Today, You're Two!

Dear Naisa,

My sweet treasure, my princess

a little booger 

At this time two years ago I was at the birth center, pissed I had to sit still for my blood pressure, annoyed the birth tub was taking too long to be filled.

 The waves kept coming, intentional, rhythmic, louder, then softer
I moaned, screamed, pushed

And then you slipped out, with troll hair
Big eyes, mouth wide with the first cries
Letting me know you're alive

IT'S A GIRL!
A surprise we "knew" when we couldn't think of a boy name

Naisa

He lifts up, and carries away

God forgives

You were my reminder of redemption, a God who took me back, though the mess I am

What a journey the beginning was.
Learning what was wrong,
not fixing it,
and figuring another way
Your stubborn mama could put the milky treasure into your sweet body

Determined, I was.

Even when you slept through the night, I didn't sitting with my "oxygen tank", hunched over reading real food blogs and birth stories on the internet for half an hour in the dark hallway, the lit bathroom, and eventually the living room of our third apartment in a year of marriage.

Your drooly smiles took away my fears of being inadequate to myself
I loved the way you took it all in with your anime eyes
Pondering, carrying, loving.

Then you started walking
Messes began
We learned how to eat..and how to drop food on the floor.

mommy and daddy blew out one candle for you
And you ate your coconut flour cupcake

teddy, belly button, baby, all pronounced "daddy"

playing with Lily. in and out of cabinets
and the diaper bag
in the racecar cart at food lion
giggling down the aisles
and playing in the pool

playing with McKenny
and his push car

watching Mommy's belly grow and trying to make yours bigger in your reflection on the oven.

requesting to do "dups" in the sink, pulling the chair over

eating yummy pizza made by mommy.
loving roast chicken and salmon.
becoming addicted to smoothies every day for breakfast.

learning what a mess was,
never letting Mommy forget.

bus, truck, car, flower, food "ion",

developing an identity and a temper
Positively benefiting from quiet time in your crib

Loving the time with TeeTee. Playing, Food Lion, running down the hall. Going on walks to EMU and up the Summit Ave hill!
(after Yonah was born, we went for a walk to water plants and we needed to go to Summit Ave (aka a very steep annoying hill). Marie (TeeTee) pushed the stroller and I carried Yonah. We made it to the road that was a block lower than Summit, but still had to climb the hill. But instead of walking on the road, we chose the shorter, steeper route (the kind where you will reach another cardio threshold afteward), and I hike up, arriving first because my load was lighter. We passed a house as we reached the road and there was a woman outside working. We had made eye contact so I told her, "We wanted to go the hard way! My sister is coming with the stroller!"
Confused, she replied, "How did you lose the stroller?"
I had forgotten to mention there was a little person in the stroller. 
She had assumed we'd lost control of the stroller and it had careened down the steep hill.
Marie and I laughed hysterically about that afterward. )

Meeting "baby Onah" in the morning after Mommy and Daddy's "date night"

Dropping a cup on his head.

Watching Mommy "baby, mouth, breast, nana"
and also pump.
"Yonah bottle?"

Mommy being able to say, "Yonah doesn't need a bottle anymore."

Waiting until Mommy put Yonah down for a nap to ask to be "up".

patiently watching your "nap" get packed up and set up again and again
transitioning here

and two.

we love you Naisa Fern 

Riding in the car with mommy

Napping on Mommy

Not everything is happy slappy

Lovely with Daddy

baby bathtime

Holding baby brother

New glasses at Yonah's baby shower!

Trying out Mommy's version of feeding the baby

Naisa's "selfie"

Lots of attitude (and laundry!)

walking on her first birthday

playing with Daddy on vacation

playing with Lily outside

Joyous 8-9months old

1st birthday

a glimpse after a nap

a not so exciting day in the life of Grace

It is now 2:35 pm and Naisa is fussing herself awake from her nap. yay
not.

Yonah, fell asleep so beautifully ten minutes ago snuggle-nursing is occasionally murmuring, but mayhave fallen asleep.

But not if this screaming continues...

but if I get her she'll still be fussy.
Or not. Those are the options.

I guess I'll take the chance. I NEED a sleeping baby!

the routine that follows is to throw everything out of the bed. And if she doesn't do it (and name each thing), I have to.

Now she's bringing everything into the living room.

and fussing.
And it's only for that nasty loved blanket, nana.


My dad is arriving in a little over an hour. I hope we all survive.

TIME TO EAT, NAISA!

Sometimes Life Throws You Screaming Toddlers.

I have to keep reminding myself that I can't do everything on my own.
Sometimes I forget.
And Naisa reminds me.

In a busy market surrounded by hundreds of people,
who don't completely understand.

Why is that toddler crying in the middle of the aisle by herself? "Whose child is that?"

Oh, that's my child. The one who is too stubborn to stand up and walk by herself and can't remember that Mommy is already carrying her brother in a carrier and the soap she bought and the coffee that the sympathizing woman (THANK YOU) purchased for her.

Sometimes na-nuh (the blanket) is dropped out of her hands on purpose and we need to cry about it a couple of minutes before we realize that we can pick it up and move on.

Sometimes we need to do it several times.

Someone offered to carry her for me to my car. But I said it was okay--I thought she would get her act together and stand up and walk and hold my hand and listen to mommy. But she was tired, and a runny nose had started yesterday and clogged last night and she had already had several fits.

I knew Naisa was too far gone when another toddler came up to her and asked her what happened and tried to help her up. That's when I started tearing up.

And again when she refused to stand up and only wanted to be held by Mommy as a very helpful young lady offered to carry her to my car. Naisa wrestled herself out of her arms, SCREAMING bloody murder for na-nuh (who was in her arms) and mommy (who was right next to her). Then the kind coffee lady held my wallet and purchases and walked them to the car.

And then Yonah started screaming as we drove off and fell asleep in the carrier because I couldn't wait any longer to leave before I would lose it. He fell asleep by the time we were on Wolfe street, but I could feel the adrenaline pulsing through my body, begging time to arrive us at home so I could slow down my mind again.

But I didn't get mad. I didn't angry-lose it.

But I did just finish a small bowl of very sweet chocolate chips.
And now I am tired.

Naisa wanted to go outside and I hadn't taken her with me yesterday so I determined that she could come.
I thought about bringing her back inside after it took me fifteen minutes to put the car seats for both children in the car, but she was outside and I didn't want her to have loud fits at home because Ben was sleeping and Grandma had already helped in so many ways.
So I brought her along.
But I didn't have to.

I didn't realize how tired I was until we were surrounded by people and my screaming daughter would not be consoled by anyone but me.

Let this be a reminder for me that I am allowed to make things easier for myself. I do not need to be a people pleaser. I can ask for help.

What's your story? Have you been there? 

We love liver! (And why organ meats should be a part of your regular diet!)

When my mother got a quarter of a cow in northwest Ohio this summer, I asked her to get me a couple special extras. First: LOTS of bones for making broth!! Second: Liver, sweet breads, and I think I asked for a package of brains (It's a delicacy in France!).

via thepaleohygenist.com

This week, I've at my grandparent's house because Ben is away in Lynchburg for training, and I brought up how I wasted to have liver again, and lo and behold, it made an appearance in the menu last night, with creamy mashed potatoes. Naisa, unbeknownst to her, thought it was chicken and ate a good amount without complaint (there was one bite that was too chewy that got spit out, but she was hungry and she ate it! MOMMY WIN!).

I love liver and eat it as often as I make it. Depending on the month, I might have it every week, or I might not have it at all. It just depends on if I'm up to the process! At our house, we thaw, then soak in lemon juice for a day, then cook it the next day. I usually pan fry it, dredged in flour with salt and pepper, and eat it with ketchup and onions, although for awhile I was having it with cold potatoes and yellow mustard, because that satisfied my fancy. When I was in my first trimester, though, I couldn't stand it (just like I couldn't handle fermented cod liver oil.. it was a texture thing.). So I did with out, though I tried several different times to consume it! (Or forced myself to consume it!)

I know what you are thinking.

EWWWWWWWWWW.

That's too bad, though, because the nutritional powerhouse of liver (and other organ meats) is the densest nutrition on the planet. Check out this link comparing fruit to beef liver. To have the same amount of vitamins as only four ounces of beef liver, one must eat 70.9 ounces of fruits (five pounds, anyone? ? )

If that's not enough to encourage you to discipline yourself to eat it, you can always take dessicated liver pills, so you don't have to taste it, but you get the benefits. But you do have to take a lot of them. But if you can't handle texture, I understand.

Grace... that organ filters toxins. So it must be full of them!! Why would you eat such a thing??

Actually, because the liver filters toxins, it doesn't actually contain them (except for the albeit tiny amount the animal may have been filtering at the time of death. But that is not a large amount at all). Animals that are healthy, spend their lives in the sun, outside, eating what God created them to eat will have healthy livers doing a great job of filtering out their toxins. Here's a great description of what the liver does with the toxins. Toxins are passed through the liver, and either sent to be stored in fat cells (another very important reason to eat animals that live happy lives on green pastures!), or passed from the body through elimination (we all know what those are!)

What about cholesterol? I thought we're only supposed to eat a very tiny amount of that? Isn't liver full of cholesterol? 

Did you know that the human brain is mostly cholesterol? So, if we don't eat enough cholesterol, how do you think the brain is doing? (that' s my common sense approach). Also, there is a lot of cholesterol in breast milk for (you guessed it!) your growing baby's brain. Babies need cholesterol. Adults need cholesterol.
Here's a quote about cholesterol from the Weston A Price Website:

"Dietary cholesterol contributes to the strength of the intestinal wall and helps babies and children develop a healthy brain and nervous system. Foods that contain cholesterol also provide many other important nutrients. Only oxidized cholesterol, found in most powdered milk and powdered eggs, contributes to heart disease. Powdered milk is added to 1% and 2% milk." 

You know what we don't need? Trans fats. GMOs. Medicine to "level" our cholesterol levels. Contrary to popular belief (and Time magazine recently reported on this) saturated fat and cholesterol do not cause heart disease. It's the way that food is processed and convenienced and microwaved and ultra-heated and us eating it that causes the arteries to clog and the body to fail. May I even step out to say cholesterol IS ESSENTIAL. Don't put down that butter!

Cholesterol and saturated fat aren't destroying your arteries... eating industrialized oils (think canola, corn, cottonseed, and soy oils), processed grains (like white flour), and processed sugars (think sugar, high fructose corn syrup) cause insulin resistance (aka pre prediabetes), and lead to all sorts of other issues (nutrient deficiencies, sugar cravings, lots of abdominal fat, and eventually the hated heart disease,

Ok, but what about the large amounts of vitamin A in liver? Aren't large amounts of vitamin A toxic?

Liver has lots of Vitamin A (in combination with vitamin D and K2, it's so great for your immune system!) and you are right, too much vitamin A is toxic.. if it's synthetic. Read this section on the Weston A Price website, under the section Vitamin A Knavery.

Other organ meats provide other levels of nutrients and are just as good for you! Organ meats are noninflammatory, which helps level out the inflammatory effects of chronic consumption muscles meats :) (Don't worry: eggs, dairy, and bone broths are also noninflammatory!)

It's recommended by the Weston A Price Organization to eat some organ meats of a weekly basis (not much, though! Just a couple ounces!)

Liver truly is nature's multivitamin.

Do you include organ meats in your diet? Would you be willing to try?

Why we drink Raw milk (And you should too!)

http://www.examiner.com/article/happy-cows-an-illusion

When Ben and I got married, we had stopped drinking dairy milk. I had been vegetarian for awhile (and then when I got pregnant I craved meat, so that stopped), and would drink soy milk (which I shudder about now. Here's why). But we decided to get almond milk and we enjoyed drinking that with our cereal (but I didn't think it was a good substitute in coffee! Nothing like good old cream for that!). We continued drinking almond milk for that and it was okay in smoothies too. We even experimented with making almond milk at home. (This is something I could keep doing. Here's a good recipe!)
But I couldn't kick cheese. There was one Sunday that I was craving cheese (while pregnant with Naisa) and our grocery store was only open a limited amount of time, and I made Ben come with me to get two 8oz blocks of cheese. I think one was pepper jack and one was cheddar. It was so good. :)

But we knew that dairy milk wasn't the best, because the cows weren't happy. Towards the end of my pregnancy I started researching vaccines and came across this article on The Healthy Home Economist. (However, we made the decision about vaccination based on our own experience with our daughter at her two month appointment.) Then life happened, a baby came and a couple months later, i found myself staring at the same website, thinking about homemade formula, as we were supplementing a small amount of formula with the pumped milk I was getting. I didn't like all the ingredients in the organic formula we were getting. As I did my research, it started looking like raw milk was something that everyone should be drinking, as long as it came from a cow receiving grass and sunshine and no antibiotics. These are the cows that don't get sick. Raw milk is a whole food, with all it's fat as nature intended, not like the fat free or even "whole" milk at the store. Raw milk isn't homogenized or pasteurized, contains all it's original enzymes and beneficial bacteria to help the body digest it.

If you are lactose intolerant, you may be able to drink raw milk because it naturally contains that enzyme lactase, to digest the lactose in the milk. It was contains that enzyme required to properly process the calcium in milk. This was the kicker for me. I wanted a food I knew I would absorb calcium from. My husband had seen the documentary forks over knives and they talk about how drinking too much (pasteurized) milk can cause a person to experience osteoporosis. Dr. Mercola also talks about this on his website. And the reason why is because the enzyme in milk that is needed to absorb the calcium is destroyed in the pasteurization process--even for low temp pasteurizing.

We found a farm nearby that had a herd share we could purchase, but it took my husband a visit to his nutritionist to believe that raw milk was good for you. And then we got it to drink, and to make Naisa's formula. Now it is a staple in our home and Naisa (mostly) and I drink it everyday. My husband can have some sometimes, but he still gets a little sensitive to it. (I think he should probably go on the GAPS diet. but that's another story).

But Grace, it's not safe! There could be listeria or e coli in there! First of all, that's not really an issue. Second of all, my friends, this is why you go to the farm you are purchasing from before you sign on and see the milking process, the storage units, the sanitation process. Ask what the cows are fed, how illnesses are treated. We did this, developed a wonderful relationship with our farmer, and learned a lot in the process. (And learned to make raw butter. :))

That, in a nutshell, is why we drink raw milk. For more information, and to find locations where you can purchase raw milk or herdshares, please view realmilk.com

I am Determined to be a Success Story

So this post is something I was thinking about the other week. . .

Now that Yonah is sleeping normal "ish", we are between transitions so Naisa is also behaving better, I am getting to exercise. My mind is in the coreect shape for it this time, as well.

Here's what I mean. My body image esteem has gone through the roof since Yonah was born. Honestly it was breastfeeding that did it. I'm SO THANKFUL for the fact that my body can successfully feed Yonah "from the tap". Pumping was okay, but it was so many extra steps and hurt most of the time and was stressful most of the time. Breastfeeding, and seeing my chubby chubs keep growing is such a feeling of accomplishment. It has helped me (finally) put the importance of being fit, getting to my previous previous weight, on the back burner. But not in a bad way. I am eating healthy, and exercising either a little or a lot every day. But the number on the scale no longer punches me in the face when I see it. I know what it is, and I'm at peace with it.

I am doing an exercise program called T-tapp. It's a no impact workout that uses isometric tension to work your muscles. It helps you align your spine and exercise in alignment and activate many different muscles at the same time. There are many many variations of this workout and I am doing the most basic of all the workouts, called Basic Workout Plus (which is fifteen minutes), and I am (finally) getting started learning the Total Workout (which includes the basic workout, and is fifty five minutes). One of the things I love about it is that instead of in pounds, you measure your progress by your measurements (in inches) going down. This is great because you are building muscle to replace fat and sometimes the scale doesn't change (and thus doesn't show progress) when that is happening.

Another really important thing that I've been thinking about right now is the need for a detox, which isn't going to happen anytime soon, because I'll be nursing for a long, long time. :) But I am sensing I need it, because of all the junk I consumed (like diet soda, low calorie bread, and fat free ice cream, milk, cream cheese; tofu, soy sauce, and various junk food) when I was in middle school, high school, and college. 

Anyway, I am determined to be a success story because I need to be for my own being. I need to feel good on the inside to be the best wife and mom. so I am being active (and I CAN be active because I don't have to pump!!).

The other reason I am being active is this prolapse. Nobody talked to me about this kind of thing when I was pregnant either time, but it is more common than I anticipated. (and I'm glad for that, because I have resources). But t-tapp is good for prolapse because it strengthens the pelvic floor through the various positions held through the workout. Walking is also very good for it. I'm hoping to get this Pelvic floor workout DVD soon called Hab-it, to specifically strengthen my pelvic floor, and the surrounding muscles.

I need to paint with words again

I have spent over an hour this evening reading someone else's blog, thinking but not thinking
about how I feel. I find myself ignoring how I feel, or trying to figure out what my feelings are, because I am so occupied with caring for my little ones.

I'm not sure this is a good thing. I cannot be aimlessly moving through these days or I will wake up one day and feel like I've forgotten my own definition.

What defines me right now?
Motherhood. mother in da hood, yo.

But what else?
Also music, but where is it right now? It's not gone. But it's polluted.. by mainstream songs, not all the time, but some of the time, getting stuck in my head. Where are the uplifting songs--where are my songs? I'm still searching my mind and heart for "the song". The one that defines me and my love of God and my love of my husband and my children. I haven't written "the song" yet. I wonder if I ever will or if I will just keep writing songs per my season of life.

It's been awhile since I've been inspired. The roads have changed, as I have two growing people to carry around and care for. So song writing--just playing to play is on the back burner. I don't like that piano seems like a stranger right now, but it's impossible for it to be another way.

My mind is constantly desiring to be occupied. Am I afraid of what would appear underneath if I would stop occupying it? I'm not sure. I just know that it's an extreme desire to read about food, facebook, natural remedies on the internet. I know I need none of these things. I should be doing, not reading about them.

This constant occupation with other things --using the computer, reading about every other thing, covers up, obliterates, removes my time with God during the day. yes, I read a little Bible on Saturday. It's Tuesday evening, and I haven't read since, and I can't seem to completely clear my mind when I do--there's something else always there, and when I get breaks during the day, there's always something else to do--exercise, computerize, wash dishes, make food, clean. I put it last, even though it should be first, and I should be motivated and encouraged by it during the day. I'm putting half of my energy into it when I do read my Bible. I want to give complete attention and complete surrender, but the only time I have to read my Bible is during the day when the children are awake, or asleep, but I can't completely focus. Or I don't let myself completely focus.

I feel like my mind is absent from everything. I need to recharge, I need to detox.

I need to paint with words again.
Maybe not beautiful at the beginning. Maybe cracked tones and smears, and scribbles, but I need to find the rhythm on my heart to continue to beat, to clear my head and to help me push myself to clarity and to focus on the important things!

Life is full of things that distract, things that are toxic to the soul, and that make it harder to be who you ultimately want to be as a human for your entire life. And so I strive to be the oddity, to try to be the person who can be who I want to be... Am I who I want to be? Not completely, not at this moment. I need to work on changing.

But I have made progress in some areas--after Yonah was born something switched off in my body and the number on the scale didn't matter anymore. For me, my size does matter, but my body's health and how I feel is more important. Right now I am breastfeeding!, something I am thankful for everyday, and since this is my focus, i know that going down in size will take longer and I need to be patient with it. And I am being patient with it, and finding time to exercise when I can.

And now I have blogged seven minutes past my 9:30 pm bedtime.
goodnightall

So far, in Fredricksburg

We have dove in.

It took six long irritating hours to drive from Souderton to Fredrickburg, a trip that boasts four hours, if that, but plagued us with being stuck in five plus miles of stop-go traffic that followed an accident.

Our apartment is very close to everything...just a short highwayish drive away, which makes walking there harder. We are thankful that it is a reasonable distance from Ben's work.

Moving in took no time. Unpacking took a couple days (with small children, something that could take an hour would instead be a day's job, especially with no naps.)

Naisa seems to be transitioning well. It took a couple days of on and off crying for her to adjust. She has her Na-Na and her kitty and her teddy and her babies and her "odr" toys. So she's ok. But it took a lot of patience and yesterday we had a failed outing because she was too upset because I wouldn't let her climb the stairs of a Methodist church on the way to a place to throw the ball.

We successfully found a place to purchase a herd share just north west of Fredricksburg a little bit. We visited their farm on Labor day and it was a great, relaxed, fun visit. It's a (wonderful) mom, her husband, and three rambunctious boys, one of whom is Naisa's age and she, of course, had a blast. When Yonah needed to nurse while we were there, the husband said to me to "pick a couch" inside. It's wonderful to be around people who are so welcoming to nursing a baby. :)

Today was Ben's second day at Lifeway and he's getting the hang of it. I can tell he is energized by the challenge and the place, I think we are both energized by the transition. It feels like a honeymoon--that kind of excitement--the something-new joy... even though we have two little ones, one of which is a handful (now which one is that??). I think I like it because Ben has to get to bed at a a good time to get up in the morning, so we are more intentional with hanging out (whereas when we were at his parent's house on our "vacation" he would be researching Bible passages, and Greek words from Hebrews 12:17 and go to bed in the wee hours of the morning.)

We found a church we'll be attending while we are here, and are hoping to connect to a Life Group while we are here. It's called Calvary Chapel Fredricksburg. They preach line by line out of the Bible and have the nursery and nursing room right by the sanctuary (with a TV and speaker of the sermon!). We love it. And it's five minutes down the road (but everything is five minutes down the road.)

I have been able to start exercising with T-tapp while we were on our "vacation" and have continued to do it since we've been here. I'm looking forward to trying the longer workout. . . when the nap times allow. It has been helping my back pain that has ensued from nursing and and carrying around a 30lb two year old while having a baby in the carrier.

Almost all my attempts to organize have been cadoodled by my Naisa, who dumps over my recipe cards (organized by types of dish) and then gets upset about the mess, and throws all the books on the floor and rips pages (of already destroyed books) apart. Then she destroys more books, and INSISTS on having her ENTIRE basket full of toys in her Pack-n-Play for naptime (and then unloads them out of it before going to sleep. (It's another fun game for a toddler to play!) I have had success putting clothes into drawers (although I think she relocated some of Ben's socks), and managing the kitchen.

I will be chronically behind on dishes for the entire time we are here. There isn't a dishwasher.
Naisa has been eating much better while we were at Ben's parents house and now. The teething irritation must ahve subsided for awhile. Sometimes in the morning it takes her a little bit to get hungry.... and then she gets HANGRY, and I trip to pump as much nutrition into her smoothis as possible (think coconut oil and gelatin along with the milk and banana and strawberries.)

I try to prep dinner while the babies are sleeping so that I can just heat it up in the pot or in the oven once it's time to start. So far (as in, one night) this has worked. And we are getting plenty of practice nursing in the carrier out of pure necessity.)

So far, interactions with our landlady (who we see often because the business is below us and they bring their horse in and out) have been good, although she is very professional and you can tell she doesn't have children. We got internet today, which is a blessing, not having to count MB.
 
When the internet guy came, we had a discussion about Christianity in the American church, and I encouraged him to attend church, because he said he hadn't been in awhile, but because he had a kid (or more, don't know) that he wanted to start going again. I talked to him about the church we had gone to, and also recommended a couple pastors to listen to online (Skip Heitzig and Frances Chan).

So, without further ado, some pictures from a five minute window of my day.

When I wouldn't let her have the camera.

Yonah, ten weeks. Chubby as can be.

As much of a smile as I could catch with my camera's issues.

Because EVERYTHING

The couch in the living room. There is also an entertainnment center across from the couch

Naisa by the front door. Fussing because Yonah couldn't come into the kitchen for one second.

Kitchen. You can't see all the dishes I have to wash. But you can see the table.

Naisa "Cimbed" the chair all by herself.

L to R Ben and I's bedroom, Naisa's bedroom, bathroom

Our set up in the bedroom.

Bathroom. not much to see here.

Naisa's space. The toys are positioned "out" of the bed at the moment.

Look how big!

My Crappy Morning (so far!) (concidered Oversharing and TMI)

I gave you a warning in the title, but so you know, this talks about lots of poop or different consistencies and textures, about organs not being in the right place, and about female post birth complications that sometimes occur. No whining!

Let me begin that I am dealing with a very recently prolapsed rectum (called a rectocele) and possibly a prolapsed uterus that I have told very few people about so far (sorry mom). It began on Monday (?) or Sunday, when I was constipated (again), and I realized that the only way for the poop to come out was to apply pressure to the bulge in my vagina and then bear down to remove my hard turd.

Most people get pretty upset when they discover this sort of thing (the prolapse, not the constipation... although I do get upset when I'm constipated). At first I was pretty bummed, but I am feeling positive (because it's not too severe), hopeful (because I know what to do to help it) and frustrated (why did it have to happen the week AFTER I had my pelvic exam to check for it?!). Luckly two step kegels and walking (and soft poop! More on this in a moment!) are the best remedies. and time.

OK. So on Monday this issue and constipation occurred. I feel a very intense urgency (psychologically) to get it out because NO ONE wants a compacted bowel or conventional laxatives to be needed, but this poop was slow to go. It was coming in chunks or four inches at a time and I was all like that kid after the dentist (Is this going to be FOREVER??). So I increased my probiotics (which are heavy duty anyway) and I increased my coconut oil chocolate consumption (it's always helped before! And what a great appetite/sweet craving quencher it is! try it, it's not just for pooping! 1 T. coconut oil, 2 T. cocoa powder, 1/4-1/2 t. honey)

So as we are packing and emptying our apartment (but not my bowel, boo hoohoo) I am dealing with this, but also drinking less water, which exasperates the issue at hand (I've been chuggin' the last few days). We drove to PA on Tuesday afternoon (and I slacked on my veggie and water consumption) and was still having issues (both bulgey and hard poopy, but I was getting lots of nice sounding and smelling farts) on Wednesday. At this point I'm thinking that I'll hard poop and farts the rest of my life, when this (Thursday) morning, at 7, I have a soft log poop. This is ideal! Yay! I had no need to "assist" myself. I had been drinking coffee and had another piece of coconut oil chocolate around this time, though not thinking much of it.

And then I feel another urge to purge coming along. I'm nursing Yonah, so I wait patiently, then put the baby down and go upstairs with Naisa (yes, she accompanied me to the loo) and water poop in the pot. For awhile. I'm thinking I've thoroughly emptied the plumbing, and I continue with my morning. I'm nursing the hunka chunka cuteness (Yonah) when I unconsciously start to fart... and then I remember the liquid that was previously removed from my anus and high tail it to the powder room. I have sharted a shit bit in my undies. Crap. so I sit and let loose (not much "letting" at this point), and have officially reached the raw ouchie anus point.

I'm hoping I don't have anymore trips after this.

Moral of the story: Don't overdo your natural stool softeners. They will destroy you.

We made it through moving!

While there may have been some bumps on the road, we survived!

and threeish days (of work--four days total) later, we are in PA, most of our things are in storage in Harrisonburg, and the rest is here with us, to come to Fredricksburg with us.

I am tired--but that is to be expected, driving in a car for five hours with an unhappy toddler and a baby who wants to be nursed (which is always a yay, by the way) is exhausting, especially when you can't move (small car) or make it better (only four more hours to go, sweetie, [sigh] please stop screaming). (and three hours later, 'shut up! go to sleep! Do you want to eat? Yes? (no) URG. stop throwing nana (blanket) if you want it! Stop throwing teddy on your brother! (then being silly with stuffed animals to get silly giggles will be the only thing to make the crying/screaming stop).

So I am taking some quiet time, while Yonah is napping beside me and Ben is napping upstairs and Naisa is at the park with Oma.

Thats me! sitting on the couch!

That's Yonah, taking a snooze!

Things are falling into place for important things that we need in Fredricksburg so I am looking forward to it even more (I was slightly anxious we wouldn't find a milk farm, but we did.)

I am feeling blessed as the storm (for now) has passed over, and we are at a relaxed state. Maybe Ben will finally catch up on sleep. (and don't worry about me. I'll catch up when these babies are older. :))

two months old now!

Yonah is/will be two months old soon!

We have been enjoying his smiles and coos,
spit up and poopy diapers,
rocking him to sleep in the Ergo after nursing,
Naisa's exploding vocabulary, saying things like, "I want to see horsies" and other full sentences.

We've been packing up our apartment, which has made me very busy, not just packing, but getting together with people and getting to church (finally), and trying to clean out our freezer (by eating), and packing.

Ben and I have been enjoying having a new member of the family, and also enjoying the time he has at home before he starts his new job. Ben is going to start training at the beginning of September as a store manager for LifeWay Christian bookstores. It looks like we are leaving Harrisonburg for a long while.

 We will find out our location for our store a couple weeks into training. We will be in Fredricksburg, VA for the training. We found a very cute carriage house via AirBNB.com to stay in while we are there. We will be back in Harrisonburg for two sets of weddings, and I will be in Harrisonburg for a week while Ben has to do some of his training in Lynchburg.

I am the Privileged Poor

You certainly would think of me and my family as poor, judging from our bank account, apartment, the things we own, the car we drive, or the food we buy.

But we qualify for WIC and we use it every month. Both of our children are covered by Virginia Medicaid to lower the cost of healthcare. i used pregnancy Medicaid for both pregnancies We don't make enough to cover what we have budgeted for our needs, though we are lucky we haven't needed to spend huge amounts of money on things like health needs-- we have both been incredibly healthy. 

I call us privileged poor because we are poor only because we went to college, and our monthly loan payment equates to more than a third of our income.

 But we are poor because if one thing changed: our car broke down and we had to purchase another, if when we move we have to pay $300 more for rent, if Ben or I has a major health accident, we get very close to the danger zone. Many of the nice things we own were given to us, or purchased at a great deal, or thrift store steals. 

But we are privileged: we have parents who, if in a tough spot, would help cover us, whether it be with housing, or with money. Our support groups are there and they provide a safety net of sorts. 

But we are so blessed! I can stay at home with our beautiful children and save us money on other things.

I cannot complain, nor will I, but there is always the possibility of financial surprise. But we are blessed with a working car, healthy children and seemingly healthy immune systems. 

For these I am thankful. 

Five week update

I am up early on Sunday morning because it's the only quiet time of the day. But I'm not pumping. . . :)
About four days ago I decided to stop pumping as much to see if Yonah could effectively remove the milk himself if there was more of it in my breasts. I had to put a lot of faith in this because if he couldn't get it all out and I didn't know, my supply could dip and that can be a struggle to get it to come back. I think the first day I tried was Wednesday, and I pumped after a couple feedings, when he'd finally gone to sleep. I was still worried and stressed that he had a restriction in his mouth that would make this hard or impossible. We were already over the hump of being comfortable while nursing (mostly, except when there is a lot of milk (like at night time), sometimes he gets a shallow latch). I had already had a couple times where he latched on and then drank through the let down (and then popped off or fell asleep), so I thought that I would keep trying.

So the first day I still pumped once at night, but then things continued to get better. On Thursday, I decided to set up an appointment with the lactation consultant at WIC. We'd been in phone contact since Yonah was born, and she had sent me a supplemental nursing system in the mail (bless her!) because she wasn't going to be in Harrisonburg for another week. I had much trouble with the SNS, mainly because Yonah would not take the tube in when he latched on, so it was messy and frustrating, so I brought it along, and my hungry baby, and we went to work. She had some alternative taping ideas (which were so helpful! If you have a big areola, don't follow the diagram in the book! The baby can handle the tape being right up to their mouth).

She checked his mouth and watched him latch and remove milk and said it looked really good. He was a little fussy in the middle of feeding, which neither of us knew why (one could speculate it was gas). Because I had been supplementing a little with WAPF formula, she recommended a supplement, and I ordered goat's rue off of Mountain Rose Herbs when I came home (otherwise I'm paying $40 for a tincture).

It was then I realized that I needed to stop diagnosing something that I could work through. At the beginning of breastfeeding Yonah, it was really hard, and if we hadn't been stubborn and pumped and continued to put him to the breast, we might not have gotten this far. I was really frustrated when I had to give him a bottle and keep giving him a bottle, but he was getting what he needed and I was thankful for that. Because of all the information on the internet, I have been aware of tongue ties and lip ties and their effects long term on people's mouths and the issues of tooth decay and speech issues. But I was also aware of the hell that moms went through after getting their children's frenulums clipped and then having to stretch them and some reattaching and then going through all of it again. I have decided to make myself not think of it as an issue or problem. I have decided to not worry about it. (If we get to two and he has other issues like speech or tooth issues, then we will reevaluate.)

I wonder if we would have been able to get Naisa to latch and worked through it if I had not had flat nipples, or if we had had support after I started pumping to heal my nipples.

I am thankful that we were able to overcome without anything but patience and persistence. I am thankful that things got better. I prayed and prayed for this during this pregnancy because I wanted it so bad. I didn't want to have to pump for a year again. I wanted more than two years between this baby and the next.

We are still learning. There is a learning curve to this, for sure, and part of it is that he is still so small, Naisa is loud, distracting, and needy, and that contributes to his distracted nursing. I am still learning some of his cues and we are still learning different ways to nurse. I would love to perfect side lying nursing so that I can rest while nursing at night, but right now he seems to still do best when I can direct what he is doing (with a bit of light) and in the cross cradle position.

I am so glad I took the leap of faith to let him try, and not trying to micro manage ounces and times pumping. I'm glad I have that experience of pumping under my belt, but I am more than happy to hang up the horns except for the occasional time (date night!).

He's eleven pounds now.

Breastfeeding update

So Yonah is 3.5 weeks old now. I  still pumping most of the milk he receives, and he still gets most of it through the bottle. But for some reason I felt like it was going better yesterday. He still can't get an entire feeding from just the breast. When I use the supplemental nursing system, he still falls asleep, like when we nurse normally. I did have more success with the SNS yesterday. I had him on the breast longer yesterday and he is getting some milk out, so I think this is why I feel better about it. Also, we were at Kohls to get me some shoes, he was hungry and I  had left the diaper bag in the car so I decided to try to nurse him in the dressing room. He did fine, doing what he normally does- popping off after five minutes and being "content" for ten to twenty minutes before crying for more. I hope months from now I won't have to think about bottles unless we are going on a date, but I read this breast feeding meme on Facebook that said every breast feeding relationship is different. Don't assume that because yours isn't 'perfect' that it's bad. It had a picture of a mom pumping on one side, with her baby nursing with a supplemental nursing system in the other side. Just a reminder that 'normal' breastfeeding is just a myth.

That's what I thinking about

Transitions: from one to two

It's 7am and I am in our bathroom pumping and drinking a cup of coffee, blogging and listening to Naisa talk to herself and hoping Yonah stays asleep. It is hard to do pumping at night with such a small baby because he can wake up hungry for more when I'm already pumping in the other room, giving me two options: unplug-feed baby-then Start over, or move my pumping self into the bedroom, replug the pump into the wall, and multitask the bottle into the baby's mouth. And that has been what I have been doing nearly every time.

It's more challenging now because Yonah is still so much in the tiny baby stage. Once he hits like four months, we'll be in a sweet spot. Naisa is also at a challenging stage-not quite ready to play on the playground by herself. . . But she thinks she is. And gives a fit if she I redirect her to do something else.

As I think back, I don't feel too much like I had such a huge hurdle once the baby popped out (besides breastfeeding, and keeping up with cleaning). I realize that's because I have been processing the addition to the family since we found out we were pregnant. I have been pondering the idea, praying about it, worrying about it, having expectations. Because this was the second time around, I took on labor as part of the puzzle and not the pinnacle event (as I have a habit of doing with almost every big life event). So when it was happening, I treasured it, but I knew it was the beginning, not the end (not "happily ever after" part of the story. I went in knowing that there are more challenges than just birth (birth is the easy part of the challenge for me). Breast feeding exclusively has been the unattainable achievement thus far.  I realize that the issue remains that his mouth is tiny, my nipples are huge, and there IS something going on under his tongue and on his lip, although the latch he gets is a good latch (though shallow), he fusses and pulls and doesn't stay on for more than a couple minutes sometimes, and does not remove very much milk when his is there. He falls asleep often, and as I am trying to maintain a supply I have to pump and bottle feed him after he breast attempts... This is most of my day.

The biggest challenges now are communication with Naisa. Yonah is no problem because he only needs a couple things: a clean diaper, a full belly, no gas, and to be held and burped. Naisa needs to go out, for mommy to hold things (many, many things), to eat and drink and be all done and to play with cups and to go for walks and play with other kids. And then there are the things she wants! And they are often not what I'll let her do. Sometimes, when I am pumping or breast feeding and I can't get up, I attempt to get her to bring me what I need, a diaper, a burp cloth, a shirt, a pen, my phone, etc. and most of the time she goes into autopilot assessing the situation. Example:

Mommy has been burping baby Yonah and he has spit up. Mommy has no burp cloth within reach. 

"Naisa, can you get me my shirt?"

Naisa: "nana mess!"

Mommy: "yes, Nana (blanket) is a mess. Can you get me my shirt now?"

Naisa: "baby (indecipherable) nana un a mess!"

Mommy: "Naisa! Shirt Now!"

I get frustrated easily sometimes.

Ugh spit up

I just spent two hours with Yonah from 9:45pm to 11:30pm, feeding him.

Then when he paused, I would burp him, and then he would spit up. And then he would root and so I would give him more. And he was awake and not getting tired.

I put him in the crib and he spit up on there. I put an outfit on him, held him in the football hold, and then put him down on the crib again. He was still awake. I left the room for water and to use the bathroom and then stood outside the door to see if he was still awake. He wasn't. Now I'm pumping. Gloriously.

PS whilst this was happening, input him on the breast because I thought the bottle was bothering him (or something). And he nursed through a let down like a normal baby. Yayay! Now if only he can replicate it. 

That's all for now. My day was good. Marie took us all out do a walk and that was great exercise over the Virginia hills. I managed the day because Naisa had quiet time in her room. My friend Laura came in the afternoon, during nap time and talked with me and gave me a massage and a portion of a turkey sandwich.

*Update*: I read online that babies root when something happens with their stomach, whether it be hunger or gas, so I went and bought some gripe water, called Mommy's bliss. Whenever he seemed hungry but had been fed for a long time, I gave him some and then bounced him and he went to sleep.  Great method! This gripe water is natural, containing things like baking soda, fennel, and ginger extract.

Growing, growing!

I'm blogging in the middle of the night again! It's my only free time, which comes withe the price of mommyhood. I am pumping! My favorite task.

Yonah had his two week appointment yesterday. He now weighs 9lb 3oz, up over a pound from birthweight. This is the same weight Naisa was when she was born. And today (if I was still pregnant) I would be the same amount of time Naisa was in the womb. At her two week appointment, however, she was under birth weight (8lb 8oz). That was the day we had to start pumping and using formula because my nipples looked like death. 

Yonah's latch is getting better. He doesn't compress my nipples against the roof of his mouth anymore. Sometimes I am still sore, and he often loses the latch when he gets tired, especially if there's lots on milk in there. He also is very gassy and needs lots of burping and also

still falls asleep at the breast quickly. So we are still a ways away from me not pumping at all.

Tomorrow isn't first whole day with the babies by myself. I was hoping ( I always hope) to get better sleep. But this will just have to do. 

Transitioning

Naisa is home from her visit with Memaw and Pops and Ben's parents are now visiting. But I've already begin to have some hours where it's just been me and both babies and I'm preparing myself with what can work.

Yesterday, Ben went to work in the morning and I had to hang out with Naisa and Yonah by myself for a couple hours. I was lucky the baby was already fed when Naisa went and got her shoes and my shoes and wanted to go out. We walked to Food Lion, went in, came out, and then walked from the DQ to Francesscos at least twenty times. Then she would say,"again" and we would walk it again. I was feeling a little ill towards the end (just had to poop. Haha), and I was thankful that Naisa decided she wanted to go home at that point. Then she decided she wanted to take a bath. I put sleeping Yonah (from being in the snuggly baby carrier with mommy) in his bed and set up the tub. After about ten minutes, Yonah woke up again and I went and got him, and was wondering how the heck I was going to nurse him in the bathroom with Naisa in the tub, and then Naisa decided she was done with her bath (ahh a child in tune with me!) and we went to the living room. It was after eleven, so I  told Naisa it was time for quiet time in her room and out her in there for a nap. Soon Titi came back from her coffee with a friend and I had a slight break from chaos, as she gave Yonah a bottle while I pumped (that's how this thing has been going). Then Ben's parents called saying they were an hour out and Ben came home from work. 

It was a busy morning, and I suspect I will have many more busy mornings. I am hoping that I can manage and not be stressed out about things like my milk supply and that Yonah will naturally start doing better with removing milk from my breast. I don't want to have to get his tongue and lip tie clipped if I can avoid it because it's just a big hassle financially, time wise, and emotionally. I really hope he can just figure out nursing as his mouth gets bigger. 

And.... These are the things I'm thinking about while pumping at three o'clock in the morning.

To Pump or ... What!

I had high hopes that breastfeeding would go better. We are breastfeeding, by the way; but Yonah doesn't routinely empty the breast. He sleeps at the breast, roots at the breast, latches onto the breast, chews the nipple, and falls asleep at the breast. So we are supplementing. With pumped milk and a little homemade (WAPF) formula. But I want it to work!! I want it to work so bad! The only reason this is successful right now is because Naisa is in Ohio. Once she returns and I am on full time mommy duty, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. It is going to be hard to pump when she needs my attention, let alone when he and she need my attention.

Ben is convinced that when his mouth gets bigger it will be able to better accommodation my large nipples: I think this too, but I wonder how many months of lazy breast feeding I will have to deal with before this happens, and how many months after his that I will have to deal with a still-lazy nurser. 

So I'm pumping: and I wish he could get it out on his own! The lactation consultant we saw said there was a fifty percent chance his tongue tie would affect it, that he had a good suck, a good range of motion, just that he had a tight jaw and a small mouth. Two things not in my favor.

I am trying to be patient, but I had hoped to be through the breastfeeding transition by two weeks, especially because Naisa will be home on Thursday and I wanted to have a better hang of it before she came home.

He's gaining weight well, more than most babies his age. Most are still working to return to birth weight. He was four oz over birth weight at a little over one week. I just wish he would breastfeed. This is the same battle I had with Naisa, except she tore up my nipples and wrecked havoc on my milk supply before we switched. this time we are catching the milk supply before it drops too much (I wish is started pumping sooner though!

Thirty nine weeks. . . And he's here!

I am so surprised to tell you that we had a baby on the evening of June 20th! His name is Yonah Shamayim Delp, and he weighs 8lb2oz, and is 19.5 inches long! So far, nursing has been "better" than when Naisa was born... And we also understand what to look for, but his latch is still shallow, my nipples are still sore, and it looks like he may have a tongue tie or we are just dealing with the little mouth big nipple temporary issue that will go away slowly as he grows.

On Thursday, Marie came over in the afternoon and spent time with Naisa and I. Naisa had refused to take a nap, so I was exhausted and grateful for the company. She helped me out together dinner, including a dancing jam complete with peanut jar and toothpick shakers, while I was wearing Naisa on my back, and she was giggling the entire time. We also sang some of the songs that I wrote that were her favorites. I had had a cold, so I was not expecting much out of my vocal chords, but surprisingly, I felt like I could sing very well. Because of this singing, I was completely exhausted later, and went to bed at 9pm. 

The next morning (Friday) was 39 weeks for us. As usual, that really didn't mean a thing to me, because I was fairly certain we'd go over the due "date" and perhaps into 41 weeks. We had our midwife appointment on Wednesday, and my blood pressure was great (102/...) and I was measuring 43cm from pubic bone to top of the uterus. I asked Ben what he thought about that on that on the way home, and he said,"baby's coming soon."

I, of course, said that it was possible, but I was still prepared for two more weeks, to be safe, mentally.

Friday morning came and I started having period like cramps intermittently. I decided to time them, since they hurt some, and found that they were varying lengths apart, com 7-10 minutes. So I kept timing them and went on with the day, spending time with Naisa, going outside with her, but not venturing far, because I didn't feel like it. (Sign number one!)

I had some liver in the fridge I had been meaning to eat, so I fried it up and ate it with potatoes and mustard. I ate a lot, and thought to myself, if this Isnt labor, then I am still eating something excellent for postpartum, because of the iron content. And for those of you who don't know, I like liver, but it was especially satisfying this time around.

When Ben can home for lunch, I was irritated he didn't want to eat the hard boiled eggs I had prepared to him, and was pretty snappy. I didn't tell him I was timing contractions, I told him I was feeling cramps.

After lunch, they started to pick up, going to about four to five minutes apart, but contractions themselves were still mild and less than a minute apart. I made some chocolate peanut butter ice cream at this point. I had decided a couple weeks ago thy homemade  ice cream would be the best thing to consume after birth, and wanted to make sure it happened! Around this time Naisa wanted to take a bath, and asked me to get in with her. I obliged, and enjoyed pouring water over my belly when it tightened, finding it soothing but necessary to s

Do during a contraction.  I started needing to breathe through them around the time I Skyped (second time that day, because of sweet Naisa) with my parents. I let them know that that was going on, I think around 2 or 3pm, and then texted Ben that I was still contracting. He called, we talked, and I told him I would call when I needed him. I called him at four, because I was moaning through contractions. Marie came over around then. She had been at Gift N Thrift, but I told her I was having contractions, and needed her to come hang out with Naisa. She biked really fast. :)

I texted my midwife at the same time as Ben, telling her what was going on, and she said that it sounded like active labor and would meet us at the birth center at 5:45. Ben came home and he packed up all the food stuff and packed his bag. So I continued to labor, vocalizing through each contraction, but reminding myself to feel it, and the energy behind it.  Doing that really helped me get through each contraction, especially the ones I had in the car, when I couldn't be on my hands and knees. 

Once we got to the birth center we both felt pretty good, and I got hungry, all whilst having contractions, so I had some pizza (but I made Ben take off the onions because they didn't sound very appetizing to me at the time.) and also some homemadelaborade. 

The midwife checked my heart rate, temp, blood pressure (130/80) and baby and told me everything looked good, and she started filling he tub. Then I continued vocalizing through each contraction, and my husband took pictures around the birth room. 

Maya said they would come to check the baby's heart rate every half an hour, and otherwise would let me be. I asked about checking for dilation, and she said that unless I really needed to know what it was, it wasn't necessary, so I didn't ask for it. I wasn't checked for the entire labor, which I found to be a very peaceful way for the baby to come.

I did contractions on the bed on my hands and knees vocalizing for a little while. Once the birth tub was full, I put on my swim suit and got in. Ben noticed and wondered if things might slow down because I was in the tub. I said they might but I didn't really think they would. They didn't.

 I had frozen banana while I was in the tub. The first piece I had was ill timed and I had a contraction start before I finished it. Since I couldn't moan with it in my mouth, I tried to place it back on the plate. I did not succeed and it plopped into the birth pool.

In a few contractions my water broke and contractions got intense. I needed to be much louder with each contraction and opened my mouth as wide as possible. Pretty sure this was transition. 

The midwife came back in a that point and I started to feel a little pushy-- I gave the baby a nudge at the end of the contraction and it took away some the pain/intensity. Then I knew it was almost time. I "breathed" through a couple more contractions just to be sure it was time to push, and then I went at it. I was squatting on the edge of the pool and when I got tired of that, I leaned on Ben's legs (he was sitting on the back of the birth tub) and pushed that way. Because I screamed loudly and shrilly when Naisa was being pushed out, I was determined to push this baby out as effectively as possible. Only once did my vocalization go too high, and I chided myself out loud ("Come on, Grace!") for doing that. Soon they could see part of his head while I was pushing and soon after he was crowning. The "ring of fire" made its appearance as the baby moved down the birth canal. Once I pushed his head out, I could feel it moving and asked if anyone was touching it. (My eyes were closed.) they said that was just him. No cord around his neck either. I waited for the next contraction, knowing he'd be out in a minute, and then, there he was, with goopy vernix covering his thick head of hair. And it was a boy!  I pushed for eighteen minutes and he was born at 7:31pm. I felt very good after that. 

The placenta arrived soon after that, and I felt the contraction and pushed it out smoothly. 

I had the midwife quick take a photo of all of us together before I tried to nurse him. ( all the photos of Naisa with us in the birth tub are unsharable because I had already tried to nurse her and had no swim top on anymore.) 

We got out of the tub shortly after, and moved to the bed to try and nurse. We thought it was funny that it was still light outside. I had mentally prepared for being there half the night in labor so it was ironic that we were calling our parents to tell them that Yonah was born just three hours after telling them we were going to the birth center. But I don't mind a quick labor.

After that we did vitals for everyone (except Ben) and tried to nurse (once Yonah was interested). He was ready to chill for a little while once he was born. And I got my ice cream. :)