your working in,
You erode, replenish, build
To fulfill your will

You're my oasis in this desert
You give me energy, you are cooling, relaxing, sweet
May your will hydrate me to keep
Living in this humanity

You take away the shame
I will dance in your rain
You wash away my stain
I will dance in your rain!
You take away my pain
I will dance in your rain
Even when I fall again
I will dance in your rain!

Week Update #2

This is an interesting moment to take in, as I write my update, and listen to the Muslim boys in the basement say their evening prayers. God works there too, and I pray that there is something that will let these wonderful people that God is also a gentle God, is a Father God, and sent His Son Jesus to take away sin. 

The past few days have flown by and have been full of different things that I've done so much that I feel like it's been weeks. And yet I have now been in Queens already and only a week. 

This past Saturday, I spend time working at a Food Pantry. I put carrots and potatoes in bags, and then handed then to some of the people that came to the Pantry. There were people from all sorts of ethnicities. African, Latino, Indian, Chinese, and Korean. Some were homeless, some looked like they were okay. Some looked like they needed this boost. I met several people that time. Pastor Conrad let me in, and he was very kind. There were a bunch of older ladies that were sweet, and very supportive. 

Mark took me to Main St. in Flushing, by the Queens library. There were people from StreetLife who were handing out tracts and talking to people. There was a man who was mad that they were in front of the library and called the cops, who thought that it was completely fine that they were there. Main Street looked like Beijing with all of the signs in Chinese and Korean all over the place. 

I went to the worship practice, and that was really fun, and good. I forgot how nice it was to be on a worship team, and how much I missed singing contemporary songs. It was also a pretty intense moment of worship, and I could feel God moving through all of us. 

Sunday morning arrived, and the service was longer than I'm used to. . that being said, it was still good, but I was losing my attention span towards the end, but God was still working there. 

All week I have been working at the After School Program--using my Spanish and getting better while I work with Denisa (pronounced DayNaysa) to help her comprehend English through my Spanish. It gets better everytime, but is also slightly frustrating when she misses a day. And of course, when I'm tired and can't help some of the kids. 

We have done some very intense planning for our Summer Day Camp. Christa and a very miniscule amount of my assistance made a flyer, and we have had a couple meetings about what we are going to do and have looked at our resources. It looks like we are going to have a trip to Camp Deerpark every week, and on the other days, have a free program in the morning, and a paid program in the afternoons. We are making it highly affordable and it's going to be awesome! (if of course, we get good staff and have enough energy, so pray for that!)

Yesterday when I walked over to Christa's house, I turned onto her street and walked toward a woman and a man who were discussing the large branches that were on the ground beside the car of a commuter and the woman looked at me and looked at me again and said, "You are the spitting image of my niece!" I introduced myself, and then had a bit of a conversation with her. She was very kind. Her name was also Grace, and her home was the place where people seemed to drop off animals that they didn't want... Like a cat lady... (Marie, my sister will get a kick out of this). But the sweet and awesome part is that this woman, when I told her about the program we were planning, said that she wanted some of the flyers to hand out to the working moms that she knew. So that was totally God working there. 

Today I have felt sick. My neck is sore, as is my throat and I didn't really have the energy to work with kids. We went over to PS 22 (Public School 22) and discussed and decided that Daniel, Christa, and I were going to go over to the school during lunch time and associate with the kids. Of course, I saw Ali, who is one of the boys who lives in the basement, and went and sat at his table for a little while. He's really kind, and a good kid. He introduced me to all of the people at the table, and that was fun. I could have stayed there with them for the entire time. It was SO loud in there. 

We continued to talk to Lili, the lady who was enthusiastic about us coming, and she was telling us that she was really encouraged for us to be there. And I felt like God was calling me, especially to be there, and that I could help, and I would love to do that. Though I was feeling all day, during the time I was there, there was some new found energy that God had given me. I just felt called to be there for those kids. The only thing is, the guidance--the example that they really need I can't give to them, because I'm not a man. 

They need male example, someone to be a father figure or a big brother with God in his heart leading him. And not just during lunch time--all day. And only God can bring that. Only God can bring Jesus into these schools. 

Prayer requests:

--That this cold thing will heal before my birthday, which is on Sunday.

--For my wonderful sweet neighbors. 

--For energetic AWESOME high schoolers to staff the day camp

--For the kids in the public schools of New York City, that they would have good examples.

--For energy and encouragement for the staff at the After School Program 

God is Good!

Training at HDC

I was nervous beyond all reason when I left for Harrisburg directly after the Sunday service. I drove through Ohio and Pennsylvania, searching for Christian radio stations, and trying to avoid thinking about the feelings of uncertainty that were dancing through my head. I felt insecure about driving by myself, and was worrying about the money I was spending on gas, and that I would mess up the directions. I couldn't figure out how to turn off the heat either, so I was rather warm.
But at some point on the four hour blur of the PA turnpike, I saw God in the sky. There was a cloud in the shape of an eye, and as the radio station I had currently found played a song of encouragement, I knew that God was with me, that what I was doing was good, and that I needed to stop worrying. I almost cried as I let God fill me up and encourage me. I stared into the eye until I had to focus on the road, but I had a peace about me. God was with me, I was going where he wanted me to go, and that's all I knew.
The egging worry that had been taking a toll on my head and my guts left when I turned into the HDC parking lot, one hour early, and was met by familiar faces. Margaret, Melanie, Jess, Rachel, and Dorrin.
There were two people in GO! training with me--Scott, and Elisa. Elisa I knew from EMU--she was one of  the juniors in the Pre-med program that were a part of the Organic Chemistry class that I was photographing for work study. Scott, who I met for the first time, was only introduced to me once, and I forgot that his name was Scott, and called him Eric in my head.
We played Scattergories, and that was a great way to get to know everyone (that played). I t was really chill, even though when the buzzer "clicked" stop, it was quite obnoxious, and a jumping experience for me more than one time. I won.. because I'm bizarre.
I had decided to just be vegetarian while I was there. It's too hard to educate people on Veganism 101, and then the discussions that ensued for the rest of the training were enough.
Monday morning training was good. It was quite an intense start, but it was still good. We did some prayer for each other--each of us prayed for the person to our left, and I prayed for Jess. We were supposed to ask God what he wanted us to pray for that person about. I had some words, but I had a melody stuck in my head for the part of the time that I was praying for her.
Elisa was going to Peru, and Scott, to Central Asia.
We were told to go on a prayer walk throughout the city, and I decided that I didn't want to walk around without a bag to pick up trash, so I brought a trash bag and picked up trash while I was walking. Twise people asked me if I was doing Community Service, one man asked me what "staff" I was with Convention, and one guy, all these people were sitting on their porches, said, "God loves you and I do too!"
The irony of it all is that later in the day, we went for community outreach, and we picked up trash, which was a group activity. It was more solemn as a group.
We had some reading assignments--and I walked up to the prayer room to do mine later in the evening, and Scott was already there, but the shade was open so I joined him. In an English accent, I told him I had a timepiece. (also known as my cell phone), so we went down stairs for supper at the right time.
Jamila, Taylor, and Tyler were all at HDC on Monday and part of Tuesday. They were working on some social outreach things, and so it was really cool for them to be there. I hadn't seen them all semester. Jamila braided my hair, and we got to hang out with them.
I was thoroughly enjoying helping wash dishes, and was helping put some away after dinner, when Dorrin thought that it would be a good idea to leave the silverware container out to put the dried silverware in, but he couldn't remember my name so he said, "Female!" and then apologized profusely...
Tuesday began with some great sessions. Chris led the session on Humility and it was a really great, rather informing session. Later, Ryan Showalter showed up and did another session on Why Missions. And informed me on some stuff about Queens, which was great--more information. Then we had a session with Clair Good about Contextualized something or other. He knew more about me and my parents and sisters than I knew about him.. It's always interesting when those things happen. He talked about how it's important to look for Christ in every situation, and when we witness to people, it shouldn't be to witness for God, it's God witnessing through us.
But that was a great session.
And then they sent us out on an "Evangelism Plunge", which was to go out and meet a person and have a meaningful conversation with them. We went as a group, and walked down Derry Street, and turned onto 17th street, and walked past this man, who Scott asked where the pharmacy was, and then we struck up conversation with him. We talked about where he'd been and where we'd bene and what his family was like and what he was doing now, and he brought us over to the pizza place where he worked and gave us pizza, which was sooo good and we continued to talk. It was great, and he was really nice.
We walked back to the house, and Elisa and I decided to go play soccer outside, and some boys from the neighborhood came soon after we started our volleyball and soccer playing. I taught them, and Elisa a little bit about soccer, and then played with them a little while. It was a lot of fun. Their names were Jay, Malachi, Will, and Shawn. Nice boys.
We had supper, and then commissioning prayer, which was great, and then we played Dutch Blitz while waiting for Elisa and Jess to get back (they had to drive Elisa's car to Salunga). I was playing against quite the pros, and I haven't had a lot of time to organize my strategy... Dorrin was rooting for everyone except Margaret, because she had some completely pulverized him in the past. I started getting better in the second game.
We went out for a low-cost treat--to ice cream, and their kid sized scoop was larger than any scoop that I would eat EVER in a normal sized portion... and I hadn't had ice cream since before Lent, so it was really sweet and rich... not to mention, I had the Chocolate Cupcake flavor. I forced my ice cream upon some... who forced it upon others... it really was the communal ice cream, because Marge, Elisa, and Scott all had some.
I had had a cup of coffee during the game of Dutch Blitz, and it made me really awake at eleven when i was going to bed, and I didn't sleep well. I was so awake that I thought about leaving then to drive home, but I didn't.
When I woke up in the morning--at five thirty to the alarm clock bird, I tried to fall back asleep, and stayed in bed until 6:15, and then I decided to pack and leave, because I was up and there wasn't any point.
I took two apples, (not realizing that I already had one in the car that I hadn't eaten), some apple chips.. got sick of apples. . .  and some mixed nuts, and figured that would tide me over.
Then I drove home, deciding halfway there that I was going to stop in Streetsboro and surprise and see people.
I did. It was great. But it's an entire other blog.

Patience and Never having enough time

So I'm off to Harrisburg via Greyhound bus in about thirty minutes. Meaning: I'm getting on the H8 to the Metro to New York Avenue to walk to the Greyhound station to wait an hour because they ask you to be there an hour beforehand to leave at three o'clock.
I'm excited, slightly tired, and ready to be somewhere besides Washington D.C. I got a chance to do that yesterday when I worked in Kim's yard for six hours, cleaning up leaves and chopping out ivy in her flowerbeds. I worked in silence most of the time. Taking breaks to pee, eat lunch, and drink water.
It was a quiet neighborhood while I was there. I only heard a siren once and enjoyed the grass of her yard the entire time I was there.
This week was trying for me because I was completely ready for Spring break. I realized the week everyone had theirs that I wanted to as well, and actually really could have used it, but I didn't get the option to because I was working. Now, two weeks later, I'm going to have mine, and it seems slightly out of place, because I have attachments to those that are here, and people in virginia, but now I'm attending to some of my other friends, but not even close to all of them.
I realize that this summer I'm going to have a lot of people who are going to miss me. I still haven't gotten to go back to Streetsboro, and since I'm not going to be working at camp this year, there are a lot of people that I'm not going to see. Even those I get to see I'm not going to be able to see them long enough. It's never long enough, when it comes down to it. Everything in life leaves you hanging to some point.
I'm always going to be missing someone, whether it's Zach or Bird from the Boro, or Marita and Emily from Camp, or Bekah and Janelle from EMU, or Anna, Marie and my parents, or my cousins all over this world. It's not just a factor that we never have enough money to get what we want, or things that we want to have or places we want to go or people we want to meet, it's also that we never have enough time. This is so frustrating for me at times because I want to see everyone and spend time with everyone but times will never be like they were before I graduated high school and had time coming out of my ears around the house with Marie and could sneak away for a weekend in Mid-Ohio. There might be a time when I'm a mom and I plan vacations to places to visit family and friends, but we aren't always going to be able to see eachother. If I could build a town with all the people I want to have close to me around me, and they could do that as well, there wouldn't be individual towns--they would all be connected and my town would expand, as it always is--more and more and more.
There will always be people who are more important to me than the money I make and the things that I have.
The point is, though, that we will never feel satisfied about this. Only God can satisfy our yearning for more, and only He can make the echo in the room die. So we don't feel alone.

God truly opens your eyes, ears, and thoughts.

I was praying tonight. It's something that I do every night, as I know that tomorrow is indecisive as it is, and I don't know what circumstances could change in the night. I know that one day could go by and everything change. So I give it to God. Every single night. Tonight I was discerning about my future. It's such a touchy subject, because everything can change with the flip of a card, the ring of a phone, or a ring. But it's not that I worry about that, it's that I really have no idea what on earth I am going to do this summer. I thought I knew. I thought that was the one thing that I had figured out. Then I realized that the one thing I had figured out was the fact that I'm going to DC on Sunday. That's it. I realized that I am starting to plan things for myself again, even though I had no intentions to. I was planning on working at Camp. It's my default. For a little while I went off on a whim and thought about working at a sign shop in Lancaster with some people that are related to some other people that I used to go to the same church with (Mennonite connections). But it was just a whim, and with some convincing from a good friend, I was back on the Camp track. And it was then when it came back up, today actually, that I realized that I needed to rethink the entire idea of doing Camp. What if that was what I wanted, and not what God wanted? What if I was just going with the flow--the routine of my life this far?
I'm a rather rebellious person, though I don't like to talk about it, and often rationalize these things as to being normal. Because it is normal to be a Mennonite pastor's kid and get your tongue pierced. And it's normal to be an Honors student at a high school, but give up being around your high school friends to go to a local university and be a junior in college before you graduate high school.  And it really is normal to go to college with one major in mind, but change your mind a week in. But it isn't normal to finish the semester with those classes, despite the fact that you are not planning to use them in any way, shape, or form. Despite what others say, you have already filled your general education slip for that spot, and though you don't like to think about it, it was kind of a waste of money. (the good part is that you learned from it, you know a little bit more about science than you did, and discovered Chemistry wasn't that bad. And of course, the experience of knowing that it isn't something that you want to do.) It is normal to be completely in love with someone--you have a long distance relationship--but for them to be in Africa, and not heard your voice in nearly a month.  And lastly, it's normal to go on a cross cultural your first year. But the people who know you also know that you were thinking about quitting college and going to do work in the mission field, but this option seemed like a good transition point, considering you didn't know what you wanted to major in, and finishing school as quick as possible was the original plan (didn't get those 60 credits for nothing), but now you have nothing to work from.
This might be a phase that I'm going through. Maybe I just want to be different from people. Maybe it's a psychological uniqueness, where I have to be different from people. I have to make my music, and hope they listen to the words so that they truly hear what's going on in my head. I have to dance around the point I want to say, because it's hard for me to be completely assertive with people who intimidate me. But either way, maybe my rebellion is making me distance people from me.
This isn't even about my "rebellion". I'm not rebelling to make a point to someone, or anyone. I'm not doing it for any ideals, although my vigorous-high-staked-almost-perfectionism could have something to do with that. Within that case, I've always had high standards for myself, being grades in school, and being better, doing things on purpose.
I've discovered, that though I have this attitude at the beginning, it becomes genuine very quickly. It's like high standards are my front that wear, and me being a nut this makes me define myself by my standards. This is so unrealistic, even though people define me by my standards, it's actually just a front I wear. (Which finally gets me to my point)
I don't care about grades. I don't care about academics. I can't care if I'm better than a person, because everyone has relative standards anyway.
What a rabbit trail.
What I have been getting to:
I was praying. Praying that God would show me what path I should take. What I should do this summer. and then after that I'm not worried about. What I know is that God wants me to do something--I don't know what yet-- with people. Seems easy.
I started to be aware of this. That people, and relationships were more important than school work to me, so much to the point that I was disappointed that there was no one to hang out with and I had to go study. The relationships I built at EMU weren't all deep. For me, I'm happy with just talking to someone that I wonder about, or having a quick, but interesting and funny conversation for twenty feet (of walking, in case you didn't catch my drift). I flit from conversation to conversation. It's just how I am. I can stay in the cafeteria for hours, just because there are new people to talk to, be funny with and catch up. I just want to know what's going on in their lives. Anyone really. It tickles me pink to know what makes a person happier than anything, or excited, or to know something significant about their lives that makes them different in what they do and why they do it, than anyone else. I thrive in relationships. And where some people benefit from a few deep friendships, I benefit from being deep with everyone! As you can imagine, even with my truly (almost one hundred percent, it seems) extroverted self, this passion takes a wear on me. Towards the end of the semester, when I was getting amazing amounts of work done, but also when so many people were finally opening up to me and I to them, I was so exhausted, and so unmotivated. I could keep going and keep going, but I had to force myself to do things that my body needed. Like exercise and sleep (I didn't have a problem making it to the cafeteria--that's where all the people were). When I got home, I was tired three hours after waking up in the morning, and I was getting headaches (though I'm pretty sure that had to do with dehydration). Now break is closing, and I'm heading in the direction of DC. A place where the communication will never stop, and I have less work than I did this semester. Either way. I know that right now, God is calling me to a place of work with people. Obviously--he stuck me in a high school. I have no idea where this is getting me. As of right now, I know I'm too impatient to go anywhere for more than a year-year and a half more of classes.  So here I am trusting. As of now, the answer that I received may not even be for this summer, and maybe this summer will be another one of my weird mood swings (like WCSC was) and then I will have become obligated, but I will enjoy it nonetheless. Thus, whatever it is, I trust God.

That's what I have been doing all this time. But what? I still don't know yet. Sorry. It's an open-ended story as of now.
Nothing seems right yet. And I know if I wait too long, opportunities will close. But others will open. This I know, this I am calm with. God is my God, I trust Him. I know that the future is complicated. But this isn't my first rodeo, life is complicated.
As for my options right now, I'm still thinking about Camp Luz. But if something else kicks me in the rear I will not ignore it. I sort of feel like I have a calling to work in inner-city missions, and I feel like DC will either make or break that. But I have spent time in Harrisburg, and I am totally willing to assimilate to anything with people who are willing to listen.
This is where I am.
Sorry if you are confuzzled.

Grateful Giver

It hit me hard yesterday.

The movie and music choices didn't help much either.

All the commercials for movies and it seems that every song in the entire world is about love. Missing love. Love being far away. Love happening. Getting married. It seems that our culture is consumed by this. It's an obsession.

"Why you do Obsessed with me? I just wanna know..." Even Mariah is feelin' it. But the fact is we take little situations and write overexaggerated songs about them.

It's not that I don't care about Love. It's just that my love and I don't have the average American relationship. Probably because he's going to Africa. I may get to talk to him once a week through Skype, but we aren't even sure about that. It takes a month for mail to be delivered to where he's going.

For me, it's this constant back and forth sway of emotions.

He needs to go. There's no other thing he can do. He's prepared for this. He's taken care of business at training. He's made a difference in Harrisburg, and now he'll go make a difference in Guinea Bissau.

I need him to go. I know that the spiritual growth that has happened in the past two months is part of what he needs to do. I know that this is what God's plan is for him.

But I don't want him to go. We've been apart for so long. It's so rough for me to go, day in and day out, and see the fortunate couples who get to spend time with those they love everyday. And I see them take that person for granted. I don't take him for granted. Every second he'll be here will be met with an equal amount of thankfulness that I'll be able to spend this second, this minute, this day with him, because there will be eight months of seconds, minutes, days, that I won't be able to see him.

I've been challenged by God to give of the things that matter to me. This is something that I need to be willing about. But I'm selfish. I'm bitter. I'm wishing and waiting, and seconds still tick by at the same speed as before.

What am I complaining about? I'm not his family. I'm not a member of the group of people that have known him his whole life. I'm the girlfriend. In love with him. And we haven't even spent that much time together, but we've made a point to communicate with each other, to give the other trust and love in ways no one else can receive from us. That's why I complain. And he hasn't left yet. I get to spend five WONDERFUL days with him before he drives back, before he leaves the country until we are both a year older, with the experiences and maturity that a nineteen-year-old normally gets when they go to DC or to Africa.

Can I handle it? No. With God's guidance. Yes, I can. Yes, I am.

That's the one thing that has struck me--that I will consistently be a mess around my friends every time one of them talks about their boyfriends, or listens to a love song, unless I hold tight to the One who will not let go.

This I learned this Sunday at church, and this Monday (today) as I listened to my mother's sermon.

From Pastor Ben's sermon,

* we are all built to be dissatisfied with what we have here on earth.

This I have learned to except in my human relationships. We all have faults. We make each other angry. We can't be together when we want to all the time.

*we put out trust in the things we can see. BUT THEY ALL FALL AWAY. Who do we trust? Who should we have trusted all along?

This is when I fall again and again. This statement makes me realize that I depend altogether too much upon the people around me to hold me up. I can do it.

*All is not lost, because God can fill us up. God :), who IS so wonderfully perfect that he didn't need to have humans. BUT GOD IS LOVE, and the purpose of humanity is to enjoy a relationship of love with our God. This is how we are satisfied.

*Turn your focus away from the things that destroy and look to God.

So I'm taking steps to make this about God. It was before, but in a more superficial sort of way.

Monday's sermon. "Grateful Giver"

Mom was talking about the feeding of the five thousand, and how he had the disciples participate in the miracle. We as humans participate in the miracle and then God does the rest.

Maybe I'm participating in the miracle and if I become the inhibitor, it won't be.

Zach, I love you. I love you as you go away from me. Go. Don't hesitate. I know you need to do it. I can and I will wait until you come back for what the future. holds. Don't let me hold you back.

Welcoming Silence

Music is my life. It describes me. It completes me. It gives me peace, helps me work through what's on my mind, and figure what I want. Music is a term or something that describes me, and balances the chaos and the silence that envelope the rest of my time. There is always a "musik" in someone's life. It's the thing that keeps one from going crazy when there's twenty poopy diapers, or that annoying co-worker just doesn't know when to quit. Your "music" is the headache reducer, stress-relieveing, relaxing activities that you take on to escape the reality that's not so bright all the time. So take this into consideration as you read. Take it in. Take advice. Take your music, and let it free you.

While being a musician, it's sometimes completely necessary to invoke the right of silence. There's always a need for alone time, especially when life beyond the world of music is jam-packed with questions and demanding things. I thrive off of the days when the chaos stops, even just for a moment. It lets me hear the true voice within me, and the real questions that I have to ask. It's in the moments of silence that I find out what I'm truly worried about, what's been on my mind, and how I need to make balance occur in my day. It's the balance of chaos, music, and silence that lets one's true self escape the bonds of the mind. So here's my recommendation to you. Think of a way that you can break away from your chaos, find your music, and feel the silence. Let the nature, the world around you fill you with peace of mind. Seek God in your own way. Learn to listen, not just to the outside, but to the inside. Find balance in what you do to figure your worries.

As for me, worries are just for the future. Who? what, when, where. How? Why? Can I possibly be able to do what I need and want to do and that be the same thing? Can I know that my heart, my mind and my soul are not going to agree, yet still feel okay with that? Is there a way that I can escape the loans that will follow me into college? Can I have any idea who or what is going to be there for me through moving, going to college, and then whatever's next?
This is why I have faith.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2Corinthians4:18) What we see, we take for granted. "Look there's a tree. I can keep breathing because it's there." What we don't see, we don't understand. "Why is that tree there? Why does it take my waste and produce something to keep me from stopping breathing? Why do I breathe? What's my life plan?" We spend eternity contemplating the unseen. People have philosophized about the unseen since the beginning of time, and will continue doing so until the end of time. So I know that human life is temporary, but God is eternal.