Quite A Thought Process

So for Ruling Ideas, there is a project in which all Honors students challenge themselves by giving up something, as to become more of a lantern and less of a flashlight. (seeing all different perspectives rather than just one.) One of the girls in the Honors program was in Cedarwood last night stir-frying onions, and I asked why. She said that for her Honors project, she was eating only local foods for two weeks. I was highly impressed by this, especially because she was starting early, and second because she was eating all local foods for two weeks! But not to be behind on anything, especially the class where I am most likely to be held to a high standard because of the type of person I am, I decided to start my challenge, though I couldn't decide what to do. As I was processing it, a friend suggested giving up Facebook, but I had already done that this spring for Lent. Last night as I went to bed, the last thought that I had was to do something to help the environment. Last year my fifth cousin Katie went vegetarian for five days because of the water used in processing meat, and also took shorter showers and made points to not leave the water running or waste water. So what I am doing, in the process of doing, anyway, is going to be to not throw anything away for two weeks. Even though I think the time frame that we are required to do something like this is only five days. So I started this morning. I saved the wrapper from my granola bar and left it on my desk for later. Then when I was cleaning my room later, I decided to empty my trash from previous days, only to get a fresh start with what I was doing. And then I took all the trash that I accumulated and started using it to decorate my room. Note that most of my trash is actually paper. I decided not to recycle anything, because I'm more focusing on the "reduce" and "reuse". Those never seem to get as much fame as their buddy "recycle" anyhow. So I reused my extra papers, for here out referred to as "trash". I made snowflakes, and random collages, and also a rather interesting flower. It is really helping me become aware of the oblivious moments where I use paper way too much. I put one of my towels in the bathroom to dry my hands and my face on so that I don't use a multitude of paper towels. I forced myself not take napkins after I already took one, (which I gave to my friend. *Sharing is Caring.*) Anyway, so I was processing this whole idea in my journal, as it's good to take notes when doing an experiment, though on yourself.

I got off on this lovely tangent. At the beginning, you'll find some material that repeats itself a little from what I have already written, but it's all needed to induce what I came up with.

Here it goes:

Day One:

The hardest part may be that I am eating & there's plastic packaging around said food. I'm going to figure out how to reuse said packaging. So far I was cleaning my room & I took the previous trash down to the trash room. Then from today, I took the trash that I accumulated from today & made various decoration in my room--a collage, some snowflakes (note that I used all the little snippets as well! I did not throw them away!). Some of them look rather nice, besides the wording from the church bulletin.

I am not a pack rat, but not throwing anything away will be difficult, I can't keep the gloves I wore in Chemistry Lab. Or can I ?

There's been several mess-ups so far--I took a napkin at lunch, then justified it by giving it to Bekah to use. Napkins can be shared. I have to start using my own towel to dry my hands in the bathroom. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my chewed gum after I've already found something creative to do with my gum wrapper. I don't want to want a snack because then I will have to find something to do with each individual piece of plastic. Making tea would be interesting. What can one do with a tea bad after it has been used?

I'm also deciding to wear all the clothes I have that were previously in my laundry basket twice so that they are actually worn before they are washed.

Reusing things is so important in this society, where it is unAmerican to reuse paper towels. What is up with that? In the book, "On that day everybody ate," (also read for Honors), it describes a woman who used a fourth of a cotton ball to remove the fingernail polish for all of her fingers. I tried that the other day. I succeeded with two quarters of a cotton ball for my ten fingers. Is it really relevant to use as much as we use just to superficially look nice or smell nice or to be clean or to be creative? If we just look at our resources now, the world around us, the trash in every can, there are so many options to have art and expression in the things people throw away.

Why do things need to be individually wrapped? Because people don't want their fun size bars to melt together because they accidently left them in the car for too long. I think that simple changes could be made & less plastic used. So other things could be made in the time & with the money it took to individually wrap chocolates. Or granola bars. Save plastic, save money, save time, save the world.

Another thin I am aware of within this first day. I have the option to buy something, but as I have that option, then comes something that I have to throw away. Extra paper, plastic bottles, metal twist ties to secure some item. Not only am I buying an electronic toothbrush (for example), but I'm buying the stiff shrink-wrapped plastic exoskeleton that comes with it. I'm buying the flashy, name-branded shiny paper cardboard that comes on the inside. That paper can be recycled, but can the plastic encasing it? And what are the odds that a person will remove the paper from the plastic with the goal of recycling both items?

Are there alternatives? Maybe. Are they mainstream and way up there with the big shots form Walmart? No way. One would have to hear about it in the first place to actually know of a packaging that would be recyclable. Are there reliable alternatives to the things in life use,d with the certainty that they will never decompose, like rubber tires? And what can be done with styrofoam? People make track and field tracks out of old tires, but they still aren't decomposing. There's little pieces of styrofoam in potting soil(at least, that's what I think it is) but they are just being ground into little pieces, and the truth of the matter is that trying to break down the chemical compound involving either styrofoam or tires would make more toxic fumes, doing more harm than good. But don't they make toxic fumes when created? So why on earth are we creating them? Especially when we cannot get rid of them or reuse them in the same way without the same effect of consequences. Why aren't companies pursuing "green" tires and styrofoam? Why is packaging so important?

Is mass production & reliance on machines to deliver breakable items going to cause the world ot overheat because there is so much nonperishable cushioning material? People should care more. Then we can be more careful as we deliver. If we actually car about what is being carried, it is less likely to be broken. (People don't drop puppies or babies. Not that we want to think of technology or lamps in those terms. ) Thus, it is less likely to need massive amounts of packaging. because of this, there is less of a need for styrofoam to pad something that won't be dropped, thus not broken. (If something is broken, yes, I understand people won't buy it. And that messes with businesses and profits and peoples' salaries etc... Yeah, yeah I get the poing. So don't make items of demand breakable. Find ways to make things pretty much indestructable. LEt the design of the item overcompensate for itself so it doesn't need packaging)

Within the advance of technology, it is more important that the item is stable and made for humans, considering that humans use it, and it should be able to be dropped and still function. If a user can drop an item while in ownership of it and the item still work, then why does it need packaging to "protect" it? It's already protected! (yes, I realize that for some people, it's all about the image, and if it's scratched, they won't like it. Stop crying. Is it still functioning like you want it to? Stop whining!) If it can be dropped when someone uses it, then it can be dropped while being shipped. There's no need for styrofoam! No one EVER sees average Joe's Mom walking around, carrying her purse, cell phone, and car around in styrofoam casing! (No one ever sees average Joe's mom carrying her car in general... but you get the point!)

To reduce the use of tires, one has to reduce the use of cars. With using tires, people can save a lot more money by switching to riding a bicycle. They still have tires, but much smaller tires. Bikes also use a lot less to no fossil fuels (depends on if one is riding a motorcycle.) It takes a lot more time to bike places. And it's more difficult to carry wide screen TVs home from the store. So don't buy one. It's a waste of electricity anyway. Besides, if one is making a lifestyle of vastly biking, there won't be much time for sitting around and watching TV anyway. Too busy running errands.

We don't need it all, really.

Live simply. By the way, after my experiment, perhaps I will "get rid" of things that I do not use or need, by way of a thrift store, using a resource with the ability to "reuse" things I no longer use. As for "reducing", I'm sure that being aware will bring forth an eager mindset to use less and make more of what I already have. For what I already have is more than many would ever dream of. So I'll give it away.

That's all I have to say about that.

Everyday I Would Spend with you.

My daddy came to visit this past weekend. It was homecoming weekend at school, and so a lot of people's parents came to visit. He came down on Thursday, riding with a perspective/ future student from the area where my family lives now. We all went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner, and that was a great relaxing half a minute before I had to go back to my dorm and attempt to finish writing a biology lab report. That went okay, considering that I started it earlier, no matter that what I'd written before was completely bogus, I was just just brainstorming. I started working at 8:30 and finished at twelve. Not something I want to do again. I'm going to work to pay attention to what needs to be done AHEAD of time...

It was great to visit my grandparents, because I feel I've been too busy to walk to the mile over to their house and just relax for another half a minute. It helped to be there. I got to doze on their couch for a second and I was rather thankful that I got to be comfortably placed in a familiar home. (Another time I've been able to do that was within my trip to HDC, a weekend or so ago, when I stayed with the Epps, and that was really like home.) When I got back to school, I was relaxed enough to be able to write that paper, knowing that I'd finish while my mind was still sharp, and I'd get a good night of sleep.

On Friday, I went through class well, though wanting to see Daddy as it was, I still attended all my classes, though tempted by Phillip with the Ethics of skipping Ethics. It was an important lecture to attend, which I spent writing a letter and stopping to read a long passage Scripture so that I was paying enough attention to get a little of what my teacher was talking about. And really, every time I read, it's not about hearing my voice. It's about expanding my abilities to be able to read better in front of more people.

After all my classes, I walked over to Anna's apartment and Daddy, Anna, and I all went to Xenia, a chic Mediterranean resturaunt with delicious pita bread and Dolma. We shared a two person meal. It was just enough to want more. But we stopped ourselves. we got to pick two sauces--one dad picked and I picked one--the Pineapple with Horseradish. Anna wrinkled her nose at that idea, but I was intrigued. And was it good. It was sweet but then, pow!, it was hot too! After our meal, we were paying the check, and a young, stout man hustles into the resturaunt and asks for a menu. The camo vest gave it away though, it was our Uncle Joe! Daddy called out his name, and he looked over at us, not sure what to think, as Dad stood up and gave him a hug. I gave him one too, and it was great to see him as we were around town. He left without saying much, but as he crossed the busy street outside the doors, Dad glimpsed him "directing traffic". He ran out to the middle of the road, and then jabbed his hand into the air in the direction of the oncoming vehicles, one right, one left. And then, as quickly as he went into "traffic Policeman" mode, he ran across the street to his waiting ride. He's hilarious. It has been fun retelling that story.

On Saturday, I braided several people's hair (We hung up a sign that said Hair Braiding Within, because "within" is so much cooler sounding than "inside"), did a little studying, and cleaned my room. When I went to the cafeteria for brunch, I accidentally tossed my salad onto my friend Grace and then proceeded to have a hysterical laugh while cleaning it up.

Then in the evening, I got back together with Dad and Anna. Dad and I went out to Food Lion and got provisions for a salad. While there, I was taking a peek into the carbonated beverage aisle and I found a three liter of diet Food Lion cola for $1.29! I was so ecstastic that I was laughing when I found Daddy and told him. It made me really happy...
We went to Organic Grounds and I got Coffee Crunch Mocha and it was awesome. Their smalls are so large. :) It made me really happy. There were gourds on the tables for decorations, and I decided to do some balancing awesomeness. It was pretty fun. It was challenging and a good conversation as well. Daddy was reminding me that he and Mom will support me in whatever career I choose. And also to remind me to go "Steady. Steady. Pace. Pace." So one things I've been trying to do everyday is do something that destresses me. I ran on Sunday night, and I ran tonight. We didn't run as long, but it was faster and good.
I brought a bunch of my friends over to Anna's apartment for pizza, salad, and pop. We had a great time with Kendall and Anna and Daddy. It was great. We played the color game when someone burped. We just had a hilarious time. Bodner is in love with both my dad and my boyfriend. Not really, of course. He just thinks they are awesome.
On Sunday we all went to church at Ridgeway. It was awesome. I had a great time.
The visit was great. I was relaxed. I'm not too worried about Biology. It's good.

Finding Grace and Her Life

I ate french fries as a side dish this evening for supper. I have never willingly, since the seventh grade ordered that as a side dish. I personally hate fried foods and they make me feel inferior, in all honesty. They make me feel like a fatty. The point is I'm deciding what I want. And what I feel I need to do. The French Fry thing isn't a good example because I didn't have any other options, but what I'm saying is that I want to be able to do the thing that brings the most spring to my step. That makes me jump out of bed despite lacking hours of sleep. The thing that will give me motivation and both a heart and a mind for said thing. I want my major in college, and in essence, my career in life, to be something that I am truly passionate about. That I can fall out of my bed, get a concussion (this is hypothetically), and be disappointed that I'm missing classes because I want to do things that energize me.

Judy Mullet, our present Honors professor, asked us as leaders to state the ways that we can be energized when we are exhausted or having an off day. I knew mine was simple, but it scares me to admit so much in class. I'm energized by people. I thrive off of my own classmate's lack of energy and the silence that ensues when they are tired from waking up still.

One of my passions is people. Specifically helping people. Seeing a visual difference in how they take their days. Spending time with people energizes me and makes me really happy. I know this is true because when I feel depressed the exact opposite happens to me--I want to be alone--it's my mental shutting-down stage. So when I feel depressed I want to feel lonely and sad... It's a vicious cycle I need to step out of... Rabbit trail.

I want to do Missions. I'm so sick of sitting on my butt studying and getting fat from learning. (actually I'm not gaining weight, I'm going running as much as possible with my friend Ellie) The point is that I'm not DOing. I want to DO! I learned that I've had enough book learning and I want to experience learn. I enjoy labs for the science classes I'm currently taking. (when, lo and behold, I wanted to be a Biology Major. Whatever crossed my mind?) I want to travel outside of this dang country and help people in the way that I know how. Making relationships. With the universal language of music. Learning a language. Making a artistic project. I may not be great with building things, and with strategizing how to do said projects, but I can keep the people on the right track by being their friend and hypnotizing them with my music (Ok, I'm not that good. I was just making another point). This weekend I went to Harrisburg Discipleship Center for the Family Weekend, to see Zach, and what he's been up to before he goes to Guniea Bissau in December. While I was there, he was going through what they do during a week, and I kept thinking, I should do this. Why am I not here doing this? Naturally, my over-thinking mind would go through the checklist of the things that separate me from doing the things that I love and want to do--Financial Stability, Having to be Humble to ask people to give me money, Second Guessing my Decisions. What STUPID reasoning! These are the same reasons that I didn't major in Music, or Psychology, or Outdoor Ministries. I worry too much! I didn't want to be where my parents were when I was in elementary school. Not being able to buy everything that we needed. Or at least, that's how I felt. I didn't like the feeling of finances being inconsistent. I wanted to be the perfect college student--have a full ride--not loans coming my way. I wanted to have no debt going into medical school--my dream of financial heaven come true, after becoming a brain surgeon, I would proceed to have a family and be within the high class of "YourAverageCity", USA. But now that I realize it, anything that I think of for my future in sight of plans never work out. It's always better than what I foresaw, or something that I didn't even think of. Like Zach. Who thought I'd date a home-schooled guy from Middleof, Ohio? Then again, I didn't really have a set guy type... except for maybe Band Jerks. But what I'm saying is, it was unexpected that I'd find a guy that was crazy and equally stubborn and hilarious and that made me become more silly and more comfortable with myself than I have ever before. And in the past, I have always thought that I would be the Alpha Mom. Work and Mom. Because I'm GraCe, and I can do anything. But this semester has showed me, "No, Grace, you can't. Stop shopping for refrigerators at the Chinese food market. Not everyone can do everything." (by the way, I had to throw in some completely bogus line about something there. If it's too random for you, I'm sorry). I have taken way too many science credits than I could handle. I'm involving myself in one too many items. I want to be friends with everyone, and I want to do well in science, and I want to play the piano all the time. The point is, I can't do everything. In some ways, Zach showed me that. Which is interesting, as usual. I'm a bit of a skeptic with him, because sometimes he likes to pull my leg and see if I'm really paying attention, or to see if I know what I'm talking about. But on the days when we're seriously serious, I see that what I do has an end, and you know what? He picks it up where I leave off.

The only thing holding me back from becoming a Music Major is the fact that there are humans outside my practice room walking around. Not aliens! How amazing is that! (Sorry, it's almost one in the morning) But there really are humans walking around, and so I am personally obligated to warmly shake them by the hand and be their friend. And see what is good in their lives and what isn't, and express my pure emotion and frank thoughts about what they could/should do with what's happening in their heads. I can come up with honestly good ideas in short amounts of time, depending on my experience with the issue.

I'm a leader, an extrovert, but sometimes the quietest in the group. Sometimes I just listen, as that was the person I grew up being, but now as I listen, I'm waiting for someone to start being deep--to stop joking around about so and so's momma and start saying how they are really feeling. I don't want to always know how you felt today, I want to know what you learned and how you feel about it and if there's something that you could do to make it better or worse than what it was.

So my consensus: Being unsure. at least I know that for real. I thought that wanting to be a Biology Major was for real, but it turns out it was a stale memory of interest combined with the fleeting idea of not having to worry about money for the rest of my life. And then I hid my reasoning in baggage and put the motivation on autopilot. And I just woke up from my 1300 year long nap to find that 1) I was asleep 2)Biology is for Biologists, not for GrAce. 3) Hey! I'm flying an airplane. What's up with that? and 4)Who knew that toenails could get that long.

The point is, I know that I shouldn't be a doctor. If I wanted to be a doctor, I'd be motivated through the boring classes by the end point of the study. Next point. I don't know if I want to Major in Music. I love it. But I cannot practice four hours a day, productively. As Zach has said, "Stop being antisocial" There is a time and a place to play the piano. I'm more inclined to play all the time, because I love it, but I don't know if i could sacrifice my relationships for an instrument. Yes, I get my emotions out this way. Yes, it's something that makes me feel accomplished, but if I major in it, then that will be my main focus. I love the idea of that being my main focus, but I also love the idea of having people be my main focus. Music will ALWAYS be a part of my life. Learn what you love. and love what you learn. I can love the piano, and love the music that comes out of the piano, but it's always the wallflower. The accompaniment. The background music. And I don't dance to that beat. I'm a circulator. I'm the lead vocalist. I'm the one bearing my heart to the crowd with my own sense of humor. If it were People versus Piano, I believe that People would win. Mainly because pianos don't really have any offensive skills besides some pretty sharp bass strings, but really: People would win. But it's like Bush vs. Gore. Electoral vs. Population. It changes with time. Sometimes I'm certain. Sometimes there's nothing I'd rather do than play piano. But other times, it's the limiting reagent, especially if I just want to talk and hang with the peeps.

So Being Unsure translated into being a Major=Liberal Arts. And I'm actually slightly excited. If I take that route, I could be out of EMU in two years. Because of my kick cheeks work at UA the past two years, I have sixty credits to my name and seventeen more coming as this semester ends. I'll take classes in the areas I want. Psychology and Music. Poetry and Media Business. Drawing and Theology. Outdoor Ministries and maybe even Chemistry. But then I'll explore my option of exploring. Even though I don't want to wait. I don't see a majorly open option other than this. I could take a year off and go exploring. as of now, I have not a clue of where it could lead me. As I'm learning of myself, my spontaneous decisions are more true to myself than the ones that were flying the airplane for years. So it may be that I will have to explore my options to see what and where God is leading me. I'm a baby to this world of things to do and I want to so so many different things in so many different places. Doors and windows just need to be opened so I can climb in. I might even try to squeeze through a crack in the wall. If given the option, I may even try to break the wall down. So be aware. I may not be fast to start, but my momentum could knock over a 6'6" Lacrosse player.

Taking University by the Horns.

(I was going to use my new college vocabulary, but I do know that there are some of my relatives who would not like to see how rebelious I am.)
Ahem.
I am not a Biology Major.
Ok. Technically I still am. On paper.
But my heart was changed weeks ago.
My "interest" in science was a self-placed psychologically tweeked engravement in my mind because I wanted to have a career that was financially stable. Silly silly reasoning. I did NOT want to be like my parents, and become pastors, going to seminary and not being able to always buy what I wanted. How selfish that statement is.
Within this first month of college, I have realized that I have A LOT to say. About God and about many other things. I like to be informed and to have the answer. I like to be able to tell other people about things so that they can also e informed. I love to tell people of the things I know in a laid back atmosphere. When I go running I can talk about what I'm thinking, blurting out thoughts as the enter my brain. I realized this month that I want to be directly helping make people happy, and more stable in that happiness.
At my first piano lesson, I realized how much of a commitment that two credit class was. My teacher, knowing that it wasn't my first priority, not being a music major, still made it possible for me to have an hour long lesson. The fact that I hadn't had a lesson for almost nine months showed how rusty I was, but she hit the nail on the head and we got going. I want to practice everyday. I want to play all the time. but I ahve these pesky classes that I have to go to. Biolopleh, which I have to have a diet Coke and constant texts from friends to survive, along with lots of burps and giggles with my friend Susan. And Chemistry... I have found a love. But it is time consuming and motivating to do better in. Chemistry is more absolute than Biology--it is more like math than science for me. Which is one of the reasons why I think I enjoy it. Realizing that, I could have done well in a math class this semester. And although it would have been time consuming, all of the work is directly related to a formula, which is preferred.
Back to Piano, though. It is directly connected to my brain. When I practice, it's not studying, a habit that I have to reinitiate myself with. It's like eating, and sleeping. Something that not only makes a day better, but it makes it so I can function. (Have you met me when I haven't eaten? I'm constantly reverting back to the hunger every five minutes.)
I'm addicted to caffeine, as stated for Biology. Who knew science was so boring I'd have to do drugs to get through it.
Not that all science is unbearable. I enjoy setting up Greta Ann's Human Anatomy and Physiology labs even though I haven't gotten to see any cadavers yet. My time will come. I did tell her I had interest in that. There are jars with pigs, possums, jeely fish, and some unidentified I think headless organism in them. There are also skulls. (All of these I have observed and entertained myself with while setting up labs and getting easily distracted.) The most surprising skull for me was the fetus skull. It was so light! I was surprised. But I recall holding baby Carmine, when I was working with Tessa this past spring. He was so light. It's saddening, and frightening, and I don't know what I think about it. If I had a baby and it died, I wouldn't donate it to science. That seems insensitive.
I'm kicking *butt* in my Ruling Ideas class. I'm writing a children's book. We were supposed to write it about a person college aged who made a difference. I was struggling with finding a person to write mind about. So I decided to do Jamila, who is in my Honors class, and participated in the Morocco YES trip this past year. The illurstrating is going pretty well, but it is time consuming and I don't know if I am going to be able to finish and still feel good about the pictures I'm drawing and shading. I will post the pages of the book after I am finished.
Animal blood.
Never thought I would write about it, but Greta Ann had to ahve it ordered for a lab, and it didn't come yet and so we were having to call the costumer service and see why it didn't come. The reasoning makes sense, but you'd think that they would inform the customer of the reasoning. "living" products are shipped directly from the vender on a different time schedule and they only ship on Tuesdays, and if one misses the time deadline on the Tuesday before they have to wait the entire week. That's what I learned.
I "like" my workstudy. Kind of like how I "like" dogs. I'm not sur ehwat would be better... considering there's not much work that I enjoy doing. But I could be an informant at the historical library. I just don't think I could work with Lois.
I went running yesterday. It went great. I think a lot of people are surprised that I can run so much.. Probably because I don't exactly have an athletic sort of body shape. But heck yes, I can run a little bit more than three freaking miles. :D
Dig it.
I have to pee and go get more diet Coke. And maybe go run again.

In Memory of Little Yellow

Today I went to breakfast with three missed calls on my phone. After I ate, I walked back to my dorm and called my mom, who was leaving the messages. She told me that they found Little Yellow on the side of the road--he'd been hit by a car. We had moved to a smaller house twice as close to the road, with roads where cars drive twice as fast. He was twelve, he has seen many roads and cars. This time he wasn't quite fast enough to make it.

Little Yellow, or "Baby", as I affectionately called him, was my baby. He, and his sister, Little White, were added to our family when I turned six. We got them as kittens from a friend I had in kindergarten at Waterman Elementary. They lived inside with us in the duplex with our family. They were introduced, ironically, to Simba/Big Boy, who they were originally replacing because he was thought to have run away. He was found at the local SPCA, and readded to the family.

Little White was originally my kitten, and I named her this because she was the majority grey and had a "little white" on her stomach. Marie, who was the "owner" of Little Yellow, followed suit and named her small kitten "Little Yellow." Of course, they grew, and little Yellow was no longer so small. We considered ourselves similar in personalities to our cats. Little White was more quiet, as was I, but "cried" when given a shot, which I did as well. Little Yellow was more rambunchous, but made no sound when given his shots, as was Marie. There were several points in our elementary careers that we wanted to trade pets, and make each others' cats our own. I do not remember if we came up with a consensus, or if either cats were ours.

They moved with us to Bridgewater, in the white house with the large yard and the park next door. They relished in the space of the yard, catching moles, mice, birds, and even Baby got a rabbit one time (to Marie's horror). They shed every collar they were given, and slowly the fears of them being lost had vanished. They survived the make pretend of Marie and I, dressing them in doll clothes, and enclosed under laundry baskets. They slept on our beds, in our windows, on our piles of clean laundry, on our laps, with me in my bed.

As the years went on, I matured, meaning I did not dress the cats in doll clothes anymore. The cats gained a few pounds as well, and our relationships became less like civil aquaintances and more like friends. My kitty and I would sleep together and snuggle. He would purr in my arms and come when I called, "Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!!" (in a super high voice) He would always raise his tail in the air when he saw me. Sometimes he would meow as he came toward me. He was my teddy bear and would make me feel safe on nights when I felt like I was going have bad dreams. I was always calmed by the kneading and purring combination, and when he was giving himself a licked bath, I could feel true peace: that there was nothing else left in the world but this here and how, just calm down. Take it slow.

He was my therapist. I had no problem snuggling my face into his fur and crying. He used to climb onto my lap when I played the piano, no matter how difficult the angle of sitting was. Whenever I would crack a hard-boiled egg on the counter to peel the shell off, he would come bounding into the kitchen and rub his body against the back of my legs, begging for the yolk. Marie and I used to go to the pet store and buy the canned cat food so that Baby and Little White could enjoy a little change in meals.

I loved him, through his fat days and then when he lost a little weight and had this little bag of extra skin that made him look like a homeless man/cat. He always looked disgruntled, according to Marie, like he'd just woken up.

One time, at our home in Streetsboro, Ohio, he was sleeping in the pocket of the window and the screen fell out and he fell onto the ground outside. It was only a few feet down, but he was still so surprised. He used to sleep under bushes and we could often see him napping the the shade of the plants. Baby would faithfully climb onto the windowsill of Marie's room, and proceed to knock every single item off so that he could sit on it. We had fish tanks for awhile. He and Little White, or both would drink the running water from the filter and make the water get lower and start to trinkle so that I would have to refill the tanks more often. He would sleep in boxes and bags and climb into the vents of the old house and go exploring underneath and we could always hear the echoing of the steps throughout the house because we had wood floors.

There were things about having him, and cats, in general, that I didn't like. The hairballs and random barf found in random places around the house, or on my floor in my room, or on my bed (I hated those times) were not welcome. Then there was the cat pee. Whenever the litter boxes needed to be cleaned, (and this happened especially much when Little Yellow and Little White were older) they would pee on other things. Like the carpet that I used to have in my old room. Or the generality of backpacks on the floor. But pee can be washed out, no matter how unwelcome the smell is.

I still loved him. He was the most wonderful cat. He would follow me wherever I would go. He would go sleep in the neighbor's garage. He would snuggle me to sleep at night. I loved him much more than I realized today when I heard that he was gone. I used to think that when he would die that I would be okay with it, and that I wouldn't let myself cry. But I did. He was my sweetest love. My snug muffin. Even when he smelled like cat butt.

I miss you Baby.

The Lifetime of a Pair of Contact Lenses

I realized today that my contacts have reached the ripe old age of almost two months, and it is time for them to be replaced with new young ones so I can read what my Ethics teacher writes on his board in such an obscure way.

And then I was thinking about these two months. And how much my life has changed.

It was the end of Fine Arts camp when I got the lenses, after misplacing one of my lenses at one o'clock in the morning the night I got back to the Peaceful house after Convention. And I functioned in my glasses until my parents brought my contacts among other provisions when they came to pick me up to go to the Engle Reunion. I was so enthralled and happy that I put them in as quickly as possible. And as I recall, we played Settlers and went to MugzWigs and then some stayed up until four in the morning. Only to leave at seven the next day for the reunion. I was exhausted almost the entire reunion and didn't really care. But I was there and that is what mattered.

There were four more weeks of camp after that. Boys Camp was wild. I washed a lot of dishes and actually got to spend a little time with Zach, who was counseling, on his break. I counseled Junior High Camp. Which was awesome. I was the coordinator of Junior Teen Camp, also another amazing week. And then there was Fledgling Camp. Not my favorite memory. I was way too exhausted to function. And there were conflicts with my co counselor, who was from Russian. Then Camp was over, and I drove home--to my new home. In Wauseon. A few illegal u turns later I arrived at the petite brick house that was now home to my things, my bed, my boxes of memories. But when I opened the boxes of memories, I was still in my yellow room with the collage wall and the stains on the carpet. With Baby sleeping on my bed and the late night conversations, with the knitted projects as well.

A week later I was back at the Peaceful house. Saying goodbye to Zach for what we thought would be three long months, which has been shortened greatly since then. I went to see him a couple of weeks ago for his Commissioning service, and I get to see him next week.

Then I spent one more week in Wauseon before driving eight and a half hours to EMU, where my college life (for rizzle this time) began. I've made friends (thank goodness) done pretty okay with grades, and written some songs. There have been some days I just couldn't put the contacts in. Like a couple days ago, I woke up thirty-five minutes after my first class had started.

But all in all these contacts have had me see through some of the most transitioning positions of my life.

No pun intended.

Since when is Cleaning a Room Necessary?

When you can't find things that are on your desk. Which are visible.

Today was a fun day.

It started off well. I slept in until 8:35, making it just in time (NOT) for Honors, which started at 8:00. I prepared very much for this class--I read a lot of material, and I missed most of the lecture. But it was great because I picked up right where they were, because I was so prepared. Hallelujah for a memory that works.

Later, my teacher commended me for coming to class forty minutes late. She said most people wouldn't do that. Most people also wouldn't have thought they turned their alarm on when they didn't. She said I was an example. . .

I realized today at lunch that I'm more talked about than I realize. There were some girls who had heard about me, and my tongue piercing (apparently not everyone at EMU has on), and some probably have heard about my musical abilities, but hey, I'm not Phillip Martin, so I'm not actually a Music Major. But that's what I plan to do. Anyway. Rabbit Trail.

I spent a good part of my morning and afternoon playing piano. It made me really happy, and the Resident Director's husband told me that he liked to hear me practice. I love to practice. That's why I would be a BAD biology major. I'm not failing. I just think I will get a B in the class or so. We'll see. I may put forth the effort after all.

I made it through almost the entire day without science. At lunch, my lab partner and I decided to work on our Chemistry prelab. Unfortunately, we were mobbed by awesome people and were easily one of the most social/hysterical tables in the cafeteria at the time. ---I almost finished. But am still far from done. And I don't believe in copying. By the way, I actually like Chemistry more than Biology right now, which is pretty amazing, considering I though for sure that I was going to hate it with passion. ---One of the girls who did the presentation in the class sat at our table, and immediately recognized me as the extremely late one. But I was intrigued by her writings and enjoyed them immensely, so I could talk to her about it if I did desire, (unfortunately, Chemistry was on the mind). The table had some hilarious comments. Like how, for me, anions were easily remembered as negative ions because the word was basically onions.. and for some reason, onions have a negative association for me... must have been the rotten onion sorting at the Peacefuls...

Yesterday at Jazz Ensemble, I felt like I had started to be improving. The director asked me to sing the solo I was to improv on the piano. Totally out of my comfort zone. Turned BRIGHT red. But his point was to play it like I would sing it. So I put all the recordings of the arrangements on my Mac, and will soon put them onto my ipod. Anyway, he also told me that anytime I was inspired to write something for the Jazz Ensemble, that I should.

Well, today I wrote something. But it's not really my style. It's sexy. Jazz.. So I don't know if I like it, nor do I know if it's moral.. ha. It's really not that bad.

I accompanied my first lesson with Lauren. It went well. Thus, we both have some learning to do. And also, I cannot wait until Marie gets to that level of music.. Lauren's a beast.

Then I had my piano lesson. My Sinfonia is going well. Gets better every time I play. Lynne is having me work on little parts of each song because I don't have as much practice time. It's frustrating, but eventually I have to get somewhere with the pieces and will not do so by playing the whole piece over and over again.

Then this evening, I "reluctantly" went running. Meaning I wanted to, but I was unmotivated. I don't know. It's two very different parts of my mind. Ellie and I ran two and three quarters again. And then Alisha came up to me just as I came back and told me to come play field hockey with her, that she was scared. So I went. and played for the first time ever. I think I beasted it.. our team won. But it's really up to the audience to tell. It felt great. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow.

Then (oh yes, there's more) I went to Lehman to see Vineyard55 play. They are the band that I am going to cover for when I perform in Common Grounds. Although I'm not sure that they know that. It was interesting. Not perfect, but still well thought out. And worked on. And original. Rapping with guitar, bass, and piano--not something you see everyday. It was pretty cool, although I'm more of a melody type of person, and could probably nitpick the flat notes out. But I'm not, because I prefer to listen and learn.

Now, after a nice shower, a brief ice fight and a couple quarts of Raspberry Koolaid. I'm out. Still didn't finish Chemistry. Sleep is more important.

Love you Mom and Dad.

Am I Inconsiderate?

I feel lonely because I miss my boyfriend. I won't get to see him for eight months after Thanksgiving. But tonight I was struck of the emotion that some of my fellow students are having right now because a friend of theirs died this week. I saw some people hugging on my way back from the movie tonight and I was wondering why they were hugging for so long. Then I realized that they were crying in each other's arms. And I felt really selfish and inconsiderate of these thoughts. I felt like the space away from the one that I love is only temporary. But what those girls were experiencing-- they won't see that person again in this life. I'm reprimanding myself for not being able to see where they are coming from. But I still miss him. But I feel guilty because I don't feel for them--I didn't know who the person was that died. But after seeing those girls, I was motivated. Motivated to do something for myself, I was sick of sitting somewhere. I decided that I should take care of myself. Live to the fullest of by abilities. I ran three miles. At 11:00PM. Yes I am still up and it's 1:30. Not even tired. I need to go to bed though. I'm going to church tomorrow.

What can I do?

I have met so many people. I've made so many friends. Yet I don't feel at home. Maybe it's because it isn't home. Or I don't have a home. Or because I'm not content to be here.

Home is relative. It's relational. Maybe I need to be around those that I love to feel like I'm at home. I need to feel comfortable in myself to feel at home. I need feel comfortable in the people I'm around. And for the most part I am. But I'm still holding things back and so I'm nots comfortable yet.

My Cool New Friends

I'm blogging from Room 306 in Elmwood right now. This has become one of the places that I go to hang out with the girls that are my friends. It's Deanna and Alisha's room, and it's on the other side of the hall from Andrea and I's room.

These girls are loud, hilarious, and wonderful. We talk about everything, are free to fart around each other, and never get any homework done. We stay up late every night.

These girls, plus Monica, from Cedarwood, Grace from the room next to Andrea's and mine, and Mike, "Bodner" from the floor below all go to lunch when we can and hang out as much as we can. We do random things like camp out in the Commons while being hyper. or go get piercings after going to the mall.

We go to the den and common grounds when we don't need to. We eat everyone's food. We go shopping as a group to Walmart, Staples, Barnes & Noble, and Starbucks.

Last Friday we went to Ruby Tuesdays as a smaller group and ate good food. We put our cell phones in the middle of the table, and we prayed for our food and ate good food.

It has been great.

Yesterday Jamie had a bible study and I went to it. She talked about Hosea and his prosititute wife. I thought of some really good statements.

--It's more acceptable in our culture to not believe in God than to be sexually unfaithful. People are more shunned if they have cheated on someone because it's human to human contact/relationship, and it's more real. If someone doesn't believe in God of have a relationship with God, it's accepted as a belief and then not thought of otherwise. In Hosea, God was referring to the relationship between Israel and him as a adulterous relationship. In this country, we SHOULD feel like not following God is the worst sin, but somehow it's lost in the distractions of the world. The money and the sex itself and we don't even think about God in the scheme of all things.

--Sex is the closest way to know someone. Jesus is our bridegroom and he's waiting for us, to have this relationship that is so close and so wonderful. When we have sex with someone, we share the closest bond possible with another human being. So when someone cheats on another and has sex with another person, the bond is severely severed and there isn't, couldn't be the same anymore. Serious forgiveness and rethought thoughts have to be gone through. Most couples that have cheated on one another have to go through serious marital counseling. So when God is our God and we love him, but we get distracted by the world and do not love Him or give Him what He deserves, then it's cheating on God. It's the worst thing you can do in the relationship. God loves you so so much and it's horrible for Him when we walk away to see if there are better things out there. But although God hates it when we walk away, he takes us back, though broken, with open arms. That's how much he loves us. Even when we cheat on God, he takes us back every time, no matter how many times we leave and come back, we are still accepted.

My Strengths

I took a Strength-Based Leadership test yesterday. I was late on doing it--I was supposed to read this book for Honors and I finally read it and took the test. And I thought the test was bogus because there were two choices on the sides of the spectrum and I could have chosen either of them. So I chose Neutral. But I guess Neutral has a completely different answer than either side of the spectrum. And the results--well, at first I didn't really read through them and took them as they were. But then I called my mom today and was reading her the descriptions of the different aspects of leadership that I have and she was telling me that it sounded just like me. All of them.

And I realized that they did. And it kind of freaked me out, really. I feel really vulnerable, it's like I fell in love and somebody figured out my true feelings, can understand me completely and now I'm not so mysterious. Now I'm vulnerable that people can understand everything that's going on in me. It's almost scary that something truly defines almost every single thing about me.

Strengths-Based Leadership Report 

Leader:Grace Engle 

Gallup found that it serves a team well to have a representation of strengths in each of the 

four domains of leadership strength: Executing, Influencing, Relationship Building, and 

Strategic Thinking. Instead of one dominant leader who tries to do everything or individuals 

who all have similar strengths, contributions from all four domains lead to a strong and 

cohesive team. This doesn't mean that each person on a team must have strengths exclusively 

in a single category. In most cases, each team member will possess some strength in multiple 

domains. 

According to our latest research, the 34 Clifton StrengthsFinder themes naturally cluster into 

these four domains of leadership strength. See below for how your top five themes sort into 

the four domains. As you think about how you can contribute to a team and who you need to 

surround yourself with, this may be a good starting point. 

Your Top Five Clifton StrengthsFinder Themes 

Executing Influencing Relationship 

Building Strategic Thinking 

Command Empathy 

Woo Connectedness 

Communication 

Your Personalized Strengths Insights 

Empathy 

By nature, you may push yourself to meet certain standards or reach particular goals. Your 

feelings of success or failure might depend on the way others judge your results. Your keen 

awareness of some people’s moods might motivate you to work harder. Sometimes you want 

to please them. Sometimes you want to earn their approval; other times, you just want to 

Strengths-Based Leadership Report (with your personalized Strengths Insights) 

make them happy. Because of your strengths, you may be a person who feels certain things 

very deeply. This partially explains why you place some importance on having others know 

who you are as a person or as a professional. Perhaps you hope specific individuals grasp a 

little bit of what you think, feel, need, dream, or desire. Driven by your talents, you may be 

emotionally attuned to what is going on in your own or others’ lives. Perhaps you concentrate 

on what is good. Sometimes you search for the best in people, experiences, assignments, or 

situations. Maybe you strive to fill certain individuals with joy. Occasionally you find ways to 

unburden them of their anxieties, frustrations, sadness, disappointments, fears, or anger. It’s 

very likely that you might bring an emotional awareness to certain kinds of conversations. 

Sometimes you can ease the stress of individuals if they are about to make an important 

decision. Perhaps you can calm those who are struggling with the uncertainty of change. 

Once in a while, you pose probing questions to direct the thinking of others. To some degree, 

you refrain from telling people what they should or should not do. Instinctively, you may 

have quick and ready insights into the moods and emotions of specific individuals. This 

awareness might enhance your effectiveness as a trainer, guide, or instructor. Perhaps your 

sensitivity allows you to help certain people express what they are thinking or feeling. 

Command 

Chances are good that you routinely gamble on whether to engage outsiders or newcomers in 

conversations. When you take your chances and succeed, you probably gain confidence. You 

usually become more assertive when you have to make inquiries, give directions, or issue 

orders to your new acquaintances. By nature, you empower people with your air of certitude 

— that is, confidence. Your very presence reassures them that they indeed are quite ready and 

capable of tackling assignments, spearheading projects, or playing key positions on a team. 

Driven by your talents, you usually have more innovative ideas or original suggestions than 

others in the group. You are delighted to participate in forums where you can present your 

creative concepts. Others are likely to share your desire to improve things. This explains why 

many individuals welcome your suggestions. Because of your strengths, you generate ideas 

quickly. You draw clever linkages between facts, events, people, problems, or solutions. You 

present others with numerous options at a pace some find dizzying. Your innovative thinking 

tends to foster ongoing dialogue between and among the group’s participants. It’s very likely 

that you automatically vied for the top ranking in contests and games as a child. Reflecting on 

your youth, you might remember a few instances of being self-sufficient, assertive, or bold. 

Woo 

Chances are good that you are very fond of and devoted to the people in your life. You thrive 

when individuals reciprocate — that is, return — your feelings of warmth and affection. 

Instinctively, you enjoy chance encounters with friends and strangers. You engage them in 

conversation. Rarely are you at a loss for words. You delight in all kinds of dialogues, 

discussions, and verbal exchanges. You are apt to move swiftly from person to person, taking 

Strengths-Based Leadership Report (with your personalized Strengths Insights) 

time to briefly chat with each individual. Because of your strengths, you may be guileless — 

that is, candid and frank — about what you think or feel. You might reveal many details 

regarding your past, your present circumstances, or your future prospects. Some individuals 

appreciate your plainspoken and open style. Maybe you spend little, if any, time pretending 

you can do or be something you know you cannot. You might win some new friends by being 

open about yourself. It’s very likely that you customarily enjoy being the person who gets 

people talking. When outsiders or newcomers have little or nothing to say, you usually find a 

way to ease them into the dialogue. Driven by your talents, you are occasionally surprised 

when your upbeat attitude inspires people. You might generate good feelings in people by 

emphasizing their successes, contributions, and favorable traits. Eager to bond with others, 

perhaps you make the time to offer sincere compliments or send congratulatory messages. 

Connectedness 

It’s very likely that you underscore what people have in common even though their 

backgrounds, experiences, languages, cultures, or interests vary greatly. You facilitate 

dialogue between individuals. You create peace within groups and between people by linking 

them to one another. By nature, you sense every event is somehow the consequence of a 

series of actions, reactions, or lack of actions. You can accept that which cannot be fully 

explained using logic. You say there are no accidents. You are confident that things are 

linked together for a purpose that may or may not be revealed to you. Driven by your talents, 

you sometimes experience an unexplainable yet natural link with some people. Perhaps this is 

a common occurrence with certain individuals, particularly those whose talents, limitations, 

interests, goals, needs, or fears are known to you. Because of your strengths, you genuinely 

like to help people overcome obstacles that prevent them from linking up with one another. 

This explains why you engage so many newcomers or outsiders in small talk as well as 

serious discussions. Instinctively, you may bring a more optimistic perspective to life than 

some people do. Why? You somehow feel linked to other members of the human family. 

Perhaps knowing you are not alone in your suffering or joy encourages you. 

Communication 

It’s very likely that you might be able to keep a discussion or small talk moving when you are 

talking with someone you know on a personal level. By nature, you delight others with your 

stories and adventurous tales. You are a natural conversationalist. You gravitate to 

discussions and engage in casual chitchat. When the dialogue begins to lag, you probably 

keep it moving by asking questions, introducing a new topic, describing an incident, or 

offering an explanation. Because of your strengths, you value what others have to say. You 

pay attention to the observations they make. You acquire knowledge, skills, and insights from 

your peers during group conversations. You exhibit a strong inclination to participate in 

dialogue with others so new ideas are brought to everyone’s attention. Chances are good that 

you usually dive into conversations when you have a story to tell or a point to make. You 

Strengths-Based Leadership Report (with your personalized Strengths Insights) 

enjoy speaking with people. You recognize that conversations are a valuable source of new 

information. You probably want to share what you know with others. When you are involved 

in a group discussion, you typically add to it. Driven by your talents, you enjoy verbalizing 

your thoughts. You want others to acknowledge your ideas and feelings. Gaining and 

maintaining people’s attention pleases you. 

Seems Like a Dream, Really

Have you ever done something that was so out of routine with normality, and was so beautiful and perfect that, it truly seemed like it didn't happen? That it was a figment of your imagination and every second you continue imagining it seems like a pointless ritual that you should quit because it didn't really happen. ---but wait! it did. 

And that thought makes life seem so much better. And how could one live live with moments like these and not feel God in the world? See in the motion of the minutes you have with the one you love are truly a gift. Don't take them for granted. 

This Sunday was normal except for the fact that I was awakened by a phone call at 8:00 from my boyfriend. And then I went back to sleep until eleven and avoided the idea that I skipped church. I went to lunch with some of the girls and then hung around with the rest of them. At around 12:30, it was just me and Deanna sitting at the table and as the idea popped into my head, I found myself saying, "Do you want to go to Pennsylvania with me today?"

Deanna replied, "sure." and the fun began from there.

First, I called to find out when and where we would need to be. I meant to keep it a secret from Zach, but that didn't happen, considering he knows me too well.

Then we grabbed snacks, mouthwash, and homework, stopped to get gas and then got on 81.

Although few, there were some mistakes on the spontaneity of the trip-- we didn't get directions directly to the place we were headed. Luckily Deanna is from the area and called someone to give us directions. Unfortunately, Deanna also thought she knew the way. We got to Harrisburg at 3:45. We got to Mount Joy at 5:15. We took the long way. A way involving a detour through Hershey and a quick rinse of mouthwash somewhere in Manheim... 

But we got to the church without getting lost. We discovered an atlas in the car three hours into the trip.

I greeted Zach's parents, and then I saw Zach. He gave me a huge hug and smile. I also saw several other people that I knew--Chris. We talked a little, but I look forward to when I can stay at their house when visiting during family weekend. It's coming up in a few weeks. I also saw Melody Tobin. She of course didn't remember me, but I remembered her because our parents constantly receive their family's newsletter. We also saw Aaron Yutzy's sister, but did not say anything to her. She might have been freaked out.

We had some funny conversation with Denice and Toby and then there was the commissioning service. I counted it as my church for the day and enjoyed the service, especially when the worship team sang "Mighty to Save" and when the message's message was that "we as Christians stink. Let the world know!" Priceless.

And I cannot forget the time that Zach noticed I was sitting just across the way from him. He glanced over because someone was coming back to their seat and saw me and didn't see me. When he glanced again, to make sure that it was really me, he gave me a smile I can't forget easily.

Then we had the prayer circles. This was the first time that I really felt like I could be who I am in our relationship (his girlfriend) and be with God and pray with Zach and be there with him. (Every other time we have prayed together has either been on the phone or at camp, where you cannot really have a relationship.) It was closure for me. I loved that we could have that moment. I had an arm around his waist and prayed for him and thanked God for him. It was wonderful. 

We hugged goodbye for a long time. There were a lot of words that weren't said in those hugs. Just squeezed me tight. We'd only been away from each other a month and will see each other again in a couple weeks. But  him leaving for a good long time is looming ahead. So I savor every breath I take in your arms. And every word you couldn't say that you swept around my body with your strong grasp. 

I'm leaving soon

I'm leaving here soon

Please forgive me for the 

Things I forgot to say to you

I'm leaving soon

I'm leaving here soon

Please forgive me for the

Memories I left behind.

What I meant to say was goodbye

But you held me so tight

All I said was a sigh

Because I love you and I don't like this word "goodbye"

So can we stay in this embrace forever

Can the sun come up and down and never find us?

Could we just swallow our words

Until tomorrow it's absurd to let go

But I'm letting go now

I'm missing you

I really miss you

I'm reminded of the 

Things I wanted to say to you

I'm missing you

I really miss you

I'm surrounded by the

Memories left in my heart 

What I remember are the times

That you held me so tight

And I remember those lines I meant to say

But no words could express what your love did

So can we stay in this embrace forever?

Can the sun come up and down and never find us?

Could we just swallow our words until tomorrow 

It's absurd to let go

Please don't let go now.

Every second we drove away made it seem more and more like a beautiful dream that I could tell my friends of later. But it was true. It is true. Maybe all the good moments of life feel like they are dreams later on so that we realize that we need to savor them as we are in the moment. And so that we do not forget the beautiful things that happen.  

I tried to listen to a song you sang

  but you weren't there

I tried to find a way on the map to see you

  but you were not there anymore

I tried to focus on some sweet memory

But ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW is this desolate hole.

I try to find the sweet melody of the life that I will have in short weeks, short months, a short year when our combination makes the best recipe.

But all I find is this yearning.

There's no closure for me right now.

What I would give to see you in passing 

You have no idea.

I don't want to let go

But I'm in agony right now.

Lately I've Been Here

To hear your voice speaking to me, 

But I can't answer.

And the tears fill me.

I want to be there.

I want to look into your eyes.

But Lately I've been here

Instead of There.

Every time I think about you.

I think of those I have met because of you.

I think of the things I have tried because you wanted me to.

And all that I know because you told me.

So lately I'm been here.

I know I've changed

I think for the better

But that makes it so much harder. 

How am I supposed to be who I am

When I'm my best with you?

I can't stand just standing lately in here

I think I can. I know I can. 

I will wait.

And you, you know how agonizing it is.

The miles away are like scraps on my skin

Feeling the burn of the peroxide washing it

Wounds do heal, 

But I don't want it to be okay in my head for you to be away.

I'll wait every second in anxiety

pushing harder everyday

Going to bed exhausted

Hoping that the day I see you will come a little bit faster. 

That I can mentally survive these months.

Lately I have been here.

It's the burn of a slap to the face

When I think about the length of time away.

I don't want to give it up.

I won't give up you.

Unless I die before you do.

Tongue Piercing and Patience

So I decided to get my tongue pierced yesterday. Yes, I told my family. No, they didn't want to kill me. There are a couple things I learned that can be used in normal life settings.

Something that doesn't hurt a lot at the beginning still pierces something, and will hurt eventually. It didn't hurt very much to get it done at all.

If one bit of you is in it, ALL of you is in it. My whole tongue hurts. Plus my throat, although that may have something to do with feeling sick.

Long hard things do not belong in the mouth--which is why I cannot wait until four weeks from now, so I can put the shorter bar in.

People will always laugh at you no matter what you do. For example, Evan, who couldn't stop laughing at my lisp, also asked me to tell him how the piercing affects french kissing.

Don't bite off more than you can chew. When we got back to the dorm, there were donuts on the table in the lounge and I was like "Ooo that sounds good." Don't eat the donut. I have yet to figure out how to chew...So for dinner last night I had pudding, sherbet, and I did inhale some corn, lima beans, and rice. 

I cannot wait to see what kind of selection of soup they have next week.

Keep it clean. If my tongue gets infected, no one will be able to understand me.

Ice is cold. And it hurts to say the word cold.

Would I do it again? Probably.

 

Because I know what I want

With college comes dean's list, work-study, all-nighters, and cafeteria food.

There's also beer, cigarettes, parties, boys, and cops. 

Don't forget that side.

I went to my first ever drinking party, my first weekend on campus. My girl Alisha was going with Marsha and Carina, and I decided to come and my dear roomie Andrea decided last minute as well.

We walked to a parking lot where we met some guys who showed us the way to the house the party was. It was pretty close to the campus. The people who lived in the house, for the most part, go to EMU.

There was jungle juice and and a keg of beer in the basement. We were offered whichever we wanted. I, being the person I am, asked if I could have water. And I did. I drank water the entire time I was there. It was fun playing Rummy with some of the guys and Alisha and Andrea, and also fun watching the game of beer pong. 

I saw some people I knew, and also some I didn't know.

There was one girl who was thin, and was easily drunk from what she had. She was just over friendly and smiling a lot. One of the guys that I met on the first day was there, and was having issues standing up, he was so drunk.

I got into an interesting discussion with two Chris's. The older Chris was trying to teach the younger Chris how to talk to girls. But the things that I heard from the older Chris's perspective were pretty accurate.

Boys are polite to girls even when they are drunk.

Except for the swearing. I always forget that when people are put in a completely different atmosphere than you first know them in, that they can be completely different. Thus, there was no problem for the girls that were with me to let it all out. 

With the guys drunk, it was just, "F--- this," and "F--- that!" 

But I am from Streetsboro, where people use that language sober. At least I think they're sober. 

Everyone freaked and ran out the back of the house around 11:45 because some cops stopped by. The girls bolted, and Andrea and I walked slowly away. Then we sat outside for five minutes or so. After that, we decided to walk back to campus. 

Finally, two of the guys from the party were back on campus, but still drunk and wanted to go back to the party, but wanted to be driven.

I volunteered to drive them. I drove the one guy's truck and then drove it back to campus. Even on the ride over, they were paranoid and goofy. Drunk.

I don't plan on drinking. I don't want to lose control of who I am around other people. It's important to me. I went to the party because it was a great social situation. Even though there was alcohol involved, I kept myself clear.

 

Thoughts on My Major as of now

Science is hard. You have to study even if you know parts of it, there is so much you don't know. It's intimidating. There's so much equipment and memorization.
I started my work study today. It's overwhelming. Half of that is probably because I am getting a cold. No, it's not H1N1, although that would be ironic.

Taking One for the Team

Today was my first Not-So-Good day. 

I'm not sure where it started going bad--Honors went really well.

Lunch was a good experience. 

Maybe it was that Biology lab. We did an experiment (ugh, and I still have to finish the lab part) and it involved holding our breath underwater in a container. Not my favorite thing to do. 

The other thing I don't like so far is the pre class exams that I have taken in Biology and Chemistry. They are to assess what needs to be taught to us, but they make me feel stupid, unprepared, and like a failure.

After this, I went back to the dorm, exhausted and spent time with Deanna, Monica, and Alisha, and we went to the Den for supper and that was fun. I had Michelle take my picture for my running for Senator. 

Then our hall prepared for the Variety show, and we went over early. I had to see if I made Chamber Singers. I didn't. It was like a tiny devil,  of "You really aren't that good" started kicking my shins.  He continued kicking my shins all the way through the variety show, so much that I didn't really enjoy it, and our skit had a major broken part. 

I felt like a failure who couldn't act or sing and so I walked back to the dorm, grabbed some piano music, and went down to the lounge in my dorm and played piano and cried.  It's not like the entire world walks through the lounge, but one of the guys on the mens' soccer team was walking through, and asked if I was okay.

I'm learning to be honest. I said No.

He offered to give me a hug and said his name was Tripp (I think.) That was very kind of him.

I was still recovering when a guy stepped in and asked if I was going to continue to play piano.

He said he'd go get a shirt and be back and come listen.

So I played some of my stuff, and some of Chopin's stuff and some of Schumann's stuff. It was a good combo. We got to talking. It turns out Martin plays on the basketball team. And he said he wanted to come listen to me play whenever I did. 

He was very honest, which was appreciated.

"So, you're smart, an amazing musician, you want to be a doctor, but you always date jerks. What's the catch?"

I truly have no idea. Anyone want to do an analysis? 

Second Day of Classes

I went to bed early last night. I needed to.

This morning, I had an audition for Chamber Singers. I felt like I did really well. 

There was Chapel today. I sat next to Kayla and we giggled our way through the service. There was a welcoming tunnel afterward. 

I wandering into the Commons in search of my sister, whom I did not find, but instead found the Petition form for being a SGA Senator. I spontaneously decided to do that. I went and got my notebook for my Chemistry class, walked to class, had class, and walked over to the cafeteria, and I got all the signatures that I needed. I met some new people in the process, and learned of some of the issues that I should address. I still need to write my platform, and Michelle from my hall, who is a photography major, and is going to take my picture for the photo that is needed. I'm rather excited. Note to readers: The people still have to vote. The petition just gets me on the ballot. But there has to be at least one freshman, of the thirteen Senators.

I had Biology. That was a sleepy class. The teacher should have handed out the syllabus at the beginning of class but waited way too long. We talked about the biological structure of the H1N1 virus though, and that was interesting.  

I had an hour break. I went back to the dorm and was going to nap, but Eva got locked out of her room, so I hung out with her for the hour. We had a good time just talking.

Then I went to Ethics. Bethany is in my class--she was the girl I stayed with when I visited for the Honors Program. The class is very diverse, different ages, cultures, relationship stati, thus, I feel like it's going to be majorly interesting. I was slightly unsure coming into the class, but I like it. It makes me happy.

I worked out with some girls on my floor--weight lifting. Then we had some hall practice for the variety show (meaning we had to figure out what we were doing.) 

I went to Common Grounds I tried the Groundsbreaker--it's  milkshake with coffee grounds in it. VERY good. We got there right before the line did. Then Grace and I walked back to the dorm and I walked and talked to my sweetie.

Then I read for Ruling Ideas, and Chemistry. Now it's time to tuck in. I'm waking up at seven, and do not need to be pooped for Honors. Again.

First Day of Classes.

I hate waking up after an inadequate night of sleep. But I did, and walked to the caf and put some milk in my water bottle and walked back to the dorm and made myself a smoothie.

Then at eight o'clock I had my first class. It was Ruling Ideas, the Honors Program required course. And somehow I felt like I was the most awake of all of them. But that may have been because they are introverts. I am not sure. We went around the room and introduced ourselves and finished the "If you really knew me..." My answer was that when I really laugh, I snort.

I went to the computer center afterward. Enjoyed the free printing and also typed my Transitions homework. Then I fixed Alisha's computer. (Meaning, I plugged it into the printer, and got the printer to work, and also got the papers to print.)

I was meaning to take a nap. Didn't happen. I played guitar instead. And Alisha, Deanna, and I got ourselves a pet fish for our floor. Then I went to lunch. Met more new people. Learned more new names. 

Went to Transitions. Still felt like the loudest person there. I answer every question, I feel like.

It was a good class. But I was antsy by the time it was over and went back to my dorm and got a Michelle to go walking with me. Then I took a shower.

Then I thought there was Chamber Singers, but it turned out that Auditions are first. So I signed up for an audition for tomorrow at 9:15. On my way back to the dorm, I saw people playing frisbee and decided to join them. They started an Ultimate game and I invited Alisha and whoever to come join me. My hair was still wet, but I played anyway. I was wearing jeans. 

It was a blast. I met more new people.

Then there was the BBQ. There were so many vegetarian options that I didn't have meat.

I talked to so many people. So many new people and it was great. I had a blast and laughed my face off.

Then we went to the mens soccer game. It was great fun. All the people I sat around and I talked and laughed and were goofy and no one wanted to come sit in the open space in the bleachers beside me. I even offered in Spanish. But Ben Bergey isn't a Spanish Major. And so he sat away from where we were. Then Mitch texted me on Deanna's phone and told me to heckle some of the other teams players. So I took number 21 that I liked his hair, that he should try cornrows next time, and that it looked better down. And also that I liked his yellow (which Evan informed me that they were gold) shoes.

I got a headache. And left early. They tied. Even after overtime.